Falling too hard too fast...Good or bad?

[Divasu]

If it's reciprocated, it's good. If it's not, it's bad....

[Eternal Sunshine]

You know, things can start out great and remain great. It does happen

[CrystalCastles]

...but it just feels right.

 

Then that's it. Do what feels right to you. It doesn't matter what your friends are saying because they're not part of your relationship with this man.

 

Its great that you went for this, given that past tactics of picking guys have not worked. Good luck!

[travelbug1996]

Only love is real and I say go for it. Fear is not really.

 

It's ok to open your heart just don't give it away. The way I see it is- love is a gamble and I'm always winning. Best regards to you.

[gaius]

Thank you so much for this post!

 

As a 36 year old woman, it can be hard to believe that I will find someone. This posts gives me hard concrete proof that it could happen. That there might really be someone out there that I might not even expect with whom I could really click.

 

Here's the deal. You're looking for assurance, it sounds like, that you won't get hurt again. Not a single one of us can guarantee that. Even the best relationships sometimes falter and fail through nobody's fault.

 

I see no red flags here. That doesn't mean that there aren't any, but it doesn't sound like you see any either. Don't give more trust than has been earned, but neither relinquish trust that has been earned.

 

I'll be excited to see where it goes. I'm rooting for the two of you!

I always thought you were like 20 for some reason.

 

You're opening up for a reason D. Don't fight it.

[gaius]

Why 20 in particular? I'm curious.

Probably the animeish avatar and the fact you seem really innocent sometimes. Usually something you see in younger people. At least I won't feel half perverted for replying to your posts from now on.

 

Keep us updated D-Lish. And let us know who's getting invited to the wedding.

[D-Lish]

A few things as I am right there in the boat with you:

 

1. Choose to live a life in love, not in fear.

 

2. What you're feeling now? Right this instant? Isn't it wonderful. Isn't it amazing. Enjoy it. Savor it. It might not come again. Heck there are people out there who will never feel it. Don't cloud the moment - it might be fleeting. Or it might not. Stay present because...

 

3. In the end, isn't it already too late to protect your heart? Right? You know it is true. So live in the moment. Any self doubt only serves to ruin it.

 

4. All that being said - feel free to love with reckless ambition. Open yourself fully. Surrender. But avoid making life choices that are unwise at such an early stage - e.g. Buying a house together, getting married, getting pregnant. Stuff like that. Let that come later. Live and love in the moment.

 

EDIT: here is a poem I wrote about being present in this moment and not future casting as someone said above. Maybe it will help.

 

With You I Am Still

 

Your fingers slowly trace,

 

a subtle pattern upon my skin,

 

over and over not caring,

 

where it started or will end.

 

I appreciate all of the responses. It's been a whirlwind romance to be sure. I have just completely opened up to this man and as a result I feel so exposed and vulnerable.

 

Everything was awesome, up until a few days ago. Suddenly it seems he's pulling away. Of course I'm panicking, and I'm trying to remain calm, but it's difficult.

 

I've been with men before that go all in, in the beginning, then pull back. I feel like this is happening with this guy and I'm feeling so sick about it.

 

Things have been good between us- really good. I left his place a few days ago because I had to come home to go to work and we have some distance between us. Everything was fine when I left. He was affectionate, loving, gushing, telling me I was his best friend and he couldn't imagine living his life without me in it...

 

He's been distant since then. Not texting much. We had plans tomorrow, I was to go to his place and spend my two days off with him. I didn't hear too much from him today, then he cancelled on me for tomorrow saying he had too much stuff to do. He was reassuring that everything was fine between us, but I have a very bad feeling. Having "stuff" to do isn't a valid excuse because we do "stuff" together all the time. It's an excuse.

 

This absolutely sucks, feeling how I do right now. My heart is out there, completely exposed- and I can feel something is off with him.

 

I'm trying to remain calm- because maybe he just needs some space and I don't want to come across as the overly sensitive insecure girlfriend by questioning what's going on... But I'm sick inside with worry.

 

I don't know how to act. Just pull away myself and give him space, continue to act normal?

[writergal]

I don't know how to act. Just pull away myself and give him space, continue to act normal?

 

Yes you do. Wise woman. Be yourself: relaxed, fulfilled, busy, social, happy. You sense something is "off" with him and something probably could be. But if you push him for an explanation now, that could backfire on you. Give him his space. Occupy your thoughts with things to do, people to see and let him come to you. It may be something little or something big, but only he knows what "it" is - if there even is an "it." Maybe it's nothing.

 

Don't put the cart before the horse, as my grand dad used to say. And he said that to me all the time, because I had a lot of carts without horses, growing up.

 

Wait and see what happens. Deep breaths.

[D-Lish]

Just my two cents. When I fall hard and fast for someone, it ALWAYS burns out within a few months. My LTRs have been with women that love develops slowly. Things that start hot and heavy for me have always been cases of lust and eventually I realize that we didn't have that much in common with eachother other than attraction and crazy sexual chemistry.

 

I agree with you, I've had that happen before with regard to falling hard for someone because of the sexual chemistry, then finding out after that we had nothing in common.

 

It's weird how we came to be. I met him through online dating. I couldn't meet him right away because I had a health issue- my eyes were swelling up and I didn't want to meet him not looking my best. We talked for almost 2 months before we met in person. We told each other everything during that time- including stuff I've never told another human being about me.

 

When we actually did meet, the fireworks went off in person. It felt like we already knew each other so well and then when we met for the first time, the physical chemistry existed as well.

 

It may be that things are fizzling out for him, I honestly don't know. It's just crazy weird that the tide seems to have turned so quickly with him. How one can go from so much intensity one moment to needing space the next is really messing with my head.

[writergal]

Really I wouldn't worry about what his intentions are (or have changed to) until he actually tells you. I think it's wonderful that you two spent 2 months talking before you actually met. That was a smart move b/c you got to know each other without the distraction of any sexual chemistry.

 

Emotionally you two are compatible. That doesn't (at least in my own experience) just disappear if it's genuine. And it sounds like you two have a genuine emotional connection with each other. If he wanted "out," I think he would have respected your feelings enough to tell you (well hopefully he would).

 

Who knows why he needs space for these next two days. Maybe he's planning a surprise for you? It may be something positive, not negative that you picked up on. You never know right?

 

I'm a mushy sentimentalist at heart. I'd like to believe he needs space from you for a good reason, not because he wants to end the relationship.

 

Keep calm and carry on, D-Lish. Hopefully it isn't what you think it is. And if it is, well, you had a wonderful opportunity of revealing yourself to a man like you've never done before because you felt safe. So you're one step closer to true emotional intimacy if he is not "the one." Otherwise, you've arrived if he turns out to be the one. Every relationship teaches us something. Everyone we encounter is a teacher, whether we like it or not, b/c we learn something about ourselves after the encounter.

 

Just wait and see. Don't do anything rash.

[D-Lish]

Yes you do. Wise woman. Be yourself: relaxed, fulfilled, busy, social, happy. You sense something is "off" with him and something probably could be. But if you push him for an explanation now, that could backfire on you. Give him his space. Occupy your thoughts with things to do, people to see and let him come to you. It may be something little or something big, but only he knows what "it" is - if there even is an "it." Maybe it's nothing.

 

Don't put the cart before the horse, as my grand dad used to say. And he said that to me all the time, because I had a lot of carts without horses, growing up.

 

Wait and see what happens. Deep breaths.

 

Thanks WG.

 

I am totally panicking on the inside. I'm actually bawling my eyes out as I write this. I did ask twice if everything was okay between us when he cancelled, then quickly retreated and told him I understood - even though I don't understand what's going on.

 

This is a guy that 3 days ago told me he's going to put a ring on my finger before Christmas. I don't know how it went from that to radio silence so quickly. He just seems to have gone distant all of a sudden.

 

I can't even tell you how vulnerable, exposed, and disappointed I feel right now. I feel like a fool for buying into falling in love again.

[writergal]

Aww D-Lish now I understand why you're in a state of panic, knowing that he mentioned proposing to you before Christmas. Then he goes distant on you after that? Not such a smart move on his part b/c it gives you the impression that he's changed his mind. Now it makes sense.

 

Dearie don't feel like a fool for letting yourself fall in love. You're one of the lucky ones. Many of us don't get to do that.

 

Whatever the outcome is with this guy, think about how wonderful it felt to fall in love with him. Don't focus on the negative (which is pending at this point, so don't go there just yet). Look at the fact that you allowed yourself to fall in love, to be vulnerable as a sign that you're ready to be married. Do you know how difficult and out of reach that opportunity is for most? So look at the positives here as there seem to be a lot.

 

And you gave him a perfect "out" when you asked him if everything was ok. If it wasn't, don't you think he would have used that as an opportunity to be honest with you if he wanted to end the relationship? So that should leave you feeling optimistic. Right?

 

Just wait and see. Occupy your time over these next two days and try to relax. It will all work out. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now, at this moment.

[D-Lish]

Really I wouldn't worry about what his intentions are (or have changed to) until he actually tells you. I think it's wonderful that you two spent 2 months talking before you actually met. That was a smart move b/c you got to know each other without the distraction of any sexual chemistry.

 

Emotionally you two are compatible. That doesn't (at least in my own experience) just disappear if it's genuine. And it sounds like you two have a genuine emotional connection with each other. If he wanted "out," I think he would have respected your feelings enough to tell you (well hopefully he would).

 

Who knows why he needs space for these next two days. Maybe he's planning a surprise for you? It may be something positive, not negative that you picked up on. You never know right?

 

I'm a mushy sentimentalist at heart. I'd like to believe he needs space from you for a good reason, not because he wants to end the relationship.

 

Keep calm and carry on, D-Lish. Hopefully it isn't what you think it is. And if it is, well, you had a wonderful opportunity of revealing yourself to a man like you've never done before because you felt safe. So you're one step closer to true emotional intimacy if he is not "the one." Otherwise, you've arrived if he turns out to be the one. Every relationship teaches us something. Everyone we encounter is a teacher, whether we like it or not, b/c we learn something about ourselves after the encounter.

 

Just wait and see. Don't do anything rash.

 

Thanks.

 

I'm not going to do anything rash. I just have this instinct that he's thinking about getting out.

 

I have to admit that he's got some faults. He's a guy with good intentions that doesn't always follow through. I left my dog with him the other day while I commuted to work from his place- he begged me to leave my dog with him so I could come back to his place. He promised me he'd cook me dinner if I left my dog and came back (I was going to take my dog home with me). I came back to his place and he hadn't bothered to cook dinner. I came home hungry after a long day and he hadn't bothered to cook. I ended up cooking for both of us.

 

I was upset about that, because I do crap for him all the time. I told him I was disappointed. Things seemed to have changed since I told him that.

[writergal]

Thanks.

 

I'm not going to do anything rash. I just have this instinct that he's thinking about getting out.

 

I have to admit that he's got some faults. He's a guy with good intentions that doesn't always follow through. I left my dog with him the other day while I commuted to work from his place- he begged me to leave my dog with him so I could come back to his place. He promised me he'd cook me dinner if I left my dog and came back (I was going to take my dog home with me). I came back to his place and he hadn't bothered to cook dinner. I came home hungry after a long day and he hadn't bothered to cook. I ended up cooking for both of us.

 

I was upset about that, because I do crap for him all the time. I told him I was disappointed. Things seemed to have changed since I told him that.

 

Welcome to relationships (and marriage, from what I've seen and heard from my married siblings, cousins and friends)! I totally know what you must have felt after your long day, being let down by him like that. Happened to me in grad school with the guy I dated. He came to my apt before I left for my night class, and promised he'd do the dishes that had piled up in my sink, do a load of laundry (mine, not his), and be up waiting for me when I got back around 10 p.m. Well, after my 3.5 hour night class, a half hour drive, 10 minute walk to my apt, I come to find out the bozo fell asleep, didn't do the dishes OR the laundry and didn't leave a light on for me.

 

Remember pillow fights from your childhood? I whacked him so hard with one of my pillows it woke him up. I yelled at him for not following through and threatened "no nookie" (which worked) until he made it up to me (by doing the dishes, laundry, and making me dinner, which he did, ha, ha). Men aren't perfect. That's for sure, but if he has a good heart, give him a pass every now and then for these little things, and most importantly, use it as an opportunity to negotiate and compromise. In an ideal world at least. I dunno. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

[Mrin]

Thanks WG.

 

I am totally panicking on the inside. I'm actually bawling my eyes out as I write this. I did ask twice if everything was okay between us when he cancelled, then quickly retreated and told him I understood - even though I don't understand what's going on.

 

This is a guy that 3 days ago told me he's going to put a ring on my finger before Christmas. I don't know how it went from that to radio silence so quickly. He just seems to have gone distant all of a sudden.

 

I can't even tell you how vulnerable, exposed, and disappointed I feel right now. I feel like a fool for buying into falling in love again.

 

Whoa there. I don't want to diminish your feelings because they're real and well, I've been in your shoes. But there could be a million perfectly benevolent explanations. I mean what we do have: a pull back on the amount of texting + his canceling you coming over. But on the other side of the ledger he saying things like proposing by Christmas right? I mean that's making him pretty vulnerable too. And you left his place to get some things done right? Maybe he's feeling exposed here.

 

Look. My point is you don't know. What I would say is don't get too upset about this yet. It just isn't worth it and will ultimately come across as clingy which will turn him off.

 

I'd try to just be your normal self and get done what you needed to get done. Try to avoid jumping to conclusions until you get more data points and remember, he's just as exposed as you are.

Edited August 19, 2014 by Mrin

[D-Lish]

Whoa there. I don't want to diminish your feelings because they're real and well, I've been in your shoes. But there could be a million perfectly benevolent explanations. I mean what we do have: a pull back on the amount of texting + his canceling you coming over. But on the other side of the ledger he saying things like proposing by Christmas right? I mean that's making him pretty vulnerable too. And you left his place to get some things done right? Maybe he's feeling exposed here.

 

Look. My point is you don't know. What I would say is don't get too upset about this yet. It just isn't worth it and will ultimately come across as clingy which will turn him off.

 

I'd try to just be your normal self and get done what you needed to get done. Try to avoid jumping to conclusions until you get more data points and remember, he's just as exposed as you are.

 

I agree. I haven't shown him the clingy thing, and I wouldn't. I'm only panicking on the inside.

[writergal]

D-Lish,

yet. Even the band Shedaisy say so.

[D-Lish]

Welcome to relationships (and marriage, from what I've seen and heard from my married siblings, cousins and friends)! I totally know what you must have felt after your long day, being let down by him like that. Happened to me in grad school with the guy I dated. He came to my apt before I left for my night class, and promised he'd do the dishes that had piled up in my sink, do a load of laundry (mine, not his), and be up waiting for me when I got back around 10 p.m. Well, after my 3.5 hour night class, a half hour drive, 10 minute walk to my apt, I come to find out the bozo fell asleep, didn't do the dishes OR the laundry and didn't leave a light on for me.

 

Remember pillow fights from your childhood? I whacked him so hard with one of my pillows it woke him up. I yelled at him for not following through and threatened "no nookie" (which worked) until he made it up to me (by doing the dishes, laundry, and making me dinner, which he did, ha, ha). Men aren't perfect. That's for sure, but if he has a good heart, give him a pass every now and then for these little things, and most importantly, use it as an opportunity to negotiate and compromise. In an ideal world at least. I dunno. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

 

I hear you, lol. I love that you gave the guy a pillow to the head.

 

If I can be completely honest, I feel like there is something this guy is not telling me. I've felt that all along.

 

I think he does have a good heart- but he's an only child, and I think he's a bit selfish as a result.

 

When he told me he was going to make me dinner, and I came back to no dinner, and had to make dinner- I called him out on that. I told him I was "disappointed in him". I don't pull that line out too often- but it was deserved in that situation. Things haven't been the same since.

[writergal]

I hear you, lol. I love that you gave the guy a pillow to the head.

 

If I can be completely honest, I feel like there is something this guy is not telling me. I've felt that all along.

 

I think he does have a good heart- but he's an only child, and I think he's a bit selfish as a result.

 

When he told me he was going to make me dinner, and I came back to no dinner, and had to make dinner- I called him out on that. I told him I was "disappointed in him". I don't pull that line out too often- but it was deserved in that situation. Things haven't been the same since.

 

Darn tootin' I gave him pillow to the head! He deserved it! That's the not-so-fun part of relationships, when you have to be the enforcer of boundaries and expectations (which sometimes need to be reinforced).

 

It's good that you had the "chutspah" to call out your boyfriend on not following through on his promises. If he wants to be your husband, he'll have to get used to the idea that you are allowed to express your disappointment. You are allowed to feel let down and let him know that. Same for him.

 

You can't be perfectly in love 100% of the time. People screw up, make mistakes. The relationships that last are because both people have their own egos in check, where they can say, "You know you're right, I screwed up. Sorry about that. Let me make it up to you." No one is perfect.

 

Relationships are messy, just like life can be. But as long as both people are honest with each other and accept each other's flaws and put up with those flaws (to a certain extent, let's be real here), then the relationship has staying power. The trick is to find that other person who will still love you, warts and all, and not expect or want you to change, or try to change you. They just compliment your life instead, and make it better.

[Ronni_W]

Hey, D-Lish.

I'm a sucker for a romantic story with a happy ending...I hope that what's going on between you at present is just a temporary misunderstanding of some sort and that everything will work out perfectly in the end...by Christmas, as I understand it?

I came back to his place and he hadn't bothered to cook dinner. I came home hungry after a long day and he hadn't bothered to cook.

Did he offer any explanation as to why he had not cooked dinner as promised?

You wrote, twice, that he "hadn't bothered"...but perhaps he had a 'better' reason, at least in his mind, than just that it would have been a "bother" to do it?

 

In my own experience, kind and decent men go into a totally different head-space if/when they think or know that they've disappointed us -- I think it's what they hate the most -- [so] perhaps your guy is just dealing with his "self stuff" around you having said that? (I don't know. I do know that most often they seem to prefer retreating into their 'man cave' to deal with their self-stuff.)

 

Hugs and best.

[D-Lish]

Darn tootin' I gave him pillow to the head! He deserved it! That's the not-so-fun part of relationships, when you have to be the enforcer of boundaries and expectations (which sometimes need to be reinforced).

 

It's good that you had the "chutspah" to call out your boyfriend on not following through on his promises. If he wants to be your husband, he'll have to get used to the idea that you are allowed to express your disappointment. You are allowed to feel let down and let him know that. Same for him.

 

You can't be perfectly in love 100% of the time. People screw up, make mistakes. The relationships that last are because both people have their own egos in check, where they can say, "You know you're right, I screwed up. Sorry about that. Let me make it up to you." No one is perfect.

 

Relationships are messy, just like life can be. But as long as both people are honest with each other and accept each other's flaws and put up with those flaws (to a certain extent, let's be real here), then the relationship has staying power. The trick is to find that other person who will still love you, warts and all, and not expect or want you to change, or try to change you. They just compliment your life instead, and make it better.

 

Thank you again WG.

 

I think he's calling things off though.

[writergal]

Thank you again WG.

 

I think he's calling things off though.

 

You are welcome D-Lish. Well you don't know that for sure. Don't put that cart before the horse yet. Wait and see.

 

If he does call things off, it's a blessing in disguise b/c maybe he was the one who prepared your heart for the man whom you will marry. Maybe he's the person who helped you trust yourself again, to open up to loving someone. I've seen that happen before.

 

But maybe he won't call things off. Maybe he just needed a couple of days to get his head together about being engaged (which isn't official yet, right?). Who knows.

 

Just don't give up hope so quickly. It may be nothing at all.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am really impressed that you have opened yourself up to feel like this. I haven't been capable of that in years.

[D-Lish]

I am really impressed that you have opened yourself up to feel like this. I haven't been capable of that in years.

 

It was liberating to be able to do so. I feel like this was my last kick at the can ET. I'm 40, I'm divorced, and I was just coasting through life pretty much content being alone until this guy came along and changed my life.

 

My exH cheated on me and got another woman pregnant- I haven't been the same since I left him 8 years ago.

 

I opened up 100%, and he assured me 100 times over I could trust him doing so. Now he's pulled away. I'm feeling pretty distraught.

 

It's 10am and I am drinking a beer.

[CarrieT]

It's 10am and I am drinking a beer.

 

Put the beer down.

 

You KNOW drinking a beer in the morning is not the answer.

 

Get out of your house - go see a movie or do something that will get you out of your head for a while.

 

You don't know if he is ending it and your thoughts are all over the place, possibly assuming the worst.

 

On the dinner thing, you stated, "I am disappointed in YOU" when perhaps just stating, "I am disappointed" might have been a better approach. One can be disappointed in a situation and deal with the person who causes the disappointment in a more constructive way.

 

Don't project that he's ending it yet without having an open and honest conversation about the status of the relationship, but you don't need to keep inquiring if things are okay.

 

Do a small version of a 180 - just go about your life in a positive and effective manner and show him that you are doing just fine. We will all keep up encouraging thoughts for you, my dear!