Falling too hard too fast...Good or bad?

[Eternal Sunshine]

It was liberating to be able to do so. I feel like this was my last kick at the can ET. I'm 40, I'm divorced, and I was just coasting through life pretty much content being alone until this guy came along and changed my life.

 

My exH cheated on me and got another woman pregnant- I haven't been the same since I left him 8 years ago.

 

I opened up 100%, and he assured me 100 times over I could trust him doing so. Now he's pulled away. I'm feeling pretty distraught.

 

It's 10am and I am drinking a beer.

 

One thing I really struggle to understand about men. If they genuinely feel the emotional connection and attraction how can it just dissapear out of nowhere? I know that when I feel it, it doesn't go away. Does that mean that they were dishonest all along? Or just wired differently?

[Emilia]

One thing I really struggle to understand about men. If they genuinely feel the emotional connection and attraction how can it just dissapear out of nowhere? I know that when I feel it, it doesn't go away. Does that mean that they were dishonest all along? Or just wired differently?

 

I think sometimes they fight it. I think they are used to fighting everything and oppressing it so it's just another thing on the list to keep under control.

[carhill]

One thing I really struggle to understand about men. If they genuinely feel the emotional connection and attraction how can it just dissapear out of nowhere? I know that when I feel it, it doesn't go away. Does that mean that they were dishonest all along? Or just wired differently?

Fear, not necessarily of the person or attachment in general but rather strong emotions. We process certain emotions we're allowed/encouraged to express publicly well, but those which were not allowed to express or are generally shamed for expressing can result in fear of exposure.

 

An essential aversion to 'you and me forever' feelings.

 

Attachment disorders or incompatible attachment styles, again not specific to a particular person, but rather in general. One can observe attachments to friends, family, etc to see signs of this issue.

 

What women often feel naturally has been either discouraged in or socialized out of men. Wired differently? As a wonderful counselor opined, men have brains with boxes and women and brains like balls of wire. Very different 'wiring'. We can process the same stimulus in completely different ways and reach completely different results.

 

My general advice to people like the OP is to hold on loosely as long as the interactions don't directly attack their boundaries and see how things go over time.

[Ruby Slippers]

How much time do you normally spend with him, and what's your typical level of communication via phone, e-mail, and text?

 

What was that a few weeks ago, and what is it now?

[D-Lish]

Put the beer down.

 

You KNOW drinking a beer in the morning is not the answer.

 

Get out of your house - go see a movie or do something that will get you out of your head for a while.

 

You don't know if he is ending it and your thoughts are all over the place, possibly assuming the worst.

 

On the dinner thing, you stated, "I am disappointed in YOU" when perhaps just stating, "I am disappointed" might have been a better approach. One can be disappointed in a situation and deal with the person who causes the disappointment in a more constructive way.

 

Don't project that he's ending it yet without having an open and honest conversation about the status of the relationship, but you don't need to keep inquiring if things are okay.

 

Do a small version of a 180 - just go about your life in a positive and effective manner and show him that you are doing just fine. We will all keep up encouraging thoughts for you, my dear!

 

I think I might have just said I'm disappointed, but regardless it was kinda warranted. I work 40 hours a week, he doesn't work. I've been the one driving out to his place 3-4 times a week (hour drive). I have cooked him dinner multiple times, I often bring it home from work!

 

He is a bit selfish and forgetful.

 

I promise you I won't keep asking if things are okay:( I got advice from a male friend and he said to just pull the heck back let him come to me. That's what I plan to do.

 

One thing I really struggle to understand about men. If they genuinely feel the emotional connection and attraction how can it just dissapear out of nowhere? I know that when I feel it, it doesn't go away. Does that mean that they were dishonest all along? Or just wired differently?

 

I don't know if they are dishonest or I keep meeting sociopaths. They are wired differently than we are though.

 

How much time do you normally spend with him, and what's your typical level of communication via phone, e-mail, and text?

 

What was that a few weeks ago, and what is it now?

 

We normally spend 3-4 days a week together. I work full time, he doesn't work- which bugs me. He plays for a semi pro sports team that pays him to play. It's not much- but he also lives off an inheritance.

[CarrieT]

Stop driving him to him if you are working 40 hours a week and he's not working.

 

If he wants to be with you, let him work to be with you. If he doesn't, that will be very telling to you, won't it?

[D-Lish]

Stop driving him to him if you are working 40 hours a week and he's not working.

 

If he wants to be with you, let him work to be with you. If he doesn't, that will be very telling to you, won't it?

 

I know Carrie. It's complicated. I have a peanut sized apartment and he has a big house with a back yard and a pool. We both have dogs- and it has just made sense for me to go to him. He has come to my place a few times, but my dog is in heaven having a back yard to run around in. I'm going to pull back and not offer to drive out.

 

He's been asking me to move in and he pretends to get down on one knee and pull a ring out of his pocket all of the time... It's just bizarre that he's pulled back so quickly.

[Mrin]

Ok that knee thing is kinda creepy.

[D-Lish]

Ok that knee thing is kinda creepy.

 

Why? And is it?

 

It's funny when we're hanging out and he pretends to trip and pull a fake ring out. We usually laugh and kid around after and he asks if I'd say "yes".

 

Then he cancels on me.

Edited August 20, 2014 by D-Lish

[Ruby Slippers]

He's been asking me to move in and he pretends to get down on one knee and pull a ring out of his pocket all of the time... It's just bizarre that he's pulled back so quickly.

I agree this is weird. My feeling is that a man who's serious about marrying you wouldn't joke about it and tease you like this, especially not repeatedly.

 

If I can be completely honest, I feel like there is something this guy is not telling me. I've felt that all along.

What has given you that impression?

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Asking you to move in after fewer than 2 months seems incredibly reckless, no matter what age or stage of life you're in. Or is he just joking about that too?

[D-Lish]

I agree this is weird. My feeling is that a man who's serious about marrying you wouldn't joke about it and tease you like this, especially not repeatedly.

 

 

What has given you that impression?

 

 

I agree. He tackles me and kisses me in his back yard and says he's going to marry me, he corners me and kisses me and tells me I'm his best friend and I resist.

 

He tells me every day I'm the girl he's going to marry.

 

Then he goes cold.

[D-Lish]

Asking you to move in after fewer than 2 months seems incredibly reckless, no matter what age or stage of life you're in. Or is he just joking about that too?

 

I don't know if it's reckless or not to ask such a thing. He didn't seem to be joking, who knows though- he jokes non stop about everything.

[CarrieT]

he jokes non stop about everything.

Well, that is telling on its own.

 

I am hoping you are doing better today, D-Lish. This whole process is much of why we rant about seeing somebody through all four seasons before moving in with them and/or getting engaged; to work through all the potential red flags.

 

You've gotten your red flags early and we hope you can see them through to a long-term, positive relationship. Maybe this last one was enough to pull it to a stop. Do we know yet?

 

Please check-in...

[D-Lish]

Well, that is telling on its own.

 

I am hoping you are doing better today, D-Lish. This whole process is much of why we rant about seeing somebody through all four seasons before moving in with them and/or getting engaged; to work through all the potential red flags.

 

You've gotten your red flags early and we hope you can see them through to a long-term, positive relationship. Maybe this last one was enough to pull it to a stop. Do we know yet?

 

Please check-in...

 

I am still feeling the panic. I saw his talk about marriage and moving in as a way of expressing his feelings. I didn't take it seriously.

 

I lied and told him I was going to a cottage with friends until tonight so it didn't seem like I was moping around waiting for him. he text back to have fun and he'll miss me. That was yesterday at noon, the last time I heard from him. Highly unusual.

[D-Lish]

I'm feeling like he needs space for the moment, so I'm just going to pull back and go about my own business. I'm not going to reach out over and over and ask what is wrong.

 

He said we are fine, but I know in my heart something has changed.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I'm feeling like he needs space for the moment, so I'm just going to pull back and go about my own business. I'm not going to reach out over and over and ask what is wrong.

 

He said we are fine, but I know in my heart something has changed.

 

It's the worst feeling ever isn't it when you can TELL something has changed, you just know in your gut, but they won't actually tell you it for sure yet. I remember with my last boyfriend I could sense something was up, but he denied and said it was all fine. I went away for the weekend and we said the space would be good, but he barely got in touch the whole time.. when he did, it was 'I can't wait to see you again and hold you in my arms' really positive stuff, but when I questioned why he hadn't messaged me once in a whole day (Really unusual for us) he said 'I just thought we were going to give each other some space to think'. On the way back he sent a text asking if it would be better to be just friends to try salvage the friendship before a nasty breakup because he couldn't bear me not being in his life anymore. Once he sent that I knew a breakup was imminent whether from him or for me because I don't need that kind of wishy washy uncertainty about me from somebody. The next day, I saw him and we split. Never saw him again. That went south after about five months come to think of it.

 

Once it goes that way I tend to just go the opposite way myself and become naturally less interested, as though steeling myself for a breakup. The limbo is the worst thing isn't it. In your position I'd set myself an internal ultimatum deadline... say, if this time in a week I still feel things are off, I'll break it off. That feeling of knowing you do have a little control left is sometimes what you need to see it through, and you know then that it's not going to last forever.

 

I hope it works out but I'm more realistic than some posters I guess, when you feel it in your gut it's usually true. It's devastating I know, when you're super into someone, they reciprocate then suddenly they go cold. It makes you feel like you're the only one whose feelings were real all along.

 

After that guy, I did a fair bit of dating around and two/three months later met the man I'm with now. We've been together since January and just officially moved in together. I don't know what the future holds because I'm always a little nervous of things capsizing after a couple of awful experiences but for right now I'm really happy, and I see that it ending with the last guy was exactly the perfect thing that needed to happen for me there and then to make way for this.

 

Good luck...

[D-Lish]

It's the worst feeling ever isn't it when you can TELL something has changed, you just know in your gut, but they won't actually tell you it for sure yet. I remember with my last boyfriend I could sense something was up, but he denied and said it was all fine. I went away for the weekend and we said the space would be good, but he barely got in touch the whole time.. when he did, it was 'I can't wait to see you again and hold you in my arms' really positive stuff, but when I questioned why he hadn't messaged me once in a whole day (Really unusual for us) he said 'I just thought we were going to give each other some space to think'. On the way back he sent a text asking if it would be better to be just friends to try salvage the friendship before a nasty breakup because he couldn't bear me not being in his life anymore. Once he sent that I knew a breakup was imminent whether from him or for me because I don't need that kind of wishy washy uncertainty about me from somebody. The next day, I saw him and we split. Never saw him again. That went south after about five months come to think of it.

 

Once it goes that way I tend to just go the opposite way myself and become naturally less interested, as though steeling myself for a breakup. The limbo is the worst thing isn't it. In your position I'd set myself an internal ultimatum deadline... say, if this time in a week I still feel things are off, I'll break it off. That feeling of knowing you do have a little control left is sometimes what you need to see it through, and you know then that it's not going to last forever.

 

I hope it works out but I'm more realistic than some posters I guess, when you feel it in your gut it's usually true. It's devastating I know, when you're super into someone, they reciprocate then suddenly they go cold. It makes you feel like you're the only one whose feelings were real all along.

 

After that guy, I did a fair bit of dating around and two/three months later met the man I'm with now. We've been together since January and just officially moved in together. I don't know what the future holds because I'm always a little nervous of things capsizing after a couple of awful experiences but for right now I'm really happy, and I see that it ending with the last guy was exactly the perfect thing that needed to happen for me there and then to make way for this.

 

Good luck...

 

Yes, unfortunately, If this doesn't work out, I'm pretty sure I will never open up to another man ever again. I feel like this was my last kick at the can. I just hate not knowing what's going on.

 

He's told me he wants me to raise his daughter with me, that he's never felt this way about anyone before, that I'm his best friend, that he loves me to pieces, that I'm perfect for him. Who says that stuff and then pulls away ?

 

I couldn't imagine ever opening up to another man ever again if this goes south. I've been burned pretty badly before- but this is going to kill me because I've exposed myself to him. This is the first time since my divorce that I've opened up like this and allowed someone in.

[Mrin]

D-Lish: I think you're getting some good advice here and I think you're going through a terribly rough situation admirably. Hang in there. Also, if it goes south, please don't close yourself off. The heart is a muscle and like any muscle, the more you use it the stronger it gets. Focus on how great it felt to be open with someone. Don't focus on the hurt. You're stronger than that. Almost take a hedonistic approach - remember the pleasure it gave you and know that you are capable of feeling that pleasure. Then go out and find it again when you run across the right guy.

 

In the end, if this goes south, it went south early. He didn't bilk you out of money. Or property. You didn't make any unwise life decisions. You'll emerge stronger once the healing is done.

 

I speak from experience. I've served up my heart on a platter on several occasions. Sometimes it has worked and was incredible. Other times it hasn't and I've chalked those up to short bursts of romance or hard lessons to learn. But i'd rather live and love full throttle than to not live and love at all.

 

And who really knows - perhaps you'll come "back" from your cottage stay and you'll pick right back up where you left off.

 

Do be kind to yourself.

[Kamille]

 

He's been distant since then. Not texting much. We had plans tomorrow, I was to go to his place and spend my two days off with him. I didn't hear too much from him today, then he cancelled on me for tomorrow saying he had too much stuff to do. He was reassuring that everything was fine between us, but I have a very bad feeling. Having "stuff" to do isn't a valid excuse because we do "stuff" together all the time. It's an excuse.

 

 

If this is unusual behaviour, why not ask him for the reassurance that you need? Right now you're upset but avoiding addressing the issue with him. This is leading you to mistrust him and his motives. I'm sure that's the last thing he wants, since he's so excited about you two. A simple: "I was looking forward to seeing you and I'm feeling sad I won't get to see you this weekend." could start the conversation.

Edited August 20, 2014 by Kamille

[D-Lish]

If this is unusual behaviour, why not ask him for the reassurance that you need? Right now you're upset but avoiding addressing the issue with him. This is leading you to mistrust him and his motives. I'm sure that's the last thing he wants, since he's so excited about you two. A simple: "I was looking forward to seeing you and I'm feeling sad I won't get to see you this weekend." could start the conversation.

 

Hi K,

 

He did give me reassurance that everything was fine with us after he cancelled. The whole excuse that he couldn't see me because he had too much stuff to do was a BS excuse though. It would have been better had he just said he needed space or something.

 

I haven't heard from in over 24 hours now. We've never gone that long without talking before.

[writergal]

Yes, unfortunately, If this doesn't work out, I'm pretty sure I will never open up to another man ever again. I feel like this was my last kick at the can. I just hate not knowing what's going on.

 

He's told me he wants me to raise his daughter with me, that he's never felt this way about anyone before, that I'm his best friend, that he loves me to pieces, that I'm perfect for him. Who says that stuff and then pulls away ?

 

I couldn't imagine ever opening up to another man ever again if this goes south. I've been burned pretty badly before- but this is going to kill me because I've exposed myself to him. This is the first time since my divorce that I've opened up like this and allowed someone in.

 

He sounds like an illusion, making all those future promises. And illusions are dangerous people to be involved with, because they never follow through on their promises, and they act like they have no flaws (or make it appear that way to the public).

 

Please don't let this relationship close your heart off permanently. If this relationship doesn't work out, that doesn't mean you can't try again with someone new, someone better for you.

 

Never close your heart to love to someone in the future, because someone else in the present takes it and throws it away. This guy is a fool first of all, for throwing away your love that you freely gave (if he does indeed throw it away).

 

And secondly, this guy is NOT the end-all-be-all of men out there. Last time I checked, the world has 7 BILLION people; with Canada ranking at 37% of the world population (thank you Google!) with 35 million people.

 

So, if you divide that in half, there are at least 17 million men in Canada who would date you and possibly want to marry you. And those my friend are good odds!

 

No guy is worth closing your heart off when the relationship ends.

 

Hopefully this guy will explain himself and his need for space.

Edited August 20, 2014 by writergal

[D-Lish]

D-Lish: I think you're getting some good advice here and I think you're going through a terribly rough situation admirably. Hang in there. Also, if it goes south, please don't close yourself off. The heart is a muscle and like any muscle, the more you use it the stronger it gets. Focus on how great it felt to be open with someone. Don't focus on the hurt. You're stronger than that. Almost take a hedonistic approach - remember the pleasure it gave you and know that you are capable of feeling that pleasure. Then go out and find it again when you run across the right guy.

 

In the end, if this goes south, it went south early. He didn't bilk you out of money. Or property. You didn't make any unwise life decisions. You'll emerge stronger once the healing is done.

 

I speak from experience. I've served up my heart on a platter on several occasions. Sometimes it has worked and was incredible. Other times it hasn't and I've chalked those up to short bursts of romance or hard lessons to learn. But i'd rather live and love full throttle than to not live and love at all.

 

And who really knows - perhaps you'll come "back" from your cottage stay and you'll pick right back up where you left off.

 

Do be kind to yourself.

 

Thanks.

 

I never put myself out there fully. I think that's why I've had so much trouble maintaining relationships in the past. This time was different- I approached him with an open heart because he was doing the same.

 

I couldn't imagine ever being able to do that again if it turns out I've been played.

 

I don't understand how someone can say such monumental things to a person then go cold so suddenly.

 

I met his best friend a couple of weeks ago and he pulled me aside and said he's never seen his friend so happy or act like he does with me.

 

When I woke up Sunday morning to go home, things just felt different. He's barely made contact with me since except to cancel on me.

[D-Lish]

He sounds like an illusion, making all those future promises. And illusions are dangerous people to be involved with, because they never follow through on their promises, and they act like they have no flaws (or make it appear that way to the public).

 

Please don't let this relationship close your heart off permanently. If this relationship doesn't work out, that doesn't mean you can't try again with someone new, someone better for you.

 

Never close your heart to love to someone in the future, because someone else in the present takes it and throws it away. This guy is a fool first of all, for throwing away your love that you freely gave (if he does indeed throw it away).

 

And secondly, this guy is NOT the end-all-be-all of men out there. Last time I checked, the world has 7 BILLION people; with Canada ranking at 37% of the world population (thank you Google!) with 35 million people.

 

So, if you divide that in half, there are at least 17 million men in Canada who would date you and possibly want to marry you. And those my friend are good odds!

 

No guy is worth closing your heart off when the relationship ends.

 

Hopefully this guy will explain himself and his need for space.

 

I'll have to look up what an Illusion personality is like and see if he fits the bill. He does tend to make promises and not follow through.

 

When he was supposed to cook me dinner Saturday and I got home and he hadn't done anything- I didn't get angry, just explained it was disappointing and I needed him to start following through on his promises. It was the next day that I could tell things were different.

[writergal]

Thanks.

 

 

I couldn't imagine ever being able to do that again if it turns out I've been played.

 

 

I know you don't think you could open yourself up again to another man 100% based on how this relationship pans out. But that's part of the human condition: reach out to someone, get rejected, try again, or choose not to try again. If you choose not to try again, you validate that person's rejection of you as being more important than what you think of yourself. And that's no good!

 

If this guy rejects your love, all that means is that he wasn't the right guy. The right guy won't reject your love when you offer it. I know that seems like I'm over-simplifying, but why does love have to be so complicated? Love should be that simple: he loves you, he loves you not. If not, then try again b/c you deserve to be happy D-Lish. Exercise your heart muscle by continuing to love until that love is returned. And it will be. If not by this guy, by another guy. Just don't give up on yourself so easily.