Falling too hard too fast...Good or bad?

[acrosstheuniverse]

Yes, unfortunately, If this doesn't work out, I'm pretty sure I will never open up to another man ever again. I feel like this was my last kick at the can. I just hate not knowing what's going on.

 

He's told me he wants me to raise his daughter with me, that he's never felt this way about anyone before, that I'm his best friend, that he loves me to pieces, that I'm perfect for him. Who says that stuff and then pulls away ?

 

I couldn't imagine ever opening up to another man ever again if this goes south. I've been burned pretty badly before- but this is going to kill me because I've exposed myself to him. This is the first time since my divorce that I've opened up like this and allowed someone in.

 

I felt like this when I got dumped late 2012. I also felt the same when a relationship late 2013 didn't work out, and he also dumped me. Both of them seemed to do total u-turns and I couldn't figure out why, it really hurt like absolute hell, although the first was two years and the latter only about five months. I can tell you now, it's NEVER the last kick of the can. There are infinite possibilities out there, many many men. Every time I get hurt and think that I will never meet someone else I love as much, I do.

 

However, I would feel suspicions from the start if somebody told me that I was their best friend and they wanted to co-parent with me, so soon into a relationship. Those are pretty incredibly strong statements. I've just moved in with my boyfriend of seven/eight months and even I won't tell him he's my best friend, he's certainly becoming one of them but that 'label' for what it's worth means so much more to me than 'we get on amazingly well right now', it's a long term thing.

 

I felt like I'd been shot when I opened myself up and let myself be vulnerable to someone new and got hurt. But it's always worth doing, I think the pain is worth it, for the amazing feeling you get when it DOES go well. I know it hurts, the rejection killed me. The confusion hurt even more. But I promise you that someday, once you've healed from this, you can open up again. Maybe make the guy take it a little slower, though... less chance of getting hurt so bad. But it's hard when things are going so well isn't it.

[writergal]

I'll have to look up what an Illusion personality is like and see if he fits the bill. He does tend to make promises and not follow through.

 

When he was supposed to cook me dinner Saturday and I got home and he hadn't done anything- I didn't get angry, just explained it was disappointing and I needed him to start following through on his promises. It was the next day that I could tell things were different.

 

Oh, by illusion I basically meant that as a metaphor for someone who is fake, who makes false promises and comes across as perfect on the surface. Maybe there is an illusion personality disorder, but I think that would just mean the guy is a superficial self-absorbed player.

 

If he can't follow through on promises every time he makes a promise to you, yeah, that's a HUGE red flag. Maybe that's what caused him to withdraw from you this week, b/c he is aware now that you are not afraid to call him out on his b.s., so if he wants to be with you he will have to respect you enough to follow through on his promises to you. If he makes excuses, or tries to blame you, then he's not worth any more effort on your part, and you should end the relationship.

 

Always follow your gut. The gut never lies.

[Ruby Slippers]

When he was supposed to cook me dinner Saturday and I got home and he hadn't done anything- I didn't get angry, just explained it was disappointing and I needed him to start following through on his promises. It was the next day that I could tell things were different.

It sounds like he's considering whether he has the cards in his hand to back up the big talk he's been putting down on the table. You called him on a minor incident, and now he's thinking about the whole enchilada.

 

It's a good thing he's doing this now, as opposed to on down the line. If he's not really all in and has been making empty promises, let him figure that out now so you don't get jerked around.

 

It jumps out at me that you lied to him about the cottage excursion. Why let his behavior influence you to be dishonest?

 

I hope you realize that it's perfectly reasonable to ask him to follow through on his commitments. Nothing sends my guard up faster than a person saying they'll do things and then not following through. I never let that slide, not even once. This goes for business associates, friends, and romantic partners. With the very first occurrence, I start to view that person as unreliable, lower my expectations, and take measures to protect myself. I shine a light on them not following through so they know that I'm aware. If it continues, I don't associate with that person, or downgrade them to a more distant position.

 

I agree with the poster who said that worst case scenario, this doesn't work out but this relationship has primed your heart to receive real love. I feel that's exactly what happened in my last relationship. I loved that guy, and I opened my heart up to him. It didn't work out, but I feel the experience prepared me to meet the right guy for me. I'm getting ready to start dating again, and I feel good about it.

 

What stands out to me most in this thread is how this is all triggering your anxieties, fears about love, fear of abandonment. These are the things that need your attention. NO ONE will save you from yourself. Only you can do that.

 

Have you read any of the "law of attraction" material? I recently read "The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent" by Esther Hicks with a friend, and I recommend this book for you. It's a bit fruity, falls under the category of New Thought Spirituality. But there's some excellent food for thought in there, stuff that has really helped me work on calming my own worries and fears about love and life. Look up "Abraham Hicks" on YouTube, too. Listen to some of her live event recordings. I find them very interesting and helpful.

[writergal]

It sounds like he's considering whether he has the cards in his hand to back up the big talk he's been putting down on the table. You called him on a minor incident, and now he's thinking about the whole enchilada.

 

 

I thought the same thing. That's exactly what's he's doing right now. Exactly. Good call Ruby!

[D-Lish]

Oh, by illusion I basically meant that as a metaphor for someone who is fake, who makes false promises and comes across as perfect on the surface. Maybe there is an illusion personality disorder, but I think that would just mean the guy is a superficial self-absorbed player.

 

If he can't follow through on promises every time he makes a promise to you, yeah, that's a HUGE red flag. Maybe that's what caused him to withdraw from you this week, b/c he is aware now that you are not afraid to call him out on his b.s., so if he wants to be with you he will have to respect you enough to follow through on his promises to you. If he makes excuses, or tries to blame you, then he's not worth any more effort on your part, and you should end the relationship.

 

Always follow your gut. The gut never lies.

 

I'm definitely starting to feel like this guy could be a fake. He does tend to make a lot of promises and not follow through.

 

Something tells me that I set him off by telling him how disappointed I was that he promised me dinner and I came home to him lounging on the couch with a few beers in him like all was okay. He'd been home all day- and coming home and seeing that really made me think about how little he cared. I did call him out for that. and I told him I needed him to follow though when he promised me things.

 

I'm not sure if this sounds right or not, but I have this nagging feeling that his love for me is conditional on how I support his ego. Sort of like I buy into his view of himself (which is inflated)- and as long as I'm supporting that view- everything is right in his world.

 

I just feel sick right now, sort of foolish actually.

 

He's the type of guy that talks himself up a lot. I chalked it up to him bragging a bit- because lots of people do that to impress a new partner. However, some of the stuff he has claimed about himself have turned out to be greatly exaggerated.

 

I think it's over anyway, but I'm really thinking that if he does come around that I should end things.

[D-Lish]

It sounds like he's considering whether he has the cards in his hand to back up the big talk he's been putting down on the table. You called him on a minor incident, and now he's thinking about the whole enchilada.

 

It's a good thing he's doing this now, as opposed to on down the line. If he's not really all in and has been making empty promises, let him figure that out now so you don't get jerked around.

 

It jumps out at me that you lied to him about the cottage excursion. Why let his behavior influence you to be dishonest?

 

I hope you realize that it's perfectly reasonable to ask him to follow through on his commitments. Nothing sends my guard up faster than a person saying they'll do things and then not following through. I never let that slide, not even once. This goes for business associates, friends, and romantic partners. With the very first occurrence, I start to view that person as unreliable, lower my expectations, and take measures to protect myself. I shine a light on them not following through so they know that I'm aware. If it continues, I don't associate with that person, or downgrade them to a more distant position.

 

I agree with the poster who said that worst case scenario, this doesn't work out but this relationship has primed your heart to receive real love. I feel that's exactly what happened in my last relationship. I loved that guy, and I opened my heart up to him. It didn't work out, but I feel the experience prepared me to meet the right guy for me. I'm getting ready to start dating again, and I feel good about it.

 

What stands out to me most in this thread is how this is all triggering your anxieties, fears about love, fear of abandonment. These are the things that need your attention. NO ONE will save you from yourself. Only you can do that.

 

Have you read any of the "law of attraction" material? I recently read "The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent" by Esther Hicks with a friend, and I recommend this book for you. It's a bit fruity, falls under the category of New Thought Spirituality. But there's some excellent food for thought in there, stuff that has really helped me work on calming my own worries and fears about love and life. Look up "Abraham Hicks" on YouTube, too. Listen to some of her live event recordings. I find them very interesting and helpful.

 

I don't know why I lied about going to the cottage. I felt like I needed to say I was doing something fun, not sitting at home crying as I've actually been doing the past couple of days. I know it was silly.

 

I have read some of the "law of attraction" stuff before. I will look up that video.

 

I have always had fear and anxiety issues when it comes to love. I have major abandonment issues.

 

What was different with this guy is that I told him about all of my fears before we met. I came at him as an open book, something I've never done before.

 

I am wondering if he's starting to question if he can back up all of his promises.

 

I just want to know what's going on one way or the other. I can't ask him again what's going on because he's said twice that "we're fine". On the other hand it's been well over 24 hours since I last heard from him. There is nothing worse than not knowing what's going on.

[Kamille]

 

I'm not sure if this sounds right or not, but I have this nagging feeling that his love for me is conditional on how I support his ego. Sort of like I buy into his view of himself (which is inflated)- and as long as I'm supporting that view- everything is right in his world.

 

 

 

 

Been there done that. Over and over again. My therapist gifted me the t-shirt.

 

This is a really good insight - and definitely something you should pay attention to as you proceed with this relationship. You could be wrong. If so, let him prove you wrong.

 

But yes, avoid a relationship where your main role is to be a cheerleader. Those are exhausting.

 

I know you're feeling sad and abandoned right now, but the very fact you had that insight gives you some power. You get to have a say on how you want your relationship to work. It could be that this guy doesn't actually have what you need. Again, give him a chance to prove it - but be mindful of your own needs.

[D-Lish]

Been there done that. Over and over again. My therapist gifted me the t-shirt.

 

This is a really good insight - and definitely something you should pay attention to as you proceed with this relationship. You could be wrong. If so, let him prove you wrong.

 

But yes, avoid a relationship where your main role is to be a cheerleader. Those are exhausting.

 

I know you're feeling sad and abandoned right now, but the very fact you had that insight gives you some power. You get to have a say on how you want your relationship to work. It could be that this guy doesn't actually have what you need. Again, give him a chance to prove it - but be mindful of your own needs.

 

Thanks, that's good advice.

 

I know that sometimes men need to pull away- that whole rubber band-mars-venus crap. I also know the worst thing I can do in this situation is to bug him. It's driving me crazy, but I'm just going to wait for him to come to me (if he even does).

 

I literally feel sick with panic at the moment.

[D-Lish]

However, I would feel suspicions from the start if somebody told me that I was their best friend and they wanted to co-parent with me, so soon into a relationship. Those are pretty incredibly strong statements. I've just moved in with my boyfriend of seven/eight months and even I won't tell him he's my best friend, he's certainly becoming one of them but that 'label' for what it's worth means so much more to me than 'we get on amazingly well right now', it's a long term thing.

 

I would normally agree about the sentiment so early on. I don't know why it felt right to say, but it did for both of us. I am feeling foolish for buying into it now. I have to admit, it was so nice to hear somebody say such wonderful things to me. I don't think I've ever dated someone that showered me with such loving compliments and affection.

 

It's just such a shock to my system because I truly trusted his feelings for me were genuine. For things to just change so abruptly is messing with me head.

[serial muse]

I'm definitely starting to feel like this guy could be a fake. He does tend to make a lot of promises and not follow through.

 

Something tells me that I set him off by telling him how disappointed I was that he promised me dinner and I came home to him lounging on the couch with a few beers in him like all was okay. He'd been home all day- and coming home and seeing that really made me think about how little he cared. I did call him out for that. and I told him I needed him to follow though when he promised me things.

 

I'm not sure if this sounds right or not, but I have this nagging feeling that his love for me is conditional on how I support his ego. Sort of like I buy into his view of himself (which is inflated)- and as long as I'm supporting that view- everything is right in his world.

 

I just feel sick right now, sort of foolish actually.

 

He's the type of guy that talks himself up a lot. I chalked it up to him bragging a bit- because lots of people do that to impress a new partner. However, some of the stuff he has claimed about himself have turned out to be greatly exaggerated.

 

I think it's over anyway, but I'm really thinking that if he does come around that I should end things.

 

Hi D-lish,

 

I suspect you're right, that when you shone a spotlight onto an unfulfilled promise, it kind of burst the bubble that he had created about your magical relationship and his wonderfulness in it. I'm not generally an armchair-diagnosis sort of person, but at least some of this does sound like classic narcissism: When people involved with narcissists stop offering the narcissistic supply, they often find themselves left out in the cold.

 

I obviously don't know what's going on with him, but I do think that the fact that you felt you needed to hide your concern and your pain mean that this isn't going in a good direction. Please take care of yourself.

[D-Lish]

Hi D-lish,

 

I suspect you're right, that when you shone a spotlight onto an unfulfilled promise, it kind of burst the bubble that he had created about your magical relationship and his wonderfulness in it. I'm not generally an armchair-diagnosis sort of person, but at least some of this does sound like classic narcissism: When people involved with narcissists stop offering the narcissistic supply, they often find themselves left out in the cold.

 

I obviously don't know what's going on with him, but I do think that the fact that you felt you needed to hide your concern and your pain mean that this isn't going in a good direction. Please take care of yourself.

 

Thanks, I too was researching narcissism. He's an only child and he is pretty selfish. It feels to me like I consider him a lot more than he does me. When we're together, he's loving and affectionate- but he doesn't take criticism well.

 

My friends have also pointed out that I seem to do way more for him than he does for me. I think I was so infatuated by the wonderful things he said to me that I tended to let some of the disappointing things he did slide.

[D-Lish]

Sorry to be posting so much, I'm making myself sick with worry not knowing if I'm going to hear from this guy again.

 

I was supposed to meet a friend for dinner but she cancelled- so I'm left alone with my racing thoughts. I guess it's a good thing I'm not going out because my eyes are puffy from crying for 2 days.

 

I keep checking my facebook status to see if he's removed our relationship tag. it's been almost 2 days since I have heard anything from him.

 

The worst thing is not knowing what is going on. The fact that he is doing this to me knowing how vulnerable I am shows me what kind of person I've been dating. It just seems so crazy to me, that a person can say the things he has been saying to me then disappear.

[CarrieT]

You keep posting. We are here for you...

 

Have you thought of going to a movie or something - just so you aren't sitting at home panicking?

 

Or taking yourself out to dinner? Treat yourself, my dear!

[Minnie09]

He seems inconsiderate. The dinner disappointment and now the non-communication....?!? After being so enthusiastic about the whole thing before? That's just weird. I don't know why, but it is always true, or almost always: when the flames burn extremely hot and fast in the beginning, they die fast, too. Can somebody please explain that phenomenon? Happens to me all the time. Story of my life. Otoh, I usually don't fall for guys who take it slow. Too boring. How about you, d-Lish? Are you usually reserved, until somebody comes along and plays the head over heels card? Oh we're oh so compatible and a match made in heaven? Ideally, right after the first or second date? I am. So I only have myself to blame, but I fall for it every time!!!

[writergal]

 

The worst thing is not knowing what is going on. The fact that he is doing this to me knowing how vulnerable I am shows me what kind of person I've been dating. It just seems so crazy to me, that a person can say the things he has been saying to me then disappear.

 

Like Kamille, I've "Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt." I hate it when guys promise you the world but then pull the disappearing act, and when confronted, deny any wrongdoing on their part.

 

Did your guy say when he'd get back in touch with you at all? If the silence is unbearable I say to hell with it, call him and ask him point-blank, "Why did you declare your need for space the day after I told you I was disappointed that you laid around all day drinking beer, instead of making me dinner like you'd promised?"

 

Might as well get to the bottom of this nonsense if he's not going to take any initiative. Take back your power and call him. Forget the standard LS no-contact protocol. Sometimes life calls for improvisations where matters of the heart is concerned. Sometimes you gotta break the rules and follow your heart instead, even if a phone call tonight seems impulsive. He owes you an explanation. Why should you wait around for him to give it, when you could simply ask him for it right now when you call him.

 

Otherwise, if you want to wait for him to contact you again, take yourself to a bookstore, or go to a movie, or go grocery shopping to distract yourself.

 

But again, there comes a point where you have to decide, enough is enough, and take matters into your own hands. 2 days of silence? Don't you think you've waited long enough?

[D-Lish]

He seems inconsiderate. The dinner disappointment and now the non-communication....?!? After being so enthusiastic about the whole thing before? That's just weird. I don't know why, but it is always true, or almost always: when the flames burn extremely hot and fast in the beginning, they die fast, too. Can somebody please explain that phenomenon? Happens to me all the time. Story of my life. Otoh, I usually don't fall for guys who take it slow. Too boring. How about you, d-Lish? Are you usually reserved, until somebody comes along and plays the head over heels card? Oh we're oh so compatible and a match made in heaven? Ideally, right after the first or second date? I am. So I only have myself to blame, but I fall for it every time!!!

 

I have never fallen this hard this fast before. It was close with my ex-husband, but it usually takes me a while to fall for someone. Finding someone I'm attracted to is the hard part. We fell hard for one another the moment we laid eyes on one another. I know things like this can fizzle fast, but with my ex-husband it happened in a similar way and we were together almost 10 years.

 

The whole "we're perfect for one another" did come up pretty fast.

[D-Lish]

Like Kamille, I've "Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt." I hate it when guys promise you the world but then pull the disappearing act, and when confronted, deny any wrongdoing on their part.

 

Did your guy say when he'd get back in touch with you at all? If the silence is unbearable I say to hell with it, call him and ask him point-blank, "Why did you declare your need for space the day after I told you I was disappointed that you laid around all day drinking beer, instead of making me dinner like you'd promised?"

 

Might as well get to the bottom of this nonsense if he's not going to take any initiative. Take back your power and call him. Forget the standard LS no-contact protocol. Sometimes life calls for improvisations where matters of the heart is concerned. Sometimes you gotta break the rules and follow your heart instead, even if a phone call tonight seems impulsive. He owes you an explanation. Why should you wait around for him to give it, when you could simply ask him for it right now when you call him.

 

Otherwise, if you want to wait for him to contact you again, take yourself to a bookstore, or go to a movie, or go grocery shopping to distract yourself.

 

But again, there comes a point where you have to decide, enough is enough, and take matters into your own hands. 2 days of silence? Don't you think you've waited long enough?

 

We sort of left things up in the air. He had an important game tonight and he usually retreats into himself before important games- never like this though. I was going to wait until later and see if he texts me once his game is finished. If I don't hear from him I will reach out and get an answer.

 

It sucks because here I am feeling like I'm the one that has done something wrong.

[Kamille]

Thanks, that's good advice.

 

I know that sometimes men need to pull away- that whole rubber band-mars-venus crap. I also know the worst thing I can do in this situation is to bug him. It's driving me crazy, but I'm just going to wait for him to come to me (if he even does).

 

I literally feel sick with panic at the moment.

 

No, I think the worst thing you can do when feeling like this is lose sight of your own needs.

 

And right now, it sounds like you need to find comfort and security. Considering how you're feeling, he's not the one who will be able to provide it for you right now - in part because you will likely be over-sensitive to the slightest thing he does.

 

Is there anything else you can do to help yourself feel better? What would make you feel like your old secure self?

[D-Lish]

No, I think the worst thing you can do when feeling like this is lose sight of your own needs.

 

And right now, it sounds like you need to find comfort and security. Considering how you're feeling, he's not the one who will be able to provide it for you right now - in part because you will likely be over-sensitive to the slightest thing he does.

 

Is there anything else you can do to help yourself feel better? What would make you feel like your old secure self?

 

I think it's the up in the air thing that is bothering me most. If I knew he was pulling away and wanted to break up- at least I could start grieving and move on with it. The silence is a killer. If he wants to break up and is just being cowardly about it, that's unfair.

 

I've walked my dog so many times today and I think she's tired of it, lol. I just shook the leash at her and she rolled over and went back to sleep.

 

I go back to work tomorrow, which will help me to take my mind of things. It honestly does help to talk it out here.

[Divasu]

I don't understand how someone can say such monumental things to a person then go cold so suddenly.

 

I met his best friend a couple of weeks ago and he pulled me aside and said he's never seen his friend so happy or act like he does with me.

 

When I woke up Sunday morning to go home, things just felt different. He's barely made contact with me since except to cancel on me.

 

From what you've described, I'm not sure I doubt that he DID mean what he said at the time. And, maybe he still feels that way too or maybe he's had a change of heart.

 

Sometimes when you're in the moment, you say what you happen to be feeling, at that point in time. But feelings can change especially when a relationship is fairly new. Whatever the case may be, as cliche as it is, if he comes back it's yours. If he doesn't, it was never yours to begin with.

 

Let's hope it's the former.

[D-Lish]

Well I finally heard from him after his game tonight. The conversation was light and one sided. We avoided any chatter about why we didn't talk for two days. Something is definitely not right between us, I can feel it in my gut.

 

A part of me has been wondering if it's possible I could be dating a sociopathic personality. He definitely exhibits some of the characteristics and I'm feeling like I might have been sucked in by his charm.

[D-Lish]

From what you've described, I'm not sure I doubt that he DID mean what he said at the time. And, maybe he still feels that way too or maybe he's had a change of heart.

 

Sometimes when you're in the moment, you say what you happen to be feeling, at that point in time. But feelings can change especially when a relationship is fairly new. Whatever the case may be, as cliche as it is, if he comes back it's yours. If he doesn't, it was never yours to begin with.

 

Let's hope it's the former.

 

I always tend to panic and think the worst when I'm emotionally vulnerable. The one thing I'm doing different this time is to appear calm to him. It took every ounce of restraint I had to give him space for a few days when I was going off the deep end.

 

I'm just starting to recognize some traits that could very well be some major red flags. It could also just be me panicking though- I get so confused when my heart is exposed.

 

I just want to enjoy a healthy relationship with someone that adores me as much as I do them. I want to feel relaxed and secure, and I've always thought that with the right person I would experience love in such a healthy manner. To be scared and worried and always wondering the worst is not a feeling I want to have, not when I should be enjoying something special.

 

I don't want to drive him away with my insecurities- that can be so unattractive. That's why I remained calm and appeared patient to him when I was freaking out on the inside and sensed he needed space.

 

It's just the whole coming on so strong thing with him, then a brief pull back really jolted me. Maybe it is that he's not used to being in a relationship, he's been single for a long time, as have I. As I said before, when I met his best friend he told me that he's never seen his best friend so happy before. If this guy is the type to have short, quick relationships that fizzle out quickly, I can't imagine his friend saying he sees something special.

 

Who knows, for the time being I'm going to try and take it day by day and try not to let my anxiety take over. I took 2 sleeping pills and am still wide awake sick with worry. I've got to stop overthinking things so much.

[Mrin]

Well I finally heard from him after his game tonight. The conversation was light and one sided. We avoided any chatter about why we didn't talk for two days. Something is definitely not right between us, I can feel it in my gut.

 

A part of me has been wondering if it's possible I could be dating a sociopathic personality. He definitely exhibits some of the characteristics and I'm feeling like I might have been sucked in by his charm.

 

A few thoughts:

 

1. What sort of game?

 

2. Did you get a sense who was holding back? So no OMG I missed you moments?

 

3. Sociopaths: okay the thought had crossed my mind too. But be careful there. Googling "am I dating a sociopath" is like googling "I feel dizzy. Am I going to die". You will be able to convince yourself of any outcome within five minutes.

 

4. So where did you leave it? Did you guys make any plans?

[Ruby Slippers]

I think your rather high anxiety at this time is the real issue here. You're making it all about him, when it's really more about you. I've noticed this is one of your patterns.

 

I don't think you were wrong to let things heat up fast. Most of the stories about people who fell hard for their true love are stories of a relationship that heated up VERY fast, within months or even weeks.

 

Is it possible that he sincerely wanted to take some time to consider what he was getting himself into, and whether he could truly back that up?

 

I mentioned the law of attraction stuff because one of the big tenets of that school of thought is "you're always getting what you're feeling". Same concept as self-fulfilling prophecy. Feeling sad and blue? You get sadness everywhere. Feeling happy go lucky? The world feels like a playground. One of the only things we can control in life is how we feel about things. Anything that happens to you can be viewed as a positive or negative.

 

Negative spin on this situation: OMG he pulled away and is going to dump me! So then your attitude toward him shifts from warm and open, to cold and defensive.

 

Positive spin: He's taking some time to consider whether he can really go all in on this commitment, and that's caring and responsible. So then you could also take some time to consider whether this is what you want, or use the time to do anything that's good for you.

 

I think that at times like this, your fear of abandonment runs wild and completely takes you over. Then you do little and maybe big things to sabotage the relationship so you don't get hurt - the irony, of course, is that your sabotage does not protect you, but ensures you will be hurt.

 

For some reason, when I search on "Abraham Hicks you're always getting what you're feeling" on YouTube, it doesn't come up. But Google it and it's right there. Please have a listen.

Edited August 21, 2014 by Ruby Slippers

[acrosstheuniverse]

I would normally agree about the sentiment so early on. I don't know why it felt right to say, but it did for both of us. I am feeling foolish for buying into it now. I have to admit, it was so nice to hear somebody say such wonderful things to me. I don't think I've ever dated someone that showered me with such loving compliments and affection.

 

It's just such a shock to my system because I truly trusted his feelings for me were genuine. For things to just change so abruptly is messing with me head.

 

Yup... every situation is so different yes, but I have been there with a guy I was besotted with, told me he felt the same way, told me he loved me and wanted to be with me for good, months or years of 'omg this is amazing, we are so perfect for one another, how did we get so lucky', sex off the charts blah blah... and then in the space of a day or a week, they go cold.

 

My take on it, in my own situations (particularly the guy I was with for five months, as with the two year guy at least it had a good run and we had the time to work it out and see what it would be like being together for good) is that powerful infatuation normally begins to wear off after the 4-6 month mark. Up until that point, it's quite easy to mistake the two, in fact it's impossible to tell them apart. Perhaps you, and I, were feeling real true love (as far as is possible in a short relationship anyway), but the guys were only feeling infatuation and mistaking it for love. I can't really fault my ex because I've been the same, only I was 17-19 when I was the type to experience full blown infatuation and think it was love, only for my own feelings to drop off overnight. With my ex at 25 he still hadn't had a relationship so he was probably still in that same teenage mindset I'd had the opportunity to work through.

 

If it makes you feel any better I don't doubt that you guy did believe everything he was saying, it helped me to recognise that my ex wasn't lying to me and stringing me along the whole time, he just didn't realise that he was infatuated and not in love, and sadly I felt love, which left me (and you) so upset when it all went wrong. But feelings are weird, infatuation and love are complex and I guess this is why so many relationships end before the six month stage.

 

If he is losing interest now he probably hates himself for leading you on and getting in so deep to something that he knows is going to hurt you. Maybe he doesn't know how to talk to you about it so he's doing the cowardly typical thing of just running and hiding.

 

Keep coming here and talking, it's good to have that support isn't it! And honestly, stop putting his needs first. If he has gone off you, you confronting him about it isn't going to change anything. Similarly if he is still happy with you, you seeking some kind of head to this situation isn't going to put him off. I think we tip-toe around our partners sometimes, trying to hold back and stay aloof instead of let them know our true feelings.

 

I'm a big believer in just being open and honest 100% of the time. If the guy doesn't like it, they know where to go. In your position I would honestly call him up, ask to meet, and then when I'm with him say 'look, we both know things have been weird between us recently, and I'm not sure how happy I am at the moment. Is there anything you want to talk about?' leave the ball in his court. At least you'll have an answer, which is better than what you're going through right now, this horrible limbo.

 

If you know something is up in your gut, you're usually right... better to just find out for sure and then you can begin to heal. I felt like a MASSIVE tool for buying into it with my ex and letting myself be so blissfully happy, I felt like he must think I was a total idiot for it. But I've never thought that about people I've dated when I've had to be the one to end things. You can't go through life holding back all of the time in case you get hurt, it's better to give it a shot because eventually, for most people, it works out.