Her [pre-] divorce affair vs my post split ONS and divorce R

[lovinDKT3]

lovin' - what has he told you? What do you still want to know?

 

I honestly feel like he is downplaying the whole relationship. I won't go into what he told me vs what I want to know. Maybe its not really wanting to know as much as it is wanting to know its over.

 

I know it doesn't make it any better, but I never had a deep emotional connection with the OM. I will admit that during my affair I thought that not being with DKT wouldn't be so bad, but it was never because of a lack of love. I just didn't feel like he was doing the things that he should have been doing. He wasn't holding up his end of the marriage and I had reached my limit. With this woman, there was love and a deep connection and that scares me, even now. You don't just fall out of love. Maybe I feel there is still an emotional connection.

[Hope Shimmers]

I honestly feel like he is downplaying the whole relationship. I won't go into what he told me vs what I want to know. Maybe its not really wanting to know as much as it is wanting to know its over.

 

I know it doesn't make it any better, but I never had a deep emotional connection with the OM. I will admit that during my affair I thought that not being with DKT wouldn't be so bad, but it was never because of a lack of love. I just didn't feel like he was doing the things that he should have been doing. He wasn't holding up his end of the marriage and I had reached my limit. With this woman, there was love and a deep connection and that scares me, even now. You don't just fall out of love. Maybe I feel there is still an emotional connection.

 

It seems to me that his deep emotional connection is to you. Isn't that what matters? How is his telling you details such as dates, activities, etc about his relationship during your divorce going to either affirm or discount that fact?

 

He has admitted to not being husband of the year when you were married. He has given many concessions (his list of things he gave up) as part of this R. It's all in the past. Do you think he actually was communicating with this woman throughout your R and before? He says he hasn't and that seems very believable, and if he has a "huge emotional connection" with her then he would be with her instead of you, no?

 

My initial reaction (and still my main reaction) is that DKT3 owes you nothing. He does not owe you any facts about what he did when he was divorced - a divorce initiated by YOUR affair. Whether or not you had an emotional connection with the OM really is irrelevant to all of this. That has nothing to do with DKT3 and his decision to forgive or not.

 

On the other hand, I can see how you would feel, even if I don't think it's justified, and maybe DKT3 will give you what you need. But if he does, he doesn't owe it to you. Just my two cents.

[BrokenPrincess]

She needs more because she's been reminded of the relationship you had with a former employee who looks like a much younger version of her. A girl that Lovin knew was attracted to you and sure enough, you embarked on a relationship with her and you still speak fondly of her (noticed that in your original thread). The thing is, you say that it was just a nice relationship of convenience but at one point, you did say you loved her and you discussed marriage! That's a lot more serious than you're making it sound now.

 

So Lovin needs a little more reassurance. I really like beach's suggestions above. I hope that you will be willing to help ease Lovins insecurities about this ex so that you can both keep working towards building a happy future together.

[txgrl]

Thanks for your post. I really wanted to hear what you have to say about this , on your words because with DKT's posts , we only have one side of the story and that too , of the BS's who already has more sympathy than the WS, understandably .

 

I think I understand what you're feeling . Yes, you had the A but DKT never really 'lost' you to the xOM because you still love him . In your mind, this other ex is a threat because you feel you might have 'lost' DKT to her .

 

It's v courageous of you to come here and post and take all this flak . I think you and DKt are doing great . Some bumps and challenges are expected . And there's also stuff that only you and DK know . Posters here go by what is being shared which is obviously never the complete picture .

 

I think time and more open communication about your fears and expectations will help . Kudos to both of you . Best

[lovinDKT3]

Thanks for your post. I really wanted to hear what you have to say about this , on your words because with DKT's posts , we only have one side of the story and that too , of the BS's who already has more sympathy than the WS, understandably .

 

I think I understand what you're feeling . Yes, you had the A but DKT never really 'lost' you to the xOM because you still love him . In your mind, this other ex is a threat because you feel you might have 'lost' DKT to her .

 

It's v courageous of you to come here and post and take all this flak . I think you and DKt are doing great . Some bumps and challenges are expected . And there's also stuff that only you and DK know . Posters here go by what is being shared which is obviously never the complete picture .

 

I think time and more open communication about your fears and expectations will help . Kudos to both of you . Best

 

I wasn't going to post on this thread. I was upset at him for starting it, and told him so. Then I understood that this is where he opens up about this stuff and posting is better the holding it in, because he won't talk to people about it. I have my sister, while she doesn't agree, she is my sister.

 

Since I started posting here, I've made it known that this woman worries me. Some of it is unreasonable, I know. For example, he ended their relationship, does that mean she will keep coming? They remained in contact for a long time after it ended. Even while we were involved in a "casual sex" relationship. Yes, I know I shouldn't have had expectations in what was really a FWB relationship with DKT, but I did.

[A.Moscote]

Generally it's true of what you've said DKT, that period is none of her business, and as Hopeshimmers said, that you owe her nothing. However you are building for the future here, a worthy life partnership. So be a bit patient and understanding, and just provide all the answers, again, and again. Yeah, it can be annoying but she will understand it and get over it someday.

 

Honestly though, seeing it from LDKT's point of view, based on what she herself posted here, and BrokenPrincess post as well, make the whole situation kind of understandable. It is a big bite into her mind, and maybe her confidence too. Just appreciate that at least she's expressing it rather than holding it in. Don't forget how devastating miscommunication can be.

 

P.s. to lovinDKT, maybe you could be more assertive regarding this issue, make him clear on the motives thoroughly first before questioning further. Of course I don't know the exact situation, sorry if you really have been doing that. Good luck to both of you.

[bigman1]

lovin, with all due respect to how far you've come, your position seems like cake eating. You acknowledge that your affair played a role, but still... You seem as though you expected him to pine away for you, grieve and remain alone while you had an affair and nuked the marriage. You still suggest that his being away justified, in some way, your affair. That is wayward thinking.

 

I don't doubt your feelings, but your feelings were real when you felt like cheating. my point is that real feelings vs legit feelings are different. All feelings are real but not all are legit. Real feelings led to your affair, but legit feelings led you to work to get back together.

 

Your present thoughts are a bit worrisome. They seem self centered and cast blame where none is due. Sure he moved on and fast. Why not? That was not retaliation, it was evolution. Even though you never left him for the other man, that is not remotely similar to his situation. Fix yourself on this., If he concedes on this, you both lose. Your wayward behavior will have won out and the beast will be back. Wayward behavior is at its core self centered, entitled, and full of justifications

[jwi71]

I honestly feel like he is downplaying the whole relationship. I won't go into what he told me vs what I want to know. Maybe its not really wanting to know as much as it is wanting to know its over.

 

What specifically, in this "wanting to know its over", frightens you?

Are you afraid DKT will, at some point, change his mind and return to her?

Or are you afraid that he wants you both - and BS becomes WS?

What, specifically about this previous R, this woman, frightens you?

Where does the insecurity come from?

 

And the answer, well, you already have it. Somewhere, in you, lives that fear. Your job, DKT's job too, is to find it. And kill it. This is less an adventure into "the details" of this woman or this R - and more an exploration of you.

 

The only solution to this lovin' is in you. DKT cannot give it to you. There is no answer, no detail sufficient EXTERNALLY. It comes from within. Look there. Not in the past.

 

Speaking of "details" - THEY. DO. NOT. MATTER. That simple. You are SO focused on the minutiae of pillow talk or whatever - you have, somehow, missed the huge 2000lb neon pink elephant in the room. Seriously, get your eyes checked.

 

Lovin' - what you missed is...where is DKT? Is he with her? Or you? Yes, its that simple. But oh so complex. Lets dig just a bit deeper. How must he WANT to be with you - to choose you - given the past? Could he NOT start anew? Sure. But did he? Now, I know you understand this. In your head. Yet, somehow...something in you (I'm picking up a theme here) disregards it. This fear. This insecurity. Its your demon to face - no one can face it for you.

 

With this woman, there was love and a deep connection and that scares me, even now. You don't just fall out of love. Maybe I feel there is still an emotional connection.

 

So what you are saying is DKT truly deeply madly loves this woman, yet, for reasons left unsaid (and please do share) he decided to forsake her and return to his xW who betrayed and abused him in the worst possible way.

 

Really?

 

Quick, Lovin', run for the f_cking hills - he's crazy to turn for that true mad and deep love for the xW who betrayed him. Sounds like something Stephen King would write.

 

Or...maybe the truth is much simpler. Maybe he loves YOU.

 

Hint: ask him.

Double Hint: He is where HE wants to be. Believe it.

 

This is for YOU to stare down. IC will help. So can DKT.

 

DKT - you pigheaded lump of granite. Tell. Just start talking. She won't like it. She will HATE it. But that ISN'T the point - she isn't likely to BELIEVE it anyway (this is not the rational her in control). The point of telling is to remove her crutch - the cane upon which she leans to NOT dig deep in herself. Lets take that from her. Lets give that little voice in her head NOTHING to speak of - no more excuse of..."what is he hiding"...and she gets lost in THAT and doesn't explore herself. Take away all of the options and excuses so that only one path remains - herself.

 

No more lies. No more secrets. I urge you DKT to do this. Consider it a gift - why? Because you love her.

 

Lovin' - you have permission to use pig headed lump of granite.

 

Good luck - I like your chances.

[beach]

I wasn't going to post on this thread. I was upset at him for starting it, and told him so. Then I understood that this is where he opens up about this stuff and posting is better the holding it in, because he won't talk to people about it. I have my sister, while she doesn't agree, she is my sister.

 

Since I started posting here, I've made it known that this woman worries me. Some of it is unreasonable, I know. For example, he ended their relationship, does that mean she will keep coming? They remained in contact for a long time after it ended. Even while we were involved in a "casual sex" relationship. Yes, I know I shouldn't have had expectations in what was really a FWB relationship with DKT, but I did.

 

DK has the ability to tell her blatantly not to contact him further.

 

Is there any reason to keep communicating with her?

 

I can't see good reason to - knowing that this particular gal bothers Lovin.

[lovinDKT3]

What specifically, in this "wanting to know its over", frightens you?

Are you afraid DKT will, at some point, change his mind and return to her?

Or are you afraid that he wants you both - and BS becomes WS?

What, specifically about this previous R, this woman, frightens you?

Where does the insecurity come from?

 

And the answer, well, you already have it. Somewhere, in you, lives that fear. Your job, DKT's job too, is to find it. And kill it. This is less an adventure into "the details" of this woman or this R - and more an exploration of you.

 

The only solution to this lovin' is in you. DKT cannot give it to you. There is no answer, no detail sufficient EXTERNALLY. It comes from within. Look there. Not in the past.

 

Speaking of "details" - THEY. DO. NOT. MATTER. That simple. You are SO focused on the minutiae of pillow talk or whatever - you have, somehow, missed the huge 2000lb neon pink elephant in the room. Seriously, get your eyes checked.

 

Lovin' - what you missed is...where is DKT? Is he with her? Or you? Yes, its that simple. But oh so complex. Lets dig just a bit deeper. How must he WANT to be with you - to choose you - given the past? Could he NOT start anew? Sure. But did he? Now, I know you understand this. In your head. Yet, somehow...something in you (I'm picking up a theme here) disregards it. This fear. This insecurity. Its your demon to face - no one can face it for you.

 

 

 

So what you are saying is DKT truly deeply madly loves this woman, yet, for reasons left unsaid (and please do share) he decided to forsake her and return to his xW who betrayed and abused him in the worst possible way.

 

Really?

 

Quick, Lovin', run for the f_cking hills - he's crazy to turn for that true mad and deep love for the xW who betrayed him. Sounds like something Stephen King would write.

 

Or...maybe the truth is much simpler. Maybe he loves YOU.

 

Hint: ask him.

Double Hint: He is where HE wants to be. Believe it.

 

This is for YOU to stare down. IC will help. So can DKT.

 

DKT - you pigheaded lump of granite. Tell. Just start talking. She won't like it. She will HATE it. But that ISN'T the point - she isn't likely to BELIEVE it anyway (this is not the rational her in control). The point of telling is to remove her crutch - the cane upon which she leans to NOT dig deep in herself. Lets take that from her. Lets give that little voice in her head NOTHING to speak of - no more excuse of..."what is he hiding"...and she gets lost in THAT and doesn't explore herself. Take away all of the options and excuses so that only one path remains - herself.

 

No more lies. No more secrets. I urge you DKT to do this. Consider it a gift - why? Because you love her.

 

Lovin' - you have permission to use pig headed lump of granite.

 

Good luck - I like your chances.

 

The painful truth is yes, yes I do feel that if I'm not perfect he would leave me again, and yes I think she would be a viable option.

 

But to be clear, I never said or do I feel he "OWES" me the information. I'm put off by his unwillingness to share it. Its almost like he has this special part of his life and he wants to hang on to it.

 

Now I'm not comparing him to a WS or what I did to what he is doing, but much of the appeal of an affair is having that side apart from your spouse. Even with that relationship being over, he has that mental escape to the time he spent with her.

 

So no he doesn't owe me anything from that period, but shouldn't he want to share it? I wanted him to know everything about my affair, my therapist urged me to get it all out. Doing so put everything on the table that I shared with the OM and in my mind took away what was special about the affair.

 

DKT still needs to hear all of the things I need to tell him, these things need to be dealt with. I have respected his desire to not know more, while I don't agree. The two relationships are not the same, mine was a betrayal, his relationship wasn't. Yet the same result, we were both hurt. Mine killed our marriage, his I feel is a threat to our future. Is my way of thinking "wayward"? I don't think so, unreasonable? Maybe.

 

Please keep in mind, our R is only 6 months in. We are both dealing with new emotions to old issues. We will make it.

[gettingstronger]

We have lots of parallels in our stories- my husband travels extensively for business and it does have its own culture so to speak-one that makes it difficult to maintain a healthy marriage-

 

Our OW is what they refer to as a "roadie"- its too common in the business travel world- usually people with access to free/cheap flights that meet (usually) MM on the road for an A-

His traveling still makes it hard on me- I do have some trust issues simply because the situation is the same as when he cheated-

 

He feels like you do-that he is less desirable as a spouse because he cheated-it makes him uneasy to leave me for days and travel-

 

It just puts a whole different spin on reconciliation and its one of the reasons I agree with lovin'- nothing should be out of bounds to talk about- communication is so important-making each other feel secure- calming their fears (founded and unfounded) is key-

 

Best of luck-

[JS84]

I think you guys will be fine. This sounds like a bump in the road at worst. But even if he gave you all the details you wanted I doubt it would alleviate your anxiety regarding that relationship.

[Buckeye2]

Condo-I got after the divorce value is up 30% because its in an up and coming area. I wanted to keep it. She felt it was a fall back, a place to run if it got tough between us. Its now on the market.

 

Yes I created the drama with my affair, it doesn't make it hurt less that I had to watch him fall in love with her, and to know that she is open and willing to accept him back in a heartbeat.

 

The 25 year old OW is the ultimate condo. (I’m not sure OW is the correct term in this case).

 

The thing is I don't ask about her A. I know an overview, how many times, places, duration of the A. Its more then enough. Lovin knows all those things about my past relationship.

 

So no he doesn't owe me anything from that period, but shouldn't he want to share it? I wanted him to know everything about my affair, my therapist urged me to get it all out. Doing so put everything on the table that I shared with the OM and in my mind took away what was special about the affair.

 

DKT still needs to hear all of the things I need to tell him, these things need to be dealt with. I have respected his desire to not know more, while I don't agree.

 

DKY3 and Lovin require two different levels of reassurance.

 

Lovin would like to fully tell DKT3 something good, that she didn’t love the OM. She would also like to make a trade of the information. She wants to tell him how much she did not love the OM and hopes to hear the equivalent from DKT3.

 

DKT3 doesn’t want to make the trade and is the injured party. He has already made consessions:

 

Career-took a 25% pay cut because she didn't like the hours

 

Friends-I had a couple friends who she says she was never comfortable with me hanging around, gone.

 

Condo-I got after the divorce value is up 30% because its in an up and coming area. I wanted to keep it. She felt it was a fall back, a place to run if it got tough between us. Its now on the market.

 

Motorcycle-gone

 

There are some other things, I willingly gave up because she is more important. The only two things that I stood my ground on was the rings, which was only resolved when I agreed to get her new ones, and this.

 

Should DKT3 give in on this too?

 

Lovin should take comfort in the fact that he chose her over the 25 year old even after she cheated on him. His love overcame a large handicap and Lovin won.

Edited July 11, 2014 by Buckeye2

[anna121]

I honestly feel like he is downplaying the whole relationship. I won't go into what he told me vs what I want to know. Maybe its not really wanting to know as much as it is wanting to know its over.

 

I know it doesn't make it any better, but I never had a deep emotional connection with the OM. I will admit that during my affair I thought that not being with DKT wouldn't be so bad, but it was never because of a lack of love. I just didn't feel like he was doing the things that he should have been doing. He wasn't holding up his end of the marriage and I had reached my limit. With this woman, there was love and a deep connection and that scares me, even now. You don't just fall out of love. Maybe I feel there is still an emotional connection.

 

And if he did feel deep feelings for her? What then? Do you think that means he is in the wrong somehow?

 

If the rel-ship ended amicably, then there may well be a latent connection. With nice, emotionally balanced people that is often the case.

 

What do you want him to do about it?

 

I don't think there is anything he can honestly tell you that would make you feel better about this particular woman. He does not seem to have a negative impression about her. That is entirely his right. You are entitled to feel whatever you wish about it. But others are entitled to draw conclusions about your emotional wherewithal and maturity.

 

FTR. Using your lack of connection to the OM is pretty lame. It does not provide the slightest comparison.

[joanofark]

Being that there is a pregnancy due to casual sex between ex spouses, is that fact changing the rules of this game?

[Buckeye2]

Using your lack of connection to the OM is pretty lame. It does not provide the slightest comparison.

 

Speaking for myself, my wife seeing someone as a fu@k buddy would upset me more than if she saw someone because she cared about him. I could see how a lack of emotional attention might provide an opening for an understanding friend to become more. I could handle that better than the OM just being a piece of meat.

[Owl]

I'm just of the opinion here that DKT3 can be "in the right", stand his ground, and refuse to do anything further to allay Lovin's concerns and questions...

 

...or he can do what's smart and work to build a marriage on open communication and honesty.

 

Telling Lovin what she wants/needs to know doesn't COST him anything...unless there's something there that he doesn't want her to know, that he thinks might hinder her choice to reconcile with him. But it GAINS an even platform, even communication, and should help to resolve her fears and concerns.

 

Right, wrong, deserves, doesn't deserve...all really unimportant.

 

If he wants to keep her in the dark...knowing that it bothers her and is eating at her faith/trust in the relationship...why? What does that gain him?

 

Some folks have compared that to "giving in" to her.

 

Again...that's bullstuff. This has nothing to do with her affair...it has everything to do with what their relationship going forward is going to be like.

[aliveagain]

DKT3, there is no excuse good enough that your wife could give that can justify having an affair, period. Divorcing her because of infidelity is more than justified, having ONS after serving her with divorce, marginal, you could have waited until after the final decree. If she was still in her affair when you had your ONS, well, does it really matter, the marriage was in the process of permanent dissolution(documents filed with the Court, she was served, you moved out, she had a boyfriend).

 

Wanting to know details about your relationship with the woman she warned you about isn't about what you did after your divorce, it's about your commitment to her now. Keeping information(secrets) from her is her way of judging your commitment, people that are 100% committed do not keep anything from their spouse, nothing. My suggestion to you is tell her anything she wants to know if you want your new relationship to work. By withholding this information you are in a indirect way telling her you are choosing the the other woman over her. You need to decide what is more important to you, your privacy or your relationship, this is the wrong point to bet the future of your family on. Just my opinion.

[Buckeye2]

I'm just of the opinion here that DKT3 can be "in the right", stand his ground, and refuse to do anything further to allay Lovin's concerns and questions...

 

...or he can do what's smart and work to build a marriage on open communication and honesty.

 

Telling Lovin what she wants/needs to know doesn't COST him anything...unless there's something there that he doesn't want her to know, that he thinks might hinder her choice to reconcile with him. But it GAINS an even platform, even communication, and should help to resolve her fears and concerns.

 

Right, wrong, deserves, doesn't deserve...all really unimportant.

 

If he wants to keep her in the dark...knowing that it bothers her and is eating at her faith/trust in the relationship...why? What does that gain him?

 

Some folks have compared that to "giving in" to her.

 

Again...that's bullstuff. This has nothing to do with her affair...it has everything to do with what their relationship going forward is going to be like.

 

I understand your point and it’s very good advice for DKT3. But let’s not redefine terms just because we want to. I would say that it would be smart and wise for DKT3 to give in for the sake of their relationship.

 

Give in

 

1. To hand in; submit

2. To cease opposition; yield.

 

"Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence."

 

John Adams, 2nd President of the United States 'Argument in Defense of the Soldiers in the Boston Massacre Trials,' December 1770

Edited July 11, 2014 by Buckeye2

[Owl]

I understand your point and it’s very good advice for DKT3. But let’s not redefine terms just because we want to.

 

Give in

 

1. To hand in; submit

2. To cease opposition; yield.

 

"Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence."

 

John Adams, 2nd President of the United States 'Argument in Defense of the Soldiers in the Boston Massacre Trials,' December 1770

 

OK...so what's 'wrong' with DKT "giving in" by your definition above?

 

Let's face it...you quoted a dictionary definition, ignoring the negative connotations what were intentionally implied when the term was used previously.

 

And frankly..."giving in" can also be considered "compromise" when you're talking about this kind of stuff...which instead has a POSITIVE connotation to it in context of a relationship/marriage.

 

Why not say "compromise" rather than "giving in"?

[beach]

I'm just of the opinion here that DKT3 can be "in the right", stand his ground, and refuse to do anything further to allay Lovin's concerns and questions...

 

...or he can do what's smart and work to build a marriage on open communication and honesty.

 

Telling Lovin what she wants/needs to know doesn't COST him anything...unless there's something there that he doesn't want her to know, that he thinks might hinder her choice to reconcile with him. But it GAINS an even platform, even communication, and should help to resolve her fears and concerns.

 

Right, wrong, deserves, doesn't deserve...all really unimportant.

 

If he wants to keep her in the dark...knowing that it bothers her and is eating at her faith/trust in the relationship...why? What does that gain him?

 

Some folks have compared that to "giving in" to her.

 

 

Again...that's bullstuff. This has nothing to do with her affair...it has everything to do with what their relationship going forward is going to be like.

 

Keeping info from Lovin at this point has an affect on the R - a negative one that stunts growth for both parties.

 

What could be so bad that it keeps DK determined not to tell?

 

Or is it just a power play? I'm not telling mainly because she wants to know...?

 

 

DK - do you think you gain power by not telling?

[Buckeye2]

Why not say "compromise" rather than "giving in"?

 

OK, it would be more diplomatic to say “compromise” instead of “giving in.” That doesn’t make the accurate term “bullstuff.”

[Owl]

Keeping info from Lovin at this point has an affect on the R - a negative one that stunts growth for both parties.

 

What could be so bad that it keeps DK determined not to tell?

 

Or is it just a power play? I'm not telling mainly because she wants to know...?

 

 

DK - do you think you gain power by not telling?

 

If it's so bad that it causes him not to want to tell...it becomes more obvious that it's information that she SHOULD know to make her own decisions about reconciliation.

 

I've wondered too about the 'power play' question.

[DKT3]

Keeping info from Lovin at this point has an affect on the R - a negative one that stunts growth for both parties.

 

What could be so bad that it keeps DK determined not to tell?

 

Or is it just a power play? I'm not telling mainly because she wants to know...?

 

 

DK - do you think you gain power by not telling?

 

Not at all. Listen, I know this woman, having this informations isn't going to help her. She will be hurt by what she hears. Do I think its something that she would end the relationship for? Nope. Will it take away her fears that I will go running to this woman? Nope.

 

I get the whole open and honest thing. I have always been honest with Lovin. It would have been simply to shot an email or text back to work girl telling her that I'm back with Lovin that means NC, and then never mentioned it. That's not who I am, never has been.

 

With that being said, her blood pressure was high this morning when she went in for a check up so, I'm guessing I will answer her questions. Hers and the babies health are far more important then this spat.

[drifter777]

lovin' - what has he told you? What do you still want to know?

 

I honestly feel like he is downplaying the whole relationship. I won't go into what he told me vs what I want to know. Maybe its not really wanting to know as much as it is wanting to know its over.

 

Nice clear answer. I think it's up to both of you to resolve this. But his reassurance will never help if you aren't open to what he is telling you. If your insecurity is such that you can't accept that what he is saying is really true then counseling is in order. You need help re-establishing trust in your relationship.

I know it doesn't make it any better, but I never had a deep emotional connection with the OM. I will admit that during my affair I thought that not being with DKT wouldn't be so bad, but it was never because of a lack of love. I just didn't feel like he was doing the things that he should have been doing. He wasn't holding up his end of the marriage and I had reached my limit. With this woman, there was love and a deep connection and that scares me, even now. You don't just fall out of love. Maybe I feel there is still an emotional connection.

I understand that this is how women see things, but it is not usually a significant component to a BH. The betrayal of sexual fidelity is usually the most crushing element of the WW's cheating. The images in his mind are not of your deep emotional connection - its the deep sexual penetration that tortures him. It doesn't matter if you don't agree with this point of view - maybe you can't because you are female. But believe what I'm telling you and NEVER say this out loud (or post) to DKT again.

 

...

I think I understand what you're feeling . Yes, you had the A but DKT never really 'lost' you to the xOM because you still love him . In your mind, this other ex is a threat because you feel you might have 'lost' DKT to her.

Clearly you are female and don't cannot empathize with what a BH feels when his wife cheats. From your perspective, your statement is simply the way it is; why can't DKT just see the obvious? To a BH this is irrelevent and if WW says it to you it confirms in his mind that she simply doesn't get it. The words our shattered mind hears are "come on, it was just sex. It wasn't THAT big of a thing because I didn't love him". To us this is utterly ignorant and insensitive. It doesn't matter what WW thinks or how she see things; it only matter how BH sees it.

Edited July 11, 2014 by drifter777