BS role or part in the affair

[William]

Folks, it appears that a number of quotes got munged up in a few members posts and that cascaded downthread as more and more postings were quoted. If possible, as such matters are very time-consuming for moderation to unwind, please give the benefit of the doubt in such matters and strive to discern authentic content from that due to misquoting. Thanks and please continue!

[ThatMan]

is the above REALLY what you think people are saying?

I know for of a fact that some people hold that perspective. But only the occasional troubled individual spills out that drivel as their point of view. More likely than not, you'll find somebody who isn't too far off that mark, just not in an extreme hyperbolic sense.

[Zenstudent]

is the above REALLY what you think people are saying?

Yes, it's what at least some people are saying. I'm just following the logic, extending it to my options in the aftermath of an affair, in order to relate and understand. I'm a logical thinker by nature (strength and weakness), and I just normally consider culpability a very simple concept.

 

Or does the transfer of responsibility, in your opinion, only apply to the one having the first affair? In case it does, why?

[WasOtherWoman]

Yes, it's what at least some people are saying. I'm just following the logic, extending it to my options in the aftermath of an affair, in order to relate and understand. I'm a logical thinker by nature (strength and weakness), and I just normally consider culpability a very simple concept.

 

Or does the transfer of responsibility, in your opinion, only apply to the one having the first affair? In case it does, why?

 

I am paid to be logical.... it part of the nature of my job. I totally agree that it can be both a strength and a weakness.

 

I can assure you, however, that I firmly believe that people are completely, 100% responsible for their own actions, regardless of what led up to them.

 

I just don't happen to think that what led up to them should never be examined and appropriate action taken.

 

To answer your last question though... there is never a transfer of responsibility. The person who had the affair is responsible for their actions.. no "buts". If someone neglected their marriage (in my case, me), that is my responsibility.

 

Does that answer your question?

[HermioneG]

I'm having deja vu

 

The bottom line according to this thread title is this:

 

The BS plays no part in the WS's choice to cheat. It is not a joint decision, and it is not one that any circumstance "forced" the WS to make. A WS chooses to cheat. Yes, maybe they have legitimate reason to be unhappy or lonely, depending on the situation, but they CHOOSE to cope with that by cheating.

 

If John robs a convenience store at gunpoint, there may be all sorts of things at play: lost job, medical expenses, new baby. All these are problem with which we can sympathize. However, John CHOSE to rob that store, and he can't "blame" his circumstances. HE made that choice, he will be charged, and he will go to jail. Period. He had other options, from elling things off to trying to get another job, to filing for assistance to asking churches....a whole assortment of things. He CHOSE the illegal one.

 

That truth, like I said, stands on its own. We do not have to insist that "the WS is always the one who caused the marriage problems" or "the WS is always rewriting history" or "the WS is just flawed and the BS had no issues" in order to believe the TRUTH that having an A is a choice that rests on the chooser.

 

Refined sugar in excess is unhealthy because it is fattening, it raises blood sugar, it turns more quickly to fat, it is addictive. We don't have to add things like "you'll probably get cancer" or "someone might have dropped cyanide in it" to make our case.

 

That's what it feels like hen people are either too stubborn or too afraid to acknowledge possible marital issues that are NOT the fault of the WS. They are two separate issues. One should not be seen as a "threat" to the validity of the other.

 

There are situations when it is NEITHER of these things.

 

I wish you would take a step back and understand that many, many betrayed spouses turn the world upside down looking for the reason why, and would gladly like it to be something they did. I wanted it to be.

 

Because things we do- we can change. We can have power over.

 

It is scary and painful when you realize that for the vast majority of situations, it is not related to what you did or did not do in the marriage.

 

Jane- I am very sorry you were hurt in your marriage. I am very sorry that you feel unheard or like people are avoiding looking at themselves. I promise you- most betrayed spouses want it to be something they have control over, and when they realize it is not, it's vey hard to take.

 

Something to think about the next time you say what you said above.

[WasOtherWoman]

No one says that a BS can't not have issues when it comes to a relationship, this is not the question here, the question here is if the BS holds a part of responsibility for the affair of their WS... easy and quick answer ... NO.

 

Completely agree.

[Steadfast]

With time comes better clarity. In no way do I hold myself responsible for him cheating. However, I now understand that there very possibly may be consequences for my actions that I do not like. It does not make the fact that he chose to have an affair any less wrong.

 

A simple point, but one that we must be reminded of from time to time.

 

My deal has been over for awhile. The more time that passes, the harder it is to call up the burden of the terrible experience I endured as a result of her actions. My love was real (in all ways) and I was committed to my promise. Her motivating force was feelings. Knowing this my heart has softened; not towards her, but me. Having no choice when I let her off the hook (by deciding not to hate her guts for ever and ever) I unhooked myself too. I learned a lot about me and never, ever did the possibility of becoming indifferent about it enter my mind. It's all I have left of 'us' now.

 

There existed a tangible guilt then. For the things I could have done, but didn't. I honestly believe going 'above and beyond' trying to save it was motivated by those feelings. What I didn't know is my ex used this to validate her actions. She cheated, I apologized, then wondered why it only seemed to make things worse. How dumb I was! She went out and got what she wanted, and I added to it by giving her more of the same.

 

I own it and the price was high. I'd rather not let the investment go to waste.

Edited April 24, 2014 by Steadfast

[dreamingoftigers]

A spouse may play a role in being handed divorce papers but not a role in being cheated on.

 

Cheating is a dysfunctional option. There are many "excuses" why a someone chooses to cheat rather than attempt to fix or leave it.

 

MC with no expertise in infidelity are a dime a dozen.

 

Imagine if a couple showed up in MC due to gambling, addiction, physical abuse, and the MC asked what was your role and blame in causing your spouse to beat you, or gamble or become an addict.

 

If betrayed spouses were that all "powerful" over the actions and choices of their WS, why waste all that power on being betrayed instead of being respected and loved.

 

Hi Furious,

 

In recent history I was reminded of how my husband would call me "controlling" etc. and "having all of the power in our marriage" during the height of his addiction.

 

My Bishop, who has known us for many years and has been a great asset to our family before accepting that office earlier this year talked to me about that and jokingly said "if you were all-powerful and in control, then how come he never did what you would want?"

[goodyblue]

#

 

Goody, can't you see that most marriages that falter or even fail do so not because one or even both parties are deliberately choosing to hurt or neglect each other. They fail because life gets in the way. No-one, other than a total sociopath, marries another person with the expectation of being miserable or making them miserable. It just happens. And you can both look at the situation and say 'OK, this isn't good, we must do something about it' and you do, you make more effort, then something else more immediately pressing comes along (children or work related) and the marriage gets relegated to second place... again.

 

And because it's a marriage (for better or worse, as long as you both shall live) you convince yourself that there will be time.... later, when X is over with, when Y isnt taking up so much time. And it isn't because you don't care, you do, both of you, but there isn't enough time and energy, and sometimes one of you has the time or the energy and the other doesn't. And you start to get resentful of each other because of all this and after a while the will to fix things ebbs away.

 

And its all very well to say 'I would never neglect my marriage like that'. Don't you think everyone thinks that to start with? I can honestly tell you when things got really bad with us. When our third child was born.

 

So, look at it this way. There are two people who are both, in different ways, neglecting their primary relationship. And I can assure you that both of them are. Eventually one of them takes the opportunity to salve their wounds with an affair. Only one of them does this. The other remains faithful, attempting to keep the relationship ticking along, and finding it even harder than before (they don't yet know why). Then they find out why. Can you imagine how much it hurts? They have been feeling pretty damned mserable and unvalidated, and taken for granted, but they didn't choose to cheat. It hurts so much. The rejection and the sense of worthlessness, and the big bloody slap in the face for being the stupid one who carried on trying!

 

The things is my H never blamed me. There was a foggy 24 hr period before he confessed completely, when he made vague statements about things not having been good since DS2 was born, and not knowing what he wanted and whether he wanted to stay. But that disappeared like frost in the sun when the reality of what he was saying hit him. He was full of remorse, horrified at his behaviour, did everything I needed him to do. He didnt once say it was my fault, in fact he gets upset with me when I try to take the blame for his affair. He knows that both of us made our bed, but of the two of us, he was the one who was the most neglectful and selfish. He wanted to ease my pain, he wanted to heal me. But even so it has taken me nearly 2 years to feel OK.

 

So, this is the nub " I just look here and realize, NO BS accepts her responsibility in her part of her WS having one". That should be the case. I refuse to acccept that anything I did caused my H to have an affair. There is nothing anyone can do to cause a partner to have an affair. If there was I guess I should have been having one too.

 

I am guessing that with your chap, the affair was simply an exit from a one-sided marriage which had made him unhappy for years. And good for him. I can see how much you love him and how much it hurts to see him criticised. But you see he isn't being criticised. When people on here complain about THEIR WS, and even about other WS, they aren't talking about your man, they aren't talking about your situation. Not all affairs are the same, not every man who cheats is being neglected at home, and yes, not all BS are long-suffering perfect saintly women.

 

Please. Reread this and look at where you could have changed things. Where your spouse could have also. I appreciate that your posts are so kind. Truly. But you must see why this is a problem.