I am perplexed

[Zahara]

it is hard for me to see my worth right now. i will try to move forward. i don't like how some of you think that he won't ask to see me again.

 

You don't like it because the reality of that possibility is painful to you, and when you are in denial it's hard to hear those words.

 

If you can't see your worth while in this situation, then you have to understand that it is in your best interest to stay away from this man. If it's affecting you negatively, then it isn't good for you. Positive and promising situations don't leave you feeling this way. This is telling you something.

 

We're not saying he won't ask to see you again. He may ask to see you again but not for the reasons you hope for. I'm not sure if you are naive or in deep denial but when you are looking from the outside, unemotional and unaffected, it doesn't bode well when a man behaves this way.

[Zahara]

if I do NC is there any chance?

 

1) You don't have a choice but to do NC because he is ignoring you.

 

2) When someone ignores you, you do NC to heal and move on.

 

3) NC is not a tool to get someone back. NC is used to move on, heal and find emotional strength and clarity and you have no choice but to do that since he in not in interested in moving forward with a relationship.

[girlygirl8]

not for the reasons i hope for? how do you know that?

[Zahara]

not for the reasons i hope for? how do you know that?

 

OP, I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. There is no effort to reflect on the advice, no effort to find perspective and there is an deep sense of delusion and denial that is becoming very difficult for anyone to help you break away from.

 

It's evident that you cannot step out of your emotions and think with some maturity and rationale. It's tiring to keep seeing you say, "How do you know that" everytime someone tells you the opposite of what you want to hear. It's futile.

 

You're 29. You write and act like a teenager. You're a doctor. You're accomplished in your career but emotionally, you have a lot of growing up to do.

 

I can't contribute to your posts anymore as I feel like I am going around in circles and it's just useless when someone has their head buried in the sand.

 

Good luck to you.

[girlygirl8]

Well you keep assuming he won't ask me to hang out and if he does that it won't be for the reasons I hope for. No one knows that. Only he does and only time will tell.

[Zahara]

Well you keep assuming he won't ask me to hang out and if he does that it won't be for the reasons I hope for. No one knows that. Only he does and only time will tell.

 

Again, as unrelenting as you were in how you handled yourself with him, it's evident in your posts as well. It's tiresome.

 

Try to absorb the advice give, try to tap into your rationale and go from there. It's futile to keep going on with you.

[Gaeta]

 

 

I'm a doc too

 

 

 

YOU are a DOCTOR??? and you are this emotionally immature?? How can you be SO smart and not understand basic principals like 'you cannot change people' ? - and a heartbreak is just a chemical imbalance in the brain and it goes away after given enough time??

 

How can you hold a Doctorate and not feel confident?? You talk like you are new to the world, like you're 15 years old, haven't you study sociology, psychology, philosophy to get that doctorate? Aren't you suppose to understand better than all of us put together how the world goes around?

[girlygirl8]

I am absorbing the advice given but I'm also not ruling out possibilities and not always thinking the worst. And I have studied all those subjects and you get no where in life if you are closed minded and always negative. And people do change their minds. Not everyone is closed minded and negative. People can change if they want. For some it takes time. I am moving on but I am telling you there is a possibility he can change. Even doctors can be unconfident if they had a bad past. And yes I am a doctor.

Edited April 15, 2014 by girlygirl8

[Zahara]

I am absorbing the advice given but I'm also not ruling out possibilities and always thinking the worst.

 

No one is thinking the worst. People are being emotionally smart in their advice to you because trust me OP, you're not the first one to come across a man like this, you're not the first to have a broken heart, you're not the first be with an emotionally unavailable man, you're not the first to be dangled on a string -- you're not the first.

 

So when people are advising you based on experience and coming from a place of clarity and indifference, which you do not have and are seeing things from rose colored glasses, understand why we're saying the things we are saying. It's not because we're being negative or thinking the worst but because the view is pretty clear looking from the outside.

[GemmaUK]

Sorry to say but you don't appear to be taking in some of the basics.

 

You say you have been dating 6 months but were never official.

If he wanted to make you official he would have by now.

 

He doesn't ask you out.

He called you crazy.

He defriended you on FB and hasn't added you back as he says you rely on it too much.

To be really honest I think he perhaps knew that his colleague was your neighbour and quite possibly just asked him to back him up on a story that he was away.

He is ignoring you now too. Your words 'Every day this week I've been trying to get in touch with him and he ignores me so I've given up.'

 

In amongst all of this he has been in touch..but out of each text conversation how many times did he initiate contact with you? Or was he just replying to you?

[girlygirl8]

I understand all this but all Im saying is anything is possible. I was the one who defriended him and to be quite honest my neighbor was out of town too they work for the same company and were working on a massive project. And he was the one doing the initiating until I said I'm moving on and he apologized for calling me crazy

Edited April 15, 2014 by girlygirl8

[GemmaUK]

So basically then you are pretty much OK with him ignoring you, that he said you were crazy is OK because he apologised.

Also it's OK pretty much for you not to actually see each other ever any more and you're sounding pretty certain that he is interested despite several people here advising you that he really does sound like he isn't and that for yourself you would be better off forgetting about him.

You also told him you were moving on and since then he hasn't tried to contact you at all.

 

You didn't like when people suggested he didn't appear to be interested as you said they were being negative so I guess all you can do is sit and wait and see if he gets in touch.

[Gaeta]

I understand all this but all Im saying is anything is possible. I was the one who defriended him and to be quite honest my neighbor was out of town too they work for the same company and were working on a massive project. And he was the one doing the initiating until I said I'm moving on and he apologized for calling me crazy

 

So you think he is going to go from Not ready for a relationship, not wanting to see you for 3 months, not making efforts to see you, blocking you on FB, calling you crazy, ignoring you ....

 

to

 

Making a complete turn around, wanting you to be in his life, making you his official girlfriend, block time in his schedule for you, become considerate and respectful....

 

Ok, lets go with that. You go ahead and show us how you're going to do that. I am standing by.

[girlygirl8]

well he went from not talking to me in 9 days to talking to me again so anything is possible. i'm not saying he's interested now i'm saying we can GRADUALLY get back to seeing each other.. i've made a turn around in the past. i've seen others turn around too.

Edited April 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

What type of doctor are you, OP?

[girlygirl8]

eye doc. that has nothing to do with anything. just because lots of girls on here had bad luck with their exes and their exes didn't make a turn around doesn't mean i won't have good luck in the future with this guy. i am still going to date other guys though but i'm not ruling out the possibilty is all i'm saying. and typo 19* days in the past. he didn't talk to me for 19 days but then he talked to me again and was all sweet and said he was sorry. he was just upset that i told him if i meet some guy who wants a relationship while he's on his trip that i'd go with that guy

Edited April 15, 2014 by girlygirl8

[girlygirl8]

I'm taking a break from this. I'm just upset and I'm tired of everyone thinking that there can't be happy endings to life and relationships. It's depressing. There is proof in real life people can change. I will meet other guys. All I'm saying is you can't make statements about the future. No one can. I'm going on with my life and meeting other people.

Edited April 16, 2014 by girlygirl8

[Eternal Sunshine]

OP please wake up and smell the coffee.

 

Your statement of nobody knowing the future makes no sense in this case. It's like me saying that I am going to win the lottery so I am going to quit my job right now. And then when everyone tells me how foolish that is, I would just tell them "you are being too negative. Why can't I win the lottery?"

 

Smh.

[Gaeta]

I'm taking a break from this. I'm just upset and I'm tired of everyone thinking that there can't be happy endings to life and relationships. It's depressing. There is proof in real life people can change. I will meet other guys. All I'm saying is you can't make statements about the future. No one can. I'm going on with my life and meeting other people.

 

Sorry you make no sense.

 

You are stating that people can change.

 

Happy ending exists.

 

But you will be meeting other men.

 

If you were SO sure this is meant to have a happy ending then why meet other men?

[pickflicker]

I'm taking a break from this. I'm just upset and I'm tired of everyone thinking that there can't be happy endings to life and relationships. It's depressing. There is proof in real life people can change. I will meet other guys. All I'm saying is you can't make statements about the future. No one can. I'm going on with my life and meeting other people.

 

OP, we're not saying that these things can't turn around. With the right guy, you can basically make every silly mistake in the book, and they'll forgive you. What we're talking about is that CURRENT solution to your problem - which is, whilst he has many pretty words to say, he is not following them up with actions. When this happens, you just step back. Don't give them crap, don't get dramatic, don't go all "I am woman, hear me roar" - just step back.

 

And if he steps up in the future, you can make a decision then. But stop acting like the advice you've been given doesn't have your best interests at heart.

 

And for the love of all that is holy - no more dramatic texts about how awesome you are and how you don't need him - because by doing that, you're actually saying the opposite.

[pickflicker]

OP please wake up and smell the coffee.

 

Your statement of nobody knowing the future makes no sense in this case. It's like me saying that I am going to win the lottery so I am going to quit my job right now. And then when everyone tells me how foolish that is, I would just tell them "you are being too negative. Why can't I win the lottery?"

 

Smh.

 

I ask myself that question all the time.

[girlygirl8]

I never said I was sure. I just said it was a possibility. A chance of someone winning the lottery is a lot less than two people coming into each other's lives again.

[Leigh 87]

You seem to be "hoping" that this guy will suddenly realise how amazing you are.....

 

 

It has been 6 months. Most guys tend to know by now how they feel about a girl.

 

 

So.... if he is so into you, why is he choosing to live his life separately to you?

 

 

We are not suggesting that you are unworthy and not good enough. Just FOR HIM, he just doesn't have strong enough emotions for you to want to make you HIS girlfriend, to want to share his life with you....

 

 

 

Please stop taking this personally. I am sure this guy is very impressed by you, you are a doctor and I am sure you are cute.

 

 

 

A guy can be impressed by you without having deep emotions attached to you.

 

 

 

This man could meet a very average girl and, if he is truly into her, he WOULD make her his gf after a couple of months.

 

 

 

He WOULDNT act like this after 6 months of knowing a girl, IF he was truly interested in her.

 

 

 

 

We are telling you very simple facts and you choose to " be positive, hope for the best"

 

 

 

We are not trying to say that being negative is key. It is called being realistic.

 

 

 

Being "positive" in this situation, would be to realise YOUR worth, realise there are men who would be SUPER into you by now and WANT to claim you as their gf....

 

 

 

Being positive doesn't mean holding out "hope" that a guy will, after 6 months, suddenly realise how madly in love he is with you.

 

 

 

 

And yes, a guy WILL fall madly in love WELL BEFORE 6 months. He is not going to change the way he feels about you after this point.....

 

 

 

 

 

Be positive by knowing you have a lot to offer and many men would be crazy about you if they had the chance to meet you... to date you.....

 

 

 

 

 

Being positive is not hoping a guy that has ALREADY had the pleasure of meeting you, will realise that he wants to be your boyfriend.

[girlygirl8]

So more like 4 months because of his business trip and then us not talking. Yeah most guys know but some don't right away til it's too late. I've seen it before. This guy has done a 180 on me in a day. I'm not saying it will happen but it has before. I don't want to talk anymore about this.

Edited April 16, 2014 by girlygirl8

[Leigh 87]

I never said I was sure. I just said it was a possibility. A chance of someone winning the lottery is a lot less than two people coming into each other's lives again.

 

 

 

 

Okay. So why him? There are many guys who would meet you, be really into you and then up their effort. IRRESPECTIVE of how much they had "going on", they would make the effort to be with a girl they are truly into....

 

 

Why have ANY hope that a guy will realise this after 6 months? There are so many guys who would realise MUCH SOONER that they wanted to snap you up.

 

 

 

It is normal for men to get jealous. My own ex wanted to punch the new guys heads in initially, he asked me to avoid the local mall where he frequented as he couldn't handle seeing me, a girl that was previously "his", on the arm of another man.

 

 

 

It is a territorial thing.... It does NOT mean they are still super into us and that they will have an epiphany that they HAVE to be with us......

 

 

 

 

 

 

My ex called/texted EVERY day without fail, he got jealous and he was majorly upset about the break up.

My ex even said we would "probably get back together one day"

 

 

 

 

My ex also didn't make me his gf for 6 months; he said he hated "labelling" things. Yeah right. If a girl he was crazy for came about you can bet he WOULD have claimed her as HIS girl, HIS girlfriend, a LOT sooner than the 5 months it took him to consider me HIS girlfriend....

 

 

 

 

 

I know what it is like to wait 6 months for a guy to call you his gf, and to admit to his friends that you are "together".

 

 

 

 

It doesn't change from that stage, they may be craving the companionship and regular sex from a cute girl and they may call you their gf to shut you up.....

 

 

 

 

 

They will NEVER put fourth the same effort as a man who wanted to be your bf from the start, from the first month or two...

 

 

 

 

These type of relationships that start this way, with the guy not fully committing, ALWAYS end terribly....

 

 

 

 

 

In my case, the guy grew very fond of me and was super attached, we lived together after 7 months and we did everything together. He loved me like family, he did care for me and he hated being apart from me.

 

 

 

 

He also ended up cheating on me and never being thrilled at he idea of ME being the last girl he ever slept with. That thought terrified him.

 

 

 

 

He then met a girl after me who he changed for, quit drinking for and is now taking her to Europe for a year. With the right girl, he will snap her up, make her his gf, and do anything to be with her.

 

 

 

 

 

The way a guy views a girl after he first sleeps with her NEVER CHANGES: a guy KNOWS by this stage if she gives him butterflies, if she turns his world upside down just by meeting her.. he KNOWS after their fist sexual encounter if he is falling head over heels for her.................

 

 

A wise poster told me that about men ^^^ that they never change their perception of you from the first time they sleep with you. It is so true....

 

 

 

 

 

If a guy is not putting fourth the effort after 6 months, if he is not making it very clear that you are HIS girlfriend, that he LOVES the idea of having a life with you potentially, then he. Will. Not. Ever. Change. His. Mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My ex liked me a lot. Your guy likes you a lot. They really thought we were special to them. They never, however, had deep seated romantic potential with us, they knew it from the start.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Most men do not have the level of self awareness to think " well I am not super into her in THAT way, but I REALLY like her and she stands out from all the other girls, even if she is not the love of my life"

 

 

 

 

 

Men only know if they really like you and cannot be bothered seeing other people. That is normally enough to drag things out, to keep things going with you.... It NEVER ends with a marriage proposal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you have this mindset, you are in for a world of hurt.... you will wait around for guys, you will take them back when they needed months to even decide if wanted to be with you, and they will ALWAYS end up, months or in my case YEARS later, leaving you.

 

 

 

 

 

You will end up with guys who didn't have the strong emotions needed to want to be your boyfriend, but decided to go there anyway because they really liked you as a person.......

 

 

 

 

 

PLEASE read everything I have just written, I truly know this all to be reality, not just for myself but for hundreds of other women who have come here before you, DON'T make their mistakes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are giving you the knowledge for you to avoid making mistakes most of us have made.

 

 

 

 

 

 

No offence, but if you have been regularly dating you should KNOW this by now..... that a man knows within 6 months how he perceives you and his future with you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is about time you learnt this, too. It is not about being "negative" but your version of positive is delusional; changing a mans mind about you, changing the way he feels about you on a fundamental level...

 

 

 

 

A mans true feelings arise at the start..... it is not being negative accepting this and moving on to a man who DOES get butterflies through meeting you.....