Going to be a single mom

[scorpio1978]

This is true. My aunt didn't pay any child support and she still had visitation rights. However, my cousin's father could easily take it away from her if he said she was mentally unstable (she has bi-polar). While one parent is fully responsible for a child, including financially, the other parent can still have visitation rights.

 

 

If he thinks he is going to go overseas, make all that money and not help out. Lord help that man, because I will draw blood. Service members don't pay taxes while deployed, they get combat pay, and he has no car payment, student loans, or credit cards. He is already talking about buying a brand new truck when he comes back. You had better believe he will be helping! Plus, I am kinda excited for him to meet his baby for the first time, so I won't keep him from seeing him or her. Never would. That's not right.

[scorpio1978]

Or, as I like to call it, "filter" the good from the bad. I filter them for various reasons though. I'm kinda weird

 

 

 

Yeah, filter them! I am weird too, though. I will just have a different filter this time. I used to want the man who had never been married with no kids and caved with this last one who was divorcing. Kids in a man's life will no longer be a deterrent. That would be way too hypocritical.

[writergal]

Scorpio, I think you must be one strong woman. Your child will be lucky to have you as his/her mom! I hope that everything falls into place for you, where you need it to, and that you have an easy birth and both you and baby come out ok.

[scorpio1978]

Scorpio, I think you must be one strong woman. Your child will be lucky to have you as his/her mom! I hope that everything falls into place for you, where you need it to, and that you have an easy birth and both you and baby come out ok.

 

 

 

Thanks! I am a tough cookie. The way I look at it is this: I am a human being and have that soft side as a woman and when things come to matters of the heart, I am a little weak in some ways there. I cannot show this soft side often, so I hide it and turn to here! But being in the medical field, I was in a warzone where I had to patch people up from being shot, blown up, with amputated limbs, etc. If I can do that, I am sure I can raise a baby. Is it the same? Heck no, totally different circumstance, but both require poise and strength but I that's what I am going with right now. It works for me! Thanks for the support. One day, this will all work out. Somehow

[scorpio1978]

Ever since the father of the baby circled back in, I have been super anxious and feeling really uncomfortable with all of this attention from his friends and family, who are coming out of the woodwork, wanting a piece of me and the baby.

 

 

I should feel happy that there is a support system possible for me, but this is just too much. I already have my friends and family if I need anything and ever since he came back around, the father has already painted a picture of how he is going to be an absentee father when he said I should expect his visits to be "far and few between" with the baby. He is all over the place and making me crazy. I feel like he should have just stayed where he was, in the land where the baby didn't exist. I know it's a terrible thought, but I just feel like he shouldn't even bother.

 

 

He has come crashing back in like there is nothing wrong with telling me to have an abortion one minute, trying to be some willing dad the next, with no apology or thought that his actions were terrible. He has vetoed the baby names I like, is trying to tell me where I can put the baby in daycare, wants to name the baby something terrible, wants his last name, doesn't want to be there for the birth though because it would be "too awkward", and is trying to pawn me off on his family while he is deployed so I can have some help. Sorry, but something in my gut just doesn't feel right about this.

 

 

I have people I don't even know sending me messages on Facebook about how they want to help and get to know me and they baby and it just feels too familiar. I had a friend of his the other day tell me that because he is like family to him, my baby and I will be too.

 

 

I am super overwhelmed and feel a cold sweat when he texts or reaches out. The most recent message was him asking me to go to dinner at his aunt's house tomorrow. Alone? With him? Who knows?

 

 

As much as I don't want to cut him out, I don't trust him and I trust his family even less. I deep down, just really wish he would understand how hurt I am about everything and how I just want to be alone for a while. I am not ready to make co-parent choices with someone who treated me so terribly and suggested I abort the baby that I am not even now convinced he actually wants.

 

 

How do I move forward?

[Janesays]

You move forward by recognizing that this isn't about you, your needs, or your comfort level.

 

This is about what is best for your baby. Is it the best thing for your baby to establish a support system and reach out to potential loving family members that would do ANYTHING for you baby in the future? Of course it is. So it's time to suck it up, be a good mom and do what is best for your kid.

 

It's not about you anymore. It will never be all about you ever again in your life.

[scorpio1978]

You move forward by recognizing that this isn't about you, your needs, or your comfort level.

 

This is about what is best for your baby. Is it the best thing for your baby to establish a support system and reach out to potential loving family members that would do ANYTHING for you baby in the future? Of course it is. So it's time to suck it up, be a good mom and do what is best for your kid.

 

It's not about you anymore. It will never be all about you ever again in your life.

 

 

 

See, here is the thing...I know it isn't about me, and I will get over my issues at some point, but I don't think it's fair that he has already admitted he doesn't have any intention of being around that much. I just think my baby deserves more. Step up to the plate and come 100% or don't bother. That's how I feel. Is it reasonable? No. I know. But, I have some serious concerns about how much he really plans on being there and I want so much better for my baby than a dad that pops in and out. I know I have no choice. I just wish things were different. Just venting...

[Janesays]

Yeah. That sucks. But this is the man you picked to be the father of your child. Since you can't go back in time and pick better, it is up to you to squeeze as much positivity out of this situation that you can.

[scorpio1978]

Yeah. That sucks. But this is the man you picked to be the father of your child. Since you can't go back in time and pick better, it is up to you to squeeze as much positivity out of this situation that you can.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am going to start going to church or meditating or something. I need some higher power help to deal with this character. Thank you!

[Iguanna]

Whoa no need to make her feel worse now... First of all I got to tell you that I have you in my mind, I was thinking today to write you a post and ask how you are doing. And I'm a stranger But I am worried how you are doing cause I can see you are an introvert just like me. I'm sure I'll act like you if I ever get pregnant. I don't like to be the center of attention, I need much time being alone and I want to do things my way, however and whenever I want them. That being said it's true that you may not like the father of your baby anymore cause of the things he did to you, but your baby has the need to have a father (even as a figure). You can discuss with him and tell him that his behavior some months ago with him insisting on the abortion hurt you and you have to gain some trust on him. You have the right to do that. I don't like what he is doing, drawing the lines as he wants them and choosing how and how much he'll be involved in the baby's life, but again the baby needs a father. You have the right to show people who are interested to get to know you and help you that you are not very comfortable with them getting all over your face and that you appreciate their offer but you prefer that you tell them if you need anything. People misunderstand introverts so whatever you tell them they will just think that these are excuses and that you just don't like them. Try to be as nice as possible. You can give excuses like you prefer to stay at home cause you don't feel well going out cause of sickness due to the pregnancy. You can say that the doctor suggested you take it easy and he has told you to stay at home. This way they won't get offended. Do not give your phone number but take theirs and assure them you'll call them if you need anything. You have the right to refuse the help, you are not obliged to be someone else than who you are.

 

I'm here for you, take care.

[scorpio1978]

Whoa no need to make her feel worse now... First of all I got to tell you that I have you in my mind, I was thinking today to write you a post and ask how you are doing. And I'm a stranger But I am worried how you are doing cause I can see you are an introvert just like me. I'm sure I'll act like you if I ever get pregnant. I don't like to be the center of attention, I need much time being alone and I want to do things my way, however and whenever I want them. That being said it's true that you may not like the father of your baby anymore cause of the things he did to you, but your baby has the need to have a father (even as a figure). You can discuss with him and tell him that his behavior some months ago with him insisting on the abortion hurt you and you have to gain some trust on him. You have the right to do that. I don't like what he is doing, drawing the lines as he wants them and choosing how and how much he'll be involved in the baby's life, but again the baby needs a father. You have the right to show people who are interested to get to know you and help you that you are not very comfortable with them getting all over your face and that you appreciate their offer but you prefer that you tell them if you need anything. People misunderstand introverts so whatever you tell them they will just think that these are excuses and that you just don't like them. Try to be as nice as possible. You can give excuses like you prefer to stay at home cause you don't feel well going out cause of sickness due to the pregnancy. You can say that the doctor suggested you take it easy and he has told you to stay at home. This way they won't get offended. Do not give your phone number but take theirs and assure them you'll call them if you need anything. You have the right to refuse the help, you are not obliged to be someone else than who you are.

 

I'm here for you, take care.

 

 

Thank you, Iguanna. You're lovely. I am doing fantastic when he isn't texting or his family isn't pushing. I know they mean well, as his aunt and uncle are a very nice, church going family and would be a good influence on the baby, but I asked that he respect my wishes to allow me to have some time to process everything and deal with how things have been with us and where they need to go. It's just time that I need right now and it isn't being respected at all I feel. Granted, he leaves in a few weeks and I will thankfully not have to hear from him much, but I just was brought up a different way than he and his family. Mine are very loud, boisterous and territorial and we stick together. His are very free-spirited and "anything goes" and they will welcome anyone. It's nice, but I can't undo 35 years of thinking here and I am super protective of the baby now where I have to wonder "Who are these people? What do they want? Are they up to something?" My senses just tell me to hold back. My family is very uneasy with his family's intrusiveness as well, which is making my life even more chaotic. They already told me their claws are out and that they will come in packs if he doesn't act right. They are too much also.

 

 

It doesn't help that he told me his aunt can watch the baby for the first few weeks after I go to work. It's like "hang on here. Thanks, but I barely even know her!". So, sure, I need to get to know her at some point, but I just need to do it on my own time.

 

 

I am not a fake person either, so to go to his family's house for dinner like we are some big happy family is very strange to me and very confusing. I cannot just sit there and pretend that everything is ok. I just can't. Again, it comes back to the way I was raised. We have boundaries. If you're not with the person you created the baby with, he/she does not need to be invited to Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner.

 

 

Hmmm...I will have to focus on rewiring myself a little bit because he will never understand where I am coming from. There will never be a meet in the middle with him. I will always have to see it his way to make this situation work.

[Janesays]

Consider this: if I were the Father and felt like you weren't on board with me and the family being a part of this child's life 100%, i'd consider suing you formally for partial custody. And if I were related to this father and wanted a relationship with my grand daughter/ niece / whatever, I would give him the money to sue you for custody. If you won't suck it up, I'd have the courts MAKE you suck it up. And if you think a judge is going to give a rats behind about your 'but he was mean when he first found out that I was pregnant' excuse, you are in for one rude awakening. They care about the child's best interest, period. And this man is soldier for the US...to them, a valuable and worthwhile father.

 

Just trying to give you the heads up on what COULD happen if you insist on having things your way. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to make you understand that you DONT GET 100% of the say anymore. You have to do what is best for that kid. If not willingly, then by force. Now you only get 50% of the say. Father is going to get to make decisions too.

 

This is why I told you in the beginning, if you didn't want to share this kid, you shouldnt ever even told him you were pregnant, let alone asked for child support. He's got rights to this baby. Physical, emotional, and LEGAL rights. And it looks like now he wants to take advantage of them. So I'd learn to compromise now before you end up in court.

[scorpio1978]

Consider this: if I were the Father and felt like you weren't on board with me and the family being a part of this child's life 100%, i'd consider suing you formally for partial custody. And if I were related to this father and wanted a relationship with my grand daughter/ niece / whatever, I would give him the money to sue you for custody. If you won't suck it up, I'd have the courts MAKE you suck it up. And if you think a judge is going to give a rats behind about your 'but he was mean when he first found out that I was pregnant' excuse, you are in for one rude awakening. They care about the child's best interest, period. And this man is soldier for the US...to them, a valuable and worthwhile father.

 

Just trying to give you the heads up on what COULD happen if you insist on having things your way. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to make you understand that you DONT GET 100% of the say anymore. You have to do what is best for that kid. If not willingly, then by force. Now you only get 50% of the say. Father is going to get to make decisions too.

 

This is why I told you in the beginning, if you didn't want to share this kid, you shouldnt ever even told him you were pregnant, let alone asked for child support. He's got rights to this baby. Physical, emotional, and LEGAL rights. And it looks like now he wants to take advantage of them. So I'd learn to compromise now before you end up in court.

 

 

If he gets 50% of the say, don't you think he should be willing to give 50% effort?? Not this " I will see the baby when I can, if I am available" nonsense. Why don't you see that?

[Janesays]

If he gets 50% of the say, don't you think he should be willing to give 50% effort?? Not this " I will see the baby when I can, if I am available" nonsense. Why don't you see that?

 

Oh, I see that. I understand that. And I'm not trying to tell what is right or wrong. I'm trying to explain to you the LAW and what is or isn't going to fly in court. They won't care about any of your petty disagreements...even if you are 100% right. They will only care about the best interest of that baby. And is it in the best interest of that baby to have a father and extended familily? Maybe someday a loving step mother? Unless there is a history of drugs or PROVABLE abuse, that is going to be a no brainer for the judge.

 

Of course it is in your babies best interest, so Mom will just have to suck it up.

 

Don't believe me? Didn't I call this happening a few pages back? Dig your heels in and go to family court if you wish. Just dont say I didn't warn you.

[scorpio1978]

Oh, I see that. I understand that. And I'm not trying to tell what is right or wrong. I'm trying to explain to you the LAW and what is or isn't going to fly in court. They won't care about any of your petty disagreements...even if you are 100% right. They will only care about the best interest of that baby. And is it in the best interest of that baby to have a father and extended familily? Maybe someday a loving step mother? Unless there is a history of drugs or PROVABLE abuse, that is going to be a no brainer for the judge.

 

Of course it is in your babies best interest, so Mom will just have to suck it up.

 

Don't believe me? Didn't I call this happening a few pages back? Dig your heels in and go to family court if you wish. Just dont say I didn't warn you.

 

Jane, take it down a few notches. I appreciate your time, but nobody said anything about not believing you.

[Janesays]

Jane, take it down a few notches. I appreciate your time, but nobody said anything about not believing you.

 

Just trying to help you. Don't want you to have to find out the hard way.

 

Which is why when you first started posting, I (and a couple of other posters) didn't join in with the chorus of 'get that child support!' And 'you go girls!'

 

Why? Because we've been to family court. We know what it is like. Heck, two of my best friends are family law attorneys.

 

If I were in your place, I would have told him I got an abortion, NEVER breathed a word about child support and DISAPPEARED.

 

A few hundred bucks a month isn't worth being legally tied to a dead beat for the rest of your life.

 

But what's done is done and who knows? Maybe he will end up being a fantastic dad. Fingers crossed.

[scorpio1978]

Just trying to help you. Don't want you to have to find out the hard way.

 

Which is why when you first started posting, I (and a couple of other posters) didn't join in with the chorus of 'get that child support!' And 'you go girls!'

 

Why? Because we've been to family court. We know what it is like. Heck, two of my best friends are family law attorneys.

 

If I were in your place, I would have told him I got an abortion, NEVER breathed a word about child support and DISAPPEARED.

 

A few hundred bucks a month isn't worth being legally tied to a dead beat for the rest of your life.

 

But what's done is done and who knows? Maybe he will end up being a fantastic dad. Fingers crossed.

 

 

 

I could never tell someone I had an abortion when I didn't. How terrible is that? So, tell a man I aborted his child, go on about my business and when my child grows to ask who his father is, I concoct another lie before he decides to search for him, which some children do, and finds out I lied and hates me? That's a crappy plan. No, I will "suck it up" like you have told me so many times. Thanks, though.

[Janesays]

Well when you started this thread, I assumed that the reason you didn't want him involved was because he was some dead beat loser. Who knows? Maybe even a drug addict or a criminal. I would have ZERO issues with lying to a man like that to keep him out of my child's life. Keep in mind I said NOTHING about lying to my kid; just the father. You concocted that nonsense all by yourself.

 

I apologize for not knowing that the only reason you didn't want him involved was because you were bitter he didn't want to be with you and were still haboring some hurt feelings that he wasn't THRILLED to have gotten a woman he was no longer romantically interested in pregnant. In that case, he doesn't sound like a terrible guy after all...and will likely turn out to be a great resource for both you and your child. So I agree that involving him is best.

 

No reason to be so hostile. This can be a very positive thing for you if you sit down and really think about it. Will it take some soul searching and sacrificing on your part? Absolutely, but that is what being a Mother is all about. And I hear the perks are priceless.

[Iguanna]

She is not hostile, lets give her a break, we are here to support her and not make her feel bad. What is done is done now and we have to see what happens from now on. Scorpio we are here for you

[scorpio1978]

Well when you started this thread, I assumed that the reason you didn't want him involved was because he was some dead beat loser. Who knows? Maybe even a drug addict or a criminal. I would have ZERO issues with lying to a man like that to keep him out of my child's life. Keep in mind I said NOTHING about lying to my kid; just the father. You concocted that nonsense all by yourself.

 

I apologize for not knowing that the only reason you didn't want him involved was because you were bitter he didn't want to be with you and were still haboring some hurt feelings that he wasn't THRILLED to have gotten a woman he was no longer romantically interested in pregnant. In that case, he doesn't sound like a terrible guy after all...and will likely turn out to be a great resource for both you and your child. So I agree that involving him is best.

 

No reason to be so hostile. This can be a very positive thing for you if you sit down and really think about it. Will it take some soul searching and sacrificing on your part? Absolutely, but that is what being a Mother is all about. And I hear the perks are priceless.

 

 

Jane, I don't think you realize this, because in your mind, you mean well, and perhaps in some ways you do, put your posts have been very hostile, borderline nasty, and aggressive, especially when you type in caps letters. It comes across as yelling. That is no way to go about a conversation, especially with someone you don't know. That's basic etiquette. I don't expect anyone to sugar coat anything, but come on now. Even telling me I concocted "nonsense" by my thought that my child may look for his father one day? It's rude. My thought is very plausible because I know many people who have grown up without a father and have done just that- searched.

 

 

 

 

I have every right to harbor hurt feelings, as he has to have feelings of not being thrilled about the pregnancy, but where did I say the only reason I have reservations about his involvement is about that? Where did I say anything about him being a drug addict or an abuser? He said his visits will be far and few between, he showed no interest at all and all of a sudden, he has (is it real or because he is leaving for a deployment and he feels guilty?), has not offered any financial stability thus far, and won't even talk about any visitation arrangement, oh and he can be at the ultrasound where they tell me what the sex is if he is "available". I have very real concerns that he will not be a hands-on parent based off of his personality type and what he has laid out so far. It's not bitterness about a relationship gone wrong, or even who I have unfortunately chose for a father. It's protection for the baby that I am ultimately going to be responsible for raising, probably alone anyway.

 

 

You don't need to agree with anything I say, and you can tell it like it is as long as you want, I will continue to do the same, but don't tell me I have been hostile without understanding why. Read your posts.

[William]

This thread was reported for a 'civility check' and a quick scan indicates indeed one is needed so I'll queue this up for processing. It appears that the thread starter has received substantial feedback so we'll close this pending review. Thanks for your participation!