Going to be a single mom

[dreamingoftigers]

The most helpful thing a friend told me while I was pregnant was NOT TO PANIC if the bonding was slow to come. That advice was gold, so I'm passing it on to you.

 

The melty mommy love never whooshed in like a big rush. Pregnancy felt surreal throughout, and even after my son was born and they laid him on my chest, I looked at him and had kind of an absent-minded thought of, "Huh. So there you are!" I can't say when it "kicked in" - it was a slow and quiet arrival. But I'm chock full of melty mommy love today.

 

My strong bond didn't kick in right away either.

 

After three days of labour I was pretty exhausted, it wasn't when I first held her.

I thought she was cute but it wasn't until in the night as I slept beside her she started crying. My first thought (I fully admit this) was something along the lines of "I really don't want to deal with this, I just want to sleep. Stop crying ARG!"

 

Then I looked at her abd she opened her eyes for just a second and it was just amazing. It was like she was this really pretty little alien. Big big eyes and just soft little features. It actually brings me to tears now. I love her so much.

 

Even when she talks back to me at four years old saying "you don't tell me what to do! I know you're a Mummy but I want to have candy right now!"

[dreamingoftigers]

Why does everyone show support for the op? Shes trapping this poor guy and expects to file child support!?

 

Horrible! This is why western women have a bad name !

 

This is a support website.

 

And if a guy doesn't want a baby, perhaps he can not "spread his seed" all over the place. Because guess what? If he wants to play farmer he can damn well reap what he sows.

 

Whining about "Western women" be damned. Take some responsibility. A vagina isn't a "trap," it's something a man willingly enters.

[pink_sugar]

This is a support website.

 

And if a guy doesn't want a baby, perhaps he can not "spread his seed" all over the place. Because guess what? If he wants to play farmer he can damn well reap what he sows.

 

Whining about "Western women" be damned. Take some responsibility. A vagina isn't a "trap," it's something a man willingly enters.

 

I think I've read posts by the OP before. If I remember correctly, this guy took no precautions when having sex with her and didn't even bother to ask if she was on any reliable birth control. Because of that alone, he is responsible for 50% of this child's well being.

[scorpio1978]

I was the wild friend in high school and college, I could talk myself in and out of anything. I never slowed down and I never was going to have kids or get married... At least that was my plan. My ex boyfriend planned to get me pregnant while we were on vacation, lots of booze and convincing me I took my pill when I hadn't, is how I got my son. I was really upset when I took a positive test a few weeks later. All my plans (as crazy as they sound now) were ruined.

 

My ex went to prison for robbery before I had the baby. I had to do the final month completely alone, it sucked. It was hard to be that far along without help. I was not the first person to hold my son... I'm embarrassed to admit I was the fifth. I had no interest in him he was cute but it wasn't what I wanted, it wasn't until I smelled him that I fell head over heels in love. The sweet baby smell is real, it was the best thing I've experienced.

 

He is my world, I've slowed down and now I'm a mommy first. I lost friends due to my lack of being exciting. But I couldn't care less! Being with my son is the best thing in the world. When I'm not with him I count the minutes I'm away. He's smart, funny, and very cute (I have people constantly telling me to get him into modeling and acting)

 

I'm kind of happy I don't have to share him. Bing single is hard. It sucks, and it has had negative effects on my boy, but the situation I'm in is rare and I always tell people I would be surprised if their experience was horrible, even mine has not been. With what I've gone through, I would do it again without question! Being a parent changed me.

 

I am glad you wrote this because I was literally just thinking about how I still feel no connection and I was wondering when I will. The first ultrasound? When he/she is born? Time will tell, but fear holds me back from jumping for joy. It would be amazing to have his father come back a changed man, but I don't see it and I will just have to step up my game a be an even better parent to make up for what he doesn't have in a father.

 

Thank you

[scorpio1978]

This is a support website.

 

And if a guy doesn't want a baby, perhaps he can not "spread his seed" all over the place. Because guess what? If he wants to play farmer he can damn well reap what he sows.

 

Whining about "Western women" be damned. Take some responsibility. A vagina isn't a "trap," it's something a man willingly enters.

 

 

You said it better than I could, but this is exactly right. He should have known better too. Thank you.

[pink_sugar]

OP, you need to ask yourself if you really want this baby. It's obviously not unheard of that expecting moms may not feel a connection right away, but I get the feeling that you're having this baby because of your age and you're afraid you may change your mind when it's too late. A lot of moms lack "maternal" feelings and the children suffer because of it. My husband's mother always blamed her lack of "oxytocin" for her lack of being a proper mother and neglecting him most of his life.

[scorpio1978]

OP, you need to ask yourself if you really want this baby. It's obviously not unheard of that expecting moms may not feel a connection right away, but I get the feeling that you're having this baby because of your age and you're afraid you may change your mind when it's too late. A lot of moms lack "maternal" feelings and the children suffer because of it. My husband's mother always blamed her lack of "oxytocin" for her lack of being a proper mother and neglecting him most of his life.

 

 

I do want this baby, but it doesn't feel like a baby to me. It feels like a concept, like it isn't real and I feel like I am living someone else's life right now. It's not just the baby, it's everything. The loss of the dream I had to be married and settled down with a man who loved me as much as I loved him, not be a secret and to be in a job that I liked where I never had to worry about money, and in a home bigger than what I have now. Not saying that the baby will ruin any of that. I just need to rearrange some goals here. I will make do, but I feel like I am lying when I say I am pregnant. I have no symptoms- maybe a little nausea, but nothing is screaming "you're pregnant!" other than the multiple tests I took.

 

I think once I see the ultrasound and know that things are ok, I will feel better. My age and the fact that I am early on have me feeling like I don't want to get attached right now because anything can happen and I could miscarry. That would be devastating

 

Does any of this make sense?

[Raena]

I do want this baby, but it doesn't feel like a baby to me. It feels like a concept, like it isn't real and I feel like I am living someone else's life right now. It's not just the baby, it's everything. The loss of the dream I had to be married and settled down with a man who loved me as much as I loved him, not be a secret and to be in a job that I liked where I never had to worry about money, and in a home bigger than what I have now. Not saying that the baby will ruin any of that. I just need to rearrange some goals here. I will make do, but I feel like I am lying when I say I am pregnant. I have no symptoms- maybe a little nausea, but nothing is screaming "you're pregnant!" other than the multiple tests I took.

 

I think once I see the ultrasound and know that things are ok, I will feel better. My age and the fact that I am early on have me feeling like I don't want to get attached right now because anything can happen and I could miscarry. That would be devastating

 

Does any of this make sense?

 

Yes it does make perfect sense. All of it. Give it some more time. It does get better.

[scorpio1978]

Agreed.

 

My ex did this to me. I went back to be a part of my daughters life, and work on our relationship. When I made the sacrifice I got burned in the end.

 

My ex found a way to get pregnant on purpose, and I get the OP may have found a way to get pregnant to try and keep this ex, she mentions, around. Selfish move. A child needs both a father and mother (being they both give their child something the other can't provide).

 

When me and my ex split we agreed she would be taking full custody of our daughter, and that I wouldn't have to pay child support. I think going after this guy for child support is unfair, period.

 

I also find it disturbing that the majority of posters on this thread are cheering the OP on. I'm not an advocate of abortion by any means, but this child is going to experience a lot of hardships. In my urban sociology class I did a huge project on the feminzation of poverty, and I'll the first to tell you that the odds of success are not in the OP's favor off providing this child stability.

 

 

I did not get pregnant on purpose to trap this man. Let's get that out of the way. This was hardly a plan at all and the situation I am in is not one I am taking lightly. At age 35, the last thing I thought I would be is pregnant and pregnant and alone was inconceivable until now. This is not a situation the father is in at all. He chose to walk away. I don't have that luxury. Could I abort? Yes, and I still could, but why? Because the father doesn't want to be with me? How pathetic is that for a reason? There are plenty of men who would be lucky to have me. I don't need to get pregnant to trap or keep anyone.

 

Perhaps had he been a gentleman and sat down with me, telling me his point of view and why this is a bad time in his life, etc., I would have been more understanding, but to give me the excuse that "I don't think a child should be brought into this world when two people aren't going to be together" is absolute garbage! You may disagree, but sorry, that is NOT an reason for abortion in my opinion. If he had valid reasons and concerns, they were lost as he got up and stormed out like a toddler not getting his way.

 

As far as poverty goes...far from it. I live in one of the most expensive cities to live in, have a stable job and a brand new car- all achieved through hard work. Sure, I could be making more money, but I am doing everything I can to progress and get promoted in my job to have a better life. Women have done much more with much less.

 

I am not pinching pennies by any means, but my concerns about money come from the thought about the unforeseen, as I have never had to put together a nursery and purchase baby items, which certainly do add up, and childcare is expensive. I call my concerns having a responsible thought process to ensure my child will have the best life possible.

 

It's also scary to have student loans in excess of $200,000 over my head. Anyone would feel that way regardless of what they make. Child support is an option because it is my child's right, but if I can do it all on my own, I will do it and do it proudly. I would feel better about raising this baby without his money and I am not looking to file for support just out of principle. I think due to the character this man has demonstrated, he will run into tough times of his own in life without me having to interfere. And me? I will have raised a child who is kind, considerate, well rounded and well-adjusted because I have the tools emotionally. What can he give my child? He can show him how to treat people like they are disposable, walk away from responsibility, bail when in a crisis instead of being a stand-up individual, and be a blatant a--hole. No thanks.

 

Also, I am not selfish. That to me would be to continue on shopping and buying meaningless items, going to bed whenever I want and waking up late on weekends, going out to dinner with friends every night and then deciding to abort this baby because I cannot do that anymore. I don't want this man in my life. I think he is an absolute disgrace, but despite how disgusted I am by him, I know that I will not stop him from seeing the baby if he wants in the future and I will not bad-mouth him to my child. That is self-LESS to me.

 

I appreciate you taking the time to give your input, as I posted here asking for it, but I don't agree with you.

 

I am also very curious to know how the odds are so against me? Did your Sociology class teach you that? What did they say about a woman with a great family and friends with children who are willing to step in do whatever she needs?

[liquid_amber]

I did not get pregnant on purpose to trap this man. Let's get that out of the way. This was hardly a plan at all and the situation I am in is not one I am taking lightly. At age 35, the last thing I thought I would be is pregnant and pregnant and alone was inconceivable until now. This is not a situation the father is in at all. He chose to walk away. I don't have that luxury. Could I abort? Yes, and I still could, but why? Because the father doesn't want to be with me? How pathetic is that for a reason? There are plenty of men who would be lucky to have me. I don't need to get pregnant to trap or keep anyone.

 

Perhaps had he been a gentleman and sat down with me, telling me his point of view and why this is a bad time in his life, etc., I would have been more understanding, but to give me the excuse that "I don't think a child should be brought into this world when two people aren't going to be together" is absolute garbage! You may disagree, but sorry, that is NOT an reason for abortion in my opinion. If he had valid reasons and concerns, they were lost as he got up and stormed out like a toddler not getting his way.

 

As far as poverty goes...far from it. I live in one of the most expensive cities to live in, have a stable job and a brand new car- all achieved through hard work. Sure, I could be making more money, but I am doing everything I can to progress and get promoted in my job to have a better life. Women have done much more with much less.

 

I am not pinching pennies by any means, but my concerns about money come from the thought about the unforeseen, as I have never had to put together a nursery and purchase baby items, which certainly do add up, and childcare is expensive. I call my concerns having a responsible thought process to ensure my child will have the best life possible.

 

It's also scary to have student loans in excess of $200,000 over my head. Anyone would feel that way regardless of what they make. Child support is an option because it is my child's right, but if I can do it all on my own, I will do it and do it proudly. I would feel better about raising this baby without his money and I am not looking to file for support just out of principle. I think due to the character this man has demonstrated, he will run into tough times of his own in life without me having to interfere. And me? I will have raised a child who is kind, considerate, well rounded and well-adjusted because I have the tools emotionally. What can he give my child? He can show him how to treat people like they are disposable, walk away from responsibility, bail when in a crisis instead of being a stand-up individual, and be a blatant a--hole. No thanks.

 

Also, I am not selfish. That to me would be to continue on shopping and buying meaningless items, going to bed whenever I want and waking up late on weekends, going out to dinner with friends every night and then deciding to abort this baby because I cannot do that anymore. I don't want this man in my life. I think he is an absolute disgrace, but despite how disgusted I am by him, I know that I will not stop him from seeing the baby if he wants in the future and I will not bad-mouth him to my child. That is self-LESS to me.

 

I appreciate you taking the time to give your input, as I posted here asking for it, but I don't agree with you.

 

I am also very curious to know how the odds are so against me? Did your Sociology class teach you that? What did they say about a woman with a great family and friends with children who are willing to step in do whatever she needs?

 

Being a single mother is hard. Traditionally, babies were born into 2-parent homes in which the parents were married and committed. I'm sure you will be the best mother you can be, but the odds are still against you because the baby is not being born into a stable 2-parent home.

[Balzac]

Your education debt is a curiosity. Clearly you have a professional degree for the six figures. Age 35 is rough to have that debt remaining. I feel your pain

[Omei]

When I had my baby I was the one to dump most of my friends and some did me it just happens its a life change they wernt gonna have anything in common with me anymore it was a party crowed I have one true friend thats ajusted to me though through everything, she even helps me in time of need I have a great family and support system.

 

Babys cost nothing compaired to what my 6 year old does now, they get more and more expensive. I wish I could go back to baby cost haha.

 

And ill suggest breast feeding purely because I think that time was the closest I ever felt to my child not that I dont feel it now it was just amazing to feel that bond I miss it a lot. It will also save money, stress and time you will get more rest time. New mothers think they instantly know after birth they dont you have to teach so they give up, if you dont give up its well worth it.

[Balzac]

 

Your debt is astounding.

.

 

I don't think we have adequate info to make the judgement.

M.D. - PhD - J.D. Or MBA from a top 10 school can easily cost six figures. I can see questioning her age regarding the debt. Many students entered pricey programs during '08/'09 and were stuck. Job over, dropping out to no new job a poor option.

[scorpio1978]

I don't think we have adequate info to make the judgement.

M.D. - PhD - J.D. Or MBA from a top 10 school can easily cost six figures. I can see questioning her age regarding the debt. Many students entered pricey programs during '08/'09 and were stuck. Job over, dropping out to no new job a poor option.

 

 

It took me over 10 years to get through undergrad and graduate school. I have a Master's Degree and work in the Medical field. I had no help from my parents, which I never expected nor asked for, and I therefore had to take out loans on my own. My grad school was the only one I applied to and they accepted 150 students out of 1200 applicants and it was a prestigious school, so I took the offer. I am proud of my accomplishments, but yes, the debt is high. I was working full time and trying to go to school, hence why I am 35 with debt. I hardly think that while trying to school to better myself I thought I would in this position, but I am and it could be much worse. Better, yes, but definitely worse.

[bentleychic]

I won't even reply to the wicked harsh comments above, BUT I will address the bonding. I don't think I said this previously, but with my last child (total surprise as now exH and I actually separated soon after he was conceived) I did not bond with him until after he was born. There is no "normal" time frame. You do when you do. And you will. I can tell it in your posts and how defensive you are getting about the baby and what kind of person s/he will be.

[scorpio1978]

Oh my Lord. I am a female, quite a bit older than you. You are living in a bit of a fantasy.

 

First of all, please know that although you feel "any man" would be lucky to have you, many men will specifically avoid you because they don't want to deal with a woman (and a young one at that) with a child.

 

Your debt is astounding.

 

Also know that this family and friends "who are willing to step in" will dwindle as time goes on, especially if you need money or childcare. Some of your friends will come to feel that you got yourself into this position and you'll have to figure it out.

 

I'm sure you will, but I think the life you thought you would have is far from the life you will end up with if you decide to continue with the pregnancy.

 

 

I am aware that having a small child is a deterrent to some men, so there is no fantasy there at all, thank you very much. While I am in no position to be preoccupied with dating, I was simply stating a fact, that I have a good head on my shoulders and yes, to some, a baby is a deterrent, but to those who don't mind, I am a good catch. For those who think a child is a burden, then can move along when the time for me to date is right. More men and women my age have failed marriages and children as it is, anyway. It's a fact of life and while I have a tough road ahead of me.

There is no IF I go through with the pregnancy like you state. It's a decision I have made and it's not one I have come to lightly. I refuse to abort because of a man, plain and simple- the father of my baby or men in the future, period.

 

I think it is a bit presumptuous as well to assume to know how my friends and family will act, being you don't know them, but perhaps you have some background history with the same. My single friends don't "get it", but there are only 2 who have bailed and they weren't very good friends as it is. The married ones don't feel that I "got myself into this". In fact, they are the ones who stressed that I should do the right thing and raise this baby as it deserves a chance and I agree.

 

Thank you for your input.

[scorpio1978]

I won't even reply to the wicked harsh comments above, BUT I will address the bonding. I don't think I said this previously, but with my last child (total surprise as now exH and I actually separated soon after he was conceived) I did not bond with him until after he was born. There is no "normal" time frame. You do when you do. And you will. I can tell it in your posts and how defensive you are getting about the baby and what kind of person s/he will be.

 

 

Thank you for your kindness:) I am sure it will come. I have voiced some concerns to my friends with children and get a range of answers from "I bonded when I saw the first ultrasound" or "when I felt the first kick" and even "a few days after the baby was born when it sunk in". I know it will come in due time. Like I said, it's very surreal right now.

[bentleychic]

It will definitely become more real when it's obvious and not just two lines on a pregnancy test. One thing I did with my last one was buy a doppler to use at home to listen to his heartbeat. It was nice to be able to hear him and reassuring, too. I'm thinking that was around the 10th or 11th week of pregnancy.

[scorpio1978]

It will definitely become more real when it's obvious and not just two lines on a pregnancy test. One thing I did with my last one was buy a doppler to use at home to listen to his heartbeat. It was nice to be able to hear him and reassuring, too. I'm thinking that was around the 10th or 11th week of pregnancy.

 

 

Ooh, good idea!. Thank you!

[pink_sugar]

love does not exist, the OP clearly did not intend to get pregnant to strap him. Not consistent with birth control? Yes. But the father is equally at fault here for not taking any precaution himself. It's not like he asked and she lied about being on birth control.

[Mcle]

Having a baby is like falling in love. For some people it is "love at first sight" and for others it builds slowly over time. Do not be concerned if you do not feel an "instant connection" with your fetus or even your newborn. It will come and before you know it nothing else will seem to matter in comparison.

 

The feelings that come with having a baby are very individual and nobody should be judging your feelings. The fact that some moms dont "feel" anything for their fetus right away is one of the things most mothers do not talk about openly because nobody really wants to hear anything other than the usual platitudes.

 

As for child support, legally that is for your baby. Do not be shamed into not filing over a some false sense of pride. Holding the father responsible for his actions does him a favor. It gives him the chance to so the right thing. Since it sounds like you are more successful than your ex you may want to consult with a family law attorney over your custody concerns. Best of luck to you.

[Janesays]

As far as filing for child support, go ahead and do it as that is your legal right. However, do not think for one second that you will then retain the 'right' to keep him from seeing her if he does so desire. The courts will not allow it and even if you could...it is morally wrong to take part of the man's paycheck and refuse to let him see his kid.

 

Unfortunately, once his wages are being garnished, he likely will decide 'why not' and file for visitation. And yes, this means he will able to breeze in and out of her life if he so desires.

 

Your only shot at keeping him away for good is keeping his name off the birth certificate, not filing, and crossing your fingers.

 

You have to weigh what is more important: extra money or keeping him out of your child's life. I don't know the guy so I personally can't answer that question for you. My guess is it is going to take some hard thinking on your part.

[scorpio1978]

Having a baby is like falling in love. For some people it is "love at first sight" and for others it builds slowly over time. Do not be concerned if you do not feel an "instant connection" with your fetus or even your newborn. It will come and before you know it nothing else will seem to matter in comparison.

 

The feelings that come with having a baby are very individual and nobody should be judging your feelings. The fact that some moms dont "feel" anything for their fetus right away is one of the things most mothers do not talk about openly because nobody really wants to hear anything other than the usual platitudes.

 

As for child support, legally that is for your baby. Do not be shamed into not filing over a some false sense of pride. Holding the father responsible for his actions does him a favor. It gives him the chance to so the right thing. Since it sounds like you are more successful than your ex you may want to consult with a family law attorney over your custody concerns. Best of luck to you.

 

You know what I am concerned about? I babysat a friend's 6 month old child overnight this past weekend and she was an absolute horror! In her defense, she had a bunch of shots the day before, but all she did was scream her head off and the only thing that made her stop is when I put her on the floor in front of the tv to sort herself out and she watched "Friends". Every other moment, she was screaming bloody murder. I actually had to put her down and walk away because I thought I was going to lose it. The following morning, she was all smiles and all I wanted to do was hand her back to her parents and high-tail it out of there. When they asked if I was ready for a little one, I smiled and lied and said "Oh definitely" as I thought in my head "your child is a demon". I cannot hand my child over to anyone else when he/she pulls that crap. THAT is what scares me.

[scorpio1978]

As far as filing for child support, go ahead and do it as that is your legal right. However, do not think for one second that you will then retain the 'right' to keep him from seeing her if he does so desire. The courts will not allow it and even if you could...it is morally wrong to take part of the man's paycheck and refuse to let him see his kid.

 

Unfortunately, once his wages are being garnished, he likely will decide 'why not' and file for visitation. And yes, this means he will able to breeze in and out of her life if he so desires.

 

Your only shot at keeping him away for good is keeping his name off the birth certificate, not filing, and crossing your fingers.

 

You have to weigh what is more important: extra money or keeping him out of your child's life. I don't know the guy so I personally can't answer that question for you. My guess is it is going to take some hard thinking on your part.

 

I actually want the father to grow up and be a part of his child's life. That's the thing. I just cannot stand the thought of him popping in and out. Maybe that is the best I will get, which is really sad, but if he can get over the fact that I don't want to be with him and this isn't about me and him, the better off he will be to open his eyes and see his baby. There are times when I think of calling him to tell him what the doctor said, but then I remind myself that he doesn't care. I have my first ultrasound next week and it makes me sad that I cannot share it with him. I want him to be a part of these things, but I cannot force him. So, I don't necessarily want to keep him out of my child's life. I do not think that is fair to either of them. All I can do is go through this by myself and hope he grows a pair, but some men never do and I need to be prepared for that.

 

Not filing for child support is solely based off of pride. It's true. I feel shamed enough. I am a dirty secret now, worthy of being left like some dirtball and to top it all off, I may need to file for child support. But, I need to grow up myself and realize that I am trying to make the best of the situation and it's what is in the best interest of the child. I just wish my ex would realize that.

[Janesays]

I understand that you don't want him popping in and out. But legally, you cannot prevent it. If he doesn't want to take advantage of his court ordered visitation, that is his right. If he does, there is NOTHING you can do to prevent it. If he changes his mind every other year, that is his right too. Legally, your hands are tied. These are the crosses you choose to bear when you choose this man to father your child. You and your kid will BOTH have to suffer the consequences of this choice.

 

The only thing you can do now is try to make sure the rest of her life is super stable to make up for the instability she will get from her Dad.

 

Or you can forgo the child support and use that as leverage to keep him completely out. But either way, children need a strong role model in their life, so I hope you have a back up plan.

 

If it were me, I probably wouldn't file for support in hopes that that would be enough incentive for him to refrain from legally tying himself to me for life. But that's an easy decision for me to make as I make pretty decent money.

Edited November 5, 2013 by Janesays