Going to be a single mom

[sunshinegirl]

You know what I am concerned about? I babysat a friend's 6 month old child overnight this past weekend and she was an absolute horror! In her defense, she had a bunch of shots the day before, but all she did was scream her head off and the only thing that made her stop is when I put her on the floor in front of the tv to sort herself out and she watched "Friends". Every other moment, she was screaming bloody murder. I actually had to put her down and walk away because I thought I was going to lose it. The following morning, she was all smiles and all I wanted to do was hand her back to her parents and high-tail it out of there. When they asked if I was ready for a little one, I smiled and lied and said "Oh definitely" as I thought in my head "your child is a demon". I cannot hand my child over to anyone else when he/she pulls that crap. THAT is what scares me.

 

A couple of thoughts here.

 

Your baby is going to "pull that crap." Guaranteed.

 

AND, lots of very loving parents very low tolerance for anybody else's kid doing that kind of thing. (Me included.)

 

But when my kid screams bloody murder b/c he had shots the day before and he's miserable? I want nothing more than to be able to sooth him, ease his discomfort, make him feel better. It's not him "pulling that crap", it's him in pain. It's him not understanding what just happened to him, and not being able to communicate what's wrong.

 

AND, you probably won't want to put him in someone else's care during times like this, but sometimes you won't have any choice. And you'll do your best to give that person tips on what to do, and if you choose someone mature, they'll hand back your baby at the end and say she was an angel, no problem whatsoever.

 

Because that's what decent people do -- the village helps you out, and occasionally deals with your cranky baby, and doesn't complain about it...just like you did.

[scorpio1978]

A couple of thoughts here.

 

Your baby is going to "pull that crap." Guaranteed.

 

AND, lots of very loving parents very low tolerance for anybody else's kid doing that kind of thing. (Me included.)

 

But when my kid screams bloody murder b/c he had shots the day before and he's miserable? I want nothing more than to be able to sooth him, ease his discomfort, make him feel better. It's not him "pulling that crap", it's him in pain. It's him not understanding what just happened to him, and not being able to communicate what's wrong.

 

AND, you probably won't want to put him in someone else's care during times like this, but sometimes you won't have any choice. And you'll do your best to give that person tips on what to do, and if you choose someone mature, they'll hand back your baby at the end and say she was an angel, no problem whatsoever.

 

Because that's what decent people do -- the village helps you out, and occasionally deals with your cranky baby, and doesn't complain about it...just like you did.

 

 

Darn right I complained about it. It's a very concerning part of parenting when there is nothing you can do to help because everything you have tried doesn't seem to be working and your little baby is speaking in it's own language. When it's someone else's child, it's even more nerve wracking since you don't have that child all the time. I feel terrible about putting friends in a position where this may happen to them, heightening my fears even more. But I did just what you said, I was "mature" as you put it and said nothing to the parents about how fussy she was. I didn't want them to feel bad because that is what, how did you put it- a "decent"? person would do, right? Check.

 

I have utilized this forum to means to voice my concerns, complain, and vent from day one no matter how irrational or offensive to some they may seem. That's my right.

 

Some people, especially in my position need a little reassurance that yes, these things do happen and maybe they can lend some ideas on how their babies were soothed or what they did when their little one had shots. Can you offer up something like that?

[scorpio1978]

A couple of thoughts here.

 

Your baby is going to "pull that crap." Guaranteed.

 

AND, lots of very loving parents very low tolerance for anybody else's kid doing that kind of thing. (Me included.)

 

But when my kid screams bloody murder b/c he had shots the day before and he's miserable? I want nothing more than to be able to sooth him, ease his discomfort, make him feel better. It's not him "pulling that crap", it's him in pain. It's him not understanding what just happened to him, and not being able to communicate what's wrong.

 

AND, you probably won't want to put him in someone else's care during times like this, but sometimes you won't have any choice. And you'll do your best to give that person tips on what to do, and if you choose someone mature, they'll hand back your baby at the end and say she was an angel, no problem whatsoever.

 

Because that's what decent people do -- the village helps you out, and occasionally deals with your cranky baby, and doesn't complain about it...just like you did.

 

One other thought here, thanks to this forum, I don't have any problem saying what is on my mind and saying what some think but aren't really "supposed" to say and I am thankful for that.

 

I cannot call up my family and tell them some of the things I have posted here or call a friend and say what is on my mind. It's easier and much more therapeutic to pour it out here, and while I am subject to backlash from others, unless you have something helpful to offer, I don't need you implying that I am not decent or mature in attempts to censor me or make me feel badly.

 

That's all. Thank you.

[scorpio1978]

I understand that you don't want him popping in and out. But legally, you cannot prevent it. If he doesn't want to take advantage of his court ordered visitation, that is his right. If he does, there is NOTHING you can do to prevent it. If he changes his mind every other year, that is his right too. Legally, your hands are tied. These are the crosses you choose to bear when you choose this man to father your child. You and your kid will BOTH have to suffer the consequences of this choice.

 

The only thing you can do now is try to make sure the rest of her life is super stable to make up for the instability she will get from her Dad.

 

Or you can forgo the child support and use that as leverage to keep him completely out. But either way, children need a strong role model in their life, so I hope you have a back up plan.

 

If it were me, I probably wouldn't file for support in hopes that that would be enough incentive for him to refrain from legally tying himself to me for life. But that's an easy decision for me to make as I make pretty decent money.

 

You bring up some valid points and suggestions, which I will take into consideration. Thank you. I am one tough cookie, but this situation is bringing me to my knees. I think once I transfer in my position at work to one that will have long term benefits and make me more promotable and I move into a larger home where I feel more stable, things will fall into place a little bit better. It's just not easy to see the big picture right now, you know? Thanks again

[Janesays]

Of course he can play Daddy legally anytime he wants too. But a lot of dead beat types can be talked out of trying if you give them a big enough financial incentive AKA I won't file for child support. This guy comes across as a dead beat type, so access to 100% of his paycheck might be enough motivation to talk him into cutting and running for good.

 

However, snag a guys paycheck and the guy who very adamantly didn't want kids might suddenly start to think, "eh, I'm paying for it anyway. Might as well...."

[scorpio1978]

Nope, forgoing support doesn't cut him out either if he wants to be involved even a little. He can file for determination of paternity and pay support and get visitation. It's not all her decision. If he decides any time in the next 18 years he wants to establish his paternity and pay support, he has a right to, and that also gives him a right to visitation.

 

This is why I suggested there is a bit of fantasy going on because the OP thinks it's "her" baby. If he doesn't do anything now that's fine, but at any time the father could change his mind about being involved and legally establish his rights. Eighteen years is a long time.

 

There is no fantasy here. I want him involved, I really do, but he doesn't want to be. I would love to show him the ultrasound and share news but he is not interested so, that's that. I don't think it's fair for him to pop in and out, just my opinion and I don't know what is more damaging- a father completely absent or one who cares one minute and doesn't seem to the next. I want the best for my child and I feel that us raising him or her as friends is as good as I can ask for but the father flat out refuses. I have no intention of asking for support without being open for visitation and in order to promote stability, I truly need the father to be on board. If he never has a change of heart, so be it, but I want to look at my child and know I did everything I could to involve his dad.

 

I guess as unfair as I think it is for him to pop in and out, he finds it unfair that he has no say in whether I keep the baby or not. It goes both ways with the unfairness it seems, huh?

[UpwardForward]

There is no fantasy here. I want him involved, I really do, but he doesn't want to be. I would love to show him the ultrasound and share news but he is not interested so, that's that. I don't think it's fair for him to pop in and out, just my opinion and I don't know what is more damaging- a father completely absent or one who cares one minute and doesn't seem to the next. I want the best for my child and I feel that us raising him or her as friends is as good as I can ask for but the father flat out refuses. I have no intention of asking for support without being open for visitation and in order to promote stability, I truly need the father to be on board. If he never has a change of heart, so be it, but I want to look at my child and know I did everything I could to involve his dad.

 

I guess as unfair as I think it is for him to pop in and out, he finds it unfair that he has no say in whether I keep the baby or not. It goes both ways with the unfairness it seems, huh?

 

No. It's not the same. Your baby is here (conceived). He should have no say (for now) in anything excepting how much he will be able to extend in support for the baby. Or let a judge decide.

[LovelyLife]

This is a support website.

 

And if a guy doesn't want a baby, perhaps he can not "spread his seed" all over the place. Because guess what? If he wants to play farmer he can damn well reap what he sows.

 

Whining about "Western women" be damned. Take some responsibility. A vagina isn't a "trap," it's something a man willingly enters.

 

 

Amen! Like they just 'happen' to fall into it and have zero idea that this can happen. ;-)

[turnera]

Look for groups for parents as well as groups for single parents. They'll be great friends and a great support.

[sunshinegirl]

One other thought here, thanks to this forum, I don't have any problem saying what is on my mind and saying what some think but aren't really "supposed" to say and I am thankful for that.

 

I cannot call up my family and tell them some of the things I have posted here or call a friend and say what is on my mind. It's easier and much more therapeutic to pour it out here, and while I am subject to backlash from others, unless you have something helpful to offer, I don't need you implying that I am not decent or mature in attempts to censor me or make me feel badly.

 

That's all. Thank you.

 

Oh my goodness, you completely misread my tone! I meant that to be SUPPORTIVE of you, not critical!

 

Believe me, I understand where your fears and concerns are coming from. I was trying to reassure you that you'll feel differently about your own child...it won't feel like "omg, why won't this kid shut up" the way it definitely CAN feel when you're caring for someone else's child (I have had these very same thoughts and feelings).

 

I was also trying to reassure you that most people are going to be happy to help you out, and even if your kid is hard to take care of, people aren't going to chew you out for it or complain to your face. Just like you didn't chew out your friends or complain to their face - you used discretion (I used the word "maturity" above - saying you WERE mature, not that you weren't!).

 

I see now your main concern is putting anyone in a similar position as you were in with that six month old. That's the one place where I'd say, as much as that's a thoughtful sentiment, you are most likely going to be in that situation at some (or multiple) points along the way - that's just a reality to accept.

 

Sorry for any poor word choice on my part.

[Midnight_Princess]

Hi sorry i just skimmed through your posts in the first page, havent read the replies.

 

As for spending every night at home without your friends trust me, it will happen. Youll see who your real friends are through this time. I lost a lot of my "friends" but im glad. They arent real friends if they only want to be around when you can go out and be fun. Youll meet lots of new people when the baby comes. There will be other mothers feeling the same at child care, pre school, even your antenatal appointments. Childless friends just dont get it lol.

 

As for not feeling connected to the baby it takes time. You know its there, you feel it move and see it on the screen but its just not real. But trust me, the moment you first lay eyes on that little baby in your arms it becomes real, quick! lol i felt my life change forever the first time i laid eyes on my daughter, you will never forget that moment. I bet your stressing like mad now but when the 9 months is up you really do wonder why you were so scared lol.

 

Its hard not to, but you really dont need to go all out and but the most expensive baby clothes and toys, fancy cots and change tables etc if moneys an issue. they grow out of everything so quickly. Id suggest buying any good quality second hand goods you can come across. Babies are really good at wrecking things lol.

Good luck!

Edited November 5, 2013 by Midnight_Princess

[melodymatters]

I 100% agree with Janesays posts, and think you need to really weigh out the "cost to benefit" ratio for lack of a better term.

 

First think how much you will receive from him, and how much or little this will change you and baby's day to day life. Then, picture you happily cashing the checks for 5 yrs with no bother from bio dad when WHOOPS, he gets married, and the new wife wants to play mom every other weekend and holiday with "YOUR" child.

 

Personally I'd keep him off the birth cert and never ask for a dime and raise my child among my strong unit of family and friends.

[scorpio1978]

Oh my goodness, you completely misread my tone! I meant that to be SUPPORTIVE of you, not critical!

 

Believe me, I understand where your fears and concerns are coming from. I was trying to reassure you that you'll feel differently about your own child...it won't feel like "omg, why won't this kid shut up" the way it definitely CAN feel when you're caring for someone else's child (I have had these very same thoughts and feelings).

 

I was also trying to reassure you that most people are going to be happy to help you out, and even if your kid is hard to take care of, people aren't going to chew you out for it or complain to your face. Just like you didn't chew out your friends or complain to their face - you used discretion (I used the word "maturity" above - saying you WERE mature, not that you weren't!).

 

I see now your main concern is putting anyone in a similar position as you were in with that six month old. That's the one place where I'd say, as much as that's a thoughtful sentiment, you are most likely going to be in that situation at some (or multiple) points along the way - that's just a reality to accept.

 

Sorry for any poor word choice on my part.

 

 

No worries. Thank you for the clarification and support

[scorpio1978]

I 100% agree with Janesays posts, and think you need to really weigh out the "cost to benefit" ratio for lack of a better term.

 

First think how much you will receive from him, and how much or little this will change you and baby's day to day life. Then, picture you happily cashing the checks for 5 yrs with no bother from bio dad when WHOOPS, he gets married, and the new wife wants to play mom every other weekend and holiday with "YOUR" child.

 

Personally I'd keep him off the birth cert and never ask for a dime and raise my child among my strong unit of family and friends.

 

Ugh, this makes my blood boil. I mean, we are both going to move on and I have heard through the grapevine that he is dating again, but if he ever did come around, I just cannot see the "well, his new woman is just one more person to love the baby" side, as my friend put it, just yet. Absolutely not. I keep trying to tell myself that any woman who stays with a man who left the mother of his child and was not involved through the pregnancy, treated her poorly and kept her like a secret is not worthy of a single one of my tears or any bit of aggravation. Neither of them are. It's not her. It's him too. It's a hard thing to tell myself and really accept, but I am trying.

[scorpio1978]

Sure. And you'll find it "unfair" when 10 years from now he's feeling like he needs to have a relationship with his child. And yes, he may have another family and wants to integrate the child into it.

 

You don't get to pick the time he gets involved, other than child support, which you can ask for at any time, just as he can choose not to look at ultrasounds or be there at the birth now and decide later to be involved.

 

It's all so unfair, huh?

 

 

It sure is unfair all around. I thought I finally had it right and did the right thing by walking away when the father said he wasn't ready for a relationship. I walked away and was prepared to move on and it felt great! I felt free of the angst that came when I realize I hadn't heard from him in 5 days and free of the damage I was doing to myself by asking what I was doing wrong and why we just couldn't get on the same page. I even was prepared to sign a lease on a new apartment, then boom! I find out I am already 4 weeks pregnant. But, like everything else in life, you do what you feel is best and make decisions that are hopefully going to have a positive impact. The best I can do is focus on not what isn't fair to me, but what is fair to my child and I cannot change how his father feels right now, only he can himself. I just wish someone would knock some sense into him and help expedite the process.

 

I won't lie and say it isn't making me crazy that another girl is more important right now than accepting that he has a child on the way. I am mature enough to put my feelings aside and come together to raise this baby as friends, like I have said, but I just have to keep telling myself, it's all going to work out the way it's supposed to. Maybe us as friends would be worse in some way and I just don't see it yet.

 

For all the crap I have been through in life, I sure hope things start coming together. One day, just not today, I will stop feeling sorry for myself and start focusing on the positivity that can come from this.

[almond]

Your life is about to dramatically change, and that is okay. You seem resolute in your decision, so now all that is left to do is overcome the initial shock, and clear up the confusion and thought loops as much as possible.

 

I do not intend to trivialise the value of support and opinions of other people, however, we all know what they say about opinions Some "advice" may make you feel better temporarily, and some may make you feel worse. The key to this is to take on board what resonates with you, and what you find useful, and to quickly discard the rest after you have evaluated it. Take everything into consideration, but take only a little on board. Most of it should come from you.

 

You are heading towards a very major life change, and the way you are feeling is completely normal. The best thing for you to do now is to seek out serenity and clarity in your direction and position, and for it not to be transient. Advice from others will only get you so far - time for a good think, and some soul searching. Time to alter the life plan, and to be content with it.

 

Some individual counseling may really help in this instance. You have a limited amount of time before the baby is born, and this is a huge change that you need to prepare for. Speaking to a professional may help to guide you through the process, and have you ready and able to transition into motherhood happily and with clarity.

 

Something to consider anyway.

 

Congratulations, and all the best - everything will work out just fine Hard times come and go, as do the good...always.

 

Just roll with the punches <3

[pink_sugar]

Sure. And you'll find it "unfair" when 10 years from now he's feeling like he needs to have a relationship with his child. And yes, he may have another family and wants to integrate the child into it.

 

You don't get to pick the time he gets involved, other than child support, which you can ask for at any time, just as he can choose not to look at ultrasounds or be there at the birth now and decide later to be involved.

 

It's all so unfair, huh?

 

This is sadly true. This is exactly what happened with my cousin. My aunt was alone throughout her whole pregnancy and the first year or so of his life and then the father eventually got full custody because he changed his mind about being a father and she wasn't mentally equipped to care for the child.

[almond]

You can make a logical choice for your current financial and relationship status by putting off children until you are in a committed relationship and have less debt or another income

 

This may be what your logic dictates (and for what it's worth, mine also), but this differs from person to person. I respect that having this child is the logical decision for the OP, and that our personal versions of "logic" are not universal.

 

or you can choose to drift along with whatever happens, go through more crap and always be looking over your shoulder for the "father" to reappear.

 

This is far from the only other alternative.

 

Sometimes we choose to do everything the hard way and it seems this is your choice in this instance.

 

Sometimes, what we feel is right for us isn't always easy. And sometimes, we have to do it regardless.

 

A therapist would probably be helpful for assistance in adjusting yourself to your new normal.

 

I agree

[scorpio1978]

I have been seeing a therapist since I found out. It's good to get it off my chest whatever I want to say, but she is not very helpful overall just yet. I get better perspective from friends.

 

I sent the father of the baby a text the other day telling him that while I know he and I aren't on great terms right now and he isn't happy with my decision to keep the baby, but that my first ultrasound is next week and I want to make sure that I offered to include him in updates if he so desired so that we both know I never tried to keep him away. If not, so be it, but let me know. Something to that effect. Short, respectful, etc., which took a lot. He never replied. I didn't think he would, but I needed to say that. I think him storming out when I first told him I was pregnant was not a shock or him being angry, but rather how he truly felt which is just not on board now and not ever going to be. It would be great for him to grow a pair and flat-out tell me "No, I want no involvement", but his actions say it all and his silence speaks volumes. So, I am going to stop trying. He will have to take stock oh his life and decisions he has made one day and if he feels like this is the right one, then I respectfully disagree! But, he will have to deal with his choices, not me, and it feels great to be free from his nonsense.

 

I actually felt a small sense of relief with his lack of response because I felt like I can move on and focus now on just me and the baby. I tried everything I could thus far to be a good woman and not be spiteful or harrassing. I need to take him out of the equation totally. He has made it pretty easy.

 

I was speaking to a friend of mine who is now remarried with 2 children and her ex calls every 3 or 4 weeks to speak to their 9 year old son. He may see him twice a year. She said she would rather he not be involved at all than pop in and pretend to care. Granted, she has a partner who has assumed care of her child and the second is theirs together, but I appreciated her input. Maybe one day I will be lucky enough to find a partner who will accept my child. So, far, 2 men have actually shown interest in dating me despite my situation and they are great, stand-up guys, but it's too weird for me right now and I am in no position to date. I have a bigger purpose right now. No need to complicate things.

 

Looks like it's just me and my little one. It will be extremely difficult at times and I am not looking forward to those times, but I will take it. I feel more and more like it's going to be ok....

[pink_sugar]

Remember you said you don't feel a connection yet, because it's still surreal to you? Not saying he will change his mind, but oftentimes it takes even longer for men since they do not carry the child. It's not black and white. I mean hell, my dad wanted my mom to have an abortion when my brother was born....although he resented my mom for lying about being on birth control. In a lot of states, fathers still have a legal right to their children regardless of whether or not they are there for the pregnancy. If you don't want him walking in and out of the child's life, he could release his parental rights, which would also mean no child support. You have to decide what is best.

[scorpio1978]

Remember you said you don't feel a connection yet, because it's still surreal to you? Not saying he will change his mind, but oftentimes it takes even longer for men since they do not carry the child. It's not black and white. I mean hell, my dad wanted my mom to have an abortion when my brother was born....although he resented my mom for lying about being on birth control. In a lot of states, fathers still have a legal right to their children regardless of whether or not they are there for the pregnancy. If you don't want him walking in and out of the child's life, he could release his parental rights, which would also mean no child support. You have to decide what is best.

 

 

See, in our state, parental rights cannot be signed over because parents want it. If I get married and my husband wants to adopt the child, then I could have him sign over rights, but he would have to agree to it. Also, if he is a drug user or an abuser, I would have more grounds, but I have nothing other than he isn't being involved and wanted me to abort. I wish there was a statue of limitations for a man to adhere to. Wishful thinking

[Criticality]

Hey Scorpio. Good luck, and I think you're making a good decision.

 

You'll probably start to feel more connected with the child as the birth draws closer. Some parents don't feel it until the baby is born.

 

And sorry for not reading all six pages here, you might have answered this already, but are you planning on getting child support? What would you say if the father changed his mind later on, and decided to get involved?

[scorpio1978]

Hey Scorpio. Good luck, and I think you're making a good decision.

 

You'll probably start to feel more connected with the child as the birth draws closer. Some parents don't feel it until the baby is born.

 

And sorry for not reading all six pages here, you might have answered this already, but are you planning on getting child support? What would you say if the father changed his mind later on, and decided to get involved?

 

Thank you I have been going back and forth with child support for a few reasons, though and more on board with it now. If I can do this without the extra help, I will do it and not file for it, but I think it's the least the father can do. Some on this forum have disagreed saying that it isn't fair to him to hit him up financially since he voiced that he didn't want the baby. So, there you go. Only I can make that final decision. If I do file, I don't plan on asking for much, just enough to help out with child care. I know mothers who are getting the fathers for everything they can. I am not out for blood, just what is right.

 

I cannot and will not keep the father from his child, but there just seems to be this part that I cannot shake where I feel that if he misses the entire pregnancy and all of the major milestones the baby will go through, why bother? But on the flip-side if he wanted to be involved, I would welcome that for the sake of my child. I will probably want to scratch his eyes out for being such an ass, but I will refrain. It's just the principle- I don't think the "better late than never" applies when it comes to being there for your child and he would agree.

 

I know this because he told me that because his father left when he was a baby and he didn't get to know him until he was 9, he is still messed up from it. Yet he is allowing history to repeat itself. To me, that statement during our conversation about the pregnancy told me he never intended to be here anyway. He of all people should know how it feels, but doesn't care.

[Janesays]

As far as I know, you dont get to 'ask for' any specific amount. Every state has their own formula where they just plug in his income, your income, child care expenses, any insurance info into a calculator and you'll get what the calculator says you're due. Even if you want less, they won't allow you to take less. Women get a bad rap for 'taking a guy for all he's got,' but the truth is, we get NO SAY in that discussion. It is the STATE who is interested in taking as much of a man's paycheck as they can. Why? Because the state takes 1-2% of all the collected child support money for 'fees.' In other words, the more you get, the more they get.

 

If you know how much this dude makes a year, look up your states child support calculator. Most of them can be easily found online and they are incredibly accurate. You'll probably get within $50 of that amount per month.

[scorpio1978]

As far as I know, you dont get to 'ask for' any specific amount. Every state has their own formula where they just plug in his income, your income, child care expenses, any insurance info into a calculator and you'll get what the calculator says you're due. Even if you want less, they won't allow you to take less. Women get a bad rap for 'taking a guy for all he's got,' but the truth is, we get NO SAY in that discussion. It is the STATE who is interested in taking as much of a man's paycheck as they can. Why? Because the state takes 1-2% of all the collected child support money for 'fees.' In other words, the more you get, the more they get.

 

If you know how much this dude makes a year, look up your states child support calculator. Most of them can be easily found online and they are incredibly accurate. You'll probably get within $50 of that amount per month.

 

This was very helpful! I didn't know that at all. Ugh. This just makes this more complicated to me, but I don't trust him to be on time with help if we don't go through the courts, you know? What a mess...