Going to be a single mom

[Janesays]

This was very helpful! I didn't know that at all. Ugh. This just makes this more complicated to me, but I don't trust him to be on time with help if we don't go through the courts, you know? What a mess...

 

The current system is messed up in a lot of ways. My ex had children from a previous relationship and we spent a lot of time in court, so I learned the ins and outs of family court pretty well.

 

I do know that the only time child support stays minimal is if 50/50 physical custody is granted. That means the child stays with you 3 or 4 days per week and then you give him to Dad for 3-4 days per week. The other alternative is one parent gets the kid for the school year and the other gets the kid all of summer and winter/spring breaks. (So the average physical custody is even.) In a lot of cases like these, child support can be eliminated altogether. This is why a lot of Dads, who normally wouldn't have anything to do with their kids, all the sudden go to court and try to file for 50/50 custody. It saves them money in the long run. If your ex decides to go this route, he'll need a good lawyer. I would suggest filing for support asap, because the courts are usually pretty reluctant to give 50% physical custody of an infant...especially if the baby is breast fed.

 

As I said, the system is screwed up in a lot of ways. But the alternative is NO system which was worse historically speaking.

 

I don't envy your position. Any time you get the courts involved your personal life, there is potential for chaos. That's the main reason I'd personally be reluctant. But if you Dont have enough $, you simply might not have a choice. Baby needs to eat.

 

Wish you plenty of luck...you're going to need it!

[scorpio1978]

I appreciate everyone's opinion and feel that I make pretty good decisions on my own, though not running away from this guy when things weren't feeling right is something I will always regret. But, I had a friend tell me yesterday that she would contact his family to inform them about the baby, as they have a right to decide if they want to be involved or not. Yikes. I don't feel right about that at all right now.

 

 

I met his aunt and uncle a few times and they took a liking to me, but to contact them, I would have to go through his Facebook friends and send them a message about the pregnancy and the baby. I cringe at the thought because to me, that's stirring up drama and will most definitely cause issues with he and I and would put the kibosh on any possibility of him coming around and being civilized in the near future, which I still think about.

 

I also think about my family though and how when my brother was a teen, he got a girl pregnant and being young, obviously wanted nothing to do with her, but my mother took her in and she became like a sister to me. My brother was in the Army and wasn't around, so it wasn't much of an issue and by the time the child was two, he took responsibility. That's one positive story.

 

I don't know...his family lives in another state and I never met his mom or siblings. With him saying he wants no involvement, is he in the right to make that decision for his family too? Mine would be devastated to learn of a grandchild out there that they had no opportunity to see. I can't bring myself to contact anyone like that, but was wondering if there are other options I just don't see.

 

My goodness. I cannot believe I have gotten myself into this at my age. Perhaps it's best to just forge ahead and not think about people I don't know....

[melodymatters]

Wow, just saw this and NO, please don't go contacting the family, at least not yet !

 

Think about this from the guys perspective : he just got out of a long marriage and was looking for something casual. You two were never exclusive and in fact it seems when you asked, that's when you both ended things.

 

He may not want to insult you but, I'd bet my last dollar he is HOPING that you were with someone else and a paternity test will clear him.

 

Until there is a live baby, and you have a DNA test, leave the guys family out of it !

[scorpio1978]

Wow, just saw this and NO, please don't go contacting the family, at least not yet !

 

Think about this from the guys perspective : he just got out of a long marriage and was looking for something casual. You two were never exclusive and in fact it seems when you asked, that's when you both ended things.

 

He may not want to insult you but, I'd bet my last dollar he is HOPING that you were with someone else and a paternity test will clear him.

 

Until there is a live baby, and you have a DNA test, leave the guys family out of it !

 

 

Yeah, I realized after I submitted how uncomfortable I was with those actions and what kind of trouble I could be opening us all up to. Better to leave things to work out the way they need to without causing any more drama. It will be hard enough without having other people I don't know coming through the woodwork. Sometimes, the things I do with good intentions backfire and I see no good coming from involving anyone else.

 

As hurtful as being left like this is, I am empathetic to his situation. I would be horrified if I was trying to get my life back and got walloped with news like this from someone I really didn't want to be with.

 

The sooner I realize that it's not personal, the better I will be. You can be the most amazing woman in the world and have it all and if a man isn't ready to see that and has in his mind that he wants nothing serious, that's the way it's going to be.

 

I think in the long run, me being by myself will be a good thing compared to the alternative. I just don't see it yet.

[madjac74]

Thank you Some on this forum have disagreed saying that it isn't fair to him to hit him up financially since he voiced that he didn't want the baby.

 

What idiots think this way? Guys? As the law goes as soon as they stick their little weenie in you and make the baby, they are liable for support no matter if they want to bail or if they disagree with your decision to have the baby or not.

 

If these douche bag guys (that are sadly overpopulating the earth) wan't to have the random 3 minutes of fun but avoid the 18 years of seeing a big percentage of their paychecks go to their one night stand then they should invest in a $2 condom.

 

He must have thought you weren't worth that. Would you want him as a baby daddy? Get a lawyer. You can make sure he gives you guys financial support and also make sure he has no contact with your child...which in his case probably emotional strain.

[scorpio1978]

What idiots think this way? Guys? As the law goes as soon as they stick their little weenie in you and make the baby, they are liable for support no matter if they want to bail or if they disagree with your decision to have the baby or not.

 

If these douche bag guys (that are sadly overpopulating the earth) wan't to have the random 3 minutes of fun but avoid the 18 years of seeing a big percentage of their paychecks go to their one night stand then they should invest in a $2 condom.

 

He must have thought you weren't worth that. Would you want him as a baby daddy? Get a lawyer. You can make sure he gives you guys financial support and also make sure he has no contact with your child...which in his case probably emotional strain.

 

It is emotional strain indeed and in my opinion, a few dollars towards child care is cheap and the least he can do for being such a crappy person. It's one thing to not want the baby, but there are better ways to handle it in conversation and actions than to just storm out, ignore me, and be nasty.

 

I had my first ultrasound today and all looked well. 9 weeks today! Heart beating nicely, baby just relaxing. For a split second, I thought about sending him the photo, but I didn't. Word on the street is that he thinks I am lying about the pregnancy, so that was my motivation. Like "here jackass, give me a little credit". But, he just isn't worth the aggravation. I had a friend in tears of happiness today over the pic. It's just amazing the baby's co-creator cannot care less. One day, I will look at my little one's face and forget all the anger and drama this a**hole has created.

[madjac74]

I am glad you and the baby are doing well. But seriously make this douche pay. If not for you and the baby (It seems like you will be just fine on your own) but for all the women out there who get used and left to deal with all the stress and worries of welcoming a child into the world.

[turnera]

There's a reason the term deadbeat dad was created.

 

I'm old enough to remember when the movie Kramer vs Kramer came out, where the wife literally left, and left the husband with the kid. It was SUCH an unheard of thing back then that it truly shocked the moviegoing community, to think a woman could actually leave her child. But a husband leaving their child - always has been a common thing.

[melodymatters]

Some of us feel, that if within a casual relationship, FWB, when the woman says she is on birth control, a man should not be forced into parenthood. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he knows how babies are made, he should have used a condom, but agreeing to sex, is not the same as agreeing to parenthood, and only woman get the choice as to the outcome. I was in this situation and MY choices were either A) keep him off the birth cert. and never ask him for anything or B) terminate.

 

I would never make THE biggest decision a person can ever make, for them.

 

This guy probably thinks ( and is praying) that since they weren't exclusive, until he see's a DNA test, he's not claiming anything.

 

Totally different story if a man leaves his wife and children they conceived together on purpose.

 

(I am a woman who had one child with a man I was married to for five years and when he left, and lost contact, I actually lied to social services so as to KEEP him out of our life and never asked him for a dime.)

[pink_sugar]

Some of us feel, that if within a casual relationship, FWB, when the woman says she is on birth control, a man should not be forced into parenthood. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he knows how babies are made, he should have used a condom, but agreeing to sex, is not the same as agreeing to parenthood, and only woman get the choice as to the outcome. I was in this situation and MY choices were either A) keep him off the birth cert. and never ask him for anything or B) terminate.

 

I would never make THE biggest decision a person can ever make, for them.

 

This guy probably thinks ( and is praying) that since they weren't exclusive, until he see's a DNA test, he's not claiming anything.

 

Totally different story if a man leaves his wife and children they conceived together on purpose.

 

(I am a woman who had one child with a man I was married to for five years and when he left, and lost contact, I actually lied to social services so as to KEEP him out of our life and never asked him for a dime.)

 

I agree, but in the OP's case, the guy didn't even ask if she was on birth control, so he is just as responsible for this oopsie as she is.

[scorpio1978]

Some of us feel, that if within a casual relationship, FWB, when the woman says she is on birth control, a man should not be forced into parenthood. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he knows how babies are made, he should have used a condom, but agreeing to sex, is not the same as agreeing to parenthood, and only woman get the choice as to the outcome. I was in this situation and MY choices were either A) keep him off the birth cert. and never ask him for anything or B) terminate.

 

I would never make THE biggest decision a person can ever make, for them.

 

This guy probably thinks ( and is praying) that since they weren't exclusive, until he see's a DNA test, he's not claiming anything.

 

Totally different story if a man leaves his wife and children they conceived together on purpose.

 

(I am a woman who had one child with a man I was married to for five years and when he left, and lost contact, I actually lied to social services so as to KEEP him out of our life and never asked him for a dime.)

 

Here is the thing... we WERE exclusive. That was part of the discussion when things ended. Neither he nor I were seeing other people and while he stated he didn't want to either, he didn't want to be in a "relationship". Translation "I want the option to see other people". So, it ended and it was my choice. He knows I wasn't seeing anyone else. That was never a question he brought up.

 

I get what you're saying though. To each their own.

[Iguanna]

We have to remember that life is unpredictable and we can't control it (most of the times). This is also the beauty of it. What I use to say is "when people make plans, God laughs", meaning that you can plan and plan and then something happens and you just find yourself in a situation where you have to make decisions and sacrifices, sometimes hard, sometimes feeling you betray your beliefs or people around you or even yourself. Well, having said all that and being close to your age I will say with all my heart that I wouldn't change a thing from my mistakes, from my actions, from my sad moments, cause these things made me the person I am today.

What I often do in hard and uncertain situations is, I try to think I'm like 6 months later and try to imagine how this matter that is making my life difficult at the moment will be then and how I will feel about it. Sometimes we people tend to overreact and when we remember our behavior some time ago, we don't understand why we acted like this.

What I suggest is that you hang in there, the situation you are in is not easy, but I'm sure that when you will have your baby in your arms all the second thoughts and doubts will be a terrible nightmare. All things in life have a solution, except from death. I have to tell you that I'm proud of you (though I don't know you ) and I'm sure you'll be a great mom.

Good luck

[scorpio1978]

We have to remember that life is unpredictable and we can't control it (most of the times). This is also the beauty of it. What I use to say is "when people make plans, God laughs", meaning that you can plan and plan and then something happens and you just find yourself in a situation where you have to make decisions and sacrifices, sometimes hard, sometimes feeling you betray your beliefs or people around you or even yourself. Well, having said all that and being close to your age I will say with all my heart that I wouldn't change a thing from my mistakes, from my actions, from my sad moments, cause these things made me the person I am today.

What I often do in hard and uncertain situations is, I try to think I'm like 6 months later and try to imagine how this matter that is making my life difficult at the moment will be then and how I will feel about it. Sometimes we people tend to overreact and when we remember our behavior some time ago, we don't understand why we acted like this.

What I suggest is that you hang in there, the situation you are in is not easy, but I'm sure that when you will have your baby in your arms all the second thoughts and doubts will be a terrible nightmare. All things in life have a solution, except from death. I have to tell you that I'm proud of you (though I don't know you ) and I'm sure you'll be a great mom.

Good luck

 

Thank you so very much. I really appreciate the kind words and support.

 

I have had some really positive things happen: I am being transferred to a less stressful environment at work in a new area where I will be trained. This will be very helpful for promotional purposes and the job market in the future when my contract ends. More training= more money! Also, as I stated before, I have a ridiculous amount of student loans, but one is eligible for a 2 year deferment. Yay! Yes, interest applies, but by then, I will have all of my credit cards and my car paid off and will be eligible for a higher paying job. And last but not least (sort of positive). Father of the baby sent a text yesterday asking how my ultrasound went. I was able to tell him it went well and show him the picture without feeling like a psycho. It made me think that maybe he will get his head out of his butt, but it's bittersweet too because my mind wanted to travel to the fairytale ending of him coming around and us being a family. Huge no-no. Also, I was feeling much better about him not being around and then of course, wham! The text message came. Oh well...we will see how that one plays out. Not too worried about it.

 

Now if only I can get these headaches to go away. My goodness. I would take morning sickness any day over these

[turnera]

Have you tried yoga or meditation for the headaches?

[Iguanna]

I'm really happy for your good news about the job. See your baby is already bringing you good luck Regarding the father, I will tell you that there are guys who can\t cope with the fact of them becoming fathers really easily, but after a while and when they see the fact of the pregnancy can't change they start to realize it and maybe at the end they accept it (I know a case like this, the guy got crazy pushing her to have an abortion but when she got like 5 months pregnant they got married and now they live happily together and he is the best dad). So if you have feelings for this person and you think he'll be a good parent, I suggest you should give him the space and time he needs to come to the realization that he is gonna be a dad and keep in your mind that maybe he will change his mind. It's hard to resist to a baby and especially if it's yours

 

Regarding the headaches, most of them are due to psychological reasons. Try to be calm and relaxed. If you need support or someone to talk to, I'm happy to be there for you

[scorpio1978]

Have you tried yoga or meditation for the headaches?

 

 

 

I have not tried any of that, but think it would be a good idea for well being overall. The headache stopped yesterday and I did not get woken up with one, so I am hoping it was just a fluke.

[scorpio1978]

I'm really happy for your good news about the job. See your baby is already bringing you good luck Regarding the father, I will tell you that there are guys who can\t cope with the fact of them becoming fathers really easily, but after a while and when they see the fact of the pregnancy can't change they start to realize it and maybe at the end they accept it (I know a case like this, the guy got crazy pushing her to have an abortion but when she got like 5 months pregnant they got married and now they live happily together and he is the best dad). So if you have feelings for this person and you think he'll be a good parent, I suggest you should give him the space and time he needs to come to the realization that he is gonna be a dad and keep in your mind that maybe he will change his mind. It's hard to resist to a baby and especially if it's yours

 

Regarding the headaches, most of them are due to psychological reasons. Try to be calm and relaxed. If you need support or someone to talk to, I'm happy to be there for you

 

 

Thank you very much! I appreciate it. As far as the dad goes, I am doing my best to just get him out of my head and not think of scenarios or anything like that. I have found that each time that I let it all go and feel better, that's when he comes in and surprises me. So, I am not considering him as anything more than a transient human in my life. For all I know, he could have asked about the ultrasound as a means to prove I am not lying and not because he actually cares. He does things that really make no sense and do not have the same meaning to most people. Like, having him meet his family..it was no big deal to him. Asking me on a couple's trip...again, didn't mean anything. I think that is where a lot of women get tripped up. They look for some hidden meaning in a man's actions. What is not hidden with this one is that he flat out told me that he is not ready for a relationship and doesn't see us ever being in one like a family. No hidden meaning there. So, I am not stealing attention away from my little one and giving it to someone who doesn't want it and really doesn't deserve it.

[juicygirl]

It's sad that we live in a world that makes it's o.k for men to leave their children. I hate hearing that rubbish line of "she tried to trapped me",because if you don't want a baby ,seriously,put something on the end of it. Even if she's your girlfriend and you've been dating years, it's the mans responsibility too. Also, I've seen married men run away from fatherhood too, it was just too much work for some men.My point is marriage isn't a magic solution, but I do agree a child is best brought in to a stable relationship, with two parents. This is not what this is, but lets do our best to offer support not judge. The deed is done.

 

 

You'll be fine. I never had a connection with my babies until birth, I hate being pregnant, it's awful. Once the baby is born you'll get a rush of happiness/love, were your body releases endorphins to make you bond/fall in love with your baby. Normally it happened right after labour, but can be delay a few days, especially if you have a c-section.

 

You're be fine. xoxo hugs

[juicygirl]

Oh I forgot to say. Join a parenting forum. BabyandBump, Mumnet or babycentre you'll get a lot more understanding and support from other mummies.

 

 

Bless x

[pink_sugar]

It's sad that we live in a world that makes it's o.k for men to leave their children. I hate hearing that rubbish line of "she tried to trapped me",because if you don't want a baby ,seriously,put something on the end of it. Even if she's your girlfriend and you've been dating years, it's the mans responsibility too. Also, I've seen married men run away from fatherhood too, it was just too much work for some men.My point is marriage isn't a magic solution, but I do agree a child is best brought in to a stable relationship, with two parents. This is not what this is, but lets do our best to offer support not judge. The deed is done.

 

 

You'll be fine. I never had a connection with my babies until birth, I hate being pregnant, it's awful. Once the baby is born you'll get a rush of happiness/love, were your body releases endorphins to make you bond/fall in love with your baby. Normally it happened right after labour, but can be delay a few days, especially if you have a c-section.

 

You're be fine. xoxo hugs

 

I agree, but when a woman lies about being on birth control (other thread, different OP), I can understand the resentment that may cause as well as a breech of trust. And you should be able to trust your partner. I'm glad my husband can trust that I am responsible and on birth control. I use the shot which is even more effective than the pill...no need for any other birth control since we've been married almost 6 years and trust each other immensely. With the shot it's also harder to get pregnant intentionally...it's not like the pill where you can just stop and get pregnant right away.

[scorpio1978]

So just an update...I received a phone call bright and early this morning from the baby's father. I am not sure what it is with him and super early Monday morning contact, but ok. Even when we were seeing each other, he would hardly ever call me. He is a text kind of person. I thought he pocket dialed, so answered reluctantly, but lo and behold, he was on the other line asking me if we could sit down and talk a little more. He was quite kind and it was a civil, two minute conversation. I was nervous and started rambling, but it seems like he has some things to say. In my opinion, if it was anything negative like filing for custody or discussing money issues, he would just talk over the phone, but he actually wants to meet face to face. Maybe he wants to be involved after all. I will believe it when I see it though....

[bentleychic]

Best wishes, Scorpio!

[Iguanna]

I'm happy for you. I kinda knew that he would change his mind at the end. Best wishes!

[scorpio1978]

I'm happy for you. I kinda knew that he would change his mind at the end. Best wishes!

 

Well thank you, but he is the king of hot and cold, so I am not sure what will come of a discussion, if anything . He is laying the groundwork for an adult conversation though, which I appreciate. Since I wrote him off, if he does want to be involved in some manner, it would be unexpected help. The anticipation is high, but he moves at a snail's pace so if we go through with a conversation, I imagine it will be a month from now.

[Jules78]

Let's stop living in a fantasy world here by simply saying that a two parent home is the best for a child. Just because a home has a mother and father that does not mean that they have two totally engaged parents who are free from conflict and do nothing but spread joy and love in their homes and onto their children.

 

Many children living with single moms have other important adults in their lives. Granparents, aunts, uncules, cousins, teachers, etc. who care about them and make sure they know it. Most single moms will have a large network of friends and relatives and neighbors who care about them and their children. Many children of single moms have the stability and security of a loving parent and a supportive network.

 

Anyway, if the dad does decide to be in the child's life then of course that is great for the child. He doesn't have to be with the mom to be involved with the child.

 

But, if he chooses otherwise, it's not the end of the world!! It can be done. My son is six years old and he is doing just fine.