Going to be a single mom

[Janesays]

 

Many children living with single moms have other important adults in their lives. Granparents, aunts, uncules, cousins, teachers, etc. who care about them and make sure they know it. Most single moms will have a large network of friends and relatives and neighbors who care about them and their children. Many children of single moms have the stability and security of a loving parent and a supportive network.

 

I wish you would stop saying "most" single Mom's have plenty of resources and that "most" children raised by single Mom's do well....unless you have the research and stats to back up those claims. Which you don't.

 

The truth is, the research and statistic say that children raised in a single parent homes have higher rates of criminology, learning disabilities, behavioral issues, mental illnesses and depression, and live well below the poverty line. That is fact. Backed up by buckets of research.

 

And I'm sure the kids, if given the choice, would rather have a Father in their life than a stepdad or 'father figure' any day of the week. Case in point?

 

A Troubled Boy Was Asked A Pointed Question From The Drill Sergeant. Nobody Expected This Reply [W/VIDEO] ? truthseekerdaily.com

 

So if the OP has the opportunity to form a working parenting partnership with her child's father, I think she should embrace it fully and do what ever it takes to make it work. Because it IS in the best interest of her child that that Father sticks around.

 

Now, if he won't, he won't. And she has to make the best of a bad situation. But do not dismiss or minimize what she is about to go through. Single Mother's don't have it easy and if more people realized that, maybe more people (Namely: Fathers) would start stepping up into the plate instead of high tailing it and assuming everything is going to be just dandy.

[Iguanna]

Omg I had tears when the kid said "I have no daddy":(

 

I agree with Janesays, BUT I have great respect for Jules raising her child alone.

[Janesays]

Omg I had tears when the kid said "I have no daddy":(

 

I agree with Janesays, BUT I have great respect for Jules raising her child alone.

 

Anyone who can go it alone and not flub it completely deserves some kudos.

[Jules78]

I wish you would stop saying "most" single Mom's have plenty of resources and that "most" children raised by single Mom's do well....unless you have the research and stats to back up those claims. Which you don't.

 

The truth is, the research and statistic say that children raised in a single parent homes have higher rates of criminology, learning disabilities, behavioral issues, mental illnesses and depression, and live well below the poverty line. That is fact. Backed up by buckets of research.

 

And I'm sure the kids, if given the choice, would rather have a Father in their life than a stepdad or 'father figure' any day of the week. Case in point?

 

A Troubled Boy Was Asked A Pointed Question From The Drill Sergeant. Nobody Expected This Reply [W/VIDEO] ? truthseekerdaily.com

 

So if the OP has the opportunity to form a working parenting partnership with her child's father, I think she should embrace it fully and do what ever it takes to make it work. Because it IS in the best interest of her child that that Father sticks around.

 

Now, if he won't, he won't. And she has to make the best of a bad situation. But do not dismiss or minimize what she is about to go through. Single Mother's don't have it easy and if more people realized that, maybe more people (Namely: Fathers) would start stepping up into the plate instead of high tailing it and assuming everything is going to be just dandy.

 

Okay, some do.

 

I agree that if he is around and willing to make it work then that is what would be best for the child. However, it is not the end of the world if he decides to be a dead beat. It can be done and the child can grow up to be a wonderful person.

 

I'm a single mom. I know it isn't easy. It takes hard, unselfish work. And I love every minute of it.

[Iguanna]

Okay, some do.

 

I don't doubt your effort and your success on this, but I have to say, nobody should gamble with a kid's feelings. "Some" is not enough for me when it comes to my child, you know what I mean?

[fluffyfluff]

A single mum is a very complex life. It's a very hard strain. Of course the child is worth it. It's lonely yes, because there is no father. Financially it's not the best but its doable. Then the baby gets a new father one day and questions arise from the past. It's simply one of the most heart breaking and soul destroying things Im yet to witness. It's like carrying to broken hearts everyday along with all the stress and pressure and lack of sleep.

 

All your friends will change. Everything will.

 

Nothing is more rewarding than your baby in your arms.

 

It's beautiful independent and free. You will be fine but it is a hard road.

 

Child support - you need it.

 

A father - your baby needs it.

 

Access, the worst thing in the world I've had to deal with, being I don't get along with the ex.

[Iguanna]

How is it going scorpio?

[scorpio1978]

Thanks for asking!

 

 

Sorry, folks. I have been out of touch, not feeling well with morning sickness and trying to sort myself out.

 

A week after I sent the ultrasound picture, the father finally responded and asked if we could sit down and talk more. I am not sure if I mentioned that, but I agreed and of course had to be the one after a week to set it up. He said we should get used to talking to each other a lot to which I replied "do we? because the last time I saw you, you were walking out of my life after demanding I have an abortion and you weren't on board with this pregnancy." He replied "well, I am on board and I do want to be a part of our baby's life". Came out of nowhere, certainly. So, we met up and talked and I am not sure if it's my hormones or what but all the butterflies in my stomach came back and the fuzzy feelings of love for this man circled. Must be the hormones because nobody in their right mind would love someone after the crap he has pulled.

 

Don't worry, that got sorted out quickly when he said he flat out doesn't want to be together and deep down, I know it would be wrong, but there is just this gaping hole of wanting the father of my baby as my partner and it’s hard to not have that. As angry as I am and as much as I know in the long run, it’s for the best, it breaks my heart that he can move on so quickly and not have any issues with bringing another around my child. That was something we discussed too and I am sure I sounded like a jealous freak, but I just cannot handle that thought yet. Yes, there is time, but I am a planner and think more about the future than the now.

 

Seems he had two friends talk to him and put things into perspective and he came around when he realized that they were right, he would regret not being involved. Whatever works I guess. He said he is very excited and told his family who are excited also. He has an aunt and uncle here who want to be involved and help when I need it too. I am thankful but my pride wont allow me to ask them for anything and I feel like he is pawning me off on them.

 

 

 

The baby’s father is in the military and will be leaving for the middle east for anywhere from 3 months to a full year. He leaves in 3 weeks. Yeah, nice little bomb he dropped. So, I will be a single mom, but only sometimes and then when he comes back and decides to come around, I won’t be. Yikes. Seems more complicated than it was before.

 

 

Look, I know I should be grateful, but I am really hurt and just want a family. I want a partner in this to be there physically and emotionally. I didn’t want things to play out like this and am not sure how to handle this, that’s all.

 

 

 

There is so much I need to get out and say and I have tried to be candid with the father, but he just doesn’t get it and doesn’t understand. I come across like a needy nut job. But, that’s me for right now.

Edited December 4, 2013 by scorpio1978
wrote in a word document and pasted- font was messed up

[pink_sugar]

I knew he would come around. How long is he enlisted in the military? Is he doing it long-term career wise or for short term? You can't really blame him for that if you already knew what his career entails (I am assuming you've known he's been in the military). Unfortunately, that's what you sign up for when you're serious with someone in the military.

[Iguanna]

Honey first of all calm down, you are not alone. I'm sure you have some family or close friends to support you, I would also suggest that you would visit a psychologist and talk about these thoughts and worries, I'm sure a professional will give you another perspective and will help you figure out some things. I can understand that you are scared at the moment, but keep in mind that when the baby is born things will get better, you will find your routine, the father will show how and how much he wants to get involved, now what scares you most is the unknown. When you put everything in a row and you get in a routine you will feel more comfortable with everything. Regarding the aunt and uncle of his, don't throw away some help that is offered, cause this help is offered to your kid actually and you can use all the support and help that is given to you, no matter the reason. Why do you mention pride? Did you do a crime to get pregnant? He is as responsible for this as you are. Learn to take all the help given to you. It's really important. And think that he would be away even if you were together. Now regarding having another woman close to your kid, that's really premature to think. Don't stress yourself with thoughts that go ahead far. Take it day by day, week by week. Things will find their rythm and you will manage. One day you will meet another person as well and he may want to be the father of your child. Maybe now this seems too far away to be true, but you never know when love and luck will knock on your door. We are here to support you! Don't lose faith! Take care of your health, we want your baby to be healthy

[scorpio1978]

I knew he would come around. How long is he enlisted in the military? Is he doing it long-term career wise or for short term? You can't really blame him for that if you already knew what his career entails (I am assuming you've known he's been in the military). Unfortunately, that's what you sign up for when you're serious with someone in the military.

 

 

 

I knew he was in the military and I have dated military men before who have deployed and came back. It's no big deal. I get that part. It's just different now with our relationship the way it is, a baby coming around, and the long term in regards to him moving and us not going. People do it all the time, but I never thought it would be me.

 

 

I am a big planner, in case you haven't figured that out, and I am used to having things thrown my way that I end up handling well, but this is different in that there are too many variables. He told me I am over-thinking. Maybe I am.

 

 

He does plan on staying in the military, so I had better get used to him not being here very often.

[scorpio1978]

Honey first of all calm down, you are not alone. I'm sure you have some family or close friends to support you, I would also suggest that you would visit a psychologist and talk about these thoughts and worries, I'm sure a professional will give you another perspective and will help you figure out some things. I can understand that you are scared at the moment, but keep in mind that when the baby is born things will get better, you will find your routine, the father will show how and how much he wants to get involved, now what scares you most is the unknown. When you put everything in a row and you get in a routine you will feel more comfortable with everything. Regarding the aunt and uncle of his, don't throw away some help that is offered, cause this help is offered to your kid actually and you can use all the support and help that is given to you, no matter the reason. Why do you mention pride? Did you do a crime to get pregnant? He is as responsible for this as you are. Learn to take all the help given to you. It's really important. And think that he would be away even if you were together. Now regarding having another woman close to your kid, that's really premature to think. Don't stress yourself with thoughts that go ahead far. Take it day by day, week by week. Things will find their rythm and you will manage. One day you will meet another person as well and he may want to be the father of your child. Maybe now this seems too far away to be true, but you never know when love and luck will knock on your door. We are here to support you! Don't lose faith! Take care of your health, we want your baby to be healthy

 

 

 

Thank you! I just need to be more flexible I suppose and not so black and white. He is gray all the way and basically has the "whatever, I will deal with it when it happens" attitude which works for a lot of things, but not so much with a baby. Part of this whole thing is me having to have to wrap my brain around how the fairytale of a mom and dad together is not my norm and reasons we aren't together are real. There is no movie like ending here. Things are going to be difficult and lonely and I am going to have to learn to coexist with him and not want to strangle him because he is so complacent and distant. That's life.

 

 

I am going to give this a shot though. It's his baby too and whenever he refers to it, it's "our baby", so I need to let him do his thing and be a dad the best way he knows how I suppose, but am fully prepared to step it up where he is lacking. It's just what needs to be done.

 

 

So, the pride thing...I am not sure where it came from. It's just how I am wired and have been since I was a toddler my family says. I have always worked better on my own, doing things better by myself, etc. I realize there is no shame in asking for help. I just would rather work myself to the bone and try to do it on my own before I even think of asking someone for something. Maybe that is where the child support thing came in. I wanted to be able to say "you know what, jerk? Go ahead and walk away. Nobody needs you. I can do this perfectly on my own". But, trust me, I do realize how unreasonable that is and this "I will show them" attitude really isn't showing anyone anything. So, that's a start.

 

 

I like routines and am looking forward to getting into one and hopefully that will help. I do feel better after talking to him, though he didn't offer much in regards to reassurance. It was nice that he listened. We are going to have to get used to communicating and there are going to be days where I have concerns that I will need to speak to him about, so better to pave the way now than later.

 

 

I mentioned him with other women, because, well, let's face it..the guy has moved on. I have not yet. I hope to sooner rather than later, but just haven't. It is early and you never know what will happen, but in addition to a healthy baby, I want the partner at home and by my side. Not with someone else, playing house with my baby. It's an immature way of thinking, but that's what I have right now.

[Got it]

As far as filing for child support, go ahead and do it as that is your legal right. However, do not think for one second that you will then retain the 'right' to keep him from seeing her if he does so desire. The courts will not allow it and even if you could...it is morally wrong to take part of the man's paycheck and refuse to let him see his kid.

 

Unfortunately, once his wages are being garnished, he likely will decide 'why not' and file for visitation. And yes, this means he will able to breeze in and out of her life if he so desires.

 

Your only shot at keeping him away for good is keeping his name off the birth certificate, not filing, and crossing your fingers.

 

You have to weigh what is more important: extra money or keeping him out of your child's life. I don't know the guy so I personally can't answer that question for you. My guess is it is going to take some hard thinking on your part.

 

I really wish people didn't continue pushing this fallacy. First off, he has the right to visit with his child regardless of him paying child support. There are many parents who are in default of their child support and it is illegal for the other parent to block their visitation. So whether or not he files for visitation is up to him.

 

Good luck OP! I know a number of women, both married and not married, who questioned their pregnancy when they were pregnant but shake their heads in disbelief now.

[turnera]

He does plan on staying in the military, so I had better get used to him not being here very often.

 

Probably a good thing. That way, the baby will grow up understanding that the 'reason' his dad isn't around much is that the military says so.

 

This may sound crazy to you right now, but I think that this might be a good opportunity for you for picking a new partner (later, not now!). Why? Because you'll be able to weed out all the jerks who won't have anything to do with you just because you DO have a baby, and you'll see who's left standing - guys who have no problem with that and just want to love you and who love anything to do with you, including your child.

[Janesays]

I really wish people didn't continue pushing this fallacy. First off, he has the right to visit with his child regardless of him paying child support. There are many parents who are in default of their child support and it is illegal for the other parent to block their visitation. So whether or not he files for visitation is up to him.

 

Good luck OP! I know a number of women, both married and not married, who questioned their pregnancy when they were pregnant but shake their heads in disbelief now.

 

I dont think my post means what you think it means.

[stillafool]

I really wish people didn't continue pushing this fallacy. First off, he has the right to visit with his child regardless of him paying child support. There are many parents who are in default of their child support and it is illegal for the other parent to block their visitation. So whether or not he files for visitation is up to him.

 

Good luck OP! I know a number of women, both married and not married, who questioned their pregnancy when they were pregnant but shake their heads in disbelief now.

 

Really!? Why is this?

[Got it]

Really!? Why is this?

 

Why? Because that is the law.

[Got it]

I dont think my post means what you think it means.

 

You may have been running with that information in a slightly different vein, but the it still doesn't change that the above was not correct. If he wants visitation, he will be granted some level of visitation unless it can be shown he is a harm to the child.

 

So telling the OP that if she doesn't push support then that will protect her from him wanting to see the child is erroneous.

 

And the idea that a man doesn't, at least, financially support his child is just abysmal.

[writergal]

OP,

 

Do you like making lists? Now would be the time to make a list divided into categories to help you plan ahead:

 

1) Support system of family and friends (pride aside, right?) for post-birth support time: help you for the first 1-3 months at home.

 

2) Non-profit agencies with funding/grants to help single mothers and the programs and support that they offer (some are low-income based but most will help any single mother who needs the support)

 

3) Economize: you said that you have student loan payments and a new car payment. Put yourself on a budget now and make a budget for every single expense (baby, car, student loan, grocery, rent/mortgage, savings, entertainment, clothing, gas mileage)

 

4) Student loans: time to call your lender and change your loan repayments (I have student loans and just deferred mine). Make sure you do this, so that you can lower or defer your payments BEFORE the baby comes. This isn't something you want to put off until after you have the baby. Best to get that in order now. If you need documentation from your doctor or employer or bank, get that, then fax it in after you speak with a representative about the options available to you.

 

5) Healthcare: do you have insurance through your job? Is maternity leave covered? Make sure you know the details of your employer's healthcare plan for maternity leave, otherwise you'll have to check into your state's state healthcare plans. With the new healthcare law, your medical expenses and birth costs will be covered. No hospital can deny you care.

 

6) Baby shower: definitely have one so that you stock up on baby supplies and celebrate this wonderful new baby who will change your life for the better, forever.

 

7) Mental health: great that you are seeing a therapist right now. Think about getting a Doula to help you for the emotional and physical support you'll need throughout your pregnancy. They are extremely resourceful too so if you need to get connected to resources for single mothers to help you financially or for baby supplies, Doulas are great resources for that.

 

8) Job: Since you have a stable job, you should be eligible for a maternity leave.

 

I'm sure there are more list categories you could add, but I think you are on the right track. It's unfortunate that your ex doesn't want to continue his relationship with you but in the long run, this is a good thing b/c he doesn't sound like he'd be a reliable father figure to your child, if he's hot and cold with you. The world is overpopulated with single men who will want to be with you and your child and who will be a better choice. Right now, your focus should be on yourself and getting ready for this bundle of joy to come into your life. Congratulations and good luck with everything!

[Janesays]

You may have been running with that information in a slightly different vein, but the it still doesn't change that the above was not correct. If he wants visitation, he will be granted some level of visitation unless it can be shown he is a harm to the child.

 

So telling the OP that if she doesn't push support then that will protect her from him wanting to see the child is erroneous.

 

And the idea that a man doesn't, at least, financially support his child is just abysmal.

 

Yep. Didn't get it at all.

[scorpio1978]

Probably a good thing. That way, the baby will grow up understanding that the 'reason' his dad isn't around much is that the military says so.

 

This may sound crazy to you right now, but I think that this might be a good opportunity for you for picking a new partner (later, not now!). Why? Because you'll be able to weed out all the jerks who won't have anything to do with you just because you DO have a baby, and you'll see who's left standing - guys who have no problem with that and just want to love you and who love anything to do with you, including your child.

 

 

You are right on the money! Funny, I said this to a friend of mine that having a baby automatically puts up this screening system where I will not because I cannot tolerate any fair-weather kind of guy who wants a fling and is not interested in anything more serious in the long run. I will not subject myself to the heartache and will not allow a man who is not good for my child to come into my life. I am with you on this one.

 

 

Oddly enough, I have been asked out twice by decent, stand-up guys who knew I was pregnant. It's just not the right time, though it did make me feel better. In a moment of trying to be friends with the baby's dad, I did mention that, laughing about it. He responded "You should have gone!". And this, folks, is just one of the many, many ways that we are different. It's too weird to me.

[scorpio1978]

I really wish people didn't continue pushing this fallacy. First off, he has the right to visit with his child regardless of him paying child support. There are many parents who are in default of their child support and it is illegal for the other parent to block their visitation. So whether or not he files for visitation is up to him.

 

Good luck OP! I know a number of women, both married and not married, who questioned their pregnancy when they were pregnant but shake their heads in disbelief now.

 

 

 

Thanks. We have decided to be amicable and try our best to handle things maturely without having to run to a court system to mediate. Do not get me wrong, it's there for a reason and I think women are very smart to secure a child support plan and visitation. So, I am not faulting anyone for doing that. I was thinking about it and there may come a day when I regret being so nice.

 

 

He has agreed to help out financially and regularly. With a legally drafted child support request, I couldn't ask for a certain amount, say for the daycare only. In order to have a certain amount that was fair all around, we would have to draft up legal documents expressing our wishes.

 

 

We have agreed to have him pay for the childcare with the understanding that he cannot take his sweet time and pay when he "gets around to it", that this needs to be a timely, organized system. I did tell him that if things start getting messy with that, that I will file legally. I should not have to call him and ask him for money and that I will not be reduced to that.

 

 

Again, I am trying to give him a chance, which sometimes I think is more than he deserves, but I do have back-up plans if things go to the wayside.

[pink_sugar]

Why? Because that is the law.

 

This is true. My aunt didn't pay any child support and she still had visitation rights. However, my cousin's father could easily take it away from her if he said she was mentally unstable (she has bi-polar). While one parent is fully responsible for a child, including financially, the other parent can still have visitation rights.

[Iguanna]

You are right on the money! Funny, I said this to a friend of mine that having a baby automatically puts up this screening system where I will not because I cannot tolerate any fair-weather kind of guy who wants a fling and is not interested in anything more serious in the long run. I will not subject myself to the heartache and will not allow a man who is not good for my child to come into my life. I am with you on this one.

 

Or, as I like to call it, "filter" the good from the bad. I filter them for various reasons though. I'm kinda weird

[scorpio1978]

OP,

 

Do you like making lists? Now would be the time to make a list divided into categories to help you plan ahead:

 

1) Support system of family and friends (pride aside, right?) for post-birth support time: help you for the first 1-3 months at home.

 

2) Non-profit agencies with funding/grants to help single mothers and the programs and support that they offer (some are low-income based but most will help any single mother who needs the support)

 

3) Economize: you said that you have student loan payments and a new car payment. Put yourself on a budget now and make a budget for every single expense (baby, car, student loan, grocery, rent/mortgage, savings, entertainment, clothing, gas mileage)

 

4) Student loans: time to call your lender and change your loan repayments (I have student loans and just deferred mine). Make sure you do this, so that you can lower or defer your payments BEFORE the baby comes. This isn't something you want to put off until after you have the baby. Best to get that in order now. If you need documentation from your doctor or employer or bank, get that, then fax it in after you speak with a representative about the options available to you.

 

5) Healthcare: do you have insurance through your job? Is maternity leave covered? Make sure you know the details of your employer's healthcare plan for maternity leave, otherwise you'll have to check into your state's state healthcare plans. With the new healthcare law, your medical expenses and birth costs will be covered. No hospital can deny you care.

 

6) Baby shower: definitely have one so that you stock up on baby supplies and celebrate this wonderful new baby who will change your life for the better, forever.

 

7) Mental health: great that you are seeing a therapist right now. Think about getting a Doula to help you for the emotional and physical support you'll need throughout your pregnancy. They are extremely resourceful too so if you need to get connected to resources for single mothers to help you financially or for baby supplies, Doulas are great resources for that.

 

8) Job: Since you have a stable job, you should be eligible for a maternity leave.

 

I'm sure there are more list categories you could add, but I think you are on the right track. It's unfortunate that your ex doesn't want to continue his relationship with you but in the long run, this is a good thing b/c he doesn't sound like he'd be a reliable father figure to your child, if he's hot and cold with you. The world is overpopulated with single men who will want to be with you and your child and who will be a better choice. Right now, your focus should be on yourself and getting ready for this bundle of joy to come into your life. Congratulations and good luck with everything!

 

 

 

I love lists! I will start with my own right in in response.

 

 

1.) Support system: I have a really good one. My best one is in the military though too and she and her husband will be moving around the time the baby is born, unfortunately. But, I do have people I can reach out to and his offer of his aunt and uncle to be there is I need anything may come into play. I just feel weird asking. I only met them 2-3 times. We'll see.

 

 

2.) Non-profit agencies? Ehhh...I just feel like I don't have rights to that. I am not low income at all and I have a pretty luxurious life just based off of where I live and the lifestyle I have created. I did that without the thought of a baby of course and can afford my life now, but not with a baby too. So, changes will be made.

 

 

3.) Economize: I took on a weekend job a few months ago. I work in healthcare, so it's a few hours on a Saturday. I hate it and won't be able to do it when the baby is born, but the extra money has gone to paying off bills, which I have been doing. I also have not gone on any shopping sprees for myself. Everything I have bought so far is for the baby and bought at discount, holiday prices.

 

 

4.) Student loans: Yikes. This is the stick part. I had a huge sign on bonus with my job and partial tuition reimbursement with partial being quite a small amount, but did get some help. I have deferred some loans, but many of them are private, not federal, and therefore do not play by the same rules. I have consolidated, gotten lower interest rates, and deferred, but they need to be paid back some time, you know?

 

 

5.) Healthcare: I have 100% for myself and my child. For now. if I switch jobs, that will all change, but I am good for now. I get 6 weeks maternity leave too.

 

 

6.) Baby shower: Can I be honest? I don't want one! I hate being the center of attention and I don't want to celebrate having a baby with someone under these circumstances. I know, I need to get over it, but I just feel funny about it. I have made a list on Amazon of all the things I want to get and have been buying a little here and there and getting the lowest prices possible. If people would like to buy a gift, I will gladly accept their kindness, but shower? Not right now...

 

 

7.) Doula! Yes. I have been looking into that for possibly being there for the delivery too. I have friends who say they will be there, but you never know. I gotta have back up plans. There is a small chance the father will be home, but I doubt it and he said he feels "Squeamish" about the birth. Jackass Mental health: yep, working on that too.

 

 

Oh, that was fun! I am going to go make some more lists!