Moving on !!!

[Helen A]

What ADVICE are you willing to take?

 

 

Advice on how to move on without disclosing.

 

Ive been reading some books/doing NC/ but I'm still thinking about it.

[Owl]

Advice on how to move on without disclosing.

 

Ive been reading some books/doing NC/ but I'm still thinking about it.

 

Fair enough.

 

Divorce seems to be your best bet in that regard then.

 

No requirement of honesty if you're no longer married.

 

But, I cannot in good conscience recommend reconciliation working/on your marriage on the basis of a lie...on the basis of not disclosing. So given that, all I can suggest to you is divorce, and therapy.

[James-London]

Just to respond to your last post aimed at me. Speaking for myself (although others may also agree), the reason I feel you are treating me like my cheating WW is OBVIOUSLY not because you have cheated on me. I have never even met you.

 

The reason you remind me of my ex is because you keep changing your story and can't get your facts straight. Many other posters have pointed this out. It is a REAL shame that this had to be spelt out to you in such blunt words. That is why you are getting under my skin.... I trust that makes sense now. I will certainly not resort to name calling, because that would not be the gentlemanly thing to do.... (plus I sort of feel I'm flying the flag for Britain on this forum too! ;-) ).

 

Please remember that there are many vulnerable people on this forum and it is important to behave in respectful manner to everyone.

[anne1707]

Yes because as I have said to not do so would make it all suspicious.

 

I haven't spoken to him since the last time the last BBQ and I haven't text tim in weeks .

 

No we haven't seen them since then.

 

You are therefore contradicting yourself yet again as you said in your last thread that you would think of an excuse (i.e. lie some more) to tell your husband to end the friendship. You are totally incapable of continuing this "friendship" - you are not strong enough to resist the MOM if he says the right thing to you. This is blatantly obvious to just about everyone except you.

 

You cannot say that you are doing NC. NC would mean NC on a permanent basis. Socialising with him and his wife is so far from NC, it is off the scale (apart from being just sick).

 

Also what point is just reading a few books if you do nothing else. How are you supposed to work on your marriage if your husband does not even know that there is a problem. After all there must have been problems for you to have had the affair. How do you plan to address those? How do you plan to develop your coping skills and your ability to communicate your needs?

 

Your pathetic head in the sand attitude is getting you nowhere. You are making exactly the same kind of posts as you did when you came here months ago. You have not learnt a thing. In fact all you have done is make things far worse yet you continue this same path.

 

I have not got a clue why any of us bother to try and help you. You don't want our help really. You just post the same thing over and over again about how it ended because the MOM treated you badly and not because you have treated your husband badly. You are selfish, uncaring and cruel.

[Helen A]

Just to respond to your last post aimed at me. Speaking for myself (although others may also agree), the reason I feel you are treating me like my cheating WW is OBVIOUSLY not because you have cheated on me. I have never even met you.

 

The reason you remind me of my ex is because you keep changing your story and can't get your facts straight. Many other posters have pointed this out. It is a REAL shame that this had to be spelt out to you in such blunt words. That is why you are getting under my skin.... I trust that makes sense now. I will certainly not resort to name calling, because that would not be the gentlemanly thing to do.... (plus I sort of feel I'm flying the flag for Britain on this forum too! ;-) ).

 

Please remember that there are many vulnerable people on this forum and it is important to behave in respectful manner to everyone.

 

My facts are all straight I haven't lied here at all. Why would I need to?

YOU came in and attacked me said I was getting under your skin. Is that a respectful thing to say I wonder?

It's a public forum and I can post what I like .

You don't have to respond if I get under your skin that much.

[Helen A]

Just to respond to your last post aimed at me. Speaking for myself (although others may also agree), the reason I feel you are treating me like my cheating WW is OBVIOUSLY not because you have cheated on me. I have never even met you.

 

The reason you remind me of my ex is because you keep changing your story and can't get your facts straight. Many other posters have pointed this out. It is a REAL shame that this had to be spelt out to you in such blunt words. That is why you are getting under my skin.... I trust that makes sense now. I will certainly not resort to name calling, because that would not be the gentlemanly thing to do.... (plus I sort of feel I'm flying the flag for Britain on this forum too! ;-) ).

 

Please remember that there are many vulnerable people on this forum and it is important to behave in respectful manner to everyone.

 

You are therefore contradicting yourself yet again as you said in your last thread that you would think of an excuse (i.e. lie some more) to tell your husband to end the friendship. You are totally incapable of continuing this "friendship" - you are not strong enough to resist the MOM if he says the right thing to you. This is blatantly obvious to just about everyone except you.

 

You cannot say that you are doing NC. NC would mean NC on a permanent basis. Socialising with him and his wife is so far from NC, it is off the scale (apart from being just sick).

 

Also what point is just reading a few books if you do nothing else. How are you supposed to work on your marriage if your husband does not even know that there is a problem. After all there must have been problems for you to have had the affair. How do you plan to address those? How do you plan to develop your coping skills and your ability to communicate your needs?

 

Your pathetic head in the sand attitude is getting you nowhere. You are making exactly the same kind of posts as you did when you came here months ago. You have not learnt a thing. In fact all you have done is make things far worse yet you continue this same path.

 

I have not got a clue why any of us bother to try and help you. You don't want our help really. You just post the same thing over and over again about how it ended because the MOM treated you badly and not because you have treated your husband badly. You are selfish, uncaring and cruel.

 

 

It's nice that you've had me hung drawn and quartered here Anne - if I was uncaring and cruel why would I want to try to fix my marriage if I WAs I just wouldn't give a damn and I'd admit it wouldn't i , if I was THAt cruel.

 

I don't think that you want to help me either you just want to preach at me and put me down because I don't want to do what you suggest I should or at least not all of it. It's your way or no way.

 

I didn't have a bloody 3 year physical affair if I had then yes I'd confess it's been two silly occasions and so what if I'm upset/ hung up on how he treated me?

I can FEEL how I want to feel.

 

I have taken on some good advice such as the books, nc, etcetera and yes I am thinking of something to say to not hang out as much so I'm not contradicting myself at all.

 

But I will NOT be called names and belittled by posting on a PuBLIC forum asking for advice on moving on because I DONT want to confess.

 

You don't want to help me you just want to attack me on my threads.

For sum reason? I have no idea why.

 

My situation wasn't the same as yours

 

I KNOW how badly I've behaved and of course I care about my husband.

[anne1707]

It's nice that you've had me hung drawn and quartered here Anne - if I was uncaring and cruel why would I want to try to fix my marriage if I WAs I just wouldn't give a damn and I'd admit it wouldn't i , if I was THAt cruel.

 

It is cruel of you to continue this friendship. You are being cruel to both your husband and his wife. You are rubbing their noses in your sh*t.

 

I don't think that you want to help me either you just want to preach at me and put me down because I don't want to do what you suggest I should or at least not all of it. It's your way or no way.

 

I have been trying to help you for almost 4 months now. As have many others. As for doing it your way, look where it has got you so far. You had not even kissed him when you first poste here.

 

I didn't have a bloody 3 year physical affair if I had then yes I'd confess

 

Like it. You don't like what I say so you try to undermine me. Cool.

 

it's been two silly occasions and so what if I'm upset/ hung up on how he treated me? I can FEEL how I want to feel.

 

To call it "silly" is now undermining what you have done. If it was just "silly" then you should be able to easily tell your H. Do you think he would describe your affair as "silly"?

 

And yes you can feel exactly how you feel but you need to realise that whilst you feel this way, there is no chance to progress on your marriage. I know this because I have been where you are now.

 

I have taken on some good advice such as the books, nc, etcetera and yes I am thinking of something to say to not hang out as much so I'm not contradicting myself at all.

 

You have taken on the easiet and also the least effective advice. You have chosen not to do the hardest things which could benefit you most. You really do need to do NC. Imagine how you would feel in your husband's shoes if you found out that he had allowed you to socialise with someone he had an affair with.

 

But I will NOT be called names and belittled by posting on a PuBLIC forum asking for advice on moving on because I DONT want to confess.

 

I suggest you go back and read my recent posts - have I said you should confess? No. I think you should but I have not said that for a long time now. As it is, didn't you just try to belittle me by mentioning my affair the way you did?

 

You don't want to help me you just want to attack me on my threads.

For sum reason? I have no idea why.

 

No I actually do want to help you for some reason. I also know why....

 

My situation wasn't the same as yours

 

Because your situation is actually more similar to mine than you realise.

 

I KNOW how badly I've behaved and of course I care about my husband.

 

I know you care and I just want to help you make your marriage strong again.

Edited September 25, 2013 by anne1707

[Helen A]

It is cruel of you to continue this friendship. You are being cruel to both your husband and his wife. You are rubbing their noses in your sh*t.

 

 

I have been trying to help you for almost 4 months now. As have many others. As for doing it your way, look where it has got you so far. You had not even kissed him when you first poste here.

 

 

 

Like it. You don't like what I say so you try to undermine me. Cool.

 

 

 

To call it "silly" is now undermining what you have done. If it was just "silly" then you should be able to easily tell your H. Do you think he would describe your affair as "silly"?

 

And yes you can feel exactly how you feel but you need to realise that whilst you feel this way, there is no chance to progress on your marriage. I know this because I have been where you are now.

 

 

 

You have taken on the easiet and also the least effective advice. You have chosen not to do the hardest things which could benefit you most. You really do need to do NC. Imagine how you would feel in your husband's shoes if you found out that he had allowed you to socialise with someone he had an affair with.

 

 

 

I suggest you go back and read my recent posts - have I said you should confess? No. I think you should but I have not said that for a long time now. As it is, didn't you just try to belittle me by mentioning my affair the way you did?

 

 

 

No I actually fo want to help you for some reason. I also know why....

 

 

 

Because your situation is actually more similar to mine than you realise.

 

 

 

I know you care and I just want to help you make your marriage strong again.

 

Do you think I want to sit there anymore with him when we socialise just acting as if everything's fine?? I don't. Although I am equally to blame at least I have SOME remorse he has none he's told me that. He's hurt me cheated on his wife and he just gets to get away with it all because it won't be bothering him like it is me.

 

Ok I shouldn't bring up your past that is over with but I am just trying to say this was not as in depth as that? Why do you think it is a similar circumstance?

Why would you want to help an uncaring selfish person?

 

Actually I feel silly. I feel ridicolous because it's as if this was nothing I've just been blanked out/ haven't been able to speak to him/ he hasn't wanted to talk to me and I feel like a silly stupid little girl, and I feel as if I have no right to be upset over it but I am. I still am.

[Owl]

Do you think I want to sit there anymore with him when we socialise just acting as if everything's fine?? I don't. Although I am equally to blame at least I have SOME remorse he has none he's told me that. He's hurt me cheated on his wife and he just gets to get away with it all because it won't be bothering him like it is me.

 

Ok I shouldn't bring up your past that is over with but I am just trying to say this was not as in depth as that? Why do you think it is a similar circumstance?

Why would you want to help an uncaring selfish person?

 

Actually I feel silly. I feel ridicolous because it's as if this was nothing I've just been blanked out/ haven't been able to speak to him/ he hasn't wanted to talk to me and I feel like a silly stupid little girl, and I feel as if I have no right to be upset over it but I am. I still am.

 

You are being silly, and acting like a little girl.

 

You got upset because he didn't EMOTIONALLY reciprocate...even though that was never part of this, from what I've seen. He NEVER did more than he needed to do to get into your pants, right?

 

The problem is...you want to focus on that aspect...how YOU feel betrayed by him...and totally and completely MINIMIZE your own betrayal of your H...and your continued deception of him.

 

You don't want to sit across from OM...and yet...you have no PLAN for ensuring that it won't happen. You take no true drastic measure to prevent it, because you're too busy avoiding the true consequences of your actions.

 

You want to "fix things", without doing anything at all TO ACTUALLY FIX THINGS.

 

You want to rug sweep, to make it go away, to act like it never happened.

 

Big girls deal with what they've done. They accept responsibilities for their actions, consequences for their poor choices, and put effort into truly fixing things, even when that fix might come at their own expense.

 

Which are you acting like, again?

[Helen A]

You got upset because he didn't EMOTIONALLY reciprocate...even though that was never part of this, from what I've seen. He NEVER did more than he needed to do to get into your pants, right?

 

The problem is...you want to focus on that aspect...how YOU feel betrayed by him...and totally and completely MINIMIZE your own betrayal of your H...and your continued deception of him.

 

 

Maybe I am acting like one but that's how I feel. And I do t totally want to focus on it, I want to focus on getting past feeling like that about it - how?

 

I'm in no way minimising my deception I don't want to continue it and I'm not. I'd be happy not to socialise with them again.

 

I am not minimising I know how awful it is I've been cheated on I know the feeling and it's a real awful thing to do to someone.

 

And actually what you've posted is right about him.

[road]

Sorry I'm lost what have I lied about????

 

 

That you had written the first time that you had sex once with the ON. When by the last time that you wrote you admitted you had sex two times with the OM.

 

Did you graduate from the Bill Clinton school of how to not tell the truth?

[road]

James I'm not treating you like your partner how could i?

It's a infidelity board and my question here was on moving on / dealing with this myself because I had decided I don't want to smash up my whole life.

Whether or not people disagree with me and think I dhould confess at the end of the day it's my life and my decision to make.

 

But I do need and would like advice/help otherwise why would I bother posting here?

 

Your life has nothing to do with doing the right thing.

[road]

I haven't ignored any of it Anne.

 

Been reading doing NC - a good few weeks in now and just posting again to talk have advice and moving on advice

 

 

Again you lie.

 

I have been doing NC for a few weeks. When you ignore that you will not be able to have 100% forever because you will not do the changes needed to have 100% NC.

 

NC is not a part time thing that a WW does when only convenient. There is no exceptions to when you can see the OM. In a group with other couples may not be seeing the OM alone. Though it is still seeing the OM.

[road]

Advice on how to move on without disclosing.

 

Ive been reading some books/doing NC/ but I'm still thinking about it.

 

 

That is asking us to help you betray your BH. We will not betray him. Why? Because you want to continue to lie and make us your co liars.

 

We contribute here to help people to do the right thing.

 

We do not come here to deceive, hurt, betray, harm.

[Coolit]

You got upset because he didn't EMOTIONALLY reciprocate...even though that was never part of this, from what I've seen. He NEVER did more than he needed to do to get into your pants, right?

 

The problem is...you want to focus on that aspect...how YOU feel betrayed by him...and totally and completely MINIMIZE your own betrayal of your H...and your continued deception of him.

 

 

Maybe I am acting like one but that's how I feel. And I do t totally want to focus on it, I want to focus on getting past feeling like that about it - how?

 

I'm in no way minimising my deception I don't want to continue it and I'm not. I'd be happy not to socialise with them again.

 

I am not minimising I know how awful it is I've been cheated on I know the feeling and it's a real awful thing to do to someone.

 

And actually what you've posted is right about him.

 

Minimizing am affair is saying "it was just two silly times" or comparing it to Affairs that last a long time.

 

Want to know a very likely truth. You are in denial about your MM. You want to keep him reachable. Know how I know this? Because there are lots of easy ways that aren't suspiceous to end a friendships. People do it all the time.

 

I imagine you are waiting for the next time you get thrown together to see if he will be kind to you. Maybe he will reach out to you. After all as you said you are a silly girl right now. And we all know the breathless excitement when a crush gives you attention.

 

I bet if you dug deep downinside and stopped lying to yourself you would see that the main reason you don't want to tell your spouse is vecause doing ao would be giving away the last hope that there could be more between u and xMM.

 

I could be wrong, you will say I am wrong. But your words and actions thus far seem to say the above is most likely the truth.

 

Get into counselling. Hash things out and discover why you were such a silly girl over this man.

[road]

 

I don't think that you want to help me either you just want to preach at me and put me down because I don't want to do what you suggest I should or at least not all of it. It's your way or no way.

 

I didn't have a bloody 3 year physical affair if I had then yes I'd confess it's been two silly occasions.

 

 

So if want you did was so trifle, so silly, tell your BH he deserves a good laugh.

 

How could your BH be so upset at such a trifle matter?

[Coolit]

That you had written the first time that you had sex once with the ON. When by the last time that you wrote you admitted you had sex two times with the OM.

 

Did you graduate from the Bill Clinton school of how to not tell the truth?

 

He kissed once and had sex the next time. She just said there were 2 physical occurances because I don't think she wanted to admit she had hot passionate A sex.

[road]

So if want you did was so trifle, so silly, tell your BH he deserves a good laugh.

 

How could your BH be so upset at such a trifle matter?

 

 

Could edit no:t So if want - to - So if what

[Helen A]

He kissed once and had sex the next time. She just said there were 2 physical occurances because I don't think she wanted to admit she had hot passionate A sex.

 

That's all there's ever been - 2 times.

Don't see where I've lied ?

 

Cool it it wasn't hot. It was quite crap we were drunk

[Helen A]

To clarify tho I can't remember posting -

 

Sex once. A kiss once.

[Coolit]

That's all there's ever been - 2 times.

Don't see where I've lied ?

 

Cool it it wasn't hot. It was quite crap we were drunk

 

Being quite drunk has nothing to do with it. I was so drunk the first time I cheated I don't remember it all, and I was throwing up right before, and I can't say it was terrible sex.

 

I just found it odd you didn't clarify what the two physical situations were. Would you say you enjoyed the kiss more?

 

What exactly was your reason for not wanting to cheat anymore?

[mack25]

Did you use protection?

 

Also, how would you feel if he went out and had sex with someone else? You had emotion tied to your affair. I guess it is fine if he sleeps with other people.

[jimmytwowheels]

If there is any justice in the world, your BH will find out SOMEHOW and realize how shameless and selfish of a person you are, and get the hell away from you, hopefully taking the child with him.

 

I've read all your old threads, and you literally came here under the pretext of asking for advice, wondering why this man was leading you on, doing you and then backing away. He played you, which is terrible, but what is more terrible is the fact that you want to have your cake and eat it too.

 

You still have some interest in him. You won't go full NC because it would give you away. And sometime in a moment of 'weakness' you'll cheat again, despite how many times you say it's over.

 

You are selfish. That's all. You don't love your husband as much as you love yourself. You had some play time, and then you come here asking for advice on how to build a playpen over a cesspool.

 

Normally I'm very chilled with people, but your attitude is identical to the 18 year old girl that couldn't figure out why making out with another guy was a big deal.

 

F****** a friend isn't SILLY. It's betrayal, it's low, it's dirty and the very least you could do to salvage your remaining humanity is tell your poor husband the truth and get on your knees and beg him to forgive you.

 

But you won't. You'll sweep this under the rug, and if you manage to deal with the guilt, you'll have successfully become a sociopath.

 

You talk about the OM like he's so awful - 'how does he just not feel anything.'

 

Here's a tip, give it a while of lying, and soon you won't feel anything either. Then you can gallivant around with a whole harem of married men to your hearts content! YAY!

 

What a train wreck.

[klotzak]

Betsy

 

You are facing torrents of abuse because you won't capitulate and destroy your husband. I've stayed away a day now to see where this is heading and it's a circle.

Find a poster that doesn't have an Axe to grind and listen, but don't keep asking them to repeat themselves.

 

For what it's worth from me- Do not confess. Grow up and YOU find whatever reason to stop seeing this other couple. Possibly move away. Keep thinking about it to see why and how it happened, if you have any moral worth you will take yourself apart on your own, then seek the solution so as to ensure this never happens again. Live your life. It's not the end of the world by any means, but it will cost you, maybe 6 months of your life where you could have continued with your closeness etc with your husband rather than revisit the basics.

Should you choose to do it again then you should probably avoid posting on here.

[anne1707]

You are facing torrents of abuse because you won't capitulate and destroy your husband. I've stayed away a day now to see where this is heading and it's a circle.

 

Torrents of abuse? Oh please! People are getting frustrated with her, yes and she is getting called out on some her behaviours (with a couple of nasty posts) but this is not torrents of abuse. I can promise you that she is being treated very well when compared to how others have been treated here in the past (e.g. me!).

 

Find a poster that doesn't have an Axe to grind and listen, but don't keep asking them to repeat themselves.

 

Are you suggesting that everybody here other than you has an axe to grind? Does that include me?

 

Oh and aren't you also saying what just about everybody else has said - start listening and stop asking people to repeat themslves. I have been posting in Betsy's threads since early June and I am still having to repeat what I posted then!

 

 

For what it's worth from me- Do not confess.

 

That is your opinion. Others think she should confess. I am probably the person who has posted and tried to help Betsy most across all her threads and whilst I do think she should confess (because I cannot see how SHE can get past this without), I have giving up arguing this with her for quite some time now (now where is that supposed axe I have to grind....)

 

 

Grow up and YOU find whatever reason to stop seeing this other couple. Possibly move away. Keep thinking about it to see why and how it happened, if you have any moral worth you will take yourself apart on your own, then seek the solution so as to ensure this never happens again. Live your life. It's not the end of the world by any means, but it will cost you, maybe 6 months of your life where you could have continued with your closeness etc with your husband rather than revisit the basics.

 

Errm. And again how exactly is your advice to stop seeing them ever different from everybody else saying she has to do proper NC????? And have you not noticed how she refuses to do this? How on earth is she going to explain wanting to move away? How is she going to find the solution to ensue this never happens again is she won't do IC or try to work on her marrriage with her husband (even if not confessing). Again your advice is no different from most others here.

 

Should you choose to do it again then you should probably avoid posting on here.

 

You mean put her head even further in that sand? Great!

 

 

 

Klotzak - the people who have been giving advice to Betsy for the past four months are all either BS/AP or WS - current and former - so they know what it is like to be in an affair, how it feels to be hurt by an affair and also how to recover and reconcile from an affair. That is where we are posting from. We can see the mistakes Betsy is continuing to make because we have made those mistakes ourselves. Many of us have also been trying to help Betsy for months (including by PM) whereas you have just come along in the last few days. I suggest you keep this in mind when you accuse posters of having an axe to grind.