Moving on !!!

[James-London]

I'm not sure the OP is using this forum for the right reasons. The idea of this forum (as I see it) is to provide an anonymous and safe space to be totally honest. OP is contradicting herself and hiding information as other posters have pointed out... It is almost as if we are the H here and we are the ones she cheated on, which is a bit weird frankly.

 

For what its worth - my thought is that this was both a PA and an EA. If it was just physical, she would not care about the OM not giving her the attention she wants. I think she is very worried about the integrity of her family, particularly her daughter, which is totally understandable. I have only skimmed through but I did not see much about whether she loves her H, regrets what she did, has a self-awareness of why she did it etc.... anyway, not sure I can really assist further on this one.

[Helen A]

Tell your husband the truth and work on taking down the wall you built between you and your husband for your daughter's sake. Do not hide the affair. Others could decide to expose you, as your OM will brag about the notches on his belt, and many others will know. Someone will get mad at you and tell your husband. They will give him evidence because your OM will have many affair partners and one of them will give him an std or he will give one of them an std. People get angry about stds.

 

As much as I think he's unemotional he will not have told anybody about this he has a family and too much to lose. He's deleted all pics I believe that we spoke about it the last time and I deleted all mine I believe that he wouldn't risk having them on his phone.

 

He also said that he has never cheated before, whether or not this is true, I don't know. But they've always seemed happy together.

[Owl]

Betsy...you are STILL posting here and STILL ignoring the advice everyone is giving you.

 

WTF IS IT YOU WANT????????????????????????????????

 

I cannot possibly express the level of frustration that most of us feel over your threads.

 

Frankly...you don't WANT our advice, you just want people to tell you it's gonna be OK.

 

IT'S NOT GONNA BE OK!!!!!

 

YOU SCREWED ANOTHER MAN...YOU REFUSE TO CHANGE TO PREVENT IT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN...AND YOU REFUSE TO GIVE YOUR HUSBAND THE INFORMATION HE NEEDS TO CHANGE THE SITUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

What do you not get about that?!?!?!??!?!

 

Look...if you want help...start freaking listening and doing what you're being recommended here. Otherwise...just keep going the way you're going, but don't expect us to be able to help you.

 

Good luck.

[Coolit]

xMM told me he deleted all pictures right after looking at them... An I naivly believed him because I too thought he disn't want evidence around... But it turns out he has a non detectable partition on his phone where he kept them. I am sure after my confession he got rid of them. After all I told his wife about the secret photo stash... He wouldn't have tho if I hadn't confessed. Or so i am told. Apparently men rarely delete.

 

Start making honest choices and being an authentic person. You will find that you are taking more steps forward than back.

[drifter777]

I've made it pretty clear that to me, revealing her cheating is not an automatic. She has a chance to keep it to herself and save her husband all the pain & agony of d-day and whatever follows. The risk of not telling is two-fold; she will think she can keep getting away with it, increasing the chance for her husband to finally bust her. If that happens the damage she is doing will be compounded by the sheer shock of finding out and the inevitable trickle-truths that will follow. We all know that divorce is much more likely in this case.

 

In a perfect world, one that would guarantee that my wife's cheating would remain unknown to me forever, that would be my choice. You can't un-know a fact; you can only be sheltered from it. I think in my case that if I'd have discovered her cheating on my own after the fact it would have been different and my anger and disgust would have trumped my fear of abandonment and I'd have divorced her. But who knows? Bottom line; I wish I didn't know what I know.

[Helen A]

Betsy, do you care more about the Other Man and what he's thinking/ what he will do, than you do about your husband and daughter? You really think he would admit that he cheated before (if he has). It apeas that you are worried about getting caught, not about the eventual fragmentation/demise of your marriage and the continued lying/deceiving of your husband from your side. Stop wondering about the OM and start thinking about your family (this includes your betrayed spouse).

 

I wonder, of all the questions you've been asked, of all the comments about your betrayed husband, your cheating and continued deception, you decided to comment on the lines specific to the OM and didn't write anything else.

 

I had initially hoped that Fitzpatrick was wrong about you. Seems that my faith in you was rather misplaced.

 

 

 

 

Lord, Lord, how subject we old men are to this vice of lying!

William Shakespeare[/quote

 

No way my daughter and my hubby come first. I'm just trying to work out my own way of moving forward from this without replaying it all the time in my head.

[Helen A]

I've made it pretty clear that to me, revealing her cheating is not an automatic. She has a chance to keep it to herself and save her husband all the pain & agony of d-day and whatever follows. The risk of not telling is two-fold; she will think she can keep getting away with it, increasing the chance for her husband to finally bust her. If that happens the damage she is doing will be compounded by the sheer shock of finding out and the inevitable trickle-truths that will follow. We all know that divorce is much more likely in this case.

 

In a perfect world, one that would guarantee that my wife's cheating would remain unknown to me forever, that would be my choice. You can't un-know a fact; you can only be sheltered from it. I think in my case that if I'd have discovered her cheating on my own after the fact it would have been different and my anger and disgust would have trumped my fear of abandonment and I'd have divorced her. But who knows? Bottom line; I wish I didn't know what I know.

 

 

It's nice to know that you would rather nôt know,

I think that if I was going to be getting in deeper/ wanted to be with this person then yes I'd confess and I have thought about doing so. But I don't I just want it to be over in my head and stop going over and over it

[Helen A]

Betsy...you are STILL posting here and STILL ignoring the advice everyone is giving you.

 

WTF IS IT YOU WANT????????????????????????????????

 

I cannot possibly express the level of frustration that most of us feel over your threads.

 

Frankly...you don't WANT our advice, you just want people to tell you it's gonna be OK.

 

IT'S NOT GONNA BE OK!!!!!

 

YOU SCREWED ANOTHER MAN...YOU REFUSE TO CHANGE TO PREVENT IT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN...AND YOU REFUSE TO GIVE YOUR HUSBAND THE INFORMATION HE NEEDS TO CHANGE THE SITUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

What do you not get about that?!?!?!??!?!

 

Look...if you want help...start freaking listening and doing what you're being recommended here. Otherwise...just keep going the way you're going, but don't expect us to be able to help you.

 

Good luck.

 

Why won't it be ok Owl?

You're saying my life will never be ok again?

And of course I'm willing to change

[Helen A]

I am a MM with a lover or two and plenty in my past. Only my personal opinion, but I would never say a word to your Husband about all of this. Most affairs go undiscovered. Whether you had sex with him once or 300 times, it's over, history. Recommit yourself to your husband and your family if that's what you want. I suppose your OM could say something but chances are he won't if he values his assets. If you need to confess go see a catholic preist (just keep your kids away from him), a bartender in a random city, then start living again. And for the record I have been hanging out here for a while and the conventional wisdom is to always confess, I think because most of the pepole here were BS, so they will always want full disclosure, and since they went through a meat grinder, they think everyone should.

Do some thinking for yourself and realize that this is an impersonal place full of anonmyous strangers. Good luck to you.

 

 

Thanks Morgoth. Although this is the only time I've done something like this in my marriage ( been together all but 17 years) I just enjoyed some excitement.

[Helen A]

Can anyone offer me any advice on dealing with this and moving on without confessing? How to stop thinking about it as it is driving me nuts now?

It's clearly over but not in my head. I didn't like the person I became either. I don't want to go back there.

[anne1707]

Can anyone offer me any advice on dealing with this and moving on without confessing? How to stop thinking about it as it is driving me nuts now?

It's clearly over but not in my head. I didn't like the person I became either. I don't want to go back there.

 

 

Just go back and read all your threads since June. You have been given lots of advice other than confessing yet you have chosen to ignore all of it.

[drifter777]

Can anyone offer me any advice on dealing with this and moving on without confessing? How to stop thinking about it as it is driving me nuts now?

It's clearly over but not in my head. I didn't like the person I became either. I don't want to go back there.

Just give it time - a cheaters guilt dissolves pretty quickly whether you tell BS or not. Most BS's will tell you how their WS wants to "move on" within a few weeks as they simply don't need the same level of healing.

 

I have to be clear that I'm offering the advice to keep this from your husband for his sake. And then ONLY if you absolutely believe he will never find out. When I read "I just enjoyed some excitement" I want your husband to find out throw your cheating ass to the curb. You are so selfish and naive it makes me angry. I'm only thinking about your husband; he is an innocent in this disgusting scenario.

[Coolit]

Can anyone offer me any advice on dealing with this and moving on without confessing? How to stop thinking about it as it is driving me nuts now?

It's clearly over but not in my head. I didn't like the person I became either. I don't want to go back there.

 

I can't. I planned to never tell but i was dying inside from my poor choices. I looked my wonderful, loving husband in the eye and thought to myself how i didn't deserve him. I could be the perfect wife and mother for 20 more years but I knew the only way I could keep my secret from my best friend was if i let part of my conscience die. He deserved to know what I had done and to leave me if he wished. Every loving act he did for me reminded me that I was scum. It was dark in the place I was at. xOC were still our friends who we would keep seeing and there was always a chance I could fall back in the A i I was honest to myself. H didn't suspect so there was no accountability.

 

You have decided not to tell and jumped pn the only two posts that agree wih your decision. But you shoild read the threads about the people who found out about the A years past it. Now they don't only have the pain of betrayal but also the following years that are a lie to them.

 

So don't tell. Google all the people who say it is a good reason not to tell. Tell yourself that over and over again. Let the continueing deception whittle away at the last of your self respect. Eventually you may be guilt free. You will see your indiscretion as a little whoops. Afterall you got away with it, had some fun and moved on.

 

Oh look, a new shiny guy (or same mOM). Well Inmanaged this once. Hubby and daughter are fine. Lets do it again.

[anne1707]

Just give it time - a cheaters guilt dissolves pretty quickly whether you tell BS or not. Most BS's will tell you how their WS wants to "move on" within a few weeks as they simply don't need the same level of healing.

.

 

That is your opinion Drifter but not neccessarily a fact. Certainly not in my case and also does not tie in with what many of the BS on this site have posted where they have successfully reconciled.

 

If Betsy does manage to hide the truth from her husband (for now) then it just shows to me how she is not emotionally invested in her marriage as proved by her lack of action in other areas to end the affair and save her marriage.

 

Simple question Betsy. Tell us what you have done to sort this mess out. You have had tons of good advice. What have you done?

[road]

Can anyone offer me any advice on dealing with this and moving on without confessing? How to stop thinking about it as it is driving me nuts now?

It's clearly over but not in my head. I didn't like the person I became either. I don't want to go back there.

 

 

Do not tell. Then keep looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life hoping that you do not get caught. While planning on how you are going to do damage control in case you do get caught.

 

Though the right way is to tell your BH.

[Bugz Bunny]

In this story I feel really sorry for the poor husband and the 4 year old little girl... The one thing that I dont really understand is how someone who has a little kid and in your case a innocent 4 year old can risk her future of growing up with both parents in a happy home by having an affair... You risked your daughters family for some cheap thrill of a couple of minutes...

 

I dont know how WS especially with so young children can do this to them... How they feel when they look at their children after the affair is reveald and after everything is done.Was it worth...It's just so sad to see how many people so easily betray their family and the ones that love them...

 

My only advice is to tell your husband the truth because you should at least show him a little bit of respect and tell him the truth because no one deserves to live a lie...and as for moving on without telling him the truth you can only do this if you have no conscience...

 

Good Luck

[James-London]

guys - we are all angry here because this OP is behaving in the same way that our cheating partners behaved towards us (or we behaved to them, if we cheated). I think the point's been made and this OP must make her own decision... further posts are just feeding into her justification of more lies and cheating.... I think this forum is better than that.

[Owl]

Betsy...what are you hoping to hear differently than what you've heard for the last couple of months?

[klotzak]

Betsy,

 

Keep your mouth shut and reflect. If you confess now you will bring his life down, you're over it & ready to move on and remorseful. You can punish yourself all you like, but your husband doesn't need to know any of this if you know he's 'the one'. Somebody earlier says guilt fades, maybe it does? But if there is no way he can find out then get on with the couselling you need immerse yourself in your marriage and count yourself lucky. If you stray again you deserve everything you get.

[anne1707]

Betsy,

 

Keep your mouth shut and reflect. If you confess now you will bring his life down, you're over it & ready to move on and remorseful. You can punish yourself all you like, but your husband doesn't need to know any of this if you know he's 'the one'. Somebody earlier says guilt fades, maybe it does? But if there is no way he can find out then get on with the couselling you need immerse yourself in your marriage and count yourself lucky. If you stray again you deserve everything you get.

 

But the bolded is just not true.

 

Plus seeing as she plans for her and her husband to socialise with the MOM and his wife, there is a REAL chance that they will be found out. It is just plain cruel, disrespectful, nasty etc to allow her innocent husband and the MOM's innocent wife to have their noses rubbed in the **** like this.

[klotzak]

She wants her marriage to succeed, the way I see it she's emotionally detached from the other man, and will have to hold her nerve in the very immediate future when they do meet before breaking all forms of contact with the other and his wife. If she wants her marriage to work these are small problems to overcome.....in due course

[anne1707]

She wants her marriage to succeed, the way I see it she's emotionally detached from the other man, and will have to hold her nerve in the very immediate future when they do meet before breaking all forms of contact with the other and his wife. If she wants her marriage to work these are small problems to overcome.....in due course

 

I assume then that you have not read her posts wondering about the MOM or her repeated failures at NC and have also never been in an affair.

 

Small problems????????

[klotzak]

Betsy, this thread is full of a lot of previously hurt people and the odd person who hasn't. There are going to be opposing views, so you need to be strong for the sake of your marriage and family. If the other party to this affair isn't going to say anything ( and lose his whole life as he has it) then there's a strong likelihood you'll never be discovered. It is not a clandestine CIA operation, it was a silly 'thrill of the chase' even, which has borne consequences you don't like.

My opinion is to suffer in silence, as you will be doing....get your life sorted, solve your issues and get on with your life. IF you love your husband and want him then live with the guilt and apparently it will ease.

 

I'm not a cheater, never have and have never had it done to me, but I work with plenty of people on both sides of the fence.

[James-London]

Klotzak - I hear your argument. However, the hurt people in this thread who have been cheated on (me included) feel that the cheating partner has a DUTY to tell their SO the truth. Yes the consequences could wreck both her relationship and that of the MOM - but that is just too bad.

 

What you are saying is that if nobody finds out, nobody gets hurt. Well, OK... But if that is true, why should she not just continue to cheat providing that nobody finds out.

 

If you believe that harm has been done (whether the SO finds out or not), then you have to confess, and pray for forgiveness.

[anne1707]

Confess or not, Betsy is far from over this affair and needs to do a lot of work to really get past this. Sadly she has done bu**er all so far and this is a fWS posting here so not as the person who got hurt but as the one who did the hurting.