Moving on !!!

[klotzak]

That's just the point she isn't carrying on the affair and if she is being honest then she wants to save her family and the destruction of an innocent husband. I am not judge and jury here, but as she has learnt her lesson I don't see the need to destroy her and her husband.

Her punishment will be the endless guilt and shame she's brought upon herself, low esteem and a feeling of worthlessness.......all of this is 'fixable' but not at the expense of the innocent.

[anne1707]

But she came to this site in June when it just an EA. She received loads of good advice, ignored it and ended up having a full PA. That was in spite of her repeatedly saying it was definitely over.

[James-London]

Let's assume the innocent husband finds out in 2 years about the affair. Do you think he will say: "I'm so pleased I did not find out at the time because I have been able to enjoy being with you in blissful ignorance that I was made a fool of... Thank you so much!!". Or will he say: "how dare you not tell me at the time? You had NO RIGHT not to hide this from me for 2 years".

 

The question is - what is best for the husband here? Even if he never finds out, the WW will carry the guilt for the rest of her life, as you say... Therefore, the relationship will never really be the same again. The relationship will never have the same intimacy, trust and honesty as before.... and the poor husband will never even know why....

[klotzak]

And let's just say the husband never finds out and they go on to live a great life together. What is the best solution for one relationship is not necessarily the best for another.

It's already been a while so the damage is done on that front. Let sleeping dogs lie, if she goes on to have a great life with him then she will have been lucky but hopefully a much better rounded individual that can now think for herself and take the fall-out of her own actions in the future.

Not every case on this site needs to be dealt with by destroying innocent lives, it would be all too easy to rubber stamp ' tell the partner' on every

appeal for impartial advice here. There are some unhelpful axes to grind on some of he responses.

[anne1707]

Klotzak

 

Regardless of whether Betsy confesses or not, this cannot be just ignored. She still needs to work on herself and her marriage to give it a chance of surviving. There is so much more to getting past an affair than just confessing.

[Owl]

There is no "grinding of axes" here.

 

Most of us have been in her H's position in some fashion...and we know that from our own experiences, we'd want to know the truth, to be able to make our own decisions based on the full knowledge, rather than be kept in a relationship without knowing the truth about it.

 

Betsy isn't MY wife. I hold nothing against her. On the contrary, I have posted advice to her over and over again, hoping that she'll actually take action to change her situation.

 

My advice to her is what I think will result in the best outcome for her and her H. It's got nothing to do with axes, or anger.

 

She needs to take action to change the situation. Her situation has steadily worsened since she's been here because she's not heeded advice.

 

She came here seeking advice...we've given it to her. It's up to her to follow it or not, keep posting here or seek someplace that tells her what she wants to hear, or whatever.

[James-London]

As I said above - if its OK to avoid the damage by not telling the H, what is wrong with doing it again and again, providing the H never finds out? If Betsy can learn to live with the guilt, I'm sure she could have a great marriage and at the same time have multiple OM through her life.... providing her H never finds out, no harm done. Right?

 

This logic seems fundamentally flawed to me.

[klotzak]

James. So she's messed up- we agree. But you are hanging her for crimeS she hasn't committed. Where does she say she'll be off doing it again with OM?

I'll say it again, if she learns and changes after this event she should be a better a person. If she doesn't ( and I don't know how you know she won't) she'll reap what she sows.

Everybody will mess at some point in life, hers is a serious foul up. BUT not irredeemable in the circumstances she describes.

I'm sorry if you're someone that has been hurt and wants that on everyone, but one pill does not fix every ailment.

I personally think she should keep quiet, suffer in silence, grow up but most importantly fix the mess of a marriage if that's what she want or if not then let her husband know.

[Owl]

James. So she's messed up- we agree. But you are hanging her for crimeS she hasn't committed. Where does she say she'll be off doing it again with OM?

I'll say it again, if she learns and changes after this event she should be a better a person. If she doesn't ( and I don't know how you know she won't) she'll reap what she sows.

 

Because she hasn't truly faced any consequences for her actions. She hasn't been forced to take responsibility for her actions. She's not become accountable for her actions, nor gone through the effort of rebuilding/re-earning trust as a result of her choice to engage in infidelity.

 

Because she STILL obssesses over what OM thinks, why he did this, why he didn't do that.

 

Odds are very high that she hasn't 'learned her lesson', and will remain likely to repeat it again when her (minor) pain from this event fades to memory.

 

Everybody will mess at some point in life, hers is a serious foul up. BUT not irredeemable in the circumstances she describes.

 

No one here has said she is irredeemable. What they HAVE said is that she's continued on in this same vein for months after first coming here...and in fact continued on FURTHER down the rabbit hole (by actually having had sex with OM) even after all the advice that has been offered to her.

 

She CAN change...if she chooses to. That's what everyone's been pushing for...her to make some change.

 

I'm sorry if you're someone that has been hurt and wants that on everyone, but one pill does not fix every ailment.

I personally think she should keep quiet, suffer in silence, grow up but most importantly fix the mess of a marriage if that's what she want or if not then let her husband know.

 

Well...you've already admitted zero experience in your own life with having been cheated on or cheating...wouldn't it make sense for her to heed and listen to the advice of those of us who HAVE been there????

[Coolit]

As long as the MM lives and can put a sentence together, he is the wild card. He could confess one day to his W. or get caught in another R and then tell his w about Betsy. Anything can happen because you don't know what te other person involved could decide to do.

 

And I truly know that it took my confession to start my heing process. That it took the confession to really fully grasp the awfulness of it. It took my confession and this whole process to lose my attatchment to xMM. It took my confessing to put the nails in that coffin. And i didn't realize any of this until after I confessed.

 

 

This wasn't a one night stand with a stranger while on a business trip. This was an ongoing affair with a friend of the family. This was something that took months of effort and time.

[Helen A]

But she came to this site in June when it just an EA. She received loads of good advice, ignored it and ended up having a full PA. That was in spite of her repeatedly saying it was definitely over.

 

 

Anne I wouldn't say I had a full PA it was a kiss once and then one other occasion. Still bad but two times - and never again despite him bringing up a hotel again the second time but whilst drunk. I said no I'm not up for that

[Helen A]

As long as the MM lives and can put a sentence together, he is the wild card. He could confess one day to his W. or get caught in another R and then tell his w about Betsy. Anything can happen because you don't know what te other person involved could decide to do.

 

And I truly know that it took my confession to start my heing process. That it took the confession to really fully grasp the awfulness of it. It took my confession and this whole process to lose my attatchment to xMM. It took my confessing to put the nails in that coffin. And i didn't realize any of this until after I confessed.

 

 

This wasn't a one night stand with a stranger while on a business trip. This was an ongoing affair with a friend of the family. This was something that took months of effort and time.

 

Cool it it was two drunk occasions. We haven't been meeting up or anything apart from that. I'm positively almost 100% that he will never ever admit it.

 

Ok he may not admit to me if there has been others maybe there have but I don't think so. I don't think he's a serial cheater

[drifter777]

Anne I wouldn't say I had a full PA it was a kiss once and then one other occasion. Still bad but two times - and never again despite him bringing up a hotel again the second time but whilst drunk. I said no I'm not up for that

You said second time you had sex with him - right? What kind of affair is subjective, but you cheated on your husband and that's not up for debate.

[Helen A]

Betsy,

 

Keep your mouth shut and reflect. If you confess now you will bring his life down, you're over it & ready to move on and remorseful. You can punish yourself all you like, but your husband doesn't need to know any of this if you know he's 'the one'. Somebody earlier says guilt fades, maybe it does? But if there is no way he can find out then get on with the couselling you need immerse yourself in your marriage and count yourself lucky. If you stray again you deserve everything you get.

 

This is what I'm going to go.

 

And there's NO WAY I'm even looking at anyone else again.

[Helen A]

You said second time you had sex with him - right? What kind of affair is subjective, but you cheated on your husband and that's not up for debate.

 

Yes. Once. And I did cheat yes.

[Helen A]

But the bolded is just not true.

 

Plus seeing as she plans for her and her husband to socialise with the MOM and his wife, there is a REAL chance that they will be found out. It is just plain cruel, disrespectful, nasty etc to allow her innocent husband and the MOM's innocent wife to have their noses rubbed in the **** like this.

 

The bolded is true I'm ready to move on even though I am not over it no but I am ready to move on .

[Helen A]

As I said above - if its OK to avoid the damage by not telling the H, what is wrong with doing it again and again, providing the H never finds out? If Betsy can learn to live with the guilt, I'm sure she could have a great marriage and at the same time have multiple OM through her life.... providing her H never finds out, no harm done. Right?

 

This logic seems fundamentally flawed to me.

 

 

No James I don't want to continue cheating of have multiple affairs.

 

I've never done this sort of thing In my life before .

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I haven't got his phone number anymore I've taken it out of my phone.

 

One time I deleted my address from my phone.

 

But it turned out OK.

 

I had been there so many times, I was able to remember it.

[road]

Anne I wouldn't say I had a full PA it was a kiss once and then one other occasion. Still bad but two times - and never again despite him bringing up a hotel again the second time but whilst drunk. I said no I'm not up for that

 

 

You say you did not have sex.

 

 

Yes. Once. And I did cheat yes.

 

 

Then you say you did have sex.

 

 

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

There's absolutely no chance of him telling/admitting it anything that I know.

 

The OM that is.

 

Is there any possibility that some time in the future, maybe 7 or 8 years from now, that something will change in the other man's wife and he will tell his wife what happened? For example, he begins to feel guilty about it? Or he is divorcing and wants to hurt her? Or are you absolutely certain that the way he feels and acts now is the way he always will feel and act?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Can you explain how "no contact" will work in the future?

[Helen A]

You say you did not have sex.

 

 

 

 

 

Then you say you did have sex

 

 

 

 

I'm saying there has been two occasions

 

First time a kiss 2nd time sex.

 

Two physical occasions ever.

[Helen A]

Is there any possibility that some time in the future, maybe 7 or 8 years from now, that something will change in the other man's wife and he will tell his wife what happened? For example, he begins to feel guilty about it? Or he is divorcing and wants to hurt her? Or are you absolutely certain that the way he feels and acts now is the way he always will feel and act?

 

 

No I can't say what he will do in the future but I'm pretty sure he doesnt want to wreck his life so he's not likely to say.

 

He loves his wife

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I cheated on my spouse with a friend of ours. I am not going to tell my spouse, though, because that would be bad for me. My spouse might leave me. My spouse probably would want to know if I cheated, because then my spouse would be able to decide whether to stay married to me based on the truth, based on reality. I love my spouse, but I love myself more. If my spouse ever finds out that I cheated in the near or even distant future, I will cross that bridge when I come to it. It might be especially bad because it was with a friend, and the fact that I let my spouse go right on seeing this friend. My spouse might find it especially hurtful, also, that I have a special secret with this friend, just between us two, that was my spouse was not a part of and that we actively kept from my spouse.

 

I don't like this situation, but I can't do something to hurt myself and make my own life worse in order to do what's better for my spouse. Because I know what's better for my spouse, and it's to stay in the dark, to not know the truth about me, that's what's best for my spouse. It is unthinkable to me to be honest with my spouse so my spouse can make decisions based on the truth, at my own expense. I will not risk hardship in my own life for the benefit of my spouse.

 

Is this the line of reasoning?

[Helen A]

Can you explain how "no contact" will work in the future?

 

 

All I can do now is not text or talk to him again by myself.

 

I can't think of a way around never seeing them again unless I fully confess.

 

Weeks will go by sometimes before we arrange anything so time will pass now and if we do anything again I will make sure I'm never on my own with him so I never get to speak to him one to one again.

 

Tbh I really don't want to. He's hurt me with his weird behaviour.

 

But I DONT and WONT take this any further. I think he would if I did all the chasing I think he'd meet up in a hotel room as he gas suggested it twice.

 

I'm DOnE