Moving on !!!

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

No I can't say what he will do in the future but I'm pretty sure he doesnt want to wreck his life so he's not likely to say.

 

He loves his wife

 

So he also will lie to his wife by omission in order to benefit himself?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Tbh I really don't want to. He's hurt me with his weird behaviour.

 

He doesn't seem very logical. His behavior is weird and hard to predict. You certainly didn't expect how he treated you. Yet you are so sure he won't tell your husband or his wife, either sooner or later?

[Helen A]

Mickey, this has really bothered me believe it or not maybe I come across as if it hadn't I'm not sure but it has. I've been really upset and a bit of an emotional wreck. He hasn't been bothered at all I really don't think he cares about what he's done.

After the second drunken time he didn't want to speak to me and then he comes back wanting to know if I thought it was good he thought so etc.

 

He's just heartless so I think lying to his wife will be a walk in the park but for me even though I may not confess this does/ will bother me and that's why I posted to see if anyone could help me work out a way to move on even though it's all over.

[Helen A]

He doesn't seem very logical. His behavior is weird and hard to predict. You certainly didn't expect how he treated you. Yet you are so sure he won't tell your husband or his wife, either sooner or later?

 

His behaviour is weird. I think he's a nympho and he just used me looking back.

Despite that he said he liked me a lot I don't think that he did

 

He's too gutless to tell honestly

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

The advice so far has been:

 

1. Tell your husband AND

2. Have no contact with other man ever again, socially or otherwise

or

3. Don't tell your husband AND

4. Have no contact with other man except for socially, which you should gradually phase out until you eventually have no more contact with them and at some point are not even friends with them (so as not to raise your husband's suspicions).

[Artie Lang]

all i ever hear from you is DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL, and more DENIAL.

 

now you're even saying it wasn't even an affair. OF COURSE IT WAS!!!

 

then we have this.....

 

I posted to see if anyone could help me work out a way to move on even though

it's all over.

 

people have given you advice on numerous threads you've opened on the subject, yet you refuse to follow that advice.

[anne1707]

Just answer a very simple question Betsy. What are you doing to get past this and save your marriage?

 

 

Edit: when a man inserts his penis into your vagina whilst you are married to someone else, that is a fulll PA. Oh unless you are saying he only partially inserted

Edited September 25, 2013 by anne1707

[Helen A]

Ok maybe a full PA as your saying but it was ONE TIME and it's OVER.

 

Since I posted last I've been doing some reading, I don't text anymore which is getting much easier as before I was getting obsessive and had to talk all the time, now I'd have to think about replying whereas before I'd be there straight answering ( sad as). I've completely got rid of his phone number.

 

I can see this now clearly I'm not in that crazy place I was in.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Betsy

 

You asked people on this forum how they could help you move on. Well folks on here have given you some very good advice but I think You have been ignoring it because it does not fit in with what you want from people, which is to say that you want people to condone what you have done and sympathize with you for the "Suffering" that you are undergoing currently. Fact is the "Suffering" is a creation of your mind and only you can relieve your self from it.

 

Most importantly, if you really want to forget things and move on then you have to re-commit to your marriage, accept that you LOVE your HUSBAND and confess to HIM about your affair. You then have to show TRUE REMORSE and put in HARD WORK to RESTORE your marriage to its pristine glory. Only if you can DO this can you hope for getting past this affair and move on to a happier time in your life. I think you are a broken and flawed person and you have to repair your self before you can even begin to see the light of day. If you do not take action along the lines suggested you will, forever keep going round in circles much like a headless chicken going nowhere and achieving nothing. In that case I can assure you that you have a bleak future ahead of you, torn as you will be with guilt, not able to look your husband in the eye, and always living in fear of discovery. You may even end up becoming seriously ill with worry and despair and that would be sad. So now you have it. What are you going to do? Warm wishes. Cheers!

[happysong]

Betchy

 

The affair is over because the OM did not give you the attention you want. It seems like you are the one chasing this guy around and you are hurt because he is not returning the love and attention you are expecting so now it's time to move on. Move on for what, to the next OM? LOL

 

I think the OM really loves his wife and feeling guilty. Just pray he never tell his wife about your A and then his wife tells your husband. Good luck.

Edited September 25, 2013 by happysong

[Helen A]

Betchy

 

The affair is over because the OM did not give you the attention you want. It seems like you are the one chasing this guy around and you are hurt because he is not returning the love and attention you are expecting so now it's time to move on. Move on for what, to the next OM? LOL

 

I think the OM really loves his wife and feeling guilty. Just pray he never tell his wife about your A and then his wife tells your husband. Good luck.

 

 

No I don't want to move on to nobody else, my posts may be coming across badly if that's what you're thinking.

 

I will admit I really liked the OM, but the things he did were awful and that's as may be he may really love his wife but I'm sure that people that do aren't as cold and and callous and act just a bit bothered about what they've done.

 

After the first physical kiss, he blanked me and later on we discussed that we were leaving this is was for the best etc and NC started.

 

Second time HE initiated it all again and then the same pattern, then coming back a week or so later.

 

You don't treat people like that. I don't and shouldn't be treating y husband like that I need to work on myself my marriage and do you know what if in the future he ever does anything that's untoward / suggestions again I'm going to tell my husband and his wife.

 

He can't get away with anything anymore.

 

Please don't make me out to be the one that's hounding him chasing him I only wanted to talk to him after what happened - imagine someone sleeping with you today but tmrw you never get to speak to them again? He comepletely started this it was not all my doing - and whether he loves her or not good luck to them.

Because I am NOT part of his pathetic game anymore.

[Owl]

No I don't want to move on to nobody else, my posts may be coming across badly if that's what you're thinking.

 

I will admit I really liked the OM, but the things he did were awful and that's as may be he may really love his wife but I'm sure that people that do aren't as cold and and callous and act just a bit bothered about what they've done.

 

After the first physical kiss, he blanked me and later on we discussed that we were leaving this is was for the best etc and NC started.

 

Second time HE initiated it all again and then the same pattern, then coming back a week or so later.

 

You don't treat people like that. I don't and shouldn't be treating y husband like that I need to work on myself my marriage and do you know what if in the future he ever does anything that's untoward / suggestions again I'm going to tell my husband and his wife.

 

He can't get away with anything anymore.

 

Please don't make me out to be the one that's hounding him chasing him I only wanted to talk to him after what happened - imagine someone sleeping with you today but tmrw you never get to speak to them again? He comepletely started this it was not all my doing - and whether he loves her or not good luck to them.

Because I am NOT part of his pathetic game anymore.

 

Betsy...so what he did that was "really awful" and "he can't get away with anymore" were what? Kissing you then not calling you back as often as you wanted? Schtupping you, but then not texting you in a loving fashion to make you feel better about it?

 

Come on...grow up a little bit here.

 

"Really awful" is schtupping someone else, and then decieving your spouse about it, potentially for years.

 

STOP BLAMING HIM.

 

He did what he did because you wanted it too. You went right along with it, even against the advice you'd received from countless posters here.

 

And...you're going to continue in that vein unless you do something drastic to change the situation.

 

Here's the thing. I don't believe that you want anything different at this point. You wanted attention from someone...he gave you some attention, as long as you gave him something in return. That's all it was. Once he got what he wanted, he stopped paying attention to you. When he gets frisky again, he'll give you more attention...and you'll be tempted.

 

You don't want advice...because these threads give you attention. You won't take the advice, because then we'll stop paying attention to you.

 

Here's my last advice to you. Go see a therapist. What you need to HELP you, we can't give to you here.

[Helen A]

Betsy...so what he did that was "really awful" and "he can't get away with anymore" were what? Kissing you then not calling you back as often as you wanted? Schtupping you, but then not texting you in a loving fashion to make you feel better about it?

 

Come on...grow up a little bit here.

 

"Really awful" is schtupping someone else, and then decieving your spouse about it, potentially for years.

 

STOP BLAMING HIM.

 

He did what he did because you wanted it too. You went right along with it, even against the advice you'd received from countless posters here.

 

 

And...you're going to continue in that vein unless you do something drastic to change the situation.

 

Here's the thing. I don't believe that you want anything different at this point. You wanted attention from someone...he gave you some attention, as long as you gave him something in return. That's all it was. Once he got what he wanted, he stopped paying attention to you. When he gets frisky again, he'll give you more attention...and you'll be tempted.

 

You don't want advice...because these threads give you attention. You won't take the advice, because then we'll stop paying attention to you.

 

Here's my last advice to you. Go see a therapist. What you need to HELP you, we can't give to you here.

 

Hi Owl, he may indeed decide to again but I won't be tempted.

I don't want an affair and all the turmoil I don't want to be always deceiving or lying. Believe it or not I never wanted it in the first place. And I'm not an attention seeker I'm pretty quiet been wîth the same guy all my life.

 

If you think that's all it is and you've made it sound nothing maybe you're right it was nothing is there a point in ruining my marraige over nothing.

[road]

No I don't want to move on to nobody else, my posts may be coming across badly if that's what you're thinking.

 

I will admit I really liked the OM, but the things he did were awful and that's as may be he may really love his wife but I'm sure that people that do aren't as cold and and callous and act just a bit bothered about what they've done.

 

After the first physical kiss, he blanked me and later on we discussed that

 

 

"Blanked you" Reads as you kissed then he F'd you.

 

 

we were leaving this is was for the best etc and NC started.

 

 

Second time HE initiated it all again and then the same pattern, then coming back a week or so later.

 

 

Second time you repeated what you did the first time.

You still are not getting your stories straight. The way you talk in circles, trickle trothing, no wonder your BH is keeping you away at arms length. You can not even be honest in a forum where we do not know you. Where we will never meet you let alone see you.

 

Sad that you still lie.

 

 

You don't treat people like that. I don't and shouldn't be treating y husband like that I need to work on myself my marriage and do you know what if in the future he ever does anything that's untoward / suggestions again I'm going to tell my husband and his wife.

 

He can't get away with anything anymore.

 

Please don't make me out to be the one that's hounding him chasing him I only wanted to talk to him after what happened - imagine someone sleeping with you today but tmrw you never get to speak to them again? He comepletely started this it was not all my doing - and whether he loves her or not good luck to them.

Because I am NOT part of his pathetic game anymore.

[Helen A]

No I don't want to move on to nobody else, my posts may be coming across badly if that's what you're thinking.

 

I will admit I really liked the OM, but the things he did were awful and that's as may be he may really love his wife but I'm sure that people that do aren't as cold and and callous and act just a bit bothered about what they've done.

 

After the first physical kiss, he blanked me and later on we discussed that

 

 

"Blanked you" Reads as you kissed then he F'd you.

 

 

we were leaving this is was for the best etc and NC started.

 

 

Second time HE initiated it all again and then the same pattern, then coming back a week or so later.

 

 

Second time you repeated what you did the first time.

You still are not getting your stories straight. The way you talk in circles, trickle trothing, no wonder your BH is keeping you away at arms length. You can not even be honest in a forum where we do not know you. Where we will never meet you let alone see you.

 

Sad that you still lie.

 

 

You don't treat people like that. I don't and shouldn't be treating y husband like that I need to work on myself my marriage and do you know what if in the future he ever does anything that's untoward / suggestions again I'm going to tell my husband and his wife.

 

He can't get away with anything anymore.

 

Please don't make me out to be the one that's hounding him chasing him I only wanted to talk to him after what happened - imagine someone sleeping with you today but tmrw you never get to speak to them again? He comepletely started this it was not all my doing - and whether he loves her or not good luck to them.

Because I am NOT part of his pathetic game anymore.

 

 

Sorry I'm lost what have I lied about????

[Owl]

Hi Owl, he may indeed decide to again but I won't be tempted.

I don't want an affair and all the turmoil I don't want to be always deceiving or lying. Believe it or not I never wanted it in the first place. And I'm not an attention seeker I'm pretty quiet been wîth the same guy all my life.

 

If you think that's all it is and you've made it sound nothing maybe you're right it was nothing is there a point in ruining my marraige over nothing.

 

Nice mental ju-jitsu to come to the conclusion that you wanted, rather than what I was trying to tell you.

 

Do you really, truly, honestly think that your husband will think that "it's nothing"??????

 

You know...the guy who's opinion/feelings you've totally avoided ever even considering in all of this???

 

The guy who you continually wish to keep in the dark and basically live a lie of a relationship with you?

 

It meant nothing to the other man...that was indeed my point. The rest of my point was to point out to you that clearly it meant more to you than to him...and realistically, you know damned well it will mean a hell of a lot to your H too.

[James-London]

can someone remind me why we are still posting on this thread? She is getting under all of our skin because she is treating us in the same way that our cheating partners treated us!!.... Surely we are here to offer our honest advice to people who are going through similar suffering to what we have been through. We gave that advice on page 2 or 3, and now its page 7!!... LS really helped me when I was going through my crisis over the last 6 weeks, and it is disappointing to see this forum devalued by investing time with people who don't need or want our help.

[Helen A]

can someone remind me why we are still posting on this thread? She is getting under all of our skin because she is treating us in the same way that our cheating partners treated us!!.... Surely we are here to offer our honest advice to people who are going through similar suffering to what we have been through. We gave that advice on page 2 or 3, and now its page 7!!... LS really helped me when I was going through my crisis over the last 6 weeks, and it is disappointing to see this forum devalued by investing time with people who don't need or want our help.

 

 

James I'm not treating you like your partner how could i?

It's a infidelity board and my question here was on moving on / dealing with this myself because I had decided I don't want to smash up my whole life.

Whether or not people disagree with me and think I dhould confess at the end of the day it's my life and my decision to make.

 

But I do need and would like advice/help otherwise why would I bother posting here?

[anne1707]

James I'm not treating you like your partner how could i?

It's a infidelity board and my question here was on moving on / dealing with this myself because I had decided I don't want to smash up my whole life.

Whether or not people disagree with me and think I dhould confess at the end of the day it's my life and my decision to make.

 

But I do need and would like advice/help otherwise why would I bother posting here?

 

You have already had tons of advice - and not all was based on you confessing (proper NC, reading, MC, IC, etc) - yet you have chosen to ignore it all. That is why we are so frustrated with you.

[Helen A]

Nice mental ju-jitsu to come to the conclusion that you wanted, rather than what I was trying to tell you.

 

Do you really, truly, honestly think that your husband will think that "it's nothing"??????

 

You know...the guy who's opinion/feelings you've totally avoided ever even considering in all of this???

 

The guy who you continually wish to keep in the dark and basically live a lie of a relationship with you?

 

It meant nothing to the other man...that was indeed my point. The rest of my point was to point out to you that clearly it meant more to you than to him...and realistically, you know damned well it will mean a hell of a lot to your H too.

 

The way you worded it was as if it was nothing maybe it was nothing.

 

It did mean more to me and I have no idea how OM feels he has sed he liked me a lot and he's sed that he always wants us to be friends.

 

 

Of course I know the impact it would have on my husband and my family this is why because it's all over is there any need for me to ruin everything we have?

 

Believe it or not I love my little family.

[Owl]

The way you worded it was as if it was nothing maybe it was nothing.

 

It did mean more to me and I have no idea how OM feels he has sed he liked me a lot and he's sed that he always wants us to be friends.

 

 

Of course I know the impact it would have on my husband and my family this is why because it's all over is there any need for me to ruin everything we have?

 

Believe it or not I love my little family.

 

What ADVICE are you willing to take?

[Helen A]

You have already had tons of advice - and not all was based on you confessing (proper NC, reading, MC, IC, etc) - yet you have chosen to ignore it all. That is why we are so frustrated with you.

 

 

I haven't ignored any of it Anne.

 

Been reading doing NC - a good few weeks in now and just posting again to talk have advice and moving on advice

[Coolit]

It did mean more to me and I have no idea how OM feels he has sed he liked me a lot and he's sed that he always wants us to be friends.

 

Good god, that is earily familiar. xMM told me the same thing. Repeatedly. Then he threw me under the bus and told his wofe I was after him BEFORE I had said anything to her. Even before I confessed. He decided to take proactive measures against me to insure that his wife would not believe me. Yeah, he sure liked me a lot and always wanted to be friends.

 

I'm not saying your MM will do the same. But words from players mean

Very little, words from cheaters mean even less.

 

If you move on you need to push MM from your mind an stop caring over the whys and stuff. You need to be honest with yourself because you sure aren't right now. If you were you wouldn't say you didn't want to cheat. Because if you didn't want to cheat... You wouldn't have. Alchohal lowers inhibitions and you have to be pretty drunk to not know what your doing. That is rarely the case with cheating.

 

You also said you were in an EA. guess what, that is an affair. So you had an affair that became physical. It became physical because of the emotional attatchment.

 

Just because you only had sex once and kissed once doesn't make it bettwr or not an affair. I consider my affair to be 3 months (when it was actually inappropriate behaviour). In the time we only had sex 3 times and kissed once. All three times having sex we were drunk. And this was with us seeing each other several times a week.

 

So honestly, you have decided not to come clean to your H. But you should at least come clean yourself about the A.

[anne1707]

I haven't ignored any of it Anne.

 

Been reading doing NC - a good few weeks in now and just posting again to talk have advice and moving on advice

 

But you are not doing NC. You still plan to socialise with him and his wife in the future.

 

Has there been any contact between you and his wife? Or between your husband and either of them?

[Helen A]

But you are not doing NC. You still plan to socialise with him and his wife in the future.

 

Has there been any contact between you and his wife? Or between your husband and either of them?

 

 

Yes because as I have said to not do so would make it all suspicious.

 

I haven't spoken to him since the last time the last BBQ and I haven't text tim in weeks .

 

No we haven't seen them since then.