Fiancee Lied for 2.5 Years About 7-Year Age Gap

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Good for you both....you both have created your own love story and a nice one it is.

 

 

 

 

I'm on board with this.

 

 

I really hope the guy doesn't post anymore on this thread or this topic.

 

 

Though I kinda wonder why he even brought this up at all despite never really wavering from her otherwise being the best partner imaginable.

 

 

For a woman, who saw this sort of a prospect on a dating site, the age restriction had to read much like it would had it been a breast size restriction (in some random direction). People out there wishing, and wanting, and envisioning themselves ideal, if only....

 

Well when those people are first given the rare chance to prove themselves otherwise ideal, and only then does it come out that they didn't meet the original specs in a romantic scenario... it just makes sense to make exceptions to the hard and fast rules.

 

Obviously it doesn't work that way with employment, but in this case, the guy likely did the right thing.

[SoleMate]

If you don't want to be with her, then DON'T.

 

No one here is going to force you into a relationship you don't want.

 

Make your choice, and own it, that's all you need to do.

[FitChick]

Have no idea what this website is but it has lots of pros and cons about the age factor. Very interesting. I had been searching for the story of the man whose wife of fifty years died. They had had no children and had a wonderful marriage. It wasn't until he went through her papers that he discovered she was actually ten years older. If he had known from the outset, would he have passed her by and missed out on the happiest years of his life? In his case, ignorance was truly bliss.

 

Stop this nonsense of 'if he/she lied about his/her age, what else did they lie about?' What if it's nothing else and everything else is perfect and you are happy? You'd be shooting yourself in the foot (many on here enjoy that kind of pain). I've had men tell me their real age but lie about being married, being bankrupt, unemployed, kids, having other women on the side, etc. I'd gladly trade those lies for one lie about age. It's irrelevant unless you want to breed.

 

I think in this age of no privacy, people expect total disclosure down to spreading their legs for the video camera because, if he or she has nothing to hide, why wouldn't they strip?

 

You will not find perfection. Some things are better taken on faith and using your intuition.

[crederer]

I always tell my dates I'm still in highschool as to keep the parents from gettin' the law involved and all that jazz.....

[Jim305]

She kept doing stuff that hurt. I broke-up with her. It's over. It hurts.

Onward.

[leftfordead2]

She kept doing stuff that hurt. I broke-up with her. It's over. It hurts.

Onward.

 

What happened?

[Jim305]

It doesn't matter anymore. After all I'd done for her & after all I'd forgiven her for, she wouldn't do two small things for me that 99% of the women in the world would love to do - these are things I REALLY needed her to do. She embarrassed me in front of my Mom. I think she lied again about something else. She withheld information about a small thing at a critical moment in our reconciliation. Even after I told her I'd stay & forgive her, she still wouldn't see me for 2 days. She started messing up her relationship with her daughter again just after I'd put so much work into helping her fix it. It got so bad my doctor put me on an anti-anxiety drug (I already have an anxiety disorder w/elements of OCD). I'm too sad and upset to write much more about it. She loves me but she has a strong selfish streak and doesn't show love very well. She thinks she's a giver but, boy, is she a taker. I can't badmouth her anymore. I miss her. It's over.

[KathyM]

I'm sorry you had to deal with this. It is good, however, that you found out this stuff, and her true character, before marrying her. It's unfortunate she misled you for two years, though. It's too bad that some people think they have a right to manipulate and deceive others if it serves their purposes. I would suggest taking some time to heal by exploring some new hobbies and interests, and distracting yourself with things that will add to your life, and when you are ready to date again, you will be even more dating savy after going through this. I think, once burned, people develop a better awareness of character traits that are important in a relationship partner, and red flags to be aware of.

[bazookajoe]

I've decided to take her back!

I'm feeling so many emotions right now - maybe the biggest one is just relief.

We talked this morning, she was intensely upset & me too. Life is so short, it shouldn't be filled with all all that pain & hell. She loves me, really, truly, & deeply. I don't want to be without her. I don't want to be alone. I REALLY didn't want to send her away - I couldn't make myself do it. She didn't lie about anything else, I believe her, & I guess age really is just a number.

She's working now with patients (she in medical field) so I just sent her three texts saying how much I still love her, she's my best love, how could I leave her?, it will be okay, let's build an easier happier fun life!

She hasn't answered yet, I'll call her later. I hope she'll stay & go forward.

 

Best of luck to all of us!

 

True love is rare Jim and can overcome anything! You made the right choice. Besides women outlive us men anyway. Good luck!

[bazookajoe]

I've decided to take her back!

I'm feeling so many emotions right now - maybe the biggest one is just relief.

We talked this morning, she was intensely upset & me too. Life is so short, it shouldn't be filled with all all that pain & hell. She loves me, really, truly, & deeply. I don't want to be without her. I don't want to be alone. I REALLY didn't want to send her away - I couldn't make myself do it. She didn't lie about anything else, I believe her, & I guess age really is just a number.

She's working now with patients (she in medical field) so I just sent her three texts saying how much I still love her, she's my best love, how could I leave her?, it will be okay, let's build an easier happier fun life!

She hasn't answered yet, I'll call her later. I hope she'll stay & go forward.

 

Best of luck to all of us!

 

True love is rare Jim and can overcome anything! You made the right choice. Besides women outlive us men anyway. Good luck!

 

 

EDIT: OOPS...just read your most recent comment...sorry it isnt working out!

[bazookajoe]

True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...

 

Ouch! Yeah I had that kind of true love one time myself. Never completely trusted a woman since.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I am all for honesty but I think that the next time I will put a profile on a dating site I will also lie about my age. I will be 50 next year and whereas I have absolutely no problem with my age as such, I plan to put 43 as my age in my profile and even with recent pictures noone will notice. Why the lie? Because guys are so obsessed with wanting a (much) younger woman that I will remain invisible for them as they will put 45 or 49 as maximum age in their search criteria. And I will be contacted by guys who are late fifties or even in their sixties which I don't consider as relationship material for me.

 

This said I would do this in order to attract guys my own age, maybe a bit younger but certainly not a lot younger. And my plan is to let them know my real age before something serious develops and certainly before we go to bed together (I am kind enough not to traumatise a man by making him go to bed with a 50 year old without him knowing - hihi).

 

Now your situation is quite different as the lie was kept up for a long time. To some extent I can imagine how that happened: this went well and she did not want to spoil a good thing.

I understand that you feel betrayed, I really do. On the other hand, if you really love her and she was always trustworthy, you should maybe put things into perspective. it is pretty clear to me that until you saw that boarding pass, you would not have guessed yourself that she was older, so does it really make that much difference.

 

Tough call. You know her better than we do so you are the only one who can judge.

[PinkInTheLimo]

On a personal level, since hitting my 40s I've preferred people fairly close to my age - at 42, I'd like to meet someone between 37 and 47. Why on earth do men in their late 50s approach me, when they have no interest in a woman even a few years older than they are?

 

And that is exactly the reason why we women become reluctant to post our real age. Because men are so obsessed by youth that they totally lose perspective. They should have a good look in the mirror.

 

And the thing is: put a fit 49 year old next to a chubby 39 year old woman and they will think the older one is the youngest...

[jlola]

I would be upset if someone lied to me about their age. But in this AGE of entitlement,drugs,abuse, mentally disordered or personality disordered, scammers, weirdos and all I would forgive. It is difficult enough to find a good person. If she is a good,loving,otherwise honest person then what is such a big deal? She knew how men are very age conscious and wanted a chance at love with a man her own age. Would rather go back to dating and weeding out people for the next few years? What if you then find out something minor, but negative about your new love? Do you then start over?

 

I would equate it to a man who exaggerated his income a little or his height and wore lifts. Some men may think fudging a little on their profile may increase their chances of meeting a woman.

 

My mother and her sisters are very honest people. Perhaps to a fault, but you will never hear them admit to their real age. It is something my cousin's and I joke about all the time. I don't even know my mother's real age. Does not make me love her any less or think less of her? Of course not!

[crederer]

If it bothers you dukp her. But get a lawyer to try and get your money back. I'm older than her and I don't feel ancient. I feel 21. If I were dating and asked my age I would say "you don't need to know" if that wasn't good enough 'next!'

 

In your case you had to g o t o therapy to try to make it work and you have other issues too. Is it worth it to you?

 

I know myself and I know what I can't let go of and what I can. Dirty dishes in the sink doesn't bother me at all. The furniture not centered perfectly will keep me awake at night. Same with people. Hubby can lie about how much he spent on a toy because I trust him to do right by me. Do you trust this woman to do right by you?

 

You'd dump a guy for wanting to know your age? Lol what!! that seems a little aggressive.

 

But anyways, OP, that is really bad what she did for the trust factor, more so than the actual age, IMO. What else has she lied about?

[crederer]

And that is exactly the reason why we women become reluctant to post our real age. Because men are so obsessed by youth that they totally lose perspective. They should have a good look in the mirror.

 

And the thing is: put a fit 49 year old next to a chubby 39 year old woman and they will think the older one is the youngest...

 

If you're going to go that far, why don't you lie about everything about yourself to seem more attractive to the opposite sex?

 

In all seriousness though, if a guy is going to discount you purely on your age, is that the kind of guy you want to be with anyways? It's just a way of screening out the guys that aren't worth your time from the get go.

[PinkInTheLimo]

If you're going to go that far, why don't you lie about everything about yourself to seem more attractive to the opposite sex?

 

In all seriousness though, if a guy is going to discount you purely on your age, is that the kind of guy you want to be with anyways? It's just a way of screening out the guys that aren't worth your time from the get go.

 

Crederer, the only thing I would ever lie about is my age, with the purpose of becoming more visible on a dating site. And once I would have contact with someone in real life, I would disclose my real age before anything romantic happens.

 

It is very nice in theory to say that one would not want to be with a guy who discounts you based on age anyway but the is that on dating sites guys look at the number first. And if the number is too high they don't want to meet you because they are obsessed with the number. So the result is that the older a woman is, the less reactions she gets on a dating site of men her own age, and the more of old geezers. Whereas the guys who discount her on the basis of her number would never discount her if they would meet her in real life without knowing her number, when she is an attractive woman in good shape.

 

I don't like it but in this youth-obsessed society I have no choice I feel. Otherwise I will only meet guys 10-15 years older and I will never ever want a relationship with a man that older (although i've heard Richard Gere is single again - for him I don't mind making an exception ).

[nomadic_butterfly]

I'm shocked it took 2.5 years for you to find out her true age.

 

That's why I haven't been keen on online dating to be honest. Everyone seems to lie about their age, but the truth usually ends up coming out within a few months.

 

If someone has lied that long about their age, there's no telling what else they may have lied about...

 

It's not just online!! A couple years ago just before I turned 24 I met a guy while asking for directions who told me he was 34. We eventually started dating, became intimate, the works and even though he lived like 10 minutes by foot we would Skype sometimes. Low and behold one day I go to "view profile" and he'd lied about his age by 4 yrs!! He knew I would not date a man 14yrs my senior. He also lied about a lot of other things and was emotionally unavailable.

 

While conducting my dissertation/thesis I had to go back to the US for a few months. He cried like a baby with tears rolling down his cheek when I was leaving and said he had a bad feeling I wouldn't return to London. Well ONE WEEK LATER I found out BY FACEBOOK (implicitly at that) he was banging some new chick that was also his client. Time healed that wound pretty fast! I wont go into that saga but plenty of people lie in RL and OLD. But I agree OLD makes it a million times easier to do so.

[Jim305]

I am all for honesty but I think that the next time I will put a profile on a dating site I will also lie about my age. I will be 50 next year and whereas I have absolutely no problem with my age as such, I plan to put 43 as my age in my profile and even with recent pictures noone will notice. Why the lie? Because guys are so obsessed with wanting a (much) younger woman that I will remain invisible for them as they will put 45 or 49 as maximum age in their search criteria. And I will be contacted by guys who are late fifties or even in their sixties which I don't consider as relationship material for me.

 

This said I would do this in order to attract guys my own age, maybe a bit younger but certainly not a lot younger. And my plan is to let them know my real age before something serious develops and certainly before we go to bed together (I am kind enough not to traumatise a man by making him go to bed with a 50 year old without him knowing - hihi).

 

PinkInTheLimo, we guys understand that a lot of you ladies are, um, fudging a little on your age in your online dating profiles, and we understand that you're doing it for just the reasons you gave. We really don't like that you do this but, begrudgingly, we expect is all part of online dating. However, we expect the truth to come out by the third or fourth date and definitely by sleeping together time.

 

Secondly, I think women would be better served if they put out there who they really are and discounted as unacceptable those guys who'd only search for someone much younger because those guys might well be pretty superficial, unrealistic, and maybe a bit immature. I mean, if he can't appreciate you for you, then what do you want him for?

 

I broke-up with my ex but I forgave her for being dishonest about her age. Even after I forgave her, she kept behaving strangely and oddly and in ways that were just hurting the heck out of me. I wanted to love her so badly and I was as patient as any human male could be expected to be, but she just kept sabotaging our relationship with all her crazy actions that put more and more distance between us. So, it wasn't the age. I was passed that. Too many other things were wrong, and had been all along, for it to work.

 

I admit, though, I miss her terribly and feel quite alone.

[WrinkledForehead]

Yes, it's nice to be physically active with your partner. But really, should one area impact your life in such a significant way?

 

What about every other area? What about your other past times? Perhaps if your sole passion is defined by physical activity, then I could see age being a deal breaker. If not, I urge you to seek the value of what she offers in relation to your other passions.

 

My bf is 20 years older. He's 49 and I'm 29. We swam laps together in the pool this year and raced each other. Will he be able to do this in 10 years? I'm sure, but he won't be as quick (which means I'll actually have the chance to beat him for once! Haha). He brings value to my life in SO many other ways and I respect him for who he is at his core. He'll still be the man who taught me how to

Sing again, who listens to my hopes and fears and dreams, and who holds me close at night. And when he's 70 and snoozing in his arm chair after a big meal? I'll kiss his forehead and thank the stars that I'm able to have him in my life.

 

Its so much more. You'll have to have long discussions about sexuality in later years, health, spending your latter years alone if she passes before you do... You'll have to talk about this and ensure you still view these things the same way.

 

But you wrote this:

 

"She's never lied to me before about anything else...right?..."

 

Which struck me more than any other sentence in your post. The lying bugs you. If you can accept her for who she is regardless of age and want to fix this, tell her. State that she lied and you want to forgive her, but you need her to work with you and help you with this. And then create a plan to get past the hurt.

 

I wish you the best. Two years is a long time to carry a lie. I think a conversation in which she does most of the talking and you listen might help explain more. Get to know her at her core and explore why she's been so adamant about hiding her age. I think you'd find you still love her and you'll grow to know her better and strengthen your bond.

 

Either way, I wish you the best. ~WF

[Elliotte]

I am really glad to hear this ended in a breakup. She sounds incredibly insane. The lying about age (who does that to their own daughter too!?) was the tip of the iceberg. I've been with this type of woman, they will lie when it is convenient, they will act like the most loving person when it's in their favor, and the amount of money she persuaded you into spending on her is ridiculous. You may feel sad for her, probably because she's not doing this to be malicious, she's doing it because she has a screwed up past and has this strange way of behaving to make herself feel better rather than seeking to improve herself.

 

And really, while a lot of us wouldn't be that perturbed by the age thing, if that is what you value, stick to it. You dodged a bullet by breaking up with her before you got married.

[violet1]

I'm glad you broke up with her OP. I'm sorry, but I think it's ridiculous to lie about your age. Male or female, I see no reason for it period. It shows a lot of insecurity. I know you're lonely, but don't give up or settle. You'll find the right gal.

[Eau Claire]

It's sad that so many accept a lie as 'just something people do'.

 

Sorry, I don't lie and would not accept it from my partner. Raise your moral standards.