Fiancee Lied for 2.5 Years About 7-Year Age Gap

[crazylove]

I've decided to take her back!

I'm feeling so many emotions right now - maybe the biggest one is just relief.

We talked this morning, she was intensely upset & me too. Life is so short, it shouldn't be filled with all all that pain & hell. She loves me, really, truly, & deeply. I don't want to be without her. I don't want to be alone. I REALLY didn't want to send her away - I couldn't make myself do it. She didn't lie about anything else, I believe her, & I guess age really is just a number.

She's working now with patients (she in medical field) so I just sent her three texts saying how much I still love her, she's my best love, how could I leave her?, it will be okay, let's build an easier happier fun life!

She hasn't answered yet, I'll call her later. I hope she'll stay & go forward.

 

Best of luck to all of us!

 

Good to hear Jim! It's going to take a little while to get back into being comfortable again, so don't worry too much about the text. I'm sure your partner feels terrible about the whole situation, but I'm sure the 2 of you can work things out and be stronger because of it.

Good luck!

[It's Just Me]

Oh, crap, she just sent a text: "Love you, too, Honey. Thank you for your text..." with a broken heart emoticon. I replied "Are you happy? I need to hear that you're happy." No response. Things were calm & clear for a few minutes, now here I am, right back in the storm.....

 

Oh, and now she's playing games? How nice.

 

I read through this entire thread, and agree that it's quite the conundrum, with more than two sides to the story, it seems. Just as an FYI, going back to dating and meeting new people is hardly a death sentence. If you do need to go that route, you will have a lesson learned tucked neatly under your belt. There are some mistakes we only make once in this life.

 

If I were in this situation, the lies would be the overarching reason to leave. I can live with imperfection, but I cannot live with a partner who thinks it's okay to lie to me for 2.5 years. A lie is a betrayal of my trust, and that cuts me to the core. Nobody gets to do that to me, and get away with it.

[Jim305]

Whatever caused this deception lifestyle needs to be figure out. [i still don't get why you would lie to your own kids. I bet there are more things you don't know about her.]

 

I don't think she practices a "deception lifestyle." But she does have some deep insecurities stemming, first, from her experiences with her abusive father and, second, from her feeling that she's nearly totally alone in the world (she has no surviving relatives except her daughter). She's obsessed with her looks & appearance, & I think in her mind her beauty is too much wrapped up with her self-worth. The fiction of being 7 years younger has been kept not just for me but for everyone she knows - she seems to need very much for other people to perceive her as young and beautiful.

 

To set the record straight, she didn't lie to her daughter about her age, she just never told her daughter what her age is. My fiancee doesn't see this, but I'm sure the daughter knows the age - aren't your parents birth dates on your birth certificate? I think they are...

 

Lastly, she's never lied to me about anything else (that I know of, granted). My intuition tells me she's otherwise been honest & I've never come across any evidence to the contrary. I'm not going to marry her anytime soon, neither of us are in a rush for that, she's not pressing for it. We're not having kids, I have time to keep learning about her. Sure, I've worried a little bit that I might not be attracted to her in the years that come but, ultimately, who a person his has to be more important than how he or she looks. We've had many wonderful times that I didn't write about. It'll take time to keep exploring things with her, but it's my time & my choice - I know the downside, but in my judgment it's worth it. I'm not sure what love is anymore, but I know most of the time having her around is damn nice! I'll happily stand pat with that right now.

[Jim305]

Oh' date=' and now she's playing games? How nice.[/quote']

 

Well, she's not playing games. She texted again shortly after that post & then she called me, she suddenly got very busy at the medical clinic she was working at & couldn't talk or text. She's not going to talk about personal stuff with patients, doctors, & staff all within earshot. We had two nice conversations tonight & we'll see one another tomorrow & each day 'till Sunday.

 

I'm not so keen on having her move-in anymore. In fact, I'm not wanting to rush any aspect of this. I think I've been a bit like a seismograph with her - hypersensitive to everything she says or does. I don't need to react so strongly when she doesn't call back with 10 minutes, for example. Anyway, I think I've made the right decision for me, for now. Tonight I feel relieved & the most relaxed I've been in more than a week. I'll see what the future holds....

[Jim305]

New problem. I just woke up with my chest tight & my stomach all in knots & feeling lightheaded. Even though yesterday I sent her those long, loving texts about how it'll be okay & I still love her... There's only one reason I could still feel all this tension; crazy as it may be, superficial as it may sound, I just can't live with a 7-year age gap. She was in so much pain yesterday, I wanted it to stop for her, I swallowed my doubts, I forced myself into a conclusion I thought I could handle. I should be relieved if I could really handle the age difference. Instead all the tension's come back. Is this proof I really don't love her? How can I change my mind now? Just sad, afraid, tense all over again.

[Jim305]

No, I want to stay. I'm going to try to stay. I can forgive the lie. I'm not going to get all the beautiful, wonderful things we have with anybody else.

[KathyM]

I would suggest you not make any decision about this so quickly. You need more time to process your feelings on this. Let the fiancé know that you're going to need some time to figure this out. Couples counseling would be a good idea. Don't make any decisions or promises until after you've both had couples counseling for a good amount of time.

[Eivuwan]

Sounds like you didn't give yourself a long enough break to figure things out.

[CarrieT]

Sounds like you didn't give yourself a long enough break to figure things out.

^^^ THIS ^^^

 

Jim, don't make the decision. The holidays are just around the corner. Postpone moving in together and continue to date her for a few more months and see how it all irons out.

 

Time is your friend, in this case. You don't need to make a decision at all, but see how it plays out over a few weeks...

[Sunfire73]

I agree with others that you should take your time to think about what you want to do next. That is huge, and to me the trust is broken. Age is just a no. but it's still a lie. She showed some tendencies to manipulate you. If you decide to continue with your relationship, you have to make sure that you go to counselling to address these issues, do you want that? Do you want to repair what's broken or start with a clean state? That is your choice. Sometimes, trying to stay just because you think there is nothing better is a wrong move. You have to listen and be honest with yourself. Sometimes being alone is better than to have a relationship built on a lie.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

New problem...

 

I still love her... There's only one reason I could still feel all this tension; crazy as it may be, superficial as it may sound, I just can't live with a 7-year age gap.

 

 

 

Oh man, you continue to state that which everybody else here knows to be 100% inaccurate as a means of somehow trying to defend, what is most likely mere stubbornness.

 

The rest of us can see the clear answers in the back of the math book, and you won't look there!

 

Among the few things we know about you is that you most certainly can, and have live(d) with the 7-year age gap!!!

 

That is plainly written among the answers in the back of the book.

 

 

You are doing the equivalent of nit-picking, on the age thing. The singular episode of her lying remains a fair concern, but in this case it is not fatal.

 

Yes, a woman dared to lie about her age in online dating ... but then she proved herself compatible with you in the trenches of a relationship of multiple years.

 

That's what is clear in the back of the math book, where the answers are!

 

 

Give this woman a full chance, and see how her own guard comes down in the near future. Sheeeeeeeeee doesn't have to keep adding dominoes to the original lie, and won't have the stress that goes hand in hand.

 

She's likely to be an even better partner now and in the future.

[Jim305]

I agree with others that you should take your time to think about what you want to do next. That is huge, and to me the trust is broken. Age is just a no. but it's still a lie. She showed some tendencies to manipulate you. If you decide to continue with your relationship, you have to make sure that you go to counselling to address these issues, do you want that? Do you want to repair what's broken or start with a clean state? That is your choice. Sometimes, trying to stay just because you think there is nothing better is a wrong move. You have to listen and be honest with yourself. Sometimes being alone is better than to have a relationship built on a lie.

 

I couldn't sleep at all last night, my gut is all in knots again, the dizziness & lightheadedness, it's all back. I told my fiancee on Tuesday I'd stay with her, she was glad, but wouldn't see me that night. We were supposed to see each other last night but I had to work later than expected, until almost 9:00, she was upset when I didn't call from work (I couldn't, no phones use allowed), I said I would like to see you, she said "Honey, I'm in bed." Just wanted to go for 15 minutes, give her a hug & kiss, have her give me some validation/confirmation I'd done the right thing staying, just feel close to her again. But no, she wouldn't let me come, she's got work in the morning, I only wanted a few minutes to drop by, wouldn't have kept her up, but she was adamant. I would've thought a woman who'd done what she did would be happy I'm staying & would want to set things right ASAP & would WANT to see me. I dropped it, I thought I'm sure as hell not going to beg. When I went to bed, I realized I really wanted to see her & this was another example of her telling me no when she ought to be saying yes. BTW, she called me back like an hour later asking me to organize our trip photos & give her a copy. So she was still up, & I could have gone over to briefly see her, it's not like she was going to bed right away when she initially said I couldn't come over.

 

This relationship never had an initial honeymoon where everything was wonderful & just fantastically terrific - we were struggling very early on. One problem was the strange, insensitive way she handles me & people sometimes. Examples: (1) she gives me a teddy bear on Valentine's Day & says "I want this back if you leave me." (2) We're set to go to a party after which we'll be together overnight but when I'm picking her up she says I can't stay because her friend's coming with us & the friend will get drunk & be unable to drive home & will stay with her so I'll have to leave after the party. (3) We're having dinner out, I mention casually that my Mom is lonely having moved here with no friends around & my fiancee gets all cross & says she doesn't want to be in the way & we can leave right now so I can go be w/my Mom. (4) We're having coffee w/her daughter & daughter's boyfriend, boyfriend mentions that the daughter might have been a good singer, my fiancee pipes up & says daughter could never sing, doesn't have a good singing voice at all, could never do that. What kind of mom does that? (There's nothing wrong with the daughter's voice.) I have several more examples, but you don't have time...

 

What makes me want to stay - She'll be hurt if I go. I can't bear the pain & guilt I'd feel if I left. I might never find anything better. I'll be out there in singlehood again. If I just try a little harder & hang-in a little longer, it'll get better. I'm afraid I'll miss her terribly.

 

What makes we want to go - the physical/emotional pain is not going away, it's here every day, I feel the end might be inevitable, I should stop delaying what must be done, I don't like the age gap, I think she's a little crazy with the way she just puts-off & ignores whatever she doesn't want to deal with (not just with me but in many other areas of her life - this will drive me nuts very quickly if we stay together, I hate that she was so hypocritically dishonest with me for so long even as she was preaching the gospel of total truth & full disclosure of all things, I don't want to have sex with her, at least right now, I don't like the way she won't see me or spend as much time w/me as I want/need, I hate when she picks at my driving. Also, she just seems insufficiently contrite & apologetic about her having lied - I would like her to reassure me about that and say she understands the damage it caused, but pride or something else stops her.

 

The only thing I know is that I feel horrible and that I've felt that way since the middle of our trip, even before I discovered the lie...

[Art_Critic]

Jim305, I certainly don't want to diminish your feelings but nobody is perfect, including her. There will be things about any person you let into your life that will bug you, you have to figure out if it matters and if you can just let it go.

 

My wife is late going places.. I mean every single time, it's almost like she does it on purpose but she doesn't.

She just can't plan her schedule and procrastinates till we are late somewhere.

It bothers me but I live with it because that is the way she is and I've tried to help her be on time but have failed at that so it is what it is.

 

Don't stay together if she is making you feel she doesn't respect you but some things you have mentioned shouldn't be deal breakers.

 

I'm glad you are re-evaluating things, if you come to the conclusion that you want to stay together then you will have already cleared a pretty significant hurdle.

 

Good Luck....

[Afishwithabike]

If you don't mind me asking what culture/part of the world is your fiancee from? She sounds Asian from some of the things you've said.It is so clear to me that you have misgivings about her for several things, not just the lie about the age. You've listed in the previous post and in another post at least 5 things that she does that bothers you. It's not just the lie that bothers you. You are bothered by other things she has said and done, and rightfully so. Listen to your gut/intuition. You trying to fight that inner voice is what's causing you all this dilemma. Deep down I don't think you really want to be with her. That doesn't make you a bad person. Just an honest one. She sounds controlling, sharp tongued, and manipulative. She's also an accomplished liar and you seem, forgive me for saying this, very gullible. In all those 2.5 years you never thought her reasons for why you couldn't visit her at the hospital or accompany her to a doctor or any of the other things she did to hide her age seemed strange? Really?!! I would have seen a pattern after about three such incidents. You seem like you could be easily duped because of your very sensitive nature. You bend over backwards trying to see the good.Take a long break from her. The break you took was far too short and that's why you still feel so much angst about the relationship.

[KathyM]

I just don't see how a healthy relationship can come from this. If it's this difficult to get along with someone during the dating process, it's sure as heck is going to be much harder after marriage. When you see red flags before marriage, don't ignore them. Don't push them under the rug and be in denial. Give these things some serious thought. I know you don't want to give up what is good about the relationship, but you really can't ignore the negatives/red flags. We are not talking about bad habits here, such as being a little messy, or procrastinating, or forgetful. We are talking about issues with honesty, conflict avoidance, serious issues of insecurity. It's interesting that you mentioned she tried to put down her daughter and diminish her daughter's talents. I'm getting the impression she feels competitive with her daughter because of her own insecurity, and that is why she won't give her daughter credit for her talents. I think this woman has serious issues of insecurity, and that is something you should not ignore.

[Jim305]

Here's how the story ends:

I stayed with her, because:

There were too many beautiful moments I decided I never have with anyone else.

She truly loves me, & that's rare & precious, when you find it, you keep it.

She trapped herself in her lie & couldn't bear to loose me if the truth came out/

Feel confident she's lied about nothing else.

I didn't want to go OUT THERE again searching... And I didn't want to be alone.

She's otherwise the best woman I've ever met.

I believe she's sorry & she'd do anything not to loose me.

I'm attracted to her, & that's not something I could say about most other women I'd had chances with.

I guess age really is just a number - who knows what's in store for any of us?

Remember the movie "Blade Runner?" Harrison Ford goes off with the Replicant he loves in the end, knowing she may very well only have less than 4 years to live. If something goes wrong, you deal with it at the time.

My anxiety is almost gone. There's a little tension.

If we get married, I might have a private investigator just confirm everything.

Right now, I'm happy.

And I can keep being happy if we work out the smaller stuff.

I'm happy & what else is there?

[Art_Critic]

Good for you both....you both have created your own love story and a nice one it is.

[Jim305]

This will be my last post on this thread...

I so very much wanted a happy ending for this story.

But new problems keep cropping up.

I feel like I want to leave her, but then I can't leave her.

Then I wonder whether I should leave her.

Is my life better with her or without her?

And she'll be so hurt if I leave, and I swear, I don't want to hurt her.

There's too much pain, anxiety, & hurt for this to be healthy.

This isn't how it's supposed to be.

We have to fix this (if it's fixable) or end it if it's not.

We're together but it's far from paradise & we both know it.

It's clear I'm obsessing & we both need more in our lives than just each other.

I don't know how the story's going to end.

I just hope we're both okay, however we decide to play this through.

[GorillaTheater]

Seems to me that you're given to really over-thinking things, and you're going to over-think your way right out of this relationship.

 

Relax.

[KathyM]

Call me a realist, but I don't personally believe it's wise to go ahead with a marriage when there are serious red flags, and serious trust issues and honesty issues. Marriage is hard enough to keep healthy without going into it with major red flags. When people ignore or sweep under the rug those red flags, they crop up later after marriage, like a bad penny that keeps surfacing. At least put the marriage on hold and go through some serious couple counseling for a good length of time before making any commitments.

[Mascara]

At first, I had sympathy for the fact that she lied. But that didn't seem to bother you, what bothered you was the age difference.

 

Now, however, I think you're just being a bit of a drama queen over this. I knew that your "here's how the story ends" wouldn't be your last post.

 

She's 7 years older than you. Your agony over all this is way out of proportion.

[Afishwithabike]

You seem desperate to convince yourself that you can't break up with her. Trust me, she'll get over a breakup. She's not some teenager who is in her first relationship. From everything you've written about her, she seems tough and resilient as well as dishonest and manipulative.

 

You obviously have doubts about her, so why rugsweep those doubts and force yourself to marry her? Don't rush into marriage. Take a long time, as in months, to decide whether to get married or not. You flip flop so often on whether you want to be in this relationship. One day everything is great and the next day everything is not. That makes me think you really aren't sure about her. You don't have to convince me of anything. Just listen to your intuition and don't rush into anything. And if you break up with her, she can take it. She's not as fragile as you make her out to be.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

what I do know is you're obsessed about every little thing going on. It is not healthy. The age difference and how she handled it is very curious. You're reaction too is unusual.

 

However the whole relationship is dotted with warning signs.

[pink_sugar]

This will be my last post on this thread...

I so very much wanted a happy ending for this story.

But new problems keep cropping up.

I feel like I want to leave her, but then I can't leave her.

Then I wonder whether I should leave her.

Is my life better with her or without her?

And she'll be so hurt if I leave, and I swear, I don't want to hurt her.

There's too much pain, anxiety, & hurt for this to be healthy.

This isn't how it's supposed to be.

We have to fix this (if it's fixable) or end it if it's not.

We're together but it's far from paradise & we both know it.

It's clear I'm obsessing & we both need more in our lives than just each other.

I don't know how the story's going to end.

I just hope we're both okay, however we decide to play this through.

 

I don't want to say I told you so, but lying about something as simple as age can lead to even bigger issues down the line. If she lied to you that long about her age, it will only make it that much easier to lie about many other things. Do what you have to do and move on before you become even more invested in this drama.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Well, you are an adult and know what is best for you.

 

But, if I were you, I would take a break from her, for at least a couple of weeks. Think good and hard about what you really want. Do not settle because you are afraid to date again.