Fiancee Lied for 2.5 Years About 7-Year Age Gap

[Mascara]

No that's true. 8 years isn't much. I always think of the younger woman / older man thing as closer to my experience... most guys I dated in my 20s were 17 years+ older than me. Those guys are now in their 60s. Doesn't appeal at all now.

[Jim305]

A lot of very bad things happened to my fiancee when she was a child. She emigrated and worked her way up from nothing when she got here. When she came here, she had no money, no family, no friends, she didn't speak a word of English, and she had a daughter to raise. She survived and did well by shear hard work. I'm very impressed with that. But that kind of effort and struggle damages people. She wants so badly just to be accepted. She's terrified of being alone. So, the appearance of youth and beauty are important to her and somehow make her feel secure. When unpleasant things present themselves, she often goes into denial mode, and her general inclination is to put off and put off and put off. She knew I wanted someone my own age but she wanted me and she therefor said whatever she had to say to get me. The obvious problem of what might happen when I found out - well, that she just shoved out of her mind. She decided to live in the moment, damn the consequences. But when she made these choices, she wasn't thinking about what I might want. If I leave now, then we've both just blew away the last 2.5 years working on a relationship that could never succeed. I can't get those 2.5 years back. And she could've spent the same time looking for a guy who would be happy with a gorgeous chick her age (I have to admit, for 54, she really is damned good-looking).

 

In response to other posts, yes, we've never lived together. And, yes, I really do love her. I think some of the responders seem to be assuming that I don't really love her because, if I did, then I wouldn't care about the age difference. Well, I'm not laying here in the middle of the night with my guts all torn apart worrying about how I can avoid hurting her - and even thinking of staying just to spare her the heartbreak that'd come from my leaving - I'm not doing all that because I don't care about her. I do care for her - a lot. That's the kicker. But I'm also feeling hurt, betrayed, cheated, disappointed, and sad. But I don't think she's lied about anything else. I've met her daughter. I've met all her friends. I've met people she works for and works with. I see how she got into this and why she lied - knowing this doesn't make what she did any less wrong, but I don't think there's much out there I'm unaware of. I've considered hiring a private investigator to find some hard information about her if I decide to stay...

 

A few responders seem to think I'm ridiculous quibbling over a mere 7.33 year age gap. And although it's true that if I were with someone my own age, then there would be no guarantees of a long, healthy, and happy future, it cannot be denied that because she's that much older there are likely to be fewer years together, fewer years of good health, and fewer years during which we could do certain things. I'm not being superficial. I'm much less superficial than many people I know. I think I've got a right to want someone my age. I'm not obsessed with age, and I don't have some 'serious issue with aging.' Most men want to be the older one. Most women want to be the younger one. Most men want a woman who's at least slightly younger. Most women like a man who's at least slightly older. It's not shallow, it's just nature. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with doing things differently. But nor is there anything wrong with favoring the more traditional approach.

 

Anyway, I'm still stuck in this thing! She's here now, sleeping in another room. I'm laying awake trying to loose all the tightness in my chest and the nauseated feeling in my stomach. I wish she hadn't put us in this position! She gave me a beautiful greeting card last night saying who much she loves me and how glad she is I came into her life. It was my Mom's birthday and my fiancee handled herself so well. And I love my fiancee's laugh and her smile (and her cooking). I just hate that she lied to me, I worry about her judgment - it was crazy to keep going never thinking about the inevitable moment of truth, and I wish we were the same age like I thought we were. I know many of you think a 7.3-year age gap is no big deal, but I'm really having trouble with it. I just heard about a 49-year-old guy in my area who's been diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer - the surgery is next week and he'll be incontinent afterward. Makes you think - what's really important in this life, anyway? We have to hold on to that which is precious. Having someone who truly loves you is a very rare thing not to be thrown away lightly. If I thought that leaving wouldn't hurt her, then I would almost certainly leave. Something is telling me that ending this relationship is the only way to make this nasty pain in my gut go away - on the other hand, sending her away might be the one and only thing that could make that pain even worse.

[Nyla]

No that's true. 8 years isn't much. I always think of the younger woman / older man thing as closer to my experience... most guys I dated in my 20s were 17 years+ older than me. Those guys are now in their 60s. Doesn't appeal at all now.

 

Me neither.

 

I was with men who were 12-20 years older than me for a while too.

 

Now I think anything more than 10 years would be gross for me.

 

Jim305, I sympathize with your position. Only you can decide the next step. What about a break until you figure out what you want? You need space to figure out what you want to do next. Help your fiancée understand that while you love her, the betrayal has thrown you for a loop.

[Nyla]

I am not on Match.com but just wanted to say you'd be surprised with the lies some can come up with. Get ready for "Oh, I lived in NYC [or any other metro are] for many years and we always used metro/t/subway/public transportation. Never bothered to get one."

 

I think what everyone is missing here is that this is not about you being superficial on online dating [with your age parameters] or whether 7 years is a big age difference or not. This is about someone who is deceiving his romantic/sexual partner for so long, someone who has had this problem for a long time, someone who has no problem even lying to her daughters. All signs of a more serious problem. How can you marry someone you don't trust? What else is in the closet for a 54 year old life-span? And as I said before, it is not like she confessed [that'd be one thing]; you had to find out! I'd say 'Run."

 

You would be surprised how often city dwellers do not have driver's licence, especially in New York and Toronto.

 

I agree with what you said about deceit being the main issue.

 

Who can trust someone who would lie for so long about important information?

[heartshaped]

If you love her so much and she is so amazing, why leave her? Time is precious as you yourself seem to realize. Why leave someone you love so much over something so trivial? And leave her to do what exactly? It's not like leaving her guarantees that you will find someone x amount of years old, that you love, that is just as amazing, that you have all these things in common with, and wants to do the same things you want to with the time you have left.

 

I do think her lying was wrong..but where I come from it's very common. Older women lie about their age here all the time or refuse to tell how old they are. I think it's something with how society views women. Men seem to become more attractive as they age..women not so much and men tend to want 'young' or 'younger' women hence the lying.

 

I really don't think this is a deal breaker, but that's for you to decide. Best of luck.

[KathyM]

I think the important issue here is that she lied and deceived you for so long. She manipulated you to get what she wants and disregarded what you want. I think this makes it very difficult to trust her, and makes you wonder about what else she is willing to lie about. I would also be concerned about her serious issues of insecurity. To go to such great lengths to cover up her age shows some serious insecurity. When you are dating someone and considering them for a long term partner, you have a right to know the truth about someone. The issue is not that she's older than you, but that she is willing to lie to you, manipulate you, and has some serious issues of insecurity and dependency. It sounds like you've also had some other issues in getting along with her that are a concern.

 

Marriage is serious business. You have to be able to trust the person you are marrying, and have to be able to get along with them. Your partner should be someone who is emotionally healthy and secure with themselves. Unhealthy people produce unhealthy marriages. Although women often don't volunteer information such as their age to strangers, when you are dating someone who is seeking a relationship with you, you have a right to know the truth. That right was taken away from you because of her insecurity issues. Doesn't sound like a good bet for a healthy marriage partner IMO. Not just because of her willingness to lie to you and manipulate you, but also because of her serious insecurity issues and dependency issues. To value appearances above honesty and integrity is also a concern. I know this is a difficult decision for you if you've had a hard time finding compatible people to date, but this would be a dealbreaker for me. Honesty and integrity is high on my list of requirements for a marriage partner.

[LittleTiger]

Jim, my exH died suddenly in his sleep, from a heart attack, at the age of 48! He was, as far as we all knew, a fit and healthy man and he was rarely sick in all the 40 years I knew him.

 

You are 47. It might sound a bit grim but there is a great exercise for prioritising your values. Imagine if you knew right now that you wouldn't make it past 48. What would you want to do with the last year of your life? Who would you want to spend it with and where?

 

I could be wrong, but my guess is you're not quite as happy in this relationship as you want to be. You keep saying how much she loves you and how important that is, but what about how you feel about her? Sure, you obviously care about her or the decision would be easy, but your focus seems to be on what she will lose rather than what you will lose.

 

If you think you would be happier with someone else, whether that's because of her lies, her age, or for any other reason, then you'd be doing both of you a favour by breaking it off now. Otherwise you could find yourself with 'Grass Is Greener Syndrome' in a few years time - if you're lucky enough to have more years of course!

[PlumPrincess]

The Gender Gap in U.S. Mortality

 

(December 2002) Mortality rates improved for both women and men in the second half of the 20th century. But these rates improved more rapidly for women than for men, so that until recently, the gender gap in life expectancy increased. In 1920, life expectancy at birth for females was two years greater than for males. By the 1970s, the female advantage was over seven years, but has declined since then, to six years in 2000 when life expectancy was 74 for males and 80 for females.

 

Source: The Gender Gap in U.S. Mortality

 

According to that it doesn't make sense that you worry about future health problems. Statistically speaking you both have about the same time span left.

 

And when you really love with someone, your opinion about certain things can change. Women will date a short guy although they would have sworn that they are just into tall guys or a guy from a different race, a bald guy, an overweight guy, etc. but when love strikes, all their beliefs and prejudices go out the window.

 

I'm not sure if those traditional beliefs are indeed that important to you, because if they are, it's silly and I would still say that you never truly loved her, but it's also possible that you are completely confused by her lies and you think that this is what's bothering you, while it's really the lies and the loss of trust. Falling in love with someone despite their "flaws" is a process and it's a voluntary thing. You decide on your own that you don't mind the "flaws". So having someone else take that right away from you to personally decide if something is acceptable or not is a really serious issue. You need to figure out what really bothers you.

[Surf2Day]

Worrying about the age difference isn't silly! Look, let's say you went to buy a used car and the dealer told you the car had 47,000 miles on it and charged you accordingly. Now let's say a month after the sale you found out the dealer had fiddled with the odometer and the car really had 54,000 miles on it. You might be angry when you learned the truth, and I suppose someone who is a little crazy might say to you: 'what are you complaining about - it's the same car, and an odometer reading is just a number!' Maybe, but you were lied to and overcharged, and you'd feel cheated, duped, and used. That's fraud! You probably wouldn't have bought the car if you'd known its true mileage. The 54,000 mile car is simply not likely to last as long as a car with only 47,000 miles on it. Yes, it's true, there's no guarantee that the 47,000 mile car won't break down, and yes, there are lots of 54,000 mile cars out that that are in better shape than most 47,000 mile cars. But the plain, unavoidable truth is that, other things being equal, that 47,000 mile car was better. Women aren't cars but the analogy works on some level. Run, get out!

[PlumPrincess]

Worrying about the age difference isn't silly! Look, let's say you went to buy a used car and the dealer told you the car had 47,000 miles on it and charged you accordingly. Now let's say a month after the sale you found out the dealer had fiddled with the odometer and the car really had 54,000 miles on it. You might be angry when you learned the truth, and I suppose someone who is a little crazy might say to you: 'what are you complaining about - it's the same car, and an odometer reading is just a number!' Maybe, but you were lied to and overcharged, and you'd feel cheated, duped, and used. That's fraud! You probably wouldn't have bought the car if you'd known its true mileage. The 54,000 mile car is simply not likely to last as long as a car with only 47,000 miles on it. Yes, it's true, there's no guarantee that the 47,000 mile car won't break down, and yes, there are lots of 54,000 mile cars out that that are in better shape than most 47,000 mile cars. But the plain, unavoidable truth is that, other things being equal, that 47,000 mile car was better. Women aren't cars but the analogy works on some level. Run, get out!

It's nonsense, because statistically speaking she might only die a year earlier than he does. It's like when someone wants a Ferrari and only drives within in the city with a speedlimit of 40 miles per hour.

[Art_Critic]

Most women lie about their age,

 

My wife never lied about her age, I met her on match. in fact all the women I've ever been in a relationship with never started out the relationship with a lie.

 

To the OP: I have to believe that she has and will lie about other things. to ME when a person lies about things they really have no real reason to then the basis of not being truthful is who they are.

 

You mentioned that she borrowed a lot of money during the courting phase.. IMO there is more there...is she being truthful about her debt ?

[Art_Critic]

I'm going to go against what I percieve to be the tide here. Yes, she lied. But not about whether she was seeing anybody else, or being a hooker in her youth, or about her drug use or criminal record; she lied about her age. Why? Well, one reason could certainly be because she knew how strongly you felt about it.

 

And I don't get it. This is the same woman you've known and presumably loved for the past 2.5 years. She's the same woman, Jim.

 

Yeah, you are right that it is the same woman GT, but it is also the same woman who kept this a secret for those same 2.5 years, to me the make-up of a person or what they are made of is pretty important, is his wife to be someone who would lie to him about other things ?

 

I guess in the end it's up to him to decide if this is a one off or if this is who she is, someone who deceives rather than is honest to the same person they love.

 

If in the end he feels it's a one off then you are 100% correct but if it isn't a one off then.......

[Jim305]

What about a break until you figure out what you want? You need space to figure out what you want to do next. Help your fiancée understand that while you love her, the betrayal has thrown you for a loop.

 

Nyla, thanks, I'm thinking of doing this. I hesitate because I don't want to hurt her - she'd interpret a 2-week break as the first step toward the end. I'm so concerned about hurting her, but have have to think of myself & my needs, too. This is all feeling so impossibly HARD!

[Jim305]

If you love her so much and she is so amazing, why leave her? Time is precious as you yourself seem to realize. Why leave someone you love so much over something so trivial? And leave her to do what exactly? It's not like leaving her guarantees that you will find someone x amount of years old, that you love, that is just as amazing, that you have all these things in common with, and wants to do the same things you want to with the time you have left.

 

heartshaped, this deception and age difference don't seem trivial to me. But I hear your point, & it's completely stopping me from leaving! I know there's so much good in what we have. Love is NOT EASY to find.

[Jim305]

I know this is a difficult decision for you if you've had a hard time finding compatible people to date...

 

That's putting it mildly, KathyM. This is another thought that is really stopping me from leaving. The thought of being back OUT THERE again is not at all appealing.

[LittleTiger]

That's putting it mildly, KathyM. This is another thought that is really stopping me from leaving. The thought of being back OUT THERE again is not at all appealing.

 

So you'd rather stick with someone you're no longer happy with and no longer trust - just so that you're not alone and don't have to get back out there?

 

That's an awesome reason for spending the rest of your life with someone! NOT!!!

 

I suspect that you know what you want to do but you're too scared to do it because you're just as afraid of being alone as she is.

[Debanked]

Jim, you state you love her but you are willing to throw her away because of the age difference? That doesn't sound like love and I think you're looking for a way out and using this drama as an excuse.

[Jim305]

It might sound a bit grim but there is a great exercise for prioritising your values. Imagine if you knew right now that you wouldn't make it past 48. What would you want to do with the last year of your life? Who would you want to spend it with and where?

 

I could be wrong, but my guess is you're not quite as happy in this relationship as you want to be. You keep saying how much she loves you and how important that is, but what about how you feel about her? Sure, you obviously care about her or the decision would be easy, but your focus seems to be on what she will lose rather than what you will lose.

 

If you think you would be happier with someone else, whether that's because of her lies, her age, or for any other reason, then you'd be doing both of you a favour by breaking it off now. Otherwise you could find yourself with 'Grass Is Greener Syndrome' in a few years time...

 

LittleTigger, you're very perceptive, & you've about hit the nail on the head. If I knew I had only a year to live, I'd stay with her and be happy about it. But I have to think about the years beyond just the next one and, you're right, I could get 'grass is greener' syndrome, and that wouldn't be good for her or me. I'm not sure I could find a "someone else." It's so very, very hard to connect these days...

 

But you really touched a nerve by writing that I'm not as happy in this relationship as I'd like to be. It hasn't been storybook, even before I discovered her lie about her age. I keep saying I love her but, frankly, I'm not sure what that means anymore. I wanted this to work out so badly, I tried so hard... I'm a really sensitive person, maybe too sensitive, & I'm working so hard to see things from her point of view and to avoid causing her any pain or hurting her. But I have needs and wants, too!

 

I've made a lot of dumb romantic mistakes over the years, pursuing women I shouldn't have and bypassing those I should have started something with. I've passed-up good women for silly reasons. I don't want to make any more mistakes, I feel like time is running out, and I'm doubting that I could find someone better - all terrifying thoughts.

 

It's not just the age difference that bothers me. It's not just that she lied. When I was on Match.com, I looked at each woman's profile carefully, not just to see if she's what I wanted, but to make sure I'm what she might want. I mean, what's the point of emailing her and going through the whole exercise if I'm not what she wants? If I saw a woman who explicitly said she wants a 6'4" guy who can bench press 300 pounds, well, I'd leave that woman alone because that's not me - why waste both our time? But my fiancee didn't do that. She either didn't even look at my age range or saw it and didn't care and then got involved with me knowing she wasn't in that range. Granted, I encountered several women who did this, but all of them truthed-up by the second or third date - THEY DIDN'T WAIT 2.5 YEARS TO REVEAL THE TRUTH. And my fiancee didn't even reveal it - I had to catch her. So she ignored what I wanted right from the start.

 

Once our relationship got started and she heard my comments and thoughts about age and such, she just said nothing & kept going. Now, even from her own selfish point of view, why would she do that? If I were in that situation, I'd be thinking: "Okay, clearly I'm not what this guy says he wants & he thinks I am. What is he going to do when he finds out? He might end it. If he's going to break my heart over this, better that he do it now rather than later when a breakup will hurt a lot more. If he's okay with my age, then great, at last I'll know." But by keeping silent and investing more in a relationship partly grounded in a lie, she's only increased the amount of heartbreak SHE'LL feel - why would she do that? Forgetting about my needs for the moment, it wasn't in HER interest to do that, because now she's lost the last 2.5 years that she could've spent finding someone she fits better with. What she did was totally illogical - and that's the third thing that scares me. She has a history of making crazy, not totally rational choices in other aspects of her life, and this has been the cause of many of our other problems.

 

She just woke up a few minutes ago, I went out to see her, she looked gloomy and unhappy, she's afraid of what I might do. I thank her for her card, tell her how nice she made my Mom's birthday last night, I tell her I love her, she says she loves me too. I can't hide my own anxiety and this makes it worse. We're not smiling, we're sad & afraid, we both know what might be coming, she's feeling totally at my mercy & says so. I look at her, see this beautiful troubled woman I love & care so much about, I see her in pain & can't bear it, I say can we get together later, she says sure. I look at her then & I don't see the lie but, yes, the age difference is there, I want to forget about that, too, now. Crying pretty hard, now as I write, the whole story with strange judgment, lying, the age gap, it all comes back to me. She's alone now driving off to her place, wanting me terribly and me not sure I really want her... Have to go and think... If I could just get rid of all the pain and garbage... Does she stay or does she go, that's the question. It's got to be answered. We can't keep this up. Oh, God, what am I going to do?

[Got it]

I would recommend a therapist to help you work through this. I think there are a number issues that need to be looked at and prioritized.

 

But my concern is you are less focused on the pieces of her that you love about her and more about what she loves about you/loves you.

 

Are you talking yourself into staying with her? You need to be honest with her as well as you expect her to be honest with you.

 

Is the age a deal breaker? Is the lying a deal breaker? Can either piece be able to be worked through and forgiven? Is there any compromising on either piece?

 

Are you better off alone or compromising with her?

[veggirl]

You are so obsessed with the idea that she is like, knocking on death's door, a mere days from being considered elderly. It's just not true! And I mean you are willing to date 7 yrs younger, well shouldn't you consider that to those gals YOU will be "old" and near death and nearly unable to...hike?! So you should probably save them the troubles of having to deal with a geezer with one foot in the grave, right? I mean, in 7 years won't you be that? but the 7 year younger gal will only be your current age. How can you justify dating a girl 7 years younger in the future when you will be "out of commission" in a few years and she won't be?

 

I can't wrap my head over your obsession with the idea that she's like, basically elderly but you are a young spry kid or something. You guys are basically the same age. Just break UP with her since you are obviously not going to get over her age. I'm actually starting to feel sorry for her! She lied so dump her for it if you want, that is perfectly fine! but quit dragging it out and talking like she is 90 years old!

Edited September 22, 2013 by veggirl

[Nyla]

Nyla, thanks, I'm thinking of doing this. I hesitate because I don't want to hurt her - she'd interpret a 2-week break as the first step toward the end. I'm so concerned about hurting her, but have have to think of myself & my needs, too. This is all feeling so impossibly HARD!

 

You keep saying you don't want to hurt your fiancée, which is very noble of you. However, please be mindful of the fact that she didn't care about hurting you when she lied for so long.

 

Worry about yourself and how you are going to get past this. If your fiancée did not want a break to occur, she should have been more honest.

[81West]

Ugh. What an awful situation. You seem like a decent man and you can't make this decision with any confidence from the middle of it. I agree with the previous suggestion that you take some time and distance to think outside of the pressure and distortion of the immediate situation. You need to see what it actually feels like without her. You need to see if you will miss her to the point that something like clarity arrives. You could ask her to turn her extra years of life into a positive for you both by calling on that maturity to give you some space to think and feel even though that would be really difficult for her.

 

The risk always is that she'll arrive at her own clarity too though in that time and space where she's forced to sit with her fear. Out of self protection that can turn into anger and resentment and a diminishment of your status in her eyes. Even though you seem to hold all the cards (and the weight of the situation) right now, that possibility exists.

[anna121]

I too think it's unfair to assume that you don't love her just because you're having a hard time with this.

 

Preferences are funny things. Often, they aren't particularly rational. There's been lots of good data posted on this thread to dispute the idea that there are logical reasons why preferring a younger woman makes sense. I even agree with them for the most part. I've always preferred younger men, myself.

 

But that approach misses the point about preferences. They are ours to have, and to muck up as badly as we please.

 

By deceiving you for so long, she was essentially saying "Your preference makes no sense, and I will prove it to you. You will fall in love with me despite my ACTUAL age, based on a false belief of what it actually is."

 

IMO, even IF you ultimately decide to stay with her, what she has done is a base form of manipulation. I'm not saying she's unique in this, not at all. But it doesn't surprise me that someone would, even years after the fact, react very negatively to that manipulation and question the entire basis of the relationship. There mere fact that it seems to ME to be a trivial preference, isn't the point. It's that it was YOURS to follow or discard as you please, and she denied you that choice.

[Jim305]

take some time and distance to think outside of the pressure and distortion of the immediate situation. You need to see what it actually feels like without her. You need to see if you will miss her to the point that something like clarity arrives. ... The risk always is that she'll arrive at her own clarity too though in that time and space where she's forced to sit with her fear.

 

Just called her and asked for exactly this. 81West, your post convinced me to try it. She expected this & accepted it. Couldn't bear to cut her off completely, though; we'll still talk & text.

 

Think it's good to move her away, just for a bit, to see how I feel and have alone time. Told her I'd pay for it if she wanted to go see our therapist, or any other counsellor, by herself. Need to get rid of some of this pressure for awhile. Work tomorrow, have to concentrate. Feel slightly, just slightly, better...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Except she's not really the same woman, is she, GorillaTheatre? I just thought of this: I love to hike, be outside, and go rock climbing. Recently we were on a trip near a big forest and I wanted to go hiking through it; she didn't. Now, let's say I were right now with a woman who's 44 not 54. In five years this 44 year-old will be 49 - will she be able to go rock climbing? Probably. But, in five years, my fiancee will be 59 - will she want to go and do that? Unlikely.

 

I'm starting to get at the heart of what's scarring me. With a woman in my preferred age range, we'd have maybe 8 to 10 years to enjoy all sorts of stuff I've always looked forward to sharing with a woman. With a woman who's 54, those possibilities either go away or become what you have to admit is at least substantially limited. Yes, her personality is the same, her values and history are more or less the same. She's the same physical person but she's not the person she said she was, not the person I said clearly that I wanted. My age range was chosen because I wanted time. More time to do what I was looking forward to doing with a woman.

 

When she spent these last 2.5 years lying to me, she wasn't thinking about what I wanted, she was only thinking about what she wanted. And she knew what I wanted, didn't she. I understand - nature sucks, the lifespan is so short, it sucks that we have to age, grow old, and pass away. I only have so much time and I wanted to spend it doing certain things and now that time has been cut very much shorter than I'd planned. If I go with her, then I will never get this time back. I will never have some of those experiences I would have had with someone my own age or younger. I will never have those, now. I will miss out on them. This is what she proposes that I give up for her. I don't think it's fair that she do that. I don't think it was right for her to lie to me when she was, in fact, making me believe she's something she's not - that she'll give me things she can't give. I understand why she did it, though. SHE put us in this position. She's very attractive - isn't there some 55 year-old guy out there who could've made her happy? If you say you value honesty so highly, then don't you have to actually BE honest? I know she loves me and that I'm what she wants. But by doing this, she's taken away the possibility for me to have what I want. That is the crux of this thing.

 

She says she can already tell I'm looking at her differently, and she's right, I am. I'm sorry, I can't help it. It is the traditional way that the man be older and I'm a traditional guy. Oh, God, I see now where this is going! I hate this! I told her earlier today I thought I was going to be okay with this, which might not be true but it's what she desperately wants to hear. I told her I love her, which I do, but this doesn't change the approaching nastiness and unpleasantness of the situation. What grief this all is! I'm having dinner with her in an hour. I guess I better go and get ready. I simultaneously want to end it and not end it, I feel compelled to both leave her and stay with her. My stomach is all tight and my head is dizzy - how am I going to find a way out of this.

 

Note to all men on Match.com: look at her damn driver's license, and don't take no for an answer! I hope we're both going to be okay.

 

 

 

 

 

Something is amiss with you logic:

 

 

If scientists invent some brand new piece of technology, and they analyze the core of the earth, and discover, for some reason, that the earth is 700,000 years older than they thought it was... it is still the same earth.

 

You also mention life being short:

 

 

Well if you think you can drop her like a hot rock, and rewind, back to the beginning of a suitable relationship with someone else, and then invest yourself, re-starting from the ground up again, before taking off like a running back in open field some 3-ish years from now, then go ahead...

 

 

 

With regard to life, though, it is probably more sensible to stay where you are.

 

Firstly, the life expectancy for those born in 1966 (if I derived your birth year accurately) is such that, a female born 7 years prior, is, on average, expected to reach an age somewhere near to 5 or 6 years higher than the last birthday that random male will reach.

 

So if this is merely about the relative age thing - it doesn't hold water. You'll probably die within months of one another .

 

We all know, also, that you could be rendered crippled and helpless before either one of you gets out rock climbing again.

 

 

I'll give you credit about the lie being significant, but given the scenario for which she lied, along with her keen instincts about (her being interested in you romantically, and likely having a good feeling about that) - I think we have to give her the benefit of the doubt over you. As it was you in the first place who posted an arbitrary limitation/window relating to the age of responders.

 

Surely you know how wrong you would be if you had written "only (martians/green people) need apply". Age is fine as an arbitrary way to sift through more data than one can possibly handle, but when one person steps forward from the line-up before you, (and proves to you, over 2 1/2 years, that you are a good romantic match together), then stop goofing around with all of the data and observe the reality in front of your eyes. (if it mattered that much, you would have been able to tell by the number of rings around her trunk, during 2 1/2 years, that she was of unsuitable vintage/quality).

 

The fact that you have created something with her for 2 1/2 years, establishes clearly that she has something to offer you no matter your discriminatory standards.

 

As always, consider your options first... but this is just one that you should let slide.