Fiancee Lied for 2.5 Years About 7-Year Age Gap

[Mr. Lucky]

I can't help but wonder if this is less about about the relationship - which you describe in mostly positive terms - and more about your own mortality and angst over coming to terms with middle age and beyond. We all go through that transition from youth and it's limitless horizons to the next stage, a journey often made more difficult as our parents age and pass away. Her younger age may have had more symbolic than real value to you and its meaning more central to you than her.

 

In short, I think you're over-thinking this as it might be pretty simple. Is your life better - happier, more rewarding, more fulfilled - with her or without her?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jim305]

To clarify: I'm much more hurt that she's been lying about this for the entire time we've been together. It's not just one lie - she told many other lies to maintain the first lie.

 

For example, I wanted us to spend a lot more time together. But she works a huge number of hours. I was willing to support her so she could drop some of her hours to be with me. She told me a bunch of reasons why she didn't want any help but now she admits the true reason was that she couldn't rely on me because she didn't know if I'd break-off with her once I found out her age.

 

When outright personal support was rejected, I tried to set her up to meet with my financial planners to help her create a retirement plan. She shot that down, too - those people charge too much, she said. I said they'd do it as a favor to me; it wouldn't cost her a dime. Nope, she didn't know anything about investments & didn't want to learn. This was all baloney - the truth is that when you go to a financial planner you discuss such things as remaining working years, age, how soon you'll need cash… She couldn't risk that, since, again, her age would be disclosed.

 

Another way I thought we'd be together more was by moving-in together. She wouldn't unless we were engaged. So we got engaged. She still wouldn't move-in; said she needed more closet space. Started building that in my house. She also wanted a safe; I said okay. She's still not moved in. Now she admits she couldn't move in b/c she'd have to bring all her personal papers & there'd be the risk I'd see one with her age on it. So she was lying about why she wasn't moving-in while I was going through all these contortions & expenses to meet her needs for moving-in.

 

Another problem we had was related to a business associate I had named Beth (name changed). Beth was in sales & was gregarious & outgoing, liked to laugh, even with me sometimes in front of my fiancee. Beth was 10 years older than me. My fiancee got convinced Beth was trying to get me into bed - this was absolutely outrageous! She thought the harmless humorous banter between Beth and me was Beth flirting. So, I said all the reasons Beth wasn't flirting w/me - Beth was happily married w/bunch of kids, a VERY devout & born-again Christian, I knew her husband, he was often around when Beth was, and thus I couldn't have an affair w/her even if I'd wanted to. I added - unfortunately - that I wasn't attracted to Beth & that she was much older than me "well over 50." My fiancé flew into a strange rage when I said that. My fiancé must have thought: "I'm over 50 & you're attracted to me, so Beth's age is no reason you wouldn't sleep with her." I never would have said that had I known my fiancees' age. My fiancee got so jealous of Beth that I had to pull-out of a business deal with Beth at a loss of $20K to myself. My personal friendship with Beth is terminated - haven't seen her since that day.

 

Of course, we're in therapy while all this is happening & my fiancé never feels it necessary to reveal that her having to create new lies to cover her age is what's causing her strange & EXTREMELY frustrating behavior & problems…the very problems we're in therapy to fix!

 

Now I see other lies in the past. When we exchanged HIV results (negative) her b-day was blacked-out, she said by her doctor to protect security. No, she blocked it out to keep her age hidden.

 

Before we went on our trip abroad & I wanted to print boarding passes from my computer, I needed her passport number, called her, she said no, she'd do it, I pressed, she said she could't find her passport (on the day of departure!?), I pressed, she said she'd find it, call me back. That was a lie, she never called me back & never intended to. I called her back, she checked-in herself. I'm frustrated, I mean we can't even cooperate on printing 2 boarding passes!?

 

What hurts me the most isn't the 7.3-year age gap, it's that she had me running in circles for 2.5 years trying to fix problems the cause of which she totally hid from me! She let me do all that without ever enlightening me!

[Arabella]

You've gotten lots of great feedback about this, but I wanted to chip in and tell you about my experience dealing with a very similar situation to yours.

 

I am young, attractive, have a career, etc. I never considered myself somebody who would have a hard time finding a good man. However, while I found plenty of men interested in me, none quite measured up to what I was looking for. Eventually, somebody came along who I thought was everything I wanted. Six months after we became involved, I flat out told him I was done looking and I wanted him for good.

 

Shortly after that, he came clean (after I prodded a little) about something he had lied about. It doesn't matter what it was, just that it was an affront to my values that I could not ignore. He knew this. I had asked him flat out several times, and he looked at me in the eye and lied about it -- before we had become involved, and afterward.

 

When I found out the truth, I was devastated. While I eventually got over the fact that he lied to me... I never quite recovered from knowing he is not who I thought he was, and he took the choice away from me back in the beginning, when I could have made a much more objective choice.

 

I told myself all the things you're telling yourself now. He's a great man in so many ways, do I really want to give him up for this one little thing? The answer goes back to the beginning. If I had known, would I have become involved with him? NO. Sure, we love each other, and we've got so much history together, and we have a child on the way... but he is still not the man I thought he was, and this eats away at me sometimes.

 

Since I made the choice to stay, I decided that I needed to stop dwelling in the past... but this is easier said than done. Sometimes, it's very difficult to ignore his past.

 

It has been seven months since I found out. Looking back, I know staying was the wrong choice to make for myself. I did not stay true to my values. I stay with him because I love him, and because he is great in so many ways, and because he is the father of my child... but I always have that nagging feeling in the back of my mind. This is because I know that, if it weren't for the love I have for him now, I would never have put up with it. In the end, it came down to following my heart, or following my values... and my heart won, in spite of myself.

 

I hope this helps you make a decision. Unfortunately, in your situation, there is simply no good choice.. just painful choices, and slightly less painful ones.

 

-A

[Jim305]

& BTW, at the same time she's doing all this, she's got the gall to constantly preach to me about how a couple should be totally honest with one another, disclosing absolutely everything, never holding anything back!

[dichotomy]

You've gotten lots of great feedback about this, but I wanted to chip in and tell you about my experience dealing with a very similar situation to yours.

 

I am young, attractive, have a career, etc. I never considered myself somebody who would have a hard time finding a good man. However, while I found plenty of men interested in me, none quite measured up to what I was looking for. Eventually, somebody came along who I thought was everything I wanted. Six months after we became involved, I flat out told him I was done looking and I wanted him for good.

 

Shortly after that, he came clean (after I prodded a little) about something he had lied about. It doesn't matter what it was, just that it was an affront to my values that I could not ignore. He knew this. I had asked him flat out several times, and he looked at me in the eye and lied about it -- before we had become involved, and afterward.

 

When I found out the truth, I was devastated. While I eventually got over the fact that he lied to me... I never quite recovered from knowing he is not who I thought he was, and he took the choice away from me back in the beginning, when I could have made a much more objective choice.

 

I told myself all the things you're telling yourself now. He's a great man in so many ways, do I really want to give him up for this one little thing? The answer goes back to the beginning. If I had known, would I have become involved with him? NO. Sure, we love each other, and we've got so much history together, and we have a child on the way... but he is still not the man I thought he was, and this eats away at me sometimes.

 

Since I made the choice to stay, I decided that I needed to stop dwelling in the past... but this is easier said than done. Sometimes, it's very difficult to ignore his past.

 

It has been seven months since I found out. Looking back, I know staying was the wrong choice to make for myself. I did not stay true to my values. I stay with him because I love him, and because he is great in so many ways, and because he is the father of my child... but I always have that nagging feeling in the back of my mind. This is because I know that, if it weren't for the love I have for him now, I would never have put up with it. In the end, it came down to following my heart, or following my values... and my heart won, in spite of myself.

 

I hope this helps you make a decision. Unfortunately, in your situation, there is simply no good choice.. just painful choices, and slightly less painful ones.

 

-A

 

Wow, just wow. This was a powerful post and really hit home with me. I could have... it means.. just wow again ..and Thank you. I am so glad I got involved with this site and that you shared this.

Edited September 23, 2013 by dichotomy

[Arabella]

Wow, just wow. This was a powerful post and really hit home with me. I could have... it means.. just wow again ..and Thank you. I am so glad I got involved with this site and that you shared this.

 

You're welcome. I just wanted to share a perspective 7 months down the road from having made a very similar decision to the OP.

 

Just for clarification... I don't necessarily regret the choice I made. I am happy now for the most part. But this choice came at a hefty cost, and some of these feelings are hard to deal with sometimes.

 

Something to consider if the OP (or anyone else) is trying to make such a choice...

[dichotomy]

You're welcome. I just wanted to share a perspective 7 months down the road from having made a very similar decision to the OP.

 

Just for clarification... I don't necessarily regret the choice I made. I am happy now for the most part. But this choice came at a hefty cost, and some of these feelings are hard to deal with sometimes.

 

Something to consider if the OP (or anyone else) is trying to make such a choice...

 

In understand completely. I am seven years down the road from something similar, yet different.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

To clarify: I'm much more hurt that she's been lying about this for the entire time we've been together. It's not just one lie - she told many other lies to maintain the first lie.

 

For example, I wanted us to spend a lot more time together. But she works a huge number of hours. I was willing to support her so she could drop some of her hours to be with me. She told me a bunch of reasons why she didn't want any help but now she admits the true reason was that she couldn't rely on me because she didn't know if I'd break-off with her once I found out her age.

 

When outright personal support was rejected, I tried to set her up to meet with my financial planners to help her create a retirement plan. She shot that down, too - those people charge too much, she said. I said they'd do it as a favor to me; it wouldn't cost her a dime. Nope, she didn't know anything about investments & didn't want to learn. This was all baloney - the truth is that when you go to a financial planner you discuss such things as remaining working years, age, how soon you'll need cash… She couldn't risk that, since, again, her age would be disclosed.

 

Another way I thought we'd be together more was by moving-in together. She wouldn't unless we were engaged. So we got engaged. She still wouldn't move-in; said she needed more closet space. Started building that in my house. She also wanted a safe; I said okay. She's still not moved in. Now she admits she couldn't move in b/c she'd have to bring all her personal papers & there'd be the risk I'd see one with her age on it. So she was lying about why she wasn't moving-in while I was going through all these contortions & expenses to meet her needs for moving-in.

 

Another problem we had was related to a business associate I had named Beth (name changed). Beth was in sales & was gregarious & outgoing, liked to laugh, even with me sometimes in front of my fiancee. Beth was 10 years older than me. My fiancee got convinced Beth was trying to get me into bed - this was absolutely outrageous! She thought the harmless humorous banter between Beth and me was Beth flirting. So, I said all the reasons Beth wasn't flirting w/me - Beth was happily married w/bunch of kids, a VERY devout & born-again Christian, I knew her husband, he was often around when Beth was, and thus I couldn't have an affair w/her even if I'd wanted to. I added - unfortunately - that I wasn't attracted to Beth & that she was much older than me "well over 50." My fiancé flew into a strange rage when I said that. My fiancé must have thought: "I'm over 50 & you're attracted to me, so Beth's age is no reason you wouldn't sleep with her." I never would have said that had I known my fiancees' age. My fiancee got so jealous of Beth that I had to pull-out of a business deal with Beth at a loss of $20K to myself. My personal friendship with Beth is terminated - haven't seen her since that day.

 

Of course, we're in therapy while all this is happening & my fiancé never feels it necessary to reveal that her having to create new lies to cover her age is what's causing her strange & EXTREMELY frustrating behavior & problems…the very problems we're in therapy to fix!

 

Now I see other lies in the past. When we exchanged HIV results (negative) her b-day was blacked-out, she said by her doctor to protect security. No, she blocked it out to keep her age hidden.

 

Before we went on our trip abroad & I wanted to print boarding passes from my computer, I needed her passport number, called her, she said no, she'd do it, I pressed, she said she could't find her passport (on the day of departure!?), I pressed, she said she'd find it, call me back. That was a lie, she never called me back & never intended to. I called her back, she checked-in herself. I'm frustrated, I mean we can't even cooperate on printing 2 boarding passes!?

 

What hurts me the most isn't the 7.3-year age gap, it's that she had me running in circles for 2.5 years trying to fix problems the cause of which she totally hid from me! She let me do all that without ever enlightening me!

 

 

 

Again, you have the right to be miffed about the lie itself... but this new paragraph works as would a court document against your cause.

 

The point being, that you yourself have now clearly stated that all of these other tangents trace directly back to the first lie.

 

Thus, when one steps out from behind the first lie, all of the other impasses and related frustrations correct themselves!.

 

 

So far, just from reading your words, its as if this woman took the Driver's test at the local DMV, and forgot to set the emergency brake while parked on a hill, and was docked two points for that. (she still scores a '98')

 

And you don't even get to take-out on her the shock and dismay you may be letting yourself feel about having for so long been banging some old fossil, and enjoying it!

 

 

 

This little piece of information has set off a row of dominoes which will by itself 'fix' many of your other stated frustrations.

 

 

If this were a math equation, where you could see the answers in the back of the book, you would clearly make every effort to overcome this, and move forward in your shared relationship.

 

Instead, it is some stubborn resistance... a pride thing... an ego thing... where you ARE reacting in EXACTLY the fashion she anticipated long ago... which is/was the very reason she didn't tell you the truth.

 

 

You don't really need a math book to solve this one (no matter your many efforts earlier in this thread).

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

Shortly after that, he came clean (after I prodded a little) about something he had lied about. It doesn't matter what it was...

 

 

When I found out the truth, I was devastated.

-A

 

 

 

Aw, c'mon, "it doesn't matter what it was" ???

 

 

IF, say, he'd been sleeping with you and exposing you to some STD (which he knew he had)... that is a lot worse than having merely lied about one's age in the stated context.

 

 

I feel that I have read and understood the big picture presented by the OP, and while he has every right to dwell on this being a 'lie' - it WAS, contrary to his beliefs, only one sort-of-understandable lie which necessitated the other lies he cites, as if they were independent.

 

 

Now given where the OP is at, it really does make the most sense, when in his position, to do whatever it takes to give this proven relationship a chance to thrive into the future.

 

And who knows, a really sharp wordsmith could contort this into the OP having first lied (on his dating profile - gasp!) about the implication that he could not be compatible with someone older than his stated age range.

 

 

While I would not say that the lying itself should be taken lightly, the OP, as described, should still weigh everything as if contemplating the world such as it is TODAY, and only then deciding the best course of action from this point.

 

If he feels that having banged that old lady has forever marked him... then he is forever marked, and he must deal from that point, while remaining incapable of rewinding back to the point of the infraction (as they might do in football).

[Nyla]

& BTW, at the same time she's doing all this, she's got the gall to constantly preach to me about how a couple should be totally honest with one another, disclosing absolutely everything, never holding anything back!

 

 

That is a some heavy duty cognitive dissonance!

 

Maybe I shouldn't be surprised since your fiancée was comfortable deceiving you for years...

 

Be careful. Guard your heart.

[Nyla]

You've gotten lots of great feedback about this, but I wanted to chip in and tell you about my experience dealing with a very similar situation to yours.

 

I am young, attractive, have a career, etc. I never considered myself somebody who would have a hard time finding a good man. However, while I found plenty of men interested in me, none quite measured up to what I was looking for. Eventually, somebody came along who I thought was everything I wanted. Six months after we became involved, I flat out told him I was done looking and I wanted him for good.

 

Shortly after that, he came clean (after I prodded a little) about something he had lied about. It doesn't matter what it was, just that it was an affront to my values that I could not ignore. He knew this. I had asked him flat out several times, and he looked at me in the eye and lied about it -- before we had become involved, and afterward.

 

When I found out the truth, I was devastated. While I eventually got over the fact that he lied to me... I never quite recovered from knowing he is not who I thought he was, and he took the choice away from me back in the beginning, when I could have made a much more objective choice.

 

I told myself all the things you're telling yourself now. He's a great man in so many ways, do I really want to give him up for this one little thing? The answer goes back to the beginning. If I had known, would I have become involved with him? NO. Sure, we love each other, and we've got so much history together, and we have a child on the way... but he is still not the man I thought he was, and this eats away at me sometimes.

 

Since I made the choice to stay, I decided that I needed to stop dwelling in the past... but this is easier said than done. Sometimes, it's very difficult to ignore his past.

 

It has been seven months since I found out. Looking back, I know staying was the wrong choice to make for myself. I did not stay true to my values. I stay with him because I love him, and because he is great in so many ways, and because he is the father of my child... but I always have that nagging feeling in the back of my mind. This is because I know that, if it weren't for the love I have for him now, I would never have put up with it. In the end, it came down to following my heart, or following my values... and my heart won, in spite of myself.

 

I hope this helps you make a decision. Unfortunately, in your situation, there is simply no good choice.. just painful choices, and slightly less painful ones.

 

-A

 

Arabella, you are a wonderfully self aware woman. Are you still going to marry your boyfriend?

 

This resonates with me because I had to make some hard choices when my husband and I were dating, as well as during our engagement and on our wedding night.

 

Outside circumstances threatened our relationship, but we managed to hold on tighter to each other and ride out the storms.

[Arabella]

Aw, c'mon, "it doesn't matter what it was" ???

 

[snip]

 

No, it really doesn't matter. It was something related to his past that in no way affected me or our present relationship. You know how some women don't date guys who have visited escorts, or who do drugs, etc. (it wasn't any of this, just an example)

 

The point of the story was that it was something against my morals that would have been a dealbreaker if I'd known before hand. Exactly the same as how the OP wanted a younger woman, and wouldn't have "settled" for his current fiancee if he had known her age beforehand.

 

Whether they move forward or not, a part of him might always feel "duped". After all, she manipulated him to become his girlfriend. That's a hard one to shake off... it taints your relationship, and he may always wonder if he could have done better. He will view her differently for a long time, and perhaps forever...

 

Only he can decide if the relationship is still worth it despite the lie. In my case, I decided it was... but as I said, it came at a cost.

 

Arabella, you are a wonderfully self aware woman. Are you still going to marry your boyfriend?

 

This resonates with me because I had to make some hard choices when my husband and I were dating, as well as during our engagement and on our wedding night.

 

Outside circumstances threatened our relationship, but we managed to hold on tighter to each other and ride out the storms.

 

Yes, marriage is still in the cards for us. We've been in recovery and we're doing quite well, but still have a ways to go.

 

We all make choices, don't we? You're never going to find someone who is 100% perfect... because nobody is. The key is finding somebody whose imperfections you can live with

[Nyla]

No, it really doesn't matter. It was something related to his past that in no way affected me or our present relationship. You know how some women don't date guys who have visited escorts, or who do drugs, etc. (it wasn't any of this, just an example)

 

The point of the story was that it was something against my morals that would have been a dealbreaker if I'd known before hand. Exactly the same as how the OP wanted a younger woman, and wouldn't have "settled" for his current fiancee if he had known her age beforehand.

 

Whether they move forward or not, a part of him might always feel "duped". After all, she manipulated him to become his girlfriend. That's a hard one to shake off... it taints your relationship, and he may always wonder if he could have done better. He will view her differently for a long time, and perhaps forever...

 

Only he can decide if the relationship is still worth it despite the lie. In my case, I decided it was... but as I said, it came at a cost.

 

 

 

Yes, marriage is still in the cards for us. We've been in recovery and we're doing quite well, but still have a ways to go.

 

We all make choices, don't we? You're never going to find someone who is 100% perfect... because nobody is. The key is finding somebody whose imperfections you can live with

 

Glad to hear that you and your fiancé are doing well.

 

I'm glad I made the choice to stay with my husband.

[Daisy7]

women lie about their age all the time, and i have never understood it. I could care less about people knowing my age whether i get older or what not it is just kind of immature to my personal believe its silly women who do this is absolutely silly we all get older is no secret nor a big deal, she should of never hid her age because if she wanted someone to love her for her and not her age etc, she would find the right guy that could care less of her age there are plenty of couples who date with a huge age difference is not a big deal. I find this ridiculous on her part.

Personally everyone says age doesn't matter but it does to a certain extend. I don't blame you i would be mad as hell.

[stillafool]

OP I bet your gf has been losing sleep at night wondering when the ball was going to drop about her age. She has been burdened with this lie for so long even she couldn't handle it anymore. Her lie was keeping her from all the good things she wanted in life with you. Whatever your decision about the relationship, know that she will never be able to forgive herself for lying if she loses you.

[Daisy7]

OP I bet your gf has been losing sleep at night wondering when the ball was going to drop about her age. She has been burdened with this lie for so long even she couldn't handle it anymore. Her lie was keeping her from all the good things she wanted in life with you. Whatever your decision about the relationship, know that she will never be able to forgive herself for lying if she loses you.

 

then she shouldn't have lied in the first place. If she knew it was a big deal after at least a date or two she should of just said the truth if he walked away after that then she got her own answer is worse to live a lie and deceive. Besides its just age, is not really a big deal. Other things are worse.

[Jim305]

The point of the story was that it was something against my morals that would have been a dealbreaker if I'd known before hand. Exactly the same as how the OP wanted a younger woman, and wouldn't have "settled" for his current fiancee if he had known her age beforehand.

 

Arabella, thanks for your kind & thoughtful responses. As you might imagine, I've thought a lot about this very issue - what would I have done if she'd just written to me at the outset something like: "I read your profile & liked it a lot. I really think we might have a lot in common, & I'd like to chat. I'm a little outside your stated age range, I'm 52, but I think I look & feel much younger. If you're interested in talking, please write." Now, I remember my state of mind at the time - I was really looking for a girlfriend & having trouble connecting. I consider myself a fairly open-minded person, too. Only a guy who's an idiot would receive a letter like that & think: "No, she's too old, forget it!" At the very least, I would have thought: "Gosh, it can't hurt to have coffee with her..." I REALLY wish she would've written such a note!

 

I took notice of the way you wrote about your decision to stay with your guy - you seem rather equivocal about whether you're happy with your choice; it sounds like there's a little regret that's nagging at you about your decision. If I stay with her, I kind of hope that later I'll sound more certain that I've made the right choice & I wouldn't want any doubt tugging at me from the back of my mind.

 

My fiancee & I are still on our little break but we're still talking & texting. She's upset & starting to feel more distant from me. Like she's thinking of breaking up with me now because she can't bear the suspense of waiting for me to make a decision. We have a therapist appointment Thursday. My friends are pressuring me heavily that the age gap shouldn't be a big deal, I guess it's not, I'm getting there, but the lying & dishonesty really bites, really hurts. I think I made a mistake when I said to her that one thing I'm having to do is adjust to the idea of being with an older woman - I don't want her focusing on that, I want her to see the honesty issue. So I sent her a text saying that I miss her, still love her, the honesty/disclosure issue is way more important than the age gap, we'll talk about it Thursday. She hasn't answered that yet, but I sent it because I don't want her sitting down @ her place thinking "Jim doesn't really love me because, if he did, then he wouldn't care how old I am." I want her to know how much the lying has hurt me & that, if she wants me, she needs to reassure me that she understands what she did, regrets it, & will be honest on everything else in future.

[Purepony]

I don't think it's a big deal because it's common for women to lie about their age. Is she was lying about something like her background or maybe Financial, divorce or marriage work even the HIV results that would be an issue.

[Jim305]

I've decided to take her back!

I'm feeling so many emotions right now - maybe the biggest one is just relief.

We talked this morning, she was intensely upset & me too. Life is so short, it shouldn't be filled with all all that pain & hell. She loves me, really, truly, & deeply. I don't want to be without her. I don't want to be alone. I REALLY didn't want to send her away - I couldn't make myself do it. She didn't lie about anything else, I believe her, & I guess age really is just a number.

She's working now with patients (she in medical field) so I just sent her three texts saying how much I still love her, she's my best love, how could I leave her?, it will be okay, let's build an easier happier fun life!

She hasn't answered yet, I'll call her later. I hope she'll stay & go forward.

 

Best of luck to all of us!

[Jim305]

Peace, bothers & sisters!

[Jim305]

Oh, crap, she just sent a text: "Love you, too, Honey. Thank you for your text..." with a broken heart emoticon. I replied "Are you happy? I need to hear that you're happy." No response. Things were calm & clear for a few minutes, now here I am, right back in the storm.....

[pink_sugar]

Glad to hear that you and your fiancé are doing well.

 

I'm glad I made the choice to stay with my husband.

 

Nyla and Arabella, I find your stories inspiring. At this point, I have hope that my husband and I can make our marriage last as well. A lot of things have happened that have almost split us apart and caused me grief. I think I may be able to overcome and forgive him in time for those bad decisions he's made....if they are not repeated. A lot of work is in order though, but I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Things are improving for us slowly.

[melodymatters]

Deep breaths Jim, she's going to need a little time to be able to relax back into your relationship. I've never had to wait on pins and needles to see if I was going to be throw over re: one detail/lie/whatever, but I'm pretty sure it would take me a bit to start trusting HIM again.

 

This to me is actually irrelevant to all you posted but just as an FYI :I'm tiny and young looking and after a mess of bad relationships with men my age I dated a younger guy. We fell in love, married, he developed a seizure disorder and died at 24 yrs old.

 

I was devastated by my widowhood and didn't date for nearly three yrs. When I started dating again, men my age in their 40's, I "lucked out" and met three psycho's in a row. Meanwhile there was a guy at work who was a friend, he had a crush on me but he was "too young". I don't think I even told him my age, just 40's, and because I figured it would just be a fling after not kissing or being held by a man in 3 yrs, I didn't worry about ANY future stuff at all. Well, turns out now WE are going on two years of the happiest marriage anyone could ever experience. He has an out of wedlock high school mistake kid with a psycho baby mama, which was one of MY deal breakers. I'm 18 yrs older than he. F*ck it, we love each other so much we can get through ANYTHING together ( and trust me, we've already been through a LOT !)

 

Oh, and by the way, despite his lovely birth certificate numbers being higher than mine, he's 6'6, and his back and knee's ALWAYS hurt. I'm a former dancer who can still put her feet behind her head, so guess who's the big hold up here when it comes time to " rock climb" ?

[KathyM]

OP I bet your gf has been losing sleep at night wondering when the ball was going to drop about her age. She has been burdened with this lie for so long even she couldn't handle it anymore. Her lie was keeping her from all the good things she wanted in life with you. Whatever your decision about the relationship, know that she will never be able to forgive herself for lying if she loses you.

If she loses him over this lie, it will be a hard lesson learned for her, but a valuable lesson nevertheless: You don't lie and mislead a person who is looking for a relationship with you. It is not fair to the person you are lying and manipulating, and the lie will come out eventually, and the fact that you lied will cause damage to the relationship, which many cannot recover from.

[KathyM]

I've decided to take her back!

I'm feeling so many emotions right now - maybe the biggest one is just relief.

We talked this morning, she was intensely upset & me too. Life is so short, it shouldn't be filled with all all that pain & hell. She loves me, really, truly, & deeply. I don't want to be without her. I don't want to be alone. I REALLY didn't want to send her away - I couldn't make myself do it. She didn't lie about anything else, I believe her, & I guess age really is just a number.

She's working now with patients (she in medical field) so I just sent her three texts saying how much I still love her, she's my best love, how could I leave her?, it will be okay, let's build an easier happier fun life!

She hasn't answered yet, I'll call her later. I hope she'll stay & go forward.

 

Best of luck to all of us!

Good luck with that. Stay in counseling. That's all I can say.