Fiancee Lied for 2.5 Years About 7-Year Age Gap

[pink_sugar]

This is true. My age preferences have always been for older men; my husband is 39 and I am 31. I think that is a perfect age difference. If I was single, I would only date men between 5-10 years older than me. I don't have the patience for younger men and older guys have been far more understanding about my health problems and emotional difficulties.

 

Amen, my husband is 6 years older. I couldn't imagine myself with a younger man unless he happens to be really mature for his age, which is a rarity. It's also practicality. If I were to date again, I'd want a man to be somewhat financially stable...doesn't need to be rich, but have minimal debt and a decent paying job. Have his own place and etc. I'd say 10 years is about my maximum. I say that because I do think age matters to some extent....you need to have things in common. I am not ready for kids, so that means the guy would need to be comfortable with waiting until late thirties to have kids as I don't want kids until I am at least 30.

[Sparty97]

No, I'm saying I don't get it

 

Which is a form of criticism.

[Mascara]

Except she's not really the same woman, is she, GorillaTheatre? I just thought of this: I love to hike, be outside, and go rock climbing. Recently we were on a trip near a big forest and I wanted to go hiking through it; she didn't. Now, let's say I were right now with a woman who's 44 not 54. In five years this 44 year-old will be 49 - will she be able to go rock climbing? Probably. But, in five years, my fiancee will be 59 - will she want to go and do that? Unlikely. .

 

But you were happy to be with someone 7 years younger? This is what I don't get. So you're 47, lets say you meet someone of 40. What would you say to her if she said she said she couldn't possibly be with you because when you're 59 she'll only be 52 and you won't be able to keep up?

[Mascara]

Which is a form of criticism.

 

What. Ever.

[Jim305]

Oh, yes, the lie bothers me! I just keep going back and forth about which bothers me more - the lie or the age difference.

[PlumPrincess]

I realize I can forgive her for lying. But I just don't want to be with someone seven years older than me.

I don't like lying. It might be the control freak in me who hates it. So if you had decided to break up with her, because she had lied and the trust between you was broken, I would have understood it, but complaining that you don't want to be with her anymore, because you can't be with someone who is seven years older than you, sounds ridiculous. On the other hand, how pathetic do you have to be to lie to make someone be interested in you, especially someone who is so adamant on the age difference.

 

You both sound as if you have a bunch of personal issues.

[Mascara]

Pink_sugar and nyla, up until a few years ago, I seemed to end up with much older men too. In your 20s and 30s, that means guys in their 40s. But as I've got older, I've found I've dated men more around my age, as I said earlier about 5 years either side. Because what I found - and you likely will too - is that those sophisticated 40 somethings become old 60-somethings - and you're still in the prime of life. It's not so exciting then. And that's when you tend to value those who are neither noticeably older OR younger.... but who share a similar past, the same social and popular history as you.

[soccerrprp]

All of this aside - and yes, the lying would be a deal breaker fo me, but it seems it's not for you - I really don't get this male preference for a certain age. I mean, you said you wanted to meet someone 7 years YOUNGER than you. (Presumably that person would have to be okay with going out with someone 7 years older.) but no more than 2 years older?

 

I mean, it's your preference and everything, but barring a desire to still have children - I have no idea why everyone isn't happy to meet people the same number of years in either direction.

 

On a personal level, since hitting my 40s I've preferred people fairly close to my age - at 42, I'd like to meet someone between 37 and 47. Why on earth do men in their late 50s approach me, when they have no interest in a woman even a few years older than they are?

 

Mascara,

 

Older men want more youthful, sexier, toned women and you don't typically come across such going up in age. I stay +-5 in either direction or so.

[Jim305]

Okay, Mascara, I see your point. I guess I wouldn't feel so good in that situation. But I did say "want" not "able." Meaning the older one might be able to do something but have no desire to, whereas the younger one wishes to and is able to. You make a very fair point, though. I shall consider it. Thanks.

[aussietigerwolf]

I think you'd be doing her a favour to dump her actually... it doesn't sound like you really love her. If I found out that my boyfriend was older than the age range I had on my profile (when I had it) then I'd probably be a little shocked at first but then "meh" why? because I love him.

[Madman81]

Except she's not really the same woman, is she, GorillaTheatre? I just thought of this: I love to hike, be outside, and go rock climbing. Recently we were on a trip near a big forest and I wanted to go hiking through it; she didn't. Now, let's say I were right now with a woman who's 44 not 54. In five years this 44 year-old will be 49 - will she be able to go rock climbing? Probably. But, in five years, my fiancee will be 59 - will she want to go and do that? Unlikely.

 

I'm starting to get at the heart of what's scarring me. With a woman in my preferred age range, we'd have maybe 8 to 10 years to enjoy all sorts of stuff I've always looked forward to sharing with a woman. With a woman who's 54, those possibilities either go away or become what you have to admit is at least substantially limited. Yes, her personality is the same, her values and history are more or less the same. She's the same physical person but she's not the person she said she was, not the person I said clearly that I wanted. My age range was chosen because I wanted time. More time to do what I was looking forward to doing with a woman.

 

When she spent these last 2.5 years lying to me, she wasn't thinking about what I wanted, she was only thinking about what she wanted. And she knew what I wanted, didn't she. I understand - nature sucks, the lifespan is so short, it sucks that we have to age, grow old, and pass away. I only have so much time and I wanted to spend it doing certain things and now that time has been cut very much shorter than I'd planned. If I go with her, then I will never get this time back. I will never have some of those experiences I would have had with someone my own age or younger. I will never have those, now. I will miss out on them. This is what she proposes that I give up for her. I don't think it's fair that she do that. I don't think it was right for her to lie to me when she was, in fact, making me believe she's something she's not - that she'll give me things she can't give. I understand why she did it, though. SHE put us in this position. She's very attractive - isn't there some 55 year-old guy out there who could've made her happy? If you say you value honesty so highly, then don't you have to actually BE honest? I know she loves me and that I'm what she wants. But by doing this, she's taken away the possibility for me to have what I want. That is the crux of this thing.

Dude, my thoughts exactly. You're the only one who can decide the right course of action in this situation. Just know that people other than you who offer you their opinions on this (including me) are just that. OTHERS. You only have one life, and only so many remaining years of it. And nobody has the right to tell you what's best for YOUR LIFE in this situation.

 

I, for one, would not fault you one iota whether you decide to continue the relationship, or end it. For what it's worth coming from an "other", I'd say both choices are equally valid in this situation.

 

You have my sympathy -- whatever happens, be sure to make the decision that's best FOR YOU.

[Mascara]

For what it's worth, the lying would be a huge deal breaker for me. Just don't make any rash decisions based on your initial anger.

[PlumPrincess]

Except she's not really the same woman, is she, GorillaTheatre? I just thought of this: I love to hike, be outside, and go rock climbing. Recently we were on a trip near a big forest and I wanted to go hiking through it; she didn't. Now, let's say I were right now with a woman who's 44 not 54. In five years this 44 year-old will be 49 - will she be able to go rock climbing? Probably. But, in five years, my fiancee will be 59 - will she want to go and do that? Unlikely.

 

I'm starting to get at the heart of what's scarring me. With a woman in my preferred age range, we'd have maybe 8 to 10 years to enjoy all sorts of stuff I've always looked forward to sharing with a woman. With a woman who's 54, those possibilities either go away or become what you have to admit is at least substantially limited. Yes, her personality is the same, her values and history are more or less the same. She's the same physical person but she's not the person she said she was, not the person I said clearly that I wanted. My age range was chosen because I wanted time. More time to do what I was looking forward to doing with a woman.

 

When she spent these last 2.5 years lying to me, she wasn't thinking about what I wanted, she was only thinking about what she wanted. And she knew what I wanted, didn't she. I understand - nature sucks, the lifespan is so short, it sucks that we have to age, grow old, and pass away. I only have so much time and I wanted to spend it doing certain things and now that time has been cut very much shorter than I'd planned. If I go with her, then I will never get this time back. I will never have some of those experiences I would have had with someone my own age or younger. I will never have those, now. I will miss out on them. This is what she proposes that I give up for her. I don't think it's fair that she do that. I don't think it was right for her to lie to me when she was, in fact, making me believe she's something she's not - that she'll give me things she can't give. I understand why she did it, though. SHE put us in this position. She's very attractive - isn't there some 55 year-old guy out there who could've made her happy? If you say you value honesty so highly, then don't you have to actually BE honest? I know she loves me and that I'm what she wants. But by doing this, she's taken away the possibility for me to have what I want. That is the crux of this thing.

 

She says she can already tell I'm looking at her differently, and she's right, I am. I'm sorry, I can't help it. It is the traditional way that the man be older and I'm a traditional guy. Oh, God, I see now where this is going! I hate this! I told her earlier today I thought I was going to be okay with this, which might not be true but it's what she desperately wants to hear. I told her I love her, which I do, but this doesn't change the approaching nastiness and unpleasantness of the situation. What grief this all is! I'm having dinner with her in an hour. I guess I better go and get ready. I simultaneously want to end it and not end it, I feel compelled to both leave her and stay with her. My stomach is all tight and my head is dizzy - how am I going to find a way out of this.

 

Note to all men on Match.com: look at her damn driver's license, and don't take no for an answer! I hope we're both going to be okay.

You never loved her. You can't because you both have GIGANTIC issues with aging. She lies about her age and you place absurd demands on your hypothetical girlfriend as if you were so fit that only a younger woman could keep up with you. I know people who are older than I am who are fitter and I know people younger than I am who are less fit. You could date 20 something who would hate climbing, hiking, or whatever activity you want to do, while there are plenty of people over 60 who go hiking regularly. You seem to have drawn the flawed conclusion that younger woman = same interests.

 

One of the most annoying sh*t I read on online dating profiles of me is that they claim to have stayed so young and fit (and hence have to contact women who are younger than them). Honestly? They all look their age, maybe even worse than the average guy their age. And they all make a quite clownish impression on me when they try to emulate teenager behavior.

[Sparty97]

Pink_sugar and nyla, up until a few years ago, I seemed to end up with much older men too. In your 20s and 30s, that means guys in their 40s. But as I've got older, I've found I've dated men more around my age, as I said earlier about 5 years either side. Because what I found - and you likely will too - is that those sophisticated 40 somethings become old 60-somethings - and you're still in the prime of life. It's not so exciting then. And that's when you tend to value those who are neither noticeably older OR younger.... but who share a similar past, the same social and popular history as you.

 

Or maybe you are simply attracted to men in their prime earning years in much the same way that men are attracted to women at the height of their physical beauty.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Life doesn't come with guarantees. Because she is x age she won't be able to ... It's not always this pretty. When we choose a partner there is no promise of what the future holds. She could remain "young" and healthy while you develop a disability. Would you expect her to accept you? It's a risk we take. Life is messy, age is a number not a definition of ones abilities.

 

A comedian once stated that he married an older woman because you can fix beauty you can't fix stupid. He admired the intelligence and life experience of his woman. What is more important to you.

[Jim305]

We just went to dinner and talked, but we were both too upset to eat. She loves me so hard it's hurting her. She's terrified I'll leave. How often in life does someone come across your path who loves you that much? How can you walk away from that? Even if I decide I want to, I am going to have a very hard time sending her away. She loves me truly - and that's the rare thing we're all supposed to want and search for. Yeah, she screwed up, made mistakes, but there you have it.

 

But do I love her? I think so but my emotions are so snarled from this and a bunch of previous issues that I'm having trouble seeing the forest through the trees. I've always wanted to be loved unconditionally, and she's willing to give me that. Should I really let 7 years & 7 months get in the way? It's not ideal, it's not what I started out wanting, but here we are. Still, I can't talk myself into something that's not what I really want. What is really important here? I so much appreciate everyone's responses, and now I see that staying and leaving would both be defensible courses of action. I'm sure I need some time to think and reflect a bit - it's hard for her, but she'll give me that. It's up to me, now, to decide what's really important and what I really want.

[lucy_in_disguise]

It sucks that she lied, but I don't think you really love her.

[Nyla]

Amen, my husband is 6 years older. I couldn't imagine myself with a younger man unless he happens to be really mature for his age, which is a rarity. It's also practicality. If I were to date again, I'd want a man to be somewhat financially stable...doesn't need to be rich, but have minimal debt and a decent paying job. Have his own place and etc. I'd say 10 years is about my maximum. I say that because I do think age matters to some extent....you need to have things in common. I am not ready for kids, so that means the guy would need to be comfortable with waiting until late thirties to have kids as I don't want kids until I am at least 30.

 

Older men are not always more mature. I knew some very immature and childish older men when I was single.

 

As for financial stability, that can be taken away in an instant. Some older men are financially stable but very cheap and selfish misers; I'm talking about men who own homes and boats, yet complain about the cost of gas to pick up their dates.

 

An affluent man can lose his well paying job or make poor investments. One of the reasons my husband wanted me to be his wife is I never turned my back on him when the recession took his job.

[LittleTiger]

It's up to me, now, to decide what's really important and what I really want.

 

From everything you've written in this thread, I think what you 'really want' is something you can never have - a cast iron guarantee of an imaginary ideal future.

 

If you can't forgive your fiancé for lying, that's understandable, but if you're seriously considering giving up the best relationship you've ever had because of the possibility that she might be different in a few years time, then you are not the kind of person who should be in any long term relationship.

 

People change, we ALL grow older, **** happens! It might be you who becomes incapable of leading an active life in your 50s, while your fiancé stays fit, healthy and physically active well into her 70s.

 

I'm 48 and my fiancé is nine months younger. When we met four years ago I was physically very fit, an ex competitive swimmer, I still swam a mile and a half most days, worked out in the gym, enjoyed rock climbing and spent most weekends hiking in the mountains. Due to unforeseen serious illness, I've spent a large percentage of the past two years 'incapacitated'! I hope, one day, that I will fully recover but, for the foreseeable future, I (we) have to live with the fact that I can only swim short distances, I struggle with lifting heavy weights, I can no longer rock climb and my hiking is limited to a few hours on a good day.

 

My fiancé is a competitive ultra distance runner and he values physical fitness and an active lifestyle above most things. More than anything else though, he loves me. He has stood by me and supported me and done everything he can to help me feel good about myself and about our future - regardless of the eventual state of my health. I hope that, if the situation is ever reversed, I will be capable of doing the same for him.

 

I'm the telling you this just to show you that life holds no guarantees - something you ought to know at 47 - and, if you don't/can't love your fiancé 'in sickness or in health' then you probably shouldn't be with her.

 

If none of what I've said has any impact, perhaps you're really just'ashamed' or 'embarrassed' by being with an older woman? It seems to me that you both might benefit from individual counselling since you clearly both have issues with age.

 

My advice to everyone these days is to 'live in the moment'. All we have is 'now'. So make the most of it and stop worrying about what may or may not happen in the future. If you're happy with this woman, get on with enjoying your life today. There is no guarantee of a tomorrow.

[Radu]

I agree with LT, the only problem that i see with your fiance OP is that she lied for this long and this well.

It can mean trouble long term, but if the relationship is otherwise ok, i'd try to fix it instead of tearing it down.

 

And fixing it means showing her she betrayed your trust.

 

PS: I don't agree with your counselor for the above reason, otherwise he/she is spot on.

[Got it]

We just went to dinner and talked, but we were both too upset to eat. She loves me so hard it's hurting her. She's terrified I'll leave. How often in life does someone come across your path who loves you that much? How can you walk away from that? Even if I decide I want to, I am going to have a very hard time sending her away. She loves me truly - and that's the rare thing we're all supposed to want and search for. Yeah, she screwed up, made mistakes, but there you have it.

 

But do I love her? I think so but my emotions are so snarled from this and a bunch of previous issues that I'm having trouble seeing the forest through the trees. I've always wanted to be loved unconditionally, and she's willing to give me that. Should I really let 7 years & 7 months get in the way? It's not ideal, it's not what I started out wanting, but here we are. Still, I can't talk myself into something that's not what I really want. What is really important here? I so much appreciate everyone's responses, and now I see that staying and leaving would both be defensible courses of action. I'm sure I need some time to think and reflect a bit - it's hard for her, but she'll give me that. It's up to me, now, to decide what's really important and what I really want.

 

I think you need to separate out what is the core issue and what may be ego preference. The focus on her being older and the assumptions of where and what she may be like in 5 years is all assumption and ego. That needs to be stopped as it is untrue. You say she didn't want to hike and may not want to rock climb in 5 years because of age. My honeymoon my husband wanted to hike, I really didn't, I am in my 30s. It didn't have much to do with age, just preference.

 

I do agree lying for that long is a HUGE issue. It is a betrayal and something to work through. The ability to lie that long and to actively work to covering it up would be the crux of the issue with me and that would be my potential breaking point. That is where therapy would be needed and could be my deal breaker. I think you are seeing the ridiculousness of having an age preference as Life just laughed at you for it, but she was absolutely completely wrong for lying, hiding and deceiving you for the duration of the relationship. She should have come clean.

[Mascara]

Incidentally, while you're dealing with this, if I were you I'd clarify any other issues she could be bending the truth with. Kids etc.

[leftfordead2]

I'd be more concerned of the deception rather than the age itself. The lengths she went to to cover up her true age from you is a little scary. You would have to wonder what else she is hiding or could be hiding or will hide from you in the future...

[pink_sugar]

I am assuming you never lived with your fiancee? I would be even more amazed if you live together and still didn't figure out her true age.

[Nyla]

Pink_sugar and nyla, up until a few years ago, I seemed to end up with much older men too. In your 20s and 30s, that means guys in their 40s. But as I've got older, I've found I've dated men more around my age, as I said earlier about 5 years either side. Because what I found - and you likely will too - is that those sophisticated 40 somethings become old 60-somethings - and you're still in the prime of life. It's not so exciting then. And that's when you tend to value those who are neither noticeably older OR younger.... but who share a similar past, the same social and popular history as you.

 

Just saw this now.

 

I would like to remind you that my husband and I are still in our thirties. I met him when I was 25 and he was 33.

 

Believe it or not, we have a lot of things in common.

 

We enjoy similar tv shows, music and social history. An eight year age difference is hardly a generation.

 

If my husband was 50 to my 31, I would agree with what you are saying.