13 yr old son, lies & porn

[SincereOnlineGuy]

It's not the production quality I'm talking about. It's the content.

 

One should think, based on what you wrote, that you were talking about the medium.

 

For we all know that the content, in summation, is naked women.

 

And the popularity of same 20 years ago had not yet been watered-down by mass availability.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Really? Have you not READ the posts on Loveshack? About how guys are unable to be turned on by "messy" vaginas? About how guys feel inadequate, small, scared to try sex? About how guys get angry if girls aren't into BJs or anal or threesomes or whatever?

 

Ummm....I started watching porn when I was like 11/12. I lost my virginity at 16 and tried for a good year or 2 before that (so not scared). I also don't think that SOME girls like that stuff (actually, I know for a fact that some don't).

 

I have even seen SERIOUS posts on here from guys who think that girls like certain acts because they saw it on porn.

 

Some girls I've been with have been into WAY kinkier things than I've ever seen in porn.

 

 

Again, if the boy was 17, I might agree with you. I am NOT anti-porn (in moderation and if it isn't interfering with someone's relationship). This is a 13 year old kid though.

 

Sounds like he went through puberty and he's horny. So what?

 

 

 

No. But how is it affecting sex within marriages? How is it affecting the sexual self-esteem of the men and women who compare themselves to it? How is it affecting what is viewed as "normal"? How is it affecting what lengths girls go to to be seen as sexually desirable? How is it affecting how extreme something has to be to turn a guy on? How is it affecting being able to connect sexually on an EMOTIONAL level vs. sex being all about acts and body parts?

 

How would a 13 year old kid watching porn affect his marriage 20 years later?

 

Porn is normal. I watch porn maybe once every few days and have for years. I have absolutely no trouble getting it up when a real girl is present.

 

And I disagree that there has been easy access to porn since the 70s (Playboy isn't the same thing as internet porn.) Today's porn culture is pretty new... this whole concept of being able to seek and find ANYTHING you can think of sexually. The ability to constantly ramp things up to make it more and more exciting. That doesn't go back to the 70s and it is early to truly see the effects of it.

 

But - this isn't about general porn use. It's about a little boy. And he's STILL a little boy.

 

Yes and little boys like to play with themselves. Normal and natural.

[Els]

Did you seriously just compare a 7 year boy looking at Playboy to a 7 year old girl drinking vodka?

 

Drinking vodka at that age could put that girl into hospital.

Playboy? It has more of a chance of just making him curious about genitals.

 

Honestly, if you think those two things are comparable, there's no use trying to discuss this topic with you.

 

I'm not sure which part of 'analogy' you don't understand. Elements in an analogy are rarely of similar 'severity', simply, well, analogous.

 

Do you feel that stripping for the little neighbour boy would put the 7 yo girl in a hospital? Probably not. Should her mother then ignore it in guise of 'she's growing up, she's getting curious, it's normal', and cheer her on? Maybe buy her some fishnets and stiletto heels to dress up in the next time?

[Lixxy]

I'm not sure which part of 'analogy' you don't understand. Elements in an analogy are rarely of similar 'severity', simply, well, analogous.

 

Do you feel that stripping for the little neighbour boy would put the 7 yo girl in a hospital? Probably not. Should her mother then ignore it in guise of 'she's growing up, she's getting curious, it's normal', and cheer her on? Maybe buy her some fishnets and stiletto heels to dress up in the next time?

 

You're being hysterical.

 

A lot of kids "play doctor" which might involve "stripping" and the like. Many parents believe it's a healthy part of a child's life. Really, what harm does it do? I played doctor and "stripping" with my friends when I was a child and I enjoyed it, actually. It was fun and exciting. No big deal.

[Els]

You're being hysterical.

 

A lot of kids "play doctor" which might involve "stripping" and the like. Many parents believe it's a healthy part of a child's life.

 

Someone disagreeing with you on what is or is not appropriate to allow a 7-yo to do, does not make them hysterical, I'm afraid. You consider it okay for your 7-yo daughter to strip for the neighbour boy; others don't. You consider it okay for your 7-yo son to have unrestricted access to porn; some of us don't. Consider it a difference in opinion on the upbringing of children.

 

Edit: Removed the rest of my post on 2nd thoughts.

Edited October 22, 2013 by Elswyth

[man_in_the_box]

At the age of 7 he saw some Playboys and he is now at the age of 13 with (what I consider) somewhat of an unhealthy porn habit. AFAIK it has not been explained 'when' his natural curiosity developed into a sneaking porn. If this happened at the age of 12-13... that is understandable.

 

I've started watching at the age of 14-15 and to be honest the most damaging development concerning porn was getting into a relationship which made me hide my habits.

 

I don't think there's much you can do to prevent boys in puberty from accessing pornography. What you can do is a pre-emptive strike by educating the kid about sex, masturbation, porn, relationships, women and all that.

 

Society plays an important role in that as well by providing proper sex education. I still am baffled why sex education does not touch the topic of pornography. I wasn't getting laid till I turned 20 and many of my peers neither but we were all watching porn. What use did it have to educate me how to have safe sex if we couldn't get laid at all? That time would've been much better invested in educating about the positive and negative potentials of porn.

[Lixxy]

Someone disagreeing with you on what is or is not appropriate to allow a 7-yo to do, does not make them hysterical, I'm afraid. You consider it okay for your 7-yo daughter to strip for the neighbour boy; others don't. You consider it okay for your 7-yo son to have unrestricted access to porn; some of us don't. Consider it a difference in opinion on the upbringing of children.

 

Edit: Removed the rest of my post on 2nd thoughts.

 

Sure, it was just my opinion you were being hysterical. Don't worry.

[Radu]

On the subject, i played doctor with a girl when i was 6.

I do consider it normal that kids that age might be that curious, but i don't think that parents should let it slide [mine never found out].

 

You're being hysterical.

 

A lot of kids "play doctor" which might involve "stripping" and the like. Many parents believe it's a healthy part of a child's life. Really, what harm does it do? I played doctor and "stripping" with my friends when I was a child and I enjoyed it, actually. It was fun and exciting. No big deal.

 

I just watched this entire 'discussion' between you and Els.

I've seen her post in a lot of different threads, with a lot of different topics.

 

One thing i learned from it is that she is not 'hysterical'.

 

I can't help but notice that you accuse her of being 'hysterical' while she only disagrees with you and does not take it any further.

[JamesM]

 

I've started watching at the age of 14-15 and to be honest the most damaging development concerning porn was getting into a relationship which made me hide my habits.

 

Even you seem to recognize though that porn is very addicting.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/addiction-recovery/324451-when-does-urge-porn-fade

 

As a parent, I do think it is necessary to restrict access to porn especially at a young age. At the same time, we should discuss what it is, what it does, and how to deal with it. If we simply restrict it and don't educate, then we do a disservice as when our children do see it, they will not understand what it does and is. We can never keep them from it entirely, but they should be aware of our feelings as parents.

 

It is much more than simply a habit for many. It is an addiction that cannot be let go. And for many, it gets in the way of a good relationship.

 

So, when we have a child who may start with a Playboy and then moves into googling porn, we do need to confront it as a loving but stern parent.

 

And for those who think I am completely against it, I am not. It does have its place for an adult who has a clue what it is. Having said that, even for many (and perhaps some on this thread), it becomes way more than simply a little entertainment. Just as alcohol becomes a way of escape and necessary for functioning in life, so masturbation and porn become necessary for some because of the dopamine thrill that it gives.

 

I don't know if the OP has been checking in at all, but I hope that she takes this seriously and does get counseling for both her and the boy. Yes, I mean that because no, it is not normal for a young boy to be obsessed with porn.

[man_in_the_box]

I'm really divided on what to think of it. On the one hand I understand the resistance of allowing an adolescent of utilizing potentially addictive material but then again there are also countless of them who are exposed and seemingly never have problems with their attitude on women, relationships, marriage, sex etc. It's easy to sketch a grim picture if you only take the negative examples.

 

I repeat: I don't think clear cut-off ages are going to help much. Some are ready for it at 13, others will not be ready for it their entire lives. I stick to education and damage control. I don't think its currently realistic to be able to shut adolescents out of this.

[Els]

Thanks, Radu.

 

I don't know if the OP has been checking in at all, but I hope that she takes this seriously

 

Yeah, this has been my observation too.

 

I mostly posted on the off-chance that the OP does come back, and gets inundated with a flood of replies blaming her for being overprotective, etc (mostly by folks without children of their own, I notice). I wanted her to know that some of us agree with her view on children not being allowed to watch porn. IMO most children are not ready to handle the sort of stuff that happens in most porn flicks without being adversely effected by it, and they need a grown-up to protect them from that. Not sure if it is pathological per se, but that does not change the fact that it shouldn't be encouraged by parents.

 

This whole thread seems to be devolving into quite a bit of a mud-slinging fest, though, so not betting on the OP coming back, even if she'd planned to.

[JamesM]

I mostly posted on the off-chance that the OP does come back, and gets inundated with a flood of replies blaming her for being overprotective, etc (mostly by folks without children of their own, I notice). I wanted her to know that some of us agree with her view on children not being allowed to watch porn.

 

 

I noticed this too. Criticality has a young son and daughter, but most of the others have not experienced the feeling that children are children and when they are your own, what happens to them is incredibly important.

 

And yes, I agree....if the OP reads this, then I don't want her to feel that her opinion is wrong by any means. Most parents would agree with her and would want to stop the porn.

[Radu]

One thing comes to mind.

 

We all say porn, and we might have some picture of it in our minds, but porn is not the same all around.

 

I remember when i was 14 staying up at night when they showed 1/ week a movie from the series Emanuelle. Anyone who has seen one knows that it can barely be classified soft today.

Playboy is another example, 30-40yrs ago it was hardcore maybe but Hustler by comparison makes it look like an art magazine.

 

At 13-14yrs i can't see much harm in a boy having a Playboy, considering that he doesn't see in it much more than what he sees on MTV.

Anything beyond that, and there is a problem.

[JamesM]

One thing comes to mind.

 

We all say porn, and we might have some picture of it in our minds, but porn is not the same all around.

 

 

I agree.

 

My wife caught our son when he was 11 watching gay porn. I let my wife handle that one because I am not sure I could. It is one thing to know that he saw a Playboy. It is entirely another thing to know that he watched to guys f*cking. Why did he look for it? His search showed that he did not look up gay porn, but he did look up something. Was it accidental? Maybe. he took a small laptop in a room and watched it. He planned a time so obviously it enticed him.

 

So when I say it needs to be handled, I know and have been there. The question on how is always the tricky part.

[Els]

 

At 13-14yrs i can't see much harm in a boy having a Playboy, considering that he doesn't see in it much more than what he sees on MTV.

Anything beyond that, and there is a problem.

 

Quite true.

 

I don't think anyone nowadays calls reading a Playboy 'watching porn', though?

[Radu]

You are probably right in not being able to handle it.

 

Men in general are more likely to be able to handle their daughter's being a lesbian than their son being gay.

My guess is that it has to do with the act itself [one has to be passive], and the expectation that boys have to continue the family name, etc ...

[man_in_the_box]

Even you seem to recognize though that porn is very addicting.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/addiction-recovery/324451-when-does-urge-porn-fade

 

For the reference - that was when I tried to completely get rid of it. There were many more factors playing a role in that particular struggle.

[JamesM]

You are probably right in not being able to handle it.

 

Men in general are more likely to be able to handle their daughter's being a lesbian than their son being gay.

My guess is that it has to do with the act itself [one has to be passive], and the expectation that boys have to continue the family name, etc ...

 

I let my wife handle it so I didn't blow it out of proportion. She was convinced that it was mere curiosity. But yes, it was easier for her to simply view it as porn in general.

 

For the reference - that was when I tried to completely get rid of it. There were many more factors playing a role in that particular struggle.

 

I didn't mean to bring it up as a negative to you at all. I appreciate and respect your candor in that thread.

[Lixxy]

On the subject, i played doctor with a girl when i was 6.

I do consider it normal that kids that age might be that curious, but i don't think that parents should let it slide [mine never found out].

 

 

 

I just watched this entire 'discussion' between you and Els.

I've seen her post in a lot of different threads, with a lot of different topics.

 

One thing i learned from it is that she is not 'hysterical'.

 

I can't help but notice that you accuse her of being 'hysterical' while she only disagrees with you and does not take it any further.

 

Are we still on this? Lol. I'm emphasizing that it's purely my opinion that she's being hysterical. To go one step further though, I believe many people who get all up in arms about young boys or girls seeing porn are hysterical. If your opinion is totally different, that's fine.

 

 

My wife caught our son when he was 11 watching gay porn. I let my wife handle that one because I am not sure I could. It is one thing to know that he saw a Playboy. It is entirely another thing to know that he watched to guys f*cking. Why did he look for it? His search showed that he did not look up gay porn, but he did look up something. Was it accidental? Maybe. he took a small laptop in a room and watched it. He planned a time so obviously it enticed him..

 

Why is this an issue? Are you homophobic?

 

Could you ever come to terms with your son watching two guys ****ing?

[JamesM]

Why is this an issue?

 

Because it involves explicit sex acts rather than naked bodies. I suppose my comparison should have been Playgirl. Sex of a graphic nature is more shocking than simply a naked body to a young boy.

 

Are you homophobic?

 

Do I have a phobia regarding gays? Am I afraid of gays? Do I have a fear of gays? No.

 

I do have a fear of heights.

 

And don't get me started at the poor use of English here. This word does a disservice to the homosexual community.

 

Having an opinion about something does not make one afraid of something.

 

Could you ever come to terms with your son watching two guys ****ing?

 

Fact of the matter I have a problem with a young boy watching explicit sex acts...which is what my post was about. What he sees as a minor is my responsibility.

 

What he does as a man is his responsibility and not mine.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Playboy is another example, 30-40yrs ago it was hardcore

 

 

 

I think you are woefully confused.

 

Playboy has not, ever, been "hardcore".

 

 

And those who advocate a 13-14yo having a copy of Playboy might consider that the cover price of that single issue is 100% more than anybody should need to spend on porn these days. At least teach the kid financial sense.

[Lixxy]

Don't worry.. Any father would be deeply troubled by their son being gay. I am not saying yours is at all, but your concerns are 100% normal..No need to justify yourself.

 

Ha! Oh is that the justification parents use these days?

 

"Waaaaaaaaaaah! My sons sexuality isn't what I wanted and expected him to be! Waaaaah!"

 

Completely disgusting.

 

You should totally be ashamed of yourself if you even have to think twice about your reaction to your child's sexuality.

 

You know what's "deeply troubling"? Your outdated homophobia.

[camillalev]

I found a porn magazine once when I was 7 or 8. Was too young to know what to do with it, but I sure was interested in looking at the pictures, until something else captures my interest.

 

Didnt seem to take much damage...

 

 

Dunno, you think its ok to buy humans for self-pleasure. So..

[Tayla]

Dunno, you think its ok to buy humans for self-pleasure. So..

 

(camillalev)-as a neighbor kid would say "...NAILED IT!". (good response you made!)

 

Objective thinking is not easy when its your own child...particularly on a topic that involves intimacy verses curiousity. Huge difference.

 

the parent of this post deserves support during this challenging family matter.

[Radu]

Ha! Oh is that the justification parents use these days?

 

"Waaaaaaaaaaah! My sons sexuality isn't what I wanted and expected him to be! Waaaaah!"

 

Completely disgusting.

 

You should totally be ashamed of yourself if you even have to think twice about your reaction to your child's sexuality.

 

You know what's "deeply troubling"? Your outdated homophobia.

 

This is something that comes from the fact that he's a man.

There are different expectations of you when you are a boy, later a man and eventually a father.

 

It is not something that a single woman [without children] would understand.

 

The poster in question did very good to let his wife handle this [to ensure a more neutral perspective], i would have done the same thing myself.