13 yr old son, lies & porn

[pteromom]

I think we all know that, assuming you are talking about an earthling girl, and that 13 years is roughly 4748 earth days, it is far, far better, that he be locked in his room, and finding porn on the internet, than to be out and seeing his 13yo peers naked, doing heaven knows what with them. (you do understand that neither he nor she are old enough to legally give consent, do you not??)

 

Nobody said anything about him going out to see a 13 year old girl naked. The whole point is to start developing sexual feelings NOT based on only seeing naked female parts, but to develop sexual feelings based on pretty smiles, cute giggles, and wondering what is under her sweater. This is much more NORMAL than developing all his turn-ons based on watching other people have fake sex.

 

You should probably consider that one more kid viewing the 19yo girl with the perfect parts will not have any enhanced effect ON the 19yo girl.

 

Well, that's another conversation for another day, isn't it...

 

Your way has a 3rd party directly involved (with added parents) who is far less deserving of becoming fodder to your suggestions than is an adult woman who consented to have her photos posted online.

 

?????? You have a very strange way of thinking. Nobody is saying he's gonna go out and have sex with his crush.

 

 

Terrific alternative you've lined-up there.

 

The fact that you don't understand what I am even saying makes me wonder how your own connections were wired. You are obviously very defensive of porn use for young teenage boys, so again I say, this whole topic must have struck an emotional chord for you.

 

OP, you are doing the right thing talking to your son, and I am so happy that he is open to talking with you. You will raise a good man who will be a good and loving husband.

[Dolphono]

 

Now, archive these pages. Re-read the advice in five to ten years, reanalyze/evaluate your son and see how things turned out.

[camillalev]

Jerking off at that age, boy or girl, is absolutely normal, and he does/will need privacy to explore this eventually. I started jilling it in middle school! And watching a bit of porn as well.. and it was so taboo as a girl.

 

That said, you do NOT want him growing up thinking that sh%t is normal. its NOT. Having a barrage of porn in his life consistently(thanks internet) since the age of 7 WILL effect the way he views women.

 

Sorry dudes, but it will. His experience as a 13 y.o. in 2013 is NOT the same as your experience being 13 in the 80s or 90s.

 

Dunno what the 'right' answer is, other than you gotta try your best to INSTILL respect for women in him.

Edited September 20, 2013 by camillalev

[camillalev]

Adults are self aware and responsible for their OWN behavior. A 7 year old child is only 5 years out of diapers, for Christ's sake. He's HARDLY mature enough to process what he's watching, much less be able to differentiate between fake rape, degredation and all the other stuff geared to get men off in porn.

 

It is normal to be curious and check out porn. It is normal to be fascinated by it. It is not normal to begin watching it at 7 and keep watching it despite the many warnings/punishments.

 

 

Exactly. The age frame and the intensity(spending mom's money?) is worrisome. A 7 year old is a baby.

 

If some of the guys on this thread(who I'm guessing are adult-aged) need a reminder, this is what a 7 year old looks like;

http://cdn.sheknows.com/articles/2010/08/7-year-old-boy.jpg

 

Beginning to watch porn in 2013 at such a young age, will drastically influence his view of women and sex.

 

If the OPs son was older, I would say, over-protective mother. This case is not.

[Lixxy]

But my punishments are pretty strict, no tv, nothing, you read, and the kid has been on restriction for 2 weeks! But low and behold I catch him at it again tonight, still on restriction!

So I guess my question is for the guys..is this normal?!

 

No. This certainly is not normal. He is normal. You aren't.

 

Why are you punishing him so much for possessing natural urges? What's wrong with you? You owe him a serious apology. Although at this point you've probably implanted sufficient guilt and shame into him that will affect him his whole life.

 

You're not actually teaching him anything. You're not educating him about sexual urges, how to deal with them in a healthy way (masturbation), or providing an actual compassionate environment where he can express himself to you honestly without getting punished. All you're doing is punishing and shaming him, which succeeds only in making this desirable thing into forbidden fruit.

[Lixxy]

Mom - I'm commend you for the ways you have tried to protect your son from porn and reaching out for advice on how to deal with his porn addiction!! Please don't give up!

 

Porn is affecting your young son's mind. Let me share some of the lies he is being exposed to:

 

"Lie #1: Women are less than human.

The women in Playboy magazine are called "bunnies," making them cute little animals, or "playmates," making them a toy. Porn often refers to women as animals, playthings or body parts. Some pornography shows only the body and doesn't show the face at all. The idea that women are real human beings with thoughts and emotions is played down.

 

Lie #2: Women are a "sport."

Some sports magazines have a swimsuit issue. This suggests that women are just some kind of sport. Porn views sex as a game, and in a game you have to win, conquer or score.

 

Lie #3: Women are property.

It's common to see pictures of the slick car with the sexy girl draped over it. The unspoken message is, "Buy one, and you get them both." Hard-core porn carries this even further. It displays women like merchandise in a catalogue, exposing them as openly as possible for the customer to look at. It's not surprising that many young men think that if they have spent some money taking a girl out, they have a right to have sex with her. Porn tells us that women can be bought.

 

Lie #4: A woman's value depends on the attractiveness of her body.

Overweight or less attractive women are ridiculed in porn. They are called dogs, whales, pigs or worse, simply because they don't fit into porn's criteria of the perfect woman. In fact, if someone is attracted to a heavyset woman, porn labels that a fetish, which is a sexual obsession or hang-up that isn't "natural." Porn doesn't care about a woman's mind or personality, only her body.

 

Lie #5: Women like rape.

"When she says no, she means yes" is a typical porn scenario. Women are shown being raped, fighting and kicking at first, and then starting to like it. Porn eroticizes rape and makes it arousing. Women are shown being tied up, beaten and humiliated in hundreds of sick ways and finally begging for more. Even while being tortured, the porn actors and actresses have a smile on their face — a look of intense enjoyment. Porn teaches men to enjoy hurting and abusing women for entertainment." (Adapted from McConnell, Toxic Porn, 7-10)

 

And porn produces false intimacy. Even if pornography provided accurate images of women (and it doesn't), it still only offers an image — not a real person. For many guys, an image is easier to relate to than a young woman with a heart, mind and emotions. An image has no expectations. You don't have to impress an image or deal with any of the awkwardness that comes with relating to a real person.

 

You should take immediate and decisive action. Sit down with your son and tell him that you know he’s been accessing Internet pornography. Let him know that you’re disappointed with his behavior. Announce that you’re going to be implementing appropriate consequences, including complete restriction of his use of the Internet for the time being. Make sure he understands that you are doing this because you love him and care about his future.

 

At that point, you can explain exactly why pornography is such a bad and dangerous thing. It seems enticing, but pornography fills the mind with false and destructive messages about sex and human relationships. Let your son know that viewing porn can harm his relationships with girls. Tell him that it will cause him to look at them as objects rather than persons. It may even affect his ability to build and maintain a healthy marriage later in life.

 

I would highly recommend an Internet filter for your computer and other media devices. This would allow for you to monitor his activity.

 

I would encourage you to keep the dialog open between you and your son about healthy sexuality. What do you want your 13 year old to know? How do you want him to view and treat girls? No one in this entire world loves him like you do - protect him and help him through this time.

 

 

Coming from another woman, let me personally tell you that I absolutely despair that women like you are brainwashing young men with this hysterical, censoring nonsense.

[Criticality]

Coming from another woman, let me personally tell you that I absolutely despair that women like you are brainwashing young men with this hysterical, censoring nonsense.

 

This guy feels likewise. Though he is a little encouraged that there are smart, realistic and rational women out there too, like the lady above me.

 

I'm sure the anti pornography prudes in here will have a just lovely time, when their kids are teenagers and figure out what they can to rebel, that'll really blow mummy's fuzes...

[Els]

Some of you are taking this 'freedom to watch pornography' thing way too far.

 

There is nothing wrong with adults watching pornography. There is something wrong with a 7 year old boy, who has not even had the chance to learn from a healthy environment and formulate his character away from porn, having free access to it.

 

The OP is absolutely correct to try and restrict it. Saying that it's natural for a 7 yo to be allowed unrestricted access to porn is like saying that there's nothing wrong with alcohol, so why prevent your 7 yo daughter from trying out that vodka? There's also nothing wrong with adults having sex, so if you caught her stripping for the neighbour boy, just live and let live, she's being a normal girl with hormones?

[JamesM]

No. This certainly is not normal. He is normal. You aren't.

 

Why are you punishing him so much for possessing natural urges? What's wrong with you? You owe him a serious apology. Although at this point you've probably implanted sufficient guilt and shame into him that will affect him his whole life.

 

You're not actually teaching him anything. You're not educating him about sexual urges, how to deal with them in a healthy way (masturbation), or providing an actual compassionate environment where he can express himself to you honestly without getting punished. All you're doing is punishing and shaming him, which succeeds only in making this desirable thing into forbidden fruit.

 

This is not normal for a 7 year old boy. Having been one and having had four of them, I can say that it is not normal. Wanting to watch that much porn is not the same as having a healthy interest in sex. This is not about making healthy sex shameful. It is only about making unhealthy sex shameful.

 

Prohibiting porn is not the same as ignoring sex education. In fact, this is a great way to teach proper sex education. It is a great way to show how sex is an expression of mutual love for another and not selfish gratification at the expense of another.

 

Coming from another woman, let me personally tell you that I absolutely despair that women like you are brainwashing young men with this hysterical, censoring nonsense.

 

This is not about censoring an adult. It is about protecting a child.

[Criticality]

"Protecting the child" ?!?

 

 

Dear oh dear... OPs kid is 13...

 

He's at an age where it was completely normal to be interested in sex.

 

And if he seems "obsessed" maybe it has to do with how it was handled. Punishing a child for being interested in sex causes damage and is the wrong signal to send. And children have a natural curiosity towards sex from the moment they figure out they have private parts at 2 or 3...

 

I found a porn magazine once when I was 7 or 8. Was too young to know what to do with it, but I sure was interested in looking at the pictures, until something else captures my interest.

 

Didnt seem to take much damage...

 

But then again, my parents didnt know and didnt punish me, or deal with it as though I was setting cats on fire. That's probably why.

[Criticality]

The OP is absolutely correct to try and restrict it. Saying that it's natural for a 7 yo to be allowed unrestricted access to porn

 

There is a big difference between allowing him to watch porn and punishing and dealing with it in an unhealthy way.

 

And the kid is 13 now. Not 7.

[Lixxy]

He's likely "obsessed" (though people are far too trigger-happy throwing that word around in association with porn) with porn - and has been since such a young age as 7 - as a direct result of his mothers over-blown reaction to having caught him with it. Her attempt at censoring, moderating and punishing, may very easily have made him think about porn on a basis that is unhealthy, on account of this topic being made so extremely taboo for him.

 

What happens if you are told: "Don't think of a black cat" repeatedly, what are you going to do? You are going to think of a black cat repeatedly... Excessive "strict punishments" aren't going to work. Now he's 13 and viewing such material is natural for his age, he's still getting crap about it. Where will it end? It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if her son became more deeply involved in porn exactly because of her behavior.

 

Trying to make him stop watching porn simply will not work. In fact it has a much higher chance of simply just creating a rift of between mother and son. All teenagers with developing sex drives are going to find ways to view what their sex drives wants them to view - that is with or without permission from Mummy.

 

Oh, and ladies it's one thing to just give your son a heads-up that porn isn't realistic sex - a similar way as you might tell them when they see their heroes jumping from buildings in action films. But it's another thing entirely to come out with all this "PORN OBJECTIFIES WOMEN!" and "porn isn't real and watching it will make you into a bad man / husband / human being!" crap whilst going out of your way to censor them from it. One is education, the other is punishment atop of doubting their mental capabilities in separating fantasy from reality.

[unicorn farts]

I can't believe some of you are saying he should be allowed to look at internet porn? Have you ever been on the internet???? There's a big difference between a 13 yo wanting to look at boobs (normal whatever sure) and a 13 year old being allowed to trawl through unrestricted internet porn. Get an old Playboy or something. But internet porn for a 13 year old, my god. It is all on the same sites, it doesn't matter if he's looking for "tame" porn he will see it all.

 

smh seriously cannot believe people are encouraging you to let your KID look at all the internet porn he wants OP

[Lixxy]

The OP is absolutely correct to try and restrict it. Saying that it's natural for a 7 yo to be allowed unrestricted access to porn is like saying that there's nothing wrong with alcohol, so why prevent your 7 yo daughter from trying out that vodka? There's also nothing wrong with adults having sex, so if you caught her stripping for the neighbour boy, just live and let live, she's being a normal girl with hormones?

 

Did you seriously just compare a 7 year boy looking at Playboy to a 7 year old girl drinking vodka?

 

Drinking vodka at that age could put that girl into hospital.

Playboy? It has more of a chance of just making him curious about genitals.

 

Honestly, if you think those two things are comparable, there's no use trying to discuss this topic with you.

[Keenly]

smh seriously cannot believe people are encouraging you to let your KID look at all the internet porn he wants OP

 

 

And I seriously cant believe you think censoring the entire internet from the kids life is actually possible.

 

 

What happens when the kid goes to a friends house? This is not something that can be stopped.

[pteromom]

And I seriously cant believe you think censoring the entire internet from the kids life is actually possible.

 

 

What happens when the kid goes to a friends house? This is not something that can be stopped.

 

There's a huge difference between him looking at some shocking stuff with a friend, and having unrestricted access to porn in his room.

 

Restricting porn use has nothing to do with shaming him for natural urges. It has everything to do with protecting him from making his natural urges unnatural, and letting his sexuality grow naturally and normally.

 

A 13 year old kid should NOT form his sexual identity on porn.

[JamesM]

"Protecting the child" ?!?

 

Yes.

 

 

Dear oh dear... OPs kid is 13...

 

NOW. He started at 7. And yes, a boy at 13 is far from being an adult and is still far from being developed emotionally and mentally. Watching porn consistently will skew one's understanding of sex and especially a young fellow of 13.

 

He's at an age where it was completely normal to be interested in sex.

 

Nobody said it was not normal to be interested in sex at his age. Different discussion, perhaps?

 

And if he seems "obsessed" maybe it has to do with how it was handled.

 

Reread. Obsession before handling.

 

Punishing a child for being interested in sex causes damage and is the wrong signal to send.

 

He was not punished for being interested in sex. The mother was rightly concerned because he was obsessed with porn. Big difference. And no wrong signal sent.

 

And children have a natural curiosity towards sex from the moment they figure out they have private parts at 2 or 3...

 

Again, not the discussion. This is about an obsession with porn and not even a curiosity about porn...let alone a curiosity about sex.

 

I found a porn magazine once when I was 7 or 8. Was too young to know what to do with it, but I sure was interested in looking at the pictures, until something else captures my interest.

 

This isn't once, and you moved on. Apparently, he did not.

 

Didnt seem to take much damage...

 

We never think anything does us damage. It takes an objective party to determine that.

 

But then again, my parents didnt know and didnt punish me, or deal with it as though I was setting cats on fire. That's probably why.

 

Since it was a one time occurrence, then I doubt that most parents would treat it as if you were setting cats on fire. My parents did not either.

 

This discussion is about an obsession with porn at a very early age and not about a simple curiosity with sex or even porn.

[JamesM]

He's likely "obsessed" (though people are far too trigger-happy throwing that word around in association with porn) with porn - and has been since such a young age as 7 - as a direct result of his mothers over-blown reaction to having caught him with it. Her attempt at censoring, moderating and punishing, may very easily have made him think about porn on a basis that is unhealthy, on account of this topic being made so extremely taboo for him.

 

From her words which is all we have, it sounds like she discovered the obsession with porn and then handled the situation. It is not as if he looked at it once and then she punished him.

 

What happens if you are told: "Don't think of a black cat" repeatedly, what are you going to do? You are going to think of a black cat repeatedly... Excessive "strict punishments" aren't going to work.

 

Logic does not follow example. What happens if you are told not to kill someone, will you then do it? Of course not. What happens if you get married and are told that you can no longer have sex with anyone else...will you automatically cheat? Most don't.

 

Here too. Complete restriction will only work if a positive alternative is also offered. However, simply acting helpless because "boys will be boys" is reckless parenting.

 

Now he's 13 and viewing such material is natural for his age, he's still getting crap about it. Where will it end? It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if her son became more deeply involved in porn exactly because of her behavior.

 

No, it is not natural for boys to obsess to watch porn. Yes, it is normal for boys to have an interest in sex. But most boys do not spend their time looking at porn.

 

So we don't try to restrict him or break the obsession because it will make it worse? With that logic, we should never try to get our child off drugs because he or she will become more deeply involved.

 

Trying to make him stop watching porn simply will not work. In fact it has a much higher chance of simply just creating a rift of between mother and son. All teenagers with developing sex drives are going to find ways to view what their sex drives wants them to view - that is with or without permission from Mummy.

 

It may work. Fact is as parents, we must teach right from wrong. And we must do so without an instruction manual. So we must learn as we go and do the best we can. Funny thing is when you do tell your children, they do listen.

 

Oh, and ladies it's one thing to just give your son a heads-up that porn isn't realistic sex - a similar way as you might tell them when they see their heroes jumping from buildings in action films. But it's another thing entirely to come out with all this "PORN OBJECTIFIES WOMEN!" and "porn isn't real and watching it will make you into a bad man / husband / human being!" crap whilst going out of your way to censor them from it. One is education, the other is punishment atop of doubting their mental capabilities in separating fantasy from reality.

 

The men feel that porn isn't good for young men too. It does objectify women. It does make sex into simply selfish gratification. It does say that sex is for hedonistic pleasure. It does not say that sex is for an expression of love between two people who respect each other.

 

Porn obsession for a developing teen can easily lead to problems in developing proper relationships as he gets older. A simple curiosity is healthy. An obsession is not.

[JamesM]

Playboy? It has more of a chance of just making him curious about genitals.

 

This boy is far beyond a simple curiosity of the genitals.

[JamesM]

And I seriously cant believe you think censoring the entire internet from the kids life is actually possible.

 

No, but you can certainly set guidelines that keep him from constantly viewing or even having porn available.

 

What happens when the kid goes to a friends house? This is not something that can be stopped.

 

Of course not. However, as a parent, we do what we can do to teach them at home about right and wrong. Then when they get to the friend's house, they have heard what is wrong and why it is wrong. Then they should be able to make the right decisions. Besides, as a parent you should know whose houses your children visit. Not allowing them knowingly into a house that will make temptations available to them that could be harmful to them is one way to keep them safe. But since that is not always possible. teaching them what is right and wrong is an additional step that is necessary.

[KathyM]

I haven't read the entire thread, but it sounds like your son is addicted to porn. Kids can become addicted to that, just as adults can. In fact, studies show that the largest group of porn addicts are teens. Some even start in their pre-teens. I have heard of 8 and 9 year olds addicted to porn, from the research I have done on the subject. I would suggest you consult with a therapist to help your son to overcome the addiction. He does need your help. This addiction does overtake a person's life. Get him some counseling while you still have some control over him. Trying to invoke discipline to fight the addiction is not enough. He will just find ways to circumvent your restrictions. He needs counseling to help him overcome the addiction.

[Criticality]

There's a huge difference between him looking at some shocking stuff with a friend, and having unrestricted access to porn in his room.

 

Restricting porn use has nothing to do with shaming him for natural urges. It has everything to do with protecting him from making his natural urges unnatural, and letting his sexuality grow naturally and normally.

 

A 13 year old kid should NOT form his sexual identity on porn.

 

Oh please, a 13 year old kid is smart enough to know that there is a difference between real life and movies, whether pornographic or not.

 

Just like teenagers don't constantly get into fistfights and shoot outs because they've watched action movies, they don't turn the night they lose their virginity into an orgy of dick-slapping and double-penetration.

 

As long as teens also get sex-ed and have a healthy discussion with adults, there's nothing inherently evil about pornograghy.

 

Teenagers have been watching porn, and had easy access to porn since the 70ies. Especially in Europe. And guess what, we still haven't seen any sudden, massive spike of rape, objectification or hospitalizations of teenagers related to anal penetration.

[Criticality]

In fact, studies show that the largest group of porn addicts are teens.

 

SURPRISE! Clear the headlines!

 

Teenagers watch a lot of porn, and a headline hungry "expert" manages to turn it into an "addiction" in order to sell more books.

 

Who could have seen it coming?!?

 

You can find experts who say that paedophilia doesn't cause any harm either, no matter what your stance on sexuality, you can find experts and studies that back it up. Cause its such a politicized issue. The consensus seems to be however, that pornography by itself doesn't cause harm.

Edited October 21, 2013 by Criticality

[JamesM]

Oh please, a 13 year old kid is smart enough to know that there is a difference between real life and movies, whether pornographic or not.

 

Yes.

 

Just like teenagers don't constantly get into fistfights and shoot outs because they've watched action movies,

 

Actually, it does increase violence when they watch violence. I see it in my own house.

 

they don't turn the night they lose their virginity into an orgy of dick-slapping and double-penetration.

 

Of course not, but we are not talking about a movie or two, we are talking about continual viewing of porn despite restrictions. He is obsessed with it in an unhealthy way.

 

As long as teens also get sex-ed and have a healthy discussion with adults, there's nothing inherently evil about pornograghy.

 

So we should let our children simply watch as much porn as they want? Most child psychologists and experienced parents would disagree.

 

Besides, we are talking here about a seven year old who began watching porn and is still obsessed at 13. Quite a bit different than some seventeen year olds watching some porn.

 

Teenagers have been watching porn, and had easy access to porn since the 70ies. Especially in Europe. And guess what, we still haven't seen any sudden, massive spike of rape, objectification or hospitalizations of teenagers related to anal penetration.

 

I think the view of sex is radically different than it was fifty years ago, and there is no doubt that pornography played a big role in that. And your example of rape and anal penetration is what is known as the strawman fallacy.

 

However, again....keep on topic. This is about a boy of seven who began watching porn and still continues to do so at 13. He is now a teen but began watching long before he became a teen. Totally different than a seventeen year old watching a little porn.

[JamesM]

SURPRISE! Clear the headlines!

 

Teenagers watch a lot of porn, and a headline hungry "expert" manages to turn it into an "addiction" in order to sell more books.

 

Big difference between watching porn and being obsessed by it. And to dismiss all experts who disagree with you as headline hungry is a good way to win a argument.

 

 

You can find experts who say that paedophilia doesn't cause any harm either, no matter what your stance on sexuality, you can find experts and studies that back it up.

 

So we should dismiss all experts? All studies that show effects of anything should now be dismissed because there will always be one that disagrees?

 

The consensus seems to be however, that pornography by itself doesn't cause harm.

 

Hmmm...by the "experts" that agree with you?