Lost In The Wild

[LostInTheWild]

"BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!!!"

 

I hit snooze. I've made it through a night. My head was spinning when I woke up. Like it had been after my last post.

 

Just a few more minutes of sleep. Please. I'm not ready to face the day. The world is new again. Reality has settled. Again. A newer level of it.

 

Like having the pavement break my fall, I felt as though I had had an accident. Ejected from a speeding car that has crashed into a pole and I'm left on the ground, bleeding. Losing consciousness.

 

I finally find the strength to get out of bed. Work starts at 7:30 today. I lull around and crack open another beer. I chase it with a Klonopin. The only way to get through. My head is still spinning after my shower. I continue to drink. I finish my rituals, then I leave after the beer is gone.

 

Work was easier today. I spent the day completing first aid training. It took my mind off a lot. I worked through it. I laughed. I damn near cried. But I did it. I felt hollow all the while. I still do.

 

I looked down at my ring as I left work. My reminder. I can still hear my friend's voice, quietly in my ear, "Great things will happen to you. Don't worry..."

 

A whisper. Her voice was soft and clear. Comforting. Like the great mother she is. I love her.

 

I put my key in the ignition. I start the car. Now here I sit. At the bar.

[LostInTheWild]

Well, just found out my date is cancelled on Friday. He had started minimizing his texting, so I backed off, but I needed to know if he was going to make it out here on Friday.

 

"Hey...Prob not."

 

Okay, so when I got this text, I knew it was really, really over before it even started.

 

Then I schooled him on how I've learned to not hold onto someone who doesn't want to hold onto me. And I told him I figured his interests probably lie elsewhere. Haven't heard a peep since. Don't expect to now.

 

So I deleted everything of his from my phone. And I guess I'll just live with it.

[LostInTheWild]

I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back and strangle myself with the umbilical cord before I'd even had the chance to see the light of day. Why can't I go back to that moment? Why can't I change what has been written?

 

I daydreamed again today that I was standing out in a field, with my gun, looking out into the open blue. The wheat is high, just grazing my thighs. But then I changed it to me holding a prescription. It's much gentler. The sun is ablaze. The trees are visible from a distance, but there is open space. All around me. I'm wearing a long, white, flowing dress again. Not like a wedding dress. Just a loose gown. I open the bottle and swallow what I can. I listen to the birds chirping, the cars zooming by, and watch the trees in the distance. I sit down. Alive, I feel. Alive. Then tired, clenching my last words. Then I lay down. Then I'm gone.

 

I think of these things because it's relaxing...to be able to let go of it all, so simply, and just embrace death while enjoying the beauty of life. I am depressed, and while I don't think I'd ever have the courage to do anything like this, it comforts me to have these thoughts. Because it's peaceful. It feels wonderful to have these thoughts.

 

Yesterday, I went to the mall. To pick out a dress for the date that will never happen. I had just received a text from my friend and she had called me while I was driving. So, I told her I'd call her back.

 

I walked into the mall. I had my phone out. I dialed her back. I sorted through the dresses. Her soft voice rang through my ears. We caught up, we laughed, we talked. I had my date running through my mind. Life was positive for me yesterday, until I heard her tone change.

 

"Heyyyy, you remember that text from your ex we talked about?"

 

Without hesitation, I knew. She didn't even have to say it. I heard my voice ringing in my ears. I can still hear my voice. The pitch. The calm. The knowing. The dread. The excitement. DING, DING, DING! I got it right. I always get it right.

 

"He's having a child, huh?"

 

Desperation took over her voice.

 

"YES, and I wanted you to hear it from me, rather than hearing it through the grapevine."

 

Sometimes I wish the grapevine didn't exist. I would burn it if it weren't right in front of me. It always seems to be, though.

[LostInTheWild]

I couldn't cry yesterday. I stumbled around the store, trying to sound cheery over the phone. I was honest. I told me friend about the feelings that I felt. I had to leave, though, and didn't get to buy anything for my would-have-been date.

 

In all honesty, I truly feel that life has been rather unfair to me. In some ways, it is my fault. I let things happen to me. In other ways, especially when it comes to men, I've also let things happen. Things I let happen even though I can't control the outcome. It has been hard. And this week...I just don't even want to get out of the bed in the morning. I'm so sad all over.

 

What I can't understand is how I meet these men, so many of them now -- they have accumulated quickly -- and still, all I'm left with is stuff. My stuff, my hobbies, my interests, my job, school, problems, problems, and more problems. When I feel whole again, someone new usually pops up and I get carried away. Only to find out for myself that they are not the ones for me or somehow, they figure it out, too.

 

Also, what I can't understand, and my friends keep trying to convince me otherwise, is that I'll meet the right guy at the right time. When? When I'm 40? Because I'm telling you all right now, when I get to that age, no man will be worth it to me by then. If I live that long, I want to die asleep, peacefully, in my bed with no other worries than my alarm clock beeping.

 

I want someone who wants me, that's for sure, and I'm tired. This happening with my ex makes me realize...What am I doing with my life that is so different? Why do people find wholesome goodness in their actions and in their consequences, and yet, I have no room to make those mistakes? I haven't met anyone who is worthy. I haven't met anyone who sticks around.

 

I am cast into this world, at the end of my prime. He robbed me of that. My looks are fading. My body is dying slowly. There is nothing but nothingness.

 

So what did I end up doing?

 

I texted him. I congratulated him on his expectancy. He admitted he was anxious and is worried about having everything ready in time. I told him to take two deep breaths and to marry her. He is on his own now (meaning he will never hear from me again). Reading this cut through me like a hot, jagged knife. I wanted him to tell me he was unhappy. I wanted him to admit he had made a mistake. Nope.

 

So I thanked him. I told him I had carried a torch for him for 10 years and I'm glad I know now. I can finally put the torch down that I've carried for so long.

 

I have missed him deeply, through and through, in and out, day here, day there. And now I can be at peace. I can rest. There is no coming back. Ever. A child is permanent. A reminder. If he did try, it would always be there to remind me.

 

So I told him I had been writing about him and how I've been moving on. I even entertained the thought that I might try to get it published (yeah, right).

 

With my parting words of praise, he responded in a most sickening manner. He thanked me. He thanked me for basically making him have enough shame to move into a new relationship and treat her the way he should have treated me. He has been with her, oh what? 3-4 months now? Yeah, okay.

 

More power to him. Less power to me.

 

"Good bye."

 

I blocked him.

[LostInTheWild]

Well, another crappy day to add to the streak I've been having lately. It's not like I was going through anything in particular, just running through my emotions.

 

Defeat.

 

I feel defeated in some ways. I walked into work and it seemed to be the same place, boring, unoriginal. I wanted to walk out. I feel defeated and I feel like giving up on everything.

 

Despair.

 

I found myself in engaging in longing gazes at the computer screen. The what-if's of life have plagued me so. I have realized today that I have nowhere to go. Nothing to do. I'm an alcoholic now. A beer in the morning and several when I get home.

 

Loneliness.

 

Again, I feel so alone. SO alone in my thoughts and feelings. I feel like I just bring everyone down every week when something new happens. It literally is every week that I'm riding the highest highs and sulking in the lowest lows. I hate this. Even my friend commented as I was speaking. "I think you're just lonely..." Yeah, maybe. I could barely listen to her. I feel bad about that. I just stuffed my sandwich in my mouth and looked down at the floor.

 

Emptiness.

 

Although I can eat during the day, I can't eat at night. My body stops the minute I walk in the door. I grab a beer and indulge in my favorite past time...writing and watching television. Or belly dancing. Running is no longer on the agenda. I've given up on that. I hope to revive it soon. I feel great when I do it.

 

***

 

My "date," as I will still call him that, seems to be lingering around. Last night we had a back-and-forth text session about how he's not coming on Friday, and about how I don't think he's interested anymore. He told me he would have married me in a heartbeat. I cried. I've never had anyone tell me that before.

 

I applied my logical reasoning and told him to have a nice life, as I would with any other man. Then, I promptly, normally, block them. But he threw me for a loop. "So you don't want to be friends?" WHAT?

 

I wound up explaining to him how I don't keep romantic interests as friends. If he is interested in looking elsewhere, then do so, as I will. Well, then he says, "So, you never want to see me again?" I explained it to him AGAIN. I don't keep romantic interests as friends and I used my ex who is having a child as a prime example.

 

Later on, after I told him it's hurtful that after two dates he would choose to not let things happen, he asked to call. I allowed it. It was late and we talked for about half an hour. He explained that distance is huge for him as he likes to see his lady as often as possible, which is fine. He said so many things. I can't even remember. But he was quite disgusted by the fact that I do not like being friends with people I was interested in. He is also concerned that if he chose to date me seriously, our differences would get in the way.

 

"Do you really want me to come down there?"

 

"No, I was actually going to tell you that I WAS going to change plans and come to see you."

 

"Why don't you? You're welcome here."

 

Then the topic got changed somehow. He went on to say that he knows if I visit something will happen and he doesn't want to cause questioning ("Why are we only friends?") after the matter. I guess it's for my protection. He ended the phone call. I said, "Bye."

 

So why the hell is he texting me today? Asking about the woman I work with who I told him has caused me problems? I told him about the silence I've had today and asked him how his day was going. "I can't wait to get out of here...just to enjoy the nice weather."

 

I texted him and told him I would go running, even though I'm not going to. Instead, my belly dance instructor invited me to go rock climbing. I said I'd go, but I dread it. I don't want to leave the house.

 

I haven't heard from him since that last message I sent. If he responds, I will ignore it. If he calls, I will talk. I'm going to turn up the notch on my games. Why not play with someone who isn't interested anyway?

 

I'm so ****ing tired.

[LostInTheWild]

I sat at the bar again today and had a few bites to eat. I hid in my phone like so many do. I drank a beer, bought a six pack, and walked to my car in the rain.

 

I had a thought while I was sitting there. I remembered an older woman who lived in my complex. She had blond hair, maybe early 30's. I'd see her around from time to time. At first, she seemed to be doing okay. Her life seemed rich and full.

 

Then one day, out of nowhere, that changed. She would sit outside on a bench at varying hours with a bottle of white wine and a pack of cigarettes. Her smooth, silky complexion soon changed into a pasty, hollowed shell. Something had hurt her. Someone had hurt her. Something had happened. And while I never felt compelled to ask, it was plainly obvious that something had taken over her life and forced her off track. I winced at the thought. I should have asked her if she was okay. Then one day, she moved away. She was a sad beauty. I will never forget how beautiful she was.

 

It is officially over with my date and me. He cancelled on me again and I said goodbye. We had talked last night about making plans and then this morning he cancelled them. I blocked him. **** it.

 

I'm also waiting on a call from a physician's assistant (might be too smart and pretentious for me)...I'm curious about him. He lives quite far away, but he was honest about seeking out a relationship. We shall see. He seems kind of dry through text, but the phone conversation is something I look forward to should he call.

 

So, this weekend, I'm staying home. Maybe I'll fill this forum up with more memoirs.

Edited April 25, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[LadyM]

Once again, it doesn't sound like you lost out on much with this last date.

 

Your ex has only been with his pregnant new girl three or four months? They don't even know each other. It will prove interesting to see what happens with the stress of a new baby and, in time, finding out whether or not they even like each other. A child may be permanent, but their relationship is in a precarious state.

 

I'm so sorry you feel such lonely despair. I know all too well the feeling and hope something happens in your life soon to pick up back up!

[LostInTheWild]

Ladies and Gents,

 

I've figured it out. I think. I hope. I feel different. I feel ambitious. I feel as though the world is mine again. It may be too early to tell, but I think I've finally found myself again. Me. I'm here. I'm happy.

 

This is going to start off with another date. I know, I know. But it has nothing to do with him or the feelings HE gave me. So this is pure feeling on my own accord. Not relying on someone to want me or placing my value in other people's opinions about me.

 

Friday night, my phone lit up. Ding, ding, ding! I had a match. And he was SO attractive. A few hours passed by, and I hadn't heard anything from him, so off I went. I sent messages to several people, including him, and I hated that. I hated myself for being the aggressor. I felt my desperation seeping through each, "Hello." Panic started to set in — I will never meet anyone again. I will never have a loving, close relationship with anyone ever again. I was scared. And alone I sat, in the dark, at home, chain smoking.

 

Not too much time had passed before I received a response. He was from Serbia. He spoke Serbian, Spanish, Portuguese, and had his MBA. 27 years old. One hell of a catch. Messages began flying between us. Then I gave him my number. He called and we talked while he drove on his journey home. He had a thick accent and I couldn't understand some things he said. That was just fine by me.

 

He wanted to meet me. On Saturday. It was getting late and I had to sleep. I was excited, desperate, lonely, and wanting to meet someone who fit into my life for the long haul. Saturday rolls around and he hadn't texted me as promised. I felt anger and hurt that I could have been stood up. So I took the reigns. I texted him and pursued. He responded positively.

 

 

We chose a halfway point to meet up for food and drinks. Journeying out there, I had expectations. I wanted a relationship and would have driven to Canada to meet him. As I said, and will reiterate, there is only one word: desperation. I had to catch up with everyone else in my age group. I had to do it fast. I felt this way for a long time and Saturday, as I sat and waited with a drink for him to arrive, it all boiled over. I panicked. What should I say this time? How should I act? How do I go about being coy and playing this ridiculous game anymore? It ALWAYS fails! And there I was, ready to take the chance again, leaving my bulletproof vest at home. Scared.

 

I waited. I waited. And waited. At one point, I thought he'd never show up.

 

"I'm here."

 

A beautiful European man stood beside me reaching for a hug. I leaned in and I could smell him. I salivated. We sat at the bar and talked. Then we moved to a table to eat. He wasn't difficult to understand at all in person. His accent soothed me and quelled my undercurrents of fear.

 

He wasn't like any other man I'd spoken to. No drivel about my beauty. No subtle motives. No yearning to be with me. Nothing. Just content. Content with his own life. His own world. And he was wrapped up in it. It was amazing.

[LostInTheWild]

We ate and talked for nearly two hours when, all of a sudden, my life would change. The change I'm writing about here, today.

 

"My friends are getting together and they told me I should invite you. I received a call from him on my way up here and they are hanging out on his roof in Baltimore. Then later on, they'll probably go out."

 

At first, my cautious nature kept me from giving a quick response. Why would he invite me all the way out there, nearly two hours from where I live? I had a choice: a bright, shining night out with this new man, or going home and wallowing in my desperation and sadness. As I thought about it, I quickly responded, "Sure. As long as you're not a psychopath." I held up a dinner knife and pretended to pack it away in my purse. He smirked. And he offered to drive me there and back to my car. I just went with it. I do random things sometimes, but I decided to throw all caution to the wind. Even if it was a big deal.

 

He paid for everything. Then we packed up into his super-clean car and left. I quickly fell asleep, waking up here and there always apologizing. I never got any creepy vibes from him. He just drove.

 

I woke up when we were about 15 minutes away from the big city. He began pointing out buildings and explaining the city to me. I just listened enthusiastically. "It's beautiful."

[LostInTheWild]

We found parking. The city was alive. He was alive. And for the first time in years, I let my expectations go. I felt just as alive as the city.

 

We went to a nearby gas station to get coffee. I was exhausted from my life I'd left behind. It was starting to show. So, with coffee in tow, we walked a few blocks to his friend's home. The walk felt like if I just turned the corner up ahead, I'd be at the beach. The air was fresh and new to me.

 

We approached the house and a couple of men peered over the rooftop and yelled down, "The keys are in the mailbox." Panic set in just for a moment, "What was I walking into? Am I safe?"

 

Click, click. He turned the key and door swung open wide. Inside, there was a cluttered mess of things, several couches, several more men, and several more floors. It was nice, but it was apparent that the place certainly could have used a woman's touch. I wondered if I had made a logical decision. I quickly realized I was the only woman there.

 

My date went around and introduced me to everyone. I still can't remember their names, but there were at least 8 men there. After meeting everyone, I felt safe. I saw the friendships and tight bonds these men shared with each other. I had never witnessed this before. It was straight out of a "bro" movie. Awesome.

 

They led me to the rooftop and offered me a beer. I accepted but I was still off and feeling tired. I was slightly aloof, unwilling to trust, and found it difficult to relax at first.

[LadyM]

How could you leave us hanging like this?!!?

[LostInTheWild]

Haha, Lady, I'm trying here! I need a vacation day to write about this.

 

So, the battle ensued. One of his friends wanted to get the ball rolling on us going out to the bars. He kept asking, "Where do you wanna go?" He reminded me of myself when I am tipsy and ready to have a good time. Nobody would give him a straight answer.

 

Then I hear, "Shots!!" Dread filled me. I was still clutching my little bottle of coffee for dear life. Shots? Did they spike it with something? I was worried. I walked over to the table filled with a round of shots and one guy says, "Hey, we roofied this one," and he handed it to me. I'm like . "Don't even joke about that! I'm in a house filled with men!" He exclaimed, "Haha, yeah that's true!"

 

I closed my eyes. It was cinnamon. Reminiscent of goldschlager. It warmed me up. The coffee soon went into the refrigerator and I paid attention to my body's response, making sure no sudden tiredness took over me. I was fine. We had good conversation up until we had decided to go out to a local bar. We walked and everyone chatted, except for me. I was still in my shell, not knowing any of these people, but thought they were extremely nice.

 

We arrived at the bar. "ID, ID, ID." I showed the security guard mine. In I went. More people surrounded my date. He knew everyone. One woman quickly took me under her wing, and she appeared to have a close relationship with him. "He is very generous," she said, in an almost warning tone. I'm still not sure why she said it that way, but he was. Amazingly so. From the minute I met him, my wallet didn't open at all. He bought me drinks, food, everything, even my ridiculous little coffee. His friends even offered to buy me drinks -- and did.

 

I started feeling it. The drunkenness. The freedom. My life. There are the things that you do and the things that you don't do. I did them all. At a different bar, I danced and danced. I smoked and smoked. I smiled, laughed, and bloomed for him. After many drinks, our proximity tightened. I whispered into his ear, asking about his life and he told me about it. Getting closer and closer. Then I finally had my moment and danced with him. It was fun. It was invigorating. I felt like I had just turned 21, and all cares I had about my former life just...dissipated.

[LostInTheWild]

I look over to see his great woman-friend whispering in his ear.

 

"What did she say?!" I asked. "It seems like you're looking for more," he said. That seemed to bother him slightly, that I had asked, but I knew she was saying something about me and I wanted to know what it was. At this point in the evening, I kept reminding myself that he was content, his world was fine the way it was. And he wasn't looking to add to it. I could feel it. I didn't need it to be explained. So I never asked.

 

The bars closed on us. It seemed like none of us wanted it to end. And, regardless of what happened, if there was a point in my life I could relive over and over and over and over and over again, it would be this night. If there was ever a night when Cinderella had lost her shoe, found her prince, and lived happily ever after, it would have been on this night. And Cinderella would be me.

 

Think about it this way: Cinderella lived in a sh*thole, with nothing but sh*t to deal with on a daily basis. Then one day, she gets a chance to leave her house, her shell, her only known world, and has a great time, meets a guy, loses her shoe, he returns it, and they get married. That is me. Minus the getting into a relationship/married part. That is how magical this night was. That is how much it means to me. This is the only night I felt like I was on fire with passion.

 

We walked back to the house. A huge group of us, laughing, talking, staggering around. There were women with us now, so I felt safer. In fact, as naive as this may sound, I left my inhibitions at the door when I walked into that house. Mainly because I didn't care anymore.

 

We made it back. Everyone, except for us, ran up the stairs to be on the roof.

[LostInTheWild]

This will be the most explicit post I've ever posted. Please don't read this if it will offend. I am merely trying to record this so I don't forget it. Because it was amazing. And I'm so happy the memories are so vivid still.

 

We sat on the couch. I asked him to sit near me. Somehow, I don't remember how, he wound up kissing me. It was...maybe, quite possibly, the best kiss I've ever had in my life. And the company kept coming in and disturbing us. We would get into it, then someone would walk by and we would pretend like we weren't doing anything. Then, I wound up on top of him, his hands searching my body. "I can't do this. I don't want to ruin anything," I whispered.

 

The moment when it became intense, and too much for me to fight, in his heavy accent: "Why? We can just do it again later." And a deep kiss followed. I couldn't resist.

 

Tired of the disruptions, he knew just where to take me: on the porch, several flights below the roof where everyone was hanging out. We kissed again. He pulled out protection and covered himself with it. He bent my eager body over. It was probably the most erotic thing I've ever done. Or ever felt.

 

"Shhh..."

 

"I can't..."

 

I couldn't be quiet. And soon, it was too much for him as well. In the noisy city there was silence and slick smiles. We headed to the roof to rejoin the group.

[LostInTheWild]

Once up on the roof, his attentive ways continued...

 

"Are you cold?"

 

"Need a cigarette?"

 

"Need something to drink?"

 

I was happy to have him around and be in the moment with his crew. His friends were even warming up to me. We laughed and talked. There was a speaker playing music that I actually liked.

 

There was a young woman that was about to leave and she gave me a hug as she left. It was great; I felt I belonged, I was accepted, and it felt like I did this effortlessly. I didn't have to try to get people to like me for once. They just seemed to.

 

I realized that I had my contacts in and I would be crashing there. Earlier, in a small closet, we blew up the queen-sized air mattress. I wasn't going anywhere. I needed solution to protect my contact lenses. "Can she use some of your solution for her contacts?" he asked one of his friends. "Of course! I know what it's like to leave them in water overnight. That sucks." I thanked him.

 

The party was winding down. It was soon time for bed and the unsettling feeling of the Monday that was fast-approaching loomed over my head. I got out my toothbrush and brushed my teeth. He went to the kitchen to get me a glass for my contact lenses. I pulled them out and plopped them in the glass and added a shot of solution. I brushed my teeth.

 

I didn't want this to end. It was magical.

 

We headed back to the closet.

Edited April 29, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

Okay, so this week has been smooth-sailing so far. Work is work, training is crazy, but I'm enjoying it.

 

I visited my parents today and it was still so difficult to stay around them for a long period of time. I really love them, but it's just increasingly difficult to linger there without any furniture to sit on. It's also difficult to watch television the whole time. We are completely different. Our lives have morphed into two separate entities. Me, my friends, and I. Them, themselves, and them being together watching television. I am not happy about this. I go over there and they just lie around. It's like...hello? Are you waiting for the grim reaper to arrive?

 

I also did something I know I shouldn't have, but at the advice of a couple of people, I decided to take the plunge and text The European. He was incredibly excited about his upcoming interview and as I expected, I hadn't heard from him since Sunday. This past weekend was so...just what I needed and I don't want to ruin the memories made, so I've been holding back. He's so...inapproachable to me now that it's quite a turn-off.

 

"Hey ****, good luck with your interview tomorrow! Let me know how it goes? :o"

 

I turned my phone off at work so I didn't feel the need to check it and I checked my emotions, too. What I'm feeling is lust now. He left me with a feeling that life is worth living and I should try to live it to it's fullest, but I do want to experience it again because it was so pleasurable, like a drive to the beach.

 

I wasn't going to turn my phone back on. I didn't want to know. I arrived at an appointment and decided it was worth a shot. "Just turn it on to see what happens." I peered into my phone and watched it reach for a signal. Nothing. And that might have been better than what I actually got once my messages loaded. A message from a guy asking me to dinner who I feel is kind of boring and clingy (then I wondered if The European thought that way about me). And then the message came in.

 

"Thanks!!! I will. I hope your week is going well."

 

He is a dry texter to begin with. I pondered the difference between cultural views and since I had pursued him in the first place, several hours later I decided to respond.

 

"Thank you! It's a bit hectic with all this training, but so far, so good! And you're welcome."

 

I will wait and see if he actually does decide to tell me. Until then, this is my last message to him. I was thinking I wouldn't hear from him again (on his own accord), but I have a sneaking suspicion that he will eventually, maybe weeks from now, ask me to go somewhere again. My intuition is weak, though, so who knows? I'm not hurt because it was expected, but I am left in a quizzical state of mind, contemplating, and over-thinking. I'll work out and rest tonight. I really need it. At least my mind is off of it and pretty much out of dating anyway. It's time to focus on myself and maybe have a date here and there, to brush up on my skills (my crappy dating skills ). I admire The European's lifestyle...and I'd like to take something away from that experience. No more desperation. No more neediness. No more. It's time to wake up and smell the roses. Take life as it comes. Live fully, love deeply when it's there and right. Just live.

 

On a side note, The Player has tried to reestablish himself on my turf. He has started texting me again and has even called a few times. He tells me he "misses" me and that he wants to be my friend, yet he's oh-so-convinced if I saw him again I would feel the way for him that I did in the beginning. He is laying breadcrumbs for me in hopes of receiving my attention again. Well, actually, I'm a player too. I lie. I cheat. I do it to get what I want. Above all else, I can play games too, but unfortunately for the men who like to play these games with me, it is too late when they figure it out and renew their interest in me. That is when I become a force to be reckoned with -- a player of games. I like the attention, too, but I get what I want out of it (an ego boost) and then I do the fade-out like a man. The first texts I sent were sarcastic and funny, but now they're dry.

 

"Hello, my queen."

 

"Hi. How are you?"

 

"Good...how are you?"

 

"I'm great. Thank you!"

 

I've gotten what I wanted and I will be surprised if he does call me tonight. I think it would be funny. I also think the distance thing really bothers him. He seems to keep reiterating that by encouraging me to move up to where he lives. I'm like, "Why? I don't know anyone there. No point in that." And he says, "You know me!" I just say, "Yeah, barely. Thanks though. I have a place to live."

 

So, I also have this deep-seated urge to move now. If I don't do it within a year, I may never do it at all. And the last thing I want to do is live in a place my parents chose to raise me. I want to die in a place I chose to live, just like my parents will. They say the biggest mistake you can make in life is staying where you are your whole life. Life is out there and I want to see it.

[LostInTheWild]

In the early morning hours, everything was hush-hush.

 

"Shhh..."

 

"Speak to me in Serbian..."

 

He kept whispering that in my ear. Then a foreign phrase, then another, "Hush..." I can still hear it. It was amazing. It has to be the best sex I've ever had in the sense that I just met this guy, didn't know anything substantial about him, and there I was ready to give my heart and soul. There have only been a few people in my life that have gotten me to feel trust, ambition, determination, lust, and an awakening that gives me the thrill of the chase. But I do know where that road leads. To heartbreak central. I know better than that. That is what started this whole thread!

 

Anyway, I was had in every way by him and I still don't regret it. I still feel aglow. I still feel inspired. I don't feel let down, hurt, angry, or ready to self-destruct. I just feel...passion. Such passion I haven't felt since I was a young teenager in lust with my first "boyfriend." At least I can recognize that.

 

I do remember asking him about his history with women. He just basically said flat-out that he wanted to get this job and then he would look to settle down. I'm not stupid. I know what that means. Then again I did turn a booty call into a ten-year "thing" somehow...Just joking, but no, really I did.

 

We had sex again after the first two times. Within minutes. I couldn't get enough of him and I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere and so I took what I could. I held onto him, curled up in a ball, relaxed. My life awaited me back at home. But I was there, in the present, in the realness of it all. His cologne stuck to him and soothed me as I drifted off. I slept like I hadn't slept since my ex and I were happy. I let myself go and sink into the uncomfortable inflated mattress, in a dark closet, where I wasn't chain-smoking, where I wasn't afraid anymore, where there were no windows -- only a door that opened up to...freedom.

 

The morning brought sadness as I realized my journey with him would soon come to an end. I went to the restroom, and oh my goodness, I'm just now remembering I walked through the halls butt naked. I could have been seen! AHHHH!!!! WHAT?! Oh no, I didn't... Anyway, I went back into the room and fell asleep again, pulling him in tightly, and disappearing into him.

 

So, when we both decided it was time to wake up...you guessed it! We did it again. This time was even more passionate than the last. I've never experienced this -- each time becoming more meaningful, more passionate, more vivid, and just...more. He knew what he was doing, that's all I can say. He put everyone in my history to shame and damned near put me to shame.

 

We got dressed. He helped me zip up my dress upon my request. I put on my lucky necklace that hasn't brought me much luck (it's an elephant...and this is the second time I've received this comment since I've begun wearing it). Just a reminder of my mother. "You aren't a Republican are you?" He asked me the night previous. "Oh, no, my mom gave me this necklace."

 

I went to put in my contacts and brush my teeth and he rejoined his group. I never felt suspicious of him. Never felt the need to listen to what he said to others. Never felt the need to look or check. He was there. And I was with him.

 

I finished packing up and put my jacket on. I walked down the stairs thinking everyone would be in the living room, but instead, they were hanging around on the porch. I swung open the door and walked out. Just about everyone from the night before was there and I was happy to see them.

 

"Do you want a cigarette?" he asked, knowing I had run out.

 

"Yes, please."

 

He motioned for his friend to give me one. His friend quickly obliged. I took it, even though it's not what I normally smoke. I stood there smoking, listening to his friend's tales of losing their iPhones. Quite hilarious.

 

One of them thought they lost it in a graveyard, searched for it during a funeral service, and later found it under a bed. One had dropped it in a Dunkin' Donuts on his birthday, a girl had found it, he called it, she picked up, and he drove to her house to get it only to meet her father.

 

We all scurried inside. His friend plopped on the couch beside me. "Man, you are REALLY fun! You danced the WHOLE night! That is awesome." And of course, me being sarcastic as always, "Well, if you give me a drink or two I start dancing and can't stop until I run out of steam."

 

Our lukewarm friendship began on a sobering new day. We walked to find food and wound up at the starting point of the previous night. We went inside and they ordered beer. We drank and they talked while I just listened peacefully, thinking of the events that occurred, and about how touched my soul really was just by happening upon this good group of people by chance.

 

I looked down and noticed a sheet of paper covering the tables. Then I saw the crayons. I had one of the best bonding experiences by drawing a horse, a star, a rainbow, and a flower. Then I drew a penis. That started it all! His friend who sat on the other side of me began drawing something pretty graphic, then drew one on my horse's forehead. Our immaturity lashed out as we found nicknames for it.

 

There was an unusually tall woman who worked in the restaurant. She was maybe taller than any man I'd ever met and they had a go at her, calling her a baby giraffe, and talking about the discovery channel's depiction of giraffe's knocking each other out. I almost laughed until I cried.

 

One friend had a story to tell about someone he knew who received a DUI. It's the funniest DUI story I've ever heard. This guy was driving, recklessly, swerving into all the lanes. The cop followed him, gave him a chance, but ultimately wound up pulling him over. The guy hit a curb and almost ran over a crowd of people (not really funny just thinking about it, but...), and when the cop asked him for his license and registration, he handed him a box of paper clips. Then, the car wasn't actually in park, so it started rolling away and the cop had to chase it, hop in the window, and pull the E-brake to stop it. The guy refused a breathalizer test, instead, requesting to go to bed and retake the test in the morning. I thought this was hilarious and burst into giggles and smiles as it was being told. I was finally warming up.

 

My tennis match with my friend was becoming an impossibility as the day wore on, with just the group of us...Then it was time to go get my car...An hour away...

[LostInTheWild]

We got into his super-clean car. He reached into his glove box and pulled out a pair of Prada sunglasses. He slid them on and he looked even more nonchalant.

 

His friend sat in the backseat, and had even opened the front door for me. We dropped him off at his truck and I said my goodbye's. He was awesome. My penis-drawing buddy. We bonded over that. I even took pictures to make sure it was real. I still have them. I don't want to forget the fun I shared, although I'm sad I didn't get pictures of him and me together. I don't even have a picture of him. That's the only sadness I feel.

 

So, off we went. Through tolls, through underpasses, to the gas station where I purchased cigarettes. He stood next to me while I smoked one of my own. "I'm going to go stand in that corner so I don't blow us all up!" I smirked and skipped across the parking lot. I turned and he was there. It was sunny. It was beautiful.

 

Again, I didn't want it to end. It was a vacation of sorts for me. I touched his hair and neck. He had the coarsest hair I've ever felt. I wanted to remember it and I do. He seemed a bit uncomfortable when I reached for his head.

 

He played the best music ever. Music I actually didn't want him to turn down (and I've dated a-many whose music I despised, even my ex's). I turned it up. I sang! In front of a man I barely knew. "I may be bad but I'm perfectly good at it!" And he said, "See? I knew you could sing..."

 

I danced. I made jokes. I woke up. My personality started to shine through. I even attempted a little bit of flirtation which ended badly. We were stuck in traffic and for a moment, we both didn't look at the road, and he was moving. I had my arm up, framing my face, with my cheap sunglasses on. My hair was pulled back and all I had were my smile and words. He almost rear-ended a truck. I laughed it off and told him about my most recent accident where I actually hit someone.

 

We got closer to my car. I felt lighter and lighter. I have never felt so beautiful in someone's company without the other person having to say it. I felt secure. And I kept telling myself what I already knew, "It will never be anything more than this. Enjoy it, for this may be the last time you even see him."

 

Just as I allowed the thought to creep into my mind, I felt something touching my knee. His large hand was resting on my thigh. He was showing affection. I didn't really know how to react, so just rubbed his hand and arm to show him how much I liked that.

 

We drove by some random stalks of bamboo that grow in this area in different neighborhoods. He seemed surprised that it could survive. He said, "You guys could have pandas here!" And I made a good joke, my shining moment, in a desolate hunting town: "Yeah, we could, but they'd just shoot them all." And he laughed. The deepest laugh I'd heard from him. The most real one.

 

We got to our original meet-up and decided to use the bathrooms. He held the door for me. When we came out, he walked me to my car. I showed him the damage I'd done to it and told him I loved the car anyway.

 

"Well, I had fun. If you're looking for fun..." And for some reason I can't recall what he said. But it was something along those lines. Fun.

 

I smiled at him and he smiled back. I felt like I was at the beach and the salty air kissed my face in the breeze.

 

"Sure."

 

He leaned in and kissed me. I will never forget the last time I saw him. Walking to his car in the brightest sunshine I had ever witnessed...

 

I couldn't watch him leave, so I left first. I can only ever wonder what it was he thought of me. It's amazing how some people come into our lives, ever so briefly, and leave such a pang of longing for happiness, a sense of self, and beauty.

 

He was beautiful. That's the way I want to remember him. And damn...it is so sad that I might never see that man again. He knocked me off my feet.

 

When in doubt...just do it. It could change everything.

Edited April 30, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[mattny]

I have to say, hands down this is probably the best autobiography Ive ever read.

 

You might feel like youre unique in your feelings, your emotional roller coaster day in and day out. Wondering if you will ever feel normal again. You arent alone....minus a few things (beer and smoking), your story parallels mine. Im going on 8 months of getting out of a 4 year relationship, 5 total as friends where I almost married her before she decided to walk out. Your love, hate, indifference, longing, sadness, happiness is almost identical to me. Been on several dates and learned very quickly how to read body language and cut things off if need be.

 

You sound like a great person, and its a shame so many guys lie and decieve their way into your pants and leave you walls up and swearing off men. Us gentlemen end up getting no chance to show what we are really capable of.

 

I know what it feels like to wonder if you will ever find that person that 'gets' you....I still long for the life I once had, it was wonderful and I want to continue from where I left off...someone who takes me for my different flawed personality like my ex did. Youve started over way more times than I have, and come back every time, and major kudos to you for trying again and again. Ive chosen the lay low single life for the time being, out of all the women Ive talked to only one I felt a 'spark' with and everything flowed nicely, but then I found out she still had a man who she was on and off with (axed that quickly). Ive also refrained from random one night stands, me shagging random women just doesnt seem to be my thing. My brain is locked on settling down lol...

 

When I first met my ex, she was 22 and I was just turning 27. We clicked because I was figuring out my life late and she was just starting as well. We were able to grow and mold each other and bond, forming a deep love in the process. Many more great memories than hardships. At 31 now, I know what I want but that 'new putty'-like mentality, that ability to let yourself go and build another part of you like I did so easily before, seems to be missing for me. Have you felt this way at any time in this whole ordeal?

[LostInTheWild]

I wish I had something to write about tonight. I reread what I've written and it seems I just can't top it. I can't top that night with anything except more complaints about my daily life.

 

Like...I'd really like to punch my coworker in the face. I'm sick of her backstabbing, complaining ass. If my arm hair was too long, the wench would complain. If I wear a skirt, the wench complains. Day-in and day-out at work, she is my nemesis. Tension always fills the air when we are around each other. My tension is rooted in the need to teach the bitch a lesson the good, old-fashioned way. Hallelujah.

 

Like...I'm exhausted from training. I'm training for my new job and training someone to take over my position. I have to talk and answer questions for hours...I'm not used to that and my answers, sometimes, come out rather unpleasant. I keep reminding myself that he is learning and I did the same things. But it's tough. I mean, I ask a lot of questions, too, but learning my role is becoming easy for me because I have more experience with the business. Increasingly, I feel even better about my new job function. I believe I'm an excellent learner and candidate for it. I won't let them down (unless I punch my coworker in the face).

 

Like...I'm starting to feel tired again, unfortunately, from all of the thinking I've been putting myself through. Not about my life path, or how everyone is moving on in the world and I'm still stuck here. That's not even a thought to me anymore. I try to approach situations a bit differently now. I try to be more open. I keep drinking every day though, and it's not getting better. Now, it's cigarettes and beer. Cigarettes and beer. I don't even eat dinner anymore. The last time I remember having dinner this week was the night I stopped at my parent's house. They fed me. I don't even want to go to the grocery store, but I will tomorrow. I can't remember the last time I was there...seriously. I haven't cleaned my kitchen. My floor still has bits and pieces of the small shards of the vase I broke all over it, along with some dainty rose petals. I haven't done dishes. Everything just sits and accumulates. Maybe I'll take care of that tomorrow. It will definitely improve my mood, I think. I'm tired of looking at my place and thinking, "Gosh, who am I? My dad would murder me in my sleep!"

 

On the other hand, I still feel positive, but bored. This place I live in is sleepy. There is no hustle and bustle. Just traffic and the same old, same old. The same boring places. The same boring streets. The same everything. What I tried to escape this past weekend.

 

I went to see my therapist tonight. I read her my story. She smiled, laughed, and was an enthusiastic listener the whole time. That brought me some joy as I could hardly keep myself from laughing. I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I keep feeling this need to talk about it. I think my insecurity manifests itself in my need for constant affirmation. The feelings I feel are okay. And I also need someone to be right about something. I want someone to tell me this is what my life will be like. This is what will happen. I want to see it coming rather than just letting it happen. I want to be prepared.

 

Most of all, I just want to hear, "He will contact you. You will see him again." I want that person to be right. My therapist told me she would be surprised if he didn't contact me to hang out again within a month. I brushed it off, "Yeah, right. I don't want to taint the memories I've made with him. It was a once and done type of deal. I don't think it would be wise to go out to see him again, assuming he did call." And she gave me some encouragement. "You want to protect yourself with those thoughts, so you won't feel hurt." I nodded, "I guess so." I looked down at the dark screen on my phone. I felt my cheeks turn red and any feeling that I felt in that moment, I smothered. I don't want feelings towards someone I don't know. I don't want to chase. I don't want to cling. "You would go see him again, wouldn't you?" I thought about this for two seconds, "I would." I'm glad she asked me that because all of the, "I don't have expectations," garble I've been spewing here is untrue and unfounded. Of course I want companionship and happiness! If I can't have them both, I'd choose happiness every time. Whether I'm happy on my own or with someone who I'm crazy about, even if I'm an irritating flea in their world.

 

Even still, although I'm not hurt by anything, this is still difficult for me to move past mainly because I found happiness in what I was doing and with who I was hanging out with. I keep repeating this but it's so important for me to FEEL something. I want to FEEL. I don't want the boring, "I have things," kind of lifestyle. I want my life to be full. I know only I can make it that way, but nobody can do that completely alone.

 

I keep thinking I just want to see him one more time. Just one more time. But then I think that it might not be such a good idea. I don't want to get attached to a man like that. I've done it and it got me nowhere for 10 years. Then I try to change my own mind and battle myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe, if I got the chance to see him again and we became friends, it might be different. How foolish of me. I feel like I'm betraying myself and my bold pride. Shame on me for allowing myself the tiniest of minute hopes. If I could, I would punch myself (well, I can, but it wouldn't be that hard...and I need the piss knocked out of me right now).

 

It's okay though. Every little thing is going to be all right. I just need to stop feeding my energy that is directed towards him and continue on. Maybe if I do that, I'll be able to come back here with something to really write about. Right now, these are just thoughts and a strong writer's block (amazingly).

[LostInTheWild]

I have to say, hands down this is probably the best autobiography Ive ever read.

 

You might feel like youre unique in your feelings, your emotional roller coaster day in and day out. Wondering if you will ever feel normal again. You arent alone....minus a few things (beer and smoking), your story parallels mine. Im going on 8 months of getting out of a 4 year relationship, 5 total as friends where I almost married her before she decided to walk out. Your love, hate, indifference, longing, sadness, happiness is almost identical to me. Been on several dates and learned very quickly how to read body language and cut things off if need be.

 

You sound like a great person, and its a shame so many guys lie and decieve their way into your pants and leave you walls up and swearing off men. Us gentlemen end up getting no chance to show what we are really capable of.

 

I know what it feels like to wonder if you will ever find that person that 'gets' you....I still long for the life I once had, it was wonderful and I want to continue from where I left off...someone who takes me for my different flawed personality like my ex did. Youve started over way more times than I have, and come back every time, and major kudos to you for trying again and again. Ive chosen the lay low single life for the time being, out of all the women Ive talked to only one I felt a 'spark' with and everything flowed nicely, but then I found out she still had a man who she was on and off with (axed that quickly). Ive also refrained from random one night stands, me shagging random women just doesnt seem to be my thing. My brain is locked on settling down lol...

 

When I first met my ex, she was 22 and I was just turning 27. We clicked because I was figuring out my life late and she was just starting as well. We were able to grow and mold each other and bond, forming a deep love in the process. Many more great memories than hardships. At 31 now, I know what I want but that 'new putty'-like mentality, that ability to let yourself go and build another part of you like I did so easily before, seems to be missing for me. Have you felt this way at any time in this whole ordeal?

 

Thanks, Matt.

 

Yes, I feel that way. It is hard to try to rebuild my life but it's just...I have so much more experience now. There is no going back to being a naive child when it comes to romance and relationships.

 

Rebuilding everything is the only choice I have, and although I've made progress (maybe not from what I've been writing, ha), I just don't want to wind up a little worker bee with nothing but work, work, and work. I THINK I want to get married and MAYBE have children some day. I'm just on a clock. I kill my eggs more and more everyday, LOL. Just kidding...

 

I'm going to go out this weekend to meet up with my belly dance instructor. She is having a little birthday party of sorts and I figure since she invited me, why not? I am going to try this "maxing out life" thing and see what happens. I'll get her a gift, watch her performance, and enjoy a few drinks afterwards.

 

I'm trying.

 

Also, I know that men like to get what they want (into my pants), but I'm very liberal about it and have no expectations of a man just because he sleeps with me (because I love it, too), you know? I don't think I've posted anything angry about a "pump and dump" scenario where I was feeling angry and used. The only exception I can think of, since I'm not feeling the idea of rereading my entire thread, is the guy who stuck around for a month before I drank too much and made a fool of myself. He was really into me, but I probably scared him off just like the booger-eater scared me off. Haha.

 

Every other guy I've dumped. If I didn't get a chance to the first time, I rubbed him out and crushed his ego the second time.

 

I think I've just met the REAL "pump and dump" gentleman from Europe, but only time can tell that...hahaha...

 

I'm okay though. Still here, sipping the beer. Thank you for your comment! I love to hear that people like to read my stories.

Edited May 1, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

This week will be closing as quickly as it came. It's almost like my life flashed before my eyes. It's so unreal.

 

I woke up this morning later than usual. I got to work and everything blurred together.

 

Tomorrow is Friday. I don't feel good about it. Although I do love my job, I'd rather not be there, but I can't really imagine being anywhere else. Does that make sense?

 

I have these vacation days to use up. What will I do with them? I thought about that a lot today. What will I do? Sit at home?

 

I have something to do tomorrow night. Do I want to go? No. Not really, but I will.

 

I look forward to Monday. I'd rather black out for the weekend and just move right back into my regular routine.

 

I'd rather do anything than sit here. I'd rather do anything other than living through another empty weekend. I guess that's the worst outcome from all of this. That's what makes me feel bad about everything. I'm happy, but I don't know how to apply it. The wonderful weekend I had is fading in a sense that I keep wanting it to happen again. It's so unforgettable that it's wearing me down. Making me want more. It's plaguing me.

 

I will find a way to forget. I have to. I'll let it go as if it were a little fantasy I dreamed up. It must have been. Then I'll crumble it up and throw it in the trash with the rest of my memories.

[LostInTheWild]

I'm back to wearing my ring each day. I had taken it off and left it off briefly during the weekend and the beginning of this week. But now, it's starting to feel even more comfortable.

 

That makes me happy. A negative reminder it started off as, now merely brings me joy to wear it on my left ring finger. Not only is it a cute repellant, but it sparkles in the light and draws my attention to it.

 

Happiness: Protection.

 

I keep checking my phone for messages. I keep holding onto the hope that The European will contact me and invite me out. It clicked for me around noon time. He won't. Simple as that. Stop looking forward to seeing him, stop looking at your phone, just...stop pining for something that is as mystical as a horse with a penis on it's head. A one night stand. That's all it was. A chance to see what someone's life was like.

 

I found happiness in my acceptance that, as negative as it may sound, there will always be me. I have to be comfortable with myself because me and my body will be together for a very long time. Just me. I haven't stopped looking at my phone, but it's easier to let it go. And breathe out, letting go of any hold there was.

 

Happiness: Acceptance.

 

I laughed a lot today. Not because I wanted to, but because that's all there is left to do. In my sleepy city, in the sleepy building where I work, in the time consuming tasks, I found myself grateful for my friends.

 

They listen to me. If there was ever a group of people who cared, it would be them. Today I understood the loyalty we all shared towards each other. And seeing my friend's smiles cheered me up to the point where I found another application for happiness.

 

Happiness: Appreciation.

 

My parents are coming by to pick up a ladder. I don't feel so angry with them for once. I kind of want to hang out with them for a bit, but I have somewhere to be shortly. My friend from work got coffee from her country for my father. It will be nice to see his face light up. And I plan on giving my mom a huge hug. I miss them.

 

Happiness: Family.

 

Training almost seemed to go so smoothly today, I could barely figure out what to do with myself. While I have many other priorities, it almost made me feel like I had to reach out to my new department and try to learn more. So I did. A good little worker bee I was, I even swept up a mess that wasn't caused by me. And drama was virtually nonexistent.

 

Happiness: Work (even if that isn't where I should be drawing my happiness from).

 

I walked the train tracks at lunch with my friend and we focused on her a lot more. I feel badly for bringing her down with my sad tales of love gone wrong, so lately I haven't been telling her anything about it. As much as I want something to slip off my tongue, I realize I can hear her better when I'm not so self-consumed with my own pains and tragedies. Her voice is musical and childlike, and I enjoy hearing her stories and what she has learned. I can finally pay attention to her and I hear myself asking more questions and showing more interest. I don't feel as selfish anymore for hogging our lunch hour with "what he did next" stories.

 

Happiness: Listening.

 

The sun is shining today, and although I don't think it will be as bright as I've seen it previously, it's more beautiful because I've spent so long in the dark. I feel like a dying plant finally figuring out that sunlight means everything in order to survive. I feel okay about myself today (we all know how long that lasts!). And I'm finding contentment in my boring, drab lifestyle.

 

I'm going to go out and try to have a good time meeting all new people. I won't know a soul (except for my belly dance instructor) and that's okay with me. She's getting me out of the house! On a Friday! And it's not another ridiculous appointment like all the others (that's what I use to get out...appointments for beauty or this or that). I might actually have a good time and save money.

 

Happiness: Not Knowing What's Going to Happen.

 

Which brings me to this: a very warm, a very personal, a very deep, truly, with-all-of-my-being thank you to The European. I wish I could tell him what that night has done for me. I wish I could reach out to him. I wish he would reach out to me. I wish I had the opportunity to know him. I wish, I wish, I wish for so many things pertaining to this. Because...if he wanted to know me, which apparently he could give two sh*ts, I would totally be with a guy like that. And he cleared that up for me: what it is I ACTUALLY want in a man. I never had a clue.

 

I do now. Thank you... I wish I could post your name here. Really. And even for the brief period we knew each other, I miss you, I really do. Please don't forget me.

 

Happiness: Knowing What I Want.

Edited May 2, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

I went out for a wonderful night on the town with these people I barely even knew. I got to the restaurant, sat down at the waitress's insistence, with these two guys I didn't even know. One of them "belonged" to my belly dance instructor. The other appeared to be a free agent. I sat down with my guard up right away, but once I started to get to know them, it was...a REALLY good time. I have officially had short periods of time having a relaxed facial expression because smiles and laughter chanted out around the restaurant and bar we went to afterwards, for hours.

 

The man who "belonged" to my belly dance instructor just kept rolling out stories I've never heard before. "I had sex with a llama."

 

Oh no..., here it comes...

 

"I was on a farm with my grandfather and I had my back turned to this llama. I wasn't paying attention and he jumped on me. BOOM! Then he humped my back. My shirt was soaked."

 

I cried laughing. He told the story far better than I ever could, but can you imagine? Wow...I thought chihuahuas were annoying.

 

One guy made fun of my coat. Apparently it makes me look as though I'm wearing shoulder pads...although, I thought I'd graduated from 9th grade at the very least, so...that was met with a "**** you." We laughed about it the whole way back to our cars, with a couple of beers in our system. I was just along for the ride and it was really fun.

 

I hugged my new friends goodbye, hoping to see them again, but never knowing if I would. These fragile friendships...they are weak but they are fantastic. I enjoyed them.

 

I stumbled back to my car, dreading the long drive ahead, feeling bloated, tired, and full. I wondered what would happen tomorrow. What could I possibly do to get out of this wonderful, yet terrible, rut I've been in? I just couldn't think anymore.

 

I pulled out my phone. I was preparing to listen to music. I pushed the button so it would flash me it's screen.

[LostInTheWild]

I had two text messages. I wasn't expecting any, as usual, and I was surprised I didn't feel my phone vibrate like I always do. It must have taken place when I was administering hugs.

 

The Player. He texted me. Out of all the people I would want to hear from, it had to be him. Yay.

 

"Yo yo"

 

"Hey ****! What's up?"

 

I'll spare the many details but ultimately he wound up asking me to come out to where he lives. He called me and told me he missed me and would like to see me again. I told him I wanted to be compensated for gasoline and an oil change. He agreed to the gas, but not the oil change. That was a deal breaker, haha, as I'd never intended to go either way. He honestly sounded like...he was sort of upset that I wouldn't. He thought that I would say yes. And when I declined, he asked me if there was someone else. I told him there wasn't and up until now (checking invisible watch), I'm still single. I quickly rushed off the phone when he started laughing and being sarcastic about how I wouldn't drive up there. I was a little bit tired and had a couple of drinks, plus I had another thing to attend to that involved the use of my phone and he was taking up my valuable time.

 

"Oh well, okay, I'm going to go. Good night."

 

"Hahaha...You're not doing anything now, right? Hahahahaha....."

 

"Okay, goooood niiiiiight!"

 

Click.

 

So, let's rewind a bit. I did get two text messages. One was from The Player. The other...upon closer inspection, sitting in a dark parking lot in my dark car, I winced at the beaming screen. The European.

 

"Hi! How was your week? The second interview went very well. They like me. I should know something next week."

 

Text received: 8 minutes ago. This is crucial because I didn't want him to think I wasn't interested anymore, and rather than play a silly game of waiting for three hours to respond, I just fired one right back.

 

"Hey ***! Just got done hanging out with some friends in ***** (on my way home now). And that's awesome! I hope you get it. What are you up to?"

 

"Thanks. Just hanging out with my friend drinking. It was a long Friday."

 

"Yeah? What happened? I'm just exhausted from training this dude to take over my job while learning the new one. It's a mess."

 

"Long, complicated day at work. 7:30-7. It was a Friday you couldn't wait to be over. :-) How did the training go?"

 

"I'll text you in a few. Driving."

 

"Responsible! Good! Ttys."

 

I was a long way from home and wanted to hurry to get home so I could bury my face into my phone to speak to him. I can't text and drive. Some people I've met are really talented at it until they hit a school bus, but that's just not my style. So I had no choice.

 

Driving along the dark road, I wondered what could possibly happen next. This guy definitely is keeping me on my toes, ready to jump, ready to see him again. I have no qualms with that, but I'm not going to try to put any pressure or moves on him. Hell, I could wind up hating him for all I know. It just depends.

 

I arrived at home about 25 minutes later. I sat in my car.

 

"Haha, yeah, made it home! Who needs spandex? So training has been pretty crappy and I didn't think he'd pick it up but today he amazed me. Learning my new role is gravy since I know the business so well. But it's always fun to learn more and get paid for it. So it's worth it. Doing anything fun this weekend?"

 

"I have a baby shower tomorrow and a surprise birthday party. After that I may go out. How about you?"

 

"Eh, you know, the usual. Getting my car serviced, etc. Boring stuff. Wow that's one hell of a day! Whose birthday? And who's having a babe?"

 

"My host mom mom's 80th. Really fun! Since it will be over soon, I may have a chance to go out ;-)"

 

"Aww well that sounds cool! She won't party too hard! Haha"

 

"My host mom's daughter's baby. She is 8 months old and she is getting christening (I'm sorry, it's not a shower) :-)"

 

"LOL. No definitely not! Haha. That's really nice though. Where might you go out?"

 

"Not sure. I make plans on the go :-)"

 

Then I was floored.

 

"Maybe we should hand out again."

 

All I could say was, "You know, I would like that a lot. ;)"

 

"Good"

 

"Tomorrow?"

 

"I have to play it by ear tomorrow. Not sure how long this thing will be."

 

"Okay. Let me know. I'll be busy most of the day anyway. But if not tomorrow, then maybe another time."

 

"Absolutely. I'll text you tomorrow! :-) Have a good night!! Ttys"

 

"Awesome. Good night!"

 

Today has been the most agonizing day. I looked at the inspection on my car...it's two months past due. I looked for the registration for an hour...finally found it. Tried to make an appointment for an oil change and inspection. Denied. For today anyway. I figured if I'd be traveling, it's about time to have a look-see and find out how much of a slacker I really am. The damn car is going to fall apart if I drive any significant distance. I did this all the while thinking I'd hear from him. And I haven't. The night is still relatively young, but...I don't think he will text me.

 

Got some chores done! Cleaning house tonight! Woo hoo...

 

It's okay though. I'm not upset. I'm just trying to figure out what he's about. He doesn't owe me anything anyway, so...

 

I'm going to get ready to go to bed.