Lost In The Wild

[LostInTheWild]

Things have been going really, really well for me...and Keanu (his requested name because he likes that movie). He wants to see my thread, and I know he can't do that. I've put some crazy stuff in here. Maybe I'll read him some things, and skim over others, or maybe he will never know.

 

I'm just lying to myself.

 

I wake up in the morning, put on my clothes to pretend I'm something I'm not. I put on my makeup to hide who I am. And then I stare in the mirror hoping to be the person I want to be. I just want to magically wake up and be someone I'm not. At my age, I know that the window is closing for that to happen. It also takes a lot of work.

 

I spent Friday night with Keanu and it was a great time. We really had a lot of fun playing around. I can't remember sharing that kind of closeness with someone in a long time and to utter these words is dangerous. Yes, dangerous. I sense danger and impending doom.

 

I ignore it though.

 

Until it slapped me in the face pretty hard.

 

You guys know I have an unhealthy position in favoring the negative. It cradles me and it keeps me safe. I hate everyone until I love them. And it is either pretty fast or unusually slow to the point where I lose interest. Or I start of liking someone and then they start doing things that make me hate them. It's a mix. And this thing with Keanu was definitely one of the messier ones.

 

The thing is that sometimes my heart feels so big that it might burst when I'm with him, and other times I squeeze it so forcefully to choke it back I can almost feel it wanting to explode in my chest. I just want to express my feelings and I want to be allowed to do that. And I never, ever am. No matter who I'm with. No matter what.

 

I am not allowed to express my feelings. Because that means I lose people. And I'm so tired of that. But if I don't then nobody will ever know, so I do that here.

 

We stood in his garage and the words danced in my mind. And then they danced off my tongue into the air. There was no going back.

 

"Are you sleeping with anyone else or do you plan to?" I asked.

 

"No," he said and looked puzzled. "I'm not looking to dive into anything super serious right now though. I thought you wanted the same thing? I'm not stringing you along here, but I want to take things slow. Not so slow that it feels like it's not going anywhere, though."

 

I explained my position, "I'm not in a place right now to support a relationship right now, but I DO want a relationship."

 

"I want one too," he said.

 

There was more, but that was the highlight. And that was when I knew I was the passenger in the cab. Again.

 

Although it shouldn't have, it did some damage. We managed to pull it together for the rest of the evening and pretend like it didn't happen, but the truth is, it did. And I'm not even sure if it's over yet.

 

He doesn't know that though. And he never will. He will never read this. He will never know. He probably won't even last through the end of the year, although I'll try because I like him.

 

What I wanted to tell him was this:

 

I want to matter to someone.

I want someone to fall in love with me and love me as much as I love him.

I want to be happy and comfortable.

I want to live in love and beauty.

I want someone who knows this and is willing to give this to me everyday.

 

To me, what he told me was he doesn't want me. I'm just good enough right now until he finds what he's really looking for. It just ain't me.

 

He's gone for a week now. I'll grit my teeth and bear it. Maybe bring some games into this equation because it won't hurt anything. Pretend I'm off doing other things. Be a little bit more interesting. Don't be so available.

 

I woke up this morning and put my clothes on, pretending to be something I'm not. I put my makeup on to hide who I am. And then I stared in the mirror, hoping to morph into what somebody else might want. I had to leave, though, and so I hailed a cab. The light was on. I didn't know where to stop so I told him to keep driving. I'm waiting to get out for the next passenger.

 

I pulled out my phone and wrote, "I hope to see you again."

 

[LostInTheWild]

Here we are. In the present, looking towards the future.

 

I still wait for the floor to crumble beneath my feet. I can’t tell if it’s just a habit, or if I might actually be right. I usually am, but I’ve been surprised before.

 

He came back yesterday after being gone for a week. I was excited that he made plans with me earlier in the week. I got all done up to see him and off I went.

 

He was late. I called, and the battery in his car died. I drove out to help him jump his car. It didn’t work. We were too late to see a movie and so we went out bar hopping together (we did this before).

 

I could tell he missed me. He said he did. He looked like he did. I felt he did.

 

The whole night was unlike anything I’ve experienced in years. Kissing like two teenagers. Hand holding. Dancing together. Joking around a ton. Laughing... and I really enjoyed him. And that’s also when I knew I was falling for him. I want to pin the exact moment down. That was when we got to the second bar and had even more fun than at the one before it.

 

I’m no fool. I know that it’s a mistake to let go and allow myself to have feelings. I’ve been holding back for so long, standing at the bottom of a dark well, and finally the lid was opened just a crack. A crack is all I need.

 

He can officially hurt me. And I’m taking the risk.

 

But...I had a meltdown. I’m not sure how this week is going to play out, but if it plays out okay or better than before, then I think it’s safe to say that he’s feeling the same way I am.

 

He told me a secret as I stood there naked in front of him. He told me he went to a bachelor’s party and a stripper gave him a lap dance, then reached into his pants. The drunken horror on my face prompted him to step back as I announced, “You were with someone at that time!”

 

Well, I wish I could sit here and say it was a great conversation. It’s one I don’t think I’ve ever had before. I asked him if he would do that to me. He said he wouldn’t, and suggested I get dressed because the conversation was getting serious (LOL). Well I put my shirt on and followed him to the kitchen announcing that at this point, if he would have gotten hit on while we were out, I would have bitch slapped her. He actually agreed. He said he didn’t want dudes hitting on me at all.

 

I told him I’m not trying to lock him down or trap him but I don’t want him ****ing other people. We had a similar conversation before but it wasn’t as tidy as this one because I actually got to tell him if he feels like he wants to sleep around then just tell me but I’m not sticking around because I don’t want things to start like that. And that to me, it would mean that I’m not enough for him, regardless of our status. I said if he would do that, it would hurt me. And that I understood he’s fresh out of a relationship but he can just tell me now if he wants to **** other people but to be sure that’s what he wants because I’m gone. He said he doesn’t want me ****ing other guys. He also said he doesn’t feel the need to look for it because he has what he wants right now.

 

No ****ing. Agreed. Exclusivity. Until there isn’t any exclusivity, I guess.

 

There was a point where I really thought I’d be sleeping off my drunkenness in his spare bedroom and awkwardly pulling myself together in the morning and running away before the birds started chirping. That’s not what happened.

 

I apologized to him for being passionate. I just told him I don’t know what to do. I’m out of practice. I don’t know how to handle this what with him being so fresh out of a relationship. He said he understood. He told me he was glad we talked about it. I stood in his kitchen kind of playing with the countertop when he told me I looked anxious. I said usually things like this cause people to disappear.

 

We had great sex and went to pass out at 6AM. In the morning, I was in the same position as when I went to sleep. With his arms around me. And in the morning, we went to get breakfast, watched a movie, and I said my goodbyes.

 

He was absolutely caring. He was super sweet. He cuddled me, kissed me, and did things for me. It’s just turning into something in my mind that I hadn’t actually planned on. The problem is, I still don’t think he’s ready. And I applied pressure to him when I probably shouldn’t have, even if the conversation had to happen at this level of intensity.

 

But, now I wonder: what now? I think he’s going to run. Something bad is going to happen. Something is going to go wrong. What is it? What’s going to happen next?

 

Will I get the slow fade? Will he keep up the interest? Have I lost him and I don’t yet know?

 

It makes me sad. And I never thought he’d be in a position to make me feel like bad about losing him.

[wishyouneverleft]

Most part of the day and when I'm with my girl I'm doing great, but when I'm alone, when I least expect it, she comes back. The thoughts swirl, the good memories, the "what ifs" that sometimes get so ridiculous. Like, "What if I didn't do that thing with my eye when I talk to her really late at night when I'm exhausted, would she have stayed?". Then I remind myself, that sort of stuff wouldn't turn off someone that professed their undying love to you. I saw quirks and minor things that honestly I didn't care because of the love I had for her.

[LostInTheWild]

As the day progressed into a series of unfortunate events, I thought of a guide I could write out if anyone wants to know the exact steps they have to take in order to get ****ed over.

 

You're in the right place. Just follow my step-by-step plan and you will be on the way to F*ckedville in no time flat.

 

It's important to prime yourself for this method because it can be exhausting and anxiety-inducing, so please, do yourself a favor and buy wine everyday. Strong wine. Dry wine. Not the fruity sh*t — nobody wants that. You need to be doing some damage to your body at night, night after night, after work. Chain smoking is optional. When the doctor tells you that you have acid reflux and your vocal cords are red, you're in good shape. Pull out this guide and begin.

 

1. Give Everyone a Chance.

 

Date them all. Date losers. Date winners. Date crazies. Date seemingly sane men! Date hot men. Date ugly men! Date short men. Date tall men! Date long penises. Date short penises. Date skinny penises. Date fat penises. Date them ALL!

 

You want to date so many guys that don't stick around that your friends tell you that it's your fault. You're too picky. Never say NO!

 

When you get a gut feeling that something is wrong, ignore it!!! It's because your nerves are shot from all the wine, so drink more. It's cool if your get the shakes on your way to work, just hide in your office half the day with the door closed.

 

The wine, I promise, will at least help you get 4 hours of sleep per night. If you feel anxious during the day, chain smoke! That totally helps!

 

2. Keep An Open Heart and Trust New People

 

Or...keep an open mind! It works for me. See, I swear off dating for 6 months and then boom! I'm ready to trust/date/love again in no time.

 

Trust everything new people tell you. They wouldn't lie. They don't have any reasons to not tell you anything about their pasts. Transparency is a virtue. I swear!

 

Make sure you're able to love wholeheartedly before you get involved. Be what I like to call: thirsty. See, if you are thirsty, then it's easier to get caught up and wear your heart on your sleeve, but no worries, people love you for that!!! Wear that heart on your sleeve, girl!! Wear it!

 

Being thirsty is so much easier after you turn 30, so you may have to wait awhile. Actually, we might as well change that term over to DESPERATE and coin yourselves the term, "Desperada". For my single ladies over 30! Woo hoo!

 

I have to recommend this again: ALWAYS keep an open mind. Once you've seen it all, someone comes along and shows you something new. You should stick around to see what that might be just so you can become a "seasoned" dater and get on the path to being f*cked over!!

 

3. BE the VICTIM

 

When you are sitting at home in between conquests drunk, be sure to phone or text your friends playing the victim! Or do it sober all day long like I do! It's whatever floats your boat here.

 

I added this one in here because you learn a lot from people who care about you. There really is no negative connotation here. You are the victim because you are the victim.

 

**** that a**hole!

 

4. Express Yourself

 

Tell men what you think they want to hear.

 

"I don't want you to f*ck anybody else."

 

"I love you."

 

"I care about you."

 

"I want to see you tomorrow."

 

"I like pink!"

 

"I had fun with you."

 

"I want a relationship."

 

[Variant with equal results] "I would like a relationship someday."

 

[Variant with disastrous results] "I would like a relationship with you."

 

I think those are enough samples. Be honest with them, ladies. Tell them you like unicorns, wedding dresses, and baby breath. He will be sh*tting himself while he backs away from you like you're a wild beast with three boobs and five eyes.

 

Actually, if you're really interested in getting f*cked over, say ALL of these things at once and hold a full open bottle of wine while you do so. If you use the last variant on the list, be sure to swish your arm out at him while wine goes flying everywhere. He. Will. RUN.

 

5. Accept Everything

 

But never be yourself. If you've been through the list a few times, you know that being yourself gets you nowhere.

 

Accept everything he does or wants to do with you. He calls; you jump. He gives a little; you give a lot. Accept it. Accept that sometimes, despite all the nice things you do, how much you give, how great you think you are, he's gonna **** you over. Sometimes it's a soft tap. Sometimes it's a hard tap.

 

Whatever you do, be sure to be holding that bottle of wine. No wine glasses.

Edited November 29, 2017 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

It took a week, today marks the day, to stop crying over you. I still get teary occasionally, but I’m not sobbing anymore. I’m starting to make peace with your decision.

 

We had a great time together. Drinking, dancing, playing pool, inside jokes nobody else would believe, and we missed each other. You can’t tell me that we didn’t.

 

I remember my eyes tracing the outline of your face, the three-dimensional shape of you, your lips and your eye color (oh how it matched the gray shirt you wore), and I took in all of you that day. And I cried because I knew you meant something to me that day, even if I couldn’t appreciate you then. Or maybe I appreciated you more than you appreciated having me.

 

After three months you stood there and called it. “My gut feeling is telling me this isn’t going to work out.” I asked you if you were sure and you sighed and looked away, then back at me, “Yes, I’m sure.”

 

I imagine in the future that you will regret this day. Not right now, no, you feel relaxed and relieved. Right now your friends, whom you introduced me to, are surrounding you and supporting your decision. You say, “What was I thinking?” And laugh.

 

Even though I know something else is wrong. There is something you haven’t told me. There is something I don’t know about you.

 

And you will feel this loss. It will eat you up in the coming months and force your hand to reach out. One day. Not today. Not next week. Not even in the next six months. But I know you’ll be back and I will be able to read this to you.

 

I was so good to you. I know I was, despite my initial feelings and wretched thoughts. Maybe I poisoned us or maybe I knew you weren’t going to stay. Or maybe I knew I’d lose you like I’ve lost so many others. I could’ve even chased you away.

 

I never asked for commitment, but I didn’t want you to sleep around or date others. I didn’t want to wake up and this person I thought I knew so well was already moving on to someone else, with me hanging in the balance. Maybe it happened and I didn’t see it. Or maybe it didn’t because I was around all the time.

 

You treated me like a friend. It felt healthy easing into it. And in the end, you told me that’s all you felt I was. Just a friend. Your feelings wouldn’t grow.

 

The one thing I’ve learned over the years is that the worst thing to do is try to convince people to stay. They don’t want to be there; let them go. And so I did. Gracefully. I didn’t beg. I didn’t plead. I didn’t throw a tantrum. I told you I respect you for telling me. In person? Yes. But, it was wrong the way you tried to avoid that.

 

I’m really going to miss the living **** out of you. I even thought, as I sat at the bar with my friend that night, that I really did love you. And I’m trying to move on for my sanity. But I don’t really want to because I want you to come back.

 

But I know I didn’t offer enough in my life. I’m still recovering from the blow that took part of my life away with it. I know that living with my parents isn’t cool. Wanting more money does nothing. Going and getting the money changes things. And I’m pretty sure it’s my blown up life you don’t want. I don’t want it either. But it is mine.

 

I see myself walking down the street from my apartment in the near future, gym body glistening in the warm sun, happiness radiating from me, cigarette-free, career booming, the wonder of the world at my fingertips. Because I’ve made a commitment to myself, the commitment I couldn’t make to you, to be better in life. I stroll down to my new car with my dog you’ve never met. Just as I go to get into it, I see you drive by. And for a moment, I don’t recognize you.

 

I choose to move on and be happy, without you, even if I don’t want to leave you in the past. It’s where you chose to remain. I choose the future you don’t deserve to have with me, because you didn’t want me at my worst.

 

Someone will. Someone will see how great I am, the change that is me, and the future I’ve made for myself. Alone. I will single-handedly rewrite my life.

 

I can’t wait for you to see how I’ve learned what I’m worth. I may not even want you back by then, but this is my inspiration to get me back.

 

I’m worth more than how you treated me. I didn’t deserve any of it.

Edited January 17, 2018 by LostInTheWild

[Fever of love]

Good luck on your journey, Lost. Your writing is amazing, you have such a rich inner life. That cabbie post was so good.

[LostInTheWild]

Tap, tap, tap...

 

On my phone I go off into the land of exes once again.

 

A picture with her. A wedding. Flashes of a dress. Happiness. Kissing. Hugs.

 

I think about us. I think about them. I think of us as individuals now. That’s all there is.

 

I didn’t know what to do at first. Then I got mad. Then I was sad again.

 

I cried again tonight. I don’t know why I feel so ****ed over but I do. I guess it’s because I got left.

 

I thought it was about stuff. Not having that new car or an apartment but I’m so glad I realized before I made a move on anything that it’s my directionless life that turns people off.

 

At least I think so.

 

So...I applied to college. Pay out of pocket while I have the luxury to. Put apartments and cars on hold.

 

I don’t want to struggle financially. So I choose not to. I choose to give in to what society says I need and pay for that piece of paper. Oh, and I’ll learn something I don’t know because I chose a specialty.

 

I think I need to improve myself in ways I never ever considered.

 

This is the first time in my life that I’ve felt so inferior and unhappy with my life that it’s triggered a driving force in me. My hands moved steadily while I filled out the application; almost like I was an accomplished pianist. My mind wobbled and shook as I tore the information I needed from its death grip.

 

It’s time to dig myself out of career hell and find direction. Find security. Stability. Earn respect. And nobody will ever make me feel like that again.

 

I’ll also be able to move much more freely within the states. And I’m going to leave this area when I’m done because there’s nothing left for me here. I despair over it. It’s time to move on.

 

I commit to three things for the new year (all of equal priority, though the list is numbered):

 

1. Health and fitness.

2. No men. Period.

3. College.

 

Cheers to an expensive 2018.

Edited January 26, 2018 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

Out in the green wheat fields, I found myself asleep under the bright sun.

 

 

In my dreams, there he was…again, laughing and enjoying my company. There we were, kissing, talking, and doing things together. It was so vivid that I could barely stand to dream at all. A range of emotions flooded my sleeping soul: hurt that he had left, self-hatred, acceptance of the fact that I’d have to move on, and then…pure bliss that he was back. Someone I cared about…I didn’t have to let him go.

 

 

And he kisses me awake.

 

 

 

The sun blinds me and for a moment I don’t know where I am. Everything is alive. Cherry blossom trees line the field nearby. Butterflies glide from one strand of wheat to the other. I sit up to look around and notice that my once golden gown has started to turn a very interesting shade of brownish red; a glimmering burgundy color.

 

 

I stood up, expecting my hair to tumble down to my knees, but it was gone. I reached up to feel around for it and it had been cut into a shoulder-length bob, slightly curled, lightly highlighted. Turning around slowly where I stood, I noticed darkness bordering the far edge of the vast field, with clouds moving in my direction. They moved too fast, as if life was trying to fast-forward, consuming the sky and blocking out the sun. The wind picked up and everything swayed with it.

 

 

I closed my eyes for a second and felt his hand on my back and his breath on my neck.

 

 

I opened them. The darkness was too dense and it approached me quickly. Birds flew over me, trying to escape it. I ran in the direction it was coming from. I didn’t know what was in there, what secrets it held, or if I should even be afraid of it. One foot in front of the other, dress dramatically blowing in the wind, I moved. I leapt.

 

 

 

Tears filled my eyes and my heart raced. Still, I went towards the darkness. My foot met with the edge of it and then I could barely see anything, except for a giant cliff that I was running straight for. I didn’t slow down, no, the thought never crossed my mind. I spread my arms open without hesitation. My toes felt moss growing on the last rock, earthy and cool, moving and giving against the weight of my body.

 

 

 

I closed my eyes once more and the last 5 months of my life flashed by. Immense happiness mixed with pain…loving feelings blended with fear…feeling exposed and being okay with it…his face close to mine…

 

 

And like a swan, breath steady, I dove off the cliff. I fell further and further into the gorge and as I did, the gown began to change again as it trailed behind me. A shimmering nude pink. Butterflies filled my stomach the faster I fell. There wasn’t any fear left because I had faced what kept me afraid.

 

 

Water was at the end of the gorge. Black and syrupy, the slight ripples catching light as if there were shards of glass dancing around on its surface. And I hit it. Hard.

 

 

The black water enveloped my body and I lost consciousness soon after, leaving all trace of thought behind.

[LostInTheWild]

I’m going to keep this one short and sweet.

 

I fell in love with him.

 

I told him that this past weekend. He reciprocated as we stood in his kitchen. He leaned over and kissed me gently.

 

I don’t remember ever feeling like that before.

 

He’s met my parents. He’s met my cousin. I’ve met his friends and have joined the circle.

 

I’m hoping it works. My anxiety is all but gone.

 

I can’t remember being this happy and accepted before. I can’t wait to cook dinner with him tomorrow, laughing with him, kissing him.

 

I guess I’ll pop in to update from time-to-time. It could be sooner rather than later or later rather than sooner. Life has been so unpredictable for me. I just kind of finally feel safe now. Safe enough to stop writing for awhile.

 

Here’s to hoping we get it right this time.

[LostInTheWild]

It’s been too long! I was so upset that there were so many things I wanted to write about but couldn’t!!! But today I checked the website and here it is. I’m here, you’re here, we’re all here so let’s get to it then.

 

I walked in and sat my purse down on the table in the kitchen. I looked around briefly. And then I heard his voice calling me from the bedroom. He walked out to greet me, tall and confident. I reached up to kiss him and he leaned down to meet me.

 

In the last couple of months, we have been on quite a ride. We have traveled together a couple of times. We have made plans for more fruitful endeavors. We have truly become an “us.”

 

I frequently wonder which direction this will go in. I wonder how long we can ride the high. I look back over this time, last year, around my birthday when I sat in my car crying on my 30th birthday feeling like nobody would ever care about me again. I compare that moment to my 31st birthday when I received a gift from my love who wrapped his arms around me and told me he loves me.

 

I look back to the start of my thread I started at 26, flustered and crying and confused. And the years leading up to today. And the anguish, despair, and turmoil that haunted me. I don’t feel sad anymore. It’s not that I needed someone in my life. I needed to know that I’m worth loving again. I’m worth being excited about. I mean something to someone. I can build a future with someone instead of planning to spend my life alone.

 

I don’t know. Actually, I do know. I needed to figure out that it’s okay to open up to someone again instead of hiding behind a mask I wore. It’s okay to speak up when something is bothering me. It’s okay to be myself and someone loves me for it. If this goes the distance, I have to say that I’ve learned a lot. If it ends, I’ve still learned more than I could have ever hoped for.

 

I recently met his parents who came from out-of-state for a visit. His family is rich in love and education. They were delightful to be around. I was having a panic attack the day I was to dine with them but it turns out, they like me. They think their son is really happy. And I am too.

 

It’s all positive right now. All of it. It feels like the roller coaster is stopped at the top of the hill right before the drop. And when it starts again, there will only be the sweet sensation of butterflies clouding my belly and love filling my mind, heart racing.

 

Life feels precious again. Every moment, I can savor. Every laugh, I get to indulge in. I know what joy feels like now. I know what it feels like to feel safe and secure.

 

After so many years of living in uncertainty and not knowing what will happen to me next, this really feels like a clean breath of fresh air. I’m back in school, still working, still hoping the future is just as bright as yesterday was.

 

Hope. It has returned.

 

Cheers to many more laughs with my best friend who loves to cook and travel. Thank you for kissing me while I cried on our flight, for chasing the bugs away while we camped, and the massages that helped my back feel better. I love you for appreciating the time I take to look nice for you, for putting up with my

horrible singing, and for eating the terrible food I make sometimes. Words can’t describe how much I appreciate the wonderful things you do and how you support me in so many ways. You even teach me not to doubt myself so much. There isn’t anyone else like you and that’s why I’m with you.

[CrazyKatLady]

I am sorry you are feeling and going through all this right now. I wasted five years on a man too, one who would introduce people to me as strangers when they were his dealer friends, and so much more--i had bikers, gangsters, dealers, murderers, identity thieves, pedophiles, (no offense) etc. in my home at all times, and had no idea...huh...makes you wonder if science can't mentally diagnose these idiots...but, it is not fun when they just stop caring and walk away...i hope you don't make the same mistake I did and let him back...stay strong, I hope you heal soon.

[DontBreakEven]

It’s been too long! I was so upset that there were so many things I wanted to write about but couldn’t!!! But today I checked the website and here it is. I’m here, you’re here, we’re all here so let’s get to it then.

 

I walked in and sat my purse down on the table in the kitchen. I looked around briefly. And then I heard his voice calling me from the bedroom. He walked out to greet me, tall and confident. I reached up to kiss him and he leaned down to meet me.

 

In the last couple of months, we have been on quite a ride. We have traveled together a couple of times. We have made plans for more fruitful endeavors. We have truly become an “us.”

 

I frequently wonder which direction this will go in. I wonder how long we can ride the high. I look back over this time, last year, around my birthday when I sat in my car crying on my 30th birthday feeling like nobody would ever care about me again. I compare that moment to my 31st birthday when I received a gift from my love who wrapped his arms around me and told me he loves me.

 

I look back to the start of my thread I started at 26, flustered and crying and confused. And the years leading up to today. And the anguish, despair, and turmoil that haunted me. I don’t feel sad anymore. It’s not that I needed someone in my life. I needed to know that I’m worth loving again. I’m worth being excited about. I mean something to someone. I can build a future with someone instead of planning to spend my life alone.

 

I don’t know. Actually, I do know. I needed to figure out that it’s okay to open up to someone again instead of hiding behind a mask I wore. It’s okay to speak up when something is bothering me. It’s okay to be myself and someone loves me for it. If this goes the distance, I have to say that I’ve learned a lot. If it ends, I’ve still learned more than I could have ever hoped for.

 

I recently met his parents who came from out-of-state for a visit. His family is rich in love and education. They were delightful to be around. I was having a panic attack the day I was to dine with them but it turns out, they like me. They think their son is really happy. And I am too.

 

It’s all positive right now. All of it. It feels like the roller coaster is stopped at the top of the hill right before the drop. And when it starts again, there will only be the sweet sensation of butterflies clouding my belly and love filling my mind, heart racing.

 

Life feels precious again. Every moment, I can savor. Every laugh, I get to indulge in. I know what joy feels like now. I know what it feels like to feel safe and secure.

 

After so many years of living in uncertainty and not knowing what will happen to me next, this really feels like a clean breath of fresh air. I’m back in school, still working, still hoping the future is just as bright as yesterday was.

 

Hope. It has returned.

 

Cheers to many more laughs with my best friend who loves to cook and travel. Thank you for kissing me while I cried on our flight, for chasing the bugs away while we camped, and the massages that helped my back feel better. I love you for appreciating the time I take to look nice for you, for putting up with my

horrible singing, and for eating the terrible food I make sometimes. Words can’t describe how much I appreciate the wonderful things you do and how you support me in so many ways. You even teach me not to doubt myself so much. There isn’t anyone else like you and that’s why I’m with you.

 

I'm so glad you checked the site again. Your thread was the one main reason I was devastated to have the site go. You should download your thread, just in case. For you to reflect on if you ever need it.

 

I'm so happy to hear things are still going so well for you! It really gives me hope

[LostInTheWild]

Next Friday will signal the beginning of a weekend celebration. I guess six months of being with him is a big deal. It feels like a milestone. A fancy dinner, a couple’s massage, cooking, sleeping, relaxing. I’m really looking forward to it. It’s been years since I’ve personally had such an accomplishment. We made it further than I could imagine.

 

The future doesn’t look as scary to me as it once did. Being in a relationship has dug up those dreams I buried long ago and walked away from. I had turned my back on having a future with anyone and accepted that this life was only meant for me. I was the only person I had to worry about. It’s strange to see myself in my mind’s eye, walking down a dirt road, not seeing anything in the vast expanse ahead. Just a road. I’m totally alone, walking away from a lavish garden, a beautiful home, and the future I thought existed there.

 

And as I make it miles away, if I turn back, I can’t see it anymore. All I see is heat radiating from the ground I came from. But then, I hear someone calling my name. I can’t see them. I know where the voice is coming from. My abandoned dreams. So, slowly, I inch my way back. I start believing again. I start hoping that once I get back there, it’ll be different this time.

 

The future is the direction I’m facing in. Still unknown. Still up in the air. Still cloudy. I don’t know what the goal is. I just have to make it back and so I start to run towards it.

[LostInTheWild]

But not for the reason you may think.

 

I am still with the same man I spoke about.

 

I just didn't want anyone to start this thread and not have any closure. Well, there isn't any closure really. There aren't any magical thoughts anymore. I hardly daydream these days. I hardly have much to say anymore except for: life does continue on. The curse moves in different ways. Life pushes forward and finds ways to surprise you. But oh, no...no please, dear reader, do not think I would leave you hanging unless death fell upon my doorstep.

 

I have made love once again in the purist form. I have shared farts. I have laughed until I cried. I have pondered suicide and murder. I have not needed these things. I have "conquered" my fear of flying. I have flown over that and still fear it. I am funnier. I am happier. There is hope.

 

I discuss my drinking...that is not so good. I discuss my work. That is also not so good. I discuss school. That is okay. We discuss moving, which I feel at peace with. We talk about moving to another area; I am happy with that. We talk about moving on with each other. I am okay with that. We talk about marriage. Good. We are on track.

 

I am 32, almost 33 years old. There is hope. And hope doesn't always come in the form you'd like it to. The beauty is that the hope is....tangible. It was real and unexpected. And I fear that he might evaporate like the happiness I have achieved. I love this soul.

 

It took me a long time guys, and I've missed you but I couldn't leave you empty-handed. We are happy minus the real life and I think he will marry me I know I would marry him; such a man, so broken as I. Only I did not know how broken I was.

 

His touch makes my skin tingle. He is not here now due to his own familial tragedy but this is the person for me. And I hope he knows this no matter where he is; he is loved for the wholesome person he didn't know he was and for the magnificent creature he turned out to be.

 

I wish I could go on but it no longer exists. I hope he does not leave me. I hope one day to bear his last name. I hope he loves me the same. Hell, I know he does. He is the best person I know. In this world. On this planet.

 

And I did not mean to sound poorly here; we are getting married.

Edited October 19, 2019 by LostInTheWild

[spiritedaway2003]

And I did not mean to sound poorly here; we are getting married.

 

Congratulations. I love your update and I love your writing. And more than anything, I love this ending, or rather, beginning. Hope springs eternal. I wish you all the best.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

So, so happy for you! Not just for getting married but in finding your hope again.

[divegrl]

Hi!

 

Thank you so much for updating! I read your thread.... years ago... in my deepest darkest days!

 

Notice how in the post right before you met this guy, you had sworn off men? It always seem to happen like this. When we realize that we are truly joyful and at peace on our own, the right person comes along!

 

Sending love and hugs my friend.