Lost In The Wild

[LostInTheWild]

Today was the worst day I've had since I finally got through the first couple of months without my ex.

 

I thought of myself last night, running through the woods, scared and alone. Tears streaming down my face as I could not find the way out. Confusion all around me. I wore a long, white, tattered dress. It is too cool outside for this attire and I know this; I just can't stop running. The cool air is drowning my windpipe; long branches block my path. I turn to run in another direction only to find the same. I can't breathe.

 

There is a pain, a nauseousness, and burning feeling inside the pit of my stomach. Reality overcomes me. I am looking at his facebook profile picture. Pins and needles tickle the outermost surface of my skin. For the first time since the night he left, I felt the longing for him. The hunger. And more pain. Everywhere; all over my body. I quickly click out of it.

 

I don't even know how to feel about this. Why did I bother looking anyway? I was curious, no doubt, and I have been for a few weeks. The feeling that I got when I thought I would see him pushed me over the edge, I believe. But this leaves me with nothing but questions to ponder, am I THIS connected to him? Does my "spidey sense" tingle when something happens to him? With NO ONE else has this happened in my entire life. I never felt the urge to look, to know, and wonder with any ex of mine.

 

We have known each other for 10 years now. Intermittently, something would always make us talk again, by force or by nature. No matter what he has done to me, I would always pick right up where I left off with him. I'd hate him, then I'd love him. Passionately. I'd dream about him. I could smell him for years even if we weren't talking. Something would ALWAYS remind me of him. And if I ever walked by someone who smelled like him, I wouldn't be able to stop searching for him. I wanted to love him. And I wanted him to love me. I don't know how true that is now.

 

In his picture, he was with someone. And he looked like he was in love with her. The feeling that I felt is indescribable. I think it's mostly guilt for just looking into his world, as an outsider, and not knowing who I was looking at. Fear. Fear that he had forgotten about me. Hatred. Hatred for the fact that he is happily moving on and I'm here. Alone. Alone with psycho stalkers and booger-eaters. Loneliness. Loneliness that is unfathomable. Lost. Lost in the wild to fend for myself. No one to hold me. No one to love me. And what's worse, I don't think I'll ever feel that way again. I don't think I'll truly ever love anyone again.

 

Today was hard knowing what I know now. Knowing that I'm stuck here in limbo where I can't meet a single, decent, eligible bachelor. Knowing that all of my friends except for one has surpassed me in all areas. I have my job. And school. Nothing tangible. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that today I felt sorry for myself. I felt confused. And I second-guessed my life. I was content! What happened to me? WHY can't I just let this go?

 

I looked down at my papers at work with a frown. Tears flooded my eyes and I blinked the first tears I have cried for him in a very long time. I spoke to my friend about this and she did console me.

 

Good for him. I hope he treats her better than he treated me. Time to move on and keep it rolling. I don't miss him. But the connection I seem to have really does.

Edited March 7, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

Last night, it all boiled over for me. I panicked. I was driving when tears began pouring down my face. I had a couple of drinks. I admit that.

 

Moving on...what does that even mean? I kept wondering. What does this mean? Why is this happening? Why do I feel this way? Why, why, why did my life fall apart? Why am I not allowed happiness? Why is it that every time I think I have moved on, I have this feeling in my stomach that says, "Just glance back. Just look and see what you find. It's better to know."

 

I had a panic attack. I pulled over before reaching my parent's house. In a quick flurry, I pulled out my phone to contact the one person who knew...me. Me, in all of my non-made-up, cranky-in-the-morning, hair-matted, cigarette-puffing, insecure glory. Me. He knew me.

 

Deep breath...click, click, click. There's my paragraph I'm sending. SEND. SEND IT NOW. The message is delivered. Wait. Just breathe. Just wait. Pull onto the road. Go see mom and dad. Don't even look at your phone.

 

I pulled up to my parent's house. Their lights were on and tears were streaming down my face. I cupped my head in my hands. I screamed quietly.

The phone has lit up! Who is it? It's him! He responded. What do I do? Uhh...Okay, read it.

 

I squeezed my phone like it was going to run away and quickly blinked through my tears. He was greeting me. Asking me how I've been and telling me he has been good too.

 

I-m-i-s-s-y-o-u. Click, click, click. No holding back now. I-t

-'-s-h-a-r-d-m-e-e-t-i-n-g-s-o-m-e-o-n-e-n-o-r-m-a-l. Click, click, click. SEND. Gasp, cry, gasp.

 

I put the phone down and went inside to see my parents. I couldn't stay long because had to attend belly dance lessons.

 

Hug. Run to the car. Grab dog. Hurry. Look at the phone. Another text! "I miss you all!"

 

I should have stopped right there. But what I did was far worse. I asked him if he'd be interested in taking up tennis because I was looking into it. I was serious. I will look into it. He said he's usually around. Cool.

 

This morning, I regretted it. I broke even more rules and sent that apology text with the most confidence I've ever had. I had no business being in his business. Then he tells me he understands if I don't want to talk to him, that he still looks at my pictures he has and he thinks he should move on, delete them, but he doesn't want to. He told me he knew that he had ruined any trust I could ever have in him and he has come to terms with that.

 

I responded and told him I loved and cared about him. I never thought being friends was an option. I still have his pictures and I won't delete them -- they aren't preventing me from moving on.

 

He responded telling me he feels the same way (love and care), and that he wants to be loved by someone the way I loved him. He had to get all the bad out of his life and he lives in our relationship's shadow.

 

I guess he's learned a lot. At my expense (he made it sound like that). And he said he feels mature enough to be able to handle a friendship.

 

I realized when he said this that he does have a girlfriend. It just wasn't confirmed. So I said, "Hope she does love you that way," and I sent him a funny video and bid him adieu. Then he texted me that he saw my cousin and her newborn baby. I ignored it.

 

I ignored this text for several reasons. One, I cannot be his secret "friend." Based on his history, if he's the same guy (I'm betting he is) he won't tell her about me contacting him. Two, he is still visiting my family. I'm mad at my family, but I'm mad at him too. Three, this is going to be an extremely crappy friendship (I know this, and I'm sure he does too).

 

Part of me wants him back. Part of me hates him. Part of me loves him with every fiber of my being. And part of me wishes him well, while the conflicting devil sitting on my shoulder wishes him hell.

 

I miss him, I do. I can't deny it now! I don't know what on earth I was thinking but I did it. I got my cry out and now I'm going to run for the hills as fast as I can. And I'm going to hide. I will lick my wounds and try to reemerge as a stronger woman. I have learned. I have cried all day, but I have learned.

 

I called our mutual friend. She confirmed he has been in a relationship for about a month now. I told her I'm happy for him but I'm upset. She told me she met this woman, and she seems nice but she likes me more (great friend -- I know how to pick 'em). I told her I love her more for that and thanked her.

 

I felt empty hanging up the phone. The blood in my body must have stopped for 5 minutes. I was buying my dad a birthday present. I could have fainted over the self-checkout station. I swallowed hard.

 

I'm not in control of anything. Life will happen whether I'm present or not. I keep daydreaming that I'm standing up straight, reaching out for something. I'm alone. I touch a mirror and my hand goes through it. On the other side, I can feel it -- it is just as empty as I thought it would be. I pull my hand back, and I try again. Searching. Hoping to pull myself out of the hopeless, emptiness.

[LostInTheWild]

All hell broke loose, on my account, on this very day. By far, today has been the most stressful, traumatizing event I've lived through since the abuse. And man, I couldn't control my feelings. I was so mad -- I tried to work so hard, but nothing I did mattered. Nothing removed the anger and sadness I felt so strongly. I could have faced death three times and I wouldn't have flinched or felt any danger.

 

A vision came to me, earlier this week. A bright idea. I will make a facebook page and put up the most awesome picture anyone who has known me has ever seen. The goal here is to get him to see this and regret everything he has ever done. This is going to be used as a multipurpose tool. One, I will be getting revenge in one way or another. I may never know, but having said awesome picture up long enough will surely get it seen by the targeted audience. It may seem immature, really, and I know it kind of is. But this is what will make me feel better. This is something nobody can take away from me. Two, using this tool will help me reconnect with old friends and expand my base into the further. I will have more friends and contacts which will equal networking (which I so desperately need).

 

Why? Well, this morning I had another "bright" idea -- and "bright" is meant to be sarcastic, but it also has purpose and meaning. I'm GLAD I know what I know now. I may feel these feelings now, but at least I know. So "bright" is actually bright -- if that makes sense.

 

I texted my cousin and asked her if she has been hanging out with my ex. She confirmed this and offered a brief explanation. Although we haven't really communicated in over a year, meaningful communication that is, I felt the need to ask her how she honestly views our relationship. Then she flipped out on me, lashing at me with all her might -- telling me how I ruined her wedding. I knew she would do this. And I still don't feel like I did anything wrong. Long story short, she is mad because I didn't get ready with the bridesmaids (I explained to her that I had a lot of makeup to move around and I didn't really want to drag it over there at the time), I apparently lied about shutting my phone off (I told her I was getting a cell phone and to email me, but somehow that was a lie when someone called my phone and nobody answered -- however, I do remember having to call the provider several times to cancel it), and so on. I did so many things wrong. The problem with her story is that she got her information from other sources instead of talking to me about it first. I would have told her (in fact, I explained everything as it was happening).

 

Anyway, I'm the bad guy today. When I was in the middle of texting her, I get a text from a familiar number. From HIM: "Is everything okay?" She texted him asking him what she should tell me about them hanging out. THIS IS WHY he needs to get out of my family. She went on to say he's a great person and a great friend. Even though she knows the things he's done which I will not spell out on this website. Things he could have spent years in jail for. That, a great person, does make. Great friend? No doubt. But she knows how he mistreated me.

 

Between her flipping out, I explained things to her. She told me to just come out and ask her for the 411 on my ex instead of pretending to care about her and her child. I already have the 411. I CAN'T AVOID THE 411 IF I WANT TO KEEP MY FRIENDSHIPS WITH OUR MUTUAL FRIENDS. So I told her that is not why I texted her and that I do care about her and her child -- but the issue is he's already met my little cousin and I HAVEN'T. Isn't there something wrong with that?! Apparently, it isn't "impossible" to rebuild trust and friendship with her. She said that after I asked her. Then she said she had to go. Okay.

 

Just. Great. I was fine with her flipping out and saying hurtful things -- she's mad and she's held a grudge this long (I have too -- because she was just as mean and hurtful over a year ago). And I fully expected her to be downright evil to me when I texted her this. I mean, come on, all of a sudden I come out of the blue with these questions...I'll explain that later.

 

What takes the cake in this situation is how HE reacted. He was very passive about it but he was patronizing and SELFISH. He asked me if I thought he was crossing any boundaries...but in the same sentence expressed that they're his friends, too. And he schooled me on how to get her friendship back. He stated she would be "reasonable" with me and said to just talk to her. He told me they don't talk about me because they know he doesn't want to -- but how does he know she would be reasonable with me? How she doesn't hold grudges against me?

 

Yeah. Okay.

 

What I said didn't seem to phase him. I said, "Yes, they are my family (yes, as in you are crossing boundaries). You above anyone else should have known that this would hurt me. We became distant, but how can I return to her now?"

 

Then he went on about how they see him as any other person and a great friend. He does things for them when they need help -- just like he has always been. And that I, too, could build a friendship and pick up right where I left off if I just talk to her. AND we are still friends with our mutual friends! That hasn't affected anything, he pointed out. Yeah, actually, it has. Thank god there is only two of them and they're married.

 

I ended it with a quick, "It's okay. I have it worked out. Thank you for your concern."

 

A few hours passed. Then it sank in. Oh, and it made a lot of sense. There will be no making up with my cousin again -- that is now out of the question. She knows she is wrong (she contacted him shortly after our breakup). That's why she texted him when I texted her.

 

My cousin can be quite diabolical in her plans. She is smart, and she knows how to cut to the core. I'll give her this one and it's the last "concede" she will get from me. She did this on purpose, knowing I would eventually find out, only to hurt me. Perfect.

 

His reasoning, on the other hand, is still unclear to me. Maybe he really likes their companionship? My thought process tells me his reasoning lies within the simple fact he gets to rub it in. The few times we have talked, he has brought them up. Cool.

 

My reasoning for even contacting her in the first place is that I have yet to meet my family member, while she entertains my ex. Jealousy? Maybe it is. It's not wrong to feel these emotions. He is exiled from my family. Not me. But apparently I'm exiled from hers. I was hoping that she would be more sympathetic towards me this time and understand that I love her with all my heart. I was hoping that she would see how difficult it would be for me to ever have a meaningful relationship with her again. And now I can't because I will always wonder if what I tell her will make it to the other side of the fence. This is the reason why it's hard to have mutual friends. This is what I wanted to avoid with my family.

 

So I'll leave it there to fester in their lives. They will move on from it, no doubt, without even glancing back. And I will forget it, too. I disown her completely. She betrayed me. This is worse than wrecking a wedding (which still turned out beautifully, despite me not getting ready with the bridesmaids). And he will never have the chance to talk to me again. That is what I meant when I said I have it worked out.

 

With these feelings that I felt, I had to see a therapist. I felt crazy and unsure of myself. Maybe I am a little bit crazy -- or maybe I'm hella crazy. I just know that now I won't ever be sorry again. I will be watchful of the people I surround myself with and be certain that this situation will never happen in the course of the rest of my lifetime.

 

The therapist confirmed things I had thought and others within my circle had thought. He isn't telling his girlfriend about me. He hasn't actually changed. My cousin wanted to hurt me by doing this (and succeeded to the point beyond reconciliation -- I don't need friends like this because I can do bad all by myself). He wants to hold on to me by either rubbing it in my face, keeping tabs on me (which I doubt), and/or he doesn't have family and seeks comfort in mine. They aren't my friends. They just aren't. He is selfish by hanging on. Et cetera...

 

I guess the therapist is paid to be on my side, but even our mutual friend said he should leave my family alone. I should even leave it alone -- I should have left it alone to begin with, but I'm so inquisitive. I have to know things. I have to know how humans work and think and feel. I have to learn. Ah, well, my therapist also left me with words of wisdom I've long forgotten: the best revenge is living well. And now it's doubly so. I will show them and then I will move on (yet again). Completely.

 

Time to start over...(a personal "thank you" to myself).

[LostInTheWild]

Okay, I know I move on pretty fast. The past is the past and it's where it should stay.

 

So I went on a date yesterday with a guy who emailed me earlier this week with a bunch of jokes that I liked. It was adorable, so I gave him my number and we texted late into the evening. Then he asked me for this date which was yesterday. Oh my...

 

The date rolls around and I got all dolled up. I waited for him to arrive at the restaurant since I was early. I was in the bathroom fussing over my appearance and I get a text saying he's arrived. I got a chance to check him out before he saw me. I thought, "Wow, he's the best looking one out of all my dates, this must be a dream."

 

He finally gets escorted to our table and I just can't stop staring at him. We talked and the chemistry, for me, was off the charts. Wow. WOW. I knew I liked him. He sort of looks like Ryan Gosling. I don't have a problem with that AT ALL.

 

So, the people who worked at the restaurant were trying to kick us out and the date CLEARLY was not over so we went to have some drinks. He paid for everything, which I like. He looked at me as if I were the only person in the room. It's been a long time since someone has looked at me that way. It's like...wow... I just kept leaning in closer to hear what he was saying because he was so softly spoken. And he asked me for a second date, too. This should take place on Wednesday. I'm so excited to see him again. And of course, we kept chatting until 2 beers in I was slurring my speech (because of me being tired and having a couple of drinks beforehand).

 

He had driven me there, so he drove me back to my car. As I was getting out, he said, "Wait a second!" And quickly leaned in for a kiss. OMG... It was just a nice, slow tap kiss. But then, when I reached for the handle again, "Wait!" And he quickly leaned in again for another kiss I will not ever forget. French... WOW...

 

I liked that he bossed me into giving him those kisses. I hope I get another chance to do that again. He was well-dressed and is passionate about his job. Sigh...

 

I thought I'd never meet someone that made me feel things again. I feel it. I just hope he does too. I want him to chase me. I want to feel those feelings again. I just don't want to lose myself. But damn, I really, really like this one. It's not like the others I have gushed about on here. I really have a feeling. I just hope he doesn't prove me wrong.

[LostInTheWild]

So, the weekend passed with no word from him and that's fine -- I told him about the creeper that wouldn't stop texting me and he had told me previously that that won't be a problem for him because he's so busy. I kind of like his aloofness as I am the same way.

 

I had a blast this weekend. I finally got out of the house with some friends and wound up dancing at a bar. Gave out my phone number to the men who asked for it, but I don't even remember who these people are that texted me. It was hilarious. I even wound up going to an after party at some random stranger's house (with my friend in tow to be safe). And we had fun hanging out and meeting new people. It has been ages since I've done that. I lost control for one evening. For one evening I got a chance to forget about who I was and reach out. All of my problems melted away. I was just the girl who was happy. The one that liked to dance. The one who likes to socialize.

 

So, back to my date. He did something to me, I swear. I could not get him off of my mind. Not on Friday. Not on Saturday. Not on Sunday (the worst). And not today. I looked at my phone each day. Nothing. A sadness swept over me as I wanted so badly to talk to him. I do not know why I felt this way.

 

This guy has such a calm nature with aggressive currents flowing beneath the hidden surface. I do mean sexually aggressive, and to me, that is a huge turn-on. But he also seems to be assertive, possibly a born leader, and I know people reading this expect me to say that I'd follow him to the ends of the earth. Not true . Come on, what do I look like?

 

Okay, enough with the gushing about someone I've only met ONCE. The point I'm getting at is he did text me and he did call me today. I am calm, cool, and collected about this despite what my posting here, this evening, might reveal. I know that I don't want to rush into anything with him, but I just have this feeling. This strange feeling that even if it is just a fling, he will teach me something. This strange feeling that makes me want to open my windows and doors and let the old ghosts out. This feeling that makes me feel desperate to know him better, hold him closer, and breathe him in. This is new to me. I felt my heart jump start when I saw him that day. I feel more alive (albeit a bit exhausted). I have been a zombie, lost in my own world, lost in my own thoughts. Just. Lost.

 

So when he texted me today, my initial reaction was what I expected in this game we are playing. I am letting him pursue me. He wants a challenge and I will lay down my pride and give it to him. I got excited. I couldn't wait to text him back, but I DID! When I did, he fired one right back asking me how my weekend was and even remembered that I told him about the photo shoot. I sent him some good ones we got and he thought they were sexy (this worries me -- "sexy" might mean he just wants to...). Either way, it's nice to have someone interested and not be smothering.

 

Then he asked if he could call me and I stood around in the mall laughing and talking to him. We talked about our plans on Wednesday. He wants to pick me up instead of having me drive to meet him. I will gladly let him do this, but I know I must keep myself in check. Challenge him. I am a prize that he must win. The only problem is I hope I can resist him if he makes any advances, but I tell myself that if he is persistent, then he is not a true gentleman and only wants one thing. If I can get out his car and feel respected, then I will know whether or not he is serious.

 

You know, it was so cute to hear him telling himself (after telling me I'm sexy), "Just get to know her first." This must be a real battle for him. And I can't lie, it will definitely be fun toying with such an "aggressive" man. Not teasing, but always within an arm's reach, not quite being able to be captured. He treats me like a lady now, but I'll know more in a couple of days.

 

One thing that concerns me is the problems I've been experiencing with these other men: the first date or two I'm sort of liking them, but then I just lose all interest and feel a deep-seated need to push them away and move on. I'm afraid this time I won't be as attracted to him. I'm terrified he won't like me. I'm scared that I'm just getting my hopes up again. And I fear that I won't feel these feelings again. Time will tell, I suppose.

 

This just seems different from the rest, though. I can't figure this out.

 

I want him.

[LostInTheWild]

Well, he planned something for us to do on our second date. I guessed what it was: pottery. I was surprised and excited. I think he was a little pissed because I figured it out, so I just told him I'm good at guessing and to never tell me what he will plan again.

 

He had called to ask if he could pick me up and I agreed to it. I sweated the days out wanting to cling to him. I don't know why but I just couldn't stop thinking about him. I wanted to be in his presence and to just be near him. I don't understand it. I haven't craved attention like this in ages. I haven't felt desire like this in forever. Passion. Lust. Everything all at once. All of my senses were exposed and I was brought to my knees.

 

So, the date finally arrived and it was damn near unbearable to wait...

 

He pulled up and I met him outside. I hopped in the car. I could smell him and I salivated. He reached behind his seat and pulled out some snacks...some chips and carrots (that I requested jokingly) along with some hummus. I started gnawing on the carrots and hummus and eventually wound up feeding him while he drove us to our destination.

 

We laughed and talked. He seemed so confident. When he finally parked, he leaned in and kissed me. This was unexpected and how I felt was unexplainable. I could feel something again. Right down to my toes.

 

We went inside. I picked a vase to paint and he picked a Hulk head. LOL. I picked up the vase and said, "I'll get this one so I can put the flowers in it that you get for me." He asked, "What kind of flowers do you like?" Ahhhhhh.... "Anything that's pretty and not dead."

 

We picked our colors and before we began painting I pulled out a hoodie to protect my clothing and tied the hood to my head because I had told him I was going to do this unibomber-style. And I did. He laughed and said, "That is so cute."

 

We finished up and they have to bake the pieces. They'll be ready to pick up on Wednesday . He said, "I wanted this to happen so I can see you again." So smooth...

 

So, the evening progressed and we went to grab a bite to eat. We wound up having some drinks, eating, talking, kissing, etc. I was very flirty...looking back on it I probably should have been more aloof but I just couldn't help it with all the smiling and laughing I was doing. He said this date was better than the last. I was so drawn to him...There was nothing else like it. I felt that it was right. I knew that night I would fall for him and nothing could break my fall.

 

So, I had previously been telling myself that if I got out of his car feeling like a lady then he wasn't just after sex. Well, this conversation came up (input is welcome here if you get to this point). He said the longer he waited to have sex with a couple of women (a month or so), well, it turned out to not be so great and they didn't last as a couple. I don't know if this is some kind of ploy or if he really feels this way. I mean, I believe him wholeheartedly (and I've never waited that long, which I never said so...kudos to him).

 

He let me pay for our dinner and we left. He drove me home and we were just listening to music...It was fun. Then he pulled up to drop me off and before I could say anything he kissed me so passionately and we made out for at least 20 minutes. No groping, no trying to take my clothes off, nothing like that. Just kissing passionately. I loved every second and if I could I would still be sitting in his car right now kissing him. He did admit that he wants to have sex with me (not at that moment), but I shrugged it off as a "man" thing. Of course he does! I do too!

 

The night had to come to a close, though, so I grabbed my things and reached for the handle to his car. He said, "Kiss me again." I obliged. I wanted to. I wanted him. I want him. And I felt like a lady getting out of his car. A lady wanting a man.

 

I never feel two years older than him. I never think about our age difference. I just know how he makes me feel. And I feel like crying now because I wish I could push him away. I wish I could give up on him. I wish I never went on a date with him or even gave him the time of day because I AM SMITTEN AND TAKEN AND ABSOLUTELY COULD FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT. Part of me tells me this is what he wants. He wants me to give in. He wants to sleep with me. Part of me is telling me to stay cool, don't give in, play the game, and you will see if you watch. Be suspicious.

 

Ugh, but I can't. This feels so right to me. I am so attracted to him and when I'm with him it's like we are the only two people in the room. I just want to crawl into bed and never get up again. I don't want to see the light of day. I don't want to give him the power to hurt me. I know he can now. I know I will hurt badly if I give in and he is not serious. A week from now or a month from now.

 

I feel sick. Everyone noticed this little smirk plastered on my face at work and I couldn't stop touching my lips. I could, despite showering, maybe from memory, still smell him. He texted me intermittently throughout the day. I forgot my carrots in his car...LOL.

 

My buddy told me when I meet the guy I will "know." Today, I told him, "I know." This is nothing like the others. And something makes me SO AFRAID he will break my heart. I can't stop worrying about it. But for now, I'll enjoy the feeling he has brought into my life, into my world, into my body.

 

If this is the real deal, I can see myself being with him. Shame on me.

 

But I'm so ready.

[LadyM]

It sounds like a most wonderful date!! So happy for you!

 

Whether he did or didn't wait to have sex with other women, he didn't make it as a couple with ANY of the women considering he's now single and available. He didn't have to use that line on you.

 

If you really feel he's the one, or certainly could be, it's in your best interest to delay sex for as long as possible. If he's serious about you, he'll wait. It's way too risky to have sex too soon with someone you really like.

 

Once those body fluids are exchanged, you'll be even more infatuated with him. First, make sure as best you can that he is worthy of your trust.

 

Ignore the raging hormones.

 

Protect yourself, protect your heart.

[LostInTheWild]

LadyM, thank you so much for reading my crap. It's nice to know if I ever need advice someone is at least wading through my walls of text and feelings.

 

I appreciate your advice and tonight will be our third date. I'm REALLY anticipating this one. I want to touch him and kiss him again. I know I shouldn't have sex with him until I know he is serious. That was a line he used...now that I think about it, but I'll ignore this as him being "honest" with me about how HE feels and see how treats me. Observe his actions.

 

I am such a mess over him. I took a half day off work just to shop and make sure that I'm ready to see him. I want my hair to be perfect, to smell good, to be sexy. I'm wearing jeans tonight...you know, the kind that wouldn't come off even if you had a pair of scissors. I thought, "PERFECT!" as I put them on. A deterrent for unplanned sexual activities and if they somehow make it off then I deserve what I get.

 

But anyway, more to come as long as he doesn't cancel. His work seems demanding so we shall see. If he has to cancel, oh well...I've got my six pack and a remote control. Tomorrow I can hang with my girl. *Attempts to play it cool.*

 

Thanks again, LadyM.

[LadyM]

You're so cute and funny!

 

Wishing you a GREAT time tonight!!

[LostInTheWild]

Thank you!!!

 

We are on for 8:30...

 

We are going to eat and then dancing!!! OMG, I don't know how to feel about this...

[LostInTheWild]

Well, last night was nothing short of amazing.

 

He picked me up again. I got in the car and he told me I smelled nice (mission accomplished for taking off work early). And as much as I wanted to lean in and kiss him, I didn't. I let him take the lead.

 

We headed to the restaurant and I told him about the bad news I'd just gotten about one of my cousins who got into a car accident and was in the hospital. We are distant, but I will go visit her soon.

 

He sympathized. We found some parking near the restaurant. He held doors open for me. When we got inside I just stood in front of him while we waited for our table and stared into his eyes deeply. I don't know why...just had to.

 

We ate and talked. He paid and we finished our drinks and talked some more. He told me stories of his estranged father. He told me about his mother. We talked about our past relationships a little bit. More about what he is looking for...more about what I'm NOT looking for. We even agreed to not have sex for a while and just try to get to know each other, which was refreshing and took a lot of pressure off of me. I want to and I know he does too, but I told him I just don't want to make out and get him worked up because it will make him mad...He said it wasn't a problem. AWESOME. I can have fun and maintain some integrity at the end of the night until I'm ready to take that step. It's nice to know he will be waiting for the right moment should it ever occur, too.

 

We left and he grabbed my hand while we walked to the car. Once in the car, we made out and from that point on I couldn't stop kissing him the entire evening. He told me I'm lucky because he doesn't usually express PDA...Haha...

 

When we started dancing I know I just showed him some moves I learned in my belly dance classes, kissed him, and got drunk. I told him several times that I really liked him. Go ME! Pour it all out there...so mysterious... It was a really great time. A guy even told him he was lucky to have me and shook his hand... Oh my...LOL.

 

We closed down the place and again made out in the car. He started telling me to call him more. I told him I didn't want him to think I was needy or something and he shrugged it off. He told me he's not trying to play any games with me. Time will tell I suppose. He has been texting me throughout the day today. Too bad I'm not really doing anything except writing here and sitting in my pajamas. I don't feel like doing anything.

 

Anyway we got back to my place and yep, you guessed it, made out yet again. Then he was off. We did not have sex which I am proud of myself for not giving into. He told me he wants to cook me dinner sometime...I'm excited about that. And I reminded him that we do still have to pick up that pottery. Well, he gets bonus points if he brings me flowers to put in my vase.

 

This was a very sexually-charged evening and I hope that's not what this surmounts to but it may very well happen. I kind of noticed that although I do still like him tons, my infatuation is waning and I'm getting my head out of the clouds to watch him more closely which is what I wanted. But now there's that fear again that I may just stop liking him. I don't know what's wrong with me.

 

One thing I do know: right now this feels right. I looked at a few posts of mine where I seem like I just KNEW nobody would capture my interest and I would be doomed to face these ugly pseudo-relationships that I keep finding myself in. Another thing I'm feeling is that maybe I'm pushing too hard...maybe I shouldn't bank on this...maybe I should keep dating as many guys as I can...don't settle...keep it moving...don't integrate him into my life...stop thinking about him...keep running...keep my guard up...don't let anyone ruin me again...

 

This is scary.

[LostInTheWild]

I thought about him a lot today. We texted each other through the night and he seemed pretty interested, and was obviously thinking of us seeing each other on Wednesday.

 

But now I'm starting to wonder...Is this going to work out the right way? I mean, we met through a dating site so is he dating other women? When is the right time to bring up taking the profiles down? The discussion of exclusivity? Should I wait for him to talk about these things before I become intimate with him? Or just bring them up myself?

 

Now, I'm starting to fear that the simple things you'd enjoy from meeting someone naturally comes easier than just meeting someone online. There seems to be a more natural progression of things rather than meeting someone who put up a profile. I think it's easier to trust someone you've been around before, rather than a complete stranger. Intentions are recognized sooner.

 

It never ceases to amaze me at how much I tend to over-analyze things like this but it drives me nuts not knowing how other people feel. I'm going to have to put on the brakes with this guy and fast. Not because I like him too much, but because I realized there is no level of trust that I have in him yet. I don't think I can trust him until we both are no longer marketing ourselves online.

 

I can't do it and I won't do it. I'm halfway ready to text him and call things off, take down my profile, and be an old maid. Screw it.

 

Maybe I'm ready to date, but maybe I'm not ready to really like someone. I will say it again: I am SO afraid of letting someone in. I want to keep my walls up. It's safer here in this part of the woods. Alone.

 

What will Wednesday bring...Sigh...

[LadyM]

It sounds like you had the most fabulous date!

 

I completely understand all your uncertainties about this new man in your life.

 

It's so hard. Dating and relationships are not for the faint of heart.

 

Keep us informed about Wednesday! (good luck/have fun!)

[LostInTheWild]

What did Wednesday bring?

 

I decided I'd let him come to my place after he went to pick up the pottery we had painted last week. As I've said before, I chose a vase and he chose a Hulk head. I was really looking forward to getting some flowers just because, you know? So, here is my account of what happened when he finally arrived.

 

I went downstairs to let him in. It was a freezing Spring day. The cold air attacked me as the door closed behind him. Excitement filled me when I saw him. I realized I couldn't wait any longer to see him. The anxiety had been gnawing at me the entire time.

 

I looked down at his hands. He was carrying a white rose. In the other hand, he had my vase with a few more roses in it and a bottle of wine. One was white; the other two were as close to orange as he could find (he remembered my favorite color and tried to find orange flowers). He handed me the single white rose and pulled me in so he could kiss me. We kissed for several seconds (it never seems to be long enough ). I pulled away and exclaimed, "FLOWERS!!!"

 

The man bought me flowers. THE MAN BOUGHT ME FLOWERS. I have never had someone treat me so nicely. Ever. And the way he smelled...I love that scent. In this moment I realized something: no matter what happens, as my therapist keeps trying to convince me, just live for the moment. Stop worrying about the future or I will never be present to live fully. Now.

 

I led him up the stairs and into my super-clean place. I had spent three days cleaning this place just for him. And there he stood. He was here. And I couldn't stand not being in his arms. He sat the vase down and held me, kissed me, pushed me down on my couch and we made out for a little while.

 

Once we got the initial phase out of the way, we started talking a little bit. He spoke, mostly, about his profession. I quietly listened and dreamed about what it would be like to kiss him again. I liked what I heard. I liked hearing his voice. Comforting. Reassuring. Present. With me. I liked the way he made me feel. I liked that I was still attracted to him. I liked that he made his way out here to see me again and ran store-to-store just to see my face light up with the simple gift of flowers in a vase we had gone to paint together. A lasting memory.

 

I could smell him. I wanted to be closer to him. I grabbed his hand and gave him a tour of my place. And I led him to my bed where we proceeded to make out even more. It got a little bit too close at some points and I just squealed, "We have to get Chinese! HAHA!"

 

We did this for over and hour when I finally got up and composed myself to drive to get the food. We arrived, ordered, and in the middle of the restaurant just began kissing again. We are like that sickening couple you wish would go die somewhere. I know it fades, but I want to enjoy it while it lasts. None of my exes were this affectionate with me and hey, it's been a long time since I've gotten attention from someone I actually wanted.

 

Got the food, brought it back (hey, I'm a go-getter/see that commercial?). We ate and talked, enjoyed some wine, and headed off back to the bedroom. We fooled around, but neither of us caved in. I really appreciate his self-control. Without it, I think this wouldn't be happening. And he whispered, "I like you. I really do."

 

He began to doze off...I laid on top of him and didn't want to get up. In that moment, I felt safe again. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to be with him. And I wished we didn't have to work anymore. I just wanted to stay there for a lifetime.

 

Today he asked me to call him so I did and we got into a lengthy conversation about past relationships. When he suddenly mentioned he had a date he asked if I was cool with it. At this point, I realized it was silly to hold onto past experiences. It's ridiculous to cling to someone. Nothing lasts no matter how badly we want it to and no matter how hard we try. Either heartache or death will surely follow. "That is perfectly fine. You aren't even mine so how could I expect you not to?"

 

"I just want you to know that I'm not dating anyone else. I was kidding. I really only date one woman at a time because I'm way to busy for all that. Today, in between the stress of my job, I want you to know that I thought about you. That's a good thing. I think about you a lot."

 

Hmm, well if I die tomorrow at least I'll feel liked. LOL! Okay, that was a joke, but wow...I think about him a lot too. I'd rather be kissing him than working at this point!

 

So, he had told me last night that he wanted to see me again. During the day. Saturday. But he wasn't sure because his mother was supposed to come and visit him. Long story short, instead of keeping plans with his friends on Friday night and seeing his mother on Saturday, he canceled Friday's plans to see his mother so that he can spend the day with me on Saturday.

 

He is so genuine. I could go on and on...but I have not one bad thing to say about him. I'm extending some trust his way and letting some of my guard down.

 

Sigh...

[LadyM]

My heart SANK when he said he has another date! But fully relieved in the next paragraph.

 

What a wonderful date! How lucky you are to be feeling those incredible feelings again.

 

Hope you have a great time on Saturday. Be strong!!

[LostInTheWild]

And here I am, sitting alone in the dark, staring at this pink screen, with music in the background. So much to be thankful for, so much to be happy about, and yet there is still a void inside of me. A void that is much like a sinkhole. Always popping up at inopportune times, hungry, and relentlessly stealing invaluable time, emotions, and memories.

 

I am calm today, but striving to make some changes for the betterment of my health. I'm going to try quitting smoking again and attempt to lose my winter coat at the same time. It's becoming impossible to hide the fact that I smoke since I've never really fessed up to having a relapse. It's becoming impossible to admit to myself and others that I've lost my ambition to continue with college and will be dropping these classes, hopefully returning in the fall, refreshed. It's becoming impossible to hide my failures and continue on not really knowing who I am all the while dating other people only to peer inside their lives for a few moments and see the things I wish I had. It's hard trying to complete myself. I keep thinking I'll find that piece of the puzzle if I do this, try this, and this, and this. Nothing ever fills that void. Nothing can fill this sinkhole.

 

Not even him.

 

I want to take a bath. A cleansing bath to wash away all the lies I've told people and have told myself. I want to plunge my head deep into the soapy water and hold my breath for a while, and scream, scream away all the lies that keep me grounded and let them go. Only to float away, myself.

 

I want to go up on the roof. I want to throw all of the pictures, gifts, cards, and pieces of my old life off of it and yell at the world. I want to scream at the top of my lungs in the pouring, cold rain. The lies...they are heavy now. And if I slipped, maybe that would be the only time I felt so light.

 

I want to go to a nearby bridge. I want to sit there on the rail, with the sunlight beaming on me. The warmth would be cleansing. The birds would be chirping. And if I just let go of the railing, maybe I could fly. Maybe I could feel something again that I could give to myself, rather than waiting for someone else to give this to me. My arms would spread open. I would feel alive for that moment. The water would be so beautiful. Sun-kissed and sparkling.

 

I want to scream, laugh, cry, yell, kick and scream again, "I AM HERE!" I am but a drop in the ocean, and of course, I don't expect anybody to know who I am because I conceal myself. I tell people only what I want them to know. I hide behind the door of my quiet apartment, behind my computer screen, behind my desk, behind the wheel of my car. Trying to blend in and never be seen. I want to wake up and be jolted to life again so badly that any feeling I get, I want to hold onto it.

 

Moments pass too quickly. Life moves too fast. Love doesn't last. And nothing develops unless you nurture it. I keep hearing my voice telling me, "Just give up." Nobody would notice it if I did. Nobody would notice if I were gone. Because nobody notices if I'm here.

 

Okay, just had to get my depression out of the way.

 

I saw him yesterday. I met him at his place and walked in. It was nice. He rents a room there. I mean, for a couple of guys living together it wasn't that bad.

 

We went to his bedroom and kissed for a while. We talked for a while, and then the moment of truth finally came. I hate to admit this, but we crossed that line. I allowed it because I felt ready and I trusted that he would be mature about it.

 

It was a wonderful feeling to be so close to someone I actually like. It didn't last long and I finally found out he has a problem...with his equipment...ahem, because of his medication he currently takes to manage a condition. He told me he is going off of it because he didn't realize that was what had caused it and his doctor just brushed it off.

 

This is not the first time I've encountered a man with a problem, luckily his is reversible, but I am amazed at how hard on themselves they are. Never ceases to amaze me. I reassured and reassured, so I guess we will see how that ends up.

 

Anyway, something strange happened...We went out to a local candy factory he hadn't been to before and had a great time. We went to eat and that was fun, too. Then we went to see a movie and that sucked so we left. I wound up sleeping beside him since we were both so tired from the day and the drinks we had. By nightfall, I was holding him and hugging him as if I were in love, but I wasn't. And I knew that if I never spoke to him again, even though I didn't want to leave his side that night, it would be okay with me. This is how I knew that sleeping with him was the right decision. I can think clearly again, much like a man can and does.

 

We texted through the night. This afternoon, we picked up where we left off and he told me he was tired mainly because he quit taking the drug, and he even mentioned he thinks his equipment is recovering (I imagine that will be the case within a week or two), and so I asked him how he knew. At this point in the conversation, I was joking and jovial, so I asked him how he knew this. I thought we were just being open with each other. Then I get a text saying that he doesn't really feel like texting about his **** problems. I was floored. "Uh, okay." That was all I could muster. Then I get a response from him just telling me. I know it's a sensitive topic but geez...

 

I *still* like him. But those feelings I felt for him are drastically diminished now. I think this is a combination of seeing him in his environment, noticing some of his wishes do not mesh with mine, seeing his weaknesses, and noticing how my feelings have faded. This has everything to do with me and nothing to do with him, really. This keeps happening to me. I'm going to stick it out and ride this train, but for how long? I don't know. I could still fall in love with him I guess. He has told his mother about me, which I didn't expect him to admit.

 

He did say he isn't dating anyone else, but I did look at his online profile...He is an active user. However, I am too -- only checking emails. I am still texting a prospect only because he won't leave me alone about going on a date. He is an engineer. I think I might just go on that date next weekend since he will be returning to the states. Could be fun.

 

This guy I'm seeing now is crazy to think I will suddenly be monogamous while he's surfing the web for something better. We talked about this and he thought "dating" meant exclusivity as in a relationship. I informed him that dating is what you do before you enter a relationship. Then, all the dates stop and everyone goes on with their lives to wake up one day to find themselves miserable. Yeah, kind of like that.

 

Anyway, since his job is so stressful and without the help of the wonder drug, he would like me to be supportive this week. Which I agreed to. I don't mind lending an ear or a helping hand if he needs it because I do want him to be okay. He hasn't scheduled another date. I wonder what that means...

 

Don't get me wrong, he is GREAT! But I don't know where he stands and I'm not waiting around for him to figure things out. I put my life on hold for a year for my ex. No man will get that time from me again without a firm commitment on his end. I'm getting too old and bitter to play these games.

[LostInTheWild]

Here I am again.

 

A familiar place with a vase sitting on my table. Uncertainty now surrounds it and the "us" that slowly fades away.

 

I light a cigarette and think of the unattractive smoke that billows out and away from the end.

 

There is no need for lights to be on in here. I walk around and slowly turn them off.

 

A faint chill creeps in through the window. I wrap up in a blanket. With my bottle of water. Remote control. Check, check, check.

 

Alarm clock is set for tomorrow. Big day at work. I dread it and embrace it all at the same time.

 

Contemplating the date on Saturday...or Friday, depending on the promises I made to other people.

 

Thinking about the anger that has boiled over. Surely, he won't think of standing me up again at the last minute.

 

And these feelings I'm left with...to push away or to pull closer? Hold on? Something so silly can make me flinch?

 

There is something wrong with me. I'm sure of that now. Anyone who is nice to me, let there be hell to pay. Anyone who gives me hell, let there be a fight...a long one.

 

I'm not even sure how to respond to his text now. I want to reach out, pull him in, kiss him, then push him away and run back into the woods.

[redbaron005]

There is something wrong with me. I'm sure of that now. Anyone who is nice to me, let there be hell to pay. Anyone who gives me hell, let there be a fight...a long one.

 

I'm not even sure how to respond to his text now. I want to reach out, pull him in, kiss him, then push him away and run back into the woods.

 

I don't think there is a thing wrong with you, owh except your posts are angry, sensitive, intensely felt, and that dirtiest of all dirty words - promising.

 

Oh, and that bolded line above, that's pretty much a vibe I have seen from every woman I've ever met worth dating: its that innocent girl on the playground who gives the boy a kiss and runs off feeling. That's what that is.

[LostInTheWild]

Well, it's definitely been a while since I've posted.

 

First, let me start by announcing that I just got promoted at work. It's an exciting time and I am fully celebrating with a few beers here and there. Maybe I'm an alcoholic? YOU be the judge!

 

Okay, me and the beau had a fun time this weekend, although it was a bit disturbing since I got really drunk. I was taking thermogenics which did have a horrible reaction with the alcohol, like me basically talking to myself...WOW. Never had that happen before but it was all fun.

 

He came over and cooked me a delicious meal. I was standoffish because I wanted to play a game with him since he canceled on me on Monday. Then, after a couple of glasses of wine he asks me about my demeanor and accuses me of being different. He says that it seemed like I was waiting for him to make a mistake. Which was and is true. He said he was developing feelings for me. So I finally kissed him.

 

He stayed over. I enjoyed having a warm body laying next to me all night. The next morning I was faced with the horror of being told how crazy I was acting but he thought it was funny. A three-hour sexathon, too. In the midst of it I must have called him my baby's daddy...I don't have children...WHERE did that come from? I've never acted so bizarre and I begged him to stop telling me the rotten things I said and did when I was drunk. Wow...

 

Then we went for a nice brunch at a crappy diner. It was fun and we laughed a lot. Then he dropped me off.

 

Here is where the story actually starts, with my celebratory victory...

 

Yesterday I went to see him again, after having my solo celebratory drinks, and I continued to have a couple of celebratory drinks at his place while he and his roommate watched WWE. I watched some of it and then I was about to leave because obviously I didn't go over there to hang out with his roommate. It was fun, but I was bored of it, so I decided to leave because I wanted more.

 

So then he led me to his bedroom and we had sex again. I don't remember everything but today has been different. He has ignored my texts for hours and is feeding me one liners...

 

I'm not sure what to think of this. I want to play tennis and so I asked him, so he told me he'd buy a cheap racquet. I expressed that I already had found someone else to play, thanks anyway, and that I would like to ask him something else...

 

He has ignored me for about 45 minutes now. He never does that unless he is working. He is not working now...

 

I AM analyzing this situation to the fullest right now. So much has happened and yeah, maybe he does just need "him" time. However, he had told me he had canceled his online profile. He is still active on the site. I'm considering this a possible lie BECAUSE he hasn't hidden it (I have canceled mine as of this past weekend, but they let me use the remaining days on my subscription). I want to ask him about that too, but he hasn't replied to anything I've really said so...

 

Yeah, I guess I'll have to let this one go, too. It's not worth destroying myself over when I have so much going for me. I can't let any man get to me again. That is why I kept my guard up all this time. Although I did some crazy things, they aren't necessarily deal breakers, if you ask me. Just drunken follies.

 

Oh well, time to move on again. This one does hurt a little bit. Not as badly as the first, though.

[LostInTheWild]

There is the cold air again, creeping in slowly through the window I've left open. It's cold. It's cold in here.

 

I sweep up the pretty shards of glass that are the remnants of the bright, hopeful vase I had painted. The dead, but preserved, flowers go into the trash, too.

 

I guess this is why it is called coping. I text my friend. She is on her way to save the day.

 

I'm shaking but I realize that my hand is bleeding. Water covers my kitchen floor. I hide in the laundry room and cry. And scream. And cry. Rinse, repeat, rinse and repeat.

 

Minutes ago I got the text that things are now over. There is no changing his mind. I've learned not to beg. I won't. I can't. I haven't the energy to compete anymore.

 

This cold air blows in and kisses my face, sweeps my hair, and caresses my shoulders. I'm alone again. It is quiet here.

 

The spirit within me is crushed again. Not as badly as the the last time, but just enough for it to hide. It won't reawaken again. It is gone. Dead. It has given up.

 

I have learned that to be myself around other people is just ridiculous. They want to see only what they want to see. This is it. The smile that I have. The image I portray. An image. This is all there is to me now.

 

It's over. It's cold. I'm alone.

 

In the woods. In the dark. Hiding in the shadows where it is safe. Permanently. Never to be seen, had, held, or loved, ever again.

 

I will not let anyone near me again. My profile is down. I have my work and my hobbies. I will keep my head down and shy away from love. I have rebuilt my wall. My guard is high. No one will touch my soul again. Ever.

 

And here I will remain.

 

Lost in the Wild.

[RoseMadder]

I've just finished reading this whole thread, you write beautifully. I hope with all my heart that you are ok, your story is so touching yet devastating, some people just love too much. Somebody important to me once told me that in any relationship there is one partner who loves the other more than they're loved back and to never love someone more than they love you. When I read things like this it makes me realise where that person was coming from.

 

The only advise I can give is if you're going through hell - keep going. Never give up. If you're lost in the wilderness, find a stream, it'll lead you to people who can help get you home. Just keep swimming

 

Take care of yourself,

Rose x

[LadyM]

I'm so sorry for the bad ending with your new fella. I feel terrible that you're hurting after such a promising beginning.

 

A friend of mine once told me that I just trusted my heart to the wrong guy and, unfortunately, that's what just happened to you, too. He also told me to guard my heart very carefully next time around. I'll always remember what he said.

 

We want so much to feel closeness with another, jump in with good intentions and much hope, only to inevitably be disappointed, once again.

 

My deepest hope is for you to feel better soon. You have so many gifts in your life, one being how beautifully you write (agreeing with Rose!). Have you ever thought about pursuing a career in writing? I can so see you becoming a famous and prolific writer/author.

 

Please give us an update soon on how you're feeling! Wishing you well....

[LostInTheWild]

My friend came over and offered what support she could.

 

I brushed off her words of hope. To me, now, there is none. And there won't be in the future. I've made up my mind. Not in the dating realm. Men are sworn off.

 

It's late here. The television is on, but there is no sound. It's dark. I'm tired. And I can't eat anything. I can't bring myself to eat.

 

My life feels just as empty as the day he strolled into it. The keyword is "strolled." He waltzed in, took command, and nearly stole my heart. I won't forget him. I won't forget men like him.

 

Nice. He was nice. And had just enough confidence to keep my interest. But now, "nice" means nothing. I won't allow it again.

 

It might seem destructive, but he showed me what nice was and I let him. I have a taste of that now. And I have the bitter taste of resentment for it and for him.

 

I keep looking at my phone. I want him to tell me he's sorry and that he has reconsidered everything. But I know. I just know that he was spooked or met someone else. And I know that waiting for that text or phone call is just a dream. A sad one.

 

A memory I am all too familiar with. Bitter doesn't even do this justice. I am hurt. I am angry. I am scared. And I hate feeling those feelings I felt so long ago.

 

Yet they return to plague me once again. And I will never let that happen again.

 

I will lick my wounds and return to the world with a different perspective. A colder one. A smarter one. A more realistic approach. Avoidance.

 

If I never open up again, no one can hurt me. If I avoid places where I could meet men, I know that no love found is no love lost.

 

At this point, I'm so crushed I don't feel like continuing on with anything. I'd rather lie in bed with my blankets, water, and my T-shirt. I'd rather just sleep...and never wake up again. It would be peaceful.

 

I suppose tomorrow is another day. I guess I'll try to conquer it. With what little energy I have left.

[LadyM]

I really understand and can empathize with the devastation you feel. Can't help but wonder if it is ever worth taking a chance on love again when the odds are so great that it won't work out anyway.

 

As wonderful and exciting as love feels, the depth of despair of when it's gone seems far greater in intensity.

 

I hope you start feeling a little better tomorrow.

[LostInTheWild]

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I really appreciate that and I'm glad you two enjoy my writing. Maybe I'll look into maybe taking a side job writing short stories. The problem is I'm not really good at telling stories about anything except for things that happen to me. Go figure.

 

On to the update...