Lost In The Wild

[unexpectedlyhere]

Hey, just wanted to tell you that I read you, and that you seem to be doing really well!

 

Don't know whether getting involved with your friend is playing with fire, but I've found being told things by people about myself so useful and almost "interesting" so that part is definitely worth pursuing!

[LostInTheWild]

We reconnected after he went to jail. I hadn't seen him in three years, but I thought about him. I thought I would never have the chance to see him again. So when my cousin told me about his situation, I got his information and cast off a letter to him.

 

He wrote me back the nicest letter letting me know how he was, what happened, etc. I was ecstatic. And he invited me to visit him, so I did.

 

It was a cold morning when me and my cousin made the 1.5 hour journey up to the prison. I was so nervous to see him. I kept wondering if he was balding, overweight, or just downright ugly. I was pleasantly surprised to see that even in his ugly jumpsuit, he looked great. I stayed for about an hour and left. We talked about everything and I knew it was game over for us both at that moment.

 

This moment, this day in my life, well, it has taught me a lot about myself. He was two years into what wound up being a three year sentence. I waited faithfully for him for one year and visited him almost every weekend. What I have learned is that I can never be his friend because my feelings come back when I see him. I have learned that I made myself see less valuable by demonstrating I will tolerate anything -- even something like this. This moment in my life made me seem desperate and all too willing.

 

Pushover= a couple of weeks after he had gotten out, he took it upon himself to steal a bottle of windshield washer fluid because I had run out. It's two dollars and some change...I fought with him about this and my biggest red flag (besides the obvious) was that he could not communicate, he was impulsive, and he clearly had no respect for me (probably due to the aforementioned story).

 

I loved him and for some reason I still do. I must be crazy. What in the hell was I thinking? I don't regret anything because it got me where I am today, but jesus....If one of my friends went through this I would grab her and shake her and ask her why she needs someone in her life that brings nothing into it and takes everything away...

[LostInTheWild]

I have funny memories of him today. One time he was waiting to get a new system put into his car and in the meantime, he had this one CD. Every time I got into his car, it was blasting the same darn songs over and over again -- freaking hilarious!

 

And once my old car had an issue with the stereo. I had the music up really loud while I was driving and I was on my way to class. I tried to turn it down, but it wouldn't budge. It was literally blasting as I drove through the parking lot. I had to turn off the car to get it to stop. Well, after a while it just stopped working altogether until one day, I was driving to his house and it just started going again. I was sooo embarrassed so I asked him to look at it for me.

 

Well, he did and then he decided he had to buy me a new one . We were getting ready to leave his mom's house (this was before we moved in together) and it started raining. I took out my umbrella and a gust of wind took it and blew it about a block down the street. He chased after it while we both died laughing.

 

Those were some good memories. Silly ones, but they were great while living in the moment.

 

I spoke to my friend last night about how I've come to realize certain things about myself, about him, and about us. She couldn't really offer me advice on how to change bad tendencies I had. What I found to be the most profound thing she said was, "It might have been different if he would have communicated with you more. Maybe you wouldn't have been the way you were when you were with him if he had opened up to you and stopped lying. I just think you would have been a different person in the relationship. I am so happy that you are happy." I'm happy that she's happy that I'm happy, haha! It makes me happy to hear she cares about me. And it made me even happier to hear her tell me that I got over this quickly and realized this very early on in our breakup all of the things that went wrong.

 

I thought it would be months before something clocked me over the head and made me realize that this was just not healthy. It wasn't healthy for me. At one point in our relationship I weighed 100 pounds and wasn't eating. I enjoyed being so thin but when I heard people, my family, telling me it was too much it made me question the reasons why this was happening.

 

I feel stupid. I feel humble. And I feel proud that I could make such a difference in my life in such a brief period of time. No longer do I walk around with my head hanging low -- my confidence has returned. My smile is no longer forced. I look healthier. I feel like I'm glowing so much so that the guys at work notice a bit too much for my comfort.

 

I did find out someone stole his wallet while he was enjoying a night on the town . And you know? I think I can finally even be truly happy for him if he finally finds happiness with someone else. I honestly don't think he will return to me for a third time. And this time, if he did, I know I would have the courage to help him to the door one last time.

 

I love him and part of me always will. But I am a good person. I never deserved the terror he brought into my life. And I will never devalue myself for another man on this planet the way I did with him. F*ck him. I hope he's happy. And he has to live with himself at the end of the day.

 

On another note, I will be getting together with a friend of mine this weekend. Well, THE friend I've mentioned before. I'm kind of excited to see him although I know we will always be friends -- and I'm okay with that too.

[LostInTheWild]

Thanks, unexpected! I am doing much better. I feel so relieved. And rebounding with my friend is a bad idea but I don't look for him to make me happy. As long as I keep that in mind, I think I'll be okay.

 

And if only he'd told me that sooner! Don't ya think things might be different for me now?! Haha....

 

How are you doing anyway? I'd like to know!!!

Edited August 26, 2013 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

I'm so happy with my job. My boss, as I've said before, gave me a huge job to do. And I found out today that he really believes I can do it. He thinks this project will make me shine if I pull it off . Yay, plus it gives me something to obsess about which couldn't have come at a better time in my life!

 

I'm taking this thread for a little turn here. I think I played with fire by sleeping with my friend. I'm not 100% sure yet, but ever since then he has been texting more than ever. I can't decipher whether or not this is just sexual on his part but I've been through the wringer with men...I can't do it again. Well, I shouldn't say that -- I can't do it right NOW with someone I know who hasn't swept me off my feet (and someone might have to hit me with a car to get me to fall in love again). I'm waiting for the semester to begin. Maybe I'll meet someone in college, maybe not, but either way it will take a lot of effort for me to want them. Maybe I'll sit next to the most attractive guy and see what happens, haha .

 

I guess I'm kind of hoping my friend has needs like *I* do, but I want nothing more than to stay friends and have the occasional evening where both of our needs are *met*. Maybe I'm just scared. Maybe it was too soon. I don't want to hurt anyone. I know I won't hurt myself because I'm keeping everyone at a distance, but I'm just SCARED. I don't know why.

 

I love my buddy, I really do -- in that platonic sort of way. I would hate to fall into a routine. I want to see him this weekend, but after that I don't know if I'll want to again. I just don't know. I don't regret anything, but I hope he doesn't like me more. I guess that's what I'm getting at.

 

It's rough. It's beautiful. And this...this is my life. I made it.

[LostInTheWild]

So, I've been contemplating redecorating and oh my goodness, it is the most difficult thing to do! Wow, I never knew there were so many things I could do. A blue accent wall? With a stenciled design? With a hanging bed canopy? With curtains to match the accent wall? Oh boy, who am I kidding? This is such a difficult decision to make (and I'm afraid it will look like crap)!

 

Anyway, I think things have cooled down with my fear of my friend wanting more than what I do. I spoke to him today and he definitely seems to be taking that sexual route, which is perfectly fine for me. This is what I want. Someone o come around once in a while and be with me for a short period then disappear. It's a nice feeling, I think.

 

I do think about my ex a lot still. I know that I miss him, but his memory becomes more and more faint. The more I clean, the more I get rid of things, the more I populate my place with remnants of my former self, the more I realize he no longer exists to me. He is slowly being forgotten just as he has forgotten me.

 

I sleep like a baby nowadays. The bed is too big for me, but there is no more fighting for blankets or being pushed and pulled in my sleep. There are no dirty socks laying everywhere after I clean. For the first time, when I clean --- it's CLEAN! And it stays that way. No more having to cook dinner. I can live off of cereal and peanuts if I so choose. No more vying for someone's attention who doesn't "feel" like it or doesn't "want" to. Best of all, no more wondering where he is or what he's up to.

 

I have had moments where I wanted to check his social media. I fought with myself and only once, initially after the breakup, did I look. I no longer have the urge. This might seem callous, but he is pretty much dead to me in most respects. I forget people quite easily -- no matter the impact they've had on my life. Now, I do occasionally chit chat about him with my friend but it makes me feel as though I'm talking about a stranger.

 

I feel as though I've reached indifference too quickly. I mean I'm glad I've mourned his loss, but it was so fast. I'm genuinely happy. I'm in a happy place. Hell, I hope he is too. I thought I would be picking up shattered pieces of myself for years to come, but this experience has made me wiser in a sense that there are things I will tolerate and things I simply can't. Now, standing outside in the light, I have the wisdom to know the difference.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Don't think you've reached indifference too quickly. You may have a relapse later, who knows. But while you're on this wave, ride it until the end my dear!!!

 

You're doing brilliantly.

[LostInTheWild]

Thank you, unexpected! I fear a relapse, but at this point it seems so unlikely. Everyone at work notices a different me and I'm more determined to accomplish my job. I hope I can feel this way about school when it starts again too, haha .

 

Now I'm facing a new issue I don't see posted often at all. My sex drive is through the ozone! My friend is coming up for a couple of days, but I think it's only going to make this situation worse. Seriously, I feel like a teenager. If any man comes near me at work, I think about it instantaneously. If I sit at my desk for long periods, I get overwhelmed. What is wrong with me?! I haven't felt this way in so many years. Actually, never has my desire for sex been stronger. Maybe it's because my body is changing? I don't know...This is ridiculous. I'm frustrated, stressed, and now I'm pissed off because I can't get it when I want it, lol.

 

This is agonizing.

[LostInTheWild]

So everything is going quite well today. The weekend was long and I spent most of the time painting and being with my friend. He's a great person and the familiarity was comforting as I've known him for 14 years now. I can still remember the day we met in high school.

 

We drank, talked, and got busy. It was nice having a man around. The beauty in this is that I've found possibilities to be indefinite, always new, ever-changing. I'm covering up the red wall with a darker shade of blue. As it nears completion, I feel more hopeful. Life will be different for me and I'm happy for this. The memories stung as I painted it, but I noticed they were negative memories. Memories holding me back, tying me down to the past. I feel free one month into the breakup...

[unexpectedlyhere]

I'm really amazed at how well you're doing, actually! Keep it coming

[LostInTheWild]

Today, time is moving slow. I am feeling low, not because of him but because of my friend. I'm not sure if this is just in my head but she has been distant towards me and I don't know why. We are supposed to hang out tomorrow. But I'm beginning to think she might have chosen my ex's side. Maybe I'm crazy. She has a life too. But I'm afraid to lose her friendship and it's steadily beginning to feel this way.

 

She seems happy that I'm happy and that's how our conversations have been, albeit I do have to reach out to contact her always these days. She seems to have no interest in my life anymore. She used to contact me regularly but that has faded completely.

[LostInTheWild]

I remember when I told you this. You had just moved back in after the first move-out. I was hurting because I knew this was true.

 

"Unconditionally, forever..."

 

I think my young mind wanted you to understand the brevity of your actions -- the cheating. The cheating. I swear when I uttered these words, you almost cried. Almost. I remember your cheeks turning rosy and your eyelashes wet. I've cried more over the years. I have cried for you. My heart mourns your loss on some days. It really does. It still does. But I don't hurt anymore. I just mourn.

 

I suppose the saddest thing in all this is I wanted you to be a better man. A man who had good morals and sensible family values, all the while wanting to have fun and be the happy person I know you were and still are.

 

The sun is setting on you, you know? I can see the dark shadows pass along your back and the light is blinding past your figure. The sun is shining on me and your shadow has moved from hovering over me.

 

No longer do I check my phone to see if it's you. No longer do I await the sound of the key in the door and your footsteps and loud voice. The only piece of you I look for is your car and that will soon fade away.

 

I walk inside my home and breathe the air -- my air. Refreshing...Your scent no longer lingers in the pillows I've washed. Your cologne no longer stains the cabinet in the bathroom. Your stray hairs are gone because I've cleaned so well. And now, what was once considered our room is now considered mine. And it looks lovely.

 

I wish you could see the beautiful design I will draw and paint on the accent wall. It will represent me...pain...growing...changing...beauty...strength. I wish you knew how creative I could actually be. I wish you could know how creative I've actually become. A lot remains unchanged in myself though. A lot of things you remember. I'm still thin. I still workout. I still love the same television shows and movies. I still go to my parent's house every weekend. It's just...it's my life without you in it. Sometimes this reality feels strange, but all too welcoming.

 

I thought it was time for a physical change. I will have my hair dyed tomorrow. If and when you see me from behind the only way you'll know it's me is my height, weight, and skin color. I walk taller, with confidence, and if you see me, you will know the strong woman I have always been, but have been too blind to see.

 

So, at last, I will say it again -- no one will ever love you the way I did. My love is more mature and more selective. I will hold those close who hold me tighter, near and dear. I will never chase and I will never force someone to love me again because of a random act of kindness that lasted for a year. I knew you were lonely and I wanted to know you. I'm glad I got the chance.

 

And I'm sorry I wasn't your perfect match. I'm just glad you realized before I did that you weren't mine. Thank you for saving my life. And the years I have left to find someone who truly loves me.

[LostInTheWild]

I'm so mad today...

 

I don't even know why...But I found out they kicked me from my classes (the day they start -- I was ready today!) and I blew up on someone. I never knew I had it in me. I could have been kicked out of the school permanently for that little outburst, but who knows? Still could be if I'm reported... It's mildly fixable but still, I've been going there for so many years now and can barely stand the way they have been treating us. More to come on this developing story...

 

Everything other than this has been just okay. I've seen more of my friend, but that's it. I finished painting but I feel no relief in that. I cried yesterday. I'm not relapsing but I cried for him. I feel alone. Like he's the only one who understood me. And it's gone. My friends don't understand what I'm going through. Like I said, I feel alone now. The cold, dark unknown is setting in. The wild. The wild world. I'm mad at it. I'm mad at everything. I'm mad that I can't quit smoking. I'm mad that I can't make something happen with my friend because I don't feel that way about him. I'm mad that I have no money now. I'm mad that my life isn't turning out the way I've planned. I'm just plain mad.

 

I'm lost. Who am I? An immature woman stomping her foot when she's mad at a circumstance? And taking it out on those around her? Pathetic. That's who she is. Lost In the Wild and pathetic at finding her way out. Where should she turn? He's gone. The safety net she once had is now gone. There is no safety...there is no one who understands her anymore...there is no one to hold her when she's upset...there's no one to call when she has been slighted in some form by some entity. There is her and herself. She better start loving who she is or soon all those around her will not forgive her for her tantrums. They will not forgive her for being somewhat unlike herself.

 

I can't remember ever acting the way I did in public the way I did today. I made myself out to be a fool. An angry, little fool over something that can be repaired with extra work. I want things to be EASY for a change. I'm so stressed out and hurt...I want this project at work to be over. I want to prove myself. I want...I want...I want...Why can't life change FOR ME? Why can't I just work for what I want and have no obstacles come into my path?

 

I was late for work this morning because of an accident...It was the panic I felt when he left me. I called HR and messaged my coworker...Panic...Fear...I hate being late...I'm so stressed out!

[LostInTheWild]

Why do I feel so lost without you now? It used to be easy and even when nothing made sense, as soon as I saw your face, everything made sense.

 

I've never been so confused. I do wish I could call you to tell you that. I wish I could tell you that I do miss you. And I know you're no good for me, but I love you still.

 

I guess when things go wrong in my life this is the way it will be. My heart will always be reaching for you. Just like yours did for me.

 

You told me that when you got your DUI, you just wanted to be with me. I was all you could think about. I was the first person you called. I was the person you wanted to miss. The first person you did miss.

 

I understand what you meant now. How could I be so foolish to ignore that? Nine years, my love, nine years. I would still rather spend an eternity knowing you're happier without me, than spend a lifetime beside you knowing we only cause each other misery. But it doesn't mean I won't miss you. It doesn't mean I won't love you. I just know this is for the best. But I only want to be safe. With you.

 

Remember when we went to see The Great Gatsby? I felt a lot like him. I wanted so much to hold onto the past, the happiness, who I thought we were, and who I thought we could become. I wanted to fight for the illusion of rewriting the past and paving the future with new words. I reached for that green light and got it for the time being. Then it slipped away and I felt part of myself die. We can't relive the past, no matter how much it meant when we were living it. I still miss it. Some of it was the best part of my life.

 

I hope you still think of me. I hope you're happy. And even though I might not seem all right at this time, just know that I will be. I will be happy. I hope you know that. I hope you never forget me. And I hope you know that I won't forget you.

 

It may have been turbulence for us. Maybe so. And I realize we were bad together, but I would have lived every day in hell knowing that you were with me...

[LostInTheWild]

Well, these past few days have been awful. I've just been angry at everything. My head is buzzing because I've been so stressed out. I don't really know hope to cope and my friends and family have gotten the worst of it. I have no idea where this is coming from but I do know I have to find a way to get back to my happy place again. I'm thinking I should try therapy again but I am hesitant because I'm hoping this is just a phase. I'm lonely, have little money, and school has started (the previously mentioned situation has been resolved). I'm overwhelmed with work responsibility and the pressure is on. I am terrified, fearful, scared, and lost. What if things don't turn out the way I hope? Being an adult and being alone have my head tied in knots to the point where I just feel like giving up. Some days I wonder if I'd be better off dead.

[LostInTheWild]

Well, it seems this last week of complaining and being angry at the world were just a result of hormonal problems... I'm back to my somewhat happy place. I finished painting, everything red is blue...calm, relaxing. I've gotten new bedding, and it really ties the paint job together. I feel a fine sense of accomplishment knowing that I've done everything I've set out to do (I still need new furniture though). Now I just need to finish my associate's degree. Two more classes after the three I'm taking now. Then I have to come up with the money to finally finish my bachelor's. Success and debt....here I come!

 

The project at work, however, is stalling. I've worked on it a couple of hours each day, but that is all the time I can afford to give it being that I have my main job to take care of. One of the essential tools I need to complete the task at hand will arrive Monday, and then I believe the project will definitely take off if I MAKE the time to dedicate to it. And when I'm done with this project, my true organizational skills will be exposed and maybe my raise will be more than I've hoped for (I pray, because I need it so badly). I'm finding out quickly I have to prove my worth in this world and build respect with those around me. I'm working hard on this. I'm also working hard on respecting myself...

 

My friend stayed over last night and nothing happened. I barely saw him as he came over late, but it was nice to have that feeling of warmth beside me again. He is good to me, but I know we are truly incompatible because he annoys me, haha . He woke up and left while I was sleeping. I awoke to find him gone and quickly checked my phone to see if he had texted me that he was leaving or something along those lines. Nope, I awoke to finding my friend texting me telling me her car was vandalized by some unknown party (which really pisses me off because she is such a wonderful person). And a text from the ex ...

 

Him: Hey I'm sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you've gotten any of my mail? I changed the address with the post office but I'm not getting it. I ask because I've been expecting health and dental insurance cards because I need to go to the dentist and get my alcohol evaluation by a drug and alcohol counselor for my DUI.

 

Me: {Silence}

 

I've said nothing to this. Firstly, because he did change his address and if anyone needed their mail they would change their address with their employer, phone service provider, insurance companies, etc. And...I've checked the mail. The only mail I've received in a month and a half of him being gone was something with the courts and something about his new motorcycle. I do not care to respond because secondly, he knows if anything is important it would go through our mutual friend and he'd end up receiving it eventually. I wonder if this is a "feeler" message. I have to admit it does have me curious, but I know better. Receiving this message did not spark any old feelings and it did not spark any desire to know how he is doing.

 

In fact, all this message did was make me realize how much I hate him - how selfish he was with his affections, his time, and himself. No, "Hey, how are you? I was wondering if you've received any of my mail?" No, "How are you? I am sorry to bug you but I haven't been receiving my mail. Have you gotten anything?" Obviously he doesn't care how I'm doing because of his long, drawn out message. And I will show him by not responding just how much I don't need him - never have, just how much I dislike him, just how much I hate him as a boyfriend, just how much I don't want to be his friend, and just how much I have moved on. I know he wants to know whether I hate him or not -- our mutual friend has said so. I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing this. He doesn't know me. I don't know him. It's over.

 

And -- anyone with a brain stem can figure out where their mail is going by making a few quick phone calls. It's easy -- CHANGE YOUR ADDRESS WITH THE COMPANIES THAT SERVICE YOUR ACCOUNTS -- and you will get your mail. Don't bother the ex -- they don't have your **** (or they might if they don't like you ). Think like an adult, act like one, and make phone calls -- they can resend your information. "Feeler" text -- that's what I'm thinking. Yes, honey, we're over and I do hate you. But you aren't worth MY time or my energy. And you are not allowed to be inside my thoughts. You have no privileges in finding out how I feel. Drop off the face of the planet and hide in a hole while I catch the next train to "Moving On"...

 

My friend called in the meantime, well, our mutual friend. She was just checking in to tell me what she's up to and I told her what I was doing. The urge to tell her about this text was strong because she is smart and knows things I just can never figure out. But I didn't. I wanted to ask her if my ex had asked her about his mail. But I couldn't. My tongue could no longer wag about him to her any longer for I know she might possibly tell him. I want the silence to sting. I do not want her to go back and possibly ask him because I want him to know, through silence, that I don't care. If she went and asked him or even mentioned it, it would provide an ego boost to him -- and it would tell him, even without my response, that I care. When I don't.

 

I love his memory. I hate his presence. I will find someone better than you, hun, I swear it. Once the emotional scars have lifted, someone worthwhile will come along when my head is buried in the sand and I can't see it happening. Good luck to you in your life. After 9 long years, I have let you go. It has been a rollercoaster, but you were RIGHT. Every day I walk out of my door, smell the air, see the skies. My senses are heightened only because each day holds a new possibility for me to be a better person -- for me to live, and love, again. There will be days when I would love to listen to you and your advice, but I am so happy to live each day surrounded by people who really care about me, a job I love even more dearly, and the memories of you that have taught me so much. And I'm happy to be figuring this out alone. I feel accomplishment and a better sense of self. I found out I CAN live without you even if it felt like I couldn't before. You meant a lot to me, but you were willing to give me up forever when I would have walked through fire to be with you. I loved you too much. It's time to apply that love to my own life now. May you find your mail because it's not with me...

Edited September 14, 2013 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

Well, today was another great day, I must admit. I don't really even know why I keep posting. I hope it helps others if they ever have a whole day to wade through my long, drawn-out novel.

 

I guess I just like to vent, think and ponder my situations in life so much because everything has changed for me. I feel I've changed, somewhat, as a person. People are beginning to see me as a happy person again. No more, "Hey, what's wrong?" And me bursting into tears. I suppose I've come a long way.

 

I've also realized that making such progress has led me to the realization that I no longer have the crazy anxieties I had before. He made me anxious because I never knew what would happen with him from day, to day, to day. I only worry about myself now, and let me tell you, it is a HUGE improvement over worrying about someone else.

 

He was a big part of my life though. I can still remember good things but the bad things still do sort of haunt me. He was a huge source of my confidence and self esteem. When he left, all that went right with him. But now, I no longer feel self-conscious when I walk into an establishment (bar, restaurant) alone. I feel good about myself and have begun dressing the way I used to when I was with him.

 

When we first broke up, I couldn't draw my eyeliner on in the mornings to save my life. It was all messed up and I left it that way. I thought I'd lost my creativity when it comes to my makeup routine -- nope, it's back and it's better than ever!

 

I have more time to study and get my homework done! I'm not sitting at home worrying about an "us" or about a "him." It's all about me now and I like it!

 

I hope this attitude persists because as you can see, I've had the highest highs and the lowest lows from day-to-day. But now, I feel more independent and ready to take on the world. I don't know why I feel so good...

 

Anyway, there is a guy in my class. I peeped over at him and he is kind of cute from what I could see. I was telling my great jokes to a student I've just met while we were leaving class walking down the hall. I told her I wanted to name my children "Chair" and "Stapler." Okay, not funny, but you had to be there because we were cracking up...and he was behind us -- heard him laugh too . I'm funny! Yay!

 

Okay, enough is enough.

[LostInTheWild]

I still think about him, but the sting is definitely gone. I have been thinking of the good times lately.

 

I remember he was my first love. I remember that, for me, it was love at first sight. I remember walking up to him in high school and smelling his intoxicating cologne. I remember wanting to know him and wanting to be in his life. And that smile...That smile, those teeth, could stop nations from going to war. He had long eyelashes I loved to look at. And brown eyes that were a little bit lighter than mine. He towered over me and made me feel safe, but nothing could be further from the truth. His eyes shined and glowed with happiness -- a happiness I've never known within myself.

 

I remember the first time I sneaked out of the house to be near him. He picked me up and we drove to a park. The early morning hours brought a sun that shown through the trees and has seared my brain forever. Never has a morning been so bright. And never have the trees looked so beautiful as he danced along ahead of me, talking about himself and his friends. I just listened and was more than happy to. I could smell him from a distance and longed for him to touch me. There was a bridge in the park that stood over a small creek. We stopped there and looked into the water. I was 17 then. This was one of the happiest times in my life -- having him near me.

 

I think I've spent the better part of my life trying to conquer him. So when I had the opportunity I took it. I know that seems strange, but I could not let my love-at-first-sight get away. He was beautiful to me in every way. Even though he drank, even though I was his booty call, and even though I could naively overlook most other alarming flaws about him at our young ages. He was near me and that was all the sustenance I needed.

 

Up until the darkness surrounded me. The toxic aroma of what reality really felt like, what young men really wanted from me, and what I found to be true of male nature....

 

That's as far as I can go with that tonight. I've made poor choices and will reveal more as time passes, but I need to vent about this part of my life, the part most in my life don't really know about, but I'm just not ready yet.

 

Well, onto the newsflash I suppose: I went to class and got a really good look at the guy I'm interested in. I dress up for work every day, so it's nothing new, but I went the extra mile and curled my hair, dumbed down my makeup, and aimed for a professional, polished appearance in hopes that he might actually speak to me.

 

When class was over, I "waited" a little bit (grabbing my belongings, taking my time), walked slowly while leaving, and walked slowly to my car. He never walked past me. He never left when I did so I assume he was talking to the instructor, but I can't be sure. I'm a little disappointed that it didn't happen and as such, I asked my friend about it (he got mad, definitely a telling sign he likes me ).

 

But anyway, I figure I'll just bury my head in the sand. I've been told I seem unapproachable, but I'm really cool once I open up. I'm really hoping that doesn't crap all over my dating life. I'm really beginning to feel interested in other men now and am willing to explore the possibilities out there, but it seems that the guys I am interested in aren't interested in me. Isn't that the way it always is? But I sort of feel as though since I've tried so hard to win him over for so long, I should give someone the opportunity to win me over. I don't feel like I'm better or more special than anyone else, but I would like it if a dude approached me (a guy I'm interested in knowing) instead of me having to approach him .

 

Anyway, school is going okay -- I'm not going to lie, I'm freaking exhausted. But the project at work is high in the air. I'm getting a lot done each day and hope that soon it will be completed.

 

Stay tuned...

[LostInTheWild]

Life sucks right now -- it's so hectic for me. I have all this school work to do on top of my job. It's rewarding to accomplish things, but jeez...

 

The only light at the end of the tunnel is I get to see people and be around those who care about me most. I must admit, it is definitely a nice feeling and I enjoy waking up each day just to be surrounded by them.

 

I am still interested in the man from my college. I feel like a stupid school girl trying to dress nicely and make sure I'm always done up . Someone smack me please. I was planning on talking to him tonight but he left right before me. I was walking down the hall with the girl I was talking to last time and he was ahead of us. He turned for a brief moment, made eye contact, then kept strolling along.

 

Maybe he is interested? Time will tell. The only thing is I'm just not certain if *I* am truly interested. I think about him from time to time and think it would be interesting to get to know him, but oh well...

 

He is tall, he is dark, and he is, for the most part, handsome -- I haven't gotten a good look at him but it looks like that finger is bare. The only way I'd know if he were tied down at all is to just strike up a conversation I guess . I'm just not that kind of a person but hey, if you never try you'll never know!

[LostInTheWild]

To be honest, I don't care anymore. I mean, it's been nearly two months since the breakup and here I am in my new world. It's really not all it's said to be. I have my interests, but nothing is really new. I wonder what that means?

 

I'm here and thought a slew of men would want to be with me by this point and all I could muster was a little fling with my high school friend? That's it? I'm a little disappointed that no dates have really come my way. I want to explore other men's lives and see how other men could potentially treat me better.

 

So, I picked up the book, Why Men Love !@#$%^&*, and I have to say I've learned a lot. I've made plenty of those mistakes mentioned in the book. I want to try out the new principles I've learned from it, but hey, there's no one knocking on my door tonight...

 

Me and my friend have cooled. I find that he's more annoying than I originally thought. He seems insecure with himself, yet carries himself confidently, however he still has that boyishness about him that I really care no longer for. I want someone a little more serious like I am. I have an awesome, tough sense of humor but he turns me off the way he jokes around all the time. His advice is basically always siding with the person who I felt wronged by (a no-no). And he isn't my type to begin with. He bores me. I must admit, I'm looking for someone who has the boyishness, the seriousness, the manliness, coupled with the good sense as to when to knock it the hell off. I feel as though I'm watching another child when he's around and I DON'T HAVE ANY.

 

Another thing, though common, is he only texts me. I'm not interested in sleeping with someone who only texts me. It leaves a lot to be desired because he always thinks I'm mad when I'm actually joking and he would see AND hear it in my voice if he would call. Another mistake...I don't regret it but now I think he is holding me back from finding someone new. He adds nothing new to my life except for his friendship. That's all. However, he seems to really like me for some strange reason but I'm not interested and I haven't been - ever. So I'll slowly pull away and try to place him in the friend-zone where his annoyances belong. It might sound harsh but he just doesn't interest me. And I just don't interest other men.

 

I've been focusing more and more on my career and am planning on moving into the building...Just kidding, but it has crossed my mind since it's the only place I feel joyful. School is tiresome for me as one of my instructors reads off of slides all night and the other is quite entertaining, but it's a high level algebra...What can you do with that? And the guy in that class is still...Just that guy. I planned on speaking to him until I read THE book. Now, I don't want to set the tone for a new, possible relationship being based on me pursuing. I have no time for that. Besides, he missed the class the day before I read the book...and boy was I ready. Oh well...

[LostInTheWild]

Things are...not so good in my life right now. I've been having these moments where I want to end my life. I don't know why that is but I suspect I'm just really depressed about everything.

 

Our mutual friend, to me, was choosing sides. She would blow me off or not schedule plans with me at all. I had talked to her about this in the past and it continued, so today I pretty much texted her telling her that she's a great person, it was nice getting to know her, and I thanked her for coming into my life -- but, now it was time for me to bow out gracefully. I didn't want to do it, but I didn't want the string-along friendship this had become. She would continue to see my ex (which was perfectly fine with me -- I wasn't jealous at all), but would tell me she's too tired, or go out and not invite me, and never make any concrete plans with me. And that's what I'll do -- gracefully leave her to it instead of trying to hold on. I'll miss her deeply. She was one of those people that come into your life and change it forever.

 

I guess that's something I'm really starting to get a grasp on -- letting those people go who have no interest in your life or in seeing you. The ones that treat you like a burden to their lives. And the more you want them around, the harder they pull away -- it doesn't matter the title (friend, best friend, lover, boyfriend, husband). If someone does not want to be around you, let them go. I thank my ex for that bit of wisdom. My friend did not call me to make sure I wasn't hanging from a light post, to see if I was truly happy, or to comfort me at all. The ones that disappear when you're at your weakest are not the ones who should remain in your life.

 

My friend, you are an amazing person. Life just took us in different directions, so I will write you a letter, put it into a bottle, and cast it into the ocean. May you find it someday and know how much I truly care for you. I hope you never forget me because I will never forget you.

 

[LostInTheWild]

So, I'm back in my old thread. Things have been GREAT -- I've actually moved on. I met a really nice guy but I'm still trying to feel him out. He's not as attractive as I would like but our personalities are on par and HE DOESN'T LIE! BEST THING EVER! Wow, people can be honest once in a while? Wow... But we are taking it slow...And I've finished my project at work -- got HUGE recognition for it -- AWESOMENESS!!! I crawled through 15 football fields covered in crap and came out so sparkly on the other side Mr. Clean would be jealous.

 

Then...duhn, duhn, duhn...

 

The text from the ex asking me how I am... I ignore it (OF COURSE), then he tells me he's going to mail me something! So I'm like "What is the matter?" Whoa...what (hoping it's not a pipe bomb)? And he tells me he wants to send me a letter.

 

I get the letter a couple of days later and it's sweet...pretty much him beating himself up for leaving me and saying he keeps seeing reminders of me and it's driving him crazy. I'm like awww , he must really miss me to do this, wtf? I took it into work to confide in my guy friends (who told me to leave him alone!) about it and decided to set up a meeting with him over coffee. Cool, right? Then I start to thinkin', "What does he REALLY want?"

 

Okay, and here is where he FORGETS my "observational/stalking" skills (acquired from the foul stench of crap always bubbling beneath the surface of most stories/lies he told). Quick flip through the facebook and I see something about a breakup? I'm like, wow, he is over me and he's sending me letters ? So I text him and we have a nice conversation. Really nice. Then towards the end I cut it short, said, "Great. Nice chatting. See you Sunday. I'll understand if you can't make it. Have a nice weekend dude."

 

So, hopped back onto facebook to get the full story. He was all in love with this girl and something happened (I'm assuming she dumped him -- LAST WEEK!!!!!). And I get a letter THIS week?!! Oh noes, you are mistaken mister. I will not be your rebound. Ever. Suck on that. And just to get my sweet revenge -- I will meet up with him looking good, acting cool, talking about old stuff, leave him with a kiss on the cheek, and ignore his ass permanently. I'm still debating on letting him know that I know, but where is the fun in that?

 

I've learned to play those games in the three months we've been apart. And I can play better than him now. He should have put the pen down and not sent anything.

[LostInTheWild]

Paper Route - Second Chances

[LostInTheWild]

Another long, grueling day waiting for Sunday. The longer I wait, the angrier I get. The more I think I will just blow up on him. The more my friends stop making sense. The more my crazy mind overrules everything and everyone else. The more hormonal I feel. The more I feel like cancelling. The more I feel like telling him I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. The more I feel like telling him how much more I value MYSELF NOW and won't waste another three years on a relationship where someone thinks they can lie to me, cheat on me, hit me, stay out until the wee hours of the morning, drink, do drugs, disrespect me, feel disregarded (on a side note -- I never really realized how damaged I was -- I really asked everyone for validation ON EVERYTHING because he had made those decisions before and we were both controlling to a certain extent, but I just never noticed how my behavior changed). I wonder if he noticed.

 

Anyway, it's beside the point. We weren't right for each other before and three months sure hasn't changed his habits of lying and my habits of sniffing out his BS (he even lied to our mutual friend about his new girlfriend -- apparently she didn't exist? ). I am so angry. At him. I can't help myself. I am so bitter. I feel so battered and so bruised and so worthless in my own mind. But that is only when I think of him and the power he *used* to have over me. When I think about the new life I've built for myself, I think of all of my beloved friends and all of the men who like me despite any shortcomings -- and THEY'RE NICE TO ME AND DON'T LIE TO ME. It is such a relief to not always be looking out for the NEXT lie.

 

I do not feel exhausted anymore. I just kind of think about work and school. I try to focus on the positive things in life and how to improve the negative things. The things I can't change or don't care to change I just internalize. They are problems that aren't really there. They exist within me I guess.

 

But tonight is one of the unhappiest nights I've felt in a really long time and this worries me. I feel indifferent towards my ex, no doubt, but tonight is hard and filled with anticipation.

 

I wonder what will come out of this meeting? Will it basically be me telling him that I'm happy for his changes, to kick rocks, and move on with the next portrait of perfection? Or will it be me sobbing, telling him I'm happy for him, and that I'm happy he chose me (over and over and over and over again)? It has dawned on me that THOSE are the only two options I have. This is the "fourth" attempt at reconciliation... Hahaha...well, not reconciliation because *I* know the man won't touch me with a ten foot pole and I promised him when he left..."there is nothing else after this."

 

Something tells me I may earn hatred, but I will command respect. Which is all I've ever wanted from him, but I never got it. Ever. And this will, WILL, will be his last time seeing me willingly. I will never see him again, which he doesn't know. Only in the possibility of passing.

 

Good luck to you, hun. I've met someone new, too, but he is sticking around and I don't know why. Maybe I'm not as worthless as I thought. Maybe I'm worth more than you thought I was. But now I know -- without you and without him -- my life is worth so much more and beyond.

 

I find my voice each day. It gets stronger. And I gain more respect from those around me. Except for you and I have accepted that. It's your turn to find that out.

Edited November 9, 2013 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

I met up with him. Things went well in a way that friends would meet up and discuss everything up to the present moment except he went on and on about how he was going to leave the state and about all the things he thought I would see as improvements, which I didn't. Hey really emphasized Thanksgiving and how he would be spending it alone. I told him my dad could send him some food if he needs (as a joke). But he kept reiterating he would be alone for the holidays. I asked him if he really thought 3 months would change someone and he couldn't give me a straight answer. I also asked him if he had been seeing anyone and he gave me a half-hearted reply about how he hasn't been seeing anyone serious. This made me even happier because when we were leaving and I got closer to my car, I heard him yell, "Hey, if you aren't doing anything just text me -- maybe we can get together sometime." My reply? "Yeah, okay! Have a good night!"

 

And I sped away to the date I had set up with my friend who didn't know it was a date. And I never wished him a Happy Birthday.