Lost In The Wild

[unexpectedlyhere]

You're not back to square one. You're at the square after where you took control and told him you two won't be in touch again.

Keep your word. Speaking to him only hurts.

[LostInTheWild]

So, I guess a story is in order for this evening...What I'm hoping for is to leave the negativity in this forum and as I heal, I hope the memories become more positive. So this is why I'm starting with bad things first and will hopefully progress to the positives.

 

We were about a year and some change into our relationship. He wanted to go the beach with his friends. I thought to myself, let him go and see if you can trust him. We didn't have cell phones at the time so he gave me his friend's number to call. He called me the first night down there. The second night I called and his friend hung up on me. Then my ex called me back in the wee hours of the morning.

 

When he returned I assumed he was telling the truth about everything and things carried on as usual. He went out and bought a cell phone days before he told me he wanted one (I found out most of these things by snooping and observing). The walls began closing in on me and I saw my dreams washed away. This was when I learned I couldn't trust him. He didn't hold me anymore. He wasn't affectionate. He lied and went out with his friends all the time. He wouldn't make future plans with me for a specific holiday weekend.

 

He began texting the girl he met at the beach wanting to meet up with her and she only lived an hour away. He told lies about himself to the girl. I called her myself and got the full scoop. Then I called him to see if he would lie. Which he did! No surprise.

 

Then after he found out I called her he said he was moving out. I said, "Let me help you!" I packed his things that very day. Me and my friend had everything in garbage bags by the time he returned home to get his things. Something in me felt bad for the way things had gone. This was when I lost my self respect and he moved back in a week later. The way it was done was so messed up, looking back. He called me one night and informed me that I could be with him or he was moving on. I was in love. Madly. And I chose the first option.

 

Everything spiraled out of control after this point.

[LostInTheWild]

Thank you, unexpected, it's nice to hear some encouraging words at this point. It was so difficult to tell him this. I'm just scared he knows I meant it. I'm scared he isn't hurt. I'm afraid he doesn't truly care. I want him to care, I think.

 

But something tells me this will be a turning point for us both. I will recover and he will have the life he's wanted. He drinks a lot which could be his downfall. I hope he succeeds at everything he does, but I hope I do, too.

[LostInTheWild]

I've had a somewhat great day. This sting is still there and I'm still a bit bitter, but it's become significantly easier letting him go since I've sent that final text message.

 

So, the day's events were pretty much the same as the others...But the difference was when I woke up this morning, I didn't seem to miss his presence at all. My friends at work had seen a notable change -- I'm not moping around. And my work habits have been better -- what I'm known for -- getting things done and getting them done quickly.

 

I emailed my friends all day, too. It's been a long time since I was able to focus on two things at once! Yay! But anyway, I mostly talked about my ex and if he would return or not. Some think he will, some think he won't, but one thing was for sure: I want to be prepared in case he does. AND I did this because tomorrow is the official day (I've decided and I'm GOOD at doing this) when I will no longer verbalize my frustrations, loneliness, and give out my "I miss him so much" speeches. I've said so much I've repeated myself on several occasions which means that book is closed - I've vented on everything I didn't like about the breakup. It's time to talk about positive things. However, I will still utilize this site to talk about this situation as I please.

 

I actually feel really great about this and exceptionally ready to just type away anything that comes to mind. It's wonderful to be able to do this.

 

So after work, I went to my friend's house with the box of miscellaneous items I decided he can take back. She was cooking dinner for me and her family. I was afraid pulling up to her house because he now resides in a house two homes away from hers -- great, right? It gets better. There was no parking up the whole block...Except for right behind his car. Wonderful. With no him in sight, I gather my things and grab his. I look in my mirror and there he stands, looking down at something. God **** it. Why can't I just get a break! He couldn't stay in his house for two minutes more!!! Well, it was too late by that point because he was waiting for me. I approached him with the box as he stood near our friend's house.

 

"OMG, I didn't expect this to happen!" I grumbled as I handed him the box. "What's this?" he asked. "Some things I thought you might want." There was an alarm clock, some important papers, some memorabilia, and a box of jello with two cans of soup. "What's with the soup?" he asked. "I don't like it and you bought it so take it back," I said.

 

He handed me my keys...sort of reluctantly, I thought. Then he asked for the xbox... WTF? I think my face really looked like the icon I just used. I just said, "Okay." I was trying to think, be indifferent -- get out of here quickly! Go inside now!! I tried to dash for the door. "Hey, I went to the store and I got a lot of peanut butter. Would you like some peanut butter? It's the kind you like with the crunchy nuts and everything..." he said. "Oh, no thanks. I'm good," I said and my heart started breaking. "He asked me if I was sure and I told him I would be fine. "Thanks and I'll see you around," I said, now clutching the door and flinging it open. My friend didn't even know I had arrived and there I was dashing into her house about to start yelling.

 

I was curt with him. I wanted him to know how serious this was. My friend went outside and saw him standing in the street for an extended period of time. He asked my ex why he was in the street looking at his phone. He told me my ex was picking out a song to listen to while he ran to the gym.

 

I spent the next two hours going over it in my head and my friend just kept assuring me it was the right thing to do. For future purposes, I asked her how to get in through another entrance, and she gave me the password -- this way I won't be seen. I don't want to abandon my friends because they live so close together, but hey, if the time comes and I have to -- cool. I'm sure she'd understand and get out to see me when she could.

 

Later on this evening I went to my parent's and picked up a DVD player. It was the only reason I used the xbox anyway. I'll give it back to him (although I didn't want to initially) as my friend said "he's probably just bored sitting at his mom's house." She also warned me to be careful because his mom is crazy "and he might come running back if things get bad with her (they did the last time he moved back in with me so soon) -- so be careful of that. I'm sure he's not happy living there."

 

Best, positive news I have -- I did not shed one tear. I am not hurting like I would have this past weekend if I would have seen him. I did my best to be cordial, but indifferent -- it turned out to be curt, but hey, he needs to realize the "friends" thing won't work. NO, I don't want your peanut butter -- I'll get my own.

 

Before I left her house, I did see him again. He walked by quickly and said "Hey, peoples." I said nothing. My friend asked him if he wanted hangers and he said he had enough. She asked him if he was sure and he's like, "to hang myself with?"

 

Ah, well, life is life. I'm learning to live again. The small joy of seeing my friends was fabulous. The joy I used to find in my work is slowly returning. I might just be absolutely happy by the end of next week. And all the more stronger for being indifferent and nice by returning what he asked for. Sure, I don't want him getting into trouble if he's bored. Enjoy!

[iouaname]

My ex told me "I really don't imagine myself being in a relationship with anyone else" about two months after we broke up. Four months later - he didn't see a future for us at all. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he did that in the first place or the fact that I fell for it. Don't fall for it. Learn from my mistake.

[LostInTheWild]

Yeah, I still love him deeply and would never want to see anything bad happen to him. I had the urge to text him and tell him I still love him but things have to be this way. I simply can't bring myself to do it though. He KNOWS this -- I've told him. My voice even quivered when I told him I'd see him around, so he knows.

 

I can't fall for anything if there isn't anything there for me to fall for except for Mr. Right. The place I live in is definitely NOT crawling with them either. Ew.

 

But I wouldn't be honest with myself or with anyone if I didn't admit that I still want him. I want him to want me. I want the communication to be better, but it isn't. The sooner I accept that, the better off both of us will be living separate lives. I have to take what he said at face value -- he wants a friendship. In his mind I've already been friend-zoned. And I don't need more friends much less ones that treated me like a turd and made me miserable. I must admit the peanut butter thing was adorable though. He really loved to eat mine and even broke into my stash I hid.

[LostInTheWild]

So, yesterday began like any other day -- I felt good. I felt so good I didn't feel like working. I did the bare minimum and left for the day to enjoy my weekend.

 

When I got home, I tried to hook up the DVD player my parents let me borrow, but it didn't work so I couldn't return the Xbox. Now, I did let him know this and we had a brief conversation about how things are going. As expected, he is hating living with his mother. I imagine he is working on getting his own place because he has some folks interested in buying his car. He asked how I was and I told him that I'm great, actually. I wanted him to know that I wasn't moping around when I told him I'm doing well. I didn't offer any information about my life because, well, to be honest with myself it's none of his !@#$%^&* business. We wished each other well and that was that.

 

I read some things on the web then I decided it was time to eat! I haven't been to the grocery store in a loooong time so I just went across the street to get food and beer. I've been drinking more lately but it's cool. It helps me sleep at night when I only have a beer or two. I've been having sooo much trouble falling asleep and staying asleep that I have only been miserable because I just cannot sleep.

 

Anyway, while I was there at the pizza shop, there was some dude in front of me paying for some beer. I was up next and they serve two people at a time. Next thing I know, the guy says he will pay for my food to which I politely replied, "no thank you, that's not necessary." And he let it be. But as he was walking away he told me I was cute and slammed down two twenties and hurries away so I can't reject it. Okay, so it's been awhile since that has happened -- I've still got it!

 

I went home, enjoyed some food and beer, watched a movie and just vegged. I'm so freaking glad I can do that now. Before with my ex, it was not an option to stay home -- I always had to be hoppin' and I'm not that kind of person. I work 40 hours a week and go to college -- give me a !@#$%^&* break! I always had to have plans of some kind (or join in on his) or else I was sitting at home alone. I can TAKE NAPS NOW! YAY! I'm sorry but those people who constantly just go and go are mythical to me. I visit friends and family a couple of times a week and that is enough for me -- oh, and the occasional bar night or party. But every day with him? I work, come home, COOK (boy, lean cuisines are my new BFF! no more cooking against my will!), exercise, and then go out to see half the planet. I get too run down. Mmmmm, sleeeppp, you've escaped meee!!!!

 

I'm starting to see more positives in this than I can possibly imagine. Maybe this is a brief period of denial, but I'm the only child and can entertain myself for years without human interaction. He did think of me as needy because I wanted to spend QUALITY time with him, but going to a bar while he watches sports while I'm talking is not quality time. That left a hole in me when he started doing that (am I not interesting enough?). When we started fishing together, it was fun at first, but then he started taking me to these places where I could get bitten by ticks (carriers of Lyme's disease) -- not cool, and I would whine the whole time (yeah, guys, I have faults too) because I was wearing shorts -- I did ask him if I should wear pants though and of course I didn't need them .

 

I guess it's unfair that I feel so good. I mean, I did have a heads up that he was going to leave me two weeks before he did so and I grieved his loss then. Now that he's out of sight -- I'm straight. I don't care if I never hear from him again at this point. I'm enjoying being able to do what I want to do because he never let me feel at ease when I made decisions, right down to the brand name of the peanut butter I bought.

 

Ahhhh, I don't HAVE to clean, but I need to. I need to clean up in here because it looks like someone moved out. And I need his closet space desperately. But first, I must do laundry!!! Arghh!

 

This morning I helped my friend move to a new apartment. I could only stay with her for a couple of hours, but I'm glad to see her in a better place -- she seems happier. And it was fun talking to her and this guy we work with who also came to help her move. I love her because she is the sweetest person -- she will never say no unless there is a good reason. Which is why when she told us about the holy water and how she didn't know what to do with it, we made jokes about it the whole time. Apparently some guy that used to work where we do gave her this holy water and a crucifix. The holy water is in a Deer Park water bottle with a masking tape label on it. We had a field day with that. I'm dying laughing as I type that.

 

When I left, I went to my parent's house because they were looking at a new property to buy. My mom has been excited about this place since she first saw it. It looked suitable in the pictures but the only reason I went is because there is an apartment over the garage that I could potentially move in to. I would do this for a few reasons:

 

1. I rent (rent = I pay money to live here) one of her properties she wants to sell but hasn't because of me and because of my ex. I have also discouraged her from doing so because I like living here -- it makes me feel independent.

 

2. I can repay all of my student loans! And boy, I dream of being debt-free and living in a house someday when I finish college.

 

3. I can be closer to them in case they need me. My parents aren't spring chickens anymore.

 

We get there and I think the house is wonderful. It has a beautiful artisan rustic charm to it and it's great for downsizing. I would be so happy if she can buy it -- even if I don't live over the garage. It's so beautiful even I would consider buying it if I had the money. I make decent, livable wages, but it's nothing compared to what they make. I feel insufficient as it is because I'm not getting any younger either and I feel I should be where others my age are right now. And moving into an apartment over my parent's garage would make me feel insignificant, but I'll cross that bridge when it gets here. I just have to accept the fact that I've spent a long time wanting only to work and not attend college, but that changed for me 4 years ago and I'm almost finished with one degree (ohhh, there will be more to come).

 

We walk into the back of the yard. A secret garden, of sorts, I thought to myself. It was magical and charming. Then we finally go into the apartment. When we first walked into the lower level, my heart sank. But I looked around and realized there was more to it. Boy, am I glad I gave it a chance! It is wonderful!!! I loved it. It's a little smaller than my place, but I get to ditch the memories of him and move forward. It is just as charming as the house is and I think I would be so happy there (besides waking up at the crack of dawn because it's further from my job). The kitchen is larger than mine is now; there is direct access to the outdoors and I love sitting outside when it's nice like this; my dog would absolutely love being there because she can run around and play all day; I can fix it up anyway I'd like to and remodel a little bit. I would love living there. It would be great to get away from this. I mean, I sort of like where I live now but it's strict here and my ex can find me. If I move, he will never know where I've gone if he comes looking for me.

 

Do you guys think that with me being 26 and living in my parent's apartment would scare potential mates off (although I don't plan on having many of those)?

 

Later today I went to get my nails done. I had the top down on my convertible -- something I never liked doing when I was his girlfriend. He would constantly pester me about it which made me hate doing it. So, I decided to live a little and let my hair blow in the wind. That's when I saw him drive by me. His big ol' dome was looking in my direction. I didn't flinch -- I pretended like I didn't see him. HA! I will bet money he was like, "WTF? I could never get her to do that!"

 

Life. Is. Good.

[Virgil876]

Seriously, I am so very glad to see you're happy, since most of the things on this forum are from people with very early stages of breakup. But really, so happy for you!!! :laugh: Even though it is early for me still (3 weeks post being dumped), I'm actually not upset anymore (but lets hope that doesn't backfire ) and I don't think my ex is upset either, so that is all good.

 

On a side note... regarding,

- Friend-zone, remember someone getting offended with guys using that term and saying they're immature, but you girls use it too!

- Rustic charm, reminds me of my etsy addiction...

[LostInTheWild]

Thanks, Virgil! I'm still feeling pretty good, but now that I have a slight chance at moving out of here I'm on edge. I just think it would be best to leave it all behind. There are too many memories here, but hey, if I don't get to move I'll just have to redecorate.

 

I still don't want to be his friend and I won't. Part of me just wanted to know how he was doing. I'm guessing he is pretty happy with his decision because he wished me well. I'm happy with his decision, too. I don't think he will come crawling back in a few months which will save me a lot of heartache.

 

I feel so free to do whatever I want -- and I'm realizing there is a little independent person inside me after all. Now I'm worried if I meet someone I will have trouble giving up my independence. I plan on staying single for a while, but anything is possible at this point.

 

Another thing, I will never live with another man unless he is my husband. I've tried it twice now and both times were unsuccessful. I won't do it! It seems like my cousin did everything the exact opposite of everything I did. She got married last year and on the day I found out my ex was texting someone else, I also found out she is expecting a child. It was written in the sky on that day.

[Virgil876]

I found it very cute when you were saying you found your independence and can rest at home on a Saturday night (correct me if I'm wrong ).

 

I don't think you should disregard living with men, I'm certain they're just not the right people after all.

[LostInTheWild]

Well, that was actually Friday night, but I did the same thing on Saturday night. I enjoy lying motionless on the best mattress in the whole world sometimes. Sometimes I just itch to get out of the house like last weekend when I went to the craziest pool party I've ever been to. I needed that even though it was a day after our breakup.

 

Actually, I have read articles that it is better to not live with your significant other before marriage. Those involved in such relationships find that it's easier to walk away even after they get married.

 

Haha, I wonder if I'll just let myself go now or if he will. Years later we will bump into each other and he or I will tell ourselves, "Thank god I didn't stay with them....holy sh*t." Has anyone ever had that happen?

[iouaname]

One of the sociology classes that I took last semester was called "Intimate Relationships" (yeah -- not so much fun right after a breakup ), and in the class the professor mentioned that couples that live together before marriage tend to have a higher divorce rate.

[LostInTheWild]

I do suspect that it is because men tend to take on the form of a medium-sized gorilla that hangs around the house thinking it's funny to fart on you, pet you like a dog, pick their toes, etc.

[Knoxpwns]

I do suspect that it is because men tend to take on the form of a medium-sized gorilla that hangs around the house thinking it's funny to fart on you, pet you like a dog, pick their toes, etc.

 

Because pulling hair out in the shower and smearing it on the side of the shower wall is so much more normal

[Virgil876]

I do suspect that it is because men tend to take on the form of a medium-sized gorilla that hangs around the house thinking it's funny to fart on you, pet you like a dog, pick their toes, etc.

I don't!

[LostInTheWild]

Haha, yeah, when you all know she will clean it up!!!

 

Today has been an okay day. I thought about him more than I think is normal. I miss him more today than when we first broke up. Even still, I'm still high on life I suppose. I mean, I put the top down on my car again. I cruised around and did some shopping.

 

The worst of it all was when I went grocery shopping. I know, I've said that it was fantastic that I didn't cook anymore, but it haunted me as I picked up each lean cuisine and shoved it into the cart. I sent pictures to my friend and felt better about it as we laughed, but who am I really laughing with now? Myself, I suppose. There isn't anyone around to say I'm doing the right thing and there isn't anyone around telling me that everything will be okay. So, I suppose I just felt empty right at that moment when people stared into my cart and wondered what the hell I was thinking. But on the positive side -- I did buy some of those meals you can heat up on the stove just to make myself feel like I can cook once in a while.

 

Then I went home and started laundry. I have to work in the morning which I am not thrilled about, but it will do me some good to get out. I did pick up my dog over the weekend (she was at my parent's all week) just to spend some time with her and yet here I am wallowing in my own happiness/sorrow. I've missed my dog -- she never seemed to miss me though until she realized he wasn't coming back (she waited for him by the door for a few days until she noticed we were going to be alone). Now she licks me to to wake up to take her out and all that. She is a sweet dog but sometimes I'd rather sleep in .

 

Anyway, I went out with some friends and drank. It was quite fun and I'm glad I did it. We had a great time just laughing and such. I believe sometime in September we will get together again to party and have a blast while we fall asleep at the bar because we drank too much. I do look forward to that because they're such an awesome crowd. I hope it happens while I'm on holiday.

 

I've been thinking a lot about moving and it has hindered me from making any major changes to where I live now. I want to paint my accent wall a different shade but if I move I won't waste my money -- I'll just save it for my new apartment. I suppose I'll find out tomorrow or on Tuesday. I have my hopes up too high that I'll move.

 

Okay, to be honest here, I want my hopes to become reality because my ex drives a loud car. It is so nice here now that every time I hear a car drive by I think it's his -- sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. It's hard to decipher that now. It does affect me and I try to peer out the window to catch him driving by, but the trees are too thick to see. I just miss him more than I normally would on a day like this -- I'm not low or anything but he was a great friend to me. I will miss that and the companionship.

 

This dawned on me earlier today -- I cried the first several times we were intimate because it felt like my entire being was being pushed to the ultimate pleasure. I wonder if I'll ever feel that feeling again with anyone because it was the most erotic period of my life. The pleasure and the love I felt in those moments were full of the most passion I've felt before. I miss that even if our sex life died towards the end. In fact, it died completely until I saw he was going to leave. Then I got what I could before he left. You know, I did feel that with my precious ex and it was only because I fell for him. I guess in order to feel that again I'll have to put the walls down and let someone else in again. I fear doing that now. Men will only hurt me.

 

Madonna is a great role model for me. She wrote so many love songs about her lovers and it gives me hope that no matter how old I get, someone will always be a great lover to me in some way. I just don't think I could bring a child into this world knowing what I know about politics, manipulation, and the age of alienation. But love again I shall, and love again I'll try. Marriage and children are completely off the table for me. I wanted that with my ex and nothing can change that. I've put my fairytale endings into this guy even as a teenager and it didn't turn out so I just feel it's right to shut that part of myself down. Maybe it will change in time, maybe not. I love him deeply -- and I'm still happy, don't get me wrong, but I guess I miss the idea of what I created for him in the past. It is elusive to me now.

 

It's like a blurry, sunny dream. I see him smiling and laughing. Our child runs into his arms -- he picks our child up and hugs him. And in that moment, everything bad and negative melts away because he is a good father and he loves me. I love him. We work hard to provide for our child and move forward with our lives. The grass is green, the trees are full, and life seems fruitful. I never got to tell him this. I have asked about our future before and he dodged it. So he never knew how much I cared about this. He never knew what my dreams were made of.

 

He just assumed I wanted this from any old guy. I wanted marriage and I wanted children -- hell we even tried to have a baby once (which was met with me telling him his sperm swam in circles -- a JOKE ). That was earlier this year and then I changed my mind because he made me feel uneasy. Hell, I'm insecure about having children. I'm insecure about getting married. And all of that vanished from me like a fart in the wind when he left. My hopes and dreams aren't pinned on anything -- they've died. The only thing I hope for is getting my education and progressing in my career so I can have money.

 

This is a great short term goal for me to have and something I know I can stick with. It just sucks because the person I thought was my best friend left me with no return in sight (again this is okay -- I'm happy without him, too) and I can't share my progress with him anymore.

 

I hope he's okay. I hope he feels as good as I do. And I hope in time something brings him back to me like it always has in our 9 years (I know I don't need this and the third time's a charm, right? ). I hope we are more mature to work through issues and discuss problems. Just fantasizing.

 

"If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, they're yours. If they don't, they never were."

[LostInTheWild]

I had a bit of a sting of sadness today when I got to work. I was bored and didn't find enjoyment in it. I did find enjoyment in choosing my classes and I'm actually looking forward to the new semester. What really had me elated earlier was when I went to evaluate my degree, I learned I only have six more classes to take then I'm on the path to getting a bachelor's!

 

Even better, my advisor said the college I chose to complete my bachelor's will more than likely accept me because I have business experience , I can do evening classes, and I'm doing well in school. I can't wait to finish! I mean...it's been so long and I'm so close I can taste it. My company really recognizes this little piece of paper so if I get it -- I'll make more money!

 

In other news, I went out tonight after work with a colleague who also takes professional pictures as a side job/hobby. I paid him to take pictures of me. He was fantastic! I had so much fun and we got some really nice pictures.

 

I felt sad on the way home though. I expected my ex's car to be where it always is and it wasn't there. I think I had even let myself hope it was there. Then I went to check the mail and his change of address was there . Reality check: he no longer lives with you. He no longer wants you. He will not return. And he no longer loves you. I have to tell myself this when I get low.

[LostInTheWild]

I' not really sure what I should say tonight. I mean, I found out from our mutual friend that his mom kicked him out (didn't even last a week) just because he bought a few clothing items for himself . He sold his car and used some of that money for clothes and she flipped out on him. I guess in time I will get around to the stories of her...So, anyway, he moved in with his friend. Good for him. Hopefully that will help him straighten things out in his head so he can keep moving forward with his life.

 

I, on the other hand, have just sort of been looking for a rebound. I mean, I want the companionship, but I don't want another relationship. I just want a friend that does things with me and sleeps with me. I know that opens up a huge can of worms but I can't help but think that this would be a good thing for me. The problem is there are no hot guys around here that I can see... And I KNOW I just don't want another man in my life that takes my ex's place. There is still a void there...I know anyone who tried to fill it at this point would only get hurt.

 

I start college up again next month. Maye I'll meet someone there...although the same thing is to be said about the guys on campus. Is it wrong of me to want this? I feel wrong in wanting this...

[LostInTheWild]

So, today I've missed him. I thought about him more than I would have liked to. The good times are starting to sink in.

 

I remember when I didn't work and he pretty much supported us a couple of years ago. These were our happy days. He usually worked on Saturdays during the mornings and would come home in the afternoons. We would get ready and go out drinking at night. We were called the "weekend warriors." We partied all the time with friends and sometimes I just felt like the drinking was too much. It started to wear me down in the long run. It made me crazy. When I wanted to stop -- he didn't.

 

Anyway, on Sunday mornings, he would wake me up all excited to see me awake. I remember when he smiled and his eyes smiled, too. I smile right back. I had this way of looking at him and even now it's like muscle memory -- I can still recreate it. I don't think I could look at anyone else that same way. My eyes sparkled. Then we would be intimate and play like kids throwing pillows, wrestling, showering...We would make big breakfasts together and enjoy them at our table for two.

 

With the addition of our old dog, our life began to feel almost family-like. He would go to work and I would clean every square inch of this place, go to school, come home and have a home made meal waiting for him when he got home. We would laugh and talk about our days. It was almost too good to be true. Until I lost my trust in him things were all I hoped they could be. People would always tell me he was devoted to me and in a way, looking back, yeah he was.

 

We went on a boating trip on day. It was a beautiful summer day. We went with his friends and I just kind of fade out in large groups of people so I was quiet. We got on this super tiny boat and headed off into river. We parked near a sandbar, drank, played games, and swam. On our way back, I had put my shirt on, but had my car keys, lotions, and towels in my bag. And boy! I was not expecting this because it was my first time on a boat, but the boat was too full and a larger boat went by us, barely missing us, and a wake went over the front of the boat. I will never swim in a river again. Everything I had -- my shorts, my keys, my lotions, my towels, my bag...all sank to the bottom. Luckily no one was hurt. We all stood up and jumped into the water. The guy on the larger boat stopped to help. We were SO angry... My MOM had to pick us up...

 

This memory was a good one. Up until the woman he met at the beach told me he had lied to here and told her that the reason he did have a cell phone was because he was on this boat. He told her he lost everything. And conveniently cut me out of the story. What did I ever see in him? Why did he do these things to me? I used to be such a nice person until I turned into someone who was suspicious (and still am, but it makes me good at my job! ), paranoid, and afraid to lose him. But I was also so angry and I still am. I feel like I can't trust any men anymore. And judging by the looks of online dating -- it's confirmation I can't trust anyone!

 

I guess I'll wait until classes start. Maybe I could meet someone on campus, face-to-face. Or maybe I can just forget about my human desires, wants and needs and just live out my life as an empty shell of a person just working and learning.

 

This is going to sound stupid, but when I was about 15, I bought a "love" rock (yes, a rock) at a store. It's pink and it was the only one I was interested. I had such a difficult catching up with friends and finding a boyfriend so I bought it. Then it got lost in my room.

 

One day, I was cleaning and I found it. About a week or two later I met my first boyfriend. Every time I lost that rock and found it again, someone new has shown up in my life, believe it or not! Every time that rock went missing and I lost it then found it again, either I heard from my ex or I met someone new. Now, I keep that rock locked up. Maybe I should lose it again and find it, haha....

[LostInTheWild]

Am I destined to be alone, out here, lost in the wild? The only person I've truly ever known was you. Sure, I've been with other guys, but none of them pulled me in as deeply as you did. I told you we couldn't be friends, and while that's true, I can't guarantee when we're older and possibly run into each other in the future, I won't fall in love with you all over again. This whole life of mine...The life I created with you...The life I built around you...All of it was because I loved you the first time I saw you. Everything was because of that moment which I could never forget. I think about it every day.

 

I can still smell you. I can still hear you come home from a long day at work. I can still see you cooking. I can hear you laughing. I can hear us fighting over and over again. I can see you loving me. And I can see you pulling away. I can see your back turning to me at night time. But I can still feel your warmth. I would really love to wake up with you again. Sometimes I still think you're here. Sometimes I think I still hear you. Sometimes I can't stay here, in our home, because I feel you here...YOU HAUNT ME SO...

 

Nine years of loving you. I must admit the past is the past. I'm sorry for everything I did. I'm sorry for the ways I thought I hurt you. And I'm sorry that towards the end -- I stopped being sorry. I'M SORRY!

 

I miss you for the very few reasons I have left. I miss the OLD you. The one who was happy all of the time. The one who made me laugh until I cried. And the one who made my heart feel like it was breaking because of so much passion. Too much passion.

 

I still love you with everything in me...Please let me go. Please let me forget you even existed. I don't want to know you...

[LostInTheWild]

So, today was HORRIBLE. I felt like a piece of dirt all day long. I was considering leaving work early because I felt so badly -- it was like someone kept hitting me over the head. I cried at my desk and worked quietly. I hate that everyone notices I'm not who I once was. They look at me with pity, some ask me how I am, and I just lie through my teeth. I wanted to scream and cry all day long. Working was like keeping an animal in captivity. Today was one of those days where I needed to grieve and I couldn't. I've felt like this ALL weekend long and it isn't getting better. The only bright side is I haven't contacted him .

 

The problem isn't even that the positive memories are resurfacing. I just plain old miss him. My poor friend invited me out for a drink and sat and listened to me whine and whine and speculate and whine. She is our mutual friend, so I asked her if he was seeing someone and she told me he wasn't. I asked her if she'd talked to him over and over. When I finally arrived, she quickly got off the phone, but I knew she was talking to him. So I asked her if it was and she admitted it. I asked her what he said and she told me he was depressed today thinking about me. He misses me and can't help but feel badly for the ways he treated me.

 

I felt better at that moment. I thought, "He should feel bad. At least temporarily. I know it will all go away in time, but I want him to realize how he has changed me as a person." Maybe he won't do that to someone else.

 

I don't hate him. But in between me missing him and wanting him, I know that this leads to many other possibilities for me. He has scarred me in ways that make me suspicious of all men's intentions towards me. I hate men right now. I want to date, but none of them are stacking up. I'm just not ready.

 

So, instead I'm onto a new endeavor, despite being broke and hit with double the bills nowadays -- I'm going to begin remodeling and redecorating. I guess I have to make the best of this in some form. It is so hard. I miss him like crazy. He was my everything. For nine years I've loved someone unconditionally. To give this up is difficult. I am not one to readily admit defeat, but I can't make someone love me and want to be with me.

 

I've finally deleted his number. I am thinking of deleting our last text but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I still have this odd, lingering hope that he will want to reconcile and make things work, but I know he won't deep down. I want him to want me, but it just isn't true anymore. The sooner I accept this small detail, the reality and weight of it all, the better off I'll be. The less disappointment I will cause myself.

 

I don't know who he is anymore.

Edited August 20, 2013 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

Today wasn't as bad as yesterday. I even managed to laugh and joke around a bit, but my office mates seem to notice that I'm still quiet (I used to laugh and talk all the time -- still got my work done though). I still had my moments of moping around, but generally felt better.

 

Last night, I had the most awful nightmare I could ever imagine. It was the most frightening nightmare I think I've ever had in my life.I had gone to meet my friend the same way I did last night, except when I returned home, my door was unlocked (I ALWAYS lock my door). I pushed the door open and my apartment was different, more beautiful, with billowy red curtains flailing in the wind, but it was ransacked!!! I spoke to my imaginary neighbors about this and the woman told me that she thought she knew who it was and would talk to him.

 

In my nightmare, I felt content with this and fell asleep. Then I awoke to what sounded like someone trying to break in (still in the nightmare) and rushed to the door. I looked out of the peephole and saw a short man standing outside with a KNIFE almost unlocking my door. I grabbed the handle and screamed as I felt him turning the knob. I screamed the most blood-curdling scream I've ever "heard." I felt the doorknob turning in my hands and bam! My eyes opened and the clock had just landed on 3 AM.

 

I was shaking. I got up and looked around the apartment. I laid back down and kept the lights on. I swear I didn't fall back asleep for another half hour. I even contemplated loading my gun but I was just too tired to chase ghosts from nightmares around. I shook myself to sleep.

 

Earlier today, I looked up the meanings of the symbols in my dream and it looks like I'm losing a sense of self, losing something important, and losing all control subconsciously. So I went for a run. It felt fantastic to do this. I feel better now, but I'm still obsessing over him.

 

I check my phone still. I look for him where I know he won't be. I am lost, but getting lost can be powerful in relearning all the things about myself I thought were long gone. I'm going to set some goals for myself. I'm going to try to get out and run for at least half an hour each day; eat less to lose a few pounds and get more lean; and I'm going to stop talking about him with our mutual friend. I want her in my life because she is such a great presence and I love hanging out with her. But I can't do that if I continually rehash things.

 

And if I can't stop asking how he is I might just cut the cord altogether, only temporarily. I'm sure she would understand. If I disappear, I can reinvent myself and emerge as the person I can faintly remember. Funny, caring, loving, smart, ambitious -- I owe these things to myself and the people who WANT to be in my life.

 

I just feel so sad though. Sometimes I feel good and other times it's like someone has removed a limb. Ah, well, he won't return. And would I even want to go through that drama again? Time will give me the answers I seek.

[LostInTheWild]

Today was a better day for me. I went to work and dressed up like I used to (I was really slumming it for the past two weeks -- I looked terrible). A dude I work with invited me to the Bahamas (jokingly) but it was funny nonetheless because he thinks I'm beautiful. I wore my high heels like I used to in order to help with my posture. My back has been hurting lately from the positions I put myself into (holding my head down, slumping over my desk crying). So just in this act alone I felt better.

 

Working out has helped immensely. I always feel better afterwards. Right now I'm procrastinating because I don't want to really work out, but I know I'll feel great when I do! So I will!!!

 

Another good thing happened to me today. My boss trusts me with things, I've come to realize. He pretty much gave me a huge task that I simply cannot fail in doing. I think if I pull this off it will mean advancement ($$$) in the future which is what I strive for so vigorously every day . There's nothing like that feeling of working hard to make your dreams a reality. I appreciate that he is giving me this task too because I need it -- I have minimal amounts of work to do and this will help me focus and keep my mind off of things.

 

As for my ex, well, I hope he is well. I feel like he is a stranger to me now and even though I have my low days, I know that I will crawl through this field of **** and come out clean on the other side as long as I keep my head in the game. I'm also furniture shopping and contemplating how I would like to redecorate. I always thought a canopy over the bed would look awesome after a nice paint job.

 

I'm planning on quitting smoking, too. I want to eventually be fit for the right mate for me, so why not start here?

 

And I'm also going out on Friday! Yay! Then I can spend the weekend doing more tidying up. I'll probably pick out some paint and possibly even begin the project this weekend! I can't wait to see what it will look like!

[LostInTheWild]

So, I quit smoking today. See how that goes . It's only the millionth time! But I have so much pent up anger that I decided to take it out on something in my life and this is the closest thing to me so I threw the empty pack and my lighter in the trash!

 

I want to be healthy for myself and just be happy for me. I also met someone (well, this is the second guy) but due to the fact that I've just gotten out of a relationship, it makes it hard for me to want them. It's been about a month or so since my ex mentally checked out, but it's only been 20 days of not being together. The problem is I kind of like this guy -- wait hold that thought...he emailed me just now and I can't seem to open it...Never mind he's an ******* too like the rest of them...Jesus...

 

Well, that's all folks...

[LostInTheWild]

There are so many memories here. They are good and bad...

 

I've finally started reorganizing. I've begun taking over his closets bit by bit and now have a small sense of accomplishment. Hell, who am I kidding? I feel great!

 

I went out to a larger city nearby this weekend to see my old friend from high school. He is single, I am single -- and you know, sometimes rebounds aren't all that bad. I don't feel bad about it all. But what HAS happened is my friend has given me that push in life -- the push to find myself and respect myself. We talked a lot and he identified some things about myself that made me angry. He told me I'm a pushover. I was defensive with him but I understood how true it was.

 

In high school, I let people walk all over me in order to keep them in my life. He's so right. I've done this throughout my entire life. Now it's time to change this. You either want to be in my life, respect me, love me for who I am, or you don't deserve the privilege of knowing me. No more accepting others mistakes. I can pave my own way without the people who think it's okay to test me and treat me with disrespect. This applies to everyone from here on out.

 

So, besides that, we hung out, got drunk and did the song and dance. I wonder if we should do it again sometime. I mean, I feel great because I can only ever see him as a friend and the emotional connection I have with him is platonic. Maybe I'm playing with fire -- maybe not.

 

Anyway, over the next weekend, I will be prepping for the paint job! I'm really excited about this even though it's going to be expensive. I really think this place could use a makeover.