Here goes

[RightThere]

The one thing I will miss, is having someone to talk to when I'm make big decisions. Sometimes life changing ones, but even other decisions that I consider "big".

 

Looking at getting into a sort of "commitment" and I really don't have anyone I can bounce the idea off of who knows me well and my situation.

 

Just something I'll need to adjust to, but I miss that part of our companionship.

[dumped2013]

Any close friends? I have 2 or 3 close friends that I trust and bounce ideas and thoughts off of them.

[RightThere]

Any close friends? I have 2 or 3 close friends that I trust and bounce ideas and thoughts off of them.

 

I do, but it's not the same. Any friends or family will just say "ya, good idea" or "mmmm maybe hold off".

 

I think what I'm feeling is it was nice to have a shared life with someone and when making a decision that would affect it, you would get honest and thoughtful advice because it would affect them too.

[RightThere]

Yikes. Living in the same house while trying to get the separation sorted out is much worse than I think divorce will be. My STBXW is really hanging onto her last nerves. A few blow ups on the weekend, but it also shocks me to see where her priorities are and where mine are.

 

Going to try and get a home evaluation done this week for my bank then find out how much money I can get out of it.

 

Also had a bit of a weak moment on the weekend. One of my friends is going through a rough patch personally. He started with AA and let me know about it. I have a lot of family history of drunks and although I have things well under control, I'm always aware of the fact that I'm sure I could go down that path.

 

So I mentioned it to my STBXW simply to let her know what was going on, but also to ask her that if she sees anything that concerns her come up, don't be afraid to interject. As soon as I mentioned it to her, I knew it was a huge mistake. I know I can't trust her anymore so not only did I think she'll probably betray my trust, but also will probably use this information against me.

 

Even with all the stress, I haven't gone to any "dark places" related to that yet. I'm just disappointed that I treated her as though she was someone I could still trust.

[GorillaTheater]

Also had a bit of a weak moment on the weekend. One of my friends is going through a rough patch personally. He started with AA and let me know about it. I have a lot of family history of drunks and although I have things well under control, I'm always aware of the fact that I'm sure I could go down that path.

 

So I mentioned it to my STBXW simply to let her know what was going on, but also to ask her that if she sees anything that concerns her come up, don't be afraid to interject. As soon as I mentioned it to her, I knew it was a huge mistake. I know I can't trust her anymore so not only did I think she'll probably betray my trust, but also will probably use this information against me.

 

I'd say your concerns are justified. One of the hardest adjustments to make is realizing that this person no longer has your back and, at least as far as the divorce proceedings go, is actually your opponent if not outright enemy. It's tough to flip that mental switch regarding the person you at one time thought of as the love of your life, but flip it you must and the sooner the better.

[Misadventure]

RT, you can't look at your stbx as someone you can trust or has your best interest in mind at all. It's game time now. I wish it didn't go that way but it does overall just suck.

 

Yes this person was your best friend at some point but there are lots of people who can be that best friend without having to be married to.

[RightThere]

It's funny because my STBXW really believes that we'll still be friends after all this. She has always remained friends with all her ex's while I never speak to any of them. I won't hate her, but we will not be anywhere close to friends after all is said and done.

 

Had another incident this morning that reminded me how much better I'll be once this is ended.

 

STBXW for the past year almost has been responsible for basically 2 bills in the household (I handle the other 20+). And hers amount to maybe 10% of our total bills (we both work full time by the way). She's been telling me for weeks that she gave some lady a cheque, but they haven't cashed it yet. I guess it finally got cashed, but of course, it bounced. So she spent the morning storming around, saying how she hates it when people don't cash them right away.

 

It just reminded me that she never views anything as her fault. It's always this circumstance or that as to why something happened.

 

I don't want to start getting nasty during this divorce, because I know what I'll pay in legal fees versus what benefit I'll get out of it won't justify the means. I'll just keep swallowing my pride, letting her get the last word, and soldier on.

[2sunny]

Let HER deal with HER problems now.

 

 

It's for her to figure out. These are simply the consequences to what she does or doesn't do. Who does that? You KNOW you write a check - but you don't keep enough money in the account to pay it? The small things she does shows the bigger issues of what's wrong with her.

 

 

She may learn how to be responsible when you aren't fixing things for her!

[RightThere]

Let HER deal with HER problems now.

 

 

It's for her to figure out. These are simply the consequences to what she does or doesn't do. Who does that? You KNOW you write a check - but you don't keep enough money in the account to pay it? The small things she does shows the bigger issues of what's wrong with her.

 

 

She may learn how to be responsible when you aren't fixing things for her!

 

If she does learn, that's great. But either way I really don't care anymore. She is her new man's problem now.

 

She's lived in this fog for a long time, and I allowed it to some extent. She always had money to go get her nails done, buy a new pair of running shoes, or go out with girls/other guys, etc. But she never had money to pay for daycare, her phone, the mortgage. I would pick up the tab on all those things, but she resented me for doing it.

 

Couldn't win, but I don't need to care anymore. I just need to get out of this without any alimony or child support and she can learn to spend her own money better.

[RightThere]

Having an emotionally confusing day.

 

Needed my STBXW to give me a ride to work today. For probably the last 24 hrs I've really started building up some anger towards her and all the things she's done to me. The whole car ride she kept trying to make small talk, but I really wasn't having any of it. I just wanted to blow up at her let her know what a piece of **** I thought she was.

 

But I didn't. I kept it inside because I knew it would accomplish nothing and just give her satisfaction that she's still affecting me.

 

It's also been making me feel different about her physical affairs. Before it was the emotional side that really affected me. Now I keep thinking about all the physical stuff. How she would do all these things and then come home to me as though nothing happened. I guess this is where my anger is really starting to come from. I'm struggling to envision myself being with another women and not be angry in moment. Not sure why.

 

I know many other experience this, but I am still in shock as to how someone you thought you knew could be such an awful person. I was always a jaded person who softened up a bit from marriage and children. I hope I don't become an mean and jaded person.

[RightThere]

Hmmmm.....trouble in paradise?

 

STBXW came home this morning (she spends most of her nights at her new man's place. Leaves after our daughter's bedtime, home before she's up).

 

She was in the shower and I checked her phone (just because I love intel). Couldn't get into all the messages but he sent her one to the effect of "Sorry I was stubborn about something."

 

Not even full time living together and already rough waters. My over/under on when they'd have their first difficulties was much later on, but I guess reality is knocking much sooner than expected. Boo hoo.

 

Scheduled an individual counselling session for myself this week as well. I really don't find I get much from them, but I felt it important just to go and have at least one with all the developments going on in my life.

 

Waiting to hopefully hear back from my bank this week, schedule a mediator next week if the bank has good news, get the separation agreement drafted and BOOM, we're done.

 

Even had a microscopic weak moment thinking for about a minute "Would I even take her back?" Now that I can focus on all the lies and abuse she put me through, it makes it much easier to say that our old relationship was a total lie and I don't want it anymore.

 

But I still have moments.

[RightThere]

Had a odd encounter at the store.

 

Doing a bit of shopping and walked past a lady who smiled and obviously recognized me. Took me a minute but then it dawned on me.

 

It was the first counselor my STBXW and I went to see (can't remember if it was right before or soon after we got engaged).

 

I remember the last session we had with her because I know now my STBXW was cheating on me at the time, but was very angry and hostile towards me. The counselor kicked me out of the session so she could have a one-on-one with my STBXW. I found out later that the counselor knew that my STBXW was cheating on me, but still told her "Don't mess this up. This is a great guy and you're going to lose him."

 

It took a lot of effort not to walk back up to her and kick her teeth out in the store.

[2sunny]

Why in the world would you blame the counselor for your wife's bad behavior?

 

Seems like the counselor was attempting to get your W to be honest, even back then...?

 

And your W has been cheating, cheating and cheating! Place the blame on HER!

 

The blame YOU hold is that YOU STAYED!

 

Yes, you had a choice - and you obviously KNEW she was capable of cheating - yet you stayed.

 

Staying is on you.

 

 

And now you have a chance of being free of her and you still hold on to the anger like it's your best friend. Let it GO MAN!

 

 

None of it was that counselors fault! No reason to kick her - kick the cheating wife - kick her OUT of your life!

[AZtragedy]

I know many other experience this, but I am still in shock as to how someone you thought you knew could be such an awful person. I was always a jaded person who softened up a bit from marriage and children. I hope I don't become an mean and jaded person.

 

 

This is exactly how I feel....it really may be the biggest shock, at least when I think about it, that this person who I loved so completely and knew so well, could so quickly turn into an awful person....

 

I think my wife, too, helped me become a better person because of knowing her and being with her - she really was a great influence on me to be as good a person as I could be. Now, after what has happened so suddenly, it is really disillusioning to compare what was versus what is now. It just makes no sense. I totally understand what you mean here....

[RightThere]

Why in the world would you blame the counselor for your wife's bad behavior?

 

Seems like the counselor was attempting to get your W to be honest, even back then...?

 

And your W has been cheating, cheating and cheating! Place the blame on HER!

 

The blame YOU hold is that YOU STAYED!

 

Yes, you had a choice - and you obviously KNEW she was capable of cheating - yet you stayed.

 

Staying is on you.

 

 

And now you have a chance of being free of her and you still hold on to the anger like it's your best friend. Let it GO MAN!

 

 

None of it was that counselors fault! No reason to kick her - kick the cheating wife - kick her OUT of your life!

 

I think you missed my point.

 

We were in counselling. The counselor KNEW my STBXW was currently cheating on me. The and counselor's advice to my STBXW was "Don't let him get away. You should marry this one."

 

I found it totally unprofessional that (1) the counselor did nothing to address the cheating that was going on and (2) gave advice to my STBXW that she should marry me even though the infidelity was going on.

 

That in my opinion deserves a kick in the teeth. I'm not discounting the fact that my STBXW was the one ACTUALLY doing the cheating.

[RightThere]

Typical behavior.

 

STBXW again couldn't make her portion of daycare costs this month (I don't even ask for half anymore, just whatever she can contribute).

 

So I'll pretty tight for cash for the next couple of weeks. No biggie. Come to find out yesterday she hit the nail salon to get a manicure.

 

This

Can't

End

Soon

Enough

[2sunny]

Is it your obligation?

 

Did she attempt to communicate with the daycare place and make arrangements to pay it?

 

Does she work?

 

Do you know for sure that the counselor didn't address her cheating - or is that an assumption?

[RightThere]

Is it your obligation?

 

Nothing about our separation and bills is written in stone yet. I've been paying it for a long time, but she kicks in money when she can. For the past two months she has promised to pay me a certain amount. And for two months I've been getting nada.

 

Did she attempt to communicate with the daycare place and make arrangements to pay it?

 

I actually pay it in full. She just gives me some money to help cover it.

 

Does she work?

 

Oh yeah. She's got a good job. Full time.

 

Do you know for sure that the counselor didn't address her cheating - or is that an assumption?

 

My STBXW told me that in some individual sessions with this same counselor, she admitted to having a current affair. We then started couples counselling with the same counselor. We only had a couple together and the last one we had with this counselor was the one where she told these things to my STBXW after they asked me to step out so they could have a quick one-on-one.

[2sunny]

Why would she pay it when you fix it?

 

If I knew full well that someone would pay for my stuff if I claimed I didn't have money - I'd be spending too - hell, you fix it! So stop fixing it for her!!!

 

Tell her you aren't paying her portion anymore!

 

 

You could get it in stone through the courts. Maybe file and get an agreement going.

 

 

It seems you were asked to step out - so possibly a conversation could take place to address her cheating...?

[RightThere]

Tell her you aren't paying her portion anymore!

 

If I don't pay, our kid doesn't have daycare. If it was her phone bill, I wouldn't give two craps if it got paid or not. But in this instance, I won't make it difficult for my daughter.

 

You could get it in stone through the courts. Maybe file and get an agreement going.

 

In process. Getting a mediator to meet and draft it all up.

 

It seems you were asked to step out - so possibly a conversation could take place to address her cheating...?

 

It's possible. I guess I am speculating in that my STBXW told me what when on behind closed doors. I guess it's possible that she may have been....(*gasp*) lying to me about it?

 

[RightThere]

What a day.

 

Had a counseling session today. Went to the same one we did as a couple (just because I don't want to waste a few sessions bringing a new counselor up to speed).

 

He is a relationship counselor by nature, but he really wanted me to talk about what my STBXW still means to me, what would I do if she wanted to reconcile 6 months down the road.

 

I haven't felt this lousy in a while. I really had the cold shoulder down as to how I interacted with my STBXW but now I'm getting all this second guessing of what the relationship is now.

 

And I was doing so well.

 

I also put in a call to one of the other guys (lets call him old guy) because he actually knows the guy my STBXW is moving in with (lets call him small guy). Old guy had told my STBXW a lot of concerns he had heard about small guy. I wanted to follow up with him. Primarily because I love intel, but also because my daughter will be living there and I wanted to watch out for any signs.

 

Confirmed my knowledge about small guy's drinking problem but apparently he also has a temper. Can't do much with it right now, but it's in the memory banks as to things to watch out for.

Edited November 8, 2013 by RightThere

[RightThere]

What a lousy weekend.

 

My session with the counselor really affected me in a negative way. He said he wanted to challenge me, but he really spent the time talking about why I gave up on the relationship, what I would need from her if we were to ever reconcile. etc. I really had to fight with him to get him to understand how over our relationship was.

 

So of course, doubt and thoughts of reconciliation still hung around in my head. Really struggled with it for a few days as earlier in the week I was really moving on. Caused a big blow up with my STBXW and things really started to get ugly.

 

The STBXW and I had a good chat later on and I'm getting back down off the ledge, so to speak. I feel like I really need to learn some big things from all of this, and I still feel a bit incomplete as to how I will be different and smarter coming out of this.

 

I think what really affects me is thinking that my STBXW and her new man could possibly be truly in love, and not just living in a fog. My guess is it really is a combination of both, but I don't know if I'll feel better, worse, or indifferent if things work out for them. I do know how I will feel if things don't work out, however.

[AZtragedy]

I think what really affects me is thinking that my STBXW and her new man could possibly be truly in love, and not just living in a fog. My guess is it really is a combination of both, but I don't know if I'll feel better, worse, or indifferent if things work out for them.

 

I know what you mean.....it hurts to think that actual 'love' may be playing at part, but like you said, there is some sort of combination going on....the fogginess can certainly feel like love, and one can convince oneself it is love...but real, true love should take time to both develop and cultivate.

 

your situation, like mine, is so difficult because we still care and still feel love. but, all the foggy answers and things we are told are so very hard to hear and think about.

[RightThere]

So my STBXW told me by Dec 1st she'll be out of our place. I guess her and her new man don't have a place together yet, so they'll just stay as his rented condo until they figure that out.

 

So only a few weeks until we start shared custody of my daughter. Still needing to has out the details, but I think we'll both be pretty flexible on the schedule. The shared custody probably won't hit me until a couple days in with my daughter not staying with me. We'll probably have the talk with her this weekend and give it a couple of weeks to process before she tries out a few nights at "mom's new home."

 

I should probably be more pissed about this or fighting it somehow, but I know it is inevitable so fighting it seems pointless.

 

Still waiting to hear back from my bank about the place though. Not sure what I'll do if it's bad news.

[RightThere]

So I still have access to some of my STBXW's email accounts. I guess she sent her new guy a picture of my daughter doing something cute. He sent back two responses:

 

First:

"Oh my God (STBXW),

Thank you,

Ill kill and if required die for her you know. Now and always.

Love (Small Guy)"

 

Second (Two minutes later):

"No different than you actually.

Dynamite pair we be!!"

 

It's a bit of insight into this crackhead. I think this guy is very emotionally unbalanced. Right now he's on the high of highs because he won the "prize" of my STBXW. I'm concerned as to what the opposite end of the spectrum is like because I know he has a temper from other reports.