mandy6979 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I've only been separated for 6 weeks and have already registered with a dating site, but not necessarily to date people at the moment, it's more to find nice local people in my area to talk to for company. You'll be amazed at how many people there are who are in a similar situation. I will admit tho....there are a few nutters on there too, but they can be easily blocked lol! I just think to myself that if my husband can move on with a new partner whilst he was still married to me, why can't I meet new people and move on too? Don't get me wrong....I'm not completely over what he did to me coz u cant be with someone for 25 years and just suddenly switch off all feelings for that person, but I just feel that life's too short to be moping around in the hope that he'll change his mind. In my case, there's no going back anyway as a serial cheater deserves no 2nd chances and his new woman is welcome to him. Thankfully he's now staying abroad and contact is just at a minimum, but I think I would find it so much harder to deal with if I was in regular contact with him. I think the only way forward for you Tom is to cut all ties with her for a while, as your never going to fully get her out of your system. I understand its difficult with the business, but maybe your future happiness is more important than the business. Only you can make that decision though. Good luck ;-) I'm also in the UK....north of Scotland :-)
HeavenOrHell Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 It took me a few months to think about being with someone new, simply because I was too depressed to think about much else, if I'd jumped quickly into something with someone else it would have depressed me more, it would have been too soon for me, would have felt wrong, I would have been looking for my ex in that person. I just felt repulsed by the thought of a new person after losing my soul mate, zero interest. But I did surprise myself by moving on about 7 or 8 months later, thought it would take much longer after nearly 20 years with ex, also the fact me and my ex were still meeting up made things harder. We had a very loving break up, no hate or resentment, we never stopped loving each other as close friends. Each to their own though, it's what works best for for, I personally think it's good to be single until you've done the bulk of your grieving and that takes different times for different people.
aMguilts Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 You know what my problem is ....... I Just can't let her go! 24 years and you just can't stop loving a person, even when they leave you. I need to let her go. BUT HOW DO YOU DO THAT? Tom tom gonna be hard on you now ok? so i`ll apologise to you now in advance your right, you cant just stop loving someone even when they leave you your human at the mo, you are letting your heart rule your head so you `can`t let her go`? there`s a CAN in can`t you just don`t WANT to let her go!! you NEED to let her go for your own sanity!! listen she`s gone the life you had before that you feel you want, has GONE its OVER she no longer wants the life that you are so desperately trying to cling on too!! the sooner you accept that fact, the better for you to move on. you love her let her go then be happy for her aM
Author Tom amoss Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Hi aM but HOW do i do that, your right in that i dont want to let her go, but I want too, just don't know how. Tom
LoveBitesButSoDoI Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 You don't see it now, and I am sure you are not quite ready to hear this but guess what? There is a beautiful life waiting for you after divorce. I promise. It's waiting....waiting just for you. One day you will open your eyes & thank God, cuz it's there, trust me, it's there. 1
LIFE.GOES.wrONg Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Hi aM but HOW do i do that, your right in that i dont want to let her go, but I want too, just don't know how. Tom Tom, your asking yourself the wrong questions. By continuing to ask yourself HOW you do it your mind is assuming that there is a way. Maybe just accept that it will just happen *in time* and work more on dealing with the pain, since there are ways to deal with that - talk to friends/therapy/stay busy/etc. I'm right here with you brother - I've gotten 6 hours sleep in the last 3 days.
Bluesandy Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 (edited) The main one being the business. I can’t keep working with her even if its just email, it not working well, and she want us to have tel contact, or even face to face contact. She keeps saying we could just be friends..... HOW can you do that? Its too emotional for me, it tares me apart, and it just over 2 months now, and I feel no way forward. mandy6979 your story is sad, but 43 is better that 48 which is were I find my self:), but its still cr#p I know. HeavenOrHell you have found someone else thats good, your lucky. Thanks TailSpin75 I feed of your replys so much. I did look at dating websites, and sent 10 emails and got no replies. Not a very happy start. Tom Hi Tom, I am 53, so age is not an issue... As for the dating site.. don't decourage yourself so fast. First, write a nice description of you and a nice photo... .. I did send 30 emails, got 12 back, and answered 6 and talked with six girls, met three of them and choose the one... (if your website don't give you results enough, choose another one.. ) Your hardest problem right nowis how to be in NC with her, since you are working together... If you want to have any chance to get your wife back in the future (i mean short or long term), you have to start NC as soon as possible. Don't work with her, don't be her friend... Just cut all communication line..... That's what I have done with my ex. No physical interaction, just the financial aspects to solve with my wife... Courage Tom.. Hold on Edited May 8, 2013 by Bluesandy
2.50 a gallon Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Tom Yoga is only a start, you need to find more activities to invest your time in. The more activities equals less time you have to think about your problem.
TailSpin75 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Hi Tom - a couple of days ago you posted: "You know what my problem is ....... I Just can't let her go! 24 years and you just can't stop loving a person, even when they leave you. I need to let her go. BUT HOW DO YOU DO THAT?" I get that - I do understand (from experience) what it's like to be plagued with that question - hence the title of my thread... The hell that most of us face is similar - but our stories, circumstances, and details are all different - we are different - and therefore how we choose to navigate our way through this hell is going to be different. As always Tom - I don't have advice for you as much as I have a perspective. Consider that the term 'process' is used extensively in this forum and because it is used extensively it may (depending on the 'reader') begin to lose meaning. I urge you to not let that term lose meaning but rather give it a set of values that have meaning to YOU. My point being that this truly is a 'process' - not so much a generic term to describe the length of time it takes for something to happen, or an implication of a journey in which certain milestones must be reached in a particular order - but (as I've posted on your thread before) - a unique template which gets you from 'here' to 'there'. 'Here' is the hell you've been put in, the cards you've been dealt and the hand you must play. 'There' being a place in which you are healed, recovered, past this, or moved on. For me - I accepted (not happy at all about it) but accepted that all the time between 'here' and 'there' is going to suck - it's going to hurt - and it's going to be a struggle. (Keep in mind I fought with everything I had to save my marriage - I thought about her all the time before the shi!t hit the fan - and I truly did love her more than life itself). But after trying to save it - I got to the point where I believe in my mind (not in my heart at the time) - that I wanted more than anything to get past this. So I got to the point where I believed that the only way to let go (something that's been true for me) is to move forward. Of course, this begs the next obvious question - how do I move forward? The process takes time. Some people can go out and sleep with any woman they meet - I'm not one of them, I know this about myself and I suspect that you are not one of them either. Some people can search everyday for answers at the bottom of a bottle, but again... that's not me and your posts don't indicate that's you either. But what seems to be true for all of us is time... it takes time. For me... this process is about grieving - to experience the feelings (no matter how bad, how painful they are) that come from the loss that we have suffered. To cry, to vent, to purge, and to know that it just sucks - it's miserable, agonizing, torturous, and seemingly relentless. This is (in part) how I use my time. I balance (such an effortful part of my process) 'feeling' it and 'escaping' it. My mind knows (as I believe yours does as well) - which thoughts DO NOT serve us well. I could so easily allow my mind to see her as I always have - but when I catch myself with those thoughts I think - 'NO' and remember the hell I'm in because of who she really is. Let time pass - and this is time (I am so sorry to say) that does not include her in your life. Transition will happen - it's inevitable, but it's slow. All you need to remember for now is that you are making it from one day to the next - from one week to the next. I know it sucks and I know it's not what you 'want' - but with the passing of time - the 'wants' will change. Continue to do the best you can my friend - move at YOUR pace - do when you can and take time to grieve when you cannot. 2
2sunny Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Hi aM but HOW do i do that, your right in that i dont want to let her go, but I want too, just don't know how. Tom Are you in counseling? Moving forward includes letting go of your past and what no longer works for you.
lostinmyownworld Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Tom, To say that I know how you feel is a vast understatement. I am giving my story as an example of how you can get through it. I know your pain. I am 41 and my wife left me in January after 20 years of marriage and 23 total years together. We have a 16 y.o. and an 18 y.o., who is away at college. I have immense pain at first about being alone....she left me and my daughter in our home to live with her single female coworker. Ultimately, I believe(as does our therapist who I still see alone) that she is going through a mid-life crisis, although there is another guy involved. In my particular case I am to blame for much of the relationship trouble for various reasons like flirting with other women and carrying on like an idiot who is not married, but she had an affair in 2010 and we worked it out and tried to go forward. Well, last fall she started to see another guy behind my back and fell for him. I initially told her to try to have fun with it and she would outgrow her feelings but it just got worse. For me, the feelings of pain when she finally left the house were immense and I didn't want to live. Eventually I saw the therapist every week and also my doctor prescribed an anti-depressant to help. I never would have thought that I would do either of those things to deal with the pain but I will say that they both helped and I dealt with grieving and I moved forward. My wife just told me 2 weeks ago that there is no way of getting back together, as she is regularly seeing the other guy and spends weekends with him. I'm telling you all of this because counseling and taking an anti-depressant really made a difference. I didn't want to take an anti-depressant but it really helped me in the midst of the hardest thing I have EVER been through. The feelings of rejection and betrayal only got worse after bomb drop. She was my best friend and lover for 2 decades....only to walk away like she didn't even know me. You know what, reject your rejector and learn from your mistakes and move forward, whatever that path is for you. I am here to talk as well if you need it. These forums really help. Just don't think that she is gonna come back. More than likely, she's gone....and you have to show yourself and everyone else that you WILL beat this and be strong again. All the best man.... 1
Bluesandy Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Tom, The feelings of rejection and betrayal only got worse after bomb drop. She was my best friend and lover for 2 decades....only to walk away like she didn't even know me. You know what, reject your rejector and learn from your mistakes and move forward, whatever that path is for you. I am here to talk as well if you need it. These forums really help. Just don't think that she is gonna come back. More than likely, she's gone....and you have to show yourself and everyone else that you WILL beat this and be strong again. All the best man.... Completly agree with that statement, and that feeling of rejection and betrayal..... unfortunately....we have to move on to exist again... doing like she or he will will never be back again... if she or he would, that would be another case, but never count on it... only deception and sadness wil remain with you... we all deserve a better life than waiting for someone who didn't appreciate us.... and there are pleinty of people ready to take his or her place to give us even more than what we got before.... Believe me, that's my story... Courage Tom
Author Tom amoss Posted May 11, 2013 Author Posted May 11, 2013 "To see a rainbow, one has to pass a storm" I don’t know where I am yet in this storm, but I look forward to the rainbow. I thank you all for your support. I love reading your posts and re-reading them when I am low. Low today, but then it’s the weekend. Lots of crying, and feeling the loss, and panic of not being able to do anything about it. I know that letting go, and even wanting to let go, is not something you just decide to do. There are no switches in my head. It will happen in time. But may be realising that is part of letting go. I still love her, her from my past. But the girl who lives is not the same, she is a stranger. Someone who i don't know. What I want is to get an excitement for a new chapter in my life. I am going to buy a guitar tomorrow and learn it, always wanted too. Thank you all so much for all your help. I hope in time I will be able to help someone else on this forum. Cheers Tom 1
Shocked Suzie Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 "To see a rainbow, one has to pass a storm" I don’t know where I am yet in this storm, but I look forward to the rainbow. I thank you all for your support. I love reading your posts and re-reading them when I am low. Low today, but then it’s the weekend. Lots of crying, and feeling the loss, and panic of not being able to do anything about it. I know that letting go, and even wanting to let go, is not something you just decide to do. There are no switches in my head. It will happen in time. But may be realising that is part of letting go. I still love her, her from my past. But the girl who lives is not the same, she is a stranger. Someone who i don't know. What I want is to get an excitement for a new chapter in my life. I am going to buy a guitar tomorrow and learn it, always wanted too. Thank you all so much for all your help. I hope in time I will be able to help someone else on this forum. Cheers Tom Does take time, but you are getting there :) yes you need to look at her as she is now, not as she was...try not to look back yet at the good old days as it's too hard atm and that person is no longer there. Treating yourself is good, I've found it so refreshing looking after me for a change, doing silly little things as a reward....I even enjoy my me time, my own personal space which at first under all what was going on was hard. Your doing really well, we need to except those low day as a they are and a lesson in growth SS x
Author Tom amoss Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 Its Sunday evening and it feels like i'm in a bad dream. I can't beleive this is happening to me. Where did this all go wrong! What happening here. I'm so sad. I can't lift my self at all. I can't see a life without her, I so miss her Dam I want to see that rainbow so much. Tom
aMguilts Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 "To see a rainbow, one has to pass a storm" I don’t know where I am yet in this storm, but I look forward to the rainbow. I thank you all for your support. I love reading your posts and re-reading them when I am low. Low today, but then it’s the weekend. Lots of crying, and feeling the loss, and panic of not being able to do anything about it. I know that letting go, and even wanting to let go, is not something you just decide to do. There are no switches in my head. It will happen in time. But may be realising that is part of letting go. I still love her, her from my past. But the girl who lives is not the same, she is a stranger. Someone who i don't know. What I want is to get an excitement for a new chapter in my life. I am going to buy a guitar tomorrow and learn it, always wanted too. Thank you all so much for all your help. I hope in time I will be able to help someone else on this forum. Cheers Tom tom you asked me how to let go? i cant answer you that sorry if, i could answer you, i`d be a millionaire! but the answer IS in my last sentence The BEST thing you can EVER do with someone you love, but they don`t love you?? is.. to let them go. and go out, have fun, find what makes you happy you just think that they are the ONLY person in the world that can make you happy? you are confusing `need` with `want` its ok to want someone you want your wife i want my wife i still `want my wife` i no longer `need` her thou it comes in time let go, go out find a new hobby talk to everyone aM
aMguilts Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Its Sunday evening and it feels like i'm in a bad dream. I can't beleive this is happening to me. Where did this all go wrong! What happening here. I'm so sad. I can't lift my self at all. I can't see a life without her, I so miss her Dam I want to see that rainbow so much. Tom tom what rainbow? it`s OK to miss her it really is! of course you miss her it`s NOT ok sitting around , feeling sorry for yourself thou where will that get you?? stop feeling sorry for yourself get up get out aM 1
Mystery2Me Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Greetings Tom. I am so very sorry for the unwanted storm you are being forced to weather. Last year at dinner on our 15th annivarsy my STBXH told me he was DONE! Little did i I know: What followed in the next seconds...minutes...hours....DEFINED my year's long journey. Why do I lean on the short term, my tiny tiny tiny seed of self-preservation has in the most adverse of conditions (sadness, depression, and confusion) has allowed me t blossom moving past those darkest of days. Today while life is still challenging and I do not pretend to understand why this s%$! fell upon me....things are better than the chaos of last year. More over I have embraced that the bliss of a false marraige, is NOT worth the security and sanity of a truthful life. Truly, truly, truly, my heart goes out to you and viscous pain/guilt your wife selfshly cast upon you. PLEASE consider the TRUTH that this is NOT your FAULT (never are we perfect), but there is NOTHING you could have done to change the actions of a self serving agenda. My advice...IC is critical to begin to heal properly. Contiune to builds and rely on TEAM TOM to provides support, strength, and compasionate clarity. Be very kind and take care of yourself. ~Mystery 3
Author Tom amoss Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 (edited) Hi all. Thanks for your comments, really they help so much. Whats "IC " sorry It was my lads 21st birthday yesterday, and she took him out with our joint friends, I couldn’t go, even though I was invited, it would have been way too hard seeing her there. I spent the day so so sad. Cried most of it. There have been moments when I think a new life could be fun, but they don't last very long, but I guess its a start. Get up Get out. I can get up, but where to go..... There are friend which I see a lot, but to go somewhere else like a pub, etc I find way to lonely. I find it a real effort just to go food shopping. It’s over 2 months now, and if I look back sometimes I feel that I haven't moved on at all. But I have a bit, the panic of it all is smaller, and the feelings of all this is now like an old friend. Its a horrible feeling knowing your life is on hold, not be able to let go of the past, which I know I need to, but cant yet. Still hold out hope that she will want to come back, crazy really, after all the hurt she has caused. But there you are, love is blind. Don't give up on me you lot, it’s so hard here, and I know you all know that too. Thanks again Tom Edited May 15, 2013 by Tom amoss
aMguilts Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Hi all. Thanks for your comments, really they help so much. Whats "IC " sorry It was my lads 21st birthday yesterday, and she took him out with our joint friends, I couldn’t go, even though I was invited, it would have been way too hard seeing her there. I spent the day so so sad. Cried most of it. There have been moments when I think a new life could be fun, but they don't last very long, but I guess its a start. Get up Get out. I can get up, but where to go..... There are friend which I see a lot, but to go somewhere else like a pub, etc I find way to lonely. I find it a real effort just to go food shopping. It’s over 2 months now, and if I look back sometimes I feel that I haven't moved on at all. But I have a bit, the panic of it all is smaller, and the feelings of all this is now like an old friend. Its a horrible feeling knowing your life is on hold, not be able to let go of the past, which I know I need to, but cant yet. Still hold out hope that she will want to come back, crazy really, after all the hurt she has caused. But there you are, love is blind. Don't give up on me you lot, it’s so hard here, and I know you all know that too. Thanks again Tom hey tom no one will give up on you here just don`t give up on yourself do you think she will come back?? i`ll say this, all the time you are like the way you are now, you haven`t got a chance at all. i realise it`s an effort to get up and go out but you have to make the effort the hardest part is getting motivated? all you want to do is sit indoors and do nothing? let me ask you? you think thats going to solve anything? Think it`s helping you at all? i dont mean what i asked in a nasty way, i`m on your side totally but i feel you do need a kick up the *** ! plan something give yourself something to look forward too where abouts in the uk are you? aM
Author Tom amoss Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Hi aM Your right i do need a kick up the what’s it. Apathy rules here a bit, my emotions are too overwhelming, if I go out it the emotions effect my mood and I don't enjoy it anyway. Errrr I live close to Oxford Thanks Tom
aMguilts Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Hi aM Your right i do need a kick up the what’s it. Apathy rules here a bit, my emotions are too overwhelming, if I go out it the emotions effect my mood and I don't enjoy it anyway. Errrr I live close to Oxford Thanks Tom you are letting your emotions `overwhelm` you you , no one else and only you can control your emotions been where you are, and in a way i still am in a way:D you need to find `acceptance` within yourself Find something , anything that WILL make you smile again forget about whatyou are going through i know i`ve said this before but , get UP!!! go out you live in 1 of the most gorgeous part of england!! and i bet the pubs there are just as nice? feeling down, buy some bread and go chuck it at the ducks lool i`ve done this(but at seagulls..i live by the sea) its an amazing release! ball it up and aim for the head i`m in kent not to far for me to come kick your ass if you so need it chin up aM
aMguilts Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Hi aM Your right i do need a kick up the what’s it. Apathy rules here a bit, my emotions are too overwhelming, if I go out it the emotions effect my mood and I don't enjoy it anyway. Errrr I live close to Oxford Thanks Tom apathy used to rule my life too now? i can`t be bothered with it aM
Author Tom amoss Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 Running away. I am told by my councillor that I am running away from my feelings. Whenever I feel low, I always call someone, or go to a friend or neighbour, but never face the grief alone. Never face the heavy aloneness, utter terror of losing her alone. I need to face these emotions head on and deal with it alone. Only then will I find the strength to “Move On” I hate those two word, they make me sick “Tom you need to MOVE ON” Has anyone found this works? I have no motivation to do anything; I do like my new guitar, but is such a small thing, and will never make up for the emptiness I feel. So empty as a person without her. Every thing I did before was for her, cooking, doing work,everything, my whole life was for her, and now she has left, I have no purpose. Have no purpose in life at all. There is nothing to feeling excited about; everything is such an effect. So empty, I hate this new life, hate it so much. Its sucks Tom
Author Tom amoss Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 Hi Tom - a couple of days ago you posted: "You know what my problem is ....... I Just can't let her go! 24 years and you just can't stop loving a person, even when they leave you. I need to let her go. BUT HOW DO YOU DO THAT?" I get that - I do understand (from experience) what it's like to be plagued with that question - hence the title of my thread... The hell that most of us face is similar - but our stories, circumstances, and details are all different - we are different - and therefore how we choose to navigate our way through this hell is going to be different. As always Tom - I don't have advice for you as much as I have a perspective. Consider that the term 'process' is used extensively in this forum and because it is used extensively it may (depending on the 'reader') begin to lose meaning. I urge you to not let that term lose meaning but rather give it a set of values that have meaning to YOU. My point being that this truly is a 'process' - not so much a generic term to describe the length of time it takes for something to happen, or an implication of a journey in which certain milestones must be reached in a particular order - but (as I've posted on your thread before) - a unique template which gets you from 'here' to 'there'. 'Here' is the hell you've been put in, the cards you've been dealt and the hand you must play. 'There' being a place in which you are healed, recovered, past this, or moved on. For me - I accepted (not happy at all about it) but accepted that all the time between 'here' and 'there' is going to suck - it's going to hurt - and it's going to be a struggle. (Keep in mind I fought with everything I had to save my marriage - I thought about her all the time before the shi!t hit the fan - and I truly did love her more than life itself). But after trying to save it - I got to the point where I believe in my mind (not in my heart at the time) - that I wanted more than anything to get past this. So I got to the point where I believed that the only way to let go (something that's been true for me) is to move forward. Of course, this begs the next obvious question - how do I move forward? The process takes time. Some people can go out and sleep with any woman they meet - I'm not one of them, I know this about myself and I suspect that you are not one of them either. Some people can search everyday for answers at the bottom of a bottle, but again... that's not me and your posts don't indicate that's you either. But what seems to be true for all of us is time... it takes time. For me... this process is about grieving - to experience the feelings (no matter how bad, how painful they are) that come from the loss that we have suffered. To cry, to vent, to purge, and to know that it just sucks - it's miserable, agonizing, torturous, and seemingly relentless. This is (in part) how I use my time. I balance (such an effortful part of my process) 'feeling' it and 'escaping' it. My mind knows (as I believe yours does as well) - which thoughts DO NOT serve us well. I could so easily allow my mind to see her as I always have - but when I catch myself with those thoughts I think - 'NO' and remember the hell I'm in because of who she really is. Let time pass - and this is time (I am so sorry to say) that does not include her in your life. Transition will happen - it's inevitable, but it's slow. All you need to remember for now is that you are making it from one day to the next - from one week to the next. I know it sucks and I know it's not what you 'want' - but with the passing of time - the 'wants' will change. Continue to do the best you can my friend - move at YOUR pace - do when you can and take time to grieve when you cannot. Just read read this, thanks TailSpin75 Thoughts of her coming back are not good for me, I miss her, that I can feel. What I do with my life is what I must find. Must find life again. and may be in time I will, but not having any hope.... thats a killer for me. There's nothing to excite me, to look forward to. I hate this wollowing feeling. I do truly want to go out, but for the life of me have no where to go. This afternoon I am meeting my sister, we are going to the bluebell wood. this is where I took my wife every year, sister thinks it will be another facing up to things exersise. errrrrrrrrrr Tom
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