If its meant to be they will come back to you.

[backspn]

I think you're doing fime Kodiak. Casual contact every once and a while is good....makes you seem as the good guy still. I started the NC 5 days ago and no contact yet from her....but Im not worried. 3 years of relationship and she wont forget me.....she will call me eventually. When she does I will talk with her...but alot of the time I wont answer it.....Im doing my own thing...she's not my GF anymore. The other way Ive thought about going, and it is probably the hardest and has the longest wait (could be up to a year) is the "talk". When she calls you and talks about trivial stuff...Ive thought about talking with her and saying: "Why do you call me? Whats the point? The pain is too hard to talk with you and not be with you. Call me when you're ready to talk about us and give us another chance. You know that I love you and I always will but I cant keep doing this....I love talking to you but its too hard". Then say goodbye. You have now said your peace and she knows that the door is still open and you can move on without her. She will call back....they always do. So when she does...take it slow and do it better than the last time. Hope this helps....cause it does me.

[djones]

Kodiak,

 

I agree with backspn, you are doing fine, just hang in there the casual contact thing is ok, let her contact you...i am doing the same thing and I am feeling exactly the same as you everytime we talk it is awesome and then after a few days I feel real low, when I dont hear from her....You are not an @$$hole you are a good guy and you have feeling for this woman, maybe she will realise that or she does not but you keep moving on and go on....like you said if its meant to be it will be....I am living that in my heart,, we alll have to just get our selves better, I am doing that and I am making some good progress.....so we will see what happens with my carreer as for the my ex I am doing the casual contact thing I have nto talked to her (e-mail) in a while and I just got an e-mail from her saying that she is not ignoring me this week, she has a very busy week at work...she did not have to e-mail me that, we are not together she's not my GF but she felt she had to tell me...so we will see, I am working on myself.......I think we all just need to work on our selves...i still miss her everyday and there times I get real down on myself...look at our posts in the last couple of days i was a mess....today I am feeling better...slowly we all will get better....

[WantanS4]

drjones, and everyone else....

 

Hmm... I scratch my head and wonder why it is that things turn out the way they do. It's been 4 months now (actually tomorrow) since that fateful night she ripped my guts out ... and for some reason, I have not found another 'compatible' or potential partner anywhere. It's not that I'm not ready.. it's just that I nothing has given me an urge to 'approach' or vice versa. Are you guys having the same luck? or are you doing better than me. I think the only way i can move on is if I find someone to take my mind off her, but she'll be hard to top. I spend most of my time now either at work or in the gym, and well... i'm content. In some ways, i was angry mad pissed hurt by her.... but now I just hope she's okay and the fact that she 'doesn't know what she wants' doesn't ruin the person i was with (i.e. principles/ideals/etc.). I care for her, but I don't think I love her anymore.... she destroyed that. It's funny but it seems that if she does comeback, it won't make a difference to me.... yeah.. i hope that she does because i miss the friendship... but if she doesn't... well there's really nothing i can do but smile and enjoy what i have done fro myself. Do I still have hope... yeah.... i mean.... i was happy in the relationship.... but she wasn't... and it was because she was too emotionally immature. Hopefully, these past 4 months have given her a way to look at where we went wrong...... hopefully... she's even considered where we went wrong. but 6 years... i mean..... 6 years.. it's kinda hard not to think she hasn't considered it. what's amusing is that my mom trully believes she will comeback..... and in some ways i like the idea of that...... but i don't know... i find it amusing in the terms of 'yeah... right...'

 

 

all i want if she does comeback is honesty and truth... and understanding........ i want to be able to ask her anything and everything carefree..... and not have to worry about her feeling 'critized' or 'untrusted'........ i mean... don't i have a right to know?? after all the hurt/pain she caused me cause i loved her? it would only be fair to ask 'what happened? why are you here?? what do you want from me/us?'

 

 

what do you think?

[backspn]

She will come back.....but it takes awhile. Could take up to a year. Having another girl wont take your mind off her....only time will heal you of that. I cant date another...but someday I will...if she decides that she doesnt want to give us another chance. You know though.....after a year though, you might have moved on she might be out of luck. Thats why my ex said to me that she could be making the biggest mistake of her life.

[WantanS4]

hey backspn,

 

Thats why my ex said to me that she could be making the biggest mistake of her life.

 

Uhh... I don't get that... I just don't get how a person can think/say that... and actually carry it out. Is it a woman thing? no.. i've seen guys do it. I mean.... I don't understand. Why f.uck with something is good..... are people that optomistic about what's out there?

 

 

She said that she didn't know what she wanted.. but her 'gut feeling' was too pull away.... and that she didn't want to be in a relationship 'now'.... she said that she didn't want to feel 'guilty' of meeting new people..... WTF?!? isn't that literally saying 'hey... i don't think your that great... but i'm not sure... i think i can do better.... but.... i don't know....' i mean... HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?!?

 

 

Now.... the next question is..... what says that we should take them back? i mean... they obviously have no respect for us...... and they could care less about what's happening in our neck of the woods (she hasn't called me... i'ved called her since the breakup).... christ was i that bad?? i think it will be almost downright nearly impossible for me to just shrug off what she's done..... i can... and maybe i will.. and right now.. i think i would consider it (where as before i would have been "YES EYS YES")... now i'm more of... 'hmmm..... i don't know'....... like i said, will have to bend completely backwards so that she can pull her head out of her a$$ and 'splain!' herself ........

[Hurt]

The first month I slept with my cell phone waiting for any message, no sleep. the 2nd month I did the same, a few drinks and I would text her hoping for a reply, its now been three months and nothing, I deep down still hope, but I do less and less of thar because the pain stays, now, I do not hope every second, i think if you live every day without any expectations, you heal faster. The worst thing I did in the last two weeks is went on dates, they only made her want her more and I felt pain at the end of the evening, so I have decided to live with the hurt without another girl. The pain and hurt does lessen with every day that passes. She will never call or write me agin and she has nmade that very clear. At the beginning of this I was at 178 pds, today I am 163, that is not good, I have just begun to eat and sleep a bit better. I have given all hope up. If one day she calls to return, then I will have to think hard weather I would want a woman who can cause so much hurt and never ask how I am. I was not happy in the relationship and friends remind me of that, I now focus on the unhappiness and lonliness and distrust I felt, I do not miss her, I think I miss having someone to sllep with and do things for! I dont know, that is how I feel today and it helps. I am a good person and I gave her all my time and emotional support when she needed it, to think that in the end there is not even a call or text to say thank you is beyond me. she was selfish, self centered, all I asked is that she not go to her exs house, tell him about me, respect me, instead i had to let her go, the lies, the emailing, the meetings, no its not worth it, she would have hurt me in the end anyway!

[dugs]

Hey guys,

 

Here's an update to the whole "I opened pandoras box" thing I posted a few days ago. Today she finally called me but I did not answer because I'm not sure I should be talking to her, I'm think that I'm just downright scared to. drjonesI think you understand what I'm dealing with here with our ex's emailing and text messaging us to let us know that they aren't ignoring us. It's like WTF are you doing that for. You already ripped my heart out of my chest and we have been broken up for like 4 months, so why would you care if I thought you were ignoring me. Honestly I'm getting confused about what the hell has been going on in the past few weeks with us kissing and hugging and stuff, I'm afraid to bring it up though because I don't want her to feel any pressure or scare her away. Anyways I guess were talking casually now a few times a week and I'll probly see her this weekend...but I just don't know if I should do this...I mean I don't just want to be freinds who makeout...so if she isn't interested in reconcilliation then I'd rather not talk to her at all...I think I'll call her back in a few days after I think about it some more.

 

Right now I feel a calm, peaceful feeling in my heart that I havn't felt since we broke up. I don't no excactly what to make of it.

 

Hope everyone else is doing okay.

[netrie]

Originally posted by dugs

I'll call her back in a few days after I think about it some more...Right now I feel a calm, peaceful feeling in my heart that I havn't felt since we broke up. I don't no excactly what to make of it...Hope everyone else is doing okay.

 

EXCELLENT! Very good. I also started feeling that too and when we connected again----I felt so IN CONTROL of myself, emotionally balanced, calm, joy and peaceful. He noticed and said, "You are so calm."

 

I think it is because I went through the motions of intense pain emotionally with him, that now I am not going to cross my own boundaries.

[backspn]

If she is making out with you...I have a news flash....she's your girlfriend....she is just denying it in her head so bad right now. Girls do that...they deny it and say to themselves that they dont love us anymore when really they do. They can be so messed up sometimes. My advice to you is if you can handle seeing her and doing all this stuff with her...keep on it. You guys are together and she will realize it soon. If you cant then break it off and see how she likes it.....she wont like it. Then she can see what its like to be on the other side....she wont like it. I am not in the same boat as you for my ex wont see me but she will call me. I think she still loves the sound of my voice and its soothing to her. She wont see me because I think she is afraid of her feelings betraying her when she does hang out with me. It has been 6 months since we split and she still calls me but since last Wednesday I started NC to see what would happen. We shall soon see....she has been away with her college team so she hasnt been able to call yet. I have great times in the day when I am at peace then I start thinking of all the things I could miss out by not being hers forever.....thats when I change the subject in my head. You know what? It gets easier to change the subject as time goes on. Does it still hurt?......Immensely. Will I ever get the chance to be her guy again?....maybe. Am I doubting it right now?.....definitely. I think if I hold on to it too much it will drain me.

[mj108]

Update: My ex calls me in the middle of the night...in jail. I haven't talked to him in over a week. Anyway, stupid-good girl me...goes & bails him out. He paid the bonds person but I went up there & filled out papers etc. to get him out. Well, he hugged me & cried....I was there for him.

 

Well, just received a call this morning telling me he had a girl at his house that spent the night with him. I know this is true. I am so stupid! I mean, I would had helped out a friend in jail but when he called me from jail he was saying things like "I needed to hear your voice...." "I knew you would be here for me." Blah..blah...blah.

 

Would any of you do the same thing & bail out your ex? My friend told me...you can't help your heart & who your heart is with. Now I'm upset, angry, sad. I just am so shocked & stunned. My ex even tried to hide it that the girl was there.

 

Would any of you had done the same thing & what should my next move be now? Cuss him out?

[djones]

Hey Guys,

 

I have been away yesterday so i could not relpy to you all...let me read back

 

Dugs....I agree with backspn that you guys are back, but play it cool for now talk, go out and etc....My ex and I are e-mail and talking... but I think we are still just friends, I dont know what will happen, last night she called me she had a bad day at work and we talked like we talked when we were together it was nice.....I know EXACTLY what you mean by the calm and peace you are feeling...it is so awesome...BUT I am not letting my guard down yet...I dont know if we will get back...but we shall see...

 

Hurt...man it sounds like we did the same thing....when we broke up i had the phone on my chest while I slept....I lost wieght big time...I am generally 150 and I lost i would say 10 or so...

 

mj108....I would not give him the satisfaction of cussing him out, he would just know that it struck a cord in you....just dont talk to him...why did he not call the other girl?....just move on you deserve better...

 

I hope you all are doing fine....I am doing ok....like usual getting my life in order....take care

 

p/s Kodiak how are you doing buddy?

[netrie]

]Originally posted by mj108 Update: My ex calls me in the middle of the night...in jail

 

WHY WAS HE IN JAIL?

[mj108]

DUI & this isn't his first. He got one many years ago.

[backspn]

DrJones....how long were you guys apart til she started to contact you? Did you use NC? When you started talking was it like old days or did it take time to get there?

[djones]

Backspn,

 

I did the NC for about a month and she contacted me with e-mail and we didthe odd e-mail and phone thing...when we talk it always seem like the old days...so I am not sure how to answer that.....I dont know what will happen...I tell you this stuff is real hard...I guess you all know that too....How are you all doing?

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

 

Whats going on with everyone? I guess we are all kinda in the same boat right now. I hope one day soon we all get to a more happier place and find love again. Either with our exes or someone new. Its kinda cool, for the first probably thirty post it was drjones and myself going back and forth. Now we have a bunch more people here sharing their stories and advice. As for me, im sure you guessed it i feel kinda ****ty these days. why? Because like us all I talked to my ex when she called and it was great. Now I miss her and I wanna tlak to her again. I know however I have to wait for her to call me I guess, thats the way the dumped are supposed to be.

she was going in for a minor surgery in the next couple days so I sent her a card. It was nothing cheesy but i thought it was a nice gesture, maybe something that she would not expect from me. who knows? what do you all think, was that a dumb idea? I think I screwed up because I told her that I still miss her very much and still think about her. It was at the end of the card and thats all I wrote that was remotely cheesy. Most of it was hope all goes well with the surgery and say hi to your family for me. Maybe I broke one of the biggest rules by saying that, but who knows? It is probably a million to one odds but what if she thinks that I moved on and thats why she never talks about anything. So I figured that if I said that I missed her maybe she would know that I havnt moved on. Crap Guys I dont know!!!!! I never sent that letter that I was supposed to. Im glad that I didnt because I feel now that i need to re-write some of the stuff I put down before. we will see how it goes. Let me know how everybody else is doing and please let me know what you think about what I said in teh card and such...Take Care.......Kodiak

[backspn]

Your intentions are true Kodiak. No one can argue with your heart. It wasnt wrong to tell her you miss her....I wouldnt have....but it wasnt wrong. It wont hurt you in the long run. The whole "I havent moved on" thing is dicey. In her eyes you need to have moved on.....only then will she notice you. Women are like that....they want what they cant have then when they get it they dont want it...go figure. Dont beat yourself up Kodiak....your a good guy and she is not very smart to let you go. The grass ISNT always greener on the other side. But I have to tell you honestly....you wont get her back anytime soon. She needs to date other guys now and have HER heart broken....then she'll realize what a gem you really are. In my girls case...she doesnt know what she has in me so she is going to have to date some college guys first....and we all know how they are. Heck....I was once one myself....and I wouldnt want my daughter dating me then . Keep your head up and move upward and onward and go out and date some girls yourself. One....you might find some great girl....and two.....she will get extremely jealous. Trust me...thats a good thing.

 

DrJones...you sound like you two are doing fine...be there for her and talk with her sparingly until she wants to give you more time. Keep it slow and dont be afraid to not talk with her.....remember....she broke up with you. Sounds like you guys will get another shot. If not then you will move on, date other girls and have one hell of a friend in your ex.

[kodiak]

BACKSPN-

 

Thanks alot for your reply. I never told her that i havnt moved on, just that i missed her. She might see that as I havnt moved on but oh well. I guess I just wanted her to knw that I still think about her, thats all. I know that she has to do her own thing and date other guys, ugghhh!!!!. It sucks to think about that but when it makes me feel sick to my stomach, I think that maybe just maybe it might be the only way that she will realize what she had. You are right the grass isnt't always greener on the other side. The whole thing sucks but im trying to move on the best I can. I mean I have so much to offer to people. Im not tryingtoboost my pride but im only 24 years old, I make almost six figures a year as a fireman, and I can do just about whatever. I treated my ex great and loved her so deeply with all my heart. Overall we had a pretty great relationship and although we were only together a little less than a year, we both did things with each other that we havnt done with anyone before. I just mean that we both dated people longer but the connection wasnt nearly as strong. You know what I mean. My mom tells me that she hopes things works out for us BUT only if its meant to be. I agree with that 100%. As for you my friend, the statemnet about college guys was so funny. It killed me!!!! Dont worry college relationships dont seem to work out, its more of just flings. Im in the same boat except my ex isnt in college. I dont know if shes dating right now nor do I wann a know. somethings in life are better left unanswered. Anyways keep in touch and thanks again so much for yoru reply. This place has helped me so much. Your buddy........Kodiak

[djones]

Hey Guys,

 

I am glad to hear you all are doing well....I too agree with Kodiak, I am glad that you guys joined into this post...it helps big time to get other inputs. Kodiak you are doing fine just keep doing what you are doing with your ex...I have told my ex when we spoke last that I miss her too...so I did the same as you....I hope we all get some happyness soon....I have to go now...I will talk to you guys later

[backspn]

The thing about women is they are really smart....lot smarter than us guys. I have not told my ex that I love her and miss her in 6 months, you dont need to. They know that you miss them and love them by your actions. You calling every now and then.....sending her a card once and a while. Its not giving in....its courtship. Try and win her heart back to where you had it before. I posted somewhere else on this site about someone who told me something about 3 weeks ago when I first came on here. She said: ..."Do you know the things that make a woman fall in love and stay in love?" I had no clue til she told me.....she said: "It's when a man understands and meets her most important emotional needs". Its pretty self explanatory. Be her friend when she calls, do your own thing, and keep her in your heart.

[dugs]

Kodiak, don't worry so much about the card you sent her, it was a good gesture. Try not to over analyze everything that you say or do, or anything that she says or does...it will drive you crazy in the end. I know because I still do it some times, I go over every single conversation that we have and try to figure out if what I said was the right thing, or I try and figure out what she means by somthing she said. Its better to not think about it. Just focus on what will happen in the future.

 

As for me, the ex and I made plans to hang out tonight...I have a feeling that she is going to bail out on me though...just because she bailed last time we made plans. If she does bail tonight I don't know whether to just straight up tell her that us bein friends isn't going to work this time around either...or just play it cool and tell her to have a good night...either way if she does bail I am going to end the friendship with her because I am sick of being let down...I'll just ignore the phone calls from now on. I don't know if I made a mistake, though, when I was talkin to her. She told me to call her tonight if I wanted to hang out and I was like "Yeah we should hang out, if you want to" and she said "sure". Then I told her that I didn't want her to make plans with me if she really didn't want too because I hate it when she flakes. I said this because when we tried to be friends after we broke up she would constantly make and break plans, and thats why I quit being friends with her in the first place. Is it bad I said that?

 

Hope everybodys having a good day...

[backspn]

Sounds like she still knows she has you. You need to do the NC for a few weeks to get her attention. Not a long NC...just one so SHE calls you more....pays more attention to you. You're doing ALL the work in this....not fair to you.

[djones]

Hey Guys,

 

 

HOw are you all?....I think I mess up again...yesterday I talked to her and we were chatting and it was good and then we got into that conversation of being together etc and I stressed her out....she called me after to tell me about another problem she has this week her new house and she said in the heat oft he moment with my house and you stressing me out today, my mind is really tired.....well so I think I fu@ked guys.....but the way she ended the conversation was you have a good evening and I will talk to you later.....last night I could not sleep b/c I am waiting and thinking that she will e-mail me or call me and say she does not want to talk to me anymore or that I am pressureing her....I really was not I just got caught up in the moment with her and forgot we are just freinds and I went too far...when we were toghterh we sometimes talked/joked aboutkids marriage etc...and yesteerday I did that. and I told ehr I miss her....so now I feel like I am going to lose her now for good.....this week she has a streessfull week with getting her new house...so I figure I will do the NC and give her space....Guys I screwed up....I feel bad and awfull....I just hope she does not e-mail me or call and tell me that I am priessuring her and she does not want to talk to me....damn why did I do that....I am on pins and needles now....

[wasitheone]

Hey Drjones,

 

I don't think you have blown it as she called you back and explained there are other things on her mind. I know how you are feeling as we have to be friends with the women we love but sometimes we just want to tell them. Its our old friend time again! We have to give them space to make their own mind up.

 

I am also just entering that strange state after no contact. I havent spoken to her yet but sent several text messages. Got the feeling she was really upset last Monday as I sent her a text saying that if her phone could hug her it would but she replied saying she needs more than a hug at the moment! I know she is still seeing the other guy and is probabaly with him now so I wouldn't expect any communication with her until Monday. I am also not trying to get my hopes up too much as if nothing happens between us I will be back to square one again. As someone else said you should not have hope but faith.

 

Hang in there.

[djones]

Thanks wasitheone,

 

It seems like I have faith and hope wrapped in my heart for her....I dont know what will happen, Faith is such a hard to thing to grab on I am tring....She is worth it in my heart, I just hope that I did not push her away......