Stubborn husband might leave me

[imtooconfused]

The one person he is not turning to, is the one person he should...You..

 

Firstly, I think he is reaching out to Jenny because he obviously tells her about these events in his life. But...

 

I know I wouldn't feel comfortable "sharing" my deepest feelings with someone I don't fully trust, someone who doesn't seem to get how hurt I am over the hidden emails. Does Jenny get it? Probably, but he doesn't see it that way, for whatever reason. He is the only one who needs to understand that. No one has a clue as to what he needs to convince him of that, possibly not even himself. Moreover, walking away now would break whatever little trust that he has left in her.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Mack you dont need to go at all. Youve given some great advice.

 

I think if I walk out or ask him to leave thats a betrayal because its not what I want. He definately doesn't just talk hes been quiet. But he has told me he feels like he does not which way to turn and like what he thought he knew isn't so. He is very conflicted. Who wouldn't be. This was so out of character for me that I can see how he is questioning himself wondering how could this happen.

 

He is not the type to live like this for years I just don't think he'd put himself through that.

 

I have some responsibility to take here for the lack of communication. When this first went down I was sorry and showed it but then I got mean and started threatening him to do something already. Then I went into denial and blame shifting, then into he's having an affair and now I'm finally having sympathy and remorse for him. Maybe if I hadn't been so bitchy and mean when I didn't have him come make up with me in a week we could have patched this up by now.

 

He did suggest some of my behavior has not helped and made things worse.

[tojaz]

Jenny how is this a healthy marriage?

If this was a healthy marriage, this thread wouldn't exist!

 

There are a lot of things to handle here Jenny, but judging by his reaction to you trying to hug him, sitting him down and telling him how it is, isn't going to play well.

 

I agree with Mack that space can help, but I also see that your H is being very cautious and guarded. You moving out provides him a comfortable shelter to reinforce those defenses against all his doubt.

 

This is something I spent some time mulling over on a previous thread with a similar situation. Think about it? Why is he conflicted? Most likely he is weighing the focus of his anger (your E-mails etc.) against the history of your time together.

 

So for this portion of what your going through, there are three ways it can play out.

 

He moves out: In which case while hes thinking about it, he's not only missing out on your company but all the comforts of home that he is used to. Seems to me, that would generate a lot of perspective when someone suddenly has a very clear comparison between exactly what he would be leaving behind and the severity of your spy mission.

 

You move out: He still has a lot of thinking to do, but he has a comfortable, safe, and familiar environment to do it in. Allowing him to focus his thoughts on the issue at hand by themselves, he is more likely to see them more negatively. Plus, heaven forbid,if he decided to move forward with D, there can be certain legal disadvantages for you.

 

You both stay: You are where you are now, which is a decent position all things considered.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Good Morning-

 

All and all I feel like we are talking better and that is a reason to stay. I talked to him about us a little. I had a few things on my chest but an issue arised last evening that I had to speak up about. Please do give feedback on how I handled this.

 

John was going to drive 3 hours away to get a replacement piece of furniture. Basically a piece of our sectional got ruined by flood damage and it just so happens that same exact piece we need is being sold by a few. Well one of those is 3 hours away and etc. it just so happens its in the same area as his ex. Not that he even knows where she lives and Im the one who told him she lives there they have no contact BUT it made me super uncomfortable with my fears and current status with him.

 

Though there is a man willing to drive 3 hours there and 3 hours back on his day off to get that piece. I was upset I was even slighlty bothered but I was. So after he said he was going I said ok and then went to bed. I really got upset the more I thought so I got up and went and told him not to worry about it. But I decided to tell him why too. He actually seemed to get it. I told him though I was angry I was feeling weird about him going but I wanted to let him know it made me uncomfortable. He said nicely he just wont go then and instead will order the one other one he saw which is more expensive.

 

I felt like that was a kind response though I do feel bad for thinking anything like that but I wanted to be honest. I also asked him about his self esteem and to explain that further. He said he just can't help but wonder what he did that made me feel like I couldn't come tell him I was doing that. And he doesn't see how he could be so unaware of it going on. I made it clear to him it is NOT his fault. I made a choice to not tell him. And nothing he did made me do that. I wanted him to know he is not to blame for my poor choice.

 

I went and briefly told him my mindset and etc then. He didn't judge he just listened. I asked him if he had questions he said no. I told him that til this past week I had really never thought of his position or feelings. I just kept thinking he needs to forgive and then thinking up every reason he might not be. I never really realized how this was effecting him. I also told him I was sorry for being nasty and saying awful things because I wasn't getting my way. I told him I really was not thinking about how hurt he was I just wanted forgiveness.

 

I ended that part of the discussion on John, I'm very sorry for the things I've done and said. You have been a great husband and you didnt deserve that. I'm so sorry. He looked sad but didn't say anything he just nodded his head in agreement like as if to accept my SINCERE apology. It was the first time I truly gave him a sincere apology. I'm not sure if it will change anything but right after we went about talking about other stuff and he seemed somewhat releaved and more socialble but I don't know. Time will tell

[tojaz]

:bunny: WELL DONE JENNY!!!!!

 

 

I felt like that was a kind response though I do feel bad for thinking anything like that but I wanted to be honest.

 

Did you tell him this?

 

TOJAZ

[Yasuandio]

Bravo! You did great, Honey! I just had to chime in too! Yas

[Jennyfromtheblick]

:bunny: WELL DONE JENNY!!!!!

 

 

 

Did you tell him this?

 

TOJAZ

 

Yes I did!

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I decided to go out tonight! I thought it woukd do me good and maybe even him some good. I went with my best friends mom and her husband to the casino. Nothing bad just 7 hours of me not in the house with husband. I wasnt going to tell him where I was or etc because I thought maybe he just needs to see me doing my own thing. But I thought about how i would feel if he just went out somewhere for that long without telling me.

 

I would not like it. So I sent him a text message to tell him who I was going out with and where. He replied back okay. Lol i had fun and even won $125 and upon arriving home I said hi to him and said guess what I won $125. He said cool. I asked him what he did and he told me he went to Sears. He seemed slightly different. His voice and tone seemed softer then it was as if he was almost not as angry.

 

Maybe I am imagining but he seemed less troubled. Heres hoping!!

 

Night-

[tojaz]

I decided to go out tonight! I thought it woukd do me good and maybe even him some good. I went with my best friends mom and her husband to the casino. Nothing bad just 7 hours of me not in the house with husband. I wasnt going to tell him where I was or etc because I thought maybe he just needs to see me doing my own thing. But I thought about how i would feel if he just went out somewhere for that long without telling me.

 

I would not like it. So I sent him a text message to tell him who I was going out with and where. He replied back okay. Lol i had fun and even won $125 and upon arriving home I said hi to him and said guess what I won $125. He said cool. I asked him what he did and he told me he went to Sears. He seemed slightly different. His voice and tone seemed softer then it was as if he was almost not as angry.

 

Maybe I am imagining but he seemed less troubled. Heres hoping!!

 

Night-

 

Good call letting him know where you are going. Not only is it he polite thing to do, but it shows respect. Plus the places his mind would go if you hadn't would not work towards building trust.

 

It's definitely possible that things are starting to calm down for him Jenny, or at least he storm from your attempted snuggle has started to clear.

 

Nice Work, fingers and toes crossed for you!

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I hope things will get better. It is just so impossible for me to imagine him moving out.

 

I will NOT be attempting anymore hugs anytime soon. I think I will let it up to him to lead that role.

 

My main thing is I am constantly feeling like I need to tell him more or tell him don't go stay here and etc.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Feeling uneasy today. I'm not sure what it is but I feel scared, restless etc. I had a few words with John today. Nothing bad just asked how he was and if he wanted anything while I was out running errands and he was different. Not in a good way like I had hoped. Almost like was talking to a stranger. I had really thought things might turn around. Upon returning from errands he was gone. No text, no note zip.

 

I am aware he wanted to change his oil in his truck but needed supplies so I guess he may have done that. But I am concerned he is still in a we are done mode. Which is upsetting because I suppose I had thought maybe he would change his mind since our talk. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions and wanting a baked apple pie before I have even got the apples cored. ( my nana used to say that.lol)

 

I read an article online about Laura Munson. Something she said triggered my thought she said if her husband mowed the lawn he could leave but a guy that orders the sports package isn't going anywhere. Lol funny but made me think only because John has said not in the last month but before he was moving and wanted a divorce yet last weekend he upgraded our cable to fet more movie channels. An very small yet odd thing for a fellow moving out and divorcing.

[tojaz]

Feeling uneasy today. I'm not sure what it is but I feel scared, restless etc. I had a few words with John today. Nothing bad just asked how he was and if he wanted anything while I was out running errands and he was different. Not in a good way like I had hoped. Almost like was talking to a stranger. I had really thought things might turn around. Upon returning from errands he was gone. No text, no note zip.

 

I am aware he wanted to change his oil in his truck but needed supplies so I guess he may have done that. But I am concerned he is still in a we are done mode. Which is upsetting because I suppose I had thought maybe he would change his mind since our talk. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions and wanting a baked apple pie before I have even got the apples cored. ( my nana used to say that.lol)

 

I read an article online about Laura Munson. Something she said triggered my thought she said if her husband mowed the lawn he could leave but a guy that orders the sports package isn't going anywhere. Lol funny but made me think only because John has said not in the last month but before he was moving and wanted a divorce yet last weekend he upgraded our cable to fet more movie channels. An very small yet odd thing for a fellow moving out and divorcing.

 

Jenny, this is a marathon, not a sprint!

The way your analyzing every little action... so is he, and his mood is going to react to that, and the weather, and the moon, and what ever else he can think of. So there's going to be up days and there's going to be not so up days, and unfortunately there's going to be a few down days too.

 

Thats what your seeing now, your riding the roller coaster. He had warmed a little and given an up day and now he's cooled and you slid down a little. He may be in a funk, he may of let himself get too close and it scared him back a little... who knows. You need to remain consistent though, just like a roller coaster, it's not about how many ups, downs, and loop de loops that matters when it's all done, it's making it to the end intact when the car finally comes to a stop. Inwardly it's going to be rough, but outwardly, consistency, even when he is not, is whats going to help to get you there.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Can you give me some assistance in the type of consistency I should maintain?

 

FYI- When he arrived home. He was short with me. I stayed friendly and asked if he needed any help with whatever he was doing to truck. He said no! He is very yes/no short with me today. Almost like he is mad at me for something new.

 

Now another question for you pros; Do I wait for him to see if he preps to move out?, do I ask him if he still is planning on it?, do I wait and see what happens in the next few weeks? I'm thinking to let things go for now and see. I feel like if I go ask him it may just be pushing him for a answer. I'm not sure if I am dumb or just wishful but I just don't forsee him actually going.

 

I'm really unhinged today so I'll be learking on here for help

[Oberfeldwebel]

I know this has been a tough on you and has obviously been stressful. You still don't really seem to have a plan forward and just reacting to what is happening day to day. This makes things even more strained and not any closer to a resolution. He is right about one thing, this is not working and needs to change. You can choose to continue your current path out of fear or decide to reclaim your life. These are some things for you to consider.

 

1. Create a plan for moving forward. This plan should have defined timelines and goals. What you did was foolish, but he can't punish you forever for this action. His actions are just as destructive to the relationship at this point.

2. Set up counselling for you two. He can choose to participate or not, but he was give an opportunity. If he decides not to participate, then you will need to go to more drastic measures.

3. Constructive Separation - this is meant as a means of gaining perspective for both of you. This separation should be for a defined period and would include a period of no contact, a period for dating and rebuilding trust and a period of bonding (intimacy, including sex). This should all culminate in moving back in together in a stronger relationship.

 

He may not know what he wants at this time and does not trust you, but doing nothing is not working either. Time for action is now.

[tojaz]

Can you give me some assistance in the type of consistency I should maintain?

 

Just consistent in your actions. If he's on an up day, don't jump at it as an opportunity to further things along, and if it's a down day, don't panic and try to bring him up to where you want him to be or get angry and lash back at him out of frustration. Even if he does that to you. Does that make sense?

 

 

Now another question for you pros; Do I wait for him to see if he preps to move out?, do I ask him if he still is planning on it?, do I wait and see what happens in the next few weeks? I'm thinking to let things go for now and see. I feel like if I go ask him it may just be pushing him for a answer. I'm not sure if I am dumb or just wishful but I just don't forsee him actually going.

 

I'm really unhinged today so I'll be learking on here for help

 

I would say let that one slide and write it off as him talking out of anger and frustration until he gives you signs otherwise. Don't poke a sleeping bear when things are so fragile.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Just consistent in your actions. If he's on an up day, don't jump at it as an opportunity to further things along, and if it's a down day, don't panic and try to bring him up to where you want him to be or get angry and lash back at him out of frustration. Even if he does that to you. Does that make sense?

 

 

 

 

I would say let that one slide and write it off as him talking out of anger and frustration until he gives you signs otherwise. Don't poke a sleeping bear when things are so fragile.

 

TOJAZ

 

Makes sense! I think they are angry words. My dad is concerned though and likes to pass his concern to me. He has said that but he has yet to show any signs. Infact like I mentioned he ordered for movie networks for our tv. He has not moved anything anywhere, or taken any money from our account. All things he would have to do.

 

IYHO's or in your experiences have any of you seen, been or known of a husband who "is moving out at such and such a date" and then change mind? Or maybe even things change and get better. I know every situation is different but it is helpful to hear hope where things look so-so

[Yasuandio]

I don't know what Tojaz or Mack would say about this. But I hate to see you so worried and imaging this or that scenerio. It reminds me of Allie. Why not just tell him your honest fear? For example:

 

"John, I need to tell you something. I have been afraid. (pause). I have been frightened, and scared out of my mind that you are going to pack up and move out of the house. (period - don't talk, listen)."

 

Whatta does everyone think? Yea or Nay?

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I know I am stressing over every little thing this weekend. I almost can't help myself. I think us actually talking got me fired up and I must be expecting insult results.

 

He said he was moving out in May. That was during angry talk but he said it. Maybe I do need to just ask. Fear is keeping me from asking. I think I'm also praying I can change his mind by acting like the wife he married again instead of a rageing mad women

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Decided to just ask John! He said he is moving out in May and filing for divorce. He doesn't think its fair to either of us to wait for him to get over this. He says he just can't trust me!

 

no desire for marriage counseling or anything. He was pretty matter of fact about it. He says he has no plans as to where he is going to go and hasn't looked.

 

It did get heated. Mostly because I'm upset this isnt what I want and I just don't want to accept it

 

HELP wtf do I do or is there anything I can do?

[tojaz]

Decided to just ask John! He said he is moving out in May and filing for divorce. He doesn't think its fair to either of us to wait for him to get over this. He says he just can't trust me!

 

no desire for marriage counseling or anything. He was pretty matter of fact about it. He says he has no plans as to where he is going to go and hasn't looked.

 

It did get heated. Mostly because I'm upset this isnt what I want and I just don't want to accept it

 

HELP wtf do I do or is there anything I can do?

 

GRRRRRRRRR LS really needs to develop an Android app.

 

First Jenny, calm down, I don't know what will happen next, but I do know that letting things get heated is not going to help! Regardless of what happens, you have to keep calm and keep your head in the game. Leave him be!!!

 

So what happens in May that made him pick that date?

Did he say he was going to file in May as well or is that something he was planning on doing soon?

 

IYHO's or in your experiences have any of you seen, been or known of a husband who "is moving out at such and such a date" and then change mind? Or maybe even things change and get better. I know every situation is different but it is helpful to hear hope where things look so-so

 

There are success stories Jenny, I wish i could say they were commonplace, but it does happen. There have been stories where the spouse moved out and then moved back as well. It can and does happen!

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

May is our apt rent renewal day! He told me to stop talking its harrasment! He doesnt want to talk to me anymore.

 

This really is dreadful! Im chasing a broken horse it seems

Edited February 25, 2013 by Jennyfromtheblick
Added comment

[tojaz]

May is our apt rent renewal day! He told me to stop talking its harrasment! He doesnt want to talk to me anymore.

 

Its harassment??!! Thats a new one. Leave him be, like he's not even there. Give yourself some time to settle too, do something other then focus on this for awhile, even if it's just for the night. Bad things happen when we let the pressure get to us. Catch your breathe and pick it up again tomorrow.

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Catch your breathe and pick it up again tomorrow.

 

I mean thinking about it, not trying to interact with him

[Jennyfromtheblick]

He told me he doesn't love me! :-(

[Jennyfromtheblick]

He called his friend to come over I think thinking they would scare me into shutting up because they were there and I would probably not talk about it with them. WRONG!! they tried to mediate and believe it or not were so kind and really tried to talk to him about not throwing in the towel. He fought them tooth and nail on every point. He just isnt willing to do anything. He wants peace and wants to resolve ( end) things like adults but I cant do that. My hurt is ruling me and it doesn't feel like being adult and discussing divorce. It feels like its just to benefit him.

 

His friends that came picked up on a few odd things too like how he does some talking around/double talk etc. they are both actually police officers (off duty) who work a lot in the school he teaches at so you'd think he would be inclined to listen but he wasn't! They helped but they obviously made no headway with him. Im going to go to family's for a few nights. Give him some space to just sit here and think. I have no hopes he will change his mind he seems final.

 

His one buddy said that he doesn't buy he has made up his mind to leave or divorce. He said he thinks John is trying to convince himself of that. They really pushed for him to see a counselor but I know he won't. The one friend told me to get Love Dare and just give it all I got till he goes of trying to make it work so I can say I tried. Of course he said to prepare myself for the end.

 

They both think it's worth fighting for. I don't know if after hearing him say he feels no love for me that I can fight. Just to get John to answer they had to ask like 5 times. He seemed to avoid it.

 

Not sure if their work experience comes into play here as they aren't street police officers as so much as DARE officers but heres praying