Stubborn husband might leave me

[tojaz]

Keeping my heart open to this new communication and really wanting it to be the opener. He is not starting most the talk but he is at least talking. He is guarded I can sense that. As if he is trying not to talk to much. He is also being very sober, stone faced. He is not really showing emotion.

 

I am very cautious too I just dont know what to do to make things better.

 

Jenny, it's always been my experience that trying to "do" anything to make things better usually end up having it blow up in their face. It's tough advice to take because anyone going through this has that nagging instinct that if they aren't actively "doing" something, then they are going backwards.

 

The best thing you can do is exactly what your already doing. Keeping yourself open to him, not pushing him, but keeping him on the same path and just taking what he's willing to give... for now. It's a slow process Jenny, and there are going to be plenty of ups and downs. Just keep hanging on.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

John and I are talking a tad more. He's told me he is feeling very uneasy toward me and trusting me scares him. He says seeing those words typed sickens him still. Yikes I can't even imagine how awful that must be.

 

When I was in school my ex cheated on me with my dormmate and she put on my lingerie and they had sex in my bed. That sickened me so much I had to move. That picture was burned in my head.

[tojaz]

John and I are talking a tad more. He's told me he is feeling very uneasy toward me and trusting me scares him. He says seeing those words typed sickens him still. Yikes I can't even imagine how awful that must be.

 

When I was in school my ex cheated on me with my dormmate and she put on my lingerie and they had sex in my bed. That sickened me so much I had to move. That picture was burned in my head.

 

I can relate to your H on this Jenny, it's been years, but I could probably still recite the letters between my now ex and her "friend" from when I found them. It's not something one gets past quickly.

 

The fact that he is willing to talk about it is a good sign though, and it sounds like you have a little new appreciation for what he's experiencing to. Keeping that communication going will be important.

 

TOJAZ

[Yasuandio]

John and I are talking a tad more. He's told me he is feeling very uneasy toward me and trusting me scares him. He says seeing those words typed sickens him still. Yikes I can't even imagine how awful that must be.

 

When I was in school my ex cheated on me with my dormmate and she put on my lingerie and they had sex in my bed. That sickened me so much I had to move. That picture was burned in my head.

 

He describes how he feels in a simple way - yet, it effectively conveys what he's going through. I understand his position now - even if it has been four months. Yes, when you look at this from his point of view (and in the context of your own terrible experience), you get that it is going to take time and patience. He probably cannot imaging those types of language coming from your mouth - and he is stunned. Jenny - you are gonna have to give him a lot of time. You have to hold your head down for some more time too. You have shamed yourself - so you must act ashamed, I'm afraid.

 

Sorry honey. Surface wise, before, I didn't think it was such a big deal after these four months. But after you typed his words - my position has drastically changed. What about you? Do you feel any differntly since he is opening up?

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Oh I certainly do feel different! Sometimes I need to hear an explanation to really understand, and I do understand. I can relate. I do feel this will take time too.

 

He says he feels inadequate right now and that it has affected his ego. I can understand that as well.

[Yasuandio]

Oh I certainly do feel different! Sometimes I need to hear an explanation to really understand, and I do understand. I can relate. I do feel this will take time too.

 

He says he feels inadequate right now and that it has affected his ego. I can understand that as well.

 

I really think you are getting some forward movement here -even though it "sounds" bleek. I am happy you seem to be handling it better. Keep your chin up, "and your head down for awhile longer." Good luck honey. We are here for you! Yas

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I read over Allie's post and John is similar to her husband with the insecurity. John did mention this has made him unconfident as well. He was always very confident prior. And the self esteem issue too. I had no idea the affects my betrayal caused. I do feel shamed.

 

Is there a way to help raise the self esteem we had such a part in hindering?

[tojaz]

I read over Allie's post and John is similar to her husband with the insecurity. John did mention this has made him unconfident as well. He was always very confident prior. And the self esteem issue too. I had no idea the affects my betrayal caused. I do feel shamed.

 

Is there a way to help raise the self esteem we had such a part in hindering?

 

The fact that he's willing to talk so openly about this puts you miles ahead of Allies situation, just for reference. Her H has for the most part been like speaking to a stump from how she describes it.

 

There are ways to help him with his self esteem Jenny, but first he has to be willing to open up to things changing and interaction with you. Once a strong foundation is restored, then you can build on it.

 

Also, in an effort to relate to him, don't let yourself carry all the burden here. You made a mistake, and yes it was a blow to him, his trust, and his self esteem, but looking at how he has reacted, there were already issues in those areas for him, an are that was already tender that this action inflamed.... just keep doing what your doing!

 

TOJAZ

[imtooconfused]

I read over Allie's post and John is similar to her husband with the insecurity. John did mention this has made him unconfident as well. He was always very confident prior. And the self esteem issue too. I had no idea the affects my betrayal caused. I do feel shamed.

 

Is there a way to help raise the self esteem we had such a part in hindering?

 

Only partially is your husband lacking confidence in himself. The other part is that he likely has the feeling that you don't have confidence in him. You need to build his trust that you need him and rely on him, but like I said previously, you can tell him this with words all you want and it will not sink in. You have to show him. How can you do this? By asking for his help when you are in the middle of something too big for you to handle. Show him that you are vulnerable and need him to finish some job/project. Find situations where he is more expert than you are and make him help you.

 

Yes I said "make him" help. If he still has anger, he may be less than interested in helping you, but this is where you need to be somewhat forceful. Let him know that you recognize that he is better at that task and that you are overwhelmed. That you couldn't finish the job without him. That he is important to you at that very moment. That you can't complete the job without him. Without starting an argument, don't let him back out. When you finish the project together, thank him for his help. Again recognize his importance to you.

 

I am sure you can think of things on which to engage his help. Start out small at first, then build to more complicated projects. I admit, it's a way to game his emotions, but it will feed into his natural tendencies to be a protector and provider. As he learns that you have faith in him, he will regain the faith he has in himself.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

How funny you mention projects. I got a armoire today via Ups and I actually need help with putting it together. I think sometimes those directions are made for robots to understand. He put it all together for me and I made sure I complimented him because he did a fantastic job.

 

In talking with my Mom today she said the famous "if its meant to be it will be". Do you all believe this? I hope this is true.

 

Husband came home from work today and found me in laundry room to tell me about his day. He is a teacher so he has lots of excitement. I am not certain if this is a good sign or just normal stuff but he shared his day. He is still in guest room and I do except he will be there for a bit.

 

He is somewhat shy with me other than our 30 min chat. But I will take it.

[tojaz]

How funny you mention projects. I got a armoire today via Ups and I actually need help with putting it together. I think sometimes those directions are made for robots to understand. He put it all together for me and I made sure I complimented him because he did a fantastic job.

 

In talking with my Mom today she said the famous "if its meant to be it will be". Do you all believe this? I hope this is true.

 

Husband came home from work today and found me in laundry room to tell me about his day. He is a teacher so he has lots of excitement. I am not certain if this is a good sign or just normal stuff but he shared his day. He is still in guest room and I do except he will be there for a bit.

 

He is somewhat shy with me other than our 30 min chat. But I will take it.

 

If it's meant to be it will be. One of the favorite expressions because there is absolutely no way for that statement to be false. I also like it because it allows you to take the burden off of your shoulders for awhile.

 

I have to say that so far your still making all the right moves, especially letting him come to you. The worst thing you can do right now is panic and try to rush things!

 

Him coming to you is a good sign, you want him to feel comfortable around you and know that the marriage isn't all that is on the agenda whenever you find yourselves in a room together. It becomes a fine line. You obviously want to steadily work towards a resolution, but you don't want it to be a constant bombardment for him. Your doing a great job with that.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Shortly after writing my last post I got myself in a real pickle. I tried to get husband to give some huggy stuff. He was anything but interested and almost was sickened I think by my interest in being huggy/cuddly on the sofa. In my defense I don't know what the hell I was thinking.

 

He got mad and so did I. His rejection and sour faced expression turned me fuming. We exchanged some words: (him: why are you doing that when you know how thats not my interest right now? Me: ummm Hello we are married!!! What is your problem? Him: do you need to ask? Me: screw you A$$!) I overreacted but then he said very calmy I think I need to move out, this is not working right now. I said probably every curse word and he kept rashional and just said Jen, please get a grip! This is not working right now and I think it would best if I go.

 

I stormed in my room and have been crying and freaking out. What can I do? I don't want him to go. When I went back out in living area he was on pc doing bills and I pulled myself together and said I hope you aren't mad I spent so much money today on Ethan ( little neighbor boy is very sick) he replied " whats the difference it's just going to get pissed away anyway, mid-as-well be on something worthwhile.

 

What the hell does that even mean? I did not stick around because I thought I'm in a bad place and I have a foul mouth tonight so I came to bed. I can not sleep though John isn't one to threaten things. So if he says he is leaving he is leaving. I could see in his eyes how uncomfortable it made him and I don't know why I forced myself on him.

 

Funny thing is I am now all cried out. I feel like I have no more tears to cry and I'm ready to give up. Do I go plea with him not to leave. I don't see desperate working with him. Why when I get so mad do I cuss at him? He hates that and I've said I won't do it but I do it everytime. He finds it very disrespectful. And he is right it is, but I get so mad lately because I feel like I'm getting nowhere.

[Mack05]

I think Jenny the key thing here is not to beat yourself up about losing your cool. After months of no affection, I would have lost it too. You are a human being with emotions. These emotions have been building and building inside. It was only a matter of time before there was a showdown. Indeed I am amazed you have kept this bottled up for 4 months.

 

The sad thing here is there is nothing you can do. This showdown was always going to happen. It's clear he is not going to get over this in a hurry. I have said on this thread before that space is probably the best thing for you both now and that you should move out. It gives you and especially him, time to reflect. Him suggesting to move out does not surprise me in the least and he has probably been thinking of this for awhile now.

 

If I were you I would tell him how much you love him, how sorry you are and how you will always be available for reconciliation. I would then be the one that offers to move out. I would tell him "I was the one that made the mistake. I should go". You being the one to leave is an important gesture I feel. Then leave without any drama. Hopefully you can stay with your mother for the forseeable future. You will need to wait for him to come to you and that will be by far the worst part.

 

He may decide in this time apart to forgive you and give it another go OR he may decide to move forward with his life. I hope he stays, but you may have to accept the harsh reality that this marriage may be over. Some people have different thresholds and while I am sure you are thinking if it were the other way round you would forgive him, he feels very differently and you have to respect that.

 

This is about to get REAL hard, but it is the only thing you can do to save your marriage right now. Give him space...

Edited February 21, 2013 by Mack05

[tojaz]

Shortly after writing my last post I got myself in a real pickle. I tried to get husband to give some huggy stuff. He was anything but interested and almost was sickened I think by my interest in being huggy/cuddly on the sofa. In my defense I don't know what the hell I was thinking.

 

You were thinking that you missed the intimacy between you and your husband. Your going through a rough time right now, needed a hug and went where you usually would to get it.

 

He got mad and so did I. His rejection and sour faced expression turned me fuming. We exchanged some words: (him: why are you doing that when you know how thats not my interest right now? Me: ummm Hello we are married!!! What is your problem? Him: do you need to ask? Me: screw you A$$!) I overreacted but then he said very calmy I think I need to move out, this is not working right now. I said probably every curse word and he kept rashional and just said Jen, please get a grip! This is not working right now and I think it would best if I go.

 

This is what I was talking about when I said you would have to walk a fine line, you moved too fast for him and he's back to defenses up.

 

I stormed in my room and have been crying and freaking out. What can I do? I don't want him to go. When I went back out in living area he was on pc doing bills and I pulled myself together and said I hope you aren't mad I spent so much money today on Ethan ( little neighbor boy is very sick) he replied " whats the difference it's just going to get pissed away anyway, mid-as-well be on something worthwhile.

 

What the hell does that even mean? I did not stick around because I thought I'm in a bad place and I have a foul mouth tonight so I came to bed. I can not sleep though John isn't one to threaten things. So if he says he is leaving he is leaving. I could see in his eyes how uncomfortable it made him and I don't know why I forced myself on him.

 

OK, damage control. It's good you separated yourself when things got heated. Apologize to him and tell him your sorry and that you know that it was too soon and that you just miss that sort of thing and must of just started out of habit. Let him know that you didn't mean to push and remind him that this is hard on you too and your going to have your slip ups as well..... but your trying. Regardless of how he reacts STAY CALM!

 

Funny thing is I am now all cried out. I feel like I have no more tears to cry and I'm ready to give up. Do I go plea with him not to leave. I don't see desperate working with him. Why when I get so mad do I cuss at him? He hates that and I've said I won't do it but I do it everytime. He finds it very disrespectful. And he is right it is, but I get so mad lately because I feel like I'm getting nowhere.

Don't beg him not to leave, If he does, it's not the end of the world, and may actually work out in your favor, but I would not suggest that you be the one to offer to leave.

 

Hopefully things will calm down and you both can work through this without any damage done.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Are there any signs he's really planning on going or could it be angry talk?

 

Should I tell him I don't want him to go? I know don't beg.

[Mack05]

Are there any signs he's really planning on going or could it be angry talk?

 

Should I tell him I don't want him to go? I know don't beg.

 

You said yourself Jenny he just doesn't say things. He has probably been thinking like this for awhile. I agree with Tojaz on many things BUT I feel you should make a gesture and offer to move out, but really this comes down to you.

 

I really think space is the best option. I don't believe staying quite and hoping he doesn't go is the answer. That is just delaying the inevitable. The rest of Tojaz advice I agree with. Don't tip toe around this.

 

Talk about being apart for awhile. Just be clear you love him and are willing to do anything to save your marriage..

[tojaz]

Are there any signs he's really planning on going or could it be angry talk?

 

Should I tell him I don't want him to go? I know don't beg.

 

Your really the only one that can answer that Jenny, it could very well be him just talking. Not just out of anger, but frustration. It may have just been something he knew would scare you back to a safe distance. If he was serious, you will know more soon.

 

It's very easy for a well thought out speech to become pleading when things take a bad turn, I wouldn't risk it. He knows how you feel Jenny, there's not much your going to add to that.

 

If you feel the need to say something, I would tell him that you know you pushed too far and that your sorry, and that it's not necessary for him to leave while you both try to sort things out, but that you will understand if he feels the need to. Then like I said, remind him that this situation is awkward for you as well and that it's ok for him to let you know if your getting too close and that you will respect his boundaries.

 

If he still wants to go, then don't resist him, it will only reinforce his feeling that he needs to get away. Like I said that may actually work in your favor.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Literally my heart hurts! I feel crazy, confused and so sad! I try to think about what John is going through; his hurt, his pain.

 

I just don't know what to do. He doesnt say hello in the am, or cya when he goes it makes me hurt. Hes not rude he just does his thing. Its clear after many months his hurt is so deep. Yet I'm not sure how to help him get past it if he can.

 

He told me last night his stomach is a mess. I told him I think its his nerves and the stress. I need help! I really don't want to see a therapist because I have and frankly they all have different "opinions" they don't have an answer or really know what to tell me but they all differ in their thoughts.

 

I need advice to how am I to interact with John. I don't want to act "as if" everything is ok, or like life is falling apart but I don't know how I can act that I can help him.

 

No more mention of moving but I'm to afraid to ask if he meant it. I just need help helping John.

[tojaz]

Literally my heart hurts! I feel crazy, confused and so sad! I try to think about what John is going through; his hurt, his pain.

 

I just don't know what to do. He doesnt say hello in the am, or cya when he goes it makes me hurt. Hes not rude he just does his thing. Its clear after many months his hurt is so deep. Yet I'm not sure how to help him get past it if he can.

 

He told me last night his stomach is a mess. I told him I think its his nerves and the stress. I need help! I really don't want to see a therapist because I have and frankly they all have different "opinions" they don't have an answer or really know what to tell me but they all differ in their thoughts.

 

I need advice to how am I to interact with John. I don't want to act "as if" everything is ok, or like life is falling apart but I don't know how I can act that I can help him.

 

No more mention of moving but I'm to afraid to ask if he meant it. I just need help helping John.

 

At the risk of sounding very simplistic, John needs to figure some things out for himself. Until he figures out what he wants, you can't really do anymore then what you are doing without risking it being perceived as pressuring, grandstanding, or manipulative.

 

He's going to need a little space to do that. Rather then me telling you to "give" him that space, I'm going to say to "let him take" that space. It sounds like he still communicates with you fairly well from past posts, and you want that to continue, but when he feels that things are too close and wants to back away, let him. Once he's moving in a direction, you will be able to do more.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

We do communicate well. I can tell depending on his mood if I can ask him or not stuff. If I know he had a bad day then I usually don't bring anything up and I just keep things light.

 

I'm planning on sitting down with him Saturday evening and talking. As long as it feels right.

 

It is hard to feel any hope when he just simply acts like I am his roommate. It's like he no longer has love for me. My mom thinks he is just consumed with emotion and trying to get through. John refuses to do anything with me or family. If it involves anything that isn't necessary he doesn't leave home.

 

Is it likely he is this way because he is so unhappy? Wonder if I'm the problem he is so unhappy? I know I am but I mean having to live with me. I wonder if that is why he is miserable

[Mack05]

We do communicate well. I can tell depending on his mood if I can ask him or not stuff. If I know he had a bad day then I usually don't bring anything up and I just keep things light.

 

 

Jenny how is this a healthy marriage? When you have to pick and choose when you can talk to your partner?

 

I get that he is hurting and I know you feel guilty, but how much longer are you going to live your life like this? I think the problem here is you are too scared to confront all this because you fear what the outcome might be.

 

Your thinking if I can hang in there he might slowly come around. Tip toeing around the issue and waiting for him will NOT work. It will not work. Eventually another fight will happen and things will get said in the heat of the moment (you have seen this). The potential for things to get explosive increases dramatically and this will only make things awhole lot worse. You both need to communicate with a cool head.

 

You can't live your life because you are scared about what might happen. That is a sure fire way for the things you are scared about, to actually happen.

 

You need to might this head on. He may leave but what your doing now will work out worse in the long run. You need to take the initiative here. I have said this what feels like a million times you both need to have space. Ask him Saturday about leaving.

 

Talk about EVERYTHING as I mentioned already on this thread.

[imtooconfused]

What is your problem? Him: do you need to ask?

 

He is still feeling hurt and in return you blast him with anger. I am starting to flip opinions on this one. I think he is honestly trying to sort out his feelings and has no clue how he wants to feel. But being around someone who is pushing his envelope and pressuring for a resolution does not allow him to see things clearly. This is why he feels like he has to get away.

 

Many of the respondents said that he will come around, but it will be at his pace. It sounded like he was coming around, but as a result... back into the shell. If there is anything good about what happened, it doesn't sound like he returned fire with a lot of anger in return. Simply back into the shell.

 

Honestly, do you really need to ask what the problem is? So why force him to relive his pain? It seems like you say that you want things to work out but are not willing to wait for that to happen. I understand you are anxious, but don't be anxious to have him reveal his feelings because he probably doesn't know what they are yet. If you sincerely care, be available for him but let him advance at his pace, not yours.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Jenny how is this a healthy marriage? When you have to pick and choose when you can talk to your partner?

 

I get that he is hurting and I know you feel guilty, but how much longer are you going to live your life like this? I think the problem here is you are too scared to confront all this because you fear what the outcome might be.

 

Your thinking if I can hang in there he might slowly come around. Tip toeing around the issue and waiting for him will NOT work. It will not work. Eventually another fight will happen and things will get said in the heat of the moment (you have seen this). The potential for things to get explosive increases dramatically and this will only make things awhole lot worse. You both need to communicate with a cool head.

 

You can't live your life because you are scared about what might happen. That is a sure fire way for the things you are scared about, to actually happen.

 

You need to might this head on. He may leave but what your doing now will work out worse in the long run. You need to take the initiative here. I have said this what feels like a million times you both need to have space. Ask him Saturday about leaving.

 

Talk about EVERYTHING as I mentioned already on this thread.

 

Mack- you seem frustrated with me! Why? I am not going to ask hin to leave! I'm sorry you don't agree with that but I'm looking for advice and you gave some great advice. But if my own mom tells me to ask him to leave I'm not going to because it isnt what I want. I'm sorry your annoyed but I have to do what I feel is best. At this time I disagree with that.

Hope you can understand

[Jennyfromtheblick]

He is still feeling hurt and in return you blast him with anger. I am starting to flip opinions on this one. I think he is honestly trying to sort out his feelings and has no clue how he wants to feel. But being around someone who is pushing his envelope and pressuring for a resolution does not allow him to see things clearly. This is why he feels like he has to get away.

 

Many of the respondents said that he will come around, but it will be at his pace. It sounded like he was coming around, but as a result... back into the shell. If there is anything good about what happened, it doesn't sound like he returned fire with a lot of anger in return. Simply back into the shell.

 

Honestly, do you really need to ask what the problem is? So why force him to relive his pain? It seems like you say that you want things to work out but are not willing to wait for that to happen. I understand you are anxious, but don't be anxious to have him reveal his feelings because he probably doesn't know what they are yet. If you sincerely care, be available for him but let him advance at his pace, not yours.

 

 

I actually 100% agree with you. I have pushed him quite a bit! He has been kind and only a few times said angry things. I have been mean and cruel many times. I know many think leave him or kick him out but to me it isnt loving to do that nor is it loving to be mean and hateful like I have been. I do get I cant live like this forever and I won't.

 

It isnt that I tip toe so much with him as I'm trying not to cause him more stress as his job is very stressful right now and is in danger of possibly being cut plus he just started mentoring some troubled kids and its been affecting him to hear one is suicidle so he has been stressed.

[Mack05]

I actually 100% agree with you. I have pushed him quite a bit! He has been kind and only a few times said angry things. I have been mean and cruel many times. I know many think leave him or kick him out but to me it isnt loving to do that nor is it loving to be mean and hateful like I have been. I do get I cant live like this forever and I won't.

 

It isnt that I tip toe so much with him as I'm trying not to cause him more stress as his job is very stressful right now and is in danger of possibly being cut plus he just started mentoring some troubled kids and its been affecting him to hear one is suicidle so he has been stressed.

 

Jenny the striking thing here is despite the fact that he is going through a tough time -> What happened with you, stress in is job, and a kid he grew close to taking his life. The one person he is not turning to, is the one person he should...You..

 

Leaving isn't cruel or mean. A relationship can only work with TWO participants. Right now it only has one. The damage is becoming greater and greater the longer this goes on.

 

I truly believe the best solution for you both is space right now. I would talk to him about you leaving and asking what he thinks. I would make it clear that leaving is the last thing that you want to do. I would explain to him that you love him and would do anything to save the marriage. But the right now, you feel all that you are doing is hurting him and adding to his hurt by being around him and pushing him.

 

I will leave your thread as clearly you feel you want to go in a different direction. That is fine. This is not a black and white situation. No definite right or wrong way. I don't know your husband or what he is thinking. I can just offer you an opinion.

 

I really wish you well. We all make mistakes. Hopefully this mistake doesn't cost your marriage