Stubborn husband might leave me

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Yasaundio I do have a sharp tongue but only towards him. Its weird i go from zero to 99 in a second. Makes me look insane!

[Yasuandio]

Yasaundio I do have a sharp tongue but only towards him. Its weird i go from zero to 99 in a second. Makes me look insane!

 

It is because he know exactly which buttons to push. He installed them, my dear.

 

The same thing happened to me - I looked like a madwoman - I said and did some very creative things that were damn near close to criminal. And I really am a kind, gentle creature who would hurt no one. But he could really bring the devil out of me.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

To be honest all the fights we have had these months Ihave startedhe hasnt really even said much but when it hasnt been lets reconcile I flip.

[Mack05]

To be honest all the fights we have had these months Ihave startedhe hasnt really even said much but when it hasnt been lets reconcile I flip.

 

Jenny flipping out, calling people names is not emotionally 'mature' behaviour. I know you and Yasa won't agree with this, but in my opinion lashing out cause you have lost your cool and then making excuses for it, is not good enough.

 

I used to do it. I found that it deeply upset my partner, so I have learnt to stop. It's one of my proudest achievements. I proved you can reprogram yourself if the desire is there. Screaming never get's a message across. If someone screams at me I calmly leave the room and say I will only communicate when I have an chance to express my opinion (and vice versa) and I am not being screamed at.

 

If someone continually presses your buttons u make it clear you won't tolerate it. If they continue you leave.

 

You are not going to get your way in the near future. A sure sign of maturity and strength is saying nothing and walking away. If you need to let it all out, you beat the crap of a punchbag in the gym. Go somewhere quiet and leave out a HUGE roar. Just don't flip out at him!

 

We know he has issues. You are not going to be able to help with those issues if you are lashing out cause things ain't going your way. Objective one get him to counselling. Now we need to come up with Plan A to Z to get him there while you are in the house..

Edited February 27, 2013 by Mack05

[Yasuandio]

To be honest all the fights we have had these months Ihave startedhe hasnt really even said much but when it hasnt been lets reconcile I flip.

 

You are flipping because he is witholding something from you. He is witholding a resolution to this problem you've encountered. He is holding it over your head - that it could possibly be a deal-breaker, or not. He doesn't have to say anything to make you flip. Non-participation in a conversation is enough to make someone flip. You are walking on eggshells, analyzing every word, movement, expression. And it is maybe this, and maybe that. Meanwhile your entire life as you know it to be is on hold, up in the air, up to his mercy. It would piss off anyone.

 

He knows it, and you psyche is responding to it. It is very difficult, but as Mack said, but you can train yourself not to react. NC is where it is easiest to gain this strength - especially if you are away from him. That is why some of us are pro-NC for you, it will help you tremendously in containing yourself. It is not a total solution to be away however. You have to contain yourself while you are away. No calls, emails, texts, druken-dialing, no drive-bys, etc.

 

Just some ideas here. But Mack is right. Maybe anyone would get pist. But there is no excuse for what comes from our mouth when we get pist. Two wrongs do not make a right. And words sting. You have to contain yourself if you are going back. You have to SHUT-UP, SHUT-UP, SHUT-UP. Be silent. Only listen. Don't react. It is the only way. Otherwise, you will nail the coffin shut - like you did with that "gay" comment.

Edited February 27, 2013 by Yasuandio

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Your both right! My issue to is I try and goat him into reacting. The night his cop buddies came he kept saying if you arent going to talk to me in a positive way then please dont talk.

 

Thing was I was getting mad he wouldnt try to work on things and just kept saying no its over blah blah....

 

No excuse for my behavior but it was so frustrating.

 

This is where I have my biggest issue: dealing with his rejection! I dont want to accept he wants a divorce. I want to be positive but how do I know he isnt set in his decision? His buddy said and its just an opinion that he thinks if hes making excuses why he is staying as opposed to saying he still cares?

 

They told me to watch his actions more than his words too. I feel like I am preparing for the fight of my life for sure

[Mack05]

Your both right! My issue to is I try and goat him into reacting. The night his cop buddies came he kept saying if you arent going to talk to me in a positive way then please dont talk.

 

Thing was I was getting mad he wouldnt try to work on things and just kept saying no its over blah blah....

 

No excuse for my behavior but it was so frustrating.

 

This is where I have my biggest issue: dealing with his rejection! I dont want to accept he wants a divorce. I want to be positive but how do I know he isnt set in his decision? His buddy said and its just an opinion that he thinks if hes making excuses why he is staying as opposed to saying he still cares?

 

They told me to watch his actions more than his words too. I feel like I am preparing for the fight of my life for sure

 

You don't know...But right now in your head, drill it in he hasn't made his mind up and I ain't quitting on him now. Let me tell you a personal story. Hope you get the message. I was together with a girl 8 years. One night (after 3 years) she punched me hard in the face and threw every piece of jewellery I ever bought her down the drain. I did little wrong (spoke to a mate I hadn't seen in 4 years for too long and didn't pay enough attention to her in a bar one night).

 

Now an eating disorder that I didn't know about was behind all this. I decided I had enough. She begged, pleaded, cried. I told her I didn't love her anymore and wanted no part of her ever again. The next day I quit my job and 4 weeks later I flew around the world to Australia. Impulse thing but so glad I did it.

 

Despite me being on the other side of the world she never gave up. She wrote/emailed all the time. She contacted my family. She went to therapy for her eating disorder. Her mother (great woman) called me and apologised for her daughter's behaviour saying how disgusted she was with her. I wouldn't budge and more or less stayed NC. I was filled with rage. Everything she did just made me more angry.

 

I told her she was wasting her time and I asked her to STOP EMAILING ME!!!. She said I will stop all contact if you do one thing for me. I said ok, anything to get her off my back. She said meet me in Sydney on a certain night (7 months later), in a certain bar at 8pm. She promised me she wouldn't contact me (only to clarify the night before) and she kept her word.

 

I went on with my life. Australia is awesome, but found after awhile that I missed her. My anger was gone and I was never into casual hookups. By the time she came I was actually looking forward to seeing her. When I was getting ready I was saying to myself be cold be cold. Be Iceman. Give nothing away to her, remember what she did. That plan went to crap when I saw her walk in. To this day I have never seen a girl look more beautiful. Classy dress, perfect makeup, her long black hair, skin dark and tanned from travelling. Her smile with perfect white teeth..

 

I said to myself Mack old buddy you in BIG trouble. I lasted two beers before I kissed her. Amazed I lasted that long . The most passionate kiss I have ever had in my life. 1 hour later we were getting arrested outside the Sydney Opera house for...well you know!

 

One of the funniest nights I ever had. She asked what did I want to do. I said we can't just go back into a relationship. So she said she would hang round Sydney or maybe we could go travelling together. My contract in a job was up so a week later we travelled the country together.

 

We got back home a few months later and we tried again. Lasted 4 more years. We failed cause we didn't resolve our own personal issues. In truth at the time we didn't know what those issues were. We were young and foolish.

 

My point to all this Jen? See what space does? When someone is angry having you around more often than not, just makes them angrier. Add the add insults, impatience and the odd display of petulance can you see why he hasn't called?

 

If my ex didn't give me space to work through the anger we would never have tried again. Something to think about. May doesn't have to be d-day...You just need to be patient with him. To have him understand he needs to go to counselling, have him understand that throwing 10 years of marriage away is not something you do lightly.

 

Marathon, not a sprint...You will both come out of this better people with a stronger relationship..

Edited February 27, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Thank you for the vote of confidence I surely need it! I may listed some bad things about John but let me tell you the good would fill pages and our romance made everyone jealous madly in love is what we were! I think thats why it hurts so bad now

[Mack05]

Thank you for the vote of confidence I surely need it! I may listed some bad things about John but let me tell you the good would fill pages and our romance made everyone jealous madly in love is what we were! I think thats why it hurts so bad now

 

Jenny no one perfect. I know you and John are very good people. That's why I, and everyone else here wants this to work. I am sick and tired of sad stories.

[tojaz]

I feel like if I had just kept my mouth shut things may have been ok.

 

I'm still torn between wondering if he would of come around or not had i not of opened my trap. He did comment that things were going good till then. And smart assed me saying and you want to work things out and you act like this?

 

I guess I will never know because I opened it!

 

Jenny, your right... your never going to know, so why on earth do you continue to ponder it when you have so many other things that could use your attention?

 

You will never know, and even if you could, it still wouldn't change anything. Whats done is done. Time to focus on the things that you actually can do something about. Quit working yourself over for the things you can't.

 

I also want to say, since I see Mack mentioning that we disagree on some things. I want to say that I 100% agree that space can help your situation, I just don't agree with you being the one to leave solely because it puts you at a disadvantage, and you need every advantage you can get. If you return home and he decides to leave for awhile so be it. If he seemed like he was struggling with the decision, then I would have been all for you slipping away for awhile, but right now he is trying to remain resolute in what he has already said and that is a lot easier for him to do when he's comfortable in his own home, sleeping in his own bed etc. and I would imagine that it's pretty hard to be away from home at such a fragile time.

 

Ok well I got to get a grip NOW! Cause it looks like I am going to be going home in a few days so I am going to need all the help I can get here. As much as I can get over the internet! I AM GOING TO FIGHT FOR THIS MARRIAGE!

 

I need all your help!! I dont feel ready to go home but I am going to have to! I am just going to have to remember not to lose my cool and be positive!!!

 

Do not go home unannounced Jenny. You said that you were tending to pets and such while he was at work. Leave him a note tomorrow telling him that you just needed to get away for awhile to clear your head, that you are safe and will be coming home on whichever day you plan to return. No "I miss yous" No "I love yous" etc. just let him know you're coming.

 

When you get there, take your own advice, be positive, don't lose your cool, and for now, don't bring up any of the marriage stuff. I know you don't like it, but that means acting like room mates again for awhile. The hardest part is going to be resisting the urge to engage him, because your going to want to run for him every time a though pops into your head that you think will make him come around. You can do this though Jenny.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Ok im counting on you all for daily help! Im really scared to go home to him. Really scared because im not sure how to act or what do I do!

 

If he brings up the D word or moving out what do I say? Do I talk at all or just act like things are fine? Or do i not talk to him or be near him?

I need direction

 

* any reason I need to announce Im coming back?* just curious the thougt behind that

Edited February 28, 2013 by Jennyfromtheblick

[tojaz]

Ok im counting on you all for daily help! Im really scared to go home to him. Really scared because im not sure how to act or what do I do!

 

If he brings up the D word or moving out what do I say? Do I talk at all or just act like things are fine? Or do i not talk to him or be near him?

I need direction

 

* any reason I need to announce Im coming back?* just curious the thougt behind that

 

Just act like Jenny. If he brings it up, then talk, but let him set the pace. You don't have to act like things are fine... their not, but just don't jump at him when you get frustrated. You want to get back to the point you were at before the blow up. Things were tense, but you still were able to communicate, right now all lines are down.

 

Announcing your coming back is just courtesy and shows respect, and it also lets him know that your aware your entering a volatile area. Since he is on the defensive, him just coming home to find you there would probably be reacted to rather harshly, this way he knows what to expect and doesn't think your trying to pull something over on him. Leaving the note also gives you a chance for you to define what your leaving meant rather then having him interpret that in his own way.

 

I know some of this probably sounds over complicated. Remember when I said you had to also try and look at things from his perspective because he can't see them from yours? Well his version of events over the last few days is most likely very different from yours. Its to give you as easy a return as possible.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Ok so if he sits there and goes on about splitting assets and moving out and etc am i just to agree? Cause if i am to be me im going to be like nooooo lets work this out yada yada

[Jennyfromtheblick]

We were able to communicate but he was just telling me about his insecurity and etc and not saying he was moving and wanting a divorce and there wasno working things out!

[Mack05]

Ok so if he sits there and goes on about splitting assets and moving out and etc am i just to agree? Cause if i am to be me im going to be like nooooo lets work this out yada yada

 

This is why I am not crazy of you going back so soon. Various kind of scenario's may arise and you are not 100% sure how to deal with them, because right now you are way too emotional.

 

If the above rises maybe you might say "John I'm not ready to discuss these kind of things just yet"

[tojaz]

Ok so if he sits there and goes on about splitting assets and moving out and etc am i just to agree? Cause if i am to be me im going to be like nooooo lets work this out yada yada

 

Lets get you home ans settled first before we worry about all the "what if's" I doubt he's going to hit you with splitting assets so fast, he's talking a big game but has taken little action so far.

 

If he comes at you with something your not ready for, just be honest and tell him you don't feel ready to talk about that right now.

 

If he comes at you angry, tell him you will be more then happy to talk to him once he's calmed down.

 

If he tries to leave, you don't have to support him, but don't try and stop him either.

 

I'm not saying to support anything you don't want Jenny, but from how you describe it, it sounds to me like he's trying to stay angry (to be fair, I'm going to admit that I'm trying to read ahead from patterns from a similar story) The easiest way for him to stay angry is to pick a fight, and past experience tells him that you will bite. So, if you avoid that and don't give him the fight, then he has a harder time justifying his anger. Which means he has to think about it and process it for himself.

 

Make sense?

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Ok i understand! But thus far he hasnt picked any fights its been me going to him! Bad Jenny!!!

 

He did bring up assets Sunday night but only cause I said how do you think things are going to work with our cars and then he said then I flipped my lid! Again though it was already heated but as of yet he has done nothing I know of other than he in anger mentioned seperate maintenance and I said I had no clue and he said see you dont as much about the law as you think. I was telling him hes pay half of both cars and he said no hes not etc

[tojaz]

Ok i understand! But thus far he hasnt picked any fights its been me going to him! Bad Jenny!!!

 

You have a hand in things Jenny, and you've fessed up to having a pretty quick fuse, but its ridiculously easy to start a fight and let the other person think they did. You'll see bitter, nasty, posters do it on this board all the time, and it just gets easier if you have an intimate knowledge of what buttons to press. Yes, you pushed him more then you should, but from your description, his reaction wasn't exactly spontaneous either, they were done for effect. When both sides let loose, its hard to tell who fired the first shot.

 

He did bring up assets Sunday night but only cause I said how do you think things are going to work with our cars and then he said then I flipped my lid! Again though it was already heated but as of yet he has done nothing I know of other than he in anger mentioned seperate maintenance and I said I had no clue and he said see you dont as much about the law as you think. I was telling him hes pay half of both cars and he said no hes not etc

 

Well as I'm sure you already could guess, asking him probably isn't going to be advisable. I will say that although the situation was very different then yours, I went from happily married to terminally divorced in less time then your H has spent just being ticked off and rubbing your nose in it. If he was dead set on getting out, he would most likely be out by now. Either way, I see no logic in helping him map out a divorce you don't want, ask those questions when you know that's what's coming. Otherwise it's just going to be an excuse for the two of you to exchange jabs.

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Really you divorced quick then huh? It has been like 5 - 5 1/2 months! So i guess I thought that was normal.

 

During the first two weeks he told me he wanted a divorce and said he was going to do it asap oddly enough at that time I was feeling so bad for what I did that I felt like I deserved that and I told him I understood and would give it to him. It fizzled and that was the last he brought it up and I was never going to mention it.

 

Hearing what Yas, Mack and You Tojaz have said I can't help but wonder if that agreeing thing made him back off? The last few months all I have done is push to make-up and be forgiven and its seemingly making him go towards it quicker

[tojaz]

Really you divorced quick then huh? It has been like 5 - 5 1/2 months! So i guess I thought that was normal.

 

During the first two weeks he told me he wanted a divorce and said he was going to do it asap oddly enough at that time I was feeling so bad for what I did that I felt like I deserved that and I told him I understood and would give it to him. It fizzled and that was the last he brought it up and I was never going to mention it.

 

Hearing what Yas, Mack and You Tojaz have said I can't help but wonder if that agreeing thing made him back off? The last few months all I have done is push to make-up and be forgiven and its seemingly making him go towards it quicker

 

Well, I would never suggest agreeing to a divorce you don't want, but in that time he wasn't feeling pressured and that allowed the emotions to calm a little... he didn't have a fight to fight, you had agreed, and it had been left on him to do something about it and for whatever reason he didn't.

 

When he started feeling pushed, then he had the resistance, a place for him to let that anger out, so he stuck to his guns. Making up isn't something your going to be able to push and i think you'd agree that things looked decent a couple weeks ago. I still think asking him what his intentions were backed him into a corner and he came out fighting hard, but i also think you can get back there in time.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I am hoping so too but I'm finding it hard to find the nerve to go home! Im scared to death and I really don't want to go home. It feels easier to cope with being out of the house at least today anyway. I think it would be harder to be at home w/o him because there are memories everywhere.

[Mack05]

I am hoping so too but I'm finding it hard to find the nerve to go home! Im scared to death and I really don't want to go home. It feels easier to cope with being out of the house at least today anyway. I think it would be harder to be at home w/o him because there are memories everywhere.

 

You sure Jenny you can't find some cheap accommodation for 2 weeks? You could just drop off a note saying something like..

 

Decided to move out for a few weeks. Think we both need space. You know where I am if you need me. Jenny.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

There are cheap hotels

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Do you think 2 more weeks would make a difference, Mack?

[Yasuandio]

I vote yes, especially leaving a note with contact info.