Mack05 Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 Do you think 2 more weeks would make a difference, Mack? Jenny honestly it's probably not going to make a huge difference in getting him back. A lot more space is required for that. That's not why I am suggesting this 2 weeks apart. These two weeks are for you. Not to try some last ditch desperate attempt to save the marriage. You need to keep your cool even when it's not going you way. He needs to see a new mature, patient Jenny. Right now you are not strong enough to stay in control and that is why you need space. Time apart will help you regain your composure, but far more importantly it gives you time to come up with a plan of action. When you go back you need to know exactly what you are going to do and say. You have already admitted you have no idea what to do/say if you go back. To be honest neither do I. What I do know is if you go back, there is a HUGE chance you will do something you regret. I keep saying it when you walk on eggshells looking to avoid something, you usually walk straight into it! The key things to focus are 1) Getting him to counselling 2) Understanding that May is not D-Day for this marriage. If you put a time limit on this, then chances are it won't get resolved. Let's be honest, him moving out would be big blow. Of course it is, but that doesn't mean you give up or that the war is lost. I think if he was done he would have moved out already. I really do. He hasn't moved out because he is not 100% sure what he wants. Tojaz makes some great points about his reactions when he is cornered. His stubbornness and pigheadedness are a big problem right now. Getting round that emotional wall he has built won't be easy, but it can be done. A lot of great marriages involve one partner at one stage never giving up on the other. Even when the situation seems pointless. Remember Jenny this is marathon not a sprint. First goal get him to counselling. That is what you need to work patiently towards. That's why we need to use these two weeks for, formulating a plan of action. Bounce idea's here, google, ask advice from family, friends etc etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted February 28, 2013 Author Share Posted February 28, 2013 The cheapest hotel I can find is $60/ night and not sure how clean it is. Almost every friend I have here local is a mutual friend and none seem to want to get involved which is ok cause I really dont want to involve them. I know some singles too with roomates but with the guys living and dropping by it looks bad to stay there and I think my husband would think I was up to no good. I really dont feel like dealing with partying drunks either. I need help with another decision too my pay? I get a papercheck and just put it in the joint account every two weeks! John has dirdct deposit every week. Should I withold putting my check in our account or will that cause alarm? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted February 28, 2013 Author Share Posted February 28, 2013 Mack your right! Each day i get a little better but its going to take weeks prob to get STRONG! It makes me feel better to hear ppl say they think he is not sure or hed be gone! Thats what i am going with toop Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 I wouldn't do anything different with the check. Remember you are still trying to save this marriage. So therefore trust should be automatic. Jenny only know if you can financially cope with 2 weeks in a hotel. Have you looked at hostels? bed and breakfasts? Used comparison websites? If you sent me a private message and let me know what city you live, I could help with your search? If you are not comfortable what that idea, totally understandable. If you decide to go back are you going back today or tomorrow? Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 Jenny, look at the weekly stay motels, or "extended stay" motels. They have little kitchens, are about $125-$145 a week. That is where I'd go when I needed to run away for awhile. One is called Value-In. Another is called Fairfield Inn I think. Just google Extended Stay Motel in your area. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted February 28, 2013 Author Share Posted February 28, 2013 Yes Ive been looking at lots of websites for the best deals! I will check into more though. Im not sure it would thrill husband to have me spending money in that I know when I told him to go and stay at a hotel he said that is a waste of money! I dont want to give him any reason to complain or be upset! I was going to go home Sunday but and thinking tomorrow will be the day.... Ugh The reason to go earlier is cause my friend is making me feel unwelcomed a bit. She seems to be getting slack from her husband and I don't want to cause issue in their marriage. If i need to I can go to a hotel though at least till Monday Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted February 28, 2013 Author Share Posted February 28, 2013 No extended stay places within 100 miles! Its ok though I can do this! I will keep my trap shut! As long as I can come on here and vent and they don't kick me off for to many posts I will do this! I WILL DO THIS I WILL DO THIS POSITIVE POSITIVE POSITIVE Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 (edited) To be honest we can't force you to go Jenny. It's clearly not want you want and I don't want to sound harsh or have you think I am trying reverse psychology, but I don't believe (right now) that you are mentally tough enough to stick it out on your own in a motel for two weeks. In your situation, I might not be either. Easy to be logical when typing advice about someone else on a keyboard. I think its a little sad your friend and especially her husband are being like this. "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone". No way I'd turn my back on a friend in the same situation. Very easy for people to judge. 'Come walk a mile in my shoes'. I guess your friendships and marriage involve not allowing to be able to make any significant mistakes. Ok let's start preparing for your tomorrow. Any idea's how you are going to progress with this? I mean to me, its damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you are aloof you just add to the distance and tension that's already there. If you try to open him up and talk, well you know how that's going to end (and it's not good). hhmmmmmm toughie..Either way and I have stated this over and over, I see no good from going back right now. That's doesn't mean you throw in the towel (far from it). You just need a new plan.. Like the Positive positive mantra you got going there! Edited February 28, 2013 by Mack05 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted February 28, 2013 Author Share Posted February 28, 2013 Well, i figured I would just go there after I get off work and start my laundry and such and then i dunno. He most likely wont talk to me unless he has to anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 (edited) Well, i figured I would just go there after I get off work and start my laundry and such and then i dunno. He most likely wont talk to me unless he has to anyway. On a lighter note you know what has been the worst part of this thread for me? I can't get the song 'Jenny from the block' out my head! "Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, i'm still, I'm still Jenny from the Block... aarrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh :laugh: ______________________________________________________________ First day back for sure just get your bearings. Try be polite. Try keep your body language positive. Moping around and looking sad is a complete NO NO. Make an extra effort round the house. Maybe a real good spring clean? Good way to spend a weekend like this. Followed by cooking a nice dinner. You are not looking for credit. You are just keeping positive, doing positive things. Edited February 28, 2013 by Mack05 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted February 28, 2013 Author Share Posted February 28, 2013 Oh geez lol that is what my name was supposed to be but i had a typo! Lol Am I supposed to expect him to eat with me? Isnt that being to nicey nice? Just asking cause I don't think hes going to be game but I'll try just afraid i am putting myself in a situation that could backfire quick. Remember the hug? Lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted February 28, 2013 Author Share Posted February 28, 2013 You all are really going to have to hold my hand through this and hopefully you all can agree on how to handle this so I don't end up more confused Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 You all are really going to have to hold my hand through this and hopefully you all can agree on how to handle this so I don't end up more confused Jenny don't underestimate yourself. You have done something I NEVER have. You have lived a happy marriage for ten years. At the end of the day put more trust and faith in yourself. We can advise you, but we don't know John like you. No one hear knows for sure what the right answers are. If we did we would all be millionaires. I suggest just take the pieces of advise that work for you. As for being overly nice, he will see right through that. What I am suggesting is positivity and hard work this weekend. Scrub the house from top to bottom. When you are making dinner, you offer him some with a polite smile. He shouldn't be required to sit with you. Let's just use the weekend to settle back in. No frills or drama. Baby steps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted February 28, 2013 Author Share Posted February 28, 2013 Alrighty Mack! Baby steps are doable! I was looking at our cell phone record yesterday he still has not called or texted anyone since I left. Same with home phone. I thought for sure he'd be calling lawyers looking for homes etc etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 (edited) Alrighty Mack! Baby steps are doable! I was looking at our cell phone record yesterday he still has not called or texted anyone since I left. Same with home phone. I thought for sure he'd be calling lawyers looking for homes etc etc. Ok that's good. Do you like cooking Jenny? A cooking book you should get is the Cape cod cookbook. Some awesome recipes in there. hhmmmmmmm Chowder. Our how to make Frozen Cranberry Margarita's..yum yum. They are really easy to follow and taste nicer than any restaurant. Cooking when in situations like this, can be very therapeutic.. Edited February 28, 2013 by Mack05 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted February 28, 2013 Author Share Posted February 28, 2013 I LOVE to cook and am a pretty good cook if I must say so myself! Tomorrow I will be very nervous so wine or something may be the ticket but of course not to much Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 Am I supposed to expect him to eat with me? Isnt that being to nicey nice? Just asking cause I don't think hes going to be game but I'll try just afraid i am putting myself in a situation that could backfire quick. Remember the hug? Lol Jenny, you cannot make yourself responsible for his response, that's always going to be a wildcard. Just play it safe and cover your bases, if your going to cook, make enough for two but maybe leave it up to him to set his own place at the table to join you if he so chooses. You want to make the opportunities available, but leave it up to him the ones he takes and the ones he doesn't. It's probably not going to be the most comfortable thing in the world and wouldn't expect the warm reception your hoping for, but I would be surprised if he reacted harshly. Most likely he will just remain stone faced and guarded. Nothing you can't handle. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 1, 2013 Author Share Posted March 1, 2013 Ok Yas any last minute advice? I know shut up shut up shut up right? I should not be worrying about this but John didnt show at monthly school board meeting this evening! He hasnt missed one EVER, in the last 4 years! I was going to slip in house and get some jeans quick while he was gone but he didnt go so I will just do without. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Ok Yas any last minute advice? I know shut up shut up shut up right? Well, I'm not Yas, but I will say that rather then shut up, to just be selective of what you say and always interact with John with a cool head. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 1, 2013 Author Share Posted March 1, 2013 Well, I'm not Yas, but I will say that rather then shut up, to just be selective of what you say and always interact with John with a cool head. TOJAZ Lol its ok Tojaz! Just wanted to get all your opinions. Im so glad you all are willing to help me Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Lol its ok Tojaz! Just wanted to get all your opinions. Im so glad you all are willing to help me Thats what were here for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 1, 2013 Author Share Posted March 1, 2013 Ok its Come home day! I'm really nervous as I sit at home right now I noticed John must of been sick. The pan we use for throwing up is in tub. Plus with knowing he skipped the meeting it makes me wonder. Is my absence affecting him? Suppose I will never know but I wonder Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 1, 2013 Author Share Posted March 1, 2013 I am so scared and nervous that I bought a pack of cigarettes Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Ok its Come home day! I'm really nervous as I sit at home right now I noticed John must of been sick. The pan we use for throwing up is in tub. Plus with knowing he skipped the meeting it makes me wonder. Is my absence affecting him? Suppose I will never know but I wonder In my opinion, I wouldn't think there was any way your absence wouldn't have effected him. The question is whether or not he will let anyone else know that. Relax Jenny, its going to be ok, just keep your cool best that you can. Really wish I would be able to check LS from work today..... TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Jenny deep breaths. Just control the nerves as best as you can. Remember positive body language the whole weekend. Polite smiles, positive energy. When I get nervous (say before an interview or big meeting) I like to play this song..Positive Positive Positive 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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