Stubborn husband might leave me

[tojaz]

You can stop blowing up if he can try to stop putting rejection in your face.

 

Calm down Yas!

[tojaz]

Jenny, would you agree that what you felt when you read that FB message was most likely very similar to what he must have felt and still feels about your flirty emails?

[Yasuandio]

Calm down Yas!

 

OK Tojaz. I will. Just got a little obsessed, sorry, honey.

[tojaz]

OK Tojaz. I will. Just got a little obsessed, sorry, honey.

 

Its all good Yas, a frustrating thread gets to me as well. If we let ourselves get angry and agressive, were not going to be of much good to Jenny. Congrats on hitting 1k posts by the way.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Jenny, would you agree that what you felt when you read that FB message was most likely very similar to what he must have felt and still feels about your flirty emails?

 

Yeah I'm sure for him it was MUCH worse! Nothing he said in his msg to her was anything but business

[tojaz]

John

 

I'm writing this down because as I'm sure you have noticed, I've been letting my emotions get the better of me lately and this just seems safer at the point were at right now. I've never been in a situation like this before and never dreamed I would be, so I'm not handling it very well.

 

Receiving that Facebook message really scared me. I know your a decent guy and wouldn't cheat, but with my mind going a mile a minute lately, I act before I think, I got scared, angry and I panicked. I would imagine it felt a lot like it did when you read those stupid Emails.

 

I hate to admit, that I never really looked at it that way until now. They were just a stupid game to me and if I had thought for even a second that they might make you feel the way I felt when I read that message, I never would have agreed to write them. I know I can't expect you to trust me, and I'm not going to ask you to. I just want you to know that I'm trying to understand what your going through, and doing my best to respect that and keep my cool. I hope you can understand that this is hard for me as well at the times that i fall short.

 

JENNY

 

 

 

Thoughts, suggestions, edits welcomed.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Heres the kicker---- we are both now sitting on couch. He came let me know he changed oil. He told me the breaks will need done soon too. He isnt a guy that does much on our cars but he does the little things.

 

 

He talked perfectly nice as if nothing happened. I thanked him and listened to what he had to say.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

John

 

I'm writing this down because as I'm sure you have noticed, I've been letting my emotions get the better of me lately and this just seems safer at the point were at right now. I've never been in a situation like this before and never dreamed I would be, so I'm not handling it very well.

 

Receiving that Facebook message really scared me. I know your a decent guy and wouldn't cheat, but with my mind going a mile a minute lately, I act before I think, I got scared, angry and I panicked. I would imagine it felt a lot like it did when you read those stupid Emails.

 

I hate to admit, that I never really looked at it that way until now. They were just a stupid game to me and if I had thought for even a second that they might make you feel the way I felt when I read that message, I never would have agreed to write them. I know I can't expect you to trust me, and I'm not going to ask you to. I just want you to know that I'm trying to understand what your going through, and doing my best to respect that and keep my cool. I hope you can understand that this is hard for me as well at the times that i fall short.

 

JENNY

 

 

 

Thoughts, suggestions, edits welcomed.

 

TOJAZ

 

Well, I'll be honest. It's a great letter! But I have said all to him already and Im not sure hearing it over again will sound sincere. Maybe I am wrong

 

I did tell him some of that today as well.

 

If I'm honest my words probably have lost their effectiveness to him. And hell my actions SUCK!

[tojaz]

Heres the kicker---- we are both now sitting on couch. He came let me know he changed oil. He told me the breaks will need done soon too. He isnt a guy that does much on our cars but he does the little things.

 

 

He talked perfectly nice as if nothing happened. I thanked him and listened to what he had to say.

 

very hard to get a read on this guy, so what did he have to say?

Edited March 3, 2013 by tojaz

[Yasuandio]

John

 

I'm writing this down because as I'm sure you have noticed, I've been letting my emotions get the better of me lately and this just seems safer at the point were at right now. I've never been in a situation like this before and never dreamed I would be, so I'm not handling it very well.

 

Receiving that Facebook message really scared me. I know your a decent guy and wouldn't cheat, but with my mind going a mile a minute lately, I act before I think, I got scared, angry and I panicked. I would imagine it felt a lot like it did when you read those stupid Emails.

 

I hate to admit, that I never really looked at it that way until now. They were just a stupid game to me and if I had thought for even a second that they might make you feel the way I felt when I read that message, I never would have agreed to write them. I know I can't expect you to trust me, and I'm not going to ask you to. I just want you to know that I'm trying to understand what your going through, and doing my best to respect that and keep my cool. I hope you can understand that this is hard for me as well at the times that i fall short.

 

JENNY

 

 

 

Thoughts, suggestions, edits welcomed.

 

TOJAZ

 

Too wordy. Run on sentences. Needs to be simplied a bit. Sorry, I cannot do it, I'm too emotional right now.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Yas I think youve got something with that agreeing thing. That puts us both on the same side. Hard to fight if your on the same side. Except I would be lying if I said I be really on that side.

 

I pulled out our lease and to my lack of memory it just dawned on me last year we opted out of signing initally and instead they gave us a 6 week grace period which states on your lease its up 6/14/13 not 5/1/13....

 

I will also say I am not looking hot today my niece is here with the flu and I have been puked on and been cleaning it up all morning. But i look cute in sweats and a tank!! Lol

[Jennyfromtheblick]

very hard to get a read on this guy, so what did he have to say?

 

He was just saying your oils changed! I said thanks John. Then he cleaned up and came and sat on couch and said I have to do the brakes soon too. And told me he needed a special tool to do the front brakes. And i was like ohh... I said are those expensive and he no not really.

[Mack05]

very hard to get a read on this guy, so what did he have to say?

 

It is. This is why I originally suggested Jenny get space and plenty of it. Right now the key word here is TRUST. It doesn't matter what Jenny promises. Right now she can't cash the cheques she is writing.

 

She says she won't blow up, then she goes and blows up. Because you are not backing your words Jenny with ACTIONS, his mind then wanders and says ok she says she didn't cheat, but how do I know for sure. The sad thing is he doesn't trust a word that comes out of your mouth.

 

She (Jenny) can't change over night. You can't promise not to react without thinking first, without some serious behavioural reprogramming. This can take months, sometimes years.

[Mack05]

Here is my take. This saying "YOU WILL NOT GRANT HIM A DIVORCE" sounds like a power move. And it is BS anyway - cause anyone can get a divorce without you approval. I would stop saying that, and say the opposite. I know this perspective is not going to be popular. But this is the information I think you need to get across to him, perhaps in a written format, beause you cannot control your mouth:

 

(1) I want to apologize for my angry behavior this afternoon. It was inexcuable. I have been under a great deal of stress over the past 4 months with the realization that the marriage I so treasure may be over.

 

(2) If a divorce is what you want, then, because I love you, I will cooperate in anyway I can.

 

(3) All I ask is that you leave the premises so that I may begin accepting my new life. This is absolutely important, for both of us to have private time to heal.

 

(4) I will help you find a place and I will help you pack. It is easier for you (or you) to take a room for a couple months, as I (him) would be re-renting this unit for another term myself (or whatever logical arrangement justifies him or you leaving).

 

Done and done. Now that is a cooperative attitude - and gets the two of you what you need - space.

 

I like this.....

[Yasuandio]

Yas I think youve got something with that agreeing thing. That puts us both on the same side. Hard to fight if your on the same side. Except I would be lying if I said I be really on that side.

 

I pulled out our lease and to my lack of memory it just dawned on me last year we opted out of signing initally and instead they gave us a 6 week grace period which states on your lease its up 6/14/13 not 5/1/13....

 

I will also say I am not looking hot today my niece is here with the flu and I have been puked on and been cleaning it up all morning. But i look cute in sweats and a tank!! Lol

 

I like a simplified version of Tojaz' letter - like I suggested in (1) on previous page. I would try anything Tojaz says first. He is a man - and understands from a man's perspective. However, Tojaz' letter does not address John's role. But, you arethe one that blew up - so that may be why he didn't address

john's behavior.

 

And if things go on like this, know you, I cannot see you taking it much longer. You remind me of Allie. You will not keep a lid on it. I understand completely, I'm like that too. I gotta know NOW. Can't stand to wait. I'd rather it be over than to have to be so damn patient, dragging feet, like get over it already.

 

Anyway, like I said, I'm kinda emotional today, I need to get off of LS. Let Mack weigh in. With my idea, you have to be prepared to accept the consequences. It is a last resort technique - and I want you to do the research before you even consider it. It is risky. It is not unlike the NC. You are in essence preparing and projecting that you are intent on living life alone and being happy about - and if you're not happy, then you have to fake it till you make it.

 

If you really want Homer's technique to rip out his guts, then you need to start dating in public. Not sleeping around! Just a coffee, nice talk, enjoy the company of other men. This will theoretically make you happy. You will see there are other options. In this way John would see that you are of value to other men, and he will get scared about losing you, and theoretically, want you back (people tend to want what they cannot have). There are no promises my dear. Also get Mack and Tojaz' take on procedure as well.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

It is. This is why I originally suggested Jenny get space and plenty of it. Right now the key word here is TRUST. It doesn't matter what Jenny promises. Right now she can't cash the cheques she is writing.

 

She says she won't blow up, then she goes and blows up. Because you are not backing your words Jenny with ACTIONS, his mind then wanders and says ok she says she didn't cheat, but how do I know for sure. The sad thing is he doesn't trust a word that comes out of your mouth.

 

She (Jenny) can't change over night. You can't promise not to react without thinking first, without some serious behavioural reprogramming. This can take months, sometimes years.

 

Yeah I blew it AGAIN!! Fear is winning!!

 

He said today also he has no way to know this wont happen again. Meaning the emails. He said it wouldnt of been so bad if i had told him, clued him in etc. its the withholding info (lying essential) he takes issue with. And that I deliberately did it! I swear he even accused me of sending myself that fb msg

[Yasuandio]

Yeah I blew it AGAIN!! Fear is winning!!

 

He said today also he has no way to know this wont happen again. Meaning the emails. He said it wouldnt of been so bad if i had told him, clued him in etc. its the withholding info (lying essential) he takes issue with. And that I deliberately did it! I swear he even accused me of sending myself that fb msg

 

He is so full of it.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

It is. This is why I originally suggested Jenny get space and plenty of it. Right now the key word here is TRUST. It doesn't matter what Jenny promises. Right now she can't cash the cheques she is writing.

 

She says she won't blow up, then she goes and blows up. Because you are not backing your words Jenny with ACTIONS, his mind then wanders and says ok she says she didn't cheat, but how do I know for sure. The sad thing is he doesn't trust a word that comes out of your mouth.

 

She (Jenny) can't change over night. You can't promise not to react without thinking first, without some serious behavioural reprogramming. This can take months, sometimes years.

 

Aww Yas! I'm sorry if I left you down! Your support means a lot to me. Take care hun!

[Mack05]

Jen I like Tojaz's letter (I would use more emotion, want me to try write a letter later?)..Yas's suggestion. I am going to take a long hot piping bath to clear my head.

 

We need to come up with a plan where your actions follow your words..

[Jennyfromtheblick]

If you want Mack! But I just dont think words will mean anything to him. I think I need Action which puts a lot on me. But as we sit here John is calling autoparts stores looking for brakes.... Thats weird.

 

Can we come up with a plan on keeping me in check and actions?

[Jennyfromtheblick]

He's detaching himself from me. That makes it easier to walk away I think. How do I get back in his heart??

 

Maybe i should not act on anything w/o hearing from one of you first. That requires time and then there is no outbursts

[Mack05]

If you want Mack! But I just dont think words will mean anything to him. I think I need Action which puts a lot on me. But as we sit here John is calling autoparts stores looking for brakes.... Thats weird.

 

Can we come up with a plan on keeping me in check and actions?

 

If only it were that simple. But I have a suggestion. Buy the book 'Go suck a lemon'..

 

I like Yas's suggestion of letting go, as I feel right now it's your best option..That is what the focus of my letter will be. Give me some time with the letter. It's hard considering I have never met either of you..

 

I will just put myself in your shoes..

Edited March 3, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I dont want to let go! I want to fight for this! I am not prepared to deal with the consequences of giving him ultimatiums

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Just so you all know what I am dealing with, now he asked if i had any laundry to do tonight and i said yeah he said well then needed to go to the store because he used all the detergent and he wanted to get something to clean my new pan he burnt up last night! He asked if i could think of anything else we needed from the store.

 

Now my head says yeah right hes using that excuse to get out of house and go call or text someone!

 

We live a 2 miles from the store im so freaking temptedto see if he really went there! But i wont cause im sure you all will say not too!!

[Mack05]

I dont want to let go! I want to fight for this! I am not prepared to deal with the consequences of giving him ultimatiums

 

Jen try not to view this in a black and white way. I know you don't want to let go, but right know he doesn't trust you. If he doesn't trust you, there is nothing you can do. Read my post about when I went to Australia with my ex. Try to absorb. If my ex kept pushing me, begging, pleading. I'd have never gone back.

 

She gave me space, gave me time to work through it all.

 

If you keep forcing it, all you are doing is driving him further away. There is a chance here that he has already checked out and nothing you do will make a difference. That is the harsh reality. That is why I was desperate for you to have space. Going back has just made it so much worse. He could be very close to the straw that broke the camels back.

 

He needs to see a 'new' Jenny. A girl he can trust. A girl that backs up her words. The only way you can show him this is with space. Not only that you need to make improvements with this space and time. I was a hot head. I found a way to control my emotions in a argument. It didn't happen overnight..

 

Jen we have tried to help you, but we can only help you if you get a grip..I will be back later with a letter. Maybe people agree, maybe they won't but this is how I would play it..