No response to "I love you" Should I leave?

[Mrlonelyone]

Hi cutiepie!

Maybe I need a therapist to tell me why my feelings are not at the "in love" level. I'm very sexually attracted to my current BF and I care about him a lot but maybe there is something "missing" on my part or maybe his.

 

 

They will tell you that there is no difference between feeling "in love" and real true love but getting used to the person and building real intimacy.

 

You see, it's all a biochemical reaction that we don't control.

 

The technical term for being "in love", as you describe, is called limmerance.

David Sack, M.D.: Limerence and the Biochemical Roots of Love Addiction

 

Popular culture has done us a great disservice in our understanding of romantic love. From a young age, we watch movies and read books that form the scripts of our adult relationships. But popular culture usually gets it wrong, often in the name of entertainment, and ends up confusing love with limerence.

 

 

What Is Limerence?

 

Limerence, a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, has been described as "an involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person."

 

 

It is normal and natural for the hot and heavy limmernce to wear off after a couple years MAX. Limerence is why some people get married then divorced within a couple years. One person wakes up one day and realizes they just aren't feeing it any more.

 

 

What is real love?

 

 

The best theory of love I've ever seen from a psychologist describes it as a triangle. A triangle of intimacy, passion and commitment.

 

 

Triangular theory of love - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

 

You and your BF have passion. You are very sexual and all that.

 

 

 

Do you have intimacy, emotional intimacy? Would you be a friend with this person if they were not sexually attractive or became sexually unattractive? Suppose in a horrible car accident he lost every part of him from the hips down. If that happened would you wheel him about and proudly call him your BF?

 

 

Do you have commitment? Do you have a real commitment that you have discussed? Do you live together and are your names on the same utility bills and/or lease agreement?

 

 

 

If you don't have at least two of those three the answer is simple you aren't in any kind of love with him.

 

 

 

If you have at least two of the above then you are in love, real love, comfortable easy love that can last a long long time. Congratulations, real love dosen't feel like that limmerant "in love" feeling.

 

 

TL;DR As my mother puts it, the reason her and my father have lasted, with a few rough times, for 40 years is they don't talk more than they have to. Real love =/= 'in love' Real love > 'in love'.

[Ruby Slippers]

No worries Ruby! I would have liked to have read what you wrote. It's good to read how others handle their relationships. You can learn a lot

You are so sweet! But I realized there's no need to go into it all here. I mean, I've talked about a lot of it already. Picking through the details on LS isn't going to help at this point. Maybe in the future, though.

 

I have a lot of love and passion to give only if it is equally given to me.

TOTALLY. That's what it's all about. When it's right, I become almost superheroic in my ability to love, support, and defend a lover or friend. But I think it's stupid, a waste, to give all that to someone who's not reciprocating.

 

But I do want to applaud both you and me for being brave about expressing how we feel, regardless of their response. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there without a safety net. You love this guy, and it's brave and healthy to express your love, desire, affection, and all that good stuff. Whether he loves you back or not does not change the fact that you love him (or loved him). But it's totally natural that if it's not reciprocated, your love will fade out.

[Juventa2012]

They will tell you that there is no difference between feeling "in love" and real true love but getting used to the person and building real intimacy.

 

You see, it's all a biochemical reaction that we don't control.

 

The technical term for being "in love", as you describe, is called limmerance.

David Sack, M.D.: Limerence and the Biochemical Roots of Love Addiction

 

 

 

 

It is normal and natural for the hot and heavy limmernce to wear off after a couple years MAX. Limerence is why some people get married then divorced within a couple years. One person wakes up one day and realizes they just aren't feeing it any more.

 

 

What is real love?

 

 

The best theory of love I've ever seen from a psychologist describes it as a triangle. A triangle of intimacy, passion and commitment.

 

 

Triangular theory of love - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

 

You and your BF have passion. You are very sexual and all that.

 

 

 

Do you have intimacy, emotional intimacy? Would you be a friend with this person if they were not sexually attractive or became sexually unattractive? Suppose in a horrible car accident he lost every part of him from the hips down. If that happened would you wheel him about and proudly call him your BF?

 

 

Do you have commitment? Do you have a real commitment that you have discussed? Do you live together and are your names on the same utility bills and/or lease agreement?

 

 

 

If you don't have at least two of those three the answer is simple you aren't in any kind of love with him.

 

 

 

If you have at least two of the above then you are in love, real love, comfortable easy love that can last a long long time. Congratulations, real love dosen't feel like that limmerant "in love" feeling.

 

 

TL;DR As my mother puts it, the reason her and my father have lasted, with a few rough times, for 40 years is they don't talk more than they have to. Real love =/= 'in love' Real love > 'in love'.

 

Yes, I would be a friend with this person if they were not sexually attractive or become sexually unattractive. Let me point out that my relationship with this man is not based on sex. We spend A LOT of time together and enjoy each others company. We sometimes go without having sex for days on end. As far as commitment goes...no we do not live together, but I might as well live with him since I'm there every single day. I was under the impression that commitment meant getting married. He has never discussed a future with me. And that may be a problem.

 

I have a question of the Triangle theory of love is intimacy, passion and commitment. And this may have to be discussed on a different thread, but I have a gf who just got engaged to man that she only has dated for 5 months. She is still a virgin (age 36) for religious reasons. I believe that she has commitment, but I don't think that there is passion and intimacy. Is it possible that if she marries this man it may be doomed for divorce?

[Juventa2012]

You are so sweet! But I realized there's no need to go into it all here. I mean, I've talked about a lot of it already. Picking through the details on LS isn't going to help at this point. Maybe in the future, though.

 

 

TOTALLY. That's what it's all about. When it's right, I become almost superheroic in my ability to love, support, and defend a lover or friend. But I think it's stupid, a waste, to give all that to someone who's not reciprocating.

 

But I do want to applaud both you and me for being brave about expressing how we feel, regardless of their response. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there without a safety net. You love this guy, and it's brave and healthy to express your love, desire, affection, and all that good stuff. Whether he loves you back or not does not change the fact that you love him (or loved him). But it's totally natural that if it's not reciprocated, your love will fade out.

 

It's hard to start distancing yourself from something you thought was may be headed in the right direction. I have had some heart break in my life and now that I'm older, I just want someone that is loyal, honest and monogamous to grow old with. I told him how I felt. Maybe it wasn't the right time. I have to accept that maybe I will never know how he feels through his words but that is what I have to deal with.

I have no doubt that he will notice my distance. I need to do this for me.

[Cutiepie1976]

I completely understand your misgivings about falling for someone who may not be emotionally available, in this case because he may still be hung up on his crazy ex. I would be cautious of having my heart broken too. But I've generally walked away very quickly in those cases. Did you stay because he seemed to be coming around?

 

To me, it sounds as if you were both badly burned by your "types" and decided you would experiment with someone outside that. Someone who would normally be nothing more than a good friend. Maybe you are just good friends after all? Is that possible? Is it possible that you guys are forcing this to be more than it can or should be? I don't know...

 

I ask because you've stated in many of your posts that you are an easy-going,"no drama" kind of person. Yet you shared that at the bar, he related that he fell in love with his ex because she was opinionated, etc., and they had a very tempestuous relationship. One style of interaction is not inherently superior to the other. It's simply a matter of personal preference. Are those traits that he mentioned falling in love with things that he sees in you too?

 

My impression is that you are both trying to fit a square peg (a serious romantic relationship) into a round hole (good, close friends). No offense meant, but from some of the comments, you seem almost repulsed by some of his quirks. Tone gets completely lost in posts, so I may be totally off-base there and have simply misinterpreted your feelings about his idiosyncrasies and personality.

 

At any rate, it's entirely possible the relationship may have simply run its natural course, and it's now time to call it quits. Sometimes there are large, unambiguous exit signs. Other times not.

Edited December 19, 2012 by Cutiepie1976

[Juventa2012]

I completely understand your misgivings about falling for someone who may not be emotionally available, in this case because he may still be hung up on his crazy ex. I would be cautious of having my heart broken too. But I've generally walked away very quickly in those cases. Did you stay because he seemed to be coming around?

 

To me, it sounds as if you were both badly burned by your "types" and decided you would experiment with someone outside that. Someone who would normally be nothing more than a good friend. Maybe you are just good friends after all? Is that possible? Is it possible that you guys are forcing this to be more than it can or should be? I don't know...

 

I ask because you've stated in many of your posts that you are an easy-going,"no drama" kind of person. Yet you shared that at the bar, he related that he fell in love with his ex because she was opinionated, etc., and they had a very tempestuous relationship. One style of interaction is not inherently superior to the other. It's simply a matter of personal preference. Are those traits that he mentioned falling in love with things that he sees in you too?

 

My impression is that you are both trying to fit a square peg (a serious romantic relationship) into a round hole (good, close friends). No offense meant, but from some of the comments, you seem almost repulsed by some of his quirks. Tone gets completely lost in posts, so I may be totally off-base there and have simply misinterpreted your feelings about his idiosyncrasies and personality.

 

At any rate, it's entirely possible the relationship may have simply run its natural course, and it's now time to call it quits. Sometimes there are large, unambiguous exit signs. Other times not.

 

Yes, I did stay because he was coming around. I think he had just been broken up for 2 months with the ex before he started dating me. He would talk about her almost every day.

 

I think we sort of built a "friendship" in the midst of trying to form a "relationship" and yes, I thought for some time that I was just an FWB, but he called me his gf after 6 months and has most of the time, behaved like a boyfriend not an FWB.

It's true, that I'm a no drama type of woman, but I'm certainly not one to keep my opinions and disagreements to myself. I'm very outspoken but in a more mature way. Like his ex, I'm very expressive and I defend myself if need be, I'm intelligent, family oriented, etc. I'm just not the stalker crazy type! LOL!

 

To be honest, I don't know what he thinks about me. He has never verbally expressed what he likes about my personality other than he thinks that I'm very physically attractive and that I take care of him (meaning, I do kind things like cook and clean sometimes) Yeah, maybe he had a toxic and dysfunctional relationship with the crazy ex but let's get real, does that really bring happiness in the long run?

 

I mean, I'm as dramatic as they come, but I'm just to old to be arguing and nagging about the small stuff and I just don't do it. Maybe I was the rebound woman and he just got used to me. Idk, I'm sometimes bored out of my mind when I'm around him. I sometimes feel like he is not "trying" to want to make it work. I believe a man will "adjust" who he is to make a woman happy.

 

I'm older than him by 4 years. Not that it makes a big difference, but I think he just has some growing up to do. I mean, sometimes I have to ask him to change the channel on the TV because he still likes to watch MTV and movies with teenagers in them. Honestly, I just don't want to be his friend. I have plenty of friends and he has A LOT of female friends.

 

I think you may be right. The relationship has probably run its course, but just when I have the feeling its about to end, something happens that makes me wonder if he is really sincere and wants this to work.

Edited December 19, 2012 by Juventa2012

[Imajerk17]

UPDATE and just venting--

 

I'm apologizing in advance for rambling on this post.

I know I gave myself until the end of January but I'm just about done here! I'm sick of it!

Last night, my boyfriend asked me to go have a beer with him out of the blue. He said "What are you doing? I'm coming to pick you up so we can go have a beer" I said "OK" Stupid me! Here I am thinking that he wants to spend quality time with me and get romantic and "talk". But no, he basically spent most of the night watching the game and chatting about the game to me. I was bored out of my mind!

 

When the game was over. He proceeded to spend most of remainder of the time talking about my best friend who has been dating this man for about 5 months and he proposed to her. WTH? Why would that even bother him? He barley knows my best friend.

Then he goes on to tell me HOW HE WOULD PROPOSE. Who does that? Like I want to hear about he wants to propose some day to some OTHER woman. That's f***kin crazy!

Then he starts talking about his ex (the crazy stalker one) about he fell in love with her because she was intelligent, opinionated, cultured blah, blah blah.

I finally had to stop him and say "Can you please take me home now?"

I'm sorry, but I'm really beginning to be convinced of 1) he is not over his ex 2) he is using me 3) he has mental issues.

HE DOES NOT LOVE ME!

Any thoughts/opinions about his behavior?

 

 

I have a bunch more thoughts about this.

 

(1) Did you ask him what he meant about "how he would propose"? Are you positive he was talking about another woman? If he was then that is IMO a dump-able offense. If he was referring to possibly to you some day, then there would have been no reason for concern. But that's it, either dump or everything is fine and you would have found out in that very conversation. I'm not seeing why there would be this middle-ground if you would about giving the guy the chilly treatment. Or pretending as if everything is fine while you come on here and talk smack about the guy.

 

(2) As a guy reading this, I must say that this is really educational for me. It seems that the pattern with many of you women [in and out of the forum] is this:

 

(a) Guy says or does something that you interpret (correctly or incorrectly--you are in fact often incorrect) as about him not being on the same page with you.

 

(b) Instead of calling it out and asking for clarification [and need be breaking up with him right then and there] you instead give him the silent chilly treatment.

 

© You women call it "self-protective", we men call it "passive-aggressive" or "game-playing".

 

Something to consider here.

Edited December 19, 2012 by Imajerk17

[Juventa2012]

I have a bunch more thoughts about this.

 

(1) Did you ask him what he meant about "how he would propose"? Are you positive he was talking about another woman? If he was then that is IMO a dump-able offense. If he was referring to possibly to you some day, then there would have been no reason for concern. But that's it, either dump or everything is fine and you would have found out in that very conversation. I'm not seeing why there would be this middle-ground if you would about giving the guy the chilly treatment. Or pretending as if everything is fine while you come on here and talk smack about the guy.

 

(2) As a guy reading this, I must say that this is really educational for me. It seems that the pattern with many of you women [in and out of the forum] is this:

 

(a) Guy says or does something that you interpret (correctly or incorrectly--you are in fact often incorrect) as about him not being on the same page with you.

 

(b) Instead of calling it out and asking for clarification [and need be breaking up with him right then and there] you instead give him the silent chilly treatment.

 

© You women call it "self-protective", we men call it "passive-aggressive" or "game-playing".

 

Something to consider here.

 

Hi Imajerk17!

He basically said "This is how I would propose" and then he went on to explain his scenario. I don't really know if he was talking about another woman or a new woman. Didn't want to analyze it too much. After that the conversation was normal. I didn't get upset at him. I just felt hurt inside. Didn't really want to get into it with him while at the bar. I didn't give him the silent treatment. I was pleasant, no drama. I do plan on talking to him about it. I've never been good at hiding how I feel

 

I think I would be stupid to assume that it was about me, seeing that he has never asked me what I thought about marriage. I felt hurt, I'm still thinking about it. Actually, I didn't mention this on my previous posts today, but I've been noticing that for the past few days, he has been distant and pensive. At the bar, he seemed distant as well, like I mentioned he had his arms crossed and was sitting two feet away from me.

 

I'm not going to play games with him, I'm just going to mirror his actions towards me, which I think is fair. I've always treated him with kindness and respect, but wouldn't you agree that if a man is not being reciprocal then why should I try?

I'm hurt, that he would actually bring up his ex AGAIN after me being in the picture for over a year. Why would he even go through the trouble of getting me an expensive Christmas gift and say "the best for the best". I don't even want to analyze his brain, but I'm really hurt and confused here.

[Ruby Slippers]

This song is the perfect soundtrack to this thread: Natalie Imbruglia & Portishead - Leave me Alone - YouTube

 

It made me feel better to dance to something sexy and fun about my troubles. I mean, it's that or cry about it.

[Juventa2012]

This song is the perfect soundtrack to this thread: Natalie Imbruglia & Portishead - Leave me Alone - YouTube

 

It made me feel better to dance to something sexy and fun about my troubles. I mean, it's that or cry about it.

 

Thank you!

[Juventa2012]

(1) Did you ask him what he meant about "how he would propose"? Are you positive he was talking about another woman?

 

How could he possibly be referring to me if he hasn't even said "I love you" to me?

[Imajerk17]

Just because he hasn't said ILY yet doesn't mean he isn't casing you out as a life partner---e.g., how we would propose could mean "how would he propose perhaps to you".

 

Some people only say ILY if they are ready to propose. Whether you think it is right or wrong, that is how it is.

[Juventa2012]

Just because he hasn't said ILY yet doesn't mean he isn't casing you out as a life partner---e.g., how we would propose could mean "how would he propose perhaps to you".

 

Some people only say ILY if they are ready to propose. Whether you think it is right or wrong, that is how it is.

 

 

Sorry but that just sounds insane to me. Men waiting to say ILY if they are ready to propose? Why would someone hold back how they feel about their significant other because of that? I don't get it.

[Mrlonelyone]

(1) Did you ask him what he meant about "how he would propose"? Are you positive he was talking about another woman?

 

How could he possibly be referring to me if he hasn't even said "I love you" to me?

 

Because to some old fashioned people real love only comes from being committed in marriage.

 

Because he's likely said it to some woman who didn't say it back to him and he doesn't want to have to wonder about it.

 

Lastly, because he doesn't think that words matter more than actions (acts of service, gifts, spending time).

[Juventa2012]

Because to some old fashioned people real love only comes from being committed in marriage.

 

Because he's likely said it to some woman who didn't say it back to him and he doesn't want to have to wonder about it.

 

Lastly, because he doesn't think that words matter more than actions (acts of service, gifts, spending time).

 

Hi Mrlonelyone!

I get what you are saying, but I know for a fact that my bf is very capable of saying ILY. He told me that he said it to the crazy ex girlfriend after 3 months! He actually told me that he fell "in love" with her. That is why after dating him for over a year and he can't say it to me is a bit confusing.

 

What is going on in his head, I don't even know. He will not verbally express his feelings towards ME. I wonder, am I not young enough, intelligent enough or ambitious enough? Am I not dramatic enough?

What was so damn compelling about his dysfunctional toxic ex that made him fall in love with her? Well, he claims, she was intelligent, opinionated, put him in his place, her culture! Really? Like her, I'm very intelligent and opinionated and have other wonderful qualities as well. I'm guess in his eyes I'm just not worthy of being said I love you to.

[Juventa2012]

What is the point of dating a woman for over a year and spending all day long with her if there is no ILY? It must be boring to spend so much time with a woman one does not love.

 

I generally say ILY when I feel it and expect nothing in return. However, if it becomes apparent my love is not reciprocated I walk. No big deal to me.

 

There is no point in loving if your love is not reciprocated. However, I am not insecure or anal about having to hear the ILY all the time.

 

My ex-wife would go into panic mode if I did not say ILY regularly.

 

Exactly! I'm not looking to hear ILY every day or all the time. Fact is, if his actions are not matching his words, then what is the point.

This is why this situation is very confusing to me and I feel lost. He wants to spend all of his free time with me. Is VERY affectionate, kind and respectful. I've met his family and good friends, etc. He makes plans to spend future time with me and believe me, our relationship is not based on sex. Never was from the beginning either.

[Mrlonelyone]

Why are you so worried about him saying it to the crazy ex?

 

The ex is an ex and they were crazy. He said it to them and the relationship went to heck. You have him she has some dusty old words.

[Juventa2012]

Why is he not interested in sex?

 

Maybe that is why he feels he cannot say ILY. He has no interest in sex! Could he be partially impotent? Maybe this is getting on his mind and does not allow him to say ILY.

 

Could he have latent homosexuality and is trying hard to be heterosexual? This could also get in the way of saying ILY.

 

OK. Maybe I should have been more specific about the sex. Yes, we do have sex, but not everyday. And it's amazing sex, we both agree. It's just not a relationship that is only about sex. The reason we are together is because we have a lot of things in common, great conversations, are highly attracted to one another and enjoy spending time together, etc.

Ha! I'm positive that he does not have latent homosexuality!

[MissBee]

Sorry but that just sounds insane to me. Men waiting to say ILY if they are ready to propose? Why would someone hold back how they feel about their significant other because of that? I don't get it.

 

This makes no sense to me either.

 

Frankly, in my experience, if you're with a man and need to be guessing about his feelings...that's already a problem. I don't care how "old-fashioned" you are, I'd like to be positive about how you feel about me. In any case, you know him and you're obviously not buying those explanations, so trust yourself! His past experiences and how he said he's behaved in the past are just like how he's behaving now.

 

I think half the time we spend too much time making excuses for people when in our gut we now something is off. But instead of looking at the obvious we try to dig up some obscure reasons for their behavior...

[snowflakes88]

How is it that you are 40+, wanting a baby, been with this guy for almost a year - but have never discussed marriage?? Am I reading that correctly? Have you guys even talked about whether you'd like to be married in general?

 

I strongly suspect you are wasting your time here.

[FitChick]

Go to the Water Cooler forum and the Astrology Thread and get opinions on him and the two of you, based on astrology. Might be enlightening. Is he a Capricorn? They usually cannot express their feelings and seem cold. Same with Aquarians.

[Juventa2012]

Go to the Water Cooler forum and the Astrology Thread and get opinions on him and the two of you, based on astrology. Might be enlightening. Is he a Capricorn? They usually cannot express their feelings and seem cold. Same with Aquarians.

 

Hi Fitchick and thank you!

 

Astrology in relationships mean nothing to me. I know couples that are meant to be doomed when it comes to be compatible according to their horoscope and they are happy as ever! He is not Capricorn by the way. He is a Sagittarius.

[Juventa2012]

This makes no sense to me either.

 

Frankly, in my experience, if you're with a man and need to be guessing about his feelings...that's already a problem. I don't care how "old-fashioned" you are, I'd like to be positive about how you feel about me. In any case, you know him and you're obviously not buying those explanations, so trust yourself! His past experiences and how he said he's behaved in the past are just like how he's behaving now.

 

I think half the time we spend too much time making excuses for people when in our gut we now something is off. But instead of looking at the obvious we try to dig up some obscure reasons for their behavior...

 

Hi Missbee!

 

I agree with what you are saying and honestly I'm not making excuses for him. I know what is going on here. I guess for me, I just need to have that closure and I would at least want to know why? Of course I may not get any answers from him and that will be something that I have to live with.

[Juventa2012]

How is it that you are 40+, wanting a baby, been with this guy for almost a year - but have never discussed marriage?? Am I reading that correctly? Have you guys even talked about whether you'd like to be married in general?

 

I strongly suspect you are wasting your time here.

 

Hi Snowflakes88!

Yes, you are reading that correctly. I don't know if you have read the entire thread but I was married before for 10 years. No children. My thoughts on having children are that it's probably too late to even attempt.

 

My reason for ending this relationship has more to do with him. He has never discussed marriage with me or said ILY to me and its been over a year! We are both adults, but him being 39 and never married is a big red flag for me! Just as I grew to love him, I can grow to stop loving him.

 

He clearly doesn't want a future with me and while he acts and does things that make me believe that he may want a future with me, his actions are not enough. He has a lot of trouble expressing himself verbally to ME. Not in general, but only to ME. He may want marriage and kids, but not with ME. So, that is why I'm leaving him.