No response to "I love you" Should I leave?

[Juventa2012]

i am the opposite in argument ill say i really love you but honestly you really suck at the moment....or you really piss me off right now lets talk later....saying you care about someone and enjoy spending time with them is an early dating scenario to m e...if you have been with someone for a year i feel that imparts a commitment and commitment to me is love....showing passion is showing" in love".....

lets break it down to those three words you want to be told.....

 

why do you need to hear them?

 

they are three words that lose meaning if you have to ask someone to say them and words are important they are a gift from god....language and the art of using those words to make people feel special...loved desired, wanted, needed.....behind those words needs to be actions.....like if you ask for forgiveness by sayign another three words i call them the trinity

 

I AM SORRY....the action that you have is to really mean it...i love you is another trinity and the actions to em are sharing your dreams your thoughts spending time with someone forsaking others,not only spendign quality tiem together but times when you are tired, sore, pissed off you still want that person in your company...thats spending time.......if a guy says to me i love you.......i ask why?

i just do........the biggest word is do.....i woudltn have to ask because it is obvious....i dotn need to eb told i love you.....and i dont need to say i love you all the time...people around me automatically know i do....because no matter how i feel...i am there with them, not someone else, if they have a problem i am more than there....i am actively trying to think of a way to solve it to help to make them feel better....thats altruism......

 

 

 

and that is what i get ridiculed for....my capacity to want to be there for others.i tend to find people like myself or they find me ....my church is altruistic......majorly.....thats why i believe....they dont say i believe i know this to be true without putting their money where there mouth is.they live it dont just say it..people take advantage of words to throw off from putting in effort...language was confounded and confused....when god decided people werent ready to come together or the devil did it i dont know i am not a bible scholar......there are trinities of words that are universal however they I LOVE YOU and I AM SORRY.....god gave is these trinities to say something that is really powerful simply....so if you say that trinity of graceful words..... you better know why you are saying them ...and they have to come from your heart no one should have to ask another to say them.....its agency..that person should feel the others love because it is obvious..people muddy up three simple words....by sayign them and not meaning them the same with sorry...like i know i really care about someone from my church i care abtou a lot of them one is set apart.....i woudl carry on through feeling really crap just to spend time with him....adn i do ....depsite my feelings of feeling awkward in spite fo the fact i feel shy in spite fo the facti know he doesnt care about me the same way i do about him.....i cant say no to spending time with him, doing things for him.....tryign in my own way to show deep affection adn i continue too even though he never notices .....to em thats strong feelings for if they were reciprocated.....i think i coudl set a place alight.....smilin....it isnt to be......but i enjoy every moment i am with him happy sad, goofy, silly depressed nearly in tears if i see him smile...i keep going its worth it.....and i have not told him that fact...and i wont.....is that love though....in my experience it i s.....unrequited for sure but love none the less....give yrou boyfriend agency to say one day when you least expect hey you suck at the moment but i wouldnt want to b anywhere else because i love you........when i pray and god doesnt give me the answers ill say to him hey your not fair....but i love you......and i mean it....i just dont hear god say it back either i think he shows me though not with a booming i freaking love you goofball........smilin...........debe

 

I know what may be coming and that is ok. I do have a fear. A fear that he thinks I'm too old even though he is only 4 years younger than me. I fear that he is unsure and undecided. I gave myself until the end of January 2013 to see if he finds it in his heart to say it. Honestly, I'm not the type of woman who needs to hear it on a daily basis, but I'm an emotional woman (most women are) so those words coming out of his mouth will just validate his actions. In the meantime I'm going to live my life and just keep loving myself.

[Juventa2012]

Now I'm confused. If the bolded is the case, then WHY do you want him to say ILY?

 

Saying ILY to someone you are dating, means you are feeling eros. NOT just storge, philia, and for heavens sake, not merely agape. (If you're not sure what I am getting at, google "The Four Loves".) If you're not at eros with your boyfriend, then why are you expecting that he be?

 

Hi,

I see why you may be confused but I just believe that falling in love with someone doesn't happen over night. Yes, I love him. I love that he is highly intelligent, has morals and values, family oriented, caring, etc...but I don't feel like I'm "in love" with him.

I don't expect him to be in love with me or have I ever forced it out of him. Believe me I'm not having another conversation about ILY again with him.

[Janesays]

I think if a man isn't 'in love' with you after a year, he never will be. And if you're not 'in love' with him now, YOU never will be. I've never dated anyone longer than a year unless we were in the process of planning a wedding. I always thought a year was plenty of time for a man to get to know my character and figure out if I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. After a year I'm expecting a proposal....I love you happened MONTHS ago.

[Juventa2012]

Now I'm confused. If the bolded is the case, then WHY do you want him to say ILY?

 

Saying ILY to someone you are dating, means you are feeling eros. NOT just storge, philia, and for heavens sake, not merely agape. (If you're not sure what I am getting at, google "The Four Loves".) If you're not at eros with your boyfriend, then why are you expecting that he be?

 

I just skimmed over the "The Four Loves". Interesting stuff.

 

• 1 Storge – affection
  
• 2 Philia – friendship
  
• 3 Eros – romance
  
• 4 Agape – unconditional love
  

Eros is romance and everyone has their own interpretation of it. For some women it's getting flowers and gifts, for some it's hearing sweet words. I guess for me, romance would be getting compliments and hearing affirmations from my boyfriend. I consistently receive compliments from him and I can't get enough of his affection and he makes me his priority. That is why I ask myself, is this enough for me? Hearing ILY would be the icing on the cake. And maybe some of he other posters here are right maybe he really doesn't love me. He doesn't know that I'm giving myself a time frame to hear it. Like one other poster said, I may be making a big mistake because of this.

[Juventa2012]

I think if a man isn't 'in love' with you after a year, he never will be. And if you're not 'in love' with him now, YOU never will be. I've never dated anyone longer than a year unless we were in the process of planning a wedding. I always thought a year was plenty of time for a man to get to know my character and figure out if I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. After a year I'm expecting a proposal....I love you happened MONTHS ago.

 

He is always there when I need him, or need some advice, etc.

He wants to spend everyday with me.

He cares about my well being.

He has introduced me to his family and friends.

He includes me in all the important events in his life.

He tries to cheer me up when I'm feeling down.

He asks about my day and my life.

He has offered to help me when I had financially troubles.

The list goes on, but I don't know if there may be "something missing" on his end about me.

That is what is so confusing and hard to understand.

 

Then can someone please explain to me why my boyfriend is doing all of the above? Does he really need/want to waste his time doing all of this things and he just doesn't love me? He is going to be 40 and never married. Does he maybe have more issues on top of his anxiety and depression (he takes meds for this) Is he maybe a commitment phobe? Is he using me?

Sorry all, just have so many thoughts going through my mind right now that I feel like I'm beginning to over-analyze this.

[Janesays]

 

Then can someone please explain to me why my boyfriend is doing all of the above? Does he really need/want to waste his time doing all of this things and he just doesn't love me? He is going to be 40 and never married. Does he maybe have more issues on top of his anxiety and depression (he takes meds for this) Is he maybe a commitment phobe? Is he using me?

Sorry all, just have so many thoughts going through my mind right now that I feel like I'm beginning to over-analyze this.

 

 

Well, maybe he's NICE? That list isn't very telling to me at all. I mean, I do all of those things (And more) for good friends and family. Nothing romantic about it.

 

And you also missed the part where I said if YOU aren't in love with HIM after a year, you most likely will never be. Unless you are just saying you are not in love with him to save face.

[Juventa2012]

Well, maybe he's NICE? That list isn't very telling to me at all. I mean, I do all of those things (And more) for good friends and family. Nothing romantic about it.

 

And you also missed the part where I said if YOU aren't in love with HIM after a year, you most likely will never be. Unless you are just saying you are not in love with him to save face.

 

He does romantic things for me as well, but I didn't list every single thing. I know that I'm not in love with him. I think mainly because at the beginning of our relationship, he wouldn't stop talking about his ex. I mention her in previous posts (the one that used to stalk him, and argue with him constantly) I always felt like, he wasn't over her. How can you fall in love with someone that is constantly talking about their ex? And even though it's been over a year since his breakup, I don't feel like he is completely over her, but I could be wrong.

[Janesays]

He does romantic things for me as well, but I didn't list every single thing. I know that I'm not in love with him. I think mainly because at the beginning of our relationship, he wouldn't stop talking about his ex. I mention her in previous posts (the one that used to stalk him, and argue with him constantly) I always felt like, he wasn't over her. How can you fall in love with someone that is constantly talking about their ex? And even though it's been over a year since his breakup, I don't feel like he is completely over her, but I could be wrong.

 

If you're not in love with him and he's not in love with you and it's BEEN A YEAR, all you're doing at this point is wasting each other's time.

[Ruby Slippers]

Juventa, I would advise you to just ask yourself if this is fulfilling you. Love is not always rainbows and sparkles, and there are hard times. I think the question is: Are those hard times worth it, are they adding up to something meaningful in your life?

 

Is this challenging you in positive ways and bringing out your best? Are you taking care of yourself, being healthy, respecting yourself, making good decisions to stay strong and clear?

 

Listen to your instincts - that gut feeling from way down that is telling you the truth. Not every fleeting fear or emotion or worry - but the feelings at the core.

 

Are you putting up your defenses because you're afraid? Or is it possible this man is not a good match for you, or maybe he was but no longer is? Not every relationship has to last forever.

 

Be good to yourself, because this is an emotional thing you're going through, and it's hard. Do what is right for you, be fair and kind with him, and you can't go wrong.

[newmoon]

He is always there when I need him, or need some advice, etc.

He wants to spend everyday with me.

He cares about my well being.

He has introduced me to his family and friends.

He includes me in all the important events in his life.

He tries to cheer me up when I'm feeling down.

He asks about my day and my life.

He has offered to help me when I had financially troubles.

The list goes on, but I don't know if there may be "something missing" on his end about me.

That is what is so confusing and hard to understand.

 

Then can someone please explain to me why my boyfriend is doing all of the above? Does he really need/want to waste his time doing all of this things and he just doesn't love me? He is going to be 40 and never married. Does he maybe have more issues on top of his anxiety and depression (he takes meds for this) Is he maybe a commitment phobe? Is he using me?

Sorry all, just have so many thoughts going through my mind right now that I feel like I'm beginning to over-analyze this.

 

he CARES for you. he's NICE. he LIKES you because he can be emotionally stingy and you're still there, expecting not much from him. but there is something about you that isn't compelling him to part with the big words. don't make any excuses for why it hasn't been said other than he just doesn't feel love for you. it sucks to hear, but is likely true.

Edited December 13, 2012 by newmoon

[Juventa2012]

Juventa, I would advise you to just ask yourself if this is fulfilling you. Love is not always rainbows and sparkles, and there are hard times. I think the question is: Are those hard times worth it, are they adding up to something meaningful in your life?

 

Is this challenging you in positive ways and bringing out your best? Are you taking care of yourself, being healthy, respecting yourself, making good decisions to stay strong and clear?

 

Listen to your instincts - that gut feeling from way down that is telling you the truth. Not every fleeting fear or emotion or worry - but the feelings at the core.

 

Are you putting up your defenses because you're afraid? Or is it possible this man is not a good match for you, or maybe he was but no longer is? Not every relationship has to last forever.

 

Be good to yourself, because this is an emotional thing you're going through, and it's hard. Do what is right for you, be fair and kind with him, and you can't go wrong.

 

Thank you Ruby Slippers!

Yes, I'm afraid, of being hurt. Reading your post, made me realize that I've lost my sense of self and who I am. I'm beginning to ask myself questions--What is it about me that makes me valuable? What do I have to offer? Could it be that I'm too available? That I don't have a life other than work and him? I have a job, I work out, I take care of myself, I do things with my friends once in a while, but that is like any normal woman. I have stopped doing what I enjoy. Sometimes I feel like I'm running out of time.

[sweetkiwi]

I left my man for this exact reason. He couldn't say he loved me. And like you i had this laundry list of things he did that showed me he cared, but it wasn't love. I had to choose between being his best friend and sex buddy, or leaving him to eventually find someone who loves me. It hasn't been very long but i don't regret it. Its hard but i know what i deserve. And its not to be an easy woman to be with. Its to be with someone and not being able to live without EACHOTHER.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am with Jane.. After one year - it's proposal time. ILY happens in less than 3 months...

[Tara247]

i am the opposite in argument ill say i really love you but honestly you really suck at the moment....or you really piss me off right now lets talk later....saying you care about someone and enjoy spending time with them is an early dating scenario to m e...if you have been with someone for a year i feel that imparts a commitment and commitment to me is love....showing passion is showing" in love".....

lets break it down to those three words you want to be told.....

 

why do you need to hear them?

 

I'd need to hear them. Hell, yeah! Anything less wouldn't be sufficient.

[Juventa2012]

I left my man for this exact reason. He couldn't say he loved me. And like you i had this laundry list of things he did that showed me he cared, but it wasn't love. I had to choose between being his best friend and sex buddy, or leaving him to eventually find someone who loves me. It hasn't been very long but i don't regret it. Its hard but i know what i deserve. And its not to be an easy woman to be with. Its to be with someone and not being able to live without EACHOTHER.

 

Hi Sweetkiwi and thank you for your post.

Did he ever give any reason why he didn't say it?

I may not every get my reasons, but I know what I have to do.

I know that analyzing it is a waste of time, but I will always wonder why he went through all that trouble to do some things that only men who love someone do.

Edited December 14, 2012 by Juventa2012

[Imajerk17]

Hi,

I see why you may be confused but I just believe that falling in love with someone doesn't happen over night. Yes, I love him. I love that he is highly intelligent, has morals and values, family oriented, caring, etc...but I don't feel like I'm "in love" with him.

I don't expect him to be in love with me or have I ever forced it out of him. Believe me I'm not having another conversation about ILY again with him.

 

So you're expecting something from him that you really aren't able to give yourself. You aren't in love with him. He might not be in love with you. The problem as I see it is that you can't leave it be. You said ILY *incorrectly* and you expect him to say it back within 2 months (I'm referring not only to the post I quoted but some others too). And if he doesn't say ILY by then, well then according to you and most all the other females, he's the bad guy for "not feeling it", and it couldn't be about you and what you might be doing in the relationship.

 

(The sad thing is that my above paragraph happens all the time probably. As a guy, this is the one thing I (and many other men) truly dislike about many women: Expecting an investment from the men they are dating that they themselves can't make. Feminine entitlement. Not every woman has it, but many do. But I digress...)

 

The "you go girl" posts you are getting from the other females on here (with the exception of Janesays--you go girl!) might make you feel better but they aren't helping anyone. Here's the thing. We guys don't decide we want to spend "forever" with you due to your bringing drama and heavy conversations into the relationship. In fact, it drains us. It makes us feel you're a "heavy" and it makes us crave being single again. The women we might have chased didn't love us as you do but they didn't make us feel so damn guilty all the time. (Maybe this paragraph also doesn't really apply to your situation Juventa but I still felt it needs to be said...)

 

Anyway, I'd respect your situation a lot more if you said something like "I have been dating a man for over a year, I love him but I'm not "in love" and I don't think he is either... should we continue?" See the difference?

Edited December 15, 2012 by Imajerk17

[Juventa2012]

So you're expecting something from him that you really aren't able to give yourself. You aren't in love with him. He might not be in love with you. The problem as I see it is that you can't leave it be. You said ILY *incorrectly* and you expect him to say it back within 2 months (I'm referring not only to the post I quoted but some others too). And if he doesn't say ILY by then, well then according to you and most all the other females, he's the bad guy for "not feeling it", and it couldn't be about you and what you might be doing in the relationship.

 

(The sad thing is that my above paragraph happens all the time probably. As a guy, this is the one thing I (and many other men) truly dislike about many women: Expecting an investment from the men they are dating that they themselves can't make. Feminine entitlement. Not every woman has it, but many do. But I digress...)

 

The "you go girl" posts you are getting from the other females on here (with the exception of Janesays--you go girl!) might make you feel better but they aren't helping anyone. Here's the thing. We guys don't decide we want to spend "forever" with you due to your bringing drama and heavy conversations into the relationship. In fact, it drains us. It makes us feel you're a "heavy" and it makes us crave being single again. The women we might have chased didn't love us as you do but they didn't make us feel so damn guilty all the time. (Maybe this paragraph also doesn't really apply to your situation Juventa but I still felt it needs to be said...)

 

Anyway, I'd respect your situation a lot more if you said something like "I have been dating a man for over a year, I love him but I'm not "in love" and I don't think he is either... should we continue?" See the difference?

 

Hi!

I see what you are saying and you're right, some of what you said, really doesn't apply to me. Honestly, I rarely bring "drama" and heavy conversations to our relationship but when something is bothering me about the way he is behaving towards me, I'm going to tell him about it. For example, I don't like the fact that he likes going to clubs and likes flirting and socializing with women. That just doesn't sit well with me and will tell him that.

 

After I said ILY to him, and I admit, it wasn't the most romantic scenario, but that is how I felt at that moment, I have not brought it up again, so I have "let it be". Nor have I discussed that night with him again.

Frankly, I'm pretty down to earth and laid back. And as my boyfriend says to me I'm "no drama" and he gave me a gift with a card saying "the best for the best" But honestly, gifts don't matter to me. I'm more of an "affirmation" type of woman. He knows where I stand. We actually communicate very well.

 

I think that I mentioned it somewhere in my previous posts, that for me, love is a description of my feelings. If I want to describe my relationship or make commitments, I do that as well. Love is powerful factor in that, but it would make me very SAD if someone was holding back from saying ILY to me in return, because there is an idea that love means your life is automatically mapped out. If I want a future with a man, I will sit down and map out my life with him, not throw around a word that describes my feelings.

My love is unconditional, but my time, relationships, my commitments and my energy are very conditional.

 

This is why I gave myself until the end of January. I needed to give myself that time frame because I have to think about my future as well. I do love him and just because I'm not in love, doesn't mean that I would have never fallen in love with him. I mean is there really a difference between "love and in love?" I would do anything for this man and I know he would do anything for me.

Edited December 17, 2012 by Juventa2012

[Juventa2012]

UPDATE and just venting--

 

I'm apologizing in advance for rambling on this post.

I know I gave myself until the end of January but I'm just about done here! I'm sick of it!

Last night, my boyfriend asked me to go have a beer with him out of the blue. He said "What are you doing? I'm coming to pick you up so we can go have a beer" I said "OK" Stupid me! Here I am thinking that he wants to spend quality time with me and get romantic and "talk". But no, he basically spent most of the night watching the game and chatting about the game to me. I was bored out of my mind!

 

When the game was over. He proceeded to spend most of remainder of the time talking about my best friend who has been dating this man for about 5 months and he proposed to her. WTH? Why would that even bother him? He barley knows my best friend.

Then he goes on to tell me HOW HE WOULD PROPOSE. Who does that? Like I want to hear about he wants to propose some day to some OTHER woman. That's f***kin crazy!

Then he starts talking about his ex (the crazy stalker one) about he fell in love with her because she was intelligent, opinionated, cultured blah, blah blah.

I finally had to stop him and say "Can you please take me home now?"

I'm sorry, but I'm really beginning to be convinced of 1) he is not over his ex 2) he is using me 3) he has mental issues.

HE DOES NOT LOVE ME!

Any thoughts/opinions about his behavior?

Edited December 19, 2012 by Juventa2012

[Ruby Slippers]

Then he goes on to tell me HOW HE WOULD PROPOSE. Who does that? Like I want to hear about he wants to propose some day to some OTHER woman. That's f***kin crazy!

Wait - he told you how he would propose to someone else? Or just how he would propose in general?

 

Then he starts talking about his ex (the crazy stalker one) about he fell in love with her because she was intelligent, opinionated, cultured blah, blah blah.

I finally had to stop him and say "Can you please take me home now?"

I'm sorry, but he sounds... not very smart. And yeah, after your big talk, telling you this is... not good.

 

I agree that he's not over his ex and he has issues. But I don't agree he's using you. You have free will and are choosing to stay with him.

 

It sounds to me like he's giving you hints that he doesn't see this relationship going anywhere, either - but he's too much of a coward to end it himself. He's giving you hints so you'll get fed up and leave. That's my take.

[geegirl]

If he was talking about how he would propose in general, I would think he is just talking off the top of his head but if it came off as how he would propose to someone else, I'd most likely get the hint. I don't think he has mental issues either. Not getting the response you need just means he is not as emotionally invested as you are. It doesn't mean he is ill.

 

I don't think he's using you but if it makes you feel that way then maybe it's time to re-evaluate. A relationship shouldn't by all means make you feel used. That won't change because he's going to keep doing what he's doing.

 

You went into the evening having expectations. He just wanted to hang out. That's perfectly fine. That aside, I have to agree with Ruby. His comments about his ex is a subtle way of telling you he's not as invested. If anything he should be telling you, his girlfriend how great and wonderful you are.

[Juventa2012]

Wait - he told you how he would propose to someone else? Or just how he would propose in general?

 

 

I'm sorry, but he sounds... not very smart. And yeah, after your big talk, telling you this is... not good.

 

I agree that he's not over his ex and he has issues. But I don't agree he's using you. You have free will and are choosing to stay with him.

 

It sounds to me like he's giving you hints that he doesn't see this relationship going anywhere, either - but he's too much of a coward to end it himself. He's giving you hints so you'll get fed up and leave. That's my take.

 

Hi Ruby Slippers!

To answer your question--He told me how he would propose in general. But still, I just feel it was just not right. I mean, who does that?

You are probably right about the hints! What is so odd to me is that when he knows that I get upset at these things, he pretends like he didn't say anything hurtful to me and acts like nothing. Hes back to his cheery normal self in seconds.

I'm so hurt, I'm going to leave!

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds like he has poor/weird communication in a romantic relationship - or at least with you.

 

My boyfriend does, too, and it's a big part of why I'm seriously considering breaking up with him after Christmas.

[Juventa2012]

If he was talking about how he would propose in general, I would think he is just talking off the top of his head but if it came off as how he would propose to someone else, I'd most likely get the hint. I don't think he has mental issues either. Not getting the response you need just means he is not as emotionally invested as you are. It doesn't mean he is ill.

 

I don't think he's using you but if it makes you feel that way then maybe it's time to re-evaluate. A relationship shouldn't by all means make you feel used. That won't change because he's going to keep doing what he's doing.

 

You went into the evening having expectations. He just wanted to hang out. That's perfectly fine. That aside, I have to agree with Ruby. His comments about his ex is a subtle way of telling you he's not as invested. If anything he should be telling you, his girlfriend how great and wonderful you are.

 

Hi geegirl and thank you!

Even if he were to talk about he would propose in general like he did, it just doesn't seem normal to me. I mean, I was sitting there and said "It's ok, I don't want to hear it." I know you don't think he is mentally ill, but I honestly think that there is a problem with his way of thinking.

fyi--he takes meds for anxiety and depression and I think it affects him.

 

At any rate, it's become increasingly clear to me that he is not over his ex and that her dysfunctional wild side appealed to him. I mean what man even considers marrying a woman that stalked him, recorded his conversations, almost got him arrested and fought constantly with him.

I'm as dramatic as they come but I'm just too mature to even go there.

 

 

That f****in insane!

[Juventa2012]

It sounds like he has poor/weird communication in a romantic relationship - or at least with you.

 

My boyfriend does, too, and it's a big part of why I'm seriously considering breaking up with him after Christmas.

 

 

You know, I'm very sad, but I'm mostly disappointed in myself. Just last weekend he told me that he got my Christmas present! He sends me a text from the dept store saying "I got the best for the best" Stupid text! Those words mean nothing to me now.

[geegirl]

Hi geegirl and thank you!

Even if he were to talk about he would propose in general like he did, it just doesn't seem normal to me. I mean, I was sitting there and said "It's ok, I don't want to hear it." I know you don't think he is mentally ill, but I honestly think that there is a problem with his way of thinking.

fyi--he takes meds for anxiety and depression and I think it affects him.

 

At any rate, it's become increasingly clear to me that he is not over his ex and that her dysfunctional wild side appealed to him. I mean what man even considers marrying a woman that stalked him, recorded his conversations, almost got him arrested and fought constantly with him.

I'm as dramatic as they come but I'm just too mature to even go there.

 

 

That f****in insane!

 

If he puts an ex that treated him that way on a pedestal, you have to to question his emotional health.

 

I know it hurts you but if who he is consistenly makes you feel bad about yourself and the relationship, maybe it's time retire from this.