No response to "I love you" Should I leave?

[Juventa2012]

It's difficult and upsetting to go through...

 

A couple of things:

 

#1: Consider harvesting your eggs and freezing them. You are at the cutoff for this (42/43 and sometimes earlier depending on your hormone levels), so I would see a reproductive endocrinologist to get tested and discuss your options, if having bio kids is something you want.

 

#2

I would talk to your boyfriend (in an open, non-confrontational manner) and see what he has to say. Communication is always useful.

 

#3

He wants a family "someday" and doesn't welcome YOU saying ILY at a year into the relationship? Given your ages, the odds are against you being "the one" unfortunately.

 

I hope you get some clarity. Good luck!

 

I just think it may be too late to even try! I've thought about seeing a DR but still undecided. I would love to adopt if possible and if I'm unable to have a child but I need to get moving fast or it will be too late. Thank you for your advice!

[MissBee]

Yep... HUGE red flag. That red flag is so obvious, it's on fire. Apparently his ability to show love through actions kept her hanging on in hope for 7 years!

 

Being affectionate isn't always about showing love though. You have to remember that there is something for HIM in giving affection. He gets to have a companion. He gets intimacy. He gets sex. He gets friendship. So it is beneficial to him to have a relationship with you.

 

This does not necessarily mean he loves you, and it definitely doesn't mean he will ever marry you or say the words "I love you".

 

This is so true!

 

Lots of women need to realize this (men too). Relationships provide benefits, even if the person isn't in love with you. It is weird for me, because I cannot imagine investing in a man I cannot say I love you to...but people do it.

 

A male friend of mine likes women and relationships. His last girlfriend, they lived together for 3 years and the one before, 5 years. Yet, he has told me he has only ever been in love with one woman (none of those longterm gfs with whom he LIVED WITH and even considered having kids with, were her! ). He spoke about the gf he was in love with and how he couldn't stop thinking about her and wanted to marry her etc. He then says about the other women, they liked him, he liked them and loved them but wasn't inlove and just was comfortable with them. They were madly in love with him though and he even said he told the 5 yr girl that he loved her but wasn't inlove and she stuck around. He had this really passive attitude like, they like me, I like them well enough, let's live together and be in a relationship! But it wasn't driven by him being soooo inlove with them.

 

Like I said, bizarre for me, as I just don't get into relationships that casually, furthermore a live-in situation! But for him...it was no big deal. I do think for lots of people, especially men, can do this. You get someone who loves you, takes care of you, who is fun, who you can sleep with. My friend also says he is not a player and doesn't like the idea of sleeping around with many women so he prefers to have one woman and he also has this woman as his bestfriend when he's in a relationship with her. So for him, having a gf, even if he is not inlove, allows him the convenience and hygienic nature of having one woman he can sleep with who can also be his bestfriend.

 

It's not all that bad of a deal...if all parties are on the same page. But frankly, I want a man who is madly inlove with me. I don't want one who can live with me, who likes me, but who knows he has been inlove before but it's not with me! So it's about what you ultimately want and what's acceptable to you. Your guy seems commitment phobic indeed and there is a myth that commitment phobes avoid ALL relationships. Not true. You have different levels of it. Some can date indefinitely, that is be with someone for 10 years, but only get scared if marriage is discussed. Some can marry, but simply cheat in the marriage, or some marry and all is well until they have a child then feel trapped. Some also can date then after sex they pull away and some can date but won't say I love you, and if that happens they freak out. Your guy seems like the latter. It's up to you though. I know you love him so you're going to make excuses for why he is this way (which may be valid)...but at the end of the day, most of us cannot love another's issues away. Most women think if I just love him a lot I will love away his "crazy ex's memory who traumatized his soul" or he will one day love me just as much....but usually women just waste their times. All we can do is accept that this person may be like this forever and decide if we really want that or not.

Edited December 5, 2012 by MissBee

[Cutiepie1976]

Yup!

 

It's much easier for many guys to be in a relationship than it is to search constantly for dates, put energy, time, and money into asking dozens/hundreds of women to get to a date, most of whom will reject him. Plan and go out on dates, most of which will go nowhere. Put in all the hard work of trying to get each new woman to sleep with him, have to wear a condom which takes away some of the pleasure, etc. A relationship with someone easy-going who doesn't make a lot of demands is a lot simpler, gets him regular sex with very little effort, hot meals, etc.

 

Compared to the alternatives, it's a no-brainer for some.

[edgygirl]

I did not read all posts but just wanted to say that my last ex, who I ended up loving more than anything in the world, also said it first (he's a guy), and at the time I didn't feel it yet and didn't say the same.

 

It took me a few weeks but I got there.

 

Relax Pretend it didn't happen, for now. Wait a bit. If he doesn't get there, then you rethink if you want to keep seeing him. Let him relax and don't pressure about it. If it's supposed to happen, it will come naturally.

[CptObvious]

smart dude, he knows what he's doing

[Juventa2012]

I did not read all posts but just wanted to say that my last ex, who I ended up loving more than anything in the world, also said it first (he's a guy), and at the time I didn't feel it yet and didn't say the same.

 

It took me a few weeks but I got there.

 

Relax Pretend it didn't happen, for now. Wait a bit. If he doesn't get there, then you rethink if you want to keep seeing him. Let him relax and don't pressure about it. If it's supposed to happen, it will come naturally.

 

 

This is all fine and dandy and this may work when you are in your twenties, but I really don't have time to wait around for him to say it. I mean, if he never said it to his ex girlfriend when he was in his 20's then he's probably not going to say it to me.

[Juventa2012]

This is so true!

 

Lots of women need to realize this (men too). Relationships provide benefits, even if the person isn't in love with you. It is weird for me, because I cannot imagine investing in a man I cannot say I love you to...but people do it.

 

A male friend of mine likes women and relationships. His last girlfriend, they lived together for 3 years and the one before, 5 years. Yet, he has told me he has only ever been in love with one woman (none of those longterm gfs with whom he LIVED WITH and even considered having kids with, were her! ). He spoke about the gf he was in love with and how he couldn't stop thinking about her and wanted to marry her etc. He then says about the other women, they liked him, he liked them and loved them but wasn't inlove and just was comfortable with them. They were madly in love with him though and he even said he told the 5 yr girl that he loved her but wasn't inlove and she stuck around. He had this really passive attitude like, they like me, I like them well enough, let's live together and be in a relationship! But it wasn't driven by him being soooo inlove with them.

 

Like I said, bizarre for me, as I just don't get into relationships that casually, furthermore a live-in situation! But for him...it was no big deal. I do think for lots of people, especially men, can do this. You get someone who loves you, takes care of you, who is fun, who you can sleep with. My friend also says he is not a player and doesn't like the idea of sleeping around with many women so he prefers to have one woman and he also has this woman as his bestfriend when he's in a relationship with her. So for him, having a gf, even if he is not inlove, allows him the convenience and hygienic nature of having one woman he can sleep with who can also be his bestfriend.

 

It's not all that bad of a deal...if all parties are on the same page. But frankly, I want a man who is madly inlove with me. I don't want one who can live with me, who likes me, but who knows he has been inlove before but it's not with me! So it's about what you ultimately want and what's acceptable to you. Your guy seems commitment phobic indeed and there is a myth that commitment phobes avoid ALL relationships. Not true. You have different levels of it. Some can date indefinitely, that is be with someone for 10 years, but only get scared if marriage is discussed. Some can marry, but simply cheat in the marriage, or some marry and all is well until they have a child then feel trapped. Some also can date then after sex they pull away and some can date but won't say I love you, and if that happens they freak out. Your guy seems like the latter. It's up to you though. I know you love him so you're going to make excuses for why he is this way (which may be valid)...but at the end of the day, most of us cannot love another's issues away. Most women think if I just love him a lot I will love away his "crazy ex's memory who traumatized his soul" or he will one day love me just as much....but usually women just waste their times. All we can do is accept that this person may be like this forever and decide if we really want that or not.

 

Hi MissBee and thank you.

Honestly, I don't think my guy got scared when I said "I love you" Actually, I felt him getting closer to me! Being more affectionate, doing more things for me, more concerned about everything! Yeah, you would think that he would run for the hills and disappear or distance himself and he is doing the complete opposite! He sent me a text this morning asking me what I wanted for Christmas!

Well, I'm supposed to see him tomorrow night and I plan on calmly asking him a few questions about "love."

I just want some answers. Like Pteromom said, information is power!

[MissBee]

Hi MissBee and thank you.

Honestly, I don't think my guy got scared when I said "I love you" Actually, I felt him getting closer to me! Being more affectionate, doing more things for me, more concerned about everything! Yeah, you would think that he would run for the hills and disappear or distance himself and he is doing the complete opposite! He sent me a text this morning asking me what I wanted for Christmas!

Well, I'm supposed to see him tomorrow night and I plan on calmly asking him a few questions about "love."

I just want some answers. Like Pteromom said, information is power!

 

Yea ask him about it...because his response is weird but also quite classic of commitment phobes.

 

You've been together a year. If it were 3 months or so fine...but a year, usually most people have said I love yous by then. But you also have the clues about this being his issue and pattern based on his prior relationships. Sometimes we think "he'll be different with me" when it's not about you. It's about him and no matter who the woman is, he may very well never overcome this.

 

My fear for you, is that because you love him, you'll just ignore the red flags. He seems to have never said I love you to anyone he's been with, even longer than he's been with you. Don't ignore this.

 

Also him being "closer"...what does that mean? You said he asked you what you want for Christmas. My response is so what? That's hardly the issue right? Getting you a Christmas gift doesn't erase the issue and some people try to deflect by doing that...they think if I'm extra sweet, buy her a nice gift, etc. she'll forget this whole thing. So please don't simply substitute trivial actions, like a text about Christmas gifts, for the serious conversation you need to have. I don't see that as him being closer...that's a very superficial action. I'm not trying to be harsh by the way but it's a common reaction we have...to know a behavior is alarming or a red flag but we sooo want it to not be what we think so we start downplaying it.

 

Do have the conversation and do let us know how it works out.

[Juventa2012]

Yea ask him about it...because his response is weird but also quite classic of commitment phobes.

 

You've been together a year. If it were 3 months or so fine...but a year, usually most people have said I love yous by then. But you also have the clues about this being his issue and pattern based on his prior relationships. Sometimes we think "he'll be different with me" when it's not about you. It's about him and no matter who the woman is, he may very well never overcome this.

 

My fear for you, is that because you love him, you'll just ignore the red flags. He seems to have never said I love you to anyone he's been with, even longer than he's been with you. Don't ignore this.

 

Also him being "closer"...what does that mean? You said he asked you what you want for Christmas. My response is so what? That's hardly the issue right? Getting you a Christmas gift doesn't erase the issue and some people try to deflect by doing that...they think if I'm extra sweet, buy her a nice gift, etc. she'll forget this whole thing. So please don't simply substitute trivial actions, like a text about Christmas gifts, for the serious conversation you need to have. I don't see that as him being closer...that's a very superficial action. I'm not trying to be harsh by the way but it's a common reaction we have...to know a behavior is alarming or a red flag but we sooo want it to not be what we think so we start downplaying it.

 

Do have the conversation and do let us know how it works out.

 

I completely agree with you! It is HIM not me! It's his issues within himself and I don't believe he will be different with me. He did claim that he was in love with the "crazy ex" the gf that he dated for 3 years before me. I don't get it! He fell in love with a girl with whom he had a toxic and dysfunctional relationship with? Where that comes from only he knows and I'm not about to analyze it!

Yeah and the "what do you want for Christmas" question didn't really faze me, I just thought it was odd of him to ask with everything that has been going on between us. Let's just say I haven't been my usual self with him and maybe he notices.

[Shohane]

@Juventa2012: No, leave!!! No response means "no". I have seen this happen to a girl before: She did not leave, she insisted on staying, only to have her heart broken when he finally left her.... Have you heard of the "Casanova-type" men?

So... leave! Make him miss you. If he does love you, he WILL run after you. If he does not, why wait around for him?

Edited December 6, 2012 by Shohane

[Cutiepie1976]

I did not read all posts but just wanted to say that my last ex, who I ended up loving more than anything in the world, also said it first (he's a guy), and at the time I didn't feel it yet and didn't say the same.

 

It took me a few weeks but I got there.

 

Relax Pretend it didn't happen, for now. Wait a bit. If he doesn't get there, then you rethink if you want to keep seeing him. Let him relax and don't pressure about it. If it's supposed to happen, it will come naturally.

 

Did it take you over a year to fall in love with him?

[Juventa2012]

Hi Cutiepie!

I don't know if you were asking me or edgygirl the question but if your question is for me, my answer is yes, it took me about a year to realize that I "love" him. I'm not "in love" with him. If we break up tomorrow, yes I will be hurt, but I know that I will be able to move on fairly quickly. Unlike my first relationship where it took me years to get over that one!

[Juventa2012]

@Juventa2012: No, leave!!! No response means "no". I have seen this happen to a girl before: She did not leave, she insisted on staying, only to have her heart broken when he finally left her.... Have you heard of the "Casanova-type" men?

So... leave! Make him miss you. If he does love you, he WILL run after you. If he does not, why wait around for him?

 

Yes, I totally get what you are saying. Yes, I plan to leave once I get my answers. Well, that's if he chooses to give me answers. Either way, my expectations are low and that's my plan. I'm supposed to see him tomorrow night. Not to defend him, but believe me, he is not the "Casanova" type.

He just has major insecurity and immaturity issues which may stem from his parents being separated when he was a teenager.

He's an all around "good guy" with a little "geekyness" He suffers from depression and anxiety too. I do wish him the best though. I hope he ends up finding what he looking for.

[Taramere]

Hi all!

I've posted here before about my issues with my boyfriend! I've been with him for a little over a year. Hes 39 and I'm 43!

 

I think I might have made a terrible mistake. Something I never thought I would ever do.

This past weekend was my boyfriends birthday. Let's just say I was a little "tipsy" and we got into a bit of an argument and I said"I love you" to him! Oh, how I really regret saying it because he has not said to me.

 

Honestly, I felt so stupid and disappointed in his reaction. He looked at me so dumbfounded and just said, "you don't love me" he went on to say "this is just the wrong situation to say that because we are arguing" and to my disappointed there was no "I love you" said back.

 

The next morning, I told him how hurt I was and all he said was "I really care about you and I enjoy spending time with you."

So, what do I do now? I don't want to be in a relationship where someone doesn't feel the same way as I do for them. What should I say? How should I go about it. I'm confused and lost. Your opinions and advice are appreciated. Thanks in advance!

 

There's not a wrong time to tell somebody "I love you"... just a wrong person to say it to. Somebody who doesn't want to hear it is definitely a wrong person to say it to. That was a horrible slap in the face to give you. To criticise you for showing love.

 

As somebody else said, you're presenting the forum with reasons as to why you shouldn't stay with him, and then when people tell you to walk you're trying to talk them out of that perspective. Do you think he'd be so quick to come up with reasons to try to talk you out of walking? I think you need to have a very cool, calm and honest conversation with him, if you can put aside your hurt feelings sufficiently to do so. To do that, you probably need to be certain in a couple of things.

 

1. You didn't screw up by telling him you loved him. It wasn't an inappropriate thing to say to somebody you are in a romantic and sexual relationship with. If he didn't want to hear those words, it would be better that he own that than to criticise you for expressing positive feelings about him in a way that he doesn't feel able to reciprocate.

 

2. You will not make this relationship work if he doesn't want to commit. Hiding from it and making excuses for his lukewarm input won't fix things.

 

It's probably time for you to tell him what you want from a relationship, and to give him the opportunity to remove himself from it if he doesn't want the same things. To do it in as calm and straightforward a way as you can...because in situations like that, the other person will tend to see any expression of emotion, however genuine, as guilt-tripping or manipulative.

 

I think you feel that his "I care about you and enjoy being with you" sounds very much like "I don't love you in the way that you love me". I'd be inclined to agree that that's how it comes across. It's very hard on you, and it must hurt a lot, but I don't think you can hide from the clear inadequacies in this relationship by just avoiding bringing up the L word again and hoping that things just somehow work out.

Edited December 6, 2012 by Taramere

[stillafool]

Well since you aren't "in love" with him but just love him, he may feel that type of love for you also. I have people/friends that I just love but am not in love with them. Your not being in love makes a big difference in this thread.

[Juventa2012]

There's not a wrong time to tell somebody "I love you"... just a wrong person to say it to. Somebody who doesn't want to hear it is definitely a wrong person to say it to. That was a horrible slap in the face to give you. To criticise you for showing love.

 

As somebody else said, you're presenting the forum with reasons as to why you shouldn't stay with him, and then when people tell you to walk you're trying to talk them out of that perspective. Do you think he'd be so quick to come up with reasons to try to talk you out of walking? I think you need to have a very cool, calm and honest conversation with him, if you can put aside your hurt feelings sufficiently to do so. To do that, you probably need to be certain in a couple of things.

 

1. You didn't screw up by telling him you loved him. It wasn't an inappropriate thing to say to somebody you are in a romantic and sexual relationship with. If he didn't want to hear those words, it would be better that he own that than to criticise you for expressing positive feelings about him in a way that he doesn't feel able to reciprocate.

 

2. You will not make this relationship work if he doesn't want to commit. Hiding from it and making excuses for his lukewarm input won't fix things.

 

It's probably time for you to tell him what you want from a relationship, and to give him the opportunity to remove himself from it if he doesn't want the same things. To do it in as calm and straightforward a way as you can...because in situations like that, the other person will tend to see any expression of emotion, however genuine, as guilt-tripping or manipulative.

 

I think you feel that his "I care about you and enjoy being with you" sounds very much like "I don't love you in the way that you love me". I'd be inclined to agree that that's how it comes across. It's very hard on you, and it must hurt a lot, but I don't think you can hide from the clear inadequacies in this relationship by just avoiding bringing up the L word again and hoping that things just somehow work out.

 

Hi Taramere!

Yes, I've tried walking and he does stop me from walking out! He tells me that I'm going to mess up this relationship and that I don't what I'm doing this relationship blah, blah, blah! I say to him "don't you dare turn this around on me" and the argument just goes in circles! I'm ready to leave! Not making excuses to stay. Just want to confront him tomorrow night. I may not get the answers that I want but at least I will have closure. Yes, I'm hurt and he replied in a cowardly way. It's best I calmly talk to him and just ask him. "Is it that you don't feel it or you are scared to say it?" Even though I think I have my answer I want to hear it come from his mouth.

[Juventa2012]

Well since you aren't "in love" with him but just love him, he may feel that type of love for you also. I have people/friends that I just love but am not in love with them. Your not being in love makes a big difference in this thread.

 

Exactly! I only said "I love you" to him, not "I'm in love with you"

I still think his empty response was hurtful and I'm not hoping to hear it later. I just want to know now (tomorrow night) so that I can walk with closure.

[Imajerk17]

Juventa, you mentioned you wanted some male responses, so here I am. I am a guy who has been in your boyfriend's situation, and I am going to do my best to give you a glimpse of what I was thinking and feeling at the time.

 

First of all, I was not stringing the girl along until something better came along. What was happening with me is that, basically, I was torn.

 

Yes I got to see how giving she was and I did "really care for" her. Yes, as wonderful as she had been to me and for me, there was no way I could bear to walk away from this girl or leave her crying. Yes I had plenty of moments where I could see myself spending the rest of my life with her.

 

BUT I also had moments where I doubted. I felt there was still something missing. For as terrific and kind as she was to me, I didn't feel quite the level of physical attraction for her that I wanted to feel, and the idea of forsaking every other girl **for the rest of my life** was just a really scary one for me. I'm not positive why I wasn't as attracted as I needed to be, but I wasn't.

 

So anyway, I postponed coming up at that fork in the road, where we would either have to break up or making a stronger commitment for the future. It's kind of like sticking your head in the sand but it's just what I did. I postponed saying (and feeling) ILY. If I said it, I got the feeling we would be cascading down towards committing to a lifetime together. And as I mentioned in the above paragraph, that felt to me like starting the slippery slide to over the edge of a cliff.

 

Before you think I am a *ahem* jerk, I take my commitments very seriously. I knew my reservations would make it a challenge to honour that commitment for the rest of my life. Does this make me (or this guy) a horrible person? I believe half of marriages don't work out, and I don't want to end up divorced.

 

Anyway, I gave you my uncensored take for your benefit. I hope this helps!

Edited December 6, 2012 by Imajerk17

[Juventa2012]

Juventa, I am a guy who has been in your boyfriend's situation, and I am going to do my best to give you a glimpse of what I was thinking and feeling at the time.

 

First of all, I was not stringing the girl along until something better came along. What was happening with me is that, basically, I was torn.

 

Yes I got to see how giving she was and I did "really care for" her. Yes as wonderful as she had been to me and for me, there was no way I could bear to walk away from this girl or leave her crying.

 

BUT there was still something missing. For as terrific and kind as she was to me, for whatever reason I didn't feel quite the level of physical attraction for her that I wanted to feel, and the idea of forsaking every other girl **for the rest of my life** was just a really scary one for me.

 

So anyway, I postponed heading down that road. I postponed saying (and feeling) ILY. If I said it, I got the feeling we would be cascading down towards committing to a lifetime together. And as I mentioned in the above paragraph, that felt to me like sliding over the edge of a cliff.

 

Before you think I am a *ahem* jerk, I take my commitments very seriously. I knew my reservations would make it a challenge to honour that commitment for the rest of my life. Does this make me (or this guy) a horrible person? I believe half of marriages don't work out, and I don't want to end up divorced.

 

Anyway, I gave you my uncensored take for your benefit. I hope this helps!

 

Wow! Thank you! I really appreciate hearing a guy's perspective on this.

It's funny how powerful the word "love" can be. I guess for me, saying "I love you" to my boyfriend is a description of my feelings and not that I expect that he is going to marry me tomorrow.

 

By the way I've been married now divorced. I think a lot of men fear saying those words because of what women may interpret them to be. I want to find an honest, monogamous and loyal man to grow old with.

 

It makes me sad that someone would hold back telling me that they love me because there's an idea that love means that you are automatically going to marry, have a house with a white picked fence and have babies. My love is pretty unconditional, but my time, my relationships and my energy are very conditional. Btw, what ever happened to that girl?

Edited December 6, 2012 by Juventa2012

[Imajerk17]

It makes me sad that someone would hold back telling me that they love me because there's an idea that love means that you are automatically going to marry, have a house with a white picked fence and have babies. My love is pretty unconditional, but my time, my relationships and my energy are very conditional. Btw, what ever happened to that girl?

 

Well, if a guy tells you he loves you and he isn't ready to plan on forsaking all other women for eternity to be giving you a rest-of-your-lives commmitment, then he will feel that he was lying to you. Indeed, the above--planning on growing old together with 2.3 kids and white picket fences in the meanwhile--is most people's definition of love. So then he just won't say it.

 

She and I broke up a long long time ago (2006). I found out that she is (re)-married, to the next guy she dated right after me I believe. Yes I Facebook stalked...

 

I was crushed at the time--she broke up with me and I had wanted to stay friends but she wasn't having any of that. But looking back, we just weren't right for each other. I sincerely hope she is well and all (we aren't in contact at all) ...

Edited December 6, 2012 by Imajerk17

[ascendotum]

@Juventa2012: No, leave!!! No response means "no". I have seen this happen to a girl before: She did not leave, she insisted on staying, only to have her heart broken when he finally left her.... Have you heard of the "Casanova-type" men?

So... leave! Make him miss you. If he does love you, he WILL run after you. If he does not, why wait around for him?

 

Just because a guy does not say I love you, does not mean he is a casanova, especially if his track record is not one of flipping women regularly in under a year. Come on now. A casanova would know how to play women, he would tell them what they want to hear.

 

Some people just have a hard time getting that endorphin rush, some people just unfortunately don't end up with the types of partner that really gets them thinking about them all excited to pull their clothes off when they come home at the end of the day. It does not mean they don't have strong feelings of attachment for the person or have any intention of cheating or are on the lookout to upgrade to something better, it just means they are content with a devoted relationship.

 

I'd say this guy is happy to be in a relationship where he is not so in love. Maybe with the 'crazy' ex it was the dysfunctional wild side to her nature that appealed to him, maybe there was more passion in her nature both in and out of the bedroom that really had him hooked.

 

Lots of people end up in just emotionally comfortable relationships I reckon, where they love the person but are not intensely in love with the person...and I would have thought this happens more so with couples late 30s up. Its easier to get devotion than inspire lust then.

Edited December 6, 2012 by ascendotum

[Shohane]

Just because a guy does not say I love you, does not mean he is a casanova, especially if his track record is not one of flipping women regularly in under a year. Come on now. A casanova would know how to play women, he would tell them what they want to hear.

Oh no no, sorry, please don't get me wrong. I meant that the other guy that I met was a Casanova, not Juventa's guy.

 

IMO, love can't be forced. Neither can you force or try to get the other person say "I love you"... I would take it gently, let things take care of themselves and when the time comes, hopefully he will say it.

[integralForest]

That's terrible! Some people are slower to fall in love and of course love is very personally subjective, but a year is still a long time. If this was your only issue with him, I'd say to wait it out and be patient.

 

However, given his relationship history and your recent arguing, I would say he is pretty romantically dysfunctional and your hopes of getting the relationship you dream about are slim.

 

A lot of guys (and girls) will settle for partners and relationships that are less than ideal because they get validation from being with someone (anyone). It keeps them from being alone, even if they still feel loneliness or unhappiness while in the relationship (seems counter-intuitive). Some guys are commitment phobic and can't bring their relationships past a certain point without running or self sabotaging. My guess is that your man has a few of these qualities!

 

Unfortunately you can't make him change. If you try, he'll just resent you for it. The best thing is to keep your pride and walk away. Maybe the loss of you will make him reconsider the ones he's been dating and do some internal housekeeping to become a better partner. If not, you're finally free to find someone who will treat you better.

[pbjbear]

 

The next morning, I told him how hurt I was and all he said was "I really care about you and I enjoy spending time with you."

So, what do I do now? I don't want to be in a relationship where someone doesn't feel the same way as I do for them. What should I say? How should I go about it. I'm confused and lost. Your opinions and advice are appreciated. Thanks in advance!

 

 

I think every situation with I love yous is different but with this one Id leave.

Every time you miss him think of his reaction and deserve better. You are settling. If you want to settle and be in denial about it go for it. But if you dont, then dont. A year is plenty of time. If he hasnt fallen in love with you, theres a slim chance he will. Being stuck in a relationship with a guy like this will just make you miserable and jaded...Ive seen this several times with my girlfriends

Edited December 7, 2012 by pbjbear

[edgygirl]

hey - no it took me probably 2-3 weeks!... I was just not in that headspace when he first said it. but after he said it, it made me understand he was serious about me, and I looked at the whole thing in a different light. and I understood how I did love him as well.

 

Did it take you over a year to fall in love with him?

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by edgygirl

I did not read all posts but just wanted to say that my last ex, who I ended up loving more than anything in the world, also said it first (he's a guy), and at the time I didn't feel it yet and didn't say the same.

 

It took me a few weeks but I got there.

 

Relax Pretend it didn't happen, for now. Wait a bit. If he doesn't get there, then you rethink if you want to keep seeing him. Let him relax and don't pressure about it. If it's supposed to happen, it will come naturally.

Edited December 7, 2012 by edgygirl