No response to "I love you" Should I leave?

[Juventa2012]

If he puts an ex that treated him that way on a pedestal, you have to to question his emotional health.

 

I know it hurts you but if who he is consistenly makes you feel bad about yourself and the relationship, maybe it's time retire from this.

 

You read my mind geegirl! That is EXACTLY what I said to him last night about the ex! I've questioned his emotional health from the beginning! It's good to know that I'm not crazy! Thank you!

[Ruby Slippers]

You know, I'm very sad, but I'm mostly disappointed in myself. Just last weekend he told me that he got my Christmas present! He sends me a text from the dept store saying "I got the best for the best" Stupid text! Those words mean nothing to me now.

lol I don't mean to laugh, but I did when I read this. I do believe you have to maintain a sense of humor about these things. And it helps to do so.

 

My boyfriend has been going on about what he got me, too. And as I've become more disgruntled and grown colder and less sweet toward him lately, now he's stepping everything up. And I'm like REALLY? NOW you're getting all sweet and expressive? He even tried to plan a last-minute romantic getaway for us over the holidays - but all the places we like are already booked, so I told him it was too late and these things need to be planned in advance.

 

Unless you plan to leave him right now, I have an idea for you - let yourself feel what you're feeling, and let yourself cool off toward him. Just do whatever makes you happy from moment to moment, without worrying about him at all. I didn't plan to do this, but it happened naturally. And the way he's reacted is pretty amusing. Suddenly, that sweet, open-hearted girl is gone, and he's trying everything he can think of to draw her out again. I give him a little taste now and then, and he's all MMMMM. It's kind of hilarious.

 

It's not going to change anything - but I might as well have a little fun with this. It's better than being mad and pissy all the time lol

[Mrlonelyone]

Here's another point of view.

 

Talking about proposing after "only" five months could have been him testing the waters. To see how you felt about a proposal so soon. He may want to propose to you.

 

Talking about an ex who seemed so good on paper and then broke his heart and was a crazy psycho... could have been his way of expressing his fears. He's been played before and wouldn't want to make another mistake. (It may also mean he has issues. Borderline personality disorder and narcicistic personality disorder are where the sufferer splits everyone as either all good or all evil. i.e. She was a perfect angle then she was the devil with no in between).

 

Are you familiar with the so called five love languages?

 

Home | The 5 Love Languages®

"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman

 

• Words of Affirmation
  
• Quality Time
  
• Gifts
  
• Acts of Service
  
• Physical Touch
  

 

For complex social and psychological reasons men and women typically prefer different expressions of love. Men take physical touch, especially sex, and acts of service, favors they do as the best ways to be shown love. Women take words of affirmation such as ILY and quality time as being the best ways to show love.

 

Problems arise when men like your boyfriend assume that you want love expressed the same way as he does, and you assume that he would express love the way you do. IMHO problems also arise because we have stereotyped it that it's unmanly to talk of love or weak to give gifts or mascline to perform acts for a man or for a woman to enjoy sex as an expression of love.

 

If you still think he's worth it try talking with him about this one more time. Bring up the love languages. But don't be all serious about it.

[Juventa2012]

lol I don't mean to laugh, but I did when I read this. I do believe you have to maintain a sense of humor about these things. And it helps to do so.

 

My boyfriend has been going on about what he got me, too. And as I've become more disgruntled and grown colder and less sweet toward him lately, now he's stepping everything up. And I'm like REALLY? NOW you're getting all sweet and expressive? He even tried to plan a last-minute romantic getaway for us over the holidays - but all the places we like are already booked, so I told him it was too late and these things need to be planned in advance.

 

Unless you plan to leave him right now, I have an idea for you - let yourself feel what you're feeling, and let yourself cool off toward him. Just do whatever makes you happy from moment to moment, without worrying about him at all. I didn't plan to do this, but it happened naturally. And the way he's reacted is pretty amusing. Suddenly, that sweet, open-hearted girl is gone, and he's trying everything he can think of to draw her out again. I give him a little taste now and then, and he's all MMMMM. It's kind of hilarious.

 

It's not going to change anything - but I might as well have a little fun with this. It's better than being mad and pissy all the time lol

 

LOL! It is humorous when I think about it! Did he even realize what he said? I'm doing exactly what you are suggesting, not out of spite, but I guess I just needed to distance myself since last week. It takes more energy to be upset at someone than to like them.

I'm just indifferent now. It's just normal to behave that way when my eyes were finally open to reality! HA! Don't know, how he will react. He's a bit of a selfish spiteful bastard!

[geegirl]

You read my mind geegirl! That is EXACTLY what I said to him last night about the ex! Thank you!

 

I've dated a couple of guys that sound so similar to your boyfriend. At the end of the day, you can't control who they are and how they behave. If their ways don't coincide with what you seek in a partner and a relationship, you have to move on.

 

As my gf would say, "His software is programmed a certain way and it won't change."

 

The fact that you have a timeline as to when you may terminate the relationship is very telling.

[Ruby Slippers]

"His software is programmed a certain way and it won't change."

Very good advice.

 

He told me this story the other day about how when he got his first real job offer, the HR lady made the offer, he said "OK" and accepted, then the lady goes, "Are you happy?" And he goes, "Yes!" And she said something like, "Oh, I couldn't tell." And I'm like, "Yeah, I usually have no idea when you're happy - unless you're eating good food or looking at nice cars." haha But that story (and several others like it) did make it all much less personal. He's emotionally robotic with everyone, not just me!

 

And I'm sure your guy's issues go WAY back and don't really have much to do with you. So try not to take it personally. The only factor you can control in the situation is yourself and your behavior. So just be good to yourself and don't take any crap, sister!

[geegirl]

He's emotionally robotic with everyone, not just me!

 

 

I remember talking to an ex about how I needed affection and care in the relationship and after a minute of expressing my feelings, his response was, "Hmm, good points Gee. All achievable and reasonable." And he got up to make dinner. I thought I was at a business meeting.

 

His software never changed.

[Ruby Slippers]

I remember talking to an ex about how I needed affection and care in the relationship and after a minute of expressing my feelings, his response was, "Hmm, good points Gee. All achievable and reasonable." And he got up to make dinner. I thought I was at a business meeting.

 

His software never changed.

The hard part with my guy is that he has adapted, a lot. Here's a text he sent me a while back, which was light years away from the matter-of-fact texts he sent early on: Good morning my honeybear, my cutiepie, my maple syrup, my yum yum yum...

 

lol! I laughed my butt off when I got that, because it's so over the top, but he was obviously trying to make me happy by being more expressive.

 

Then a couple of weeks later, we woke up in bed, and first thing, he looks right into my face with this big cheesy grin and goes, "Good morning, my beautiful diamond in the sky!" (LOL! He loves that stupid song.) I just looked at him like he was nuts. I mean, I was half asleep, and it was SO over the top. I definitely need coffee before I can take anything like that. haha But I must acknowledge that he's trying. He's just not quite hitting the target. It's either not nearly enough or way too much.

 

But, just like Juventa's guy, he is who he is. I can take him or leave him. It just makes it harder when it seems like he's getting it wrong not because he doesn't care, but because he doesn't seem to know what in the hell he's doing!

[geegirl]

Good morning my honeybear, my cutiepie, my maple syrup, my yum yum yum...

 

 

Hilarious!! I'm laughing so hard! I have a feeling he doesn't know how to express himself or has a hard time verbalizing his affections. He sounds goofily sweet.

 

It doesn't sound like he doesn't care. When they don't care, you hardly get anything and even when I did, it was few and far between with a lot of nothing in the middle.

[silvermercy]

I wanted to comment for a part that I think was missed:

OP, your bf is actually frequenting CLUBS!? AT HIS AGE!? And not only that but also flirting with other women!?!? What is he? 20? Is he going with his buddies? Does he include you most of the times?

 

At this point, I would be more worried about this fact rather than not saying ILY!

[Juventa2012]

Here's another point of view.

 

Talking about proposing after "only" five months could have been him testing the waters. To see how you felt about a proposal so soon. He may want to propose to you.

 

Talking about an ex who seemed so good on paper and then broke his heart and was a crazy psycho... could have been his way of expressing his fears. He's been played before and wouldn't want to make another mistake. (It may also mean he has issues. Borderline personality disorder and narcicistic personality disorder are where the sufferer splits everyone as either all good or all evil. i.e. She was a perfect angle then she was the devil with no in between).

 

Are you familiar with the so called five love languages?

 

Home | The 5 Love Languages®

"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman

 

• Words of Affirmation
  
• Quality Time
  
• Gifts
  
• Acts of Service
  
• Physical Touch
  

 

For complex social and psychological reasons men and women typically prefer different expressions of love. Men take physical touch, especially sex, and acts of service, favors they do as the best ways to be shown love. Women take words of affirmation such as ILY and quality time as being the best ways to show love.

 

Problems arise when men like your boyfriend assume that you want love expressed the same way as he does, and you assume that he would express love the way you do. IMHO problems also arise because we have stereotyped it that it's unmanly to talk of love or weak to give gifts or mascline to perform acts for a man or for a woman to enjoy sex as an expression of love.

 

If you still think he's worth it try talking with him about this one more time. Bring up the love languages. But don't be all serious about it.

 

Yep! I've thought about this and someone else has mentioned the 5 Languages of love to me. Interesting stuff, but it's been over a year since we started dating and when I think about it, there were so many inconsistencies with this relationship that I'm really exhausted just thinking about it.

I don't even know when I became his girlfriend, he just started introducing me as such.

I honestly don't think he has trouble saying "I love you" because as I recall, he told me he told his crazy ex that he loved her after 3 months. He just has trouble saying it me.

At times I would think that he really was "falling" for me and then he would suddenly go cold. I just think is unsure and undecided on what to do at this point in this life. So, after a year of dating me and talking about how he would propose in general seems odd to me if he is not ASKING me what I think about marriage.

 

It so true what you say about personality disorder and you could be right about him. One minute he would say that his ex was beautiful, family oriented, blah blah blah and the next minute he would call her a crazy b**ch!

I'm not that crazy girl nor do I want to be like that! If there is one thing that I'm sure about is that he will remember me for being a kind, no drama, loving, caring woman.

[Juventa2012]

I've dated a couple of guys that sound so similar to your boyfriend. At the end of the day, you can't control who they are and how they behave. If their ways don't coincide with what you seek in a partner and a relationship, you have to move on.

 

As my gf would say, "His software is programmed a certain way and it won't change."

 

The fact that you have a timeline as to when you may terminate the relationship is very telling.

 

Very true! It's not me, it's him. There is certain type of woman that can be with a man like him. He is who he is.....

[Juventa2012]

Very good advice.

 

He told me this story the other day about how when he got his first real job offer, the HR lady made the offer, he said "OK" and accepted, then the lady goes, "Are you happy?" And he goes, "Yes!" And she said something like, "Oh, I couldn't tell." And I'm like, "Yeah, I usually have no idea when you're happy - unless you're eating good food or looking at nice cars." haha But that story (and several others like it) did make it all much less personal. He's emotionally robotic with everyone, not just me!

 

And I'm sure your guy's issues go WAY back and don't really have much to do with you. So try not to take it personally. The only factor you can control in the situation is yourself and your behavior. So just be good to yourself and don't take any crap, sister!

 

Ha! Well, my guy isn't "robotic" He is well aware of his feelings and how to express them. He is a big social butterfly! I do believe that he is not 100% real with me. I think he is holding some of his emotions back. Oh well, I get his hints now!

[Juventa2012]

I remember talking to an ex about how I needed affection and care in the relationship and after a minute of expressing my feelings, his response was, "Hmm, good points Gee. All achievable and reasonable." And he got up to make dinner. I thought I was at a business meeting.

 

His software never changed.

 

Ha! on second thought, now that I read what Gee wrote, my guy may have some "robotic" traits. Like last night when were out having that beer, I felt like he was acting like we were on our first date or that we were just buddies watching the game! He had his arms crossed, sat about 2 feet away from me and kept calling me dude! WTH! I mean, I thought I was his girlfriend and he was acting like we just met! So bizarre!

[Juventa2012]

The hard part with my guy is that he has adapted, a lot. Here's a text he sent me a while back, which was light years away from the matter-of-fact texts he sent early on: Good morning my honeybear, my cutiepie, my maple syrup, my yum yum yum...

 

lol! I laughed my butt off when I got that, because it's so over the top, but he was obviously trying to make me happy by being more expressive.

 

Then a couple of weeks later, we woke up in bed, and first thing, he looks right into my face with this big cheesy grin and goes, "Good morning, my beautiful diamond in the sky!" (LOL! He loves that stupid song.) I just looked at him like he was nuts. I mean, I was half asleep, and it was SO over the top. I definitely need coffee before I can take anything like that. haha But I must acknowledge that he's trying. He's just not quite hitting the target. It's either not nearly enough or way too much.

 

But, just like Juventa's guy, he is who he is. I can take him or leave him. It just makes it harder when it seems like he's getting it wrong not because he doesn't care, but because he doesn't seem to know what in the hell he's doing!

 

Hahahahahahaha!!! I couldn't stop laughing! My guy loves that stupid "Diamond in the Sky" song too!

Exactly Ruby, he has no freaking idea what he is doing. He is so oblivious to everything that he does to me! I just think he is immature! He probably thinks that my world revolves around him. Sorry, but he is in for a rude awakening. And I just can't get that "deer in headlights" look that he gave me when I said "I love you" to him. It sort of makes me nauseous.

[Juventa2012]

Hilarious!! I'm laughing so hard! I have a feeling he doesn't know how to express himself or has a hard time verbalizing his affections. He sounds goofily sweet.

 

It doesn't sound like he doesn't care. When they don't care, you hardly get anything and even when I did, it was few and far between with a lot of nothing in the middle.

 

Gee girl, you and I think a lot alike!

[geegirl]

Gee girl, you and I think a lot alike!

 

That's because we've dated the same goofballs!

[Juventa2012]

I wanted to comment for a part that I think was missed:

OP, your bf is actually frequenting CLUBS!? AT HIS AGE!? And not only that but also flirting with other women!?!? What is he? 20? Is he going with his buddies? Does he include you most of the times?

 

At this point, I would be more worried about this fact rather than not saying ILY!

 

Hi Slivermercy!

Nope, he is 39 and frequents the clubs about twice a month! I forgot to mention that he becomes a completely different person when he drinks! He becomes, a fearless womanizing flirt who loves attention from the ladies! I think it stems from him being insecure. He DOES NOT include me when he goes to the clubs and I have talked to him about it!

[stillafool]

Hi!

 

I think that I mentioned it somewhere in my previous posts, that for me, love is

a description of my feelings. If I want to describe my relationship or make

commitments, I do that as well. Love is powerful factor in that, but it would

make me very SAD if someone was holding back from saying ILY to me in return,

because there is an idea that love means your life is automatically mapped out.

If I want a future with a man, I will sit down and map out my life with him, not

throw around a word that describes my feelings. My love is unconditional, but my time, relationships, my commitments and my energy are very conditional.

 

Why don't you tell your bf the above. Tell him you told him you loved him just as you love your family and then say the above to take the pressure off of him. Perhaps he thinks you are "in love" with him.

 

This is why I gave myself until the end of January. I needed to give myself that time frame because I have to think about my future as well. I do love him and just because I'm not in love, doesn't mean that I would have never fallen in love with him. I mean is there really a difference between "love and in love?" I would do anything for this man and I know he would do anything for me.

 

 

Maybe just because he isn't in love with you now doesn't mean he will not fall in love with you later. I don't know why you expect him to feel a certain way about you when you do not feel that way about him. I don't think you are being fair. If you were saying "I'm in love with a man who is not in love with me" I would understand how you feel.

[Imajerk17]

Ruby Slippers: The way you are handling things w your boyfriend strikes me as wrong. He surely has put up with your issues no?

 

If you're not feeling it with him anymore or if you already emotionally checked out, break up with him. Being passive-aggressive as you are now is uncool. He deserves better than what you are now giving him.

Edited December 19, 2012 by Imajerk17

[Juventa2012]

Hi!

 

 

 

Why don't you tell your bf the above. Tell him you told him you loved him just as you love your family and then say the above to take the pressure off of him. Perhaps he thinks you are "in love" with him.

 

 

 

 

Maybe just because he isn't in love with you now doesn't mean he will not fall in love with you later. I don't know why you expect him to feel a certain way about you when you do not feel that way about him. I don't think you are being fair. If you were saying "I'm in love with a man who is not in love with me" I would understand how you feel.

 

Hi,

I've thought about telling him what you said, but I just think it's pretty clear that he doesn't love me. Actually I never said that "I was IN LOVE" with him. I said and told him "I love you". If he doesn't feel it, I would have expected him to say that to me. I just felt like a fool when he looked at me like I was stupid.

I do agree, that maybe he WILL fall in love with me IN TIME, and I know that I'm headed in that direction. I would just stop "falling" for him now then to one day be told, "I've never loved you"

[Cutiepie1976]

...I honestly don't think he has trouble saying "I love you" because as I recall, he told me he told his crazy ex that he loved her after 3 months. He just has trouble saying it me.

At times I would think that he really was "falling" for me and then he would suddenly go cold...

 

I was struck by this and by your more recent posts admitting that while you love your BF, you aren't "in love" with him.

 

We all use the term love somewhat differently. I guess for me I love my family, I love my best friend, etc. but I've fallen "in love" with my boyfriend and he with me long before the year mark. For me, that means that I'm sexually attracted to him and that he means so much to me and I value him so much, that I'll put his needs above mine even if it involves significant sacrifices on my part. I care for him that much. I'm not sure how you felt about your ex (IIRC you were previously married) or other BFs you've had. How do your feelings for those men compare to what you now feel for your current BF?

 

Sometimes we happen upon nice, decent people. We should like them. Why don't we like them? Occasionally we can spend a lot of time trying to get something to work that won't or can't for some elusive reason. I don't know you. None of us really knows the full details of your situation. You would be in the best position to know if this scenario or something similar might be a possibility in your case.

 

Tough situation to be facing...

[Ruby Slippers]

Ruby Slippers: The way you are handling things w your boyfriend strikes me as wrong.

I just wrote out this big response, then deleted it.

 

This thread is about Juventa, so I'm going to stop talking about my relationship here.

[Juventa2012]

I was struck by this and by your more recent posts admitting that while you love your BF, you aren't "in love" with him.

 

We all use the term love somewhat differently. I guess for me I love my family, I love my best friend, etc. but I've fallen "in love" with my boyfriend and he with me long before the year mark. For me, that means that I'm sexually attracted to him and that he means so much to me and I value him so much, that I'll put his needs above mine even if it involves significant sacrifices on my part. I care for him that much. I'm not sure how you felt about your ex (IIRC you were previously married) or other BFs you've had. How do your feelings for those men compare to what you now feel for your current BF?

 

Sometimes we happen upon nice, decent people. We should like them. Why don't we like them? Occasionally we can spend a lot of time trying to get something to work that won't or can't for some elusive reason. I don't know you. None of us really knows the full details of your situation. You would be in the best position to know if this scenario or something similar might be a possibility in your case.

 

Tough situation to be facing...

Hi cutiepie!

Maybe I need a therapist to tell me why my feelings are not at the "in love" level. I'm very sexually attracted to my current BF and I care about him a lot but maybe there is something "missing" on my part or maybe his.

 

I don't feel like he is over is ex and that may be blocking my emotions to give him ME as a person, as a whole! I have a lot of love and passion to give only if it is equally given to me. My feelings for my 2 previous relationships 1) ex husband --I was in love with him. We were both the same level at the same time. I was young only 19 when I met him. He was my first. He was my life at the time. 2) ex boyfriend of 10 years. After dating for 3 months he told me that he loved me and I loved him too. We just "got eachother" on so many levels. I was in love with him.

 

My current boyfriend was at first an acquaintance. Didn't really feel like he was my "type" (I'm mostly attracted the alpha male type) He would ask me out and I would kindly decline because I just didn't feel the attraction. But apparently the alpha male types were just not working for me, so I decided to give this guy a go. I accepted a date and it went extremely well. We had great conversation and had a lot in common. Then he kept pursuing me and I began to really like him.

But as time went on. I always felt like he was very needy and selfish.

 

Always needing attention and "babying". He is always complaining about his hair, body, that he feels sick. It is something I'm just not used to. But I kept it going because the pros outweighed the cons. He seemed to be very into me at times, even suggesting that we go on vacation together. But he would talk about his crazy ex A LOT. So much that I had to ask him to stop. Just recently, I felt like he was finally opening up. I guess my assumptions were wrong. He goes from hot to cold. He is inconsistent at times. And here we are now......

[Juventa2012]

I just wrote out this big response, then deleted it.

 

This thread is about Juventa, so I'm going to stop talking about my relationship here.

 

No worries Ruby! I would have liked to have read what you wrote. It's good to read how others handle their relationships. You can learn a lot