No response to "I love you" Should I leave?

[Eternal Sunshine]

My take:

 

You ARE in love with him, in every sense of the word. Otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread or obsess this much. You are now trying to trick yourself into believing that you are not, so that you can justify to yourself staying in this relationship.

 

Secondly, like Imajerk said, feeling in love is really that mad chemical attraction where you want to rip someone's clothes off. It goes beyond reason and logic. It's not even how good looking someone is. Guy can be nice and caring to you but what he is really saying is that he is missing that. When that chemistry is present, men could probably forgive you murdering someone. When it's not, you can be the most wonderful woman in the world and it's not enough. Do you really want to be with someone that is not that attracted to you?

 

Think about it, you are wasting your life away.

[bittersweet memories]

Yea ask him about it...because his response is weird but also quite classic of commitment phobes.

 

You've been together a year. If it were 3 months or so fine...but a year, usually most people have said I love yous by then. But you also have the clues about this being his issue and pattern based on his prior relationships. Sometimes we think "he'll be different with me" when it's not about you. It's about him and no matter who the woman is, he may very well never overcome this.

 

My fear for you, is that because you love him, you'll just ignore the red flags. He seems to have never said I love you to anyone he's been with, even longer than he's been with you. Don't ignore this.

 

Also him being "closer"...what does that mean? You said he asked you what you want for Christmas. My response is so what? That's hardly the issue right? Getting you a Christmas gift doesn't erase the issue and some people try to deflect by doing that...they think if I'm extra sweet, buy her a nice gift, etc. she'll forget this whole thing. So please don't simply substitute trivial actions, like a text about Christmas gifts, for the serious conversation you need to have. I don't see that as him being closer...that's a very superficial action. I'm not trying to be harsh by the way but it's a common reaction we have...to know a behavior is alarming or a red flag but we sooo want it to not be what we think so we start downplaying it.

 

Do have the conversation and do let us know how it works out.

 

Very true!!!

[RhapsodyinBlue]

This is a classic example of why actions don't always speak louder than words.

[stillafool]

My take:

 

You ARE in love with him, in every sense of the word. Otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread or obsess this much. You are now trying to trick yourself into believing that you are not, so that you can justify to yourself staying in this relationship.

 

Secondly, like Imajerk said, feeling in love is really that mad chemical attraction where you want to rip someone's clothes off. It goes beyond reason and logic. It's not even how good looking someone is. Guy can be nice and caring to you but what he is really saying is that he is missing that. When that chemistry is present, men could probably forgive you murdering someone. When it's not, you can be the most wonderful woman in the world and it's not enough. Do you really want to be with someone that is not that attracted to you?

 

Think about it, you are wasting your life away.

 

OP I think you are "in love" with this guy as well. Otherwise you wouldn't be so hurt. You would just love him the way you love a friend. Don't fool yourself, if you are in love with him and he is not in love with you don't waste your time. Do you want a FWB relationship?

[bittersweet memories]

Well since you aren't "in love" with him but just love him, he may feel that type of love for you also. I have people/friends that I just love but am not in love with them. Your not being in love makes a big difference in this thread.

 

 

Right!! Thats what I was thinking. Let's be honest poster.... I think she's down playing the situation now, to her benefit.

[Ruby Slippers]

Juventa, you mentioned you wanted some male responses, so here I am. I am a guy who has been in your boyfriend's situation, and I am going to do my best to give you a glimpse of what I was thinking and feeling at the time.

 

First of all, I was not stringing the girl along until something better came along. What was happening with me is that, basically, I was torn.

 

Yes I got to see how giving she was and I did "really care for" her. Yes, as wonderful as she had been to me and for me, there was no way I could bear to walk away from this girl or leave her crying. Yes I had plenty of moments where I could see myself spending the rest of my life with her.

 

BUT I also had moments where I doubted. I felt there was still something missing. For as terrific and kind as she was to me, I didn't feel quite the level of physical attraction for her that I wanted to feel, and the idea of forsaking every other girl **for the rest of my life** was just a really scary one for me. I'm not positive why I wasn't as attracted as I needed to be, but I wasn't.

 

So anyway, I postponed coming up at that fork in the road, where we would either have to break up or making a stronger commitment for the future. It's kind of like sticking your head in the sand but it's just what I did. I postponed saying (and feeling) ILY. If I said it, I got the feeling we would be cascading down towards committing to a lifetime together. And as I mentioned in the above paragraph, that felt to me like starting the slippery slide to over the edge of a cliff.

 

Before you think I am a *ahem* jerk, I take my commitments very seriously. I knew my reservations would make it a challenge to honour that commitment for the rest of my life. Does this make me (or this guy) a horrible person? I believe half of marriages don't work out, and I don't want to end up divorced.

 

Anyway, I gave you my uncensored take for your benefit. I hope this helps!

This is such a helpful post. I think I might be in this situation now. I'm with a guy who cares about me and is willing to make a lot of effort to spend time with me and get closer. He might even make a big commitment, and I can imagine we could have a peaceful and productive life together, if I could resign myself to just that. But I don't feel like he's crazy about me, and at best he'd probably grow to love me through familiarity and comfort in time.

 

I'd rather let him go so we can both find someone we're crazy about and who's crazy about us. I'm not looking forward to the prospect of being alone again - but it's better than feeling unappreciated and blah.

 

OP, I can see this is distressing to you, and that's totally understandable. But I really like how you're being honest with yourself and facing this stuff. Keep paying attention to how you're feeling, what you want.

 

I have found time and again that when I walk away from something that's not feeling balanced and productive, something better and more fulfilling always comes in very quickly to take its place. Good luck to you.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes I got to see how giving she was and I did "really care for" her. Yes, as wonderful as she had been to me and for me, there was no way I could bear to walk away from this girl or leave her crying.

I also want to add that if you feel lukewarm or doubtful about making a commitment to someone who clearly wants that with you, you're not doing that person any favors by staying with them in spite of your doubts. This goes for men and women.

 

If someone really loves you and you don't love them back, just have a heart and leave them alone.

 

(I'm NOT saying you don't have a heart, Imajerk! Just a general comment.)

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have a question for Imajerk:

 

When you were not crazy/fully attracted to that woman, was there something specific like: I wish she had a bigger butt or I wish she was thinner or had perkier breasts or whatever. Or was it more of a "I can't put my finger on it" feeling...

[Imajerk17]

@ Ruby Slippers: I don't disagree with what you said in your last post, but in the relationship I was referring to I just didn't know. Either way. I was just as concerned about throwing something wonderful away too. She was beautiful, kind, loving, and she put up with me as well [see below].

 

@ Eternal Sunshine: Good question. Part of it was that she was emotionally heavy--we were always having conversations about "where is this going" and it got to be overwhelming and draining for me. Part of it (related) is that she never gave me a chance to chase her. Part of it also was that her life away from me just didn't seem all that appealing. A quick phone call from me just to say hi to her often turned into an hour-plus-long discussion about the latest bit of drama with her difficult ex-husband and custody issues. (Which is one reason why I am really reticent to date single moms today.) Dutiful boyfriend that I was, I listened, but I also found myself feeling relieved when the conversation was over and I had the rest of the day to myself.

 

Now you might be asking which came first: Myself having doubts or her bringing up these heavy conversations. I'm not positive. BUT I can tell you that it became a self-perpetuating cycle.

 

C actually was a hottie. She could truly rock a little black dress. But yes, I really like it when a woman looks sexy and feminine going to the gym or us going hiking. When she looks good wearing those black Lululemon tights and a sports bra. If she does not, or if "lets herself go" that is a turn-off.

 

And part of it was myself, to be honest. I was pretty inexperienced with women and dating at the time. I was also unemployed and even had to move back home to live with my parents at the time (!). [i was a math postdoc and my grant had run out and it was being renewed for me month-to-month. She was an administrator in the department I worked and that is where we met.] I could also be arrogant and abrasive. And I'm prone to losing sexual interest fast, all the while building an emotional connection. That's a rough combination.

 

RELATED: In case you were thinking that you are guaranteed you will always have at least attraction if you have that powerful "instant chemistry" and are "swept off your feet" from the beginning, my story will say that is not true. I was wildly attracted to C when we first met. I felt a lot of guilt in coming on so strong and then backing away. So beware!

 

 

Anyway, getting back to the OP, you mentioned your boyfriend is inexperienced with women so this all is relevant to you. You also might want to consider how you look (dress, hygiene, and exercise) around your boyfriend. That might sound shallow, but this sort of thing is extremely important to guys, and is a big part of our attraction. My 2 cents which might or might not be relevant to your specific situation.

Edited December 7, 2012 by Imajerk17

[Ruby Slippers]

@ Ruby Slippers: I don't disagree with what you said in your last post, but in the relationship I was referring to I just didn't know. Either way. I was just as concerned about throwing something wonderful away too. She was beautiful, kind, loving, and she put up with me as well [see below].

 

Part of it (related) is that she never gave me a chance to chase her.

God, I love your honesty!!

 

I feel like we're just beginning that cycle now - he's reserved, I feel doubtful, and things get heavy. My instincts tell me: Back away, go out and have fun, maybe even start dating others again.

 

And part of it was myself, to be honest. I was pretty inexperienced with women and dating at the time.

 

I could also be arrogant and abrasive.

Same with this guy. It's actually comforting reading this. It just frames it all in terms of basic human foibles, which I get. Makes it less personal.

 

RELATED: In case you were thinking that you are guaranteed you will always have at least attraction if you have that powerful "instant chemistry" and are "swept off your feet" from the beginning, my story will say that is not true. I was wildly attracted to C when we first met. I felt a lot of guilt in coming on so strong and then backing away. So beware!

That happened to me with my last boyfriend. WILD attraction and out-of-this-world sex for a good long stretch... then the fade-out.

 

No guarantees, basically.

 

You also might want to consider how you look (dress, hygiene, and exercise) around your boyfriend. That might sound shallow, but this sort of thing is extremely important to guys, and is a big part of our attraction. My 2 cents which might or might not be relevant to your specific situation.

You're right, and this is good advice. This relationship I find myself in now would have been a lot less fun if my boyfriend weren't so into my bod. I'm fit and sexy, and that goes a very long way with the fellas.

[Lovezen_30]

This is a tough one; about eight months into my relationship I also told my boyfriend that I loved him on his birthday! (you'll be able to find my thread on it).

 

I also got an initially similar response, and was completely cut up because his actions suggested that he did in fact love me. He quickly changed his mind, saying he did love me, but a past relationship had rendered him confused, but honestly it was major fork in the road for me. I really considered whether I should stay; and to an extent staying was probably a gamble, but now seven months later I'm glad that I did. I ended up travelling out to a different country to work, and he ended up flying out and telling me he loved me then. But to be honest, it wasn't until a couple of months ago that I really felt the sincerity of it from his end. I too had worried that he just wasn't attracted, that he was missing something he couldn't put his finger on, etc...but there's no doubt in my mind now that he really loves me. I wanted to ask: have there been any inconsistencies in your relationship of late (ie. any unresolved issues or arguments that could be bothering him, and have put a pause on progressing the relationship)?

 

If not, I think many of the people on here are right, that you deserve a man that is mad about you. What does your gut tell you about the situation? This might be it, all he will ever give, or he might need time. Love does take time to grow.

 

But, referring back to my personal situation, I also think if he hadn't changed his mind rather quickly I would've walked.

[Juventa2012]

UPDATE:

Sorry for such a late post, but just wanted to give you guys an update. I met with him on Friday and had a long talk. Turns out he's just not ready to say it! I was ready to walk out the door if he said, he just didn't feel it for me. I'm not going to pressure him to say if he doesn't feel it yet. I'm just going to let go let flow for now.

 

Reading all of your posts also made me realize that I was beginning to lose my sense of self and even though he is not ready to say it, I think I need to start spending less time with him. I feel like he is taking me for granted being that I spend every day with him.

 

I also wanted to say that I started this thread because I'm really no expert in dating. I've only been in 2 long term relationships and in both they said ILY to me first!

I'm not going to use excuses but my boyfriend does have some issues he needs to resolve. We also discussed these on Friday. I started dating him about 2 months after he broke off a 3 year toxic and dysfunctional relationship with a woman whom he claims he was "in love" with.

 

I can honestly say that I'm not "in love" with him and I know this because I know what being in love feels like.

We were friends prior to dating and I did have a liking to him but I didn't really start to feel love until only about 3 weeks ago. He is inconsistent at times and that is a red flag to me.

In regards to chemical attraction---I disagree that attraction where you want to rip someones clothes off is NOT love. That, to me is lust.

 

It's been a roller coaster of a relationship with this man. I'm still around because I have grown to love him, we have a lot in common and I truly enjoy being around him.

Let me also say, that I have threatened to leave him. When I do, he stops me and begs me to stay, saying that if I don't give us a chance that I'm going to regret it, because I have no idea and that I'm going to "mess this relationship up" whatever that means.

 

I really appreciate everyone's advice and input. Thanks.

[Juventa2012]

Has he perhaps shown you that he loves you some other way? Perhaps through his actions? I wouldn't leave just yet... assess his character and his behavior towards you and decide for yourself. Detach yourself from your feelings and try to look at the situation as calmly and neutrally as you possibly could. Give yourself and him different names, if it helps.

 

Yes, I feel like his love is reflected through his actions, but I keep hearing that sometimes actions are not enough.

He is always there when I need him, or need some advice, etc.

He wants to spend everyday with me.

He cares about my well being.

He has introduced me to his family and friends.

He includes me in all the important events in his life.

He tries to cheer me up when I'm feeling down.

He asks about my day and my life.

He has offered to help me when I had financially troubles.

The list goes on, but I don't know if there may be "something missing" on his end about me.

That is what is so confusing and hard to understand.

[Juventa2012]

@ Ruby Slippers: I don't disagree with what you said in your last post, but in the relationship I was referring to I just didn't know. Either way. I was just as concerned about throwing something wonderful away too. She was beautiful, kind, loving, and she put up with me as well [see below].

 

@ Eternal Sunshine: Good question. Part of it was that she was emotionally heavy--we were always having conversations about "where is this going" and it got to be overwhelming and draining for me. Part of it (related) is that she never gave me a chance to chase her. Part of it also was that her life away from me just didn't seem all that appealing. A quick phone call from me just to say hi to her often turned into an hour-plus-long discussion about the latest bit of drama with her difficult ex-husband and custody issues. (Which is one reason why I am really reticent to date single moms today.) Dutiful boyfriend that I was, I listened, but I also found myself feeling relieved when the conversation was over and I had the rest of the day to myself.

 

Now you might be asking which came first: Myself having doubts or her bringing up these heavy conversations. I'm not positive. BUT I can tell you that it became a self-perpetuating cycle.

 

C actually was a hottie. She could truly rock a little black dress. But yes, I really like it when a woman looks sexy and feminine going to the gym or us going hiking. When she looks good wearing those black Lululemon tights and a sports bra. If she does not, or if "lets herself go" that is a turn-off.

 

And part of it was myself, to be honest. I was pretty inexperienced with women and dating at the time. I was also unemployed and even had to move back home to live with my parents at the time (!). [i was a math postdoc and my grant had run out and it was being renewed for me month-to-month. She was an administrator in the department I worked and that is where we met.] I could also be arrogant and abrasive. And I'm prone to losing sexual interest fast, all the while building an emotional connection. That's a rough combination.

 

RELATED: In case you were thinking that you are guaranteed you will always have at least attraction if you have that powerful "instant chemistry" and are "swept off your feet" from the beginning, my story will say that is not true. I was wildly attracted to C when we first met. I felt a lot of guilt in coming on so strong and then backing away. So beware!

 

 

Anyway, getting back to the OP, you mentioned your boyfriend is inexperienced with women so this all is relevant to you. You also might want to consider how you look (dress, hygiene, and exercise) around your boyfriend. That might sound shallow, but this sort of thing is extremely important to guys, and is a big part of our attraction. My 2 cents which might or might not be relevant to your specific situation.

 

This is why I always say that when it comes to saying "I love you" and marriage it is mostly about "timing" on the man's part. Just my opinion.

[FitChick]

The list goes on, but I don't know if there may be "something missing" on his end about me.

That is what is so confusing and hard to understand.

 

You don't give him time to miss you and find out how he really feels about you. He takes you for granted. Suggest a trial separation or, if that is too dramatic, go away on some pretext or another and go no contact, later claiming your phone didn't work. If he panics at not hearing from you, he might wake up. It sounds like he needs that jolt since he fell in love with a crazy woman who was unpredictable.

 

I was engaged to a man who had been married to a manic-depressive for seventeen years, in and out of hospitals, yet he told me he loved me after six months.

[Juventa2012]

You don't give him time to miss you and find out how he really feels about you. He takes you for granted. Suggest a trial separation or, if that is too dramatic, go away on some pretext or another and go no contact, later claiming your phone didn't work. If he panics at not hearing from you, he might wake up. It sounds like he needs that jolt since he fell in love with a crazy woman who was unpredictable.

 

I was engaged to a man who had been married to a manic-depressive for seventeen years, in and out of hospitals, yet he told me he loved me after six months.

 

Thanks fitchick!

Believe me, I've thought about what you posted before. It's so true and the reality is that I don't give him time to miss me! I sort of make it easy for him. I've started making more plans with my friends and doing my own thing more often. He does worry about me though. He asks me why I didn't call him when I got home, etc. I do try to be unpredictable, but it's rare. I mean, I have a key to his condo, but not his heart! LOL!

[todreaminblue]

Hi all!

I've posted here before about my issues with my boyfriend! I've been with him for a little over a year. Hes 39 and I'm 43!

 

I think I might have made a terrible mistake. Something I never thought I would ever do.

This past weekend was my boyfriends birthday. Let's just say I was a little "tipsy" and we got into a bit of an argument and I said"I love you" to him! Oh, how I really regret saying it because he has not said to me.

 

Honestly, I felt so stupid and disappointed in his reaction. He looked at me so dumbfounded and just said, "you don't love me" he went on to say "this is just the wrong situation to say that because we are arguing" and to my disappointed there was no "I love you" said back.

 

The next morning, I told him how hurt I was and all he said was "I really care about you and I enjoy spending time with you."

So, what do I do now? I don't want to be in a relationship where someone doesn't feel the same way as I do for them. What should I say? How should I go about it. I'm confused and lost. Your opinions and advice are appreciated. Thanks in advance!

 

 

i am the opposite in argument ill say i really love you but honestly you really suck at the moment....or you really piss me off right now lets talk later....saying you care about someone and enjoy spending time with them is an early dating scenario to m e...if you have been with someone for a year i feel that imparts a commitment and commitment to me is love....showing passion is showing" in love".....

lets break it down to those three words you want to be told.....

 

why do you need to hear them?

 

they are three words that lose meaning if you have to ask someone to say them and words are important they are a gift from god....language and the art of using those words to make people feel special...loved desired, wanted, needed.....behind those words needs to be actions.....like if you ask for forgiveness by sayign another three words i call them the trinity

 

I AM SORRY....the action that you have is to really mean it...i love you is another trinity and the actions to em are sharing your dreams your thoughts spending time with someone forsaking others,not only spendign quality tiem together but times when you are tired, sore, pissed off you still want that person in your company...thats spending time.......if a guy says to me i love you.......i ask why?

i just do........the biggest word is do.....i woudltn have to ask because it is obvious....i dotn need to eb told i love you.....and i dont need to say i love you all the time...people around me automatically know i do....because no matter how i feel...i am there with them, not someone else, if they have a problem i am more than there....i am actively trying to think of a way to solve it to help to make them feel better....thats altruism......

 

 

 

and that is what i get ridiculed for....my capacity to want to be there for others.i tend to find people like myself or they find me ....my church is altruistic......majorly.....thats why i believe....they dont say i believe i know this to be true without putting their money where there mouth is.they live it dont just say it..people take advantage of words to throw off from putting in effort...language was confounded and confused....when god decided people werent ready to come together or the devil did it i dont know i am not a bible scholar......there are trinities of words that are universal however they I LOVE YOU and I AM SORRY.....god gave is these trinities to say something that is really powerful simply....so if you say that trinity of graceful words..... you better know why you are saying them ...and they have to come from your heart no one should have to ask another to say them.....its agency..that person should feel the others love because it is obvious..people muddy up three simple words....by sayign them and not meaning them the same with sorry...like i know i really care about someone from my church i care abtou a lot of them one is set apart.....i woudl carry on through feeling really crap just to spend time with him....adn i do ....depsite my feelings of feeling awkward in spite fo the fact i feel shy in spite fo the facti know he doesnt care about me the same way i do about him.....i cant say no to spending time with him, doing things for him.....tryign in my own way to show deep affection adn i continue too even though he never notices .....to em thats strong feelings for if they were reciprocated.....i think i coudl set a place alight.....smilin....it isnt to be......but i enjoy every moment i am with him happy sad, goofy, silly depressed nearly in tears if i see him smile...i keep going its worth it.....and i have not told him that fact...and i wont.....is that love though....in my experience it i s.....unrequited for sure but love none the less....give yrou boyfriend agency to say one day when you least expect hey you suck at the moment but i wouldnt want to b anywhere else because i love you........when i pray and god doesnt give me the answers ill say to him hey your not fair....but i love you......and i mean it....i just dont hear god say it back either i think he shows me though not with a booming i freaking love you goofball........smilin...........debe

Edited December 12, 2012 by todreaminblue

[clia]

The fact that he said he isn't ready to say it after a year together makes me really nervous for you. If I were you, I'd pick a hard date (not to be shared with him) and walk away if you haven't heard it by then. Otherwise, you could find yourself resurrecting the thread a year from now.

[Juventa2012]

The fact that he said he isn't ready to say it after a year together makes me really nervous for you. If I were you, I'd pick a hard date (not to be shared with him) and walk away if you haven't heard it by then. Otherwise, you could find yourself resurrecting the thread a year from now.

 

That's exactly what I did. I'm giving him until the end of January! Ha! Still will be the beginning of 2013! I need to the new year started off right!

[mortensorchid]

You have been with this guy for a year and neither one has said "I love you" until just now? Something's wrong here. And when I say wrong, I mean very wrong.

 

Your save was admirable, but unfortunately I don't think you have much hope in this situation. If he has not said it by a certain point, unfortunately he will never say it. Or if he does he will take it back with some excuse. You should move on, painful as it may be.

[Mint Sauce]

I've known a man who admitted, at the age of 75, of never having said "I love you" to his wife. They were at that point married for almost 50 years. She confirmed. When asked why he didn't tell her he loves her, he only replied: "she knows I do".

 

Old-skool men still exist, you know.

[Juventa2012]

I've known a man who admitted, at the age of 75, of never having said "I love you" to his wife. They were at that point married for almost 50 years. She confirmed. When asked why he didn't tell her he loves her, he only replied: "she knows I do".

 

Old-skool men still exist, you know.

 

I'm not buying the idea that the claimed saying that he wasn't the type to say "I love you" This is why I'm giving myself a time frame. His actions are very honest and sincere and I see something in the way that he looks at me. But then I ask myself, "Is that enough FOR ME?" Could I stay in relationship where ILY is not said and everything else is good?

[newmoon]

I'm not buying the idea that the claimed saying that he wasn't the type to say "I love you" This is why I'm giving myself a time frame. His actions are very honest and sincere and I see something in the way that he looks at me. But then I ask myself, "Is that enough FOR ME?" Could I stay in relationship where ILY is not said and everything else is good?

 

a man who cannot part with those words does not feel the love for you, sorry to say, and he won't be saying them to you anytime soon because he now knows he has you on a string. if he says it, i'd be worried it's just to appease you and keep you around at this point. and just imagine what a great dad he'd be - if he cannot even say ILY to a woman, will he be able to say it to his child? think beyond your immediate situation and into the future too

[Juventa2012]

a man who cannot part with those words does not feel the love for you, sorry to say, and he won't be saying them to you anytime soon because he now knows he has you on a string. if he says it, i'd be worried it's just to appease you and keep you around at this point. and just imagine what a great dad he'd be - if he cannot even say ILY to a woman, will he be able to say it to his child? think beyond your immediate situation and into the future too

 

You make a good point, but I honestly don't feel like he is just stringing me along. He does not display that type of behavior. Funny that you say he wouldn't said to his children when and if he has them because he has no trouble saying it to his immediate family. Oh, and he knows where I stand about the whole ILY situation. I have no doubt the he knows he will lose me if he doesn't do something. I'm halfway gone!

[Imajerk17]

UPDATE:

Sorry for such a late post, but just wanted to give you guys an update. I met with him on Friday and had a long talk. Turns out he's just not ready to say it! I was ready to walk out the door if he said, he just didn't feel it for me. I'm not going to pressure him to say if he doesn't feel it yet. I'm just going to let go let flow for now.

 

Reading all of your posts also made me realize that I was beginning to lose my sense of self and even though he is not ready to say it, I think I need to start spending less time with him. I feel like he is taking me for granted being that I spend every day with him.

 

I also wanted to say that I started this thread because I'm really no expert in dating. I've only been in 2 long term relationships and in both they said ILY to me first!

I'm not going to use excuses but my boyfriend does have some issues he needs to resolve. We also discussed these on Friday. I started dating him about 2 months after he broke off a 3 year toxic and dysfunctional relationship with a woman whom he claims he was "in love" with.

 

I can honestly say that I'm not "in love" with him and I know this because I know what being in love feels like.

We were friends prior to dating and I did have a liking to him but I didn't really start to feel love until only about 3 weeks ago. He is inconsistent at times and that is a red flag to me.

In regards to chemical attraction---I disagree that attraction where you want to rip someones clothes off is NOT love. That, to me is lust.

 

It's been a roller coaster of a relationship with this man. I'm still around because I have grown to love him, we have a lot in common and I truly enjoy being around him.

Let me also say, that I have threatened to leave him. When I do, he stops me and begs me to stay, saying that if I don't give us a chance that I'm going to regret it, because I have no idea and that I'm going to "mess this relationship up" whatever that means.

 

I really appreciate everyone's advice and input. Thanks.

 

Now I'm confused. If the bolded is the case, then WHY do you want him to say ILY?

 

Saying ILY to someone you are dating, means you are feeling eros. NOT just storge, philia, and for heavens sake, not merely agape. (If you're not sure what I am getting at, google "The Four Loves".) If you're not at eros with your boyfriend, then why are you expecting that he be?

Edited December 13, 2012 by Imajerk17