Ending my porn addiction

[Ross MwcFan]

Ross, don't you see the foolishness of your argument? You can no longer even distinguish the difference between pornography and masturbation; and the mutual exchange of love between two people who love each other.

 

Isn't there at least one small alarm going off inside your brain telling you that what you're doing is self-destructive?

 

Two people who love each other having sex doesn't stop it from being harmful, or an addiction, if masturbation is harmful and an addiction.

 

There are no alarm bells going off because there is absolutley nothing wrong with masturbation, it's perfectly natural. Most doctors and health specialists will tell you this.

 

Are you saying you know better than the majority of doctors and health specialists in the world?

 

Never allowing myself a sexual release is what would make alarm bells go off, and it's what would be self destructive.

Edited December 1, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[BetheButterfly]

Bethebutterfly, why don't you give up sex? You could be occupying all that time that you're having sex on improving yourself.

 

Ross, I was trying to give you advice, which you are of course free to take or leave, with the goal of you hopefully finding a wonderful lady who you could have sex with, instead of having sex with your hand, ok?

 

When I was single, I abstained from sex (I practiced abstinence because of my spiritual beliefs.) I was a virgin until I got married for the first time at the age of 23. I know how to abstain and it has, in my opinion, helped me be the kind of lady that my husband is thankful to have married, because I also know how to be faithful to him. Even though I've made mistakes and failed at abstaining like I should (especially with 2 guys who didn't want to commit to me), I can abstain from sex, as well as from masturbation.

 

When I was single, not engaging in masturbation helped me hunger more for finding a wonderful man who loves me, and work towards that goal.

 

And don't say you don't need to improve yourself, as no one is 100% perfect.

I need to improve myself in many areas. Change that is made by improving oneself is a lifelong process. My weakness, personally, is in food. I have to constantly watch what I eat and make sure not to eat too much sugary/fatteny foods, but rather eat the good-for-me stuff.

 

If you would feel less happy in life giving up sex, and would rather not do that, then you obviously have an addiction

When I went to my parents' house when my Grandpa died, I gave up sex for one whole week. Granted, when my hubby called me, I masturbated at the thought of him. However, my mind and soul connect sexual pleasure to my husband, not to other men (strangers or not), and not to my sexually stimulating my own self.

 

A human's brain is like a computer. We can "program" our brains in how we want to be. If one associates sex with masturbation to porn, one's brain has a hard time readjusting (or reprogramming) to associating sex with a person you love who loves you.

 

I'm not giving you any more advice. Do what you want, as long as it is legal and doesn't hurt anybody. As for a question you wrote before, no I would never make watching porn illegal.(I am 100% against child porn, sadistic porn, and animal porn and making them legal, because I believe these horribly hurt the victims.)

 

I would also never make illegal people fattening themselves by eating whatever they wanted whenever they wanted. I would also never make illegal people smoking, hurting their lungs, in the privacy of their own homes. However, just because I wouldn't make these things illegal, I know the harm gluttony is to the body, as well as the harm smoking is to the lungs, as well as the harm masturbation to porn does to many people in their relationships or even having a relationship with a real person.

Edited December 1, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[BetheButterfly]

 

So you are saying that guys who aren't sexually active, should not masturbate and use that sexual hunger to pursue women for sex? Yeah, that does make sense.

 

I am saying, to put it in another way, that instead of wasting time and energy and programming your brain to associate sex with masturbating to porn, it would be more conducive to actually having a relationship with a real woman (and not just -moving or still- pictures of women) if one abstains from masturbating to porn and instead uses his sexual energy into improving oneself and figuring out how to connect with a woman.

 

There are ways to connect to women who like casual sex, and there are ways to connect to women who like mate relationships. However, merely masturbating to porn alone doesn't bring about either one. Learning how to communicate with the opposite gender in order to connect on either a casual or mate level is not learned by merely jerking off to porn.

 

The question is how to deal with the extra tension and irritability that is caused from going so long without a release. And BTW, you haven't addressed my post if you could go six months without any sort of sexual intimacy.

When I was a kid, I didn't have any sort of sexual intimacy. I wish all kids had this experience, since horribly, many kids are sexually abused. I don't know why some adults are so perverse and uncaring to little ones.

 

I did have an issue with masturbating (and yeah looking at porn, when I was around 15) but I am glad to have figured out that masturbation is not what I want. Sex with a wonderful man who loves me who I love is what I want.

 

When I was 19-23, I abstained from masturbation. I was a virgin till I was 23. After my divorce from my first marriage, I did go through times without any sort of sexual intimacy, as well as without masturbation.

 

Since marrying my husband, I have no need to masturbate or control myself, since my husband happily takes care of my sexual needs/desires. However, being single and not masturbating helped me put more time, desire, and effort into improving myself and being ready to meet my soulmate.

 

The saying, "Where there's a will, there's a way." is true for many things. As I wrote to Ross, our brains are like a computer. We can "program" routines and what we do. Sometimes it hurts to not do what we have programmed our brains to do and to change, but improving ourselves includes change and the ability to decide what helps us achieve our long-term goals, and to disconnect from what only feels good but causes harm in the long run.

 

Currently, I'm "programming" my brain:

to not be so addicted to loveshack

to not drink more than 1 cup of coffee a day

to not eat so much sugary/fattening foods

to work out at least 3 times a week in the gym

to grow in being more loving and kind

 

Now, I fail sometimes, but the important thing of reprogramming one's mind, getting rid of bad habits, and making good habits is to keep on trying!!!

 

I love this song and dance by Pink

 

Although granted the song is a little melancholy, the results of trying and succeeding in either love or improving oneself is awesome!!!

 

Pink, by the way, didn't become an awesome dancer and acrobat/gymnast by not trying and by eating lots of junk food and not working out. I don't know if she masturbates to porn or not, but I know she is really busy "trying" and succeeding in other areas of life. She is married again to her husband, and I very much hope their relationship grows stronger and more beautiful and loving. She also has a precious daughter. Her actions show what is important to her.

Edited December 1, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[somedude81]

Yea, except for the "express my desire" part. Try some confident, gentlemanly tact instead. Ask her about her life in very general, non-threatening ways. What are her interests? what does she like to do in her free time? Her favorite foods... etc. You know, just have a friendly normal conversation. People do it every day. It's not difficult.

So do I.

 

I've done it every day for almost a decade. Look where it's gotten me.

 

Doing just what you said, is how you make friends. Women don't want to date and or sleep with guys that are just friends.

 

Either way, it's getting off-topic for this thread.

 

Fact of the matter is, I can look at porn in the morning and then go talk to girls in my dance class an hour later. Whether I masturbated or not at home, has no affect on my interaction with them.

[somedude81]

I am saying, to put it in another way, that instead of wasting time and energy and programming your brain to associate sex with masturbating to porn, it would be more conducive to actually having a relationship with a real woman (and not just -moving or still- pictures of women) if one abstains from masturbating to porn and instead uses his sexual energy into improving oneself and figuring out how to connect with a woman.

Something sounds very new agey about channeling my sexual energy into other aspects of my life. I have no idea how to use my sex drive for anything other than wanting to get laid. In my case, if I don't masturbate for a while, the horniness (can't think of a better word) builds up and I start to get frustrated and depressed because it makes me even more aware that I want to have sex, and have nobody to do it with. For me, it's almost as if masturbation is like taking an anti-depression medication.

 

However, merely masturbating to porn alone doesn't bring about either one. Learning how to communicate with the opposite gender in order to connect on either a casual or mate level is not learned by merely jerking off to porn.

That's because the two are not related in any way, shape or form.

 

There are plenty of guys out there who do very well with women, and they still jerk off to porn. It has no affect at all.

When I was a kid, I didn't have any sort of sexual intimacy.

No one expects kids to have any sort of sexual intimacy, and as you said, it's wrong for them to do so. In other words, that doesn't count.

 

I did have an issue with masturbating (and yeah looking at porn, when I was around 15) but I am glad to have figured out that masturbation is not what I want. Sex with a wonderful man who loves me who I love is what I want.

 

When I was 19-23, I abstained from masturbation. I was a virgin till I was 23. After my divorce from my first marriage, I did go through times without any sort of sexual intimacy, as well as without masturbation.

So you masturbated from 15-19 and then stopped? Then nothing until you got married at 23? That's a long time to go without an orgasm

 

How happy were you in those times with no sexual intimacy?

 

Since marrying my husband, I have no need to masturbate or control myself, since my husband happily takes care of my sexual needs/desires. However, being single and not masturbating helped me put more time, desire, and effort into improving myself and being ready to meet my soulmate.

Unless one spends the whole day masturbating or looking at porn, I can't see how the time is a factor.

 

The saying, "Where there's a will, there's a way." is true for many things. As I wrote to Ross, our brains are like a computer. We can "program" routines and what we do. Sometimes it hurts to not do what we have programmed our brains to do and to change, but improving ourselves includes change and the ability to decide what helps us achieve our long-term goals, and to disconnect from what only feels good but causes harm in the long run.

 

Currently, I'm "programming" my brain:

to not be so addicted to loveshack

to not drink more than 1 cup of coffee a day

to not eat so much sugary/fattening foods

to work out at least 3 times a week in the gym

to grow in being more loving and kind

The sex drive isn't just the brain.

 

Yeah, loveshack is too addicting

 

Now, I fail sometimes, but the important thing of reprogramming one's mind, getting rid of bad habits, and making good habits is to keep on trying!!!

 

I love this song and dance by Pink

 

Although granted the song is a little melancholy, the results of trying and succeeding in either love or improving oneself is awesome!!!

 

Pink, by the way, didn't become an awesome dancer and acrobat/gymnast by not trying and by eating lots of junk food and not working out. I don't know if she masturbates to porn or not, but I know she is really busy "trying" and succeeding in other areas of life. She is married again to her husband, and I very much hope their relationship grows stronger and more beautiful and loving. She also has a precious daughter. Her actions show what is important to her.

Hah, I bet Pink is in to some really freaky porn. She also doesn't seem like somebody who went any significant amount of time without getting sex, regardless if she was in a relationship or not.

[BetheButterfly]

Something sounds very new agey about channeling my sexual energy into other aspects of my life. I have no idea how to use my sex drive for anything other than wanting to get laid. In my case, if I don't masturbate for a while, the horniness (can't think of a better word) builds up and I start to get frustrated and depressed because it makes me even more aware that I want to have sex, and have nobody to do it with. For me, it's almost as if masturbation is like taking an anti-depression medication.

 

Cutting out bad habits and "programming" one's mind to acquire good habits is not new agey. It's more common sense. People can get addicted to drugs, you know. If masturbation is your drug, it's a possibility you are addicted, cause masturbation is addicting to many people.

 

 

That's because the two are not related in any way, shape or form.

 

Having sex with a real person involves connecting with the real person and having a form of communication with that person. However, if your brain is programmed to seeing sex as masturbating to porn, that's not going to help you figure out how to connect with a real person.

 

Here's a cool website that has interesting points.

Start here for an overview of key concepts | Your Brain On Porn

 

Now, one thing that article said is that women can be just as promiscuous, when given the chance. That is true. However, women can also choose not to be promiscuous. We can use our brains to decide what we want to be. I chose not to be promiscuous but rather to be monogamous. I could change (reprogram myself) but I don't want to.

 

There are plenty of guys out there who do very well with women, and they still jerk off to porn. It has no affect at all.

 

They have already learned how to make a connection with the women they want. Because their brains are already programmed on how to connect and have sex with a real woman without any money or force involved, masturbation to porn doesn't have an effect. However, for those who do not know how, masturbation to porn can keep them from figuring it out.

 

No one expects kids to have any sort of sexual intimacy, and as you said, it's wrong for them to do so. In other words, that doesn't count.

 

Agreed. Ok.

 

 

So you masturbated from 15-19 and then stopped? Then nothing until you got married at 23? That's a long time to go without an orgasm

 

Yep but you know what's interesting? I found that there's a HUGE difference in between masturbating and achieving an organism with having oral and vaginal sex with a man who loves me and achieving multiple and various and different kinds of orgasms!!! (Many women can orgasm both through the stimulation of the clitoris, as well as the gspot.)

 

So, my experience has led me to believe that orgasms caused by having sex with a man is zillions of times BETTER than stimulating myself. I know not all women have that experience, but that has been my experience. Before I got married for the first time, i didn't know that though. Actually, I was really disappointed the first time because it hurt so much. It wasn't until my body got used to sex and actually begin feeling pleasure that I found out I like sex with my husband zillions of times better than just stimulating myself.

 

How happy were you in those times with no sexual intimacy?

 

I was very happy!!! I am a happy person normally, though I do get sensitive and moody sometimes. However, I try to focus on the positive, the beautiful, and the fun things in life!!! When I do that, happiness just naturally clings to me like my shadow.

 

One can be happy without sex, if one knows that happiness is not found in having or not having something, but rather in enjoying the positives of life. I think people get depressed when they focus on negatives and not see positives.

 

Unless one spends the whole day masturbating or looking at porn, I can't see how the time is a factor.

 

 

The sex drive isn't just the brain.

 

Yeah, loveshack is too addicting

 

Hah, I bet Pink is in to some really freaky porn. She also doesn't seem like somebody who went any significant amount of time without getting sex, regardless if she was in a relationship or not.

 

I wonder if there's a place where she talks about porn or masturbating? Personally, I think she is relationship-oriented, since she got married and has been with the same man, off and on, for around 10 years. Now, there are some women who enjoy looking at porn with their partner, but many women are more into sex with their partner, instead of watching other people have sex and stimulating their own sex organs while watching...

[terlislee]

I personally think masturbation is a perfectly normal and healthy thing to do, as is watching porn. We are sexual beings and I see nothing wrong in making ourselves and our body feel good in that department. Porn is just one of the ways to help you get off, as are fantasies or reading erotic stories etc. As long as you don't spend hours every day doing it and let it affect your life in a significant way, I wouldn't call it an addiction. And sure maybe it can have a negative effect on performance with a partner, but I would say that's very individual and not a norm.

 

I'm in my mid twenties and as far as I know all my female and male friends do it regularly. Sometimes I do it several times a day sometimes I skip a few, but I don't think it has ever affected my social life or chances of getting a partner (that's just silly imo). It's not something I necessarily have to do, I can go weeks without, but I don't see a reason why should I restrain myself if I don't see any negative effects. Also, I would never stop or expect my partner to stop just because we are suddenly in a relationship, when I feel horny and he's not available I'll do it, same for them, and it doesn't mean we cannot enjoy love making on a deeper level or have mindblowing sex together.

 

I respect if other people have a different view and it's great if that works for them, but there's no need pushing it on others as the "right" one. It's a private sphere where everybody should do whatever they enjoy and are comfortable with without any judgments, as long as they're not hurting anyone else. It's up to everyone to decide how much porn or masturbation is too much for them or if it's for them at all, they know best how it does or doesn't make them feel, both physically and emotionally, and what positive/negative effects it has had on them.

[grkBoy]

I personally think masturbation is a perfectly normal and healthy thing to do, as is watching porn. We are sexual beings and I see nothing wrong in making ourselves and our body feel good in that department. Porn is just one of the ways to help you get off, as are fantasies or reading erotic stories etc. As long as you don't spend hours every day doing it and let it affect your life in a significant way, I wouldn't call it an addiction. And sure maybe it can have a negative effect on performance with a partner, but I would say that's very individual and not a norm.

 

I agree with you.

 

In all honesty, I don't know if I'll ever look at porn again, or not. For me, I simply didn't want to have it be an every day thing like it used to be...with me having ED problems in bed with my fiancee later.

 

I fully think masturbation and even porn can be sexually healthy...even just to prevent prostate cancer and maintain healthy organs. I just think when porn/masturbation suddenly becomes an obstacle to a male being a man...when it causes him to not do well in bed or not work on seeking actual females, then IN MY BOOK it's unhealthy.

 

You get it...and I'm glad you do.

 

 

 

And your screen name is a Willow reference, right?

[BetheButterfly]

I personally think masturbation is a perfectly normal and healthy thing to do, as is watching porn.

 

This is why many people today are having a problem getting addicted to porn and to masturbating to porn, because many people think it's perfectly normal and even healthy to do!

 

Some people also think that it is perfectly normal to get drunk as much as they want and smoke as well, but in reality, addiction to drinking alcohol causes problems with one's health (as well as putting into danger the health/safety of other people) and smoking is not at all healthy for the lungs.

 

In the same way, masturbation to porn leads to a very unhealthy addiction for many people. This harmful addiction hurts relationships.

 

We are sexual beings

We are sexual beings who are able to think and who also tend to desire a relationship with a real person, not with a TV screen or magazine.

 

and I see nothing wrong in making ourselves and our body feel good in that department. Porn is just one of the ways to help you get off, as are fantasies or reading erotic stories etc. As long as you don't spend hours every day doing it and let it affect your life in a significant way, I wouldn't call it an addiction.

An addiction is basically whatever you have to do almost everyday, and what if you don't do, you will feel "miserable" until you do it again.

 

And sure maybe it can have a negative effect on performance with a partner, but I would say that's very individual and not a norm.

Actually, research shows that it's becoming more and more normal for porn/masturbating to porn having a very negative effect on performance with a real person. Research and many people's personal experiences show as well that porn hurts marriages/long term relationships: (I boldened some.)

 

"Internet Porn and its Effects on Marriage:

According to the Journal of Adolescent Health, prolonged exposure to pornography leads to:

• An exaggerated perception of sexual activity in society

• Diminished trust between intimate couples

• The abandonment of the hope of sexual monogamy

• Belief that promiscuity is the natural state

• Belief that abstinence and sexual inactivity are unhealthy

• Cynicism about love or the need for affection between sexual partners

• Belief that marriage is sexually confining

• Lack of attraction to family and child-raising41

 

According to sociologist Jill Manning, the research indicates pornography consumption is associated with the following six trends, among others:

1. Increased marital distress, and risk of separation and divorce

2. Decreased marital intimacy and sexual satisfaction

3. Infidelity

4. Increased appetite for more graphic types of pornography and sexual activity associated with abusive, illegal or unsafe practices

5. Devaluation of monogamy, marriage and child rearing

6. An increasing number of people struggling with compulsive and addictive sexual behavior 42

 

In a press release from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (divorce lawyers) reported that the most salient factors present in divorce cases are as follows:43

• • • •

68% of the divorces involved one party meeting a new lover over the Internet.

56% involved one party having “an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.”

47% involved spending excessive time on the computer.

33% involved excessive time spent speaking in chat rooms."

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=6&ved=0CEsQFjAF&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.discernement.com%2Ffichs%2F10141.pdf&ei=tLm8UMK-CsnfqgGw34GABQ&usg=AFQjCNEN4m874FlB8eCcy4pfsd2ZnZ-Law

 

 

I'm in my mid twenties and as far as I know all my female and male friends do it regularly. Sometimes I do it several times a day sometimes I skip a few, but I don't think it has ever affected my social life or chances of getting a partner (that's just silly imo).

It's not something I necessarily have to do, I can go weeks without, but I don't see a reason why should I restrain myself if I don't see any negative effects. Also, I would never stop or expect my partner to stop just because we are suddenly in a relationship, when I feel horny and he's not available I'll do it, same for them, and it doesn't mean we cannot enjoy love making on a deeper level or have mindblowing sex together.

Are you in a healthy and loving relationship? If you are, that's great. However, sadly many people experience not having loving and healthy relationships, and porn/masturbation to porn is just one reason out of many. Porn/masturbating to porn is like poison that can most definitely hurt a relationship, same as cheating. For some people, watching porn is similar to cheating. Some people also tend to not be able to function as well in a real relationship (or even attain a relationship with a real woman) because porn has desensitized them.

 

The following quote is very interesting:

 

"As desensitization numbs you to everyday pleasures, sensitization makes your brain hyper-reactive to anything associated with your porn addiction. Over time, this dual-edged mechanism can have your reward circuitry buzzing at the hint of porn use, but less than enthused when presented with the real deal."

 

Start here for an overview of key concepts | Your Brain On Porn

 

 

 

 

I respect if other people have a different view and it's great if that works for them, but there's no need pushing it on others as the "right" one. It's a private sphere where everybody should do whatever they enjoy and are comfortable with without any judgments, as long as they're not hurting anyone else. It's up to everyone to decide how much porn or masturbation is too much for them or if it's for them at all, they know best how it does or doesn't make them feel, both physically and emotionally, and what positive/negative effects it has had on them.

People are learning more and more about the human brain. Pornography and getting one's sexual pleasure from stimulating one's own organs leads to addiction which also leads to decreased ability to have a loving and healthy relationship with another human being. Thus, masturbating to porn is detrimental to relationships.

 

The following is very interesting: (I boldened some.)

Study exposes secret world of porn addiction

 

 

10 May 2012

 

ShareThis

A major study from the University of Sydney has shed light on the secret world of excessive porn viewing and the devastating effect it has on users and their families.

Dr Gomathi Sitharthan of the Faculty of Health Sciences and Professor Raj Sitharthan from the Department of Psychiatry of the University of Sydney conducted an online study of 800 people who watch porn to gain an unprecedented insight into who suffers from porn addiction and how their addiction affects them.

Preliminary results from the study have revealed that 43 percent of those surveyed started to view porn between the ages of 11 and 13, 47 percent spend between 30 minutes and three hours a day watching porn. More than half of porn users surveyed were married or in de-facto relationships and 85 percent were male.

The researchers found excessive users had severe social and relationship problems and had often lost their jobs or been in trouble with the law as a result of their addiction. Some users escalated their viewing to more extreme and often illegal material.

"We all know what porn is, but until now we haven't known much about its impact," says Dr Gomathi Sitharthan.

"Gone are the days when you had to go to a shop, pay for the merchandise, and come out with a magazine in a brown paper bag. You can now download anything, anytime, anywhere - at home, in your bedroom, in your office, in the car, in the park, on the way to work."

The survey also shed light on extreme cases. For example, about 20 percent of participants said that they preferred the excitement of watching porn to being sexually intimate with their partner. About 14 percent had formed a relationship with other online users, 30 percent acknowledged that their work performance suffered due to excessive viewing, and about 18 percent were preoccupied with fantasising when they were not online.

 

News | The University of Sydney

Edited December 3, 2012 by BetheButterfly