Dad got his affair partner pregnant Now what

[Ska]

She called me today... First time I've heard her voice since she called me on the way to get my dad from jail...

[pink_sugar]

What happened?!!!

[Ska]

Our conversation went something like this:

Me: hello?

Mom: little *my name*?

me: yes?

Mom: sorry honey, I thought you were daddy for a minute, you sound just like him

Me: fortunately, I'm not dad.

Mom: I know, silly. we watched Slacker (my favorite movie) last night and we thought about you. How are you sweet heart?

Me: fine.

Mom: you don't sound fine... What's wrong baby?

Me: lots of things, mom. you know what my problem is.

Mom: so she told you what happened didnt she? daddy doesn't mean it baby. Daddy loves me, and you too. You're his little boy, daddy just gets angry sometimes. He just needs some understanding.

Me: I'm done listening to you mom, why did you call?

Mom: because I miss you, do you want to come and have dinner Sunday?

Me: no mom.

Mom: *voice shaking* ok then, I love you.

 

Then we said good bye

[pink_sugar]

Oh wow, I can imagine how hard that must have been for you. I'm not surprised your mom came around. Even the most abusive of mothers have a difficult time really trying to disown or push away their children. She couldn't have forgotten you forever. However, this is a good time to lay down some boundaries, which you have done. If you hear from her again and she wants to know why you don't want to see her, you can be honest with her.

 

"Mom, it breaks my heart to say this, but I cannot continue to allow dad to hurt me or watch him hurt you and unless this changes, this means I cannot see you anymore."

 

I am so sorry you have to deal with this and my heart goes out to you.

[turnera]

{{{ska}}}

 

That must have been so hard. I'm proud of you for protecting yourself.

 

I want to warn you of something, though. My guess is that your dad told your mom to invite you. After what he did, he has to establish that you will still crawl back to him. He doesn't grasp that you may be growing out of your dependence on him. So, when she tells him that you said no, he will do what he always does - punish someone else (her) so that you feel guilt and DO crawl back. It's no different than when he took you all to the party.

 

I'm just telling you so you'll be prepared when she calls you and tells you he beat her (or more likely uses ANOTHER of the kids to call you).

 

This will be a test. You will have to stand your ground. If you don't, if you go over because of your guilt, he just learned to beat her again, if you ever dare stand up to him. If you walk away now and don't look back, you will actually be helping her. Sick as that is.

Edited September 7, 2012 by turnera

[bluegreen]

 

It amazes me that sob like that is alive and kicking and that there are good decent young old children it does not matter dead or fighting for their lives and will not win that battle it makes me wanna jump out of my skin.

The gentleman above me is right and am so sorry that he is BUT have you tried going to Police Station and asking to talk to some big shoot over there baring your soul and maybe they would take pity and keep an eye on that b... and catch him at something he does wrong or first wrong thing.

 

I would never offered this advice to anyone but you seem to need it

Did you ever thought of getting a some big muscle friend to "scare" b... out of his skin bullies only terrorize weaker then them but run when someone strong comes at them ?

[Ska]

 

It amazes me that sob like that is alive and kicking and that there are good decent young old children it does not matter dead or fighting for their lives and will not win that battle it makes me wanna jump out of my skin.

The gentleman above me is right and am so sorry that he is BUT have you tried going to Police Station and asking to talk to some big shoot over there baring your soul and maybe they would take pity and keep an eye on that b... and catch him at something he does wrong or first wrong thing.

 

I would never offered this advice to anyone but you seem to need it

Did you ever thought of getting a some big muscle friend to "scare" b... out of his skin bullies only terrorize weaker then them but run when someone strong comes at them ?

I don't know if you saw I'm 22 or not, but I'm "a grown man" my dad has friends in the police department, so that doesn't always work

 

 

On getting someone bigger my dad is 6'6 235 pounds of muscle . He's also a trained fighter, my dad is a pretty scary guy...

[turnera]

I wonder if there's something he does that the FEDERAL law enforcement would be interested in? They'd be above the local cops.

[bluegreen]

True

little planted something something some anonymous tip : ) of this or that ....

[Ska]

I didn't even say "I love you"... I could tell that hurt her. I feel like a jerk now.

[bluegreen]

She knows that you love her but that love does not mean you have to keep closing your eyes to truth she loves "him" more then she loves herself or anyone or anything else she loves him more then she loves being free being respected or

having normal life where beatings humiliations and abuse is not happening.

 

As anyone else has already said she made and makes every day same choice she is not insane drug addict or legally not able to fend for herself at least until she is committed and evaluated she makes choice to STAY and be abused it breaks your heart makes you sick and scream inside but SHE knows this and is still doing it.

 

Have you ever asked yourself does she love YOU enough to do something different to walk away ask for help cause if she did don't you think that she would have done that by now its horrible thing to say and am sorry I have to say it but I have had and still have similar case like yours and I realized no matter how many proofs i provide how many explanations I offer she will choose "abusers" always has been will be why you might ask cause SHE MADE CHOICE to cling and love what she choose and not ME ....

[turnera]

I didn't even say "I love you"... I could tell that hurt her. I feel like a jerk now.

As counterintuitive as it sounds, every thing you do that makes her more uncomfortable in the life she has chosen is one thing that MIGHT spur her to end the abuse. You are HELPING her by not going along with the charade.

[bluegreen]

I just hope to hell that one day we don't read here he finished with her for good

[Ska]

There was a soft knock on my door today, thinking it was the girl I've kind of been seeing I opened the door with a big smile on my face. It was my mom, I ducked down anticipating my dad to start hitting me... She told me it was ok, he was golfing with my uncle. However, his game wasn't going well because I "hurt daddy's shoulder pretty bad" I asked if it mattered two of my ribs are broken. She changed the subject.

 

She said my apartment was the cleanest she'd ever seen it, she thought she would be picking something up like she does every time she comes over. Then she put it together I was waiting for sOmeone. She said "I'm just messing something else up aren't I? I always do that, I'm so stupid." I told her no, the girl I was waiting for wouldn't bE there for awhile, and to not call my mom stupid. Then she hugged me, I noticed her hand was swollen and bruised, and she's losing more weight. At the current moment she probably weighs 98 pounds. She started telling me I'm so handsome and I look like her dad did before he died.

 

She stayed until there was another knock at my door, I opened it and it was the girl I was waiting for. She came in and introduced herself, my mom said "I'm *****'s mom, it's really nice to meet you. I should probably get going." she gave me a kiss, She looked like she was going to cry, so I walked her out to her car and she left.

 

When I got back inside the girl started making fun of me because of what she called me, I told her it was because I'm named after my dad and everyone called me that. Then she told me my mom is gorgeous, I told her I knew that already.

 

I was actually happy to see her though, she wasn't as bad as I expected her to be.

[pink_sugar]

Pleasant surprise. If your mom is trying, let her. It's up to you though, but make it clear your father is not welcome. If your mom still wants a relationship and you want one with her, let her come to you alone. However, don't drop your guard and give up your hopes. She is still under control of your father and he will ultimately come first sad to say. :-(

[bluegreen]

I suspect HE is the one who had her come over beaten up after all WHY did you not call police right there and then you saw bruises you saw swellings call the freaking FBI and leave anonymous tip about him LIE trough your teeth who the hell cares he can't have friends "everywhere".

 

What am going to say it will sound "ugly" and low bellow belt hit but this has started to sound like unlikely story if you called police so many times there has to be a number of how many times something can be reported before someone goes to jail or something happens.

 

If am wrong God forgive me but ...

[Ska]

The police have only been called twice, when he beat me up and when my sister called. I didn't press charges, and he got a slap on the wrist when my sister reported him.

 

Cops weren't ever called when they were younger because there was never an adult around and no one knew, except my aunt. Who was young, and also afraid of what he might do to her.

 

When I was little their friends didn't know and still don't because she makes up excuses of what's wrong. We were threatened if we called she would take us off sports teams, take our things away, take the dog to the pound or get him put down, and worst of all tell my dad we called. So, there haven't been a lot of reports...

 

Reason I didn't call this time? I can't prove it, they would want to know how I know, and although I have an idea I can't prove it. I'm worried about what will happen to her when he gets out. I'm pretty sure it would be the last time there was ever a "problem" again.

[Ska]

I've read this book twelve times... I just don't get it. She doesn't deserve this, I don't understand why she stays. I want to call her and ask why, why she doesn't want better. He's a jackass, he isn't attractive (at least I don't think so, maybe these girls see something in him I don't,) yea he can be really nice to her, he's not stupid, he has a good job, he provides for her. I don't think that's enough. If I had someone like my mom I'd worship the ground she walks on...

 

She's funny, she's sweet, she goes out of her way for anyone and everyone. She might not have gone to college but she's not stupid. It's like he doesn't realize how good he's got it... She makes it so he doesn't have to lift a finger the moment he walks in the door.

 

I'm so frustrated!!!!!!

Edited September 13, 2012 by Ska

[pink_sugar]

Yeah, there is no excuse for domestic abuse and violence...no matter who it is. He knows she's like this and takes advantage of it and her because she's never stuck up for herself nor knows how to.

[turnera]

What book have you read?

[Ska]

Why does he do that? Inside the mind.

[turnera]

Oh. Thanks.

 

Ok, here's my advice for you for today.

 

First, it's obvious you love your mom, and you feel guilt. You're reading that book, hoping to figure out how you can get her to leave your dad. You want HER to do it. It's hard for someone who's been abused like you have, to have the strength to stand up against your dad. It's hard to accept that your mom LEFT you in that position of guilt instead of being the adult, and saving you all from him. It's hard as a young adult to realize that people you love aren't perfect and are just as human as you are. It's a rude awakening. NOW is the time when you start getting flooded with a milion feelings and doubts and questions, trying to make sense of the world. Any ONE of the things you've endured is enough to mess up a person. You really are very admirable. I hope you know that.

 

So...what to do?

 

That book is great - for the abused spouse. it's really written for wives of abusers. I'm thinking there must be TONS of books out there for CHILDREN of abusers; ask your therapist for a list. Something will help you figure out what steps you need to take, and whether you can just walk away.

 

A lot of people do, walk away I mean. Therapy will help you do that, realize you can get past the guilt.

 

If you decide you want to help her, you need to educate yourself BIG time. I'm talking legal, mental, community, friends/family...it would take months and months of preparation for an intervention and probably institutionalization until she can become deprogrammed from the abuse. And even then it's not assured it will work and she won't run back to him.

 

She's sick. Probably certifiable. You have to understand that. Have you looked up Stockholm Syndrome like I suggested? That will help you understand. Or look up ... oh, what's her name...Squeaky Fromm? The girl who got brainwashed into helping Manson?

 

You need to understand psychology. Whether you help her or you walk away, you need to learn everything you can about psychology. It will be your lifesaver.

[Ska]

I've been reading up on it. I'm quite familiar with squeaky's story, I did a report on Manson my senior year.

 

I went back and read over this again, I feel like such a snot... I hope no one got the wrong impression here. I really really love her...

 

I think maybe a part of it is her dad died when he was 28, he killed himself. she was about 6 at the time, my grandmother had to work two jobs so a lot of the time my mom had to watch the other kids. She met my dad when she was 15 and he started to help her out. He would drive them when my grandma couldn't, go to the store for them, fix things, the list goes on. so maybe it's because she had to be an adult so early... It's just an idea.

 

I've been crying over this a lot, and it makes me feel defeated.

Edited September 14, 2012 by Ska

[turnera]

Don't feel defeated! Ska, you're an amazing young man! I can tell you have it right, you came out of this with integrity and feelings and the ability to love. That's huge! And you're smart enough to seek help and to educate yourself, and that's even more huge! Statistically, you're probably in the top 1% of people. Be proud of yourself.

 

As for your personal situation, your family...it's hard. The reason I brought up Squeaky and such is so you can understand that what your mom thinks...isn't the way a normal person thinks. When a person goes into survival mode, they change, out of necessity. There's a woman on another forum who was sexually abused by her brother growing up. She married a man who is beyond abusive, he's deviant. Has had dozens of other partners over their marriage, and she's stayed. And participates in all kinds of things in the bedroom, just to keep him from leaving! It's so sad. And she's trying SO hard to leave him, even kicked him out, but he continued to work on her so much, constantly, that, while he doesn't technically live with her, he is there every day and she is still providing SF every single day.

 

So I tell you that so you can move the blame that you all have naturally put on your mom's head, to where it belongs - on HIS head. HE caused her to become like that, out of sheer survival. What you and your siblings did is 100% normal; if you read the books, you'll see that's what happens all the time.

 

But you're an adult now, and you need to make a choice - and it's a hard one. You can maintain the status quo so she doesn't have to have the enormous bandage ripped off her big gaping wound (by leaving him), and she can live out the rest of her life in ... moderate satisfaction (she no longer expects more than life, with an occasional beating). You can leave them both behind and work on yourself to get rid of the guilt you're now naturally feeling (all children of abusers do), wash your hands of them and start a new life once you get your Masters/PhD. Lots of people do that, to save their sanity. And there's nothing wrong with that; you don't owe either of them anything, not really, it wasn't your choice to be born. The third option is to focus on getting her away from him. The hardest one to achieve. She is literally brainwashed, and even with 5, 10, 20 years of therapy, she may never come out of it. Even a month of abuse can mess a person up for life; imagine what she would have to deal with. We rescued a dog 17 years ago (she just died) from people who were abusing a bunch of dogs and, to the day she died, if she saw a broom in our hands, she went running to hide. It's hardwired in your mom's brain now.

 

Now, say you and your siblings were to get together, pool your resources, figure out a way to get your dad in prison, and the three of you banded together to take care of her, get her to therapy, and let her see what life was supposed to be like. She would have a chance at a decent decade or two of life with him gone. It's doable. But it would take a LOT of dedication on you and your siblings' parts - you can't just rip her bandaid off and then go live your life. She IS nothing without him right now and she would wither away and die. So, if you consider going down that path, know what you're signing up for.

 

I think that, together, the three of you could harass him badly enough that you could drive him out, but it would have to be consistent, constant, focused, and you could not leave your mom alone, because, as you've seen and I warned you, he would beat her to punish you.

 

What does your therapist say about this? He/she is more knowledgable about your situation; I would follow his/her lead.

[Ska]

Basically that he thinks I should cut all ties with her. Tell her I think this type of treatment is cruel and I won't stand for it, in any case.

 

I don't want her to think I don't love her, that would break her heart. She doesn't need that too. When I took her to her car she was trembling when she hugged and kissed me. I think she knows it's wrong, but doesn't want to lose him...