pink_sugar Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Yep, by the time I graduate it will have taken me 6 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ska Posted August 26, 2012 Author Share Posted August 26, 2012 Zolie, it is a weird story. My ex girlfriend suggested i write a book. She didnt even know the whole story. The only reason she knew so much is she over heard him talking to her when my siblings and I were outside and they didn't know she was in the house. I've shared more on here because it's anonymous and I'm extremely embarrassed I'm related to my parents... I do have insurance, but The tires are only covered to a certain extent, he shredded them with his dagger he has, so I'm SOL on that one... He made me graduate with my associates degree, which in the long run has saved me a lot of trouble. I almost have a masters (went in with associates, worked on bachelors and got it. Now on to masters and probably law school but I haven't decided yet.) I'm not in deep, but it's been nice being full time and keeping up my grades. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 Not to rain on your parade, but this may be the impetus you need to walk away from him forever. You've got your Bachelor's. You can easily survive on your own and get a job and take a couple years part time to get the Master's, if you needed to. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ska Posted August 26, 2012 Author Share Posted August 26, 2012 Not to rain on your parade, but this may be the impetus you need to walk away from him forever. You've got your Bachelor's. You can easily survive on your own and get a job and take a couple years part time to get the Master's, if you needed to. I really have thought about it, I have stuck around for my mom mostly. My dad and I can scream and yell and get in fights, but when she calls and we talk I usually go back. She has that affect on people. I just dont understand why she's not good enough... He's not a prize in any sense of the word... Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 (edited) And, as I keep telling you, an abuse victim is NOT a normal person. She is brainwashed, bereft of ANY sense of self worth or self ability. The longer a woman stays with an abuser - expecially one so extreme as your dad - the less capable she is of EVER having a single thought of her own. She is LITERALLY incapable of doing anything different by now. She will NEVER EVER leave him on her own. She can't. Her mind has turned to mush when it comes to believing she CAN think on her own, can want anything other than him, or would even WANT to want anything else. It is literal brainwashing. Look up Stockholm Syndrome and you will understand. Or read any of the hundreds of books about abuse. You keep acting as if your mom was a whole person capable of making decisions. She isn't. She has been mentally perversed by the years of abuse. It kind of upsets me to see someone who must be as smart as you must be, who refuses to hear what I and others are saying about why she does what she does. btw, it's also very typical for victims abused as children to cling to the abuser and look down upon the spouse of the abuser. Just like you are doing. You could change that if you would get more help. Edited August 26, 2012 by turnera 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ska Posted August 26, 2012 Author Share Posted August 26, 2012 I have been reading up on it. It's just hard for me to accept it, she's so beautiful, and sweet, and funny. Her saying I'm dead to her and saying she doesn't know who I am is a major blow. I go to therapy once a week I've made a lot of progress since I started. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ska Posted August 26, 2012 Author Share Posted August 26, 2012 And, as I keep telling you, an abuse victim is NOT a normal person. She is brainwashed, bereft of ANY sense of self worth or self ability. The longer a woman stays with an abuser - expecially one so extreme as your dad - the less capable she is of EVER having a single thought of her own. She is LITERALLY incapable of doing anything different by now. She will NEVER EVER leave him on her own. She can't. Her mind has turned to mush when it comes to believing she CAN think on her own, can want anything other than him, or would even WANT to want anything else. It is literal brainwashing. Look up Stockholm Syndrome and you will understand. Or read any of the hundreds of books about abuse. You keep acting as if your mom was a whole person capable of making decisions. She isn't. She has been mentally perversed by the years of abuse. It kind of upsets me to see someone who must be as smart as you must be, who refuses to hear what I and others are saying about why she does what she does. btw, it's also very typical for victims abused as children to cling to the abuser and look down upon the spouse of the abuser. Just like you are doing. You could change that if you would get more help. I've ordered that book you recommended by the way. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 I'm sure you know, then, how complicated the human mind is. Imagine being a prisoner of war for 10 years. Beholding to your captor for food, shelter...life. You want to hate him but you want/have to trust him. After a while, instead of being the person you hate, he becomes the person you NEED. It's sick, but it's what happens. In her twisted mind, she NEEDS him and him alone. I've seen abused women give up their kids, their families, their careers, their health, their LIFE...because they think they have to have that man. The abuse does that to them. That's why I was pushing you to help her. She will never - CAN never - get help on her own. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ska Posted August 26, 2012 Author Share Posted August 26, 2012 I hadn't seen the book was already here last night, the ups guy must have came while I was gone. I'm already done with it, I couldn't put it down... The 9 personality types got me. I could see him in a few of them, I can't decide if that's a good thing or not. I think she really does love him, he's good at pulling on her heart strings. God I hate him so much!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 I'm sure you know, then, how complicated the human mind is. Imagine being a prisoner of war for 10 years. Beholding to your captor for food, shelter...life. You want to hate him but you want/have to trust him. After a while, instead of being the person you hate, he becomes the person you NEED. It's sick, but it's what happens. In her twisted mind, she NEEDS him and him alone. I've seen abused women give up their kids, their families, their careers, their health, their LIFE...because they think they have to have that man. The abuse does that to them. That's why I was pushing you to help her. She will never - CAN never - get help on her own. Very true. This happened with my husband and his mom. Stepfather major control freak and his mother choose him over her son. The stepfather really knew how to work it. He would get offended over every little thing...on purpose, because if he's mad, she's mad. He knows how to work the system and he wanted his stepson out of the picture so he could have his mother all to himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 27, 2012 Share Posted August 27, 2012 I'm glad you read the book. I hope it helps. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 Huh? What thread are YOU reading? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ska Posted August 30, 2012 Author Share Posted August 30, 2012 Did I miss something? My sister walked into their the day before yesterday to pick up a check. The door was unlocked so she walked in. He was beating the sh.it out of her. Punching her in the face and stomach, she was begging him to stop. He turned around and asked my sister what she was doing. She said she was calling the cops. My mom got up and started pleading with her to not call and he didn't mean it. She deserved it (I highly doubt it). The cop who showed up is her friend's son, my sister told him what had happened and then they walked out together; she was holding his hand. They both denied anything had happened and my sister was lying. He asked my dad to come down to the station with him, but told him he wasn't under arrest. My mom walked in the house and started crying and asked my sister why she couldn't have just left them alone. My dad wasn't booked... He called my sister and apologized that she had to see that. She told him to save his breath, she knows he isn't sorry and he hung up on her. This makes my chest hurt and sick to my stomach. It hurts so bad... Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 ska, if it hurts that bad, it's your soul telling you to do something. Get your mom committed to a psychiatric facility. She is INCAPABLE of doing this herself. Call the cops. Call the Women's Shelter. Do SOMETHING! Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 ska, if it hurts that bad, it's your soul telling you to do something. Get your mom committed to a psychiatric facility. She is INCAPABLE of doing this herself. Call the cops. Call the Women's Shelter. Do SOMETHING! Jesus christ, turnera. Give it a ****ing rest, would you? You keep screaming at him to do something to help his mother, but he has said repeatedly that he has tried to help her and she won't accept it, so frankly your suggestions that he have her committed or to call the police or a women's shelter are illogical. You cannot commit someone to a psychiatric facility unless they are a threat to themselves or others (even then it's not so easy,) and as far as I'm aware, being the victim of domestic abuse does not qualify as a threat to oneself, much like a heroine addiction does not constitute the type of "threat to oneself" that is grounds to have a person involuntarily committed. Call the cops? Okay, well, what are they going to say when OP calls and says, "My father hits my mother." They'll probably say something like, "Call us back when you actually witness this crime happening." They can't just go over there and arrest him based on a phone call, you know. Maybe at best they'll say, "Okay, we'll go have a talk with him about it." Then Mom gets another couple of black eyes because the police made Dad angry and nothing is actually accomplished. It's kind of the same deal if OP were to call a women's shelter. What are they supposed to do with the information that his mother is the victim of abuse? Put on their superhero capes and go save this woman? I can appreciate your passion for speaking out against spousal abuse, but in doing that, you completely disregarded the feelings of another victim (the OP) and said some really ugly things to him. For example: I'm surprised his mom hasn't tried to kill herself yet; she obviously has no hope left. Or maybe she has, and you guys were too busy kissing up to your dad to notice. Anyway, OP, how are things going? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ska Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Jesus christ, turnera. Give it a ****ing rest, would you? You keep screaming at him to do something to help his mother, but he has said repeatedly that he has tried to help her and she won't accept it, so frankly your suggestions that he have her committed or to call the police or a women's shelter are illogical. You cannot commit someone to a psychiatric facility unless they are a threat to themselves or others (even then it's not so easy,) and as far as I'm aware, being the victim of domestic abuse does not qualify as a threat to oneself, much like a heroine addiction does not constitute the type of "threat to oneself" that is grounds to have a person involuntarily committed. Call the cops? Okay, well, what are they going to say when OP calls and says, "My father hits my mother." They'll probably say something like, "Call us back when you actually witness this crime happening." They can't just go over there and arrest him based on a phone call, you know. Maybe at best they'll say, "Okay, we'll go have a talk with him about it." Then Mom gets another couple of black eyes because the police made Dad angry and nothing is actually accomplished. It's kind of the same deal if OP were to call a women's shelter. What are they supposed to do with the information that his mother is the victim of abuse? Put on their superhero capes and go save this woman? I can appreciate your passion for speaking out against spousal abuse, but in doing that, you completely disregarded the feelings of another victim (the OP) and said some really ugly things to him. For example: Anyway, OP, how are things going? not good he beat her 3 days ago; when my sister called they knew the cop who gave him a slap on the wrist. My mom went and got ready and went down to pick him up. She refuses to see what he does to her. He's been doing it since they were in high school, and every person who's tried to help gets pushed out of her life (my aunt hasn't yet, and she's tried more than anyone else...) Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 CC, I don't say it for his mother. She's made her bed. I say it for HIM. ska is obviously hurting, this is eating at him, and the guilt alone is going to turn him into an angry, self-loathing, self-destructive person if he doesn't either remove himself entirely so he no longer sees it / hears about it going on, or finds a way to stop it. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 ska, how are the laws in your country/state about video/audio recordings ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Ska, I know this is very difficult to do, but considering what your parents have done to you and not being able to change the situation, your best option would be to walk away from it. Tell the rest of your relatives you don't want to hear about mom and dad anymore and are moving on...for your own sanity. You need to let them go, even if you do try and help your mom, you cannot help someone who refuses to help themselves or see reality. You already saw the consequences of helping the OW. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bluegreen Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 Radu this is just what I have done yesterday night thinking hide few cameras around put some audio around catch the bastard and once they nailed him no matter how she defends him its over for him. In mean time she might even get an ounce of her sanity back and run My heart breaks for this poor boy ... Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 At this point, i actually feel nothing for his mother [sorry OP ... long term enabler, been with him since HS ... didn't stick out for her kids], but this cowardly prick doesn't deserve to keep walking the streets. And the cop incident pissed me off, if this guy gets convicted and it is found that he knew and did not intervene, he will be in hot water. I actually hope he gets repremanded ... a guy can dream. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bluegreen Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 I know what do you mean and its somewhere between sick sad and disgusting what she allows him to do and she would sell her soul for one kind look of him to. But her children are suffering so badly and if he manages to hurt her once for all this poor Boy will never get over it it makes me wanna vomit just thinking about it as for that Cop his captain should have been called right away. We all are here because of something but none because of something so ugly Am praying for this boy he did nothing to deserve this what is our dear Lord thinking when allowing something like this to happen what could be possible point in this Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ska Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 My brother, not my sister, called me today to tell me about HIS experience with our parents over the weekend. I listened quietly until he was finished then said I was really sorry that he witnessed that, the same thing had happened to me on my 15th birthday. Then I asked him to never call me about stuff like that again. I'm walking away, I can't subject myself to it anymore she doesn't want help and he won't change. He understood and apologized that I'd had to deal with them for so long and thanked me for at least trying to help "his mom" I told him I had to because I really loved her. He said we should talk more and asked if I'd like to go to lunch with him soon. I told him that would be cool and to give me a call sometime. That was it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 Those bonds with people with whom you suffered are often the strongest. Enjoy the opportunities. Good for you for standing up for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 My brother, not my sister, called me today to tell me about HIS experience with our parents over the weekend. I listened quietly until he was finished then said I was really sorry that he witnessed that, the same thing had happened to me on my 15th birthday. Then I asked him to never call me about stuff like that again. I'm walking away, I can't subject myself to it anymore she doesn't want help and he won't change. He understood and apologized that I'd had to deal with them for so long and thanked me for at least trying to help "his mom" I told him I had to because I really loved her. He said we should talk more and asked if I'd like to go to lunch with him soon. I told him that would be cool and to give me a call sometime. That was it. Good for you, Ska. I know personally how hard this can be. You can tell your brother that although you don't want to hear about the situation with your sperm and egg donors (parents) you would love to see him more often. Surround yourself with other relatives and friends that are supportive of you to get through and move forward from this rough time. You can make a happier life for yourself even without your parents. Link to post Share on other sites
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