Dad got his affair partner pregnant Now what

[Ska]

If your dad got his mistress pregnant, then I would say you have every right to tell your mother especially if she doesn't know the truth about what your father has done but if your mother knows and she is putting up with this, then she should definitely leave your father because she is losing whatever self-respect she has left by continuing to stay in this marriage. But I am sure you want your parents together, what child doesn't want that?

 

But you have every right to hate your father's mistress but at the same time your father's mistress is pregnant with your half-sibling

 

And you shouldn't hate your half-sibling, you should love them and embrace them, it is not their fault that they will be born into this world, the blame lies squarely on your father's shoulders and his alone but his mistress also played a part too in that, so you should hate your father and his mistress but not your half-sibling

Go back and read the beginning, you'll understand my situation

[turnera]

It's hard to keep caring about a parent who is complicit in the other parent's idiot-bullsh*t.

Believe me, I get it. But you are not taking into account what abuse does to a woman and a mother. Please read about it before you blame her.

 

But Ska is HELPING his father, with this attitude. He is ENABLING his father, and the sheer audacity of ALL of them to agree to go to the party WITH his father, walking BEHIND him, while the father gloats and puffs out his chest and their mother cries, KNOWING that his own kids are HELPING him do this to his own wife and their mother...I'm sorry, but it makes me sick.

 

Ska, this is BEYOND dysfunctional. You guys remind of the true book A Child Named It - the whole FAMILY picks one member to be the scapegoat and they continue to heap abuse on that person. Guess who YOUR scapegoat is?

[dreamingoftigers]

But with that said though, do you hate your unborn sibling, the one your father's mistress is pregnant with?

 

Um, I don't have an unborn sibling (as of yet).

 

That's the OP.

[Ska]

Then there is something wrong with you. Shame on you.

 

Sorry I meant to say that out of the three kids (myself, my brother, and my sister) I'm the one of the least sympathy towards her. She's had chance after chance to leave. She's been punched, slapped, called every name in the book and other things, told that no other person will put up with her, kicked, cheated on a few times, strangled, spit on, and continues to stay.

 

There's only so much a guy can take, at least I think so.

Edited July 23, 2012 by Ska

[dreamingoftigers]

Believe me, I get it. But you are not taking into account what abuse does to a woman and a mother. Please read about it before you blame her.

 

My own relationship became abusive. I had to throw him out until he got help, he and I both went to domestic violence courses. It was one-sided (him to me) except for one incident where I caught him being VERY inappropriate. I spent 3 weeks last year trying to get me and my daughter into a shelter with no luck. He finally trashed our place, drunk. Including destroying many of my childhood things. Yeah, I get it.

 

I also get that she has a body of evidence that her husband's a jackass for 20+ years. Come on!

 

If my husband reverts to any of his garbage behaviors, there is a big ole door at the end of the stair-case. I am not scared of what happens after, I'vebern there too many times with him taking off. He knows that I will cut him out with no mercy. And I have no problem with that.

 

But Ska is HELPING his father, with this attitude. He is ENABLING his father, and the sheer audacity of ALL of them to agree to go to the party WITH his father, walking BEHIND him, while the father gloats and puffs out his chest and their mother cries, KNOWING that his own kids are HELPING him do this to his own wife and their mother...I'm sorry, but it makes me sick.

 

You are forgetting that Ska is a victim of abuse too. Plus he would probably take a lot of cues from his mother, who has simply permitted this and isn't standing up for her children. You are flipping the responsibility. He isn't her parent, she is his. Kids who try to save their parents in these situations really get the shaft because BOTH parents are often hooked on the dynamic.

 

Ska, this is BEYOND dysfunctional. You guys remind of the true book A Child Named It - the whole FAMILY picks one member to be the scapegoat and they continue to heap abuse on that person. Guess who YOUR scapegoat is?

 

The most he would be able to do here is let his mother know that he is backing her. He can't forcibly drag her to a shelter. He can tell the mistress, but he can't grab his mother, throw her in the back of a car and escape with her. There MIGHT be a social services entity he can talk to about intervening for her.

[turnera]

Sorry I meant to say that out of the three kids (myself, my brother, and my sister) I'm the one of the least sympathy towards her. She's had chance after chance to leave. She's been punched, slapped, called every name in the book and other things, told that no other person will put up with her, kicked, cheated on a few times, strangled, spit on, and continues to stay.

 

There's only so much a guy can take, at least I think so.

Are you talking about yourself? WTF?!

 

What about your mother?

 

I don't know how old you are, but I am VERY sad that you can't even take the time to research (you have the computer right in front of you) WHAT ABUSE DOES TO WOMEN.

 

You are on your way to repeating your dad's actions.

[turnera]

The most he would be able to do here is let his mother know that he is backing her. He can't forcibly drag her to a shelter. He can tell the mistress, but he can't grab his mother, throw her in the back of a car and escape with her. There MIGHT be a social services entity he can talk to about intervening for her.

Of course he can't drag her into a car (doesn't sound like he has any intention of helping his mother anyway, as he despises her for being 'weak'). But if he DID at least CARE about his mother, he would not stop trying to help her and talk to her and if nothing else, get some people to come visit HER and help her.

[turnera]

The most he would be able to do here is let his mother know that he is backing her. He can't forcibly drag her to a shelter. He can tell the mistress, but he can't grab his mother, throw her in the back of a car and escape with her. There MIGHT be a social services entity he can talk to about intervening for her.

The thing is, Ska IS here looking for help. If he is truly open to learning about how to help, he will listen. And not just give up on his mom like she's yesterday's garbage and care only about the new girl.

 

He says he's in therapy. Great. Tell your therapist about how screwed up your family is and ask your therapist how to get your mother help, so that you can see HER getting stronger and you can learn from HER.

[pink_sugar]

I honestly think you cannot help anyone unless they are also willing to help themselves. There are many women out there don't know anything else and will stick with their partner no matter what. It's sick, but it's the reality.

[MuscleCarFan]

I got a punch in the face and six kicks to the stomach. As soon as I could get up I ran away. I got away for three days until my mom's friend saw me walking down the street and called her and told her where I was.

 

One of the of the scariest experiences I've ever had was my dad pulling up to me slowly and telling me to get in. He bought me something to eat and took me home. That was really the end of my hope for her to leave.

 

Wow... just wow. You should have called the police on this douchebag and had his ass hauled off to jail!

 

You really need to help your mother get out of this unhealthy situation. It would be best for everybody.

[turnera]

I honestly think you cannot help anyone unless they are also willing to help themselves. There are many women out there don't know anything else and will stick with their partner no matter what. It's sick, but it's the reality.

Yes, but if it's YOUR MOTHER, you don't give up on her out of disgust. You educate yourself on how to help an abuse victim. You don't help your dad drag her to a party so she can sit BEHIND him and be SILENT while she watches him make out with a 20 year old.

 

I'm surprised his mom hasn't tried to kill herself yet; she obviously has no hope left. Or maybe she has, and you guys were too busy kissing up to your dad to notice.

[Ska]

These two people are the reason I'm IN therapy, trust me he knows all about this.

 

I just really thought people woul take my dad's side so I didn't call. I probably didn't want him to get fired either, I just never really thought about it. He was the only one in the house working (he still supports her) and I just figured it was best that way.

 

The problem I've always had is that she didn't try to stop him. Then when SHE found our where I was HE came to get me. Wouldn't you be hurt if that happened?

 

I didn't want to go to that party, my mom wanted me to, I wanted to say something she told me not to. Is she not responsible for sitting there? It was her idea to go in the first place.

[turnera]

The problem I've always had is that she didn't try to stop him.

That is why you need to educate yourself about what happens to abused women. They become INCAPABLE - physically, mentally incapable - of stopping their abuser.

 

Then when SHE found our where I was HE came to get me. Wouldn't you be hurt if that happened?

If I was your age, maybe. But hopefully I would then work to find out WHY. She has no power, Ska. None. She is completely, utterly dependent on him. She will never have a single day of happiness in her life if the other people in her life don't help her. It is too far gone for her to do it on her own. Please read about it.

 

I didn't want to go to that party, my mom wanted me to, I wanted to say something she told me not to. Is she not responsible for sitting there? It was her idea to go in the first place.

She is desperate for SOMETHING to change in her life, in your life, and she has been beaten down so low that she can do nothing else. Maybe she thought, hoped, that people seeing you all there, family in tow, would get OTHER people to stand up to him and stop him, since she can't and her kids won't.

 

I just feel sad that you are so indifferent to the one person hurting the most, and so willing to forgive - and even HELP - the man responsible for it.

[turnera]

btw, I'm not criticizing you. I understand how kids grow up being victims by watching it. OR grow up abusing. But you're here. And you're in therapy. Get the help you need to learn to NOT be ok with what this man is doing to your family.

[turnera]

btw, you know the next step in this circus, right?

 

Within the next 6 months, he will have moved your mom out of his bedroom and into the 'maid's' room, and he'll move his girlfriend into his bedroom. And you'll all get to help raise his new family.

 

Because no one is objecting. Each 'give in' that you guys make only makes him take bolder, more horrifying steps.

[freestyle]

That is why you need to educate yourself about what happens to abused women. They become INCAPABLE - physically, mentally incapable - of stopping their abuser.

 

If I was your age, maybe. But hopefully I would then work to find out WHY. She has no power, Ska. None. She is completely, utterly dependent on him. She will never have a single day of happiness in her life if the other people in her life don't help her. It is too far gone for her to do it on her own. Please read about it.

 

She is desperate for SOMETHING to change in her life, in your life, and she has been beaten down so low that she can do nothing else. Maybe she thought, hoped, that people seeing you all there, family in tow, would get OTHER people to stand up to him and stop him, since she can't and her kids won't.

 

I just feel sad that you are so indifferent to the one person hurting the most, and so willing to forgive - and even HELP - the man responsible for it.

 

 

Turnera's right about this.

 

Please consider reading up on Stockholm Syndrome in abusive marriages.

 

Your mother needs compassion, validation, and support---she's so far down the rabbit hole that she CAN'T see any light right now.

 

And I agree---the "girlfriend" should be informed about what she's investing her heart into. It's not fair to her at all, either.........

[Ska]

I'm not helping my dad, I want him to go down. That's why I'm telling this girl, who yes, I feel is more of the victim.

 

He's lied to her for two years, he's stolen years from her she could have spent with a single man. I feel bad, she's young and beautiful, and she's most likely been told that he's going to be the best dad ever and take of her. Know him I know he won't do it.

 

I do feel bad for my mom, because I'm sure she's bowing down to everything he says. She is most likely doing whatever he wants her to and waiting on him hand and foot. I've tried to step in she won't accept my help. why should I keep trying if she doesn't want me to?

 

That's why I'm trying to figure out ways to help the girl my dad had an affair with. I can still help her.

[Radu]

Be carefull you don't put this girl on a pedestal.

[Ska]

I never knew that the "honeymoon phase" had a name, that used to happen all the time. Not now though, now he doesn't have to buy her roses, and write her some stupid love poem, and take her shopping to make it up to her.

 

I read some story about a womans husband telling her she was fat and disgusting and reminded me of a particular incident that happened when I was little so I had to stop reading them. I'll try again tomorrow.

[turnera]

I never knew that the "honeymoon phase" had a name, that used to happen all the time. Not now though, now he doesn't have to buy her roses, and write her some stupid love poem, and take her shopping to make it up to her.

 

I read some story about a womans husband telling her she was fat and disgusting and reminded me of a particular incident that happened when I was little so I had to stop reading them. I'll try again tomorrow.

Ska, it's hard to become a young adult and start to realize how things really are around you. As children, we have different coping mechanisms; we don't understand a lot so we ignore. Growing up, it's hard to start to realize that there are a lot more things going on all around you that you just never realized.

 

Dealing with abuse is one of them. I hope you understand I don't blame you at all for your reactions; it's VERY typical of a child growing up in an abusive household. But I'm proud of you for now taking a look at what's really been going on.

 

If you like to read, there's an AMAZING book about abuse called Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft, that would shed a lot of light on your dad's actions AND your mom's actions. Why she became the way she did, how it's human nature, how he took advantage of her goodness and turned her into a shell of who she used to be, one little abuse at a time...until he is now SO full of himself, SO SURE that he has her under his thumb, that he will be so audacious as to parade his family around at a party with his mistress...he is THAT SURE of his control over you all that he never had a moment's doubt that any of you would act up at that party. It really is akin to a kidnapper parading his brainwashed victim out in public because he knows the victim will never cry out for help.

 

But you can change that. You can educate yourself. Maybe help your siblings see what was done to all of you. Maybe all of you talk to your therapist together about how to get out from under his thumb. And maybe, together, you can work together to get your mom away from him so she can, at least, have SOME part of her life that she can live free of his abuse.

 

I know you can do it.

Edited July 24, 2012 by turnera

[dreamingoftigers]

I never knew that the "honeymoon phase" had a name, that used to happen all the time. Not now though, now he doesn't have to buy her roses, and write her some stupid love poem, and take her shopping to make it up to her.

 

I read some story about a womans husband telling her she was fat and disgusting and reminded me of a particular incident that happened when I was little so I had to stop reading them. I'll try again tomorrow.

 

Yeah, the honeymoon phase stops after awhile and then it's just tensions followed by explosions.

 

Don't worry about your dad getting fired. My mom used to use excuses like that. "we'll end up starving on the street!"

 

It wasn't realistic. Seriously. She had two degrees and a diploma that she NEVER used. Becoming a doormat can happen to academically smart people.

You can understand it, but seriously, font walk around thinking you have to fix it or "save Mom" like other's somewhat suggest.

 

It is just about as unhealthy. And most likely she won't leave until after the abuse has stopped anyways. Seems to be part of the pattern.

[turnera]

I don't want him to think he has to fix his mom. I do want him to understand he has a responsibility to not ENABLE or ENDORSE his father's harm of him, his siblings, or his mother. With better knowledge, at least one of them could have stood up and tried to keep the family from going to that party.

[Ska]

Well that whole thing happened 7 years ago. I don't think like that anymore, and I no longer live with them.

 

Does anyone have any idea how to figure out who this girl is and how to get a hold of her? I only heard her first name when people would talk to them and how old she is. Other than that I don't know anything else.

 

Also is the sooner the better? Or should I wait?

[irin]

why do you feel sorry for the OW, you dont know her, and there arent many girls, having unprotected sex with men old enough to be their dad, she must be interested in his status, or wealth of he has any, like you said he isnt exactly attractive.

 

shes either really stupid to be having a kid with man that she doesnt know much about, or really excited about the child support.

 

go through his phone, follow him, to find her, be careful though.

[SpiralOut]

I am wondering if you're worried this other girl will turn out like your mother and that's why you want to help her so it never comes to that. And also so this child won't have to grow up the way you did.