Dad got his affair partner pregnant Now what

[Ska]

I am wondering if you're worried this other girl will turn out like your mother and that's why you want to help her so it never comes to that. And also so this child won't have to grow up the way you did.

This is it. Exactly.

[dreamingoftigers]

You can GPS his vehicle.

 

Runs around $300 I think.

 

And check his phone.

 

But seriously be very careful.

 

I'm not even sure I would actually recommend doing that. However, that is up to you.

[Ska]

Well , the sooner the better . How is your mom now ?

 

As far as I know she's playing the "do everything and anything I tell you to and I'll stay with you" game that my dad likes to do when she's worried he'll leave her. Before anyone jumps on me, I tried to talk to her. She told me she doesn't care. She will always take him back, and he is her world... She'll never ever leave her man's side.

Edited July 26, 2012 by Ska

[Ska]

Near as I can tell you are about 22 and not living at home? Seems to me you need to get on with your life and get away from dysfunctionality.

 

You are correct, I turned 22 three weeks ago.

I know I should, I'm getting to the point where I think maybe I should cut my ties from all of them...

[runningfar]

I would tell the girlfriend.

 

Then I would tell your mom you cannot be in her life until she seeks help...

 

Then cut them out and seek therapy.

 

 

Dysfunctional upbringings suck:( I know

[irin]

tell your mum about this forum, maybe we can put some sense into her, theres was a woman recently, who had stayed with her husband after he had a love-child, and was blaming her unhappiness on the child rather then the cheating after three threads, it seems she found some peace and understand of what has happened to her.

[Ska]

I apologize for not disclosing my age and living situation... I didn't realize the importance. I'm not trying to pull the wool over anyone's eyes here. :/ I just want to help this new child...

[goodthingscome]

I honestly think you cannot help anyone unless they are also willing to help themselves. There are many women out there don't know anything else and will stick with their partner no matter what. It's sick, but it's the reality.

 

 

Pink Sugar, you hit the nail on the head. I know when I was in an abusive relationship no one could make me see it. It was only when "I" decided that it was wrong that things changed.

[D87]

I don't really frequent these particular sub-forums much, but can this thread actually be real...?

 

Threads like this make me fear for the future of the human race. I'm pretty sure this is a troll job though, at least I hope.

[Ska]

Threads like this make me fear for the future of the human race. I'm pretty sure this is a troll job though, at least I hope.

 

Sorry, wish it was for my mother's sake, but it's not. You don't have to respond you know.

[NoMagicBullet]

I apologize for not disclosing my age and living situation... I didn't realize the importance. I'm not trying to pull the wool over anyone's eyes here. :/ I just want to help this new child...

 

People, Ska's not asking for advice how to help himself, he explained he's doing that. He also explained that he's tried to help his mom, and she won't be helped. The only person he might be able to help now is this young pregnant woman who doesn't know what she's gotten into -- that's what this thread is about.

 

On that, Ska, do you know where you went to that party? Could the people there know who the girl is and where she lives? That might be one way of finding her. Otherwise, I think dreamingoftigers's suggestions are your alternatives. I do hope you can find her and warn her about what she's getting into. She's only seen the charming side of your manipulative and abusive dad so far, but you already know that will change in time. She probably doesn't even know he's married. (You mentioned he hid his ring in the truck, and if he's been careful, he's hidden any other signs.)

 

If you do find her, don't just start in about how awful your dad is -- she's in love and won't want to hear about his flaws. Instead, focus on the things he's done to your mom, your siblings, and you over the years. Tell her the things he's done, the things he still does, and tell her he'll do the same to her. Because if she stays with him, we all know he will.

[Ska]

People, Ska's not asking for advice how to help himself, he explained he's doing that. He also explained that he's tried to help his mom, and she won't be helped. The only person he might be able to help now is this young pregnant woman who doesn't know what she's gotten into -- that's what this thread is about.

 

On that, Ska, do you know where you went to that party? Could the people there know who the girl is and where she lives? That might be one way of finding her. Otherwise, I think dreamingoftigers's suggestions are your alternatives. I do hope you can find her and warn her about what she's getting into. She's only seen the charming side of your manipulative and abusive dad so far, but you already know that will change in time. She probably doesn't even know he's married. (You mentioned he hid his ring in the truck, and if he's been careful, he's hidden any other signs.)

 

If you do find her, don't just start in about how awful your dad is -- she's in love and won't want to hear about his flaws. Instead, focus on the things he's done to your mom, your siblings, and you over the years. Tell her the things he's done, the things he still does, and tell her he'll do the same to her. Because if she stays with him, we all know he will.

 

Thanks. Yes I know where the house is, it's pretty well known for the parties they throw. I've been there before too, so I'm familiar with it. I guess I could go ask someone.

 

Yea I was planning on telling her he was married with kids and no the guy he pretends to be. I'm sure he's hid a lot from her, judging where he hid his ring he's very very careful

[Floored]

Okay, trudging through a few days late, but here's what I've gathered:

Your father is a grossly manipulative man. He has affairs outside his marriage, and he is brazen enough to do it knowing that his family also knows. Even his stance on condoms is an issue of complete dominance- it's gone past the point of "but it feels better" into "I will completely control this girl's life, body and future with my manhood". He will openly beat his children- on their birthday- when they're a minor. Assuming that Ska and the people described are real people and incidents, that father is a dangerous man. You need to better coordinate how you're going to tell this girl that she's being played, because if you tell her and then SHE confronts him, she will be in the way of physical danger; he beat his own child, why would he treat what he views as his plaything any differently? I feel like you should tell her and she should not be seeing him afterward. Even though she seems happy with the smiley guy, and maybe he hasn't slapped a housefly in her presence, he has been emotionally abusing her thus far by omitting his entire secret life, that facade falling apart to his face will illicit a physical response.

 

There has to be a battered women's shelter nearby (some can be hard to find for obvious reasons) and a simple googling might not bring up all the resources possible; you might have to get creative by seeking out literature and direction from a planned parenthood or local emergency room- these will have resources available. These would be things to present to her after telling her, as well as the fact that he is dangerous and not the gentle man she imagines him to be.

 

You're charging into this with the "I'm going to be a hero for exposing this man"- drop that noise and get smart. Exposing this to her will trigger a lot of responses, and you should be prepared for them. What will your father do to the girl if he finds her? What about your mother? Your siblings and you? He beat you as a child, what's stopping him from doing the same or worse when you ruin his sick reality?

[brahmabull117]

God, threads like this make me happy that I'm into working out and sports. I would kick my dad's ass with no mercy if he ever acted like this. Seriously, this is how every story of a man killing his wife/family starts.

 

 

 

Terrible terrible story, I hope the OP will find some sort of a solution and can get his mom away from his dad

 

 

 

My best wishes are with you OP and also the other victims of ******* abusive men

Edited July 27, 2012 by brahmabull117

[turnera]

He won't. He's already made it clear he's washing his hands of his mom, he's written her off. He's trying to 'save' the NEW wife in a misguided attempt to rewrite his own life.

 

Very sad.

[SpiralOut]

If you tell her, be prepared for the chance she may not believe you. After she confronts your dad about it, he'll probably make up some elaborate lie she might fall for. It's crazy what some women are willing to deny in order to just have what they want.

[Ska]

I found out who she is, I went to her house and happened to get there when she did. I told her who I was, of course he has no kids. I told her he has three, and was married. He has told her he's never been married, I told he has been for 30 years.

 

She invited me in, her house Was spotless and there were pictures everywhere. Most of them were her and my dad together, he looked happy he was smiling and laughing. It broke my heart that he was so happy with someone else. I showed her pictures of our family, Christmas cards, vacation pictures, pictures of him kissing my mom, and the announcements that were sent out for my sister's wedding. I made sure you could see his ring in all of them.

 

She looked sick flipping through them all, but she didn't shed a tear. It was almost like she was numb. I didn't go into detail, but I told her he's not a very nice man and I want to help her in anyway I can.

She thanked me and I left.

 

On my mom, we spoke about leaving again. She told me to get out of her house.

 

I ran into my aunt the next day, and I asked her about my mom and dad. She told me she's always known he beats her, it started when they were dating. She walked into my mom's bedroom when they were in high school and my mom had welts on her back. From him. She's tried to help my mom since then but never can make her see that he's not a good person.

 

She said she's surprised he hasn't killed her yet... I feel like such a horrible son.

[pink_sugar]

You did the right thing by telling her who you were and showing her photos and telling her you'd be there for her. Now it's up to her to decide what to do. Don't feel horrible. This has been going on between your parents before you were born and it's not your fault at all. Parents are supposed to protect their kids, not the other way round. You can help her now, but you should be feel horrible about not being able to do anything as a child.

[MuscleCarFan]

I found out who she is, I went to her house and happened to get there when she did. I told her who I was, of course he has no kids. I told her he has three, and was married. He has told her he's never been married, I told he has been for 30 years.

 

She invited me in, her house Was spotless and there were pictures everywhere. Most of them were her and my dad together, he looked happy he was smiling and laughing. It broke my heart that he was so happy with someone else. I showed her pictures of our family, Christmas cards, vacation pictures, pictures of him kissing my mom, and the announcements that were sent out for my sister's wedding. I made sure you could see his ring in all of them.

 

She looked sick flipping through them all, but she didn't shed a tear. It was almost like she was numb. I didn't go into detail, but I told her he's not a very nice man and I want to help her in anyway I can.

She thanked me and I left.

 

On my mom, we spoke about leaving again. She told me to get out of her house.

 

I ran into my aunt the next day, and I asked her about my mom and dad. She told me she's always known he beats her, it started when they were dating. She walked into my mom's bedroom when they were in high school and my mom had welts on her back. From him. She's tried to help my mom since then but never can make her see that he's not a good person.

 

She said she's surprised he hasn't killed her yet... I feel like such a horrible son.

 

I am glad you told your Dad's affair partner. I hope she drops him like a sack of bricks.

 

You should help your Mom by getting her into a women's shelter where they can help her and protect her from a douchebag like your father.

[eeyore1981]

I found out who she is, I went to her house and happened to get there when she did. I told her who I was, of course he has no kids. I told her he has three, and was married. He has told her he's never been married, I told he has been for 30 years.

 

She invited me in, her house Was spotless and there were pictures everywhere. Most of them were her and my dad together, he looked happy he was smiling and laughing. It broke my heart that he was so happy with someone else. I showed her pictures of our family, Christmas cards, vacation pictures, pictures of him kissing my mom, and the announcements that were sent out for my sister's wedding. I made sure you could see his ring in all of them.

 

She looked sick flipping through them all, but she didn't shed a tear. It was almost like she was numb. I didn't go into detail, but I told her he's not a very nice man and I want to help her in anyway I can.

She thanked me and I left.

 

On my mom, we spoke about leaving again. She told me to get out of her house.

 

I ran into my aunt the next day, and I asked her about my mom and dad. She told me she's always known he beats her, it started when they were dating. She walked into my mom's bedroom when they were in high school and my mom had welts on her back. From him. She's tried to help my mom since then but never can make her see that he's not a good person.

 

She said she's surprised he hasn't killed her yet... I feel like such a horrible son.

 

I just stumbled across this thread and I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

 

I understand, I really, really do. You aren't a horrible son, you just can't help someone who refuses to help herself. It's not your fault.

 

My father wasn't as bad as yours, but he was still bad. No matter what he did to my mom, my brothers, or to me, my mother stood by him. I tried to get my mom to leave him, kick him out, say okay to all the times he threatened to leave, but she would have none of it. You can't help someone who won't help herself, no matter how much you want to and no matter how hard you try.

 

I eventually had to get out of it to save myself, and at some point, if you have any sense, you will, too. You can't fix your mother, she was an adult making these choices before you were even born. You are also probably going to realize over time just how much damage you carry from this mess.

 

Love your mother, accept no matter how it looks to you she wouldn't be where she is doing what she's doing if she wasn't getting something out of it, and take care of yourself. Take it from someone who's been there and fought the good fight for many, many years, that's all you're ever going to be able to do.

[dreamingoftigers]

There's a narcissistic parents thread running if you want to join.

 

Seems like a lot of us on LS can at least somewhat understand.

I'm glad you told her.

[eeyore1981]

Oh, the most important thing I forgot in my post. If the fallout from you telling this girl about your father is your father getting violent with you or your mother, call the police. If your father hits your mother they will take him to jail whether she presses charges or not.

[Ska]

The hardest thing was her looking through the pictures... There was one of my 15th birthday. My dad and I are standing by the cake my mom made that started our fight. The only reason I let her see it is because his ring shows up well in it.

[turnera]

You did well, ska. And you're not responsible for your parents' relationship.

 

That said, you can still try to help your mom, even if she doesn't want it. Point out every instance of abuse; make your dad's life uncomfortable as hell (while not putting your mom in danger); tell everyone what he's been doing to her. It may embarrass her, but it also may save her life: as he ages, and loses what makes him happy (ability to cheat, etc.), he will ramp up the pain he inflicts on her. Ask others to help you watch for signs of abuse and report any and every instance, so he starts getting police at the door every other week. Eventually, something will change, whether it's from her, others who step in, or your dad scuttling away to find some other life.

[Ska]

The thing about that is she's always been VERY good at making up another cause

 

That black eye? No he didn't hit her. The boys were rough housing, they got carried away when she tried to break us up and my brother hit her.

 

That fat lip? He didn't punch her, she slipped in the shower.

 

The reason she was limping? It wasn't because he kicked her leg out from under her when she was trying to get away. No, I left out my skateboard and she tripped over it.

 

The chunk out of her hair? It wasn't because he drug her up the stairs to "talk" she went to that new girl and she cut it out, that was the last time she ever went there again.

 

The reason she was crying? My sister told her she hated her. Not my dad telling her how fat she was. (never was fat, she probably weighed 106 at the time) that also isn't why she started working out, dieting, or at one point starving herself.

 

The reason I ran away? Not because of my birthday, I was just mad because I got grounded for lying.

 

I remember driving down the road at maybe 6/7 years old and them trying to come up with a story. She offered her suggestion and he liked it, finally she was using her brain. Then he pulled her close and they started to kiss, he told her he loved her and she laid her head on him letting out a content little sigh. She loved him too, he was so perfect, she wished she deserved him.

 

If we told she'd tell dad we did, ground us, take us off the football team,take my sister's car away, or take the dog to the pound. If we kept quiet we could have that new bike. We could go see a movie, she would give us some money. (none of this motivated us by the way, before I get accused of it. The scare tactics did that)