trippi1432 Posted October 8, 2012 Share Posted October 8, 2012 Btw nice to see u again tojaz sorry about what that guy said! That was not your fault Allie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted October 8, 2012 Author Share Posted October 8, 2012 No he wasnt being a jerk he just didnt give me a response i wanted. Im not even sure he was awake when i asked him to cuddle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted October 8, 2012 Author Share Posted October 8, 2012 Oh yeah he hasnt been sleeping in bed with me. Its been hurting his back more then the couch. He hadnt iniated sex which is ok too but he is talking a lot more to me. And to dd Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted October 8, 2012 Share Posted October 8, 2012 I think that I would put into perspective all the events that went on here tonight that were too much and not put those events on current events in your own situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 Ok so maybe this is my fault but now im so confussed with hubby! Last week he was giving kisses and hugs and yes there was sex but hugs and kisses were coming at different times. Now the conversation is getting better and better and no hugs or kisses! :-( im confussed was it to much to soon and he backed off or am I just a twit? I dont think hes out of love with me since we are getting a bed and hell be sharing it but im just not sure why the change Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 Im impatient i know Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Well, think about it a little here....you guys had not had sex for four months, so yes, there was a lot to make up for. If he has really "backed off", there probably wouldn't be any conversation. But since there is conversation and that is good....perhaps you shouldn't over analyze the situation. Remember, Rome was not built in a day.....things come together better when you aren't trying to force it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted October 10, 2012 Author Share Posted October 10, 2012 Ty Trip Im trying hard to not force anything. His hugs last week and kisses felt so sincere and like i said it was not at same time as sex, so i didnt relate them. Conversation has been great and we went out last night looking for beds and he went grocery shopping with me and all in all things are returning to normal except he isnt as loving with me. I hope its just him being guarded with me not the new him. And ofcourse still waiting to see him sport his ring and hear i love you, like yas suggested those will be my true signs Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 I have no idea why you even put your sig line anymore... Why wouldn't I? Btw nice to see u again tojaz sorry about what that guy said! Daves rant had nothing to do with you and you have nothing to apologize for. I never left Allie, just didn't really have anything you wanted to hear at the moment. I still read your thread and keep tabs on whats happening. Regarding your current situation, I'm going to remind you words vs. actions works both ways. He pulls away when things get too close because even though your words say "save the marriage" your actions have told him that you are fine with the current arrangement. Its the reason I was not a fan of this. It has set a tone where you both have agreed to fulfill each others needs without any commitment for the future, or any structure for building towards something and acknowledging that the situation can be extended or retracted at will. Thats fine for those needs in the bedroom between two consenting adults, that happens hundreds of times a day, but as it was bound to, it lead to each of your emotional needs as well and that quickly becomes a slippery slope when things start to cool for one party as they have now. Just be careful Allie. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 Why wouldn't I? It was a joke, because when people can clearly see it in the sig line and your username, they still can't spell it right. I can say it was the first time anyone called me a drug addict over the name Trippi though. LOL!! TOJAZ Allie - What if the new him is someone who is still the same man you knew but one with better boundaries? Meaning his love for you is still there, he may still want the family unit, his wife...the whole thing....but he has a healthy boundary for getting hurt? Wouldn't that be respectable? Everyone has boundaries, or should. I don't mean demands, there's a difference. I'm sure when you and your husband started dating, with you being a single mom, you had healthy boundaries about how your daughter was treated in the relationship. You had to have them to protect her and they were right to have. If your husband abused her or hurt her, your boundary of trust would be broken and he would be out on his ear. What your husband, in my opinion, exerted was a strong boundary about threatening divorce and the lying. He was within his right to do that. He still will need to see you grow from that in respecting that boundary as much as he is learning to grow in having healthy boundaries too. You should have them as well, but they cannot be demands. Demands are like forcing, it's like saying if you are not affectionate with me, I will be hurt. That's not a boundary, that's an impulsive feeling created out of fear. A healthier boundary is if you want affection, give it. If it's treated poorly or abused or even raged against, then you can say that it's intolerable and remove yourself from the situation. Not using anger or fear but with firm confidence that you deserve to be treated better. If it's returned, appreciate it. Enforce it with loving statements. We cannot create healthy boundaries in fear, that is what leads to impatience and impulsiveness. Your husband sounds like he has a hard-lined boundary on lying, it's about honor, and I believe you stated that he was a Marine. It's a code of ethics, one you have well learned now and respect. What healthy boundaries do you have about how you are treated, or how you maintain your self-respect (say with the gossip queens) in the future? What other boundaries do you think your husband has? You've learned a lot Allie, and grown a lot, but time to put it all into perspective so that it helps you continue to grow and can help to create an even better marriage. Healthy boundaries do not impede a strong emotional connection, it makes those connections more concrete because the emotional connection is created out of mutual respect for each other as well as self-respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted October 10, 2012 Author Share Posted October 10, 2012 @ tojaz well im glad your still here! :-)! I think the sex thing is over i dont think my husband felt right about it and he seems like he would rather strengthen the other parts of the marriage that need it first. Thats ok because i now know i can do w/o for 4 mths....lol! I do think hubby knows he cant stay here if hes not going to work on marriage. Sure took a huge fight but i wasnt going to give on that. @ trip boundries are good and i suppose when your as hurt as he is/was its to be expected. I definately have boundries myself to know and i think it is good. And i'll try to keep that in mind more with him. @sap its been 4 long mths and it stinks but to be honest if he had forgiven me in a week or two i dont feel like i would of been as remorseful or as dedicated to changing and growing. Honestly i cant say i blame him for taking so long. If this is his deal breaker and honesty is extremely important to him, as it should be, then he absolutely should stand his ground. Now with saying that i definately feel he could of handled this a lot better than he did and would of liked to get passed this sooner but its not for me to say how long is long enough for him to hurt. My choice is either hang in and use the time to better myself or to bolt. I choose the first. His relationship with dd is really coming around. Hes making a point to interact with her and involve himself in her life again and even parent again. Nobody hides anymore, or walks on egg shells. Thats so refreshing 2 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 Allie - is this still ongoing? I know that you lied but really, do you think the punishment is fitting the crime here? You didn't cheat or break your vow. You lied b/c you were confused and scared. I hope your husband is as perfect as he expects you to be. Actually, no I don't. That would be impossible to live with. I do hope it works out, but geeze louise. Forgiveness is a virtue too. Tell him to post here so we can remind him of that. I think that sometimes people forget what hard work a marriage really is to be honest. People do have varying degrees of boundaries....vows....Love, HONOR and cherish...some people do get hung up on "forsaking all others" but do you notice how the first 3 come before the last...typically by the time someone gets to the issue of forsaking all others, they were never doing the first 3 to begin with. However, perhaps hubby takes the vows seriously? Is that a bad virtue? Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 vows....Love, HONOR and cherish...some people do get hung up on "forsaking all others" but do you notice how the first 3 come before the last...typically by the time someone gets to the issue of forsaking all others, they were never doing the first 3 to begin with. Trippi, You are a trip! :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: Yas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 Trippi, You are a trip! :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: Yas Guilty...was cleaning out the garage and came across some of the exH's stash...bong pipes and all. Going to have a yard sale this weekend. Hoping I don't get arrested. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 @ tojaz well im glad your still here! :-)! I think the sex thing is over i dont think my husband felt right about it and he seems like he would rather strengthen the other parts of the marriage that need it first. Thats ok because i now know i can do w/o for 4 mths....lol! I do think hubby knows he cant stay here if hes not going to work on marriage. Sure took a huge fight but i wasnt going to give on that. has he said that, or is that just your interpretation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted October 11, 2012 Author Share Posted October 11, 2012 A little of both Tojaz. What he said was "sex is great and sure its a plus BUT it isnt the problem and we need to work on our problems before anything else" Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 Allie - Did he elaborate more on that "work on OUR problems before anything else"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted October 11, 2012 Author Share Posted October 11, 2012 he said that our problem is trust and communication. Because i didnt trust him enough to come talk to him and because i lied hes having a hard time trusting me. Which i agree but its not like it was always this way it wasnt at all. I honestly dont know whether to be mad or glad. Somedays it feels like it will never get back to where it felt good Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 Well, he has a point there, but in what context did he say that Allie? Was he accusing in this is what he has seen from you repeatedly or just this one incident? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted October 12, 2012 Author Share Posted October 12, 2012 Well, he has a point there, but in what context did he say that Allie? Was he accusing in this is what he has seen from you repeatedly or just this one incident? He wasnt accusing we were just talking one night. And i asked how he was doing and he said hes doing better since we started talking and spending time together and he asked how i was and i said im better to since weve been talking and spending time together. Then he said that about us working on our problems. So far so good though. He brought us home ice cream last night. I really missed that simply stuff. Im a little nervous though because i sent him a text two hours ago and he didnt respond. Not like him. Even when hes been mad hes texted back. I guess it wasnt like i asked him a question though just let him know something. But see this type of thing worries me right now like im wondering did i do something to upset him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted October 12, 2012 Author Share Posted October 12, 2012 Well hes not mad he said he was busy when i texted and he couldnt text back. When he came home he apoligized before i ever said a word about it. Thats all fine but it wasnt like he was at work and im his wife grrrrr whats more important than me?? Im getting restless here! I think he should be wearing his ring and im wondering how long i can keep my opinion to myself about it? Hes married sure we are having issues but hes still married, im really starting to feel likes its disrespectful he doesnt wear it now. Am i being petty? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted October 12, 2012 Author Share Posted October 12, 2012 Well, he has a point there, but in what context did he say that Allie? Was he accusing in this is what he has seen from you repeatedly or just this one incident? No he didnt say anything about it repeatedly he did just refer to the one time, but i feel like that is all that matters anymore is the lies, kinda like all the good is forgotten Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 I was going to suggest that as well, put yours on...stand for the marriage and what it means to you. I wore mine even in the worst of times..engagement ring and all. These days, my exH has to go pick the rings and all up out of the yard when his new wife gets mad at him. Allie - If the good were forgotten, would he still be there? Would he be saying these things about working on the marriage? Do you think he is just using you? What are your instincts telling you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted October 12, 2012 Author Share Posted October 12, 2012 I was going to suggest that as well, put yours on...stand for the marriage and what it means to you. I wore mine even in the worst of times..engagement ring and all. These days, my exH has to go pick the rings and all up out of the yard when his new wife gets mad at him. Allie - If the good were forgotten, would he still be there? Would he be saying these things about working on the marriage? Do you think he is just using you? What are your instincts telling you? I do wear my rings and pretty much have since he gave them back a month ago. It just hurts he still doesnt. I honestly dont know what hes doing. I dont think hes using me, hes really not that type of person. Tonight I think we are buying a mattress so if he still wont sleep in the bed with me then that might suggest something. My gut tells me he still loves me and is just being really guarded but my fear is hes changed too. I got to admit if hes changed to the point hes to busy to return my texts and still wont wear ring i will be done. I know what i deserve and im not settling Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 (edited) I do wear my rings and pretty much have since he gave them back a month ago. It just hurts he still doesnt. I honestly dont know what hes doing. I dont think hes using me, hes really not that type of person. Tonight I think we are buying a mattress so if he still wont sleep in the bed with me then that might suggest something. My gut tells me he still loves me and is just being really guarded but my fear is hes changed too. I got to admit if hes changed to the point hes to busy to return my texts and still wont wear ring i will be done. I know what i deserve and im not settling Allie, I think your looking for too much at this point. Him putting his ring back on is like him taking out a billboard saying all is better, thats not going to happen in the blink of an eye or because you picked out mattress. Sets your sights lower and give him the chance to show that hes making an honest attempt, maybe pick one of the books that have been suggested on this sight and grab 2 copies and ask him if he will read it with you. Not only would it show you hes trying, but it may spark some more sustained conversation on the real core of the situation. If you want some suggestions, let me know and i will PM you some links. Also, the lie is a small piece of a bigger situation, you can't keep focusing on that as the root of all that you are going through, I assure you it is not. It is just something that is easy for him to refer to and something you cannot deny. Lies aren't good in a relationship, but yours is not the kind that would end one, especially since he hasn't yet been able to formulate a reason why it should. Keep your eyes on the big picture. TOJAZ Edited October 12, 2012 by tojaz Link to post Share on other sites
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