Mental block orgasm!

[Professor X]

Ill try and translate what he's doing to plain English:

 

He is spending a lot of time with you but not because he likes you in a romantic way, but because he actually enjoys it, but, as friends. Nothing more. And you cannot, and never were able to make it anything more than it is. So while actions speaks louder than words, his actions are not of love or romance, but just of friends, and as such, his care for your well being is limited.

 

He does not want a GF, yet stays close to you cause he wants to keep his options open, just in case a girl he will want to commit to will come along.

 

For now, you are there to satisfy him but it will be over once he meets the right woman for him - which, I'm afraid, is not you, or, once he gets bored of it.

 

It's kinda funny and sad how you text him that you want him to leave you along and he replies with "We'll watch a movie later" - like, he already knows he can do whatever he wants with you and you'll be there, to do his bidding's.

 

It's nice and dandy that you don't want us to tell you to leave him, but he is a big part of your problems, and not your solutions as you might be thinking.

 

Bottom line is, he thinks about himself and he's getting everything he wants, while you are left there to satisfy him. If you are fine with the roles as they are, than carry on, but you must accept that that's how your life is and no matter how much ranting / crying you do, it won't change until YOU make a move. Not he, nor I nor anyone else but you can make your life better.

 

But know one thing, he won't change, there's no reason for it to change (from his PoV - as he's getting what he wants whenever he wants).

 

P.S. I hope you know there are other guys out there, better than he is, that will treat you they want you want to be treated. That when you tell them you love them, they will tell "I love you too".

[HellyaImhopeless]

P.S. I hope you know there are other guys out there, better than he is, that will treat you they want you want to be treated. That when you tell them you love them, they will tell "I love you too".

 

Are there really? They all seem to want to use me for sex.

 

I slept with this guy (my FWB 6 days after he got my number) all though I knew him for a few years but never really spoken to him. It wasnt suppose to happen like that. My FWB actually told me he doesn't think I really love him, he thinks I just love his di*k. I kinda have myself to blame huh? If I just hadn't given in so soon, we might have been together? ...... what if's....

 

I can't let go of the regret of sleeping with him so soon. It crushed me when he once said when he'd had a few in him that he would never date a girl that gave it up SO soon, because then she would give it up to anyone. But thats not true, cause I chose to stay a virgin till I was 20, so when he said that, I realised what a big mistake I had done, and I regret it so bad because I wanted him before we even kissed first time.

 

It happened in his car, in the heat of a moment, he suddenly pulled a condom out, and I was thinking "WHAT THE HELL", but I just made love with him anyway, I was scared he would lose interest if I didn't. (This turns out to be the biggest mistake of my life, because ironically, he lost all interest in ever becoming serious with me cos I fu*ked him the first week of hanging out with him). I feel like commiting suicide because of that.

 

With my ex, I was so scared of true intimacy that I pushed him away and ruined a good thing, something I regret. and I have grown up a lot since that time 8 years ago. If he came too close, I would play silent games with him for hours, and the more he tried talking to me, the more I pushed him away. I played that game with him for over a year, no wonder he had enough. When he then stopped giving me attention, I would bite him (my mum used to bite me).

 

I don't know, there's something seriously f*c*ed up with me.

Edited May 5, 2012 by HellyaImhopeless
.......

[HellyaImhopeless]

I jokingly said to him today that I don't think he would feel comfortable if I was to start telling him I love him during sex, and he says he doesn't mind that at all. That's a bit weird for a FWB to say isn't it, since he knows I won't just be caught up in the moment, but that I will sincerely mean it from my heart.

 

It seems most men would run for the hills, or cut the girl out, but he doesn't mind????

 

Strange, or not? Would be great to hear from a male point of view!

[2sunny]

Since you told him to stay out of your life - you need to have actions that match your words.

 

Don't see him or communicate. Act like he doesn't exist.

 

Stop sleeping with men.

 

Learn new ways. No sex. At least for you - for a while.

 

Honor yourself. Respect yourself.

 

Find what YOU love about yourself! Get busy living! Do creative things! Have fun on your own!

 

Get so busy that you no longer even think about him. Go back for more choosing! Grow your future - your career! Do good things for YOU!

[HellyaImhopeless]

Since you told him to stay out of your life - you need to have actions that match your words.

 

You're right. I said it because I was hurt/angry. I don't actually want to lose him completely. I should just learn to shut up sometimes.

[2sunny]

You're right. I said it because I was hurt/angry. I don't actually want to lose him completely. I should just learn to shut up sometimes.

 

Or DO what you SAY.

 

You can't cum because you don't trust him!

 

It is mental - its a self protecting move.

 

And there's NO reason to continue when you don't trust!

[HellyaImhopeless]

Or DO what you SAY.

 

You can't cum because you don't trust him!

 

It is mental - its a self protecting move.

 

And there's NO reason to continue when you don't trust!

If I do decide to cum, then I also know I will tell him face to face I love him. See my post at 2:32 PM today.. he said he doesn't mind at all me telling him I love him. It's so strange. Maybe it's a turn-on for him hearing I love him since the love of his life cheated on him and left him. Maybe he likes feeling loved or something weird.

[2sunny]

If I do decide to cum, then I also know I will tell him face to face I love him. See my post at 2:32 PM today.. he said he doesn't mind at all me telling him I love him. It's so strange. Maybe it's a turn-on for him hearing I love him since the love of his life cheated on him and left him. Maybe he likes feeling loved or something weird.

 

Yep... You give all the live and he takes it from you.

 

There's no balance in that. It's why it feels lopsided... So stop it. Stop giving him ANY time or attention.

 

He's made his intent known... He's willing to use you but not have "feelings" - you may as well be spending time with a vibrator... And watching a movie with a vibrator.

 

He's not in it for an emotional connection. He's not in it to express emotions. He's just offering emptiness - and that sucks!

 

Better to BE on your own than to BE with someone else while still FEELING that you you are alone.

[HellyaImhopeless]

But why doesn't he mind it if I tell him I love him during lovemaking? I thought most guys would run for the hills once the other FWB started developing feelings?

 

I know that if I was to sleep with someone that I had no feelings for, and they started to say they love me during it, yes it would have me running for the hills..

 

I just think its weird that he doesn't mind. I know if he has enough beer in him, he'll say it back lol

[Professor X]

I just think its weird that he doesn't mind. I know if he has enough beer in him, he'll say it back lol

hehehehehehe, no. You said it jokingly, but in truth, if he'd say it, even drunk, you'd be so happy - even if it's empty words. Sad, isn't it? That you cling to such things in life.

 

And as for your questions - no, I don't think most men would mind if you'd say ILY during sex, especially when they know it won't matter one bit for them. He already knows he has all the power, so from his POV (I know from personal experience), it really doesn't matter 1 bit. The truth is, he could tell you to f*ck off, have a dog penetrate you or call all your friends and family and tell them how he f*cks you like a slut. And still, you'll be his. (sorry for the very extreme examples)

 

Are there really? They all seem to want to use me for sex.

Yes, there are, plenty out there. I will admit that there are a lot of guys out there who just want sex but you need to understand that there's equally as many guys who don't want to use you, who would want a loving RS with you.

 

P.S. Don't dwell on "what if" stuff - those NEVER end. And also, if you think he doesn't respect you cause you slept with him so soon, I can tell tell that he doesn't respect you now because you're a puppet in his hands.

[spiderowl]

Seems to me it's all about what he feels and wants and not about what matters to you. You are choosing to keep it on his terms rather than lose him. He has all the power. It's not surprising that something in you is rebelling. It doesn't matter that he can't understand why you can't orgasm with him. Maybe deep down you are saying that he can't have everything intimate about you - and I really don't blame you. Instead of agonising about it, why can't you congratulate yourself for refusing to play his game?

 

Things won't change unless you do something to make them. He may well be attached to you and in a relationship with you. He is withholding though because he won't let you have the satisfaction of knowing that. He claims it's because he's been hurt. Rubbish! Being hurt before didn't stop him having sex with you, did it?

 

Can this situation be changed? Maybe. I don't think it will happen if you continue to go along with his version of this game. I don't think he's going to magically decide he does love you really and want commitment. He's not going to say anything as long as he has it all anyway. Keep you orgasm to yourself, keep the sex to yourself! Let him have a friends-only relationship because he can't commit to you. Make it clear you are looking elsewhere for a proper relationship. He's just playing with your head and feelings and it's not fair on you.

[spiderowl]

He said he has doubts about me wanting his heart since I slept with him too soon, it didn't make him feel special, and that's a mistake I have to live with forever.

 

I read through more of your posts and was really sad to read this. This guy is judging you and not-so-subtly blaming you. He is twisted and is manipulating you. He does not care about you. He is happy for you to say you love him, even though he knows he is not going to say the same to you. He is encouraging you to become attached and yet is offering nothing in the way of reciprocal emotion or commitment. His behaviour is typical of push/pull tactics (look it up online) and, having been on the receiving end of such tactics myself in the past, they are very powerful. You think you are making progress and they give you every indication you are and then they withdraw and blame you for getting the wrong idea. These tactics cause incredible pain and the best way to recover is to get out of the relationship and the manipulation.

 

You slept with him because in the heat of the moment it seemed a good idea. It was, you acted on impulse and instinct and you did nothing wrong. He slept with you too, remember. Why the hell isn't he judging himself? What a creep. You deserve every respect and he should give you every respect. If he doesn't, he doesn't deserve you. You sound a sweet, loving lady who deserves someone likewise. There will be someone out there for you. Your feelings matter! Not just his, not just his excuses or stupid, blaming reasons for why he is behaving like a soulless player. Your feelings matter too. Put them first for a change. You are a lovely, worthy person and this guy is not worthy of you. If anyone is inferior or to blame for having sex too soon, it's him not you.

Edited May 7, 2012 by spiderowl

[HellyaImhopeless]

It doesn't matter that he can't understand why you can't orgasm with him. Maybe deep down you are saying that he can't have everything intimate about you - and I really don't blame you.

Wow, I never thought of that actually, but it makes sense, that in a subcounsiously way, I am withholding orgasm as a way of holding on to the last bit that I refuse 'to give him' unless he gives me a commitment, hence it's just f*cked up that I can sleep with him already, if I can't let him see me orgasm.

 

I know he has a fetish about me c*mming over his pen*s, and somewhere deep inside I am withholding that from him, because if I give him that too, then I have nothing else to offer..so to speak.. He's told me he can't understand how I can sleep with him if I wont let myself orgasm. He's like well yeah whats the point in that? Well, it's not just black on white. I only sleep with him because I have strong feelings for him (before sex), I don't just sleep with him for the fun of it, like he is.

 

I'll be going on vacation for 10 days on friday with my bestfriend (girl). Thats the longest I have ever been away from him. I am hoping I could get deattached from him, but knowing me, I'll still sleep with him on my return. I have no self control when it comes to him, none whatsoever, and it makes me look pathetic.

 

He offered to drive me the 40mins to the airport at 5 in the morning, so I guess that was nice of him, because last time I was away, he didn't offer to pick me up, and I had to walk home with a suitcase from the bus to my house (30min), he then came over later on wanting to make dinner, and sleep with me. Guess he didnt care that I was tired and had been travelling.

[spiderowl]

Rather than just jumping and taking whatever this guy offers you, why not decide what you really want from him - commitment, kindness, thoughtfulness, etc. and then see if he is matching up? Once you set yourself standards that you won't let a guy fall below (most of the time anyway - we all have our failings!), you will see yourself that he's not good enough for you. It is your choice to give in to him, but you know that.

 

It would be painful for you to give him up. He knows that. You know that. But, it would be a step to a different and possibly better future. You will change the power balance in this relationship. There is the risk he will give up on you if he has to step up to the mark, but you will gain in self-respect. If you think you can't resist him when he is there, go no-contact. There are plenty of guides online as to how to do this. You'd have to keep to it strictly though to avoid getting into the situation where you are vulnerable.

[HellyaImhopeless]

Rather than just jumping and taking whatever this guy offers you, why not decide what you really want from him - commitment, kindness, thoughtfulness, etc. and then see if he is matching up? Once you set yourself standards that you won't let a guy fall below (most of the time anyway - we all have our failings!), you will see yourself that he's not good enough for you. It is your choice to give in to him, but you know that.

I know I jump and take whatever this guy offers me, and he knows it. I know that one of the big reasons to me doing it is he is the only guy I assosiate with. I have 0 friends, and my family live far away, so it makes me 'double attached' to him. He's even said to me "If I leave, you have no one" and it makes me sad... Indeed, if he leaves, I have no one, it's true... of course he's never gonna commit.

 

I have told him so many times I want commitment, and stuff, and he won't even spend the night with me in bed. He once said he was worried I would get the wrong idea if he did... yeah that one really hurt. Then he continue to look me in the eyes saying twice he loves me whilst stroking my hair gently... talk about fu*cking with my head. I'm good enough to him to have dinners with every single day, chill out with, have sex with, all in MY home. Most nights now, I spend the night on my sofa and not in my bed, because my bed makes me think of HIM because thats where we have sex. Oh god... Glad I am starting therapi soon and had I not had this forum, I think I'd be gone under by now to be honest.

 

It's f*cking with my head, but this 'addiction' or whatever you call it is as strong as a heroin addiction (my mum is one).. it feels as strong anyway.

[spiderowl]

Is there any way you could make a new circle of friends? Maybe go to events that you can share with others, like music events? Join a walking club or something. Something you enjoy doing that will get you away from him and give you access to other people who could be supportive? I think it's really important you have other people to turn to. I'm sorry you seem alone.

[HellyaImhopeless]

Is there any way you could make a new circle of friends? Maybe go to events that you can share with others, like music events? Join a walking club or something. Something you enjoy doing that will get you away from him and give you access to other people who could be supportive? I think it's really important you have other people to turn to. I'm sorry you seem alone.

I really struggle making friends because I'm really shy, and have low self-esteem, and I'm not the most approchable person. Even saying this sounds negative, but it's the truth. Anytime I go out, or spend time with anyone else, my FWB will ask me who I'm with and what I'm doing. There was a new guy at work starting in my team a few weeks ago, and my FWB even said to me he hope I'm not going to exchange numbers with him..

 

My FWB's ex has said that she was controlled when she was in a relationship with him. She wasn't really "allowed" friends, and he always wanted to keep tabs on her. She claims he cheated on her, but he says he didn't. She warned me to not get involved with him because he will just mess me about and hurt me in the end.

 

..... my self esteem is that low, and I am that lonely, to allow myself to be treated like worse than dirt. I know it, I can see it, and yet I don't do anything about it, because I'm so lonely and attached to him, that if he does leave I really will have no one at all, not 1 single person. Call it the new Stockholm syndrome, lol (where the victim falls in love with her captors).

 

I know he cares about me to a certain degree, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it anyway, when he cancels out on plans last minute, but I'm not sure if that level of caring is just to 'keep the peace with me', and allow for sex to happen whenever he wants. How lucky is he? I can't remember not giving in to him ONCE. He must think I am the world's dumbest woman - the biggest doormat to ever walk the earth.

Edited May 7, 2012 by HellyaImhopeless

[Professor X]

How lucky is he? I can't remember not giving in to him ONCE. He must think I am the world's dumbest woman - the biggest doormat to ever walk the earth.

 

Yes, he's very lucky and he does think that. He gets to eat the cake and keep it full, why would he ever wanna change it. If he were to sleep with another woman, he could do it infront of you, and he'd still have you in the palm of his hand.

 

You keep saying you won't have anyone, but aren't you going on a trip of 10 days with a friend?

[HellyaImhopeless]

Yes, he's very lucky and he does think that. He gets to eat the cake and keep it full, why would he ever wanna change it. If he were to sleep with another woman, he could do it infront of you, and he'd still have you in the palm of his hand.

 

You keep saying you won't have anyone, but aren't you going on a trip of 10 days with a friend?

 

He says he isn't, and hasn't been sleeping with anyone else, but he also says if the opportunity does arise, he's not going to stop himself, and that me and him would have to stop, so yeah. This really sucks. Personally I dont exactly think he's going to pick up the phone and go "Hey, look, Im going to sleep with someone else now, so we better stop this". No, he would hide it. I have seen him flirting with girls once, and that made me jealous, whats going to happen if I found out he slept with someone else? I'm worried Ill turn into one of those psycho stalker girls, I really do.

 

-My friend lives 700 miles away, and I see her twice a year only. I need a friend whom live close by that I can meet with regularly - thats the sort of friends I think I need now. I wish there was another guy that I liked, but there's not.

[Professor X]

He says he isn't, and hasn't been sleeping with anyone else, but he also says if the opportunity does arise, he's not going to stop himself, and that me and him would have to stop, so yeah. This really sucks. Personally I dont exactly think he's going to pick up the phone and go "Hey, look, Im going to sleep with someone else now, so we better stop this". No, he would hide it. I have seen him flirting with girls once, and that made me jealous, whats going to happen if I found out he slept with someone else? I'm worried Ill turn into one of those psycho stalker girls, I really do.

 

-My friend lives 700 miles away, and I see her twice a year only. I need a friend whom live close by that I can meet with regularly - thats the sort of friends I think I need now. I wish there was another guy that I liked, but there's not.

And there won't be another guy you will like either. Cause you are way to obsessed with this guy. He has complete and full control over you to the point where you are oblivious to others. I am 100% sure that there are other guys out there who checked you out, but I'm also sure you came across as taken and not interested when they tried to make a move.

 

P.S. You would do well to stop talking about him him him and him. Like HE won't do it. HE will hide it. HE flirts. Who cares??? What about YOU?

 

And ye, I agree, you will most likely turn to one of those psycho stalkers...

[HellyaImhopeless]

And ye, I agree, you will most likely turn to one of those psycho stalkers...

 

I just don't think I'll ever find another guy that I would feel the same for, a guy that would want me too. I've only ever had 1 boyfriend and Im 28, mind you, acting like 15!

 

I'm getting to the point where I just want him to want me, so I can then turn my back and let him taste his own medicine. I even told him he broke my heart, and all he said was 'I don't know what to say, sorry'. I'm so stupid.

[Professor X]

 

I just don't think I'll ever find another guy that I would feel the same for, a guy that would want me too. I've only ever had 1 boyfriend and Im 28, mind you, acting like 15!

 

I'm getting to the point where I just want him to want me, so I can then turn my back and let him taste his own medicine. I even told him he broke my heart, and all he said was 'I don't know what to say, sorry'. I'm so stupid.

Again, it's because you are so oblivious to other that you feel like you won't find another guy. You simply cannot see it now because you are so blinded by him.

 

And of course all you want is for him to want you, but lets be real here, if he were, than you wouldn't let him taste of his own medicine, you'd just come here and post how he finally wants you and how happy you.

 

Sorry, but yes, you are being stupid. Again, he won't change, there's no reason he would. Logically speaking, he can get everything out of you without committing - that's a win-win-win situation for him.

 

And I stand by what I said earlier, even if he did find another woman to sleep with and even if he told you of it, or were to sleep with her infront of you, you'd be sad and hurt, but you'd sleep with right after. Even if she was still there.

 

The way you speak, I just can't see you walking out on this on your own.

 

You mentioned you will start therapy soon, which is good, but I hope you go there with the state of mind that you need to find the strength to leave him and not to find a way to make him love you or change yourself to be good for him.

 

P.S. What about hobbies, have you got any? Passions? Things you like to do? Books? Computers? Sports?

[spiderowl]

The situation you are in with the regular 'put-downs' he is giving you is affecting your self-esteem. I think once you have stood up to him and refused to let him manipulate you, you will start to get some of that back again.

 

You say he wouldn't be happy about you exchanging numbers with a guy. What say does he have about your private life as he's not committed to you? He should not have any. He does not have a claim on you. Unless he commits to you, you are a free agent and don't need to ask him or tell him what you are doing. You can go out with someone else without telling him. You would be doing nothing wrong.

 

Yes, he will probably do his best to control you, but you need to think about what a single woman could do. She can date who she likes, come and go as she likes, live as she likes, she doesn't have to answer to a male who is not her formal partner. I think it's hard for you to see where he is controlling you and how to stand up to him because you are so used to it. You need to go through a process of disentangling yourself. You know he will be shocked and surprised if you do. But this is what he needs, to understand you are not his doll to play with when he feels like it. He needs to learn to respect you. As long as he thinks he can control your behaviour and then allow himself to go play with other dolls, he will. Assume he's a naughty toddler who needs boundaries. He needs to respect you and in return you may grace him with your time. I think you will need to untie each thread one by one, until you feel free and confident again.

 

Maybe part of the fear of saying no to this guy is because you don't think anyone else would want you. That's not true. It's easy to become locked in someone else's worldview and only realise when you are out that it was warped. It sounds like you are realising this now. I feel sure you will be taking steps to redress the power balance in this relationship.

[Leigh 87]

This guy does care about you, on a human level - you know, he thinks your a nice person, he enjoys being around you enough to spend a great deal of time with u - he would care if something bad happened to you. If he really disliked your company, he would probably keep it to just sex, and not bother with the dinners, and re decorating your house. Unless, of course, he is only doing these things to keep the sex. I would say he would have to be a horrible person, if he really disliked you, yet continued to have sex with u, and only associated with u so often to repay you for the sex and keep the sex coming.

I would say he at LEAST enjoys your company.

 

To be truly happy, you need at least some people to associate with; higher self esteem; and to demand the propper respect u deserve. People who lack self respect, have low self esteem, and let people walk all over them, are generally not the happiest of people.

 

To be happy in life, your priorities should be to:

 

- get professional help. Tell them EVERYTHING about your situation with your fwb.

 

- join groups - anything. ANYTHING is better than being totally alone, so much that you let a guy use u and break you heart.

 

- if you have the money and time, learn another language, join a gym, do things to make yourself feel SEXY and empowered!

 

Please, you need to break your unhealthy adiction to this man who will never love you back.

There are guys who WILL be a match and fall in love with u, and adore you; this guy is not one of them. He is capable of loving a women and wanting a relationship; just not with you.

The very dangerous and unhealthy part of your situation is: you are around a guy a LOT, who is not capable of developing strong, romantic feelings for you. It is a simple fact of life, that not all men are able to fall in love with you.

Not all men will fall madly in love with ME; I do not think I am any less because of it. I could spend ALL MY TIME with some men, and they WILL NEVER be head over heals in love with me.

This is the same FOR ALL WOMEN. Only, healthy, happy women with high self respect and self esteem, do not hang around a guy they are madly in love with, who will NEVER love them back. THIS IS THE PART YOU NEED TO CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF.

Become one of the happy, healthy women, who do not put themselves in such a terrible position with men.

 

 

 

 

I do not think your guy is a very nice person. To be honest, I would not want to be the girl he DOES fall for - because, personally, I would rather have a kind, considerate guy, who would not play with girls emotions in such an unhealthy way.

My boyfriend would NEVER continue to have sex with a girl, who fell MADLY in love with him. He has more integrity, and care enough about OTHER people, to not want to seriosuly mess them up.

 

 

 

Seriously, good luck with improving your life. I improved mine, I had no friend and I am gradually meeting people! I am a lovely person, and you sound like a nice person too! If you are confident within yourself and know your a great girl to have as a friend, u will come across people in time.

 

 

 

 

 

Lastly... You need to go some place else, away from this guy. I would seriously consider moving flats. It will feel totally pointless, walking away, packing away your possessions, away from a guy you love. BUt you have to think about what is best for you in the long run.

It is taking the easy way out, continueing being around this guy. It will lead to a harder path to to happiness if you continue with him; one day, he will find a girl he likes romantically and leave you. You will then have to pick up the pieces of your life later on.

Leave NOW, and fix things sooner!

[Leigh 87]

And also - you know how much you love this guy? Guess what.. There are other guys you can also love just as much, and who will also love you back.

 

You know what your doing is wrong; you know that your chosing:

 

- to stick around this guy because in the short term, you prefer to be around a guy u love and be able to be physical close to him, than to just throw it all away.

 

Staying around this guy is the easy way out; you are being close to a guy u love, but who does not love u back, through sex. One day, he will want a loving relationship ( most likely he will), and he wll drop you once he finds the right girl for him.

 

 

- You can wait longer until u have to fix yourself; or, u can do it RIGHT NOW. And, in the time you would have spent with him for another year, had u taken the fist option I mentioned, u could have found a guy who LOVES U and who you love, by then.

 

 

 

 

Make a choice and own it. Stay miserable and spend more time with this guy, only to become heartbroken when he leaves you for his true love.

 

............... or, leave NOW, and be truly happier sooner.

 

 

SEE your psycologist and tell THEM all of this. In fact, print all these pages out, so they can get a TRUE idea of the situation.