Els Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Stop trying to convince yourself!! Sure, some FWBs enjoy cuddling. It isn't necessarily representative of anything. Even if he doesn't fit squarely in the definition of 'FWB', it doesn't matter. He still falls squarely in the definition of 'not interested in a relationship with you'. Why do you do this to yourself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HellyaImhopeless Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 Stop trying to convince yourself!! Sure, some FWBs enjoy cuddling. It isn't necessarily representative of anything. Even if he doesn't fit squarely in the definition of 'FWB', it doesn't matter. He still falls squarely in the definition of 'not interested in a relationship with you'. Why do you do this to yourself? I don't know. He has only recently started to cuddle me on the sofa, and "warming up, opening up" to me. He used to be really quite cold/emotionless towards me until maybe 2 months ago. Maybe he is falling, and starting to let me in? If not, I will go to a nuthouse. I WANT HIM!! I am going to have him, simple as that. Watch. Lol Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 So.. how long has this entire 'FWB' thing been going on fruitlessly, in total? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HellyaImhopeless Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 So.. how long has this entire 'FWB' thing been going on fruitlessly, in total? 12 months. Why would he tell me he loves me and care about me more than a friend, and keeping sentimental gifts from me alongside a gift from his mum if he didn't have feelings for me? Thats what Im trying to say. If he has 'those' feelings for me, there must be a way I can have a chance with him. He told me during the first months, there's no way he would get into a relationship with me then anyways as I was only single a few weeks after a 7yr long relationship, and he didn't want to jump into a relationship with me before letting me have time to be single. Then we fell out over a stupid misunderstanding, and it lasted a while, thats when he said he just wanted to be friends, nothing serious. The fallout probably caused him to close off his heart with me, and maybe he's just started to open up again? He hasn't dated anyone else during our year together, or spent any time with any other girls. He is with me every spare moment he has! 5-6 hours every day, and sometimes we go 5 days - to a week without sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Even if you did get him in the end, would it not bother you that it took 12 months of sex for him to finally agree to be your bf? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HellyaImhopeless Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 (edited) Even if you did get him in the end, would it not bother you that it took 12 months of sex for him to finally agree to be your bf? Well, not really, because his mum told me years ago he doesn't want a girlfriend because he always end up hurt in the end, and how he never wants to open his heart to a girl again. At least if I do get him in the end, I know I was worth it to him. Here comes this...feeling so sorry for him... wanting to be the one to rescue him... feeling, and I want to be her, I really do. I know many men says "im not ready yet, hurt in the past, etc etc," but I also think that some men are scared to commit again because of past negative experiences, and why would his mum that I get on with well tell me that if it's not true. She knows her son, they are very close. It's like, I crashed my car, and I was scared to death for a long time to drive again, until I was ready to take that step. I don't know, I can't move on from him... thats what happens when you're so madly in love. He said he has doubts about me wanting his heart since I slept with him too soon, it didn't make him feel special, and that's a mistake I have to live with forever. Oh yes, and we talk on the phone alot. He ring me to tell me he's heading out to do this and that, like small errands.. and im thinking whyyyyy is he telling me these things, lol. We might as well be married already lol Edited April 13, 2012 by HellyaImhopeless Link to post Share on other sites
Author HellyaImhopeless Posted April 18, 2012 Author Share Posted April 18, 2012 ...It's just me again, looking for your opinion on what he meant by this: A few days ago I told him I no longer could sleep with him because everytime we're intimate, I have to fight myself from not telling him how much he means to me (hinting to the 3 letter words). And it's really hard now after 12 months to try to orgasm with him, but at the same time *not being allowed* to tell him I love him, cause I don't think he'd say it back and I would feel awkward. I told him his heart isn't in this as that's what he has said before in the past, and he said "it is in it" and I asked him to please explain and he said the following: "You read too much into things, just let it be, that was the past, this is now and it is in it". - it's making me feel he really must be telling the truth. A few days later I bluntly asked him straight out if he said that to just keep the sex going, and he said, no it is in it, all though only 3 months ago he said he would not get into a relationship unless his heart was 100% in it, could this mean his heart might be 70% in it? lol...ahhh us girls, analyzing everything He is not a guy to be talking about feelings, and maybe he felt I was really ending it this time, so he figured he had to say something to keep me... hard to know. As I've said earlier, I have noticed his actions having changed a lot recently over the past few months, he's doing a lot for me now around the house, and we spend every day together cooking and lying on the sofa cuddling but not always. So what do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
crazylove Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 What did he say about you not sleeping with him anymore? ...and have you since you said this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HellyaImhopeless Posted April 18, 2012 Author Share Posted April 18, 2012 We did it last night. We eye locked the whole time, it wasn't creepy or anything, was just amazing soul connecting, bonding lovemaking, and he tells me how he can feel the connection. But I still can't let myself go and orgasm, because I worry I will blurt out that I love him, because I do, I just make an effort not telling him that. I sent him a text today saying: No point in this anymore, you know I can't cum without getting more attached to you, and thats why I acted funny with you afterwards last night..because I did...I actually started to "huff" lol.. I felt rotten, like wanted to cry, because in my head, I want him to just hold me tight and tell me he loves me. Wishfull thinking.. he replied withsaying: "Just smile". What the hell does he mean by just smile??? lol By the way... I have said a thousand times I cant sleep with him anymore, and then I go ahead and bloody initiate it a few days later...it just goes from kissing, a few touches, and BOOM, I'm in, too late... you know? he must not take me very seruously when I keep telling him I want a relationship, but yet gives in to him all the time... I must be a f*c*ing joke to him. Link to post Share on other sites
crazylove Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 From what you've said, I'd say that you're going to continues with this 'relationship' anyway, in which case, you might as well just 'go with the flow!'. Either this, or you stop sleeping with him completely until such point as you are officially a couple (which ain't going to happen seeing as you said that a few days ago and slept with him again since! lol). So, only thing you can do is just wait and hope for him to come around....or go no contact. The choice is yours... Link to post Share on other sites
crazylove Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 ...and another thing...I think you may be setting yourself up for a fall if he does change his mind and make it official....and then u still don't orgasm because of the pressure you've put on it being 'all rosey' if he does come around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HellyaImhopeless Posted April 18, 2012 Author Share Posted April 18, 2012 Ok thanks crazylove, I know, I wish I had more self controll with this guy. Ive never even had a one night stand, it's just with this guy, I cant keep my hands off him. I have never acted this way in my life with anyone before. No contact is gonna be hard as his house is wall-in-wall with mine lol. I can even peep into his garden from my garden... I dont wish to go no contact with him, I care about him deeply and dont wish to cut him out of my life at all. I guess, what I need help with, somehow, is to refrain from sex with him. I dont know how, but I must somehow, to see if he makes a better effort, its the only way I will ever know, right, do you agree? Link to post Share on other sites
crazylove Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 "By the way... I have said a thousand times I cant sleep with him anymore, and then I go ahead and bloody initiate it a few days later...it just goes from kissing, a few touches, and BOOM, I'm in, too late... you know? he must not take me very seruously when I keep telling him I want a relationship, but yet gives in to him all the time... I must be a f*c*ing joke to him. ...this... Link to post Share on other sites
Author HellyaImhopeless Posted April 18, 2012 Author Share Posted April 18, 2012 What did he say about you not sleeping with him anymore? ...and have you since you said this? "By the way... I have said a thousand times I cant sleep with him anymore, and then I go ahead and bloody initiate it a few days later...it just goes from kissing, a few touches, and BOOM, I'm in, too late... you know? he must not take me very seruously when I keep telling him I want a relationship, but yet gives in to him all the time... I must be a f*c*ing joke to him. ...this... I know, I go ahead and do it, then instaly regret it, thinking, now I just lost another chance of ever being his girlfriend and he must think Im stupid. He said to me the other day after cooking him his fav soup from scratch that the way to a mans heart is by feeding him, he loves my food, so Im gonna keep feeding him and no sex, maybe that will work. At the moment, he has no incentive to commit anyways. He's getting everything and more out of this. Link to post Share on other sites
crazylove Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 That's going to be really hard if he's only next door! eek! At the moment, he knows he has you on tap next door. It sounds like he does like you, but it also sounds like it's convenient for him too. Only you can decide which route to go...whether you're just happy to carry on as you are and see where it leads. Maybe you should put a time limit on it as in, maybe in a few months re evaluate the situation and see how you feel. Maybe you should cut back on being so convenient to him and let him initiate everything? Back off so that he realises that he may lose you if ur status doesn't change? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HellyaImhopeless Posted April 18, 2012 Author Share Posted April 18, 2012 That's going to be really hard if he's only next door! eek! At the moment, he knows he has you on tap next door. It sounds like he does like you, but it also sounds like it's convenient for him too. Only you can decide which route to go...whether you're just happy to carry on as you are and see where it leads. Maybe you should put a time limit on it as in, maybe in a few months re evaluate the situation and see how you feel. Maybe you should cut back on being so convenient to him and let him initiate everything? Back off so that he realises that he may lose you if ur status doesn't change? That's it you know, he knows I will sleep with him anytime he asks, so to speak, heck, he knows I will even initiate it more often that himlol, so why should he even make a slight effort? But the fact he also IS making an effort by doing things for me, and spending so much time with me, shows me that he isn't just coming by for some sex, he does care. I just need to back off a little. He asked me yesterday how my day was and I told him a new guy joined my team at work, and he got really jealous and said: "Do you and this new guy have to swap numbers or anything"....??? I was thinking what the hell is your problem dude, u dont even want me!!!!!!! I asked him why would he ask me that, and he said, he didnt want me going off texting other guys.... wtf Link to post Share on other sites
crazylove Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 Well, yeah, he has no right to get jealous over other men if he won't commit to you at all, and actually, I do kinda think you should keep your options open to other guys seeing as he's made it clear that he won't. Maybe you should explain that to him. Definitely back off with him. Don't initiate anything...not even going around there. You're being walked all over:( Let him do some legwork for a change... Link to post Share on other sites
Author HellyaImhopeless Posted April 18, 2012 Author Share Posted April 18, 2012 Well, yeah, he has no right to get jealous over other men if he won't commit to you at all, and actually, I do kinda think you should keep your options open to other guys seeing as he's made it clear that he won't. Maybe you should explain that to him. I have explained that to him a lot of times. He needs to stop acting like that. I guess it's just the nature of men, all though not all, he deffinitely doesn't want to lose his "easy" sex to another guy. He wants me to want him and only him. I also told him that it makes no sense to me how he can say his heart is in this now, but still wants a fun-no strings-thing with me. He always manages to talk himself out of it or not responding at all, telling me to just let it be and stop forcing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 It seems to me you have tried to talk to him to no avail. If he knows that you are in love with him, and yet he refuses to commit to you because he doesn't want to get hurt, then as you can see, he is perfectly comfortable hurting you. I'm not saying he doesn't like you or even love you, but it is pretty clear that you ARE miss right now. By telling you not to stress or worry and just be in the moment, it is just more of a cop out for not addressing an issue that is clearly hurting you. If i were you, i would start looking for somewhere else to live. I would sit him down and properly end this. Say to him that you want love in your life. You want a relationship, commitment and someone who wants that with you. You are 28 and you have to look forward to the next stage of your life.. and as much as you love him and want those things with him... because he doesn't, this arrangement is holding you back from meeting someone who WILL give you that. Be honest with him.. write a letter if you have to. Lay your heart on the table and don't settle for anything less than what you want from him. You are too easy. You have made this all to easy. He doesn't have to do anything to have all the parts of a relationship that he wants without any of the responsibility. You need to take some responsibility for your part in this. You have agreed to this so far. You choose to keep initiating sex with him even though you know it's not leading you closer to the things you really want. Own it. What do you want really want? Do you want to be turning 30 and still be having a FWB situation with your neighbour? Because that's your future at the moment. Have you got a friend you can stay with for a few nights? You need space to really think through the best way to deal with your own life and what you want for your future. You need a plan you can stick to. beacuse this "I'll stop sleeping with him and see if that works" IS NOT WORKING. I can pretty much guarantee that you will not do anything, and everything will just continue as it is. If you want things to change, you have to change it. You have to accept losing him and this FWB thing in order to be open to real love and commit coming into your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
crazylove Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 It seems to me you have tried to talk to him to no avail. If he knows that you are in love with him, and yet he refuses to commit to you because he doesn't want to get hurt, then as you can see, he is perfectly comfortable hurting you. I'm not saying he doesn't like you or even love you, but it is pretty clear that you ARE miss right now. By telling you not to stress or worry and just be in the moment, it is just more of a cop out for not addressing an issue that is clearly hurting you. If i were you, i would start looking for somewhere else to live. I would sit him down and properly end this. Say to him that you want love in your life. You want a relationship, commitment and someone who wants that with you. You are 28 and you have to look forward to the next stage of your life.. and as much as you love him and want those things with him... because he doesn't, this arrangement is holding you back from meeting someone who WILL give you that. Be honest with him.. write a letter if you have to. Lay your heart on the table and don't settle for anything less than what you want from him. You are too easy. You have made this all to easy. He doesn't have to do anything to have all the parts of a relationship that he wants without any of the responsibility. You need to take some responsibility for your part in this. You have agreed to this so far. You choose to keep initiating sex with him even though you know it's not leading you closer to the things you really want. Own it. What do you want really want? Do you want to be turning 30 and still be having a FWB situation with your neighbour? Because that's your future at the moment. Have you got a friend you can stay with for a few nights? You need space to really think through the best way to deal with your own life and what you want for your future. You need a plan you can stick to. beacuse this "I'll stop sleeping with him and see if that works" IS NOT WORKING. I can pretty much guarantee that you will not do anything, and everything will just continue as it is. If you want things to change, you have to change it. You have to accept losing him and this FWB thing in order to be open to real love and commit coming into your life. Great reply! Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 The first question that cums to mind is are you "doing it right" and orgasm is immanent but you then invoke a mental block? Many women can't cum with their partner for various reasons. But if you have no problem with that but have this switch in your head that shuts you down, that's clearly psychological and may be easier to overcum than the inability to achieve orgasm through normal sexual relations. It seems to me that you (OPer) are projecting fear. Sex is not like converting to converting to a religion or something--having an orgasm doesn't change who you are. If you really want to cum and can, try to reassure yourself that you are bigger than the act you just performed--no one is keeping score on you. If you have trouble cumming with him and want to, be assured that it is perfectly fine to do whatever you feel you have to to get off. There is nothing saying that you have a script where there are limits and you can't touch yourself or direct him to service you. It's all about sharing the joy of being alive and experiencing the extents of fulfillment. That's a partnership with duties of both individuals--it's not a surrender to someone else and/or the conventions of tradition. Lighten up, loosen up, AND STOP PROJECTING negative consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HellyaImhopeless Posted April 23, 2012 Author Share Posted April 23, 2012 Indeed, great reply from Great reply from Million.to.1 The first question that cums to mind is are you "doing it right" and orgasm is immanent but you then invoke a mental block? Many women can't cum with their partner for various reasons. But if you have no problem with that but have this switch in your head that shuts you down, that's clearly psychological and may be easier to overcum than the inability to achieve orgasm through normal sexual relations. STOP PROJECTING negative consequences. After a lot of soulsearching, I am confident the reason is because we're not in a loving relationship, and that I just can't get off, looking him in the eyes, feeling the intense connection, knowing in my heart, he only wants to have a good time (no strings), whilst I love him?! He says I only love him because I'm lonely and have no one else....how dare he say that lol. Yes I am 700 miles away from my native country, and I dont really have any friends here, just colleagues, and this guy that Im FWB with, and I guess he knows that I 'only have him'... I told him the exact thing as I wrote above, and he replied with yes but then how could I sleep with him in the first place? and I asked myself, thats a bloody good question... guess I'm using sex to have a way of being 'intimate, close to him thing'... but can't get myself to orgasm, because I love him and he doesnt love me. Wow, Im complicated. We've now gone 6 days with no sex, and we spend hours everyday together, he's helping me re-decorate my house at the moment, giving me kisses on the cheek and mouth all the time, cuddling me, just in general messing with my head Link to post Share on other sites
Author HellyaImhopeless Posted May 5, 2012 Author Share Posted May 5, 2012 (edited) Im just updating this. You're all probably fed up with me and this guy by now. In 4 weeks, I'm starting therapi after being referred by my doctor. It will be a new chapter of my life, very scary to talk to a person about it all, but its something that I absolutely have to because I am starting to feel suicidal, and I have no one to talk to, so coming here really helps me:( Please don't tell me to just drop him and leave him. My issues are a lot deeper than that. I was always abondened as a child, and the fact that I am not getting validation from him after having slept with him for a year, and shared my heart with him from day 1, is making me suicidal - and that's not normal. I shouldn't base my life on getting validation from a dickhead, really, but I do, so I am starting therapi, to fix myself before I go under. A lot has happened since my last post. Things got carried away (out of my own desperation) - I ended up telling him I love him, and he did not reciprocate. What he said in return was 'you know I like you & care about you, and I enjoy spending time with you, but I never want to have a girlfriend ever again'. I then proceed to ask him "So all our kisses and f*c*ing meant nothing to you? was it all just for fun?, he then said "No it was never just for fun, and it was never just a f*ck". I am still trying to get out of him what he means by this because yesterday I asked him "if we continue kissing, etc, will it be just for a good time"- and he said yes. CONFUSING much? When he looked me in the eyes and said he loved me during sex during a night in February, saying the day after he got caught up in the moment, that was like stabbing the knife in my heart, he might as well have done that for real with a knife. Would hurt less! Anyways, I texted him, telling him to leave me alone as he broke my heart. Every girl he has been with before has broken his, but he never gave the girl who won't break it a chance, and it's killing me. I am so head over heels in love with him. It hurts so badly he then texted back saying "I'll bring a movie over later" so then we ended up watching a movie, and had pizza, and he let me lye on his arm. Ok, I'm finished, sorry for taking up space on the forum, but I had to, because I am desperate, and I feel like ending my life now, all because I'm rejected by him, something I was thru my whole childhood by my parents - well f*c*ed up this is I go thru his his sms's over and over, some a couple of hundred times, obsessing and analyzing, draining myself. It has got to stop, but it's hard when I am in a foreign country all alone, my life revolves around this guy - it's ridicilous, but no one feels my pain. The thought of getting pregnant has even crossed my mind, just so I have something of him, but how selfish is that. Edited May 5, 2012 by HellyaImhopeless ...... Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted May 5, 2012 Share Posted May 5, 2012 (edited) Do you feel orgasm coming on with him and them you purposely withhold and shot it down? Or is it jut not happening and you're searching for some rationale that makes it seem like you are indeed moving to avoid it? Be honest. Is it happening and you're choking ti off, or is it no happening and you're rationalizing? If you feel it coming on and putting the breaks on it, you are probably projecting some moral repression on it and again rationalizing it that it's going to put the zap on your head. Truthfully it's just biology and healthful for you not to complicate climax with regret. You seem to understand that he involves himself with you for recreation--friendly an affectionate sexual activity but he has the breaks on in his head about what his climax means. Try to keep that in mind to some degree and consider taking similar pleasure. You are projecting moral principles and fear of regret without at least giving yourself the chance to see if you really feel that way. I identify with you and understand your fear o liking it o the point of equating love of him with enjoyment of the climax. FWBS learn to sort these things out a plenty so don't feel alone like you're the only person challenged by this. Your choice is always stop and try to meet someone you can be free with, or view this as experiment in your own ability to enjoy sex with someone you like without guilt or fear that you can't control your feelings. Perhaps after once or twice you'll decide it wasn't all that or you'll know it is all that and you shouldn't be playing like that. Good luck. You'll live.. He does. ETA: Sorry, I didn't realize i posted no this thread already days ago. It's late and I'm sleepy. But maybe there's something in here I misse d in my other commentary. Edited May 5, 2012 by Feelin Frisky Link to post Share on other sites
Author HellyaImhopeless Posted May 5, 2012 Author Share Posted May 5, 2012 Thanks feeling frisky, but I just posted a long post 1 hour before you replied. I think if you read it, it will show you there is a lot more to this, and me not being able to orgasm with him should be the least of my worries now. Thanks though. Link to post Share on other sites
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