My wife has left me. where do i go from here

[philbatch]

Ok,

 

Go read Russell 1968's posts, the whole thread, then go and read all the other stories on here. Then to go to the OM/OW thread to get into the mindset of a cheater. Then come back and tell me that it's not worth at least checking up. I say this because if she is cheating, the actions you are taking right now is like p*ssing into the wind.

 

I would also like to add that I'm trying to help you, I sincerely hope she isn't cheating and would be happy if your wife fell into your arms back in love. However I am a realist.

 

Rob, I know your trying to help and as I said I have taken bits of advice from everyone on here. Can't find any threads started by you on here and I would be very interested to hear your story to see just how much it relates to mine.

[russell1968]

Rob, I know your trying to help and as I said I have taken bits of advice from everyone on here. Can't find any threads started by you on here and I would be very interested to hear your story to see just how much it relates to mine.

 

 

Hey Phil,

 

Sorry you are going through this! When you have a chance please read through my thread (can i save this), there is definelty some similarities.

 

My wife left led me up the garden path and all the time in the background she was trying to cement her new realtioship. I'm not suggesting this is happening to you, however it can't hurt to read.

 

Russ

[robf1971]

PB I discovered this site when things were already getting much better for me, so you won't find any thread.

 

If your wife is cheating, in her mind it won't be, she will just tell you that it doesn't count because you are separated already. Russell1968's wife is still refusing to admit she cheated using this excuse.

 

Heck, Kathy M who's giving you all this advice used that excuse too to justify it to herself.

[LifesontheUp]

Guys, can we please quit the cheating angle on this one for a bit.

 

Philbatch - I've read through your whole thread and am not really sure why there is belief there is hope here - though I truly hope I am wrong. Nearly everything from your 1st post is where your wife has told you she is OUT of the marriage. She is also on dating sites? Come on Philbatch, what effort is she making to work on your marriage? She refused marriage counselling didn't she? Why not suggest it again when you next meet - it'll be interesting to see her answer.

 

It takes TWO people to make a marriage work. Can't see anything from what you have written that makes me believe your wife is on board.

 

Sorry if this is appearing as negative. But from my experience in real life and reading on forums, once women say they are out of the marriage, 99% of the time they mean it. It will have taken her some time to get there and I don't think there is any going back I'm afraid.

[philbatch]

Just found the following link regarding NC;

 

http://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/no-contact-brought-back-my-ex-im-sticking-to-nc/

[Owl]

Phil...I've not posted to your thread so far...not sure if you're interested in my viewpoint/advice or not.

 

For the moment, I'd suggest that you do two things.

 

First...make darned sure of what goal it is that you have in mind. It's critical that you have a clear picture in mind of what it is you want to achieve.

 

The second step is to identify specifically what it is that stands between you and your goal. Specifics here are key...

 

Tied into that is you figuring out precisely, exactly why it is that your wife is feeling/saying/acting the way that she is. What, exactly, is causing her to feel the things she feels about you and her marriage to you?

 

If you don't know...you need to find out.

[Steadfast]

Guys, can we please quit the cheating angle on this one for a bit.

 

Good advice, because it really don't matter. Cheating and withdraw are merely manifestations of the real problem. As for the cheating, it's like finding a puddle of fluid under your car. Sure, it could have come from another car, but...

 

Sorry for the bad analogy.

 

Hope you find your path Phil. It's pretty clear you find my outlook offensive. No matter, you have a good support group here. Listen to them!

[philbatch]

Hi owl, yes of course I want to hear your advice and thank-you for giving it.

 

I know exactly what my goal is and that's ultimately to win my wife back.

 

Secondly, I think many things are standing in the way but I don't believe its another man.

 

I know everyone thinks I'm crazy on here and that I'm just gonna keep getting hurt over and over but I would rather that and be able to walk away knowing I did everything I possibly could than go NC and always wonder what if.

 

That said, I am trying desperately to look after myself now, or at least I'm giving that impression.

[jstobo]

Phil: what has happened since your "date?". Any communication between the two of you?

[Owl]

Hi owl, yes of course I want to hear your advice and thank-you for giving it.

 

I know exactly what my goal is and that's ultimately to win my wife back.

 

Fair enough...that's a goal we can focus on.

 

Secondly, I think many things are standing in the way but I don't believe its another man.

 

OK...so what you need to do is to list out those roadblocks. I'm not asking you to do so here...you can do it here, or you can do it on your own. But list them out...actually write them down.

 

Then go back, and start working out what needs to happen in order to deal with each of those roadblocks.

 

When you're done with that...go back again and prioritize those roadblocks...which ones are easiest to accomplish, and/or most critical to reaching your goal. Number those first, then proceed down to the more impossible/less productive ones.

 

Congratulations...you've now got a working basis from which to build a PLAN to reach your goal.

 

I know everyone thinks I'm crazy on here and that I'm just gonna keep getting hurt over and over but I would rather that and be able to walk away knowing I did everything I possibly could than go NC and always wonder what if.

 

That said, I am trying desperately to look after myself now, or at least I'm giving that impression.

 

Working on yourself is always key, no matter what the source of the problem is. Remember this...a woman cannot fall in love with a man that she does not/can not respect. She can not respect a man she can walk all over, or who is needy/clingy.

 

Start by rebuilding your own confidence, and realizing that you WANT her in your life...but you don't NEED her in your life.

 

Last thought, and I'll only bring it up once, unless something causes a major shift in things.

 

There's a solid reason why you keep hearing everyone mention the possibility of another man. Most of us have been there...and we didn't believe it was possible either...but we found that it happened in our situation. There are a lot of 'red flags' that suggest something similar may well be happening in your situation, so you're hearing that given as a probable cause.

 

I'd suggest that it's worth investigating, even if that's just to rule it out as a possibility.

 

But that's up to you...it's your life, and your marriage.

 

Hope this gives you some good things to focus on.

[robf1971]

but I would rather that and be able to walk away knowing I did everything I possibly could than go NC and always wonder what if.

 

You're wife has told you time and time again in words and actions that she wants out, e'g she just wants to be friends, she's joined a dating agency, she's separated from you.

 

Yet you still persist in pushing what she doesn't want ie yourself onto her. How is that being loving in any way? How is that going to bring her closer to you? How is that going to do anything but turn her off even more?

 

You think she's going to wake up and think 'Ohh MY G-d what am I doing' and fling herself into your arms just because you invite her to dinner? It will never happen. If you want to 'win' your wife back it you need to do the counterintuitive thing

 

I've said this before on another thread, when you are driving at 70mph on the motorway and your tyre bursts doing what feels right ie hitting the brakes is the one thing that will likely you killed. Doing the what feels wrong (counterintuitive) ie lifting your foot off the accelerator gently is going to bring you to a nice safe stop.

 

It's the same in your situation. Letting your wife go, leaving her alone, taking the pressure of is way way way more likely to save it than pursuing her all over the place as you are now.

[hopesndreams]

Just to give you all an update, I moved from the sofa of my friends house last weekend and now living on my own in a house close to work. It's been very strange on my own but hope i'll adjust in time. I'd like to thank-you all for your advice so far I respect it all even if I don't agree with all of it.

 

Many of you will think I'm crazy but tomorrow would have been our 3rd wedding anniversary and my wife has agreed to meet for a drink in the evening. Spoke with her on the phone briefly the other night which was weird after so long.

 

I don't want people to say I shouldn't go as I understand your concerns but my question is, how do you think I should play it? I'm so nervous and excited. I need to be control of the situation but scared I might get emotional or angry etc..... what are your thoughts?

 

Don't go.

 

She has shown her true character, she bails. Commitment means nothing to this woman. She has hurt you for her own selfish reasons and the biggest reason was to be with someone else for a time and being too cowardly to admit it to you. But then, reading your posts, I can understand why she didn't tell you. You are incredibly needy, which is so sad and not a desirable trait for anyone, no one wants to be around someone needy long term, short term, yes (it's fun and they feel "needed")...long time, no because they get bored with it all.

 

What you need, at this time, and for the rest of your life, is independence. When she is finally done with you and no longer keeping you on a string, you will find someone else to cling to and suffocate the life out of, and she too will leave you.

 

I'm not blaming you for her cheating and your denial of her cheating just goes to show how incredible weak and needy you are.

 

Take time for yourself and learn about you. When you learn to love yourself you won't attract those that need to take care of you, instead you will attract those that have good character, are respectful and desire commitment.

[hopesndreams]

Hey everyone,

 

The evening went ok thank-you.

 

I took bits of advice from everyone. I played it cool and light and remained in control for most of the evening.

 

We met in a pub, then I invited her back to my new place for a drink which after a while she agreed to. Although she had to make a point of saying "just as friends"

 

At my place I remained in control, we had a laugh and a joke and talked about old times and memories. As she was considering to go leave I invited her to stay the night in the spare room. Again she agreed.

 

We drank more and I will admit I was starting to feel quite drunk. I asked her if she missed me however, we were sat on the sofa and I sub-consciously put my arem around her and she responded by snuggling up to me just like we use to. I then asked if she missed me. She said "Why do you keep torturing yourself" I said "I take that as a know then" she replied "of course I miss you"

 

As we were going to bed I stupidly went in for the kiss however, she kissed me back before eventually pulling away.

 

I then even more stupidly suggested she could sleep in with me. She did consider this before deciding it wasn't a good idea. I feel this was my only mistake of the evening.

 

The next morning I went into her room with a coffee. I laid next to her and we cuddled for about half an hour just like we use to.

 

Although we had several close moments, she kept re-iterating that she dosen't want to confuse me or give me the wrong idea etc etc. In my mind tho I can't help but think this is reverse psychology and she is actually scared of her own feelings or something like that?

 

Anyway, I dropped her off at work in the morning. She gave me a big hug and said she had a great time.

 

She is coming around again on Thursday evening for dinner. I know I'm getting my hopes up and I know I'm probably setting myself up for a fall but I did keep in control for the most part and I think I did a good job in showing that I'm quite happy and trying to move on.

 

Any thoughts everyone?

 

You are deluded. See her for what she is. Cancel all plans with her, sit back and wait. She will be banging on your door wondering what's up and why you aren't "needing" her anymore. You are her little puppy, her ego feed, that's it, that's all. Stuff like this will go on indefinitely, if you allow it. While your life is on hold she is laughing it up and lapping it up.

 

When she comes knocking, (and she will) if she doesn't break the door down, beg forgiveness and show true remorse, there is nothing there to work on.

 

Go dark, go silent. Go against everything your mind is telling you to do. Strict NC, there are no kids and that way you will get your answer sooner rather than later.

[philbatch]

You're wife has told you time and time again in words and actions that she wants out,

 

Re-read my post. What she said and how she acted the other night is not what someone does when they completely want out.

 

Yet you still persist in pushing what she doesn't want ie yourself onto her. How is that being loving in any way? How is that going to bring her closer to you? How is that going to do anything but turn her off even more?

 

again re-read my post I DID NOT PUSH MYSELF ONTO HER!!!

 

You think she's going to wake up and think 'Ohh MY G-d what am I doing' and fling herself into your arms just because you invite her to dinner? It will never happen.

 

No I do not think that! months down the line maybe, but not now no!

 

taking the pressure of is way way way more likely to save it than pursuing her all over the place as you are now.

 

I'm not pursuing her all over the place, I hadn't seen her for about 6 weeks for gods sake? Not spoke to her on the phone for 4 weeks before Friday! How the hell is that pursuing?

 

Again re-read the post. We had a fun evening, there was no pressure, I was cool and relaxed and in control.

 

I'm still very interested to hear your story because I'm now really struggling to understand your point of view or if your story's in anyway similar to mine.

[philbatch]

Don't go.

 

But then, reading your posts, I can understand why she didn't tell you. You are incredibly needy, which is so sad and not a desirable trait for anyone, no one wants to be around someone needy long term, short term, yes (it's fun and they feel "needed")...long time, no because they get bored with it all.

 

What you need, at this time, and for the rest of your life, is independence. When she is finally done with you and no longer keeping you on a string, you will find someone else to cling to and suffocate the life out of, and she too will leave you.

 

I'm not blaming you for her cheating and your denial of her cheating just goes to show how incredible weak and needy you are.

 

I find your post disgusting and completely out of order. "needy and weak"? "cling to and suffocate the life out of"? How dare you! You haven't got a clue and you shouldn't be allowed on here.

[KathyM]

PB I discovered this site when things were already getting much better for me, so you won't find any thread.

 

If your wife is cheating, in her mind it won't be, she will just tell you that it doesn't count because you are separated already. Russell1968's wife is still refusing to admit she cheated using this excuse.

 

Heck, Kathy M who's giving you all this advice used that excuse too to justify it to herself.

I make the distinction between married people who are still together, pretending to be faithful and still in the marriage, but are living a double life and seeing someone outside of the marriage. When people are separated and living apart, there are no promises, no pretenses of fidelity, no right to expectations. At the stage that someone is separated, they have left the marriage and are trying to move on with their life. It's a very different scenario. Most people would agree that, when separated, both parties are free to date others, and most people do start to date after separation. They don't wait until the divorce is final in most cases.

[robf1971]

 

again re-read my post I DID NOT PUSH MYSELF ONTO HER!!!

 

.

 

I never suggested that you did, although I think my post was easy to misinterpret. The point I'm making is that inviting her out and around for dinner or whatever is pursuing. If she had picked up the phone and asked you, well that would have been different.

[robf1971]

I make the distinction between married people who are still together, pretending to be faithful and still in the marriage, but are living a double life and seeing someone outside of the marriage. When people are separated and living apart, there are no promises, no pretenses of fidelity, no right to expectations. At the stage that someone is separated, they have left the marriage and are trying to move on with their life. It's a very different scenario. Most people would agree that, when separated, both parties are free to date others, and most people do start to date after separation. They don't wait until the divorce is final in most cases.

 

How to justify cheating, cheaters manual page 101.

[robf1971]

Re-read my post. What she said and how she acted the other night is not what someone does when they completely want out.

 

Phil, think back to your younger days when you went on a date, and a woman told you when you rang her 'lets just be friends'. What did that mean to you? What did it mean to you when your wife said that to you the other night? What did it mean to you when she slept in the spare room, what did it mean to you when she pulled away from the kiss? What does it mean to you that she is registered on a dating site?

 

 

Ask yourself, what do these actions tell you? Ask yourself what would be her actions if she wanted back in?

 

You may not think that you are pressuring your wife, asking her on a few dates etc but I'm willing to bet she feels it. I think you need to leave your wife alone for a while to work on yourself. By that I mean no contact. Eventually she will call you.

[robf1971]

I find your post disgusting and completely out of order. "needy and weak"? "cling to and suffocate the life out of"? How dare you! You haven't got a clue and you shouldn't be allowed on here.

 

Actually I think he is saying you need to work on yourself perhaps start counselling to work on your part as to why the marriage might have broken down? Do you think that is unconstructive bearing in mind that any marriage demise is 50/50?

[LifesontheUp]

Re-read my post. What she said and how she acted the other night is not what someone does when they completely want out.

 

I went back and re-read your post:

 

Although she had to make a point of saying "just as friends"

 

and

 

I then asked if she missed me. She said "Why do you keep torturing yourself"

 

and

 

she kissed me back before eventually pulling away.

 

and

 

She did consider this before deciding it wasn't a good idea.

 

and

 

Although we had several close moments, she kept re-iterating that she dosen't want to confuse me or give me the wrong idea etc etc.

 

Your are husband and wife. Like I said before, IMHO your wife "divorced" herself from your marriage a long time back.

 

So tell me - what contact has your wife made with you since the meeting? When has she made the effort to get in touch with you?

 

Sorry but I have a feeling your wife feels guilty by leaving you. DOES NOT mean she wants to get back with you though.

[hopesndreams]

I find your post disgusting and completely out of order. "needy and weak"? "cling to and suffocate the life out of"? How dare you! You haven't got a clue and you shouldn't be allowed on here.

 

Not going well, is it, Phil?

 

It's really important to listen to the advice you don't want to hear. She has perceived you as being needy and weak. I'm sure you are a lovely guy with lots of love to give and therein lies the problem.

 

Marriage is give and take. Where is your take Phil? You've been so busy giving! You lay your heart on the line, give, give and give some more and there are greedy, selfish people that do take advantage of that. Just recognize that ok?

 

I do have a clue as it happens. My whole story of how I ended up on LS is here, raw, vivid CRAP that I lived through.

 

You want to get back with an ungrateful, untrustworthy, selfish, cheating wife? The best way and the ONLY way is to cut her off at the knees. This will show her what she is missing and it MIGHT give her second thoughts. The reason she isn't getting as close to you as you would like is because she is being LOYAL to who she is now with. That's a kick in the teeth ain't it?

 

It hurts, ALOT! and she doesn't care. Her pangs of guilt is what is giving you false hope. So inconsiderate of her but, hey, there are some people that get off on it, after all...it is just all about them.

 

If you two were to get back together, the trust is broken. She has proven herself unreliable and for as long as your with her, you will have to prove you are worthy to be her husband. What kind of life is that?

 

So, let her have chance to come crawling back to you so she would be the one to make amends and not you. YOU did nothing wrong!

[andyg99]

So, let her have chance to come crawling back to you so she would be the one to make amends and not you. YOU did nothing wrong!

 

I'll add one more thing - there's a better chance that she never comes crawling back... the OP should realize that her not coming back to him may be the best outcome of the whole ordeal...

[pd8mxq]

Hi phil

 

I read the whole 9pages of posts. Its the first time I have read a post from the start. Well I decided to write on here because your post is still fresh and I hope you are ok.

 

I had the same situation happened to me last year before Christmas, its nearly one year now. My ex left the 8 years relationship. Although not as long as yours nor we were married, 8 years is still very long and we both put in effort as if its a marriage. We were going to get a civil partnership but that was not the idea towards November last year. Same to you, I did not see it coming, it has taken me by shock and as of today after nearly a year, I still miss him and I still want to be with him.

 

However he is with someone else not long after the breakup. But what I want to say is that, it does not matter about the CHEATING stuff, it really does not matter. I know a few people here said she cheated (no evidence), why would you still want her? Well my feeling is that, if you r prepared to forgive her this, and that if you still love her by the time she comes back, it doesnt matter what has happened in the separate lives that you two had these time.

 

Now back to what happened these few months, my ex also told me and expressed to me that he still has feelings for me but he is also with another person. he explains that he will always has feelings because we were together for so long. We are human afterall and I believe your wife will always have feelings for you, she will. BUT it might not mean thats enough for you two to get back. She proably thought long and hard before telling you about leaving and she made that decision knowing she will have feelings for you but something inside her tells her that you two are not compatible living together. Unfortunately, human come with emotion and these emotion do change. Her feelings towards you changed and deicded its not best for her to live togetehr anymore as partners.

 

And I will definitely go NC because if you want to know, I have done contacts for the past 12 months and look at where I am today, I am still here crying over him and sometimes my emotion might have pushed him further away. Go NC and dont ask for WHAT IFs because you can also ask WHAT IF YOU WENT NO CONTACT?. NC will heal you and the by-product maybe that she will miss you and realise. but dont cling on this hope.

 

Some people on here says, she should be the one who comes crawling when she realises. IT is really true, I might not use the word CRAWLING but the reality is, she should be the one who chases you if theres that day, not you chasing her. I didnt say it from a dumpee perspective. I say it because it is what every outsiders would tell you and on top of that, what m ex had told me.

 

One thing he said recently was that, if it feels right for him to come back with me, he would make sure he does everything to make it happen. But right now, he does not feel right.

 

We cannot change how one person or another feels. This is what I learnt. Even the greatest love of all is not enough for one person to fall back in love with another. Just switch position with your wife, if she hope she can make you not have feelins for her, can you do it? Thats a NO right because it is how you feel, no matter what she says to you, dont love me, dont live with me etc....you still LOVE her, she cannot change you. And this is exactly what you wont be able to do, change how she feels.

 

What I would do is to heal yourself and one more thing, it might be a bit harsh for you to prepare for this now. But what wll hurt the most is when one day, you found out she is with another man. This will hurt big time. and what makes it hurt is that, even though she is with another man, you still want her and love her but you are not that man....this is why it hurts the most.

 

If by the time she has another man, you already do not have feelings for her, then you will get less hurt.

 

Anyway, for now, try to go NC, it might work really. I will work on your personal level and it MIGHT work on your relationship but pleae treat it as if she never comes back.

[philbatch]

Hello everyone, I haven't been on here for a while so thought I'd give u all an update.

 

The last time I was on here I was due to see my ex again. This did not happen. She cancelled at the last minute. Later in the evening we had a huge row over the phone where I really let rip and said some terrible things to her. However, I felt better for getting things off my chest.

 

After the phone call I immediately took my wedding ring off and decided to take many of yours advice and go NC. I must admit this has slowly helped and over the last few weeks I've been crying less and been more motivated. Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days but I now believe what you guys have been saying about NC.

 

Then, last week I received an email from her. My heart sank, that's how she makes me feel now if she contacts me. My heart beats a hundred times a minute and I feel sick.

 

The email I found to be really patronizing. She was basically asking for money for some outstanding debts we have. I initially wanted to turn round and say " you should have thought about that before you destroyed my life" but I'm yet to reply. My question is, should I reply? I can't think of a way to reply without anger. Or should I just ignore her? I mean I'm doing NC right?

 

I wish she hadnt contacted me cos its now playing on my mind

 

I'm not sure how to play this. Advice appreciated......