My wife has left me. where do i go from here

[KathyM]

and furthermore...

 

no, he should not do anything you suggested to him. he should, in fact, do the opposite. he should document her infidelity to use against her in the divorce. he should point out to the family and friends that she cheated on him. he should tell her she owes him the money spent on the marriage counselor, since she basically wasted his time/money by going to one and then refusing to participate. he should stop treating her like his wife, and start treating her like the spoiled child she is. and in a roundabout way, that's the only thing he can do for her. by treating her like the spoiled child she is, she will get a taste of what she'll find in the dating world, since other people will treat her as she treats them.

 

the above would be doing her a favor.

 

Well, I believe in trying to save a marriage, unless the infidelity happened while they were still together, and from the sound of it, she did not start seeing others until after they separated. If his goal is to reconcile, then he needs to make an effort to do that. NC is not going to result in a reconciliation.

[tangledweb]

Phil - I have no new advice for you at this time. But take some comfort that you are not the first to feel this way, and likely not the last. Everyone here has had the pain you are feeling, and the feelings of anger, denial, betrayal, remorse, guilt, love, hate, and numb.

 

I have been reading LS since about 2 months into my separation of almost a year and finally joined to post. Like yourself, and so many, the sudden turnabout of my marriage was a complete surprise, I was devastated, and searched for anything which would "help". I hung on any posting which hinted at reconciliation, because it is what I wanted. I read with angst Surfer203's saga (118 pages later).

 

It is a rough path ahead of you, no matter which way it turns. You didn't ask for it, you likely don't deserve it. You were following your heart to provide for your marriage, pushing through marginal finances, working hard, & starting your business. You probably did every single thing your family, friends and morals taught you to do.

 

Just lean on your friends, & lean hard. Don't be afraid to contact them. Find one that works the off shift, call him or her at 2am when you can't sleep. If they're not around, read some LS (if you must dwell on it)but force yourself to think about other things. Go back to a time before the marriage, remember who you are, individually. That helped me.

 

Here's a stupid rhyme thing I read once, but it rings true:

The past is history, the future a mystery, today is a gift,

that's why they call it the present.

 

Be your best you today. Blessings!

Edited November 8, 2011 by tangledweb

[philbatch]

Thanks Coopster I agree with you totally but I have to admit I'm a bit unhappy at some of the things that have been said on here. Who has a right to tell me my wife is cheating? She joined a dating website is all I said. I came on hear looking for advice and guidance. Not to cause a slanging match and not for people to tell me what's going on when they don't know me or my wife. Not everything is black and white and every situation is different. I have a lot of respect for the people who have given genuine advice on here especially karenm, 2.50 and you Coopster. But some comments from people have been unnecessary and not helpful at all. I've been in contact with my wife today and feel much better for it. It maybe a mistake in the long run but one thing I've learned from this forum is there's no right or wrong answer.

[Steadfast]

Your wife is cheating. She lied repeatedly, lied some more, and when you called her out she told you to butt out and that she would do what's best for her. She's trying to tell you, you aren't listening. If memory serves, she also told you she 'loves you' but didn't want to 'be' with you. These are classic red-flag cheating signs, the biggest being her denial. They all deny.

 

Everyone is different, yes. But not human nature.

 

I lost my dog (14-1/2 years) in July and my home in September. This didn't drive me away from my loved ones, it drew me closer to them. Your wife joined a dating site because she wants to see other men. She lied about it because she's trying to ease you into the situation. You haven't exactly been the model of stability...she's likely worried about you doing something that'll cause her guilt. She has plenty, and doesn't want more. Besides, stepping out is scary business. She'll feel better keeping you around for the times you're needed. You'll take it as a sign of hope.

 

You came here looking for advice, but now you're giving it. Most who post here understand that most, if not all pick and choose the advice that works for them. You don't like the comments being made because you are in denial. You won't be the first or the last offended. Man up. Admit it later.

 

And what's wrong with having a spirited discussion? As long as it stays respectful, there is much to gain. You don't see it because of your situation, but you have the tools needed to survive. Do what you will with them.

[robf1971]

. Who has a right to tell me my wife is cheating? She joined a dating website is all I said. I came on hear looking for advice and guidance.

 

Phil,

 

Agreed it's up to you to take advice as it comes, we only post because we want to help you. I've personally reconciled my marriage, many of the others on here have been incredibly successful at rebuilding their lives or also reconciled. We've all lived what you are living and understand that you are in your own version of hell right now. This post is a virtual pint of beer for you

[robf1971]

Who has a right to tell me my wife is cheating? She joined a dating website is all I said. .

 

Previous post aside,

 

You are like a person sitting in a burning car, everyone is yelling at you to get out, but despite huge flames coming out of the bonnet you refuse to see them and sit there denying it's happening.

[2.50 a gallon]

pb

 

Dating while you are still married is cheating!

 

If she wants to talk, go ahead and talk, but no I love you's and I want you backs.

[KathyM]

pb

 

Dating while you are still married is cheating!

 

If she wants to talk, go ahead and talk, but no I love you's and I want you backs.

If the goal is to reconcile, those words (I love you, and I want you back) need to be said. Those are powerful words that have a way of breaking down barriers to reconciliation. They should not be overdone, though. Your main focus in trying to reconcile should be to spend time showing her that you are still the wonderful person she fell in love with, and you are a quality person. Somewhere during the marriage, she has lost sight of the good things that once attracted her, and the negatives took over. You need to show her that those positives are still there, and that you are working on/overcoming the negatives.

[2.50 a gallon]

kathym

 

I totally disagree with you. When my marriage was falling apart, the "ILY's" only made matter worse. It made me look weak in her eyes, her words "needy and clingy"

 

In fact it was my bringing her flowers that broke us up.

 

From what I have read most marriage and divorce experts agree on doing the 180

 

Which includes no relationship talk

[carhill]

"We had had a minor row and so she went to stay at her mums.* A week later she said it was over and she wouldn't be coming home"

 

" The reasons she gave was she hadn't been happy for the last 2 years.* That we never did anything together.* That she was happier on her own."

 

"She said she tried telling me but I wouldn't listen.* This came as a complete shock to me because we did talk several times and afterwards she seemed fine. We had financial problems which we were trying to sort out at the time.*"

 

"I asked her to try marriage counselling but she refused saying it was too late.* A few days later she suggested the best option was for us both to leave our rented house as we could no longer afford the rent and once all the outstanding bills and debts were sorted we could look at our relationship."

 

Stopping at this point, we have one marital partner who has shared a number of issues and feelings proactively and suggested splitting up. That it came at one particular moment in time and as a pronouncement is something I imagine is pretty devastating. The OP suggested a potential solution, MC, which was refused proactively.

 

My advice to the OP would be, during this time of separation, to hold a mirror up and work on those aspects of himself, for himself, that he identifies to be healthy suggestions from those interactions. I would further suggest that he himself attend counseling to clarify his emotions and perspectives surrounding this very real wound to his M and psyche.

 

As the prosecutor of the relationship cessation and separation, his W's work is to, consistent with her perspective, either make it permanent as a D or proactively seek to find a middle ground to the very polarized words upon her unilateral departure. One positive step would be to accept MC as a 'bend' in her perspective and seek to open a dialogue. I personally wouldn't settle for anything less than that. Otherwise, I'd continue working on myself and proceed with D. Good luck

[KathyM]

kathym

 

I totally disagree with you. When my marriage was falling apart, the "ILY's" only made matter worse. It made me look weak in her eyes, her words "needy and clingy"

 

In fact it was my bringing her flowers that broke us up.

 

From what I have read most marriage and divorce experts agree on doing the 180

 

Which includes no relationship talk

It's all in the timing, dear boy. The timing and presentation. I would certainly agree with you that coming on too strong, too needy, clingy, buying gifts, begging and pleading, going overboard, will mostly likely have a negative effect when the other person is not feeling the same way. And talking too heavily about the relationship is a no no at this stage of trying to reconcile. My advice was to take it slow, keep your foot in the door, so to speak, and start rebuilding the connection. You do that by making a friendly phone call, maybe once a week. Sending a friendly Email occasionally. And when the time is right, maybe suggesting meeting for coffee or a walk, and spending that time enjoying each other's company--no pressure. But when the time is right, when you feel some emotional connection being rekindled, that you put it out there, by saying something like "You know I love you, and I want you back." I believe in getting things out on the table, just to let the person know where you stand and what your feelings are. But doing it in a way that does not come across as needy, begging, or desperate. Just putting it out there when the time is right. I've seen it work successfully if done at the right time and in the right way. But I would certainly agree with you that being too needy or pressuring is counterproductve, and that is not what I am suggesting. And I would also agree with you that talk about the relationship and the problems that damaged it is counterproductive at this point. The positive feelings need to be rebuilt before the relationship can withstand those kinds of discussions. In fact, from what I have read, the reason why marriage counseling sometimes fails is often because people are forced to talk about their relationship and problems too soon before positive feelings have had a chance to be rebuilt. So I would agree with you, that in order to rebuild, it needs to be taken slowly, no pressure, no agonizing relationship discussions. But when the time is right and you get the feeling of an emotional connection sparking, that is the time to say "I want you to know, I still love you, and I want you back." It has to be said at some point, in order to progress.

[Steadfast]

I would certainly agree...

 

That's some serious back-peddling, but given the overwhelming evidence that kissing a cheating wife's ass is a monumental waste of time...

 

But when the time is right, when you feel some emotional connection being rekindled, that you put it out there, by saying something like "You know I love you, and I want you back."

 

Whoops. That's backwards. Then again, may I seriously ask what part of lying and cheating don't you understand? This goes way past the positive effects of forgiveness and understanding and back into the realm of bad advice. In this case the OP never said he didn't love her. What changed?

 

Look, I sincerely believe you mean well and it's obvious that you take the union of marriage seriously. So do I. I ask that you consider the members of the union take it seriously as well, and not throw a blanket of blind love over the whole thing. Remember the vows; all of them. Not just some.

 

Otherwise, thanks for taking the time to post and help others here.

[i.bellagardner]

It very depressing when someone you love went away and leave nothing to you. It feels like dying and you keep on asking yourself what you did wrong. I understand your situation.

[penshelly]

Your wife left you, then let it be accept the fact or assume that your wife is dead! Don't feel that you lost her, it wasn't it was her, its her lost not yours!

[KathyM]

That's some serious back-peddling, but given the overwhelming evidence that kissing a cheating wife's ass is a monumental waste of time...

 

In what way am I backpeddling? Nothing I've said contradicts any of my comments here. I've encouraged the OP to try to save his marriage. He still loves her. I don't consider dating while separated to be cheating. Cheating is going behind your spouse's back while together to have a romantic relationship with someone else. They are separated. Most people do start dating again when they separate. That's just a fact. And I'm not proposing any groveling, sucking up, or any other desperate move. I'm suggesting keeping the lines of communication open and staying in contact to allow for the possibility that their feelings could be rekindled.

 

 

 

Whoops. That's backwards. Then again, may I seriously ask what part of lying and cheating don't you understand? This goes way past the positive effects of forgiveness and understanding and back into the realm of bad advice. In this case the OP never said he didn't love her. What changed?

 

As I said, I don't consider dating while separated to be cheating. If she had cheated while they were together, I would be totally on the same page as you that the OP should end it. But this is entirely different. They are no longer together.

 

Look, I sincerely believe you mean well and it's obvious that you take the union of marriage seriously. So do I. I ask that you consider the members of the union take it seriously as well, and not throw a blanket of blind love over the whole thing. Remember the vows; all of them. Not just some.

 

I take all marriage vows seriously, but the fact is, oftentimes, marriages go through rough times and people sometimes separate because of it. Sometimes it's possible to put a marriage back together, even when one or both of the parties have dated others while separated. I believe in making it work, keeping your marriage together, and fixing what goes wrong. I believe people can get past just about anything if they want it bad enough. I think marriage is worth fighting for, and people should not throw in the towel without making a good effort to save it.

 

Otherwise, thanks for taking the time to post and help others here.

 

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. You see this as a wife that has cheated. I see this as a marriage that is broken because of all the stress the couple has endured with finances and whatever, but the wife stayed faithful until they were separated. I think there is room for hope and it makes sense to try to save it. Divorce should be a very last resort, when all efforts to save it have failed. The only exception to this being if there was infidelity while they were together, and there was not according to the OP.

[robf1971]

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. You see this as a wife that has cheated. I see this as a marriage that is broken because of all the stress the couple has endured with finances and whatever, but the wife stayed faithful until they were separated.

 

Interesting viewpoint!!

[philbatch]

"Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth."

[Steadfast]

Kathy:

 

Your opinions notwithstanding, I'm having a hard time with your advice to this poster in light of his wife's actions. She lied repeatedly about other men (using a dating site to facilitate meeting them) then told her husband he has no right telling her what to do. So, add rebellion to the lying and whatever else she's doing, because it's a sure bet he doesn't know all of it.

 

Married is married. Separated is married. Divorced is single. Skipping a bunch of reasons why dating too soon after divorce is a bad idea, let me ask you a question Kathy: did you have sex with other men while you were separated? If this is the case, you have an agenda, and that's very bad news for this OP. In his case, I believe he made it very clear his shock and disbelief concerning his wife's behavior and actions. IMO, keeping anything from your spouse is a form of cheating. How is this not?

 

In my experience, people suffering problems and issues tend to be drawn to the people they love and trust; not run away from them. Again, in my opinion, the 'issues' used by this wife were merely excuses to get out of the relationship. Very common. The odds support being right about her motivation, that is, if the hundreds of posts written here (plus my own experiences, and the experiences of those I counsel) are true.

 

Phil:

 

Do with the advice here as you will, but don't assume that you've run into a bunch of bitter divorcees. And while bitterness is part of the healing process, it's something you'll have to work through on your way to being a whole person again. It takes strength and courage to stand up for yourself, and not be dependent on someone else for your self-worth.

 

The magic of love is the freewill of those in it. Show your wife true love by giving her what she's asking for; her freedom. You run NO RISK by doing so. She knows how you feel; no reason to say it again. If she someday (sooner, or later) returns, you'll have some new decisions to make. If she truly loves you, she will come back. If she does not, it won't be because she wonders how you feel. It will be because she doesn't want to.

 

Unlike others, I advise against 'putting on a show' of happiness. If, after a period of no contact your wife asks why you're staying away or quiet (and she will) tell her the truth. Tell her you can't make her love, or wish to be with you or anyone. Her desire for you must come from her; it won't surface by you reminding her how you feel. One can't love enough for two.

 

I only debate KathyM because I strongly disagree with her position. Not because I'm trying to prove myself right. I wish I was wrong, I wish that being nice, staying on touch, telling her that you love her and that you'll be there whatever happens worked. She won't respect you, and respect is the foundation for a loving, lasting relationship. The best you can expect is an uneven marriage and a life of wondering what she's really doing. You didn't have a spat with your wife, these are serious issues if your post is true.

 

Don't trust your loving instincts; they were manifested during your marriage for a beloved wife. Don't reward betrayal with devotion. Reject betrayal and love kindly. Remember: your wife didn't fall in love with her husband, she fell in love with you. Expect the same from anyone. Strong and confident is sexy. Strong is a firm belief and determination for right.

[robf1971]

"Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth."

 

I agree with Steadfast, If 'fixing' a relationship was as easy as a few calls and ' I Love you's' Loveshack wouldn't exist, and the divorce rate would be a heck of a lot ower than it is.

[Dago]

I felt like I was reading my own story while reading yours. I went through the exact same thing only we were married for 16+ years and have 2 kids together. I did all the wrong things and wish I would have listened to others when they told me not to contact her and focuss on myself. I sent her roses, wrote her a long letter, called and texted her begging her to come back home, I went to MC by myself and begged her to come with me. Out of all of that the only thing that I accomplished was pushing her away further and now we are divorced.

 

I know how you feel every bit about the not eating, not sleeping, constant crying, emotional roller coaster your riding. When I found out she was talking to someone else after only 2 months of seperating, I was absolutely devastated. I went into such deep depression that I contemplated suicide many times to just stop the pain and hurt...thank God I didn't! All the while though she had turned into this emotionless, heartless, cold person who acted as though I never mattered in her life and it felt like she could care less if I was dead or not.

 

Like you I was not perfect none of us are, but I was a very good husband to her and father to my kids. I loved her more than I loved myself and would do anything to show her and make her happy. She said she missed out on her twenties and wanted to relive them and try to make it on her own single and dating. Freaking killed me!!

 

Well I am here to tell you that you will make it through eventually and can come out actually better off than before. DO NOT CONTACT HER! Show her that you are happy and excited about the future without her and let her see your life will go on and will be happy whether she is a part of it or not. I know that is easier said than done but I started doing it and it absolutely killed her. I started going to the gym and tanning, I looked great and had women flocking to me and it drove her nuts but she tried not to show it lol. Go to the gym and work out, trust me it made my life so much better. Not for just getting women but it relieved so much stress and helped fight my depression off.

 

I have since found a wonderful woman who I am living with now and have never been happier. It took awhile and a lot of hard work but you will be there too trust me. Just remember to lean on family and freinds, don't show her any emotion other than you could care less, do not contact her what so ever, and time really does heal all wounds. Not much anything else you can do about it because if you try to get her back you only push her away further. Wish I would have listened to my dad advise who's been through it 3 times when he said " son, once a woman has made up her mind there is no changing it. No matter how much you beg, plead, and cry to them it will only make it worse. Best thing you can do is move on without her and focuss on yourself and if she comes back great and if not that's great too. Plus while working on yourself your gonna realize you don't need her back and are actually better off without her?" SO TRUE!!

 

Good luck to you brother your not alone my friend!

[KathyM]

Kathy:

 

Your opinions notwithstanding, I'm having a hard time with your advice to this poster in light of his wife's actions. She lied repeatedly about other men (using a dating site to facilitate meeting them) then told her husband he has no right telling her what to do. So, add rebellion to the lying and whatever else she's doing, because it's a sure bet he doesn't know all of it.

 

She did not lie about other men--she posted a profile on a dating website. That's all. According to the OP, she hasn't even acted on that posting, but that is beside the point. He DOES NOT have the right to be dictating what she can and cannot do at this point. She has left the marriage. He can either choose to let her go, or try to rebuild the connection. He has indicated he would like to try to rebuild. It really doesn't matter at this point who she is dating, or how often, or what that dating involves. She has stated she is done with the marriage. It is a mistake for him to try to control her life at this point, or to expect her to live as if she were still with him. At some point, if the feelings are rekindled and they wish to go to MC and try to work out a reconciliation, then, of course, there needs to be an understanding and agreement that neither will be dating or seeking out others, and will be putting forth their best effort to make it work, but they are not at that stage yet, and he can't dictate at this point that she has to be at that stage. It will only further drive her away. His only hope, if he wants to try to salvage his marriage, is to be patient, and work on slowly rekindling the feelings they had, and it is then possible something more could be worked out eventually. I think it's a mistake to think that, because your spouse has left and is now thinking about or dating others, that all hope is lost. All hope is not lost. I've seen IRL, people put their marriage back together after one or both have dated during separation. It can be done. Whether the OP wants to attempt that is up to him, but I am going to provide an outlook that it is possible.

 

Married is married. Separated is married. Divorced is single. Skipping a bunch of reasons why dating too soon after divorce is a bad idea, let me ask you a question Kathy: did you have sex with other men while you were separated? If this is the case, you have an agenda, and that's very bad news for this OP. In his case, I believe he made it very clear his shock and disbelief concerning his wife's behavior and actions. IMO, keeping anything from your spouse is a form of cheating. How is this not?

 

Separated is not the same as being married. Separated is separated where neither party has a right to dictate, expect or control the estranged spouse, except as to support payments or child visitation that the court would dictate. I don't have an agenda here. I have no stake in this. I am someone that believes in marriage and the ability to reconcile and the importance of staying in contact if they have any wish to reconcile. As someone who is going into the field of marriage and family therapy, and will be doing that as an occupation in about a year and a half, I do want to let this OP know that separation does not necessarily lead to divorce, and that he may have some ability to move towards reconciliation if he doesn't close off communication.

 

In my experience, people suffering problems and issues tend to be drawn to the people they love and trust; not run away from them. Again, in my opinion, the 'issues' used by this wife were merely excuses to get out of the relationship. Very common. The odds support being right about her motivation, that is, if the hundreds of posts written here (plus my own experiences, and the experiences of those I counsel) are true.

 

Problems and issues in a marriage can either act to bring the partners closer together, or they can push them further apart. In many cases, the latter is what occurs. Maybe the wife did use those excuses to get out of a relationship that was struggling, but people do make mistakes. Whether the issues caused the separation or were an excuse to leave a relationship, my point is still the same--that a connection can be rebuilt in some cases; that marriage is worth trying to save; that people make mistakes, sometimes when they experience extreme stressful events in a marriage, their relationship can deteriorate because of it; but that whether the stress caused the separation, or the loss of feelings for the partner, both things can be overcome if communication is kept up. My own experiences from people I know, as well as many testimonies and accounts from marriage therapists that I have read would also support this. You really don't know what her motivation is for leaving, but whether her motivation was to get out of a stressful situation, or because her feelings have faded for her spouse, there is still hope for reconciliation. Both feelings and situations can change. If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't be getting into this field. Hopefully, you are not a marriage counselor, if you have such a pessimistic attitude about the possibility or urge to reconcile a marriage.

 

 

The magic of love is the freewill of those in it. Show your wife true love by giving her what she's asking for; her freedom. You run NO RISK by doing so. She knows how you feel; no reason to say it again. If she someday (sooner, or later) returns, you'll have some new decisions to make. If she truly loves you, she will come back. If she does not, it won't be because she wonders how you feel. It will be because she doesn't want to.

 

You do not show true love for your spouse by giving up on them and the marriage. You show true love by keeping a connection. By giving up and going NC with the spouse, that is not the way to get them back. That is the way to sever a relationship and move on with someone else. Right now, the wife is either not in love with her husband, or is ambivalent and unsure of what she feels. Staying away from her and showing zero interest is not going to rebuild her feelings, it will only cause her to move on with her life without him. Now is a critical time, and if he steps away, he runs the risk that she will develop feelings for someone else, and then it will be too difficult to get back together. I stand by what I said. If he wants to reconcile, he needs to keep in contact. Most people fall in and out of love with their spouse during a marriage. It is at times when they are out of love that are the vulnerable times for a marriage, and when it is most important to rebuild those lost feelings. In the best scenario, people keep their marriage healthy by doing the positive things that build love throughout their marriage, in the good times and the bad, but now this OP finds himself in the down time, and it is up to him to extend that effort to try to rebuild the feelings if he has any desire to save his marriage.

 

 

I only debate KathyM because I strongly disagree with her position. Not because I'm trying to prove myself right. I wish I was wrong, I wish that being nice, staying on touch, telling her that you love her and that you'll be there whatever happens worked. She won't respect you, and respect is the foundation for a loving, lasting relationship. The best you can expect is an uneven marriage and a life of wondering what she's really doing. You didn't have a spat with your wife, these are serious issues if your post is true.

 

Being indifferent, uncommunicative, and unloving is not going to get you respect. It's going to make her realize that she was right to leave you. That you really don't care enough for her to try to make it work. She will take this uncaring attitude as a sign that she should move on with her life without you.

 

Remember: your wife didn't fall in love with her husband, she fell in love with you. Strong and confident is sexy.

 

The above two sentences I would agree with, and that is precisely why you need to stay in contact--so she can see for herself the person who still has the wonderful attributes that she fell in love with, and that you are still that person. The stress you've experienced has clouded that concept she had of you. It's time to show her that positive concept is still accurate.

 

Strong is a firm belief and determination for right.

You can't force your wife to have a married mindset when you are separated. She has to come to the realization herself that you are the one she wants, you have the attributes she loves, you are worth trying to make it work, and that the obstacles you have gone through can be overcome. She's not going to suddenly come to this realization and this stage without any contact from you. Keep your foot in the door, because if you don't, your wife will move on with her life, and then it will be too late. Read the Marriage Fitness course by Mort Fertel. It has much good advice on how to work towards reconciliation both in the situations that both spouses want to reconcile, and the situation where only one is making the attempt. It's well worth the price, and has saved a lot of marriages. (And no, I don't work for that organization. )

[Steadfast]

Typing your entire response in bold text does not make it more profound. More annoying would be...more accurate.

 

You can't force your wife to have a married mindset when you are separated.

 

You can't force anyone to do anything, married or not. One's word is either good, or it isn't. If a spouse wants to sleep around they should divorce, not sneak off under the premise of 'working on their problems' or 'needing to be alone'.

 

This wife (and so many others...) clearly hid her intentions, otherwise, why would her husband be shocked when he learned of it? The truth of this dynamic is repeated over and over; the selfishness of the betrayer demands the spouse stay in place for support (in case things don't work out, or they simply change their mind) until he/she makes a final decision.

 

Kathy, what you see as a 'mistake' I see as a decision. If you noticed, I never once mentioned NC in any of my posts. On the whole, I don't believe it's realistic, and nearly impossible when children are involved. There are times when totally shutting someone out is advisable, especially those whose selfishness places too many demands on the betrayed.

 

As I've already stated, I flatly disagree with your views on separation. IMO, your stand diminishes the very real effects of deception and infidelity. And while these things can be overcome by two loving, recommitted people, the motivation and resulting loss of trust behind the action is almost always more damaging that the action itself. Then again, if problems persist, one can always take it back to therapy, right? Better still would to embrace honestly on a personal level and align one's self with the same.

 

You see my attitude regarding the situation as pessimistic, I see it as realistic. Still, considering the main motivation behind the professional therapy biz is to keep 'em coming back (or better yet that elusive, but highly prized state-funded contract) the ideal of subjective right/wrong is written in stone. IMO, the basis of a good life is honesty and humility.

 

I am against rewarding betrayal and dishonesty. The real numbers indicate a very low success rate for a true, happy and honest reconciliation. I will stop just short of saying you place training and methodology over the cause and effect of broken marriages, but that certainly seems to be the case at times. I see your advice on this topic helpful for people who are having problems communicating, but not for those who betray, break promises, change their minds or subject their spouse to history revision.

 

As for your comment on my counseling abilities and/or status, you need not worry. The real threat of the professional therapist is the growing understanding that the overwhelming majority of people have within themselves the ability to pinpoint, analyze and solve their own problems. The sheer amount and quality of advice on this forum alone should (and often does) leave the working analyst red faced with embarrassment.

 

Let's encourage people to get on their feet in strength and determination. Demand honesty and integrity for yourself first, then others.

Edited November 12, 2011 by Steadfast

[seibert253]

Read all of Kathy's and Steadfast's replies and back and forth banter.

 

I have to side with Steadfast, not only with their respective back and forth replies and advice, but with my own experience, as well as the experience of MANY on here.

 

When I tried to "love" my FWW back into the M, it only pushed her away farther. When I went hardcore 180, not giving a sh#t about her, she came running back.

[RJ1971]

Got to agree with seibert here. My wife wanted out and it was only when I moved on, started dating again and was genuinely happy did she come back saying it was the biggest mistake of her life. And I felt like you - crying daily. Soon you'll enjoy having some space and your own company.

 

Phil, I know it's easier to say than do but you have got to see this as a test and be strong. Start by meeting up with mates. Definitely do exercise - it will help with sleep if nothing else. You get a decent sleep you will think clearer. Take up a new hobby, buy some new clothes, new haircut etc.

 

You want her back? Then you've got to move on otherwise she will only pity you and not love you. She may never want you back but at least you will have moved on and put yourself in a good position to meet someone new

[2.50 a gallon]

bp

 

All of the male voices on this thread say to go no contact, that loving the ww back does not work. I suggest you randomly read other threads started by men and can quarantee you that loving them back does not work and in fact makes matters worse.